hookup culture [video]

I would occasionally think about hookup culture because, you know, I live in a culture that enjoys a hookup. But for the most part, it was out of my mind. And it was kind of incredible, to be honest, because I've never been somebody who thrives in a casual hookup scenario. It's just not for me. And some of you might be thinking, Emma, you're trying to say you're not like other girls.

You're different, you're more emotional, That's why you don't like hookups. No, it's not that. It's because I tend to be nervous and uncomfortable during it.

And afterwards, I tend to feel some sort of pain, and the pain varies, you know, the source of the pain varies, but every time there's been some sort of pain. So that's why I don't thrive in that scenario on the surface level.

But it's back on my mind, okay, because these days I'm back to being a lone wolf. okay, I'm back to being a free agent.

And with that comes hookup culture being relevant in my life. You probably know what hookup culture is, but just in case you don't, let me throw a definition at you. Hookup culture is one that accepts and encourages casual sex encounters, including one night stands and other related activity, without necessarily including emotional intimacy, bonding or a committed relationship. Now, listen, I'm 22 right now.

I'm pretty young, I grew up in hookup culture, in high school and even middle school, it was all about the hookups. You know, anytime there was an event where no parents were going to be there, it was like, who's hooking up with who?

It was how you showed that you were cool, it was how you found a little boost of confidence. Hooking up was all the rage. Unfortunately for me, my exposure to casual hookups was genuinely traumatic. Okay?

It started with my first kiss. My first kiss was terrible for me. I was not ready emotionally to be kissing boys. I was not confident in myself, I was really, really frightened of any type of romance, and I weirdly felt like I was too young.

But everybody around me was doing it, and so I set myself up to have my first kiss and I did it. And in the moment, I felt very detached, very scared, very uncomfortable. This was a kid that I met that night, okay, and the entire time I felt very emotionally removed from it.

And I remember the next day I cried, I cried because it just felt so wrong to me. It felt so icky to me. And for the rest of high school, I continued to have casual hookups. All of them were very innocent.

Just a little makeout. Okay, no sex yet, but at the time, you know, a little makeout carried a lot of emotional weight. For me now, not as much back then. It was almost like having sex for me. Mentally. It was so significant, you know, almost every experience was terrible, okay?

I remember I made out with one guy at a concert and later I found out he didn't even really want to. His friends were just like, Dude, go make out with her, dude go make out with her. And I found out he just didn't even like me at all. Meanwhile, I really liked him, so that fucking sucked.

Another time, I had a huge crush on this guy and we're at a beach bonfire and we make out. And I was really awkward for some reason. I was too nervous. I was too nervous because I had such a big crush on him and I was just being weird, like I was tense, I remember.

And he just got weirded out by me because he was like, this hot, cool guy. And he was like, Why is she stiff as a board? What's she so nervous about? Fuck this girl, I'm going to go make out with someone else.

And he just looked at me weird in the middle of it and then walked away and then told everybody that I was the worst kisser. And it was terrible. Oh, that was terrible, it was terrible, it was terrible. So it's safe to say that my experience has been rocky from the start.

When I left high school and I moved to L.

A.

I then started dating, okay, and I started dating pretty much immediately, and I've sort of been a serial dater ever since I moved here. When I look back at the past four or five years, I've kind of just been in relationships. It's like, I'm in a relationship. It ends, I heal, I find another one, It ends, I heal, I find another one, It ends, I heal, I find another one. There's been very short chunks of time in between each, and so I haven't really had a lot of time to participate in hookup culture.

And I think that that was sort of intentional because my experience in high school was so bad that I was like, Okay, I'm not into this. This doesn't work for me, I don't like this. So instead of using my single time to hook up with random people, I'm going to use my single time to find my next boyfriend. In retrospect, I think I had it all wrong, right?

I think I should have been using my single time to focus on myself a little bit more, but no regrets. Okay, so, in between the boyfriends I've had, I've had such a short amount of time that. I've only had time for one and a half. Okay, one and a half casual hookup experiences, I've only had time for one and a half, not even two, one and a half. And those happened approximately four years ago. Okay, I remember.

