breakup advice (part 1: feel the pain)

will at some point in the future experience a breakup.

Breakups are almost an inevitable part of life, but I can't say that because there

are a few people out there who never have to go through a breakup.

They meet their first love, and then they marry their first love, and then they die

with their first love.

And it's just beautiful, and everyone lives happily ever after, except, you know, inevitably,

there is death.

Even with some, I bet they've died at the same time.

Some people are just lucky, okay?

They get to go through their life without romantic heartbreak.

I don't know if I envy those people, though, because I do think that breakups, despite

how fucking awful they are, they can be really transformative, often in a positive way, long-term.

They really teach you shit about yourself, and they are incredible opportunities for

growth.

So today we're talking about breakups.

Specifically, I'm going to be giving breakup advice.

And as always, I'm not particularly qualified, okay?

I'm 22 years old.

I've gone through a handful of breakups throughout my life.

Not a lot, okay?

And actually, one of them was weird, because neither of us really liked each other, so

neither of us were sad, and it didn't really feel like a breakup.

It was like, oh, okay, thank God.

This is over.

Okay, wait, thank God.

Okay, bye, and like never shed a tear about it.

That was bizarre and unusual.

But I've gone through a handful of real ones as well, and let me tell you, I've learned

a lot.

And what I will say is, it does get easier.

I remember when I was going through my first breakup, everybody was telling me, Emma, this

is the worst one.

And I think it's true.

My first breakup was literally a catastrophe.

It was a catastrophe.

I've never felt pain like that.

Now, I'm fortunate that I had never felt pain like that.

That's actually a blessing, because there are things that rival the pain of a breakup,

many things.

I was just fortunate to have never experienced something as painful as that.

I am not kidding.

It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

That's not true.

But like, that's not true now.

But at the time, it was true.

It was one of the most catastrophic experiences in my life thus far.

And that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

Since then, I think it's gotten easier.

And I think the reason why is because now I know that I can feel the same feeling twice.

When you fall in love for the first time, you're like, okay, this is never going to

happen again.

I'm never going to feel this way towards someone again.

And then when you're able to prove that wrong, and you find somebody else, and you find out,

wait a minute, I can feel this again, then it hurts less.

But don't be mistaken.

No breakups are fun.

Okay?

None of them are fun.

I just think that the first one is the worst.

Okay?

That's all I'm saying here.

I'm going to be doing multiple episodes of breakup advice.

This is episode one, where I'm going to be talking about the period before the breakup,

the breakup itself, and then the week or two following the breakup.

I'm going to be giving advice for that chunk of the timeline.

So stay tuned for more breakup advice, because it's coming.

And before I get started into the advice, I have to say, this advice is for safe, harmless

romantic relationships.

For advice on toxic and dangerous relationships, contact professionals.

Stop listening to this right now and contact a professional.

All right.

Let's talk about before the breakup happens, because this is a crucial, tense, weird period

of time that is often overlooked when discussing breakup advice.

There is a lot of misery that comes with this time.

So much ruminating, so much overthinking.

I'd argue this is sort of when the breakup begins.

I think a lot of us start processing a breakup before it even happens.

We feel that something's off.

Maybe it's in ourselves.

Maybe it's in our partner.

And we start to feel pain already, because we're like, this is disappearing.

You start to feel it slipping between your fingers.

You're like, this relationship is dying.

And it's not fully dead yet, but it's dying.

And I can see it dying.

And there's something brutal about that.

When you're the person in the relationship who can tell that your partner wants to break

up with you, it can be so easy to just keep the conversation within your own mind.

Ask yourself, did I do something?

Am I overreacting?

Do they just not think I'm pretty anymore?

Should I change something about myself?

Is there something I can do to revive this relationship?

And you might start changing your behavior.

You might even start changing what you look like, obsessing over how you can be perfect

to try to get this person back into it.

You might stay up all night trying to figure it out.

But the only way to know for sure is to bring it up.

And I know it's scary.

