quitting nicotine update (it’s not going well)

Okay, I have been going to bed at promptly 9 30 p.m.

Every night this week and wow has it been amazing and refreshing but not tonight. No not tonight

Because tonight I'm feeling a little bit chatty

Yes, I'm feeling a little bit chatty. I'm in the mood to talk. I'm in the mood to hang out

I'm in the mood for a sleepover vibe

Except not really because I've never really liked sleepovers very much the older I get the more I warm up to sleepovers

But I used to be the kid that

Had to get picked up once all the other kids went to bed at a sleepover because I was like, well, I can't handle this

Psychologically, I can't handle this. I'm not exactly sure why but I can't handle this. I used to freak out at sleepovers

It was my worst nightmare. I was a very anxious child

But even now I don't love a sleepover, I just don't I think the reason why I don't like them now

Is less because I'm anxious and scared of being in a new place and it's more

the awkwardness

Around what time we go to bed

Like who stops talking first, like if it's a sleepover where everyone's sleeping in the same room, it's like, okay

When do we stop talking and just go to bed and a lot of times?

The talking goes on so late because nobody wants to be the one to be like, okay

We need to we need to go to bed now because it's not fun to be that person. Nobody wants to be that person

You know what I'm saying? So

Yeah, so anyway, I don't like sleepovers, but I'm in a sleepover mood. So we're up past my bedtime

So listen, I feel like I owe you an update on my nicotine quitting journey

Because I've made two episodes now about my journey and as far as you know, things are going great

They're not going phenomenal

But they're going great

Last time you heard I had gotten through the first few weeks of painful withdrawal

filled with

anxiety

depression

sleepless nights

too much sleeping

one or the other

Intense cravings mood swings

etc, etc, and

I had switched over from using a vape

to using nicotine pouches that had a lower amount of nicotine in them, so I was

Slowly, but surely tapering off

the nicotine

Using these nicotine pouches that I put in my mouth

so I

Have a really disappointing update for you. I mean, it's not going well

It's going terrible. In fact, I

Have a vape in my pocket right now. It's going that bad. I'm not proud to tell you this. I

Feel deeply ashamed and I'm not sure if I necessarily should

You know, I don't know if it's healthy to feel ashamed

Because I guess I'm doing my best

To quit and inspire others to quit

But I'm not leading by example very well right now. I'm not leading by example at all because I'm

Fully vaping again. Okay, I'm back and I'm not proud of it and I'm planning on quitting again

But I want to sort of tell you what happened

you know, I was doing so well and

Then boom, I'm back and I'm vaping again

I want to tell you how this happened so that we can both learn from it. So it all started

When I went through a little breakup

Just a little breakup. Oh not good. Oh that hurt listen

Whether you've been through a breakup or not

You know that that shit sucks. It just sucks

Even if it's the right thing to do

even if it was super civil and

Everyone's still

Cool with each other and it's the best-case scenario doesn't matter

Doesn't matter

still wreaks havoc on your brain and

I will say that I

Have been handling this situation

Way better than I anticipated

What I say, I'm like I'm slaying

Actually, yeah, I'm doing pretty well

For someone going through a breakup, you know, maybe like yeah

I'm doing well for somebody going through a breakup. I'm not doing well compared to like the average person

Going through a breakup is terrible. I think it hurts a little differently for everyone for me personally it

Sort of rocked my foundation a little bit. I

have a very small circle of people in my life and

Every single person in my little world are very significant to me and

Losing one of those people is

Catastrophic for me

It's a catastrophe

Not really

You know, we can get through anything right but it feels catastrophic and I also think I have a hard time

trusting people a little more just because I

Don't know in my industry. A lot of people are trying to use

You for things and it's hard to find somebody who just genuinely loves you and appreciates you for you

so I find that I have a

particularly challenging time

finding people who I can really trust

because

People see that you have a certain amount of Instagram followers and suddenly they think of you differently and I don't like that

I want to be held to the same standard as everyone else because I know that

Instagram followers or

Whatever it doesn't matter

But not everyone feels this way. So

Yeah, I tend to have a hard time

finding people that I trust and

It's a catastrophe for me when one of those people disappears out of my life

so

Even though I handled the breakup very well. I

still

Was a little bit of a mess

But whenever I'm going through a challenging time, my dad always tells me to make a plan make a plan

what are you gonna do to get through this and be stronger on the other side and

One of the things that I really wanted to do was

continue to be more social and

Continue to make more friends in a more intentional way

because

For a few years there I was very focused on being in a relationship and working on my career