At the time, I just wanted to see what it would be like. Because my entire life, I had heard all of these positive reviews about casual hookups. Oh, it's so fun, oh it's so exciting, this, this and that, and I felt sort of left out. On top of that, though, I think I was still recovering from being sort of rejected by a few guys that I had dated.

And that was weighing heavily on my confidence. And I was like, you know, maybe hooking up with guys casually could give me a little confidence boost without actually having to commit to them. You know, it's like, I can get this little confidence boost while I wait for somebody that I can actually date long term. And so, you know, I gave it a try one and a half times and the experience was okay, you know, it was fun, it wasn't bad.

Like, it wasn't bad, but I remember in the moment feeling like it was definitely weird, like it felt so empty and that was sort of unsettling to me. Like, I would have sex casually and then I'd be like, Okay, I need to leave, you know, like, Okay, now I can't be around this person anymore. And that felt so wrong to me because sex is such an intimate thing. And I felt sort of guilty about wanting to get as far away from the person afterwards as I possibly could. I also felt really uneasy about how weird it is to be strangers with somebody. And then to all of a sudden be almost playing. Pretend like we're dating for like an hour, and then to just go back to be strangers again, like, that was so weird.

It almost felt like playing a game, you know, in the moment, it can be sort of enjoyable, but I always had it in the back of my head that it felt off, you know, it felt really off to me. And, you know, I ended up regretting my very short list of casual hookups after the fact, because I wasn't proud of the fact that I went into it looking to find confidence? I didn't feel good about the fact that I didn't really like the person I had sex with and they didn't really like me. And the whole thing just sort of felt icky to me.

And I had this weird feeling of regret where I was. Like, now in their mind, they've seen a side of me that very few people have seen. And I don't know if they deserve that and that has nothing to do with them as a person. But I went through this phase where I really wanted to get that back from them. Like, I almost feel like I gave them something, which I don't think is necessarily true. But it was really bothering me that they got to see a side of me that is really sacred, and it just bothered me.

I went through years of regret. And a lot of you might be like, Emma, what is wrong with you, you grandma? Like, literally, people have sex with like 50 people a year and don't blink an eye, like, What's wrong with you? I don't know.

This is just me, this is just how I psychologically react to casual hookups. Okay, so now let's fast forward to now. Okay, I'm back to being a lone wolf. The concept of hookup culture is back on my mind.

And, shockingly, I went into it with an open mind, you know, I wanted to re-examine the concept. Yes, my past experiences have been terrible, as I just displayed for you, but I'm a very different person now. Okay, I'm much more confident.

I'm also not desperate for validation from sexual partners as much as I used to. I really had an issue with that when I was younger, and I just have so much more life experience. So I was like, Okay, let's re-examine this with a brand new lens. Let's try this again with an open mind and see if it's something that can work when you're a little bit older, you know?

And so, you know what? I dabbled? okay, I dabbled a little bit. And I want to share what I found. Because I feel like I went into it with a really fresh lens. And I came out of it with some solid conclusions. Now I want to say these are conclusions for me, okay?

These are not conclusions for you. Everybody is so different. Okay, what works for you might not work for me, what works for me might not work for you. So, let's discuss the pros and cons of casual hookups.

Let's start with the pros. Okay, we're starting out positive. Okay, there's only one pro, there's not a lot. It is pretty incredible to be able to develop your independence and enjoy singlehood while still getting to enjoy sex.

Being single can be so magical, you can put all of your effort into developing yourself, building a life that you love, making friends that are magical. You're not blinded by being in love, you're not blinded by an illusion of love, you're not blinded by anything.

You're in this shit for you. But of course, we love intimacy and I think the idea that we can have both is gorgeous. And I think there are maybe times when it works. Personally, I've yet to find a way to make it net positive, but I can imagine that there are some people out there who have found a way.