When you're the person who still wants to be in the relationship, and you can feel the

other person slipping away, it can be so scary to bring it up.

Because you're like, fuck, if I bring it up, if I initiate the conversation, then they

probably will break up with me.

And I don't want them to break up with me.

So I'm just going to try to fix it without bringing it up.

I'll tell you what, that's not going to work.

Stop speculating.

Stop torturing yourself.

Oh my God, I can't tell you how much I've tortured myself in this way.

I've spent months of my life miserable, fucking miserable, just trying to figure out what

was wrong.

But being too afraid to just ask, because I was like, this will be the end of the relationship

if I ask.

I'll bring it to the forefront of their mind.

And then they'll be like, oh, wait a minute, yeah, I do want to break up with them.

And then the breakup will happen.

Which is what ultimately you're trying to avoid if you're the one who wants to stay

in it.

I'll tell you this right now, you are harming yourself more by not bringing it up.

You are better off breaking up and beginning your healing journey sooner than you are prolonging

the situation by not asking what the fuck is up.

So bring it up.

Say, hey, something's off with you.

I can't put a finger on it.

I don't know what's going on.

Did I do something wrong?

Are you unhappy?

See what's happening.

Bring it up.

And I recommend, honestly, writing it down beforehand.

Take notes on what you've been picking up on.

Be very clear with them about what you've been experiencing.

And at times, you might bring it up and they'll say, nothing's wrong, I just am going through

something else.

And it'll open up a phenomenal conversation about what your partner is going through in

their life that they haven't yet told you.

But I don't know, I think a lot of times we underestimate our instincts.

We can feel when shit's off.

And so if your partner comes back at you and says, no, nothing's wrong with the relationship.

It's all, it's like, it's me.

It's just me.

It's just me.

Challenge that a little bit.

Be like, are you sure though?

Because this does feel personal.

If they're like, no, it's not personal at all, then say, can you be a good partner to

me while going through what you're going through?

You know, is there a way that we can meet in the middle?

Don't take their answer at face value.

If they're like, no, it's not you.

It's me.

Be like, okay, yeah, but I'm unhappy in this relationship and I don't feel loved by you.

So we need to figure some shit out.

You're not treating me right.

And you're going to either need to figure it out through working together with me or

we need to end this.

Sometimes the person who doesn't want to do the breaking up, in fact, wants to be in the

relationship, ends up having to do the breaking up because they feel so strongly that the

other person isn't into it anymore.

It ends up flipping on its head.

Now let's say you are the one who wants to break up with your partner.

Okay, let's flip the script here now.

Depending on the situation, I think the first step is to try to pinpoint the issues that

you're experiencing in the relationship and try to figure out if they're fixable.

Because a lot of times things can be worked through.

And I think a lot of us, especially young people, expect relationships to be perfect.

Like the second the honeymoon phase is over, everyone's freaking out.

They're like, wait a minute.

The spark is gone.

We don't love each other anymore.

There's no more excitement.

Sometimes we have bad days.

This is not the romantic story that I've always dreamt of.

That's just kind of how relationships go.

So it's important to ask yourself, why do you want to break up with them?

Do you want to break up with them for some serious, serious reasons that are going to

be really challenging to fix?

Or is this just a normal part of being in a relationship and maybe it's worth working

through?

Or are you just not in a place to be in a relationship, period?

That's also an example of an unfixable sort of scenario.

I think it's important to figure out why you want to break up with them.

Really, really, really figure that out.

Next, I think it's important to heavily consider what you're losing.

When you're in a relationship, it can be so easy to take the thing that you've built for

granted.

You have to ask yourself, would you rather make it work with them or possibly lose them

forever?

Because a misconception that people have is that, oh, I could just get them back.

You can never rely on that.

You don't know.

It takes two to tango.

When you break up with somebody, you're setting them free.

And if you break up with somebody with the expectation that you could go back to them

whenever you want, you're kind of lying to yourself.

And on top of that, that's being insensitive with the other person's emotions.