And that leads me to the cons of the casual hookup. Okay, I already know I'm going to sound like a grandma, so just listen, I'm down to be random, fuck whoever don't care, I'm down to do that. That sounds so fun, but I've yet to find a way to do it where it doesn't come at a cost.

I don't want to be a grandma, I want to come on here and be like, Listen, you guys, I can't stop hooking up with everyone. I can't stop. I'm obsessed. I've never been....

I can't stop, I'm having so much sex. I can't stop you guys, I'm having sex with everybody I meet. It is so fun.

Wow, like, no one has as much game as me. Nope, no, no, no, because I win. I'd love to come on here and say that.

I would love to, but unfortunately I'm coming on here like a grandma, talking about why I've found casual hookups aren't the best. I'm on grandma mode today. Sorry, okay. So let's discuss the cons.

I already sort of touched on this, but it's just weird, it's just weird.

Inevitably, when you're casually hooking up with somebody, you're not that close. okay, you're not that close. There are times when you know you maybe have, like, a fuck buddy or something, and you kind of become close. But I'd argue, in a lot of ways, that sort of becomes a romantic relationship, you know what I mean?

Yeah, nobody wants to put a label on it, but I don't know. I consider that more of a relationship when it's continuous. I'm talking about a casual, random hookup, I'm talking about like a one night stand vibe, or maybe a three night stand vibe, you know what I mean?

A lot of times, you really don't know each other, you don't have a foundation of friendship, you don't know each other, and you're literally having sex. And you're pretending like, you're for a brief period of time and then you're back to strangers again. And for that brief period of time. When you are sort of pretending like, you're in a relationship in a weird way, you can feel detached, like emotionally detached, that's my experience anyway.

And I think the reason why I subconsciously detach is because I'm uncomfortable, I'm nervous, I'm a little weirded out. I'm like, Yeah, I want to be here, I'm doing this because I want to do it, but I don't know you like that.

I don't know you like that, who are you? You're touching me like, we've been dating for like, six years and I don't know you. That's a crazy concept to me. When I'm in that moment, I'm like, Ah, I don't like, who are you?

Who am I to you? You don't know me? I'm also like, reciprocating this action, like, I've known you for six years and I don't know you. It's like, so bizarre, it's so bizarre to me.

And it sort of gives me an existential crisis the next day because I'm like, Wow. Intimacy doesn't have to be built up over time. It can be fabricated in an instant, but it doesn't feel real. And maybe to some people, it does, and that's something I've pondered a lot for me personally. I feel detached, I feel weird.

Maybe some people don't, maybe some people can jump into intimacy immediately and not feel like it's fabricated. Maybe for them it's not fabricated, maybe that's one-sided, maybe that's only coming from my end.

But the whole thing just feels so whack when you're in it, you know what I mean? Next con? Someone might want it to turn into something more. Okay, a lot of us go into a hookup like, Okay, this is just for fun, like.

I don't need to see this person ever again like this is just for fun.

I've found that a lot of times, one person ends up catching feelings a little bit, ends up getting attached a little bit. Chances are one of you is going to get hurt. Yeah, there's the occasional instance where both people fall in love with each other through a one-night stand. Sure, but more often than not, one person gets attached and the other person wants nothing to do with the other person. And that leaves you with a situation where either you have to be an asshole or they have to be an asshole.

And the reason why I say asshole is because having sex with somebody is very vulnerable. It's very sacred to a lot of people and it always feels a little insensitive to cut someone off after you have sex with them. Now it's all fun and games. When both of you never want to speak again afterwards, or just want to be friends afterwards or something, that's great.

But that, again, normally doesn't happen in my experience. One person wants to go on a date all of a sudden, you know. And someone's going to have to be the asshole and cut it off, and that just feels terrible. On both ends. If you're the one who has to be the asshole, you feel terrible. Because you're like, I went and had sex with this person. Now they like me.

I feel terrible that this meant more to them than it meant to me, and I have no choice but to sort of cut them off. It hurts on the other side, for even more obvious reasons. Because now you like someone and they don't like you back, and when they don't like you back, it hurts 10 times worse. When you were so vulnerable with them for a moment in time.

It hurts 10 times worse. Next con. It can be tempting to really lean into hookup culture. When you're going through a breakup because you're trying to move on from your ex, you're trying to get them out of your head. But unfortunately, that tends to make it worse.

Not always, not always. I think short term it can be helpful, short term it's a distraction. Short term it sort of breaks the cycle with the last person. And it can sort of be the sign of a new chapter, right? But long term, I think it actually makes it worse.

This is not to say that like, you can't go and hook up with people after a breakup, because it's like, Okay, obviously, you have to do that eventually. But at times, people seek out casual hookups to try to get over an ex as quickly as possible. And that's when it's a problem, you know, when you go and you start hooking up with people too soon. I think it can be a problem because in the moment it's a distraction. If you're lucky, it might actually be a really great experience. But when you're going through a breakup, the emptiness that you might feel will only go away temporarily.

During a hookup, the emptiness that you feel comes back, and in my experience, it comes back 10 times worse. I'm not exactly sure why this is, maybe it's because you expect to feel better after you hook up with somebody. You expect the emptiness to go away, and when it comes back, not only are you feeling the emptiness again, but now you're also feeling the disappointment. That the casual hookup didn't fix your problem like you thought it would.

I also think that a lot of times we start hooking up with new, random people and without even meaning to, we start comparing them to our ex. If we're going through a breakup and inevitably, it's not going to be good. Because it's inevitable that when comparing your ex to a random hookup, your ex is going to look better. A lot of times because you actually had a relationship with your ex, you actually had an emotional bond with this random person. You have nothing. You might even have better sexual chemistry with this new person, but you don't have memories with this random hookup person.

You don't have history with them. Your ex will almost always come out on top when you compare the two. That's why I think it's such a nasty, nasty cycle. When you go through a breakup, it's like you go through a breakup and you want to go and distract yourself and just start getting out there.

So you start hooking up with people, oh, let me just get it over with. And then it ends up making you miss your ex more over time. Because you're trying to put a band-aid on an open wound. And you need to get stitches, and the only way that you can get stitches is by having some time alone. And rebuilding your confidence and your sense of self again. Until you feel strong enough to go back out there and really hit the town in a strong way. Another thing I hate about a hookup is that it's so hard to do that without alcohol. I've never once not been at least pretty buzzed.

Why? Because you don't know what to talk to them about. It's awkward, it's uncomfortable, you don't know what to expect.

Now this doesn't apply to everybody. I know some people are totally good not drinking in these types of scenarios, but I know a lot of people who need alcohol for this type of scenario. And myself included. And in general, in life, I don't like relying on alcohol to be able to do something. You know, I used to feel like I needed to be drunk to go to a party and so you know what I did.

Took a step back for a second, rethought it and said, I need to learn how to go and be social without alcohol. So I stopped drinking and I started being more smart about where I went out, so that I didn't feel the pressure to drink. And then now I'm at a place where I can go to any party and I don't feel the pressure to drink. I don't need to drink. Socially, I don't ever want to be in a situation where I feel like I have to be drunk to participate.

And I've come such a long way socially and confidence wise that at this point, I feel like I should be able to do this without alcohol. But I still don't think I could, and that's a sign to me that I shouldn't be doing it, you know, if you need a substance to participate in an activity, there's some sort of growth that needs to be done on top of that. It harms your self esteem when you rely on alcohol, when you feel like you need alcohol to do something, it makes you feel incapable, which fucks with your self esteem. And that's not good for anyone.

Next Con? I don't think it's good to go out on a Friday night with friends with the expectation of hooking up with someone. And it can be really easy to fall into that routine where it's like, okay, when I go out, I'm going to hook up with someone, I'm going to find somebody to hook up with. I'm going home with somebody tonight, it's happening.