If you ultimately want to get back together with them at some point, and that's sort of

in the back of your head, like, oh, I could always fall back on this person.

That's just unfair to them.

You have to really, really, really put yourself in your own shoes if you were to lose them

forever.

Like, close your eyes and think about what it would feel like to never speak to them

again.

Is that something that you can handle?

If it's not, then maybe you should work harder to fix what you have.

Because you don't get to have your cake and eat it too in this life, okay?

I've learned this the hard way.

Any time in life I've tried to have my cake and eat it too, I have been rudely reminded

that it just doesn't work that way.

It will always bite you in the ass.

If you start to treat your partner badly as a result of pondering a breakup with them,

and it's just ruining your life to a point where you start to build resentment, you have

lost your privileges to ponder any longer, and now you have to communicate.

If you start treating them like shit, nope, now you have to put it all out on the table

because it's selfish otherwise.

To be honest, they already probably feel it coming.

When it comes to planning the breakup, I know it might sound ridiculous because it's like

planning a fucking meeting or something, or like scheduling when you're going to do your

homework.

Like, it sounds insane to say, okay, now it's time to schedule the breakup, but no, I actually

do think that this is crucial.

We all have busy lives.

We have work.

We have school.

We have commitments.

And I truly recommend finding the right time to do it.

You don't want to do it on a random Monday night when you have the whole work week ahead

of you.

Terrible idea.

Because, spoiler alert, you're going to be going through it, and you want to have some

space to go through it.

So I recommend a Thursday, a Friday, a Saturday.

I think those are the best days to do it.

Now, sometimes a breakup happens, and it comes out of nowhere.

You know, it explodes out of a conversation on accident.

You can't always control when you do your breakup.

But if you're the person doing the breaking up, and you have some control over when the

conversation is going to happen, save it for a Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

You know?

Well, that's, I guess, if you have a traditional work week.

All right.

Now, let's talk about the breakup conversation.

The conversation itself is one of the worst conversations.

No, I guess it's not one of the worst.

There are worse conversations, far worse conversations that you can have in life.

But wow, breakup conversations can be fucking brutal.

And sometimes there are more than one of them, okay?

There aren't always going to be just one singular breakup conversation.

Sometimes you'll have two.

Sometimes you'll have five.

Sometimes that's what it takes in order to agree upon a decision.

But whether you have one breakup conversation or you have six, this advice applies to all

types of breakup conversations.

Okay.

Advice for both partners, okay?

Because this hurts for both people.

And I know this because I've been on both sides of it.

I've broken up with somebody and I've been broken up with.

And I will tell you, it's easy to assume that being the person being broken up with hurts

worse, but in a weird way, they can both hurt equally.

And I was shocked by that.

I don't know.

My first breakup, I was broken up with.

So that's sort of how I started it out.

And I was like, oh my God, you know, I wish I was the one doing the breaking up.

It just seems so much easier.

But I have now had experiences that have changed my perspective.

Okay.

It hurts for both people.

I do think that it usually hurts worse to be broken up with because you feel so out

of control.

But I think that there are a lot of times when both parties are almost hurting equally.

You should never assume that the person doing the breaking up is hurting less.

It's not necessarily true.

So during the breakup conversation, both partners should allow themselves to be emotional.

Let the sadness come out.

Let the heartbreak come out.

The worst thing you can do is swallow everything.

And I think it's bad for two reasons.

Number one, because that's uncomfortable for you.

Like if your body wants to cry, it feels better to actually let yourself cry.

At first you might be embarrassed, but I'll tell you why you shouldn't be embarrassed.

Showing emotion to your partner during a really heartbreaking moment shows them that this

means something to you.

And breakups are not fun for either party.

So it's really important to show each other that you're sad about this.

This is fucking sad.

You know, even if you screwed each other over, even if you weren't great to each other all

the time, you still loved each other.

And I think it's important for both parties to show their true emotions.

It does signal to the other person how much the relationship meant.

I don't know.

That makes things feel better, weirdly.