And the problem is, when you set these types of expectations, you end up wasting your whole night looking for somebody to hook up with instead of just living in the moment. Okay, dancing with your friends, having a conversation with somebody who's just cool. Yeah, maybe you're not into them, you're not attracted to them, you wouldn't have sex with them, but they're just cool.

Maybe you're not entertaining those types of people because you're too busy looking around for someone to hook up with. Like, spending the whole night scanning the room for a hottie is not fun. I'm sorry, it's not fun, I will admit.

In my life, I have ruined some nights because I just wanted to find someone and you just have so much less fun that way. But also, I swear the universe knows when you're looking for somebody to hook up with, because they never send someone your way on those evenings ever. The only time I've ever had luck has been when I've gone out and been like, I don't give a fuck tonight. I just want to have fun, that's all I care about.

Having fun, I don't care about anything else, what happens happens, I don't care. Now, this next one, I. I'm still chewing on it in my brain. But I am wondering if casual hookups sort of take the meaning away from sex.

As I mentioned earlier, casual hookups make me just detach, I just I'm somewhat removed from it when I'm in it. And there is a bit of pretending going on because you don't know each other, you have to sort of pretend like, you know what? I mean? I feel like the more that sort of just becomes your brain's norm during sex, I don't know.

I've noticed this in myself, it's like my casual experiences have made more meaningful experiences less exciting. And I wonder if that's just me getting older and me just becoming more desensitized to sex because I've had more of it. So then I just don't feel as explosive of emotions about it. But I don't know because I've talked to some people in my life, a lot of people in my life, in fact, about this.

And a lot of people have agreed with me, like, the more casual sex they've had, the more sex just feels meaningless to them. Maybe it loses its meaning because you're experiencing it with people who don't have meaning to you, you know, maybe that's why it sort of loses its novelty. Next Con? I think at times it can get in the way of finding somebody who can be good for you long term.

Listen, not all of us are looking for somebody to be with long term. But I mean, I would say, I am, you know what I mean like? Ultimately, my goal is to find somebody to be with long term. Not everyone has that goal.

So I guess if you don't have that goal, then this doesn't really apply. But it's very time consuming to find people to hook up with. Okay, maybe you're using Instagram, you're finding hot people on Instagram, maybe you're using a dating app.

You're doing that, maybe you're just bar hopping on Friday night, whatever you're doing, you're taking a lot of time to do it. And when you're searching with the intention of finding somebody to hook up with, you might miss somebody who could actually be a great long term partner who just maybe doesn't have the vibe that they want to hook up. Like, when you set an intention like, Okay, I'm finding somebody to hook up with, you might miss the people in your peripheral who would be great to date.

Now, some might argue that there's overlap, like, the same people that you want to hook up with are the people that you want to date. Yeah, but that's kind of complicated, too, because, let's say you're overlapping, you know, you're choosing the same people to hook up with, that you would date. Okay, well, let's say you hook up with one of those people, and let's say you really start to have feelings for them. It can be kind of tough to backpedal and build a relationship backwards after starting everything out with sex. Because ultimately, a good romantic relationship is built on a foundation of friendship.

And I don't know, there's something sort of unnatural about going backwards and sort of building this friendship. When you already have this intimacy established, you sort of have to force yourself to go back and build this friendship now. On top of that, sexual chemistry can be blinding. Because you may think that you have this connection, this special connection with this person, but really, you just have sexual chemistry and your friendship might not end up working out, so you might end up creating a dysfunctional relationship or just another failed relationship.

There's a lot of room for error when you have to backpedal and build a foundation when you've already had sex. In my opinion, in my experience as a grandma next con. Sometimes we hook up with people that we really, really don't know. And if you're like me, that makes you anxious, who the fuck is this person?

Who is this? who is this? They don't know me well enough to be in my space like this, yet I'm letting them into this space. I invited them into this space, yet they don't know me like that. Not only that, but are they lying to me?

Do they have an active sexually transmitted infection? Are they cheating on their girlfriend? What's happening, you know? like, are they filming me right now? you don't know?