Let's say you're the one being broken up with.

My first piece of advice is to try to tame your ego, okay?

It can be so easy to react to the rejection that you're feeling.

Like, I don't know, you can get angry, right?

Because your ego is being challenged.

You're being rejected.

It feels terrible.

You know, your self-esteem is being shot.

Some of us react to that by getting angry.

And I think the reason why it's good to avoid getting angry, number one, that doesn't foster

a positive conversation in any way, shape, or form.

Number two, it's not the mature, higher road to take.

You know, raising your voice and getting angry can cause the other person to lose respect

for you.

You're allowed to be upset.

You're allowed to be confused.

You're allowed to be frustrated.

But try to keep your tone as mature as possible.

It's hard when you're being broken up with.

You go into defense mode.

You're like, well, what's wrong with me?

Everything's fucking wrong with you.

Fuck you, you know?

It's so easy to want to go there.

But I think it's so much better not to.

You don't want to look back and regret the way that you handled the situation and say,

oh, I could have been a little bit more level-headed.

I could have handled that in a more mature way.

It takes a lot of self-control and a lot of restraint not to let your ego talk.

But it's worth the effort.

Next, I think it's important to really try to understand where they're coming from.

You know, sometimes people who aren't super keen on communicating will just say that they

want to break up and not explain why.

I'll tell you, that will torture you later.

Try to get to the bottom of it.

Figure out what went wrong.

Ask them questions.

Interrogate them.

And you have the right to do so because you just spent an extended amount of time with

them and they're now walking away from you.

You do deserve to know why.

Hopefully, they've figured out why and they can tell you.

Sometimes they're not going to know why and that's the fucking worst.

Or they're lying.

They do know why, but they're pretending like they don't know why.

They're playing dumb.

That is the worst.

But I'd say to the best of your ability, get it out of them.

This is important because it prevents reaching out down the line for answers.

You want to feel as resolved by the end of the conversation as possible.

You want to feel like you understand why this happened.

You want to be able to take away things that you can work on in your own life to prevent

that from happening again down the line, hopefully, unless it had nothing to do with you.

But even then, there's probably something you can work on.

It gives you closure to an extent.

To an extent.

Okay?

To an extent.

Next, if you still want to be with them, gently propose ideas to solve the issues that you're

experiencing in the relationship.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sort of fighting back a little bit.

Now, key word, gently fighting back.

Ultimately, you have to respect your partner's decision.

Okay?

If they're not interested in fixing things, don't push it too far.

But I do think that there's value in proposing some ideas.

This is how we could fix this.

If I would have known that you felt this way sooner, I would have done this, this, and

that.

It's totally healthy and good to try to provide solutions.

And sometimes, providing solutions might open up your partner's mind to continuing to try.

But that will not always be the case.

And when it's not the case, you have to accept it.

Now, if you're breaking up with your partner, my first piece of advice is to be gentle with

your delivery.

Okay?

You're in the power position.

You have to be thoughtful of that.

You're about to destroy somebody's self-esteem temporarily.

You know what I mean?

You're rejecting them.

It's a blow to the ego.

It's a blow to the self-esteem.

Majority of people get rejected in some way and take it personal.

And sometimes it is a little bit personal.

That's just life.

That's how life works.

Right?

But when you're the one doing the breaking up, I think it's best to be gentle and as

thoughtful of the other person as possible.

Put yourself in their shoes.

You also have to try your best to explain thoroughly why you want to break up.

Because in my opinion, that's the right thing to do.

And be honest.

Don't sugarcoat it.

Unless it's something really mean, I think it's important to be as honest as possible.

I even think you should be honest if you have feelings for somebody else.

Be gentle.

Be kind.

Be loving about it.

But I think you have to be honest.

If you're not honest, then you can mislead the other person.

Let's say you have feelings for somebody else and you say, I don't know.

I don't think I can be in a relationship right now.

And then they're like, okay, but why?

And you're like, well, I don't really know.