That's the other thing when you're just kind of random with it. You have no idea who you're dealing with. You just have no idea and that's frightening. Okay, you're having a very, very vulnerable moment that has health risks, safety risks, et cetera.

And you don't even know who this fucking person is. It's ridiculous. And last but not least, okay, last con. You may be trying to boost your confidence in the wrong way. Listen, we all just want to feel hot, cool, special, attractive.

We all want to feel that, and nothing gives you a little boost of that more than sex. It's the highest form of flattery in some ways, you know, it's like, Wow, this person is so attracted to me that they want to have sex with me.

Unfortunately, though, the little confidence boost that you get from a casual hookup is short-lived. Okay, it's very, very short-lived. Number one, because there's a chance that the person you had sex with doesn't actually respect you, doesn't actually care about you. And when you figure that out, it might make you feel 10 times worse than you did before, because now you don't feel hot, cool and special anymore.

And on top of that, you feel like you just got played, which makes you feel even worse about yourself. But also there are times when you may choose somebody to have sex with that you don't respect. And you know when you go and have sex with this person that you don't respect. When you look at yourself in the mirror the next day, you're like, Wait a minute, why would I do that with somebody who I don't respect? Now? I don't respect myself? Why did I stoop down to that level?

That's not cool, that's not hot, you know? Going into it for a confidence boost, it's just it's not, it's not gonna work. And even if everything goes just as planned and you have sex and this person actually respects you, even though it's just a casual hookup. And maybe they even start to like you, and maybe you even like them back. If you're trying to find your confidence in something outside of yourself, it will always end in catastrophe.

And on that note, I'm a grandma, I'm a grandma, you know, I'm celibate. No, I'm kidding. The funny thing about all this is that, like, I know that all this is true.

Like, I'm giving you my findings, I'm showing you my findings. And yet I might go and contradict these things tomorrow, like, I don't trust myself, like, I don't know.

Like, even though I know all of this is true, I still might go and do it again. I might. But you know, that's what's fun about being in your 20s. You know that something doesn't benefit you, but you do it anyway because it's fun. But is it fun?

I don't know, I don't know. Here's the thing, everyone's different. Okay, I'm gonna really nail this into your brain.

Everyone's different, this is my experience. This is what I've found. You might have the opposite experience, you might be like, Emma, uh-uh.

I love casual hookups, it works for me, it's fun for me, I love it. And you're wrong.

And guess what, that's totally fine, because none of us are wrong, we're all just different. I don't know, let me know if you agree with me, though.

I'm genuinely curious, you can shoot me a DM on the Anything Goes Instagram at AnythingGoes and let me know because I genuinely like, I'm very curious. Because there's a lot of people in my life who agree with me about this, there are some people in my life who completely disagree with me on this. It's very split.

I would say 70 agree with me, 30 completely disagree with me. And it's the whole thing is so fascinating to me, you know, because I wonder, like, why is it so different for people? You know, is it just personality? One type of personality thrives in this environment.

One doesn't. Is it the cumulative experiences that you've had throughout your life, like, what is it? What? I don't know?

I don't know, anyway, that's all I have for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I hope that you enjoyed it. And if you did. New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.

You can listen anywhere you stream podcasts, but video episodes are exclusive on Spotify. You can follow Anything Goes on Instagram at Anythinggoes. You can follow me on Instagram. At Emma Chamberlain. You can check out my coffee company, chamberlaincoffee.com. We have coffee.

We have tea, we have lattes in a can, we have lots of stuff. You can order online or use the store locator and see if we're in a store near you. And I don't know.

I guess I'll just talk to you soon. I can't believe I just talked about sex for so long, considering so many people don't think that I have sex. It's like an urban legend that, like, I don't have sex, I actually get it. But it's also kind of like, really, like, come on.

Yes, I do, obviously, obviously I do, and it's obvious that I do a lot too. Because I considered a half of a hookup, a hookup almost earlier in the episode, okay?

Talk to you guys later, love you guys, talk to you later.