That person is going to leave that conversation feeling like, oh, well, they'll probably be

ready to be in a relationship again at some point.

And I'll be here waiting for when they're ready.

You have to be clear about why you're leaving the relationship so that you can manage the

expectations of the other person.

Now, obviously, in an ideal world, the other person doesn't have any expectations and they

just set you free.

But I think it's the most fair thing to do to be brutally honest.

But kind and gentle, keeping in mind that they're in a vulnerable position and you're

sort of in this power position.

I also think it's important to be open minded.

You know, you should consider your partner's reason for wanting to stay together if that's

something that they propose.

Even if you think that you've made up your mind fully, you should still hear them out

because they might be on to something.

If you failed to communicate your challenges in the relationship prior to going into the

breakup conversation, there's a chance that things could actually be resolved and go back

to being great again at some point.

If your partner has a plan on how that could work out, you should really consider it.

But you should also be honest with yourself.

Realistically, is there a solution?

If the answer is no, stand firm in your position.

Your partner might be convincing in their way of saying, well, we could fix it if we

do this and we do that and we do this.

But if you know in your gut that it's over and you heard them out and you pondered it

and you still think it's over, stand firm in that.

You will only prolong the pain for the both of you if you don't stand firm in your position.

Because guess what?

If you know in your gut that it's over, but you're like, ah, my partner was so convincing.

I guess I'll try again.

You're going to try again.

It's not going to work.

And then you're going to end up in another five hour conversation where you're like,

are we breaking up or no?

You know, you're just, you're going to end up there again.

It's so important to stand firm and it's so fucking hard, but you have to.

I'm like reliving every breakup conversation I've ever had simultaneously in my head right

now.

It's not fucking fun.

It is not fun.

It is a catastrophe.

It's a catastrophe.

And it's so sad.

Like even if your partner sucked ass, it still is sad.

I'm not kidding.

It's still fucking sad.

Let's talk about the day of the breakup.

You go your separate ways.

This is assuming you don't live together.

If you live together, that's tough.

That adds a whole other layer of complications.

I have not ever lived with a partner, so I can't really speak to that.

But let's talk about what you do on the day of the breakup.

I think the same advice applies to both partners, because again, I've been on both sides of

it and I'll tell you, I needed the same things during both types of breakups.

Number one, let the emotion out.

Let it all out.

Most of us will cry and just feel the knife in our heart.

My advice is to just sit with that.

It can be tempting to run away from that feeling.

Immediately distract ourselves.

Immediately shove it down, down, down, down deep.

Bottle it up, bottle it up.

Uh-uh, I'm sorry, no.

I don't think that that works.

I think you need to lay in your bed and you need to fucking cry and think about every

good memory you had together and remember the last hug that you gave each other.

Remember everything, feel everything, sit in everything, marinate in everything.

Just let yourself do that.

Don't run away from it.

I swear to God, I've taught myself how to do this now with breakups.

I used to fight the sadness.

I used to try to stop thinking about the person.

That only prolongs it, okay?

It's so interesting.

My last breakup experience, I really just let myself feel everything.

I laid in my bed for probably six hours and thought about every beautiful memory and I

just cried and cried and cried six hours of crying.

I really thought I was never going to feel better and it lasted for so long, six hours.

That's a long time.

I was like, it's never going to go away.

Guess what?

It did.

I let it all out and then all of a sudden, I was like, you know what?

I feel better and I don't know why.

All of a sudden, I just felt better.

That really helped in the following days.

I also think it's important to find somebody to talk to.

I've never gone through a breakup alone.

I remember my very first breakup, oh my God, this was so sweet.

My friends took me to a hotel because my first boyfriend broke up with me in my apartment

and I could not be there.

I was so devastated that my friends found this random corporate hotel.

It was this sort of hotel that businessmen go to.

It's so sterile.

It's not a fun hotel, but it was exactly what I needed, just a new setting for myself.

My friends and I just had a little sleep over there and I was bawling the whole night.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I was bawling the whole night, but I was with my friends and they made me feel so much better.