And that was great and that made sense for the time

But it was definitely very isolating and I have no regrets because it was a crucial time for me

but it left me with as I mentioned earlier a very small circle of people in my life and

One of my priorities was like hey, let's

Broaden this circle. Let's open this circle up. Let's bring more people in let's have more people around

So I've been really utilizing my weekends. Okay, Friday Saturday

To go and be social like a normal fucking 22 year old something

I haven't really done very much yet. So I've been going out. I go to bars. I

Go to little parties

You know, I'm doing the thing

But I know, you know my limits like I'm not going too crazy. I'm being responsible in my opinion, you know, I drink

Very moderately a glass of wine at dinner. Maybe a tequila soda out at the bar call it a night

Sometimes no drink at all

Maybe I'm driving that night and then every once in a while. Maybe I'll have

Majority of a bottle of wine at dinner that's happened once or twice

But overall I'd say I'm pretty good. I don't do any drugs

Not for me though by some miracle. I'm staying up so late. I I have been staying out until like

Five in the morning some nights and whenever I tell people this they're like, okay, so you're on drugs

I'm not I don't know how I'm able to do it

But I'm able to push all night I think it's like excitement it's like this

weird

innocent

excitement that I have

to be out

You know because it's still kind of new for me when I moved to LA when I was 17

I didn't go to college. So I'm not going to frat parties. I'm not going to all these college parties and

The kids that I hung out with when I moved here didn't really like to party

and

Whenever I would get invited to a party, I don't know. I just wouldn't really participate. I didn't really feel like I fit in I felt

Like I wasn't supposed to be there because I wasn't I was very young but I don't know. I've never really been someone who

Consistently like went and hung out at bars or went to parties and it's good for me in

Most ways it's good for me socially. I've been meeting new friends meeting new people. It's been great

It's been really fun and exhilarating a little bit spooky, but overall exhilarating and fun. It's weirdly made me more

Focused and less burnt out

in a lot of ways

It's made me

Happier I like being around people in this phase of my life. I feel more extroverted in this phase of my life

So it's benefiting me there. Okay, so here's where it's not benefiting me

Everyone vapes it's just the times that we live in there are so many people vaping all the time and

I think this combination of me

Going through a breakup and then being around all these people vaping. I was doomed

I was doomed and it started with me hitting people's babes be like, oh

man, I

Wish I could hit that and then they're like just hit it and I'm like now

They're like, come on. I'm like fuck it. Okay, and

Every time I would do it. I'd be like damn it. That's so bad. Emma. You're so bad

You're really bad

Why would you do that?

But then it got really bad because I went out and I fucking bought myself one. I don't remember why I

Think I was having a really tough day

not about anything in particular, but just in general and I was feeling really down and

Just depressed almost and I was like fuck it. I don't care about anything

I'm just gonna go buy a vape. That'll make me feel better and

Then it's just been

Plateaued from there, you know, that's where I'm at. My emotional state has improved since that day

But nothing has changed. I'm continuing to vape when you're addicted to something

It's so easy to just make excuses for yourself that are completely invalid

I always have some sort of excuse for myself when I'm like, oh, I need to quit again. Like come on, Emma

What are you doing?

I'll think about it for a second. I'm like

But come on, like you just went through a really tough time with your love life. So it's totally okay or like

Well, everyone else is vaping. So it's like whatever it's fine

No

None of that is true. It's so crazy

How easy it is to convince yourself that what you're doing is fine when it's not and

I've been playing that silly little game in my head for the last few weeks because

My willpower is low

we have to

use willpower every day for

Various different things that we deal with in life. We have to use willpower to not

Say something rude to our teacher or to our boss. We have to use willpower to exercise. We have to use willpower to

Not go and text our ex or something. You know what I'm saying?

We're constantly using willpower and I don't know sometimes it can feel like you just don't have any left

Again, that's not a proper excuse either. But I think that that's how I've been feeling recently is like, oh my god

I'm using so much willpower and all these other areas of my life

I can't use it here, but I can I can and that's just another excuse

Okay, so I'm back. I'm back. I'm vaping

I'm not proud of it and I'm mortified to come on here and tell you this

but listen, I made the decision to involve the internet you listening on this journey with me and

I got to show you the good the bad and the ugly

I think it's been great to share this experience with the internet because it's held me accountable

To be honest, I probably would have gone back to vaping like a week after

Mentally deciding I was gonna quit had I not shared that I wanted to do this with the internet

But because I told everybody I was quitting every time I'd have an urge. I was like I can't

Go back and tell everyone

Never mind like that would destroy me. So it definitely held me accountable

but

It's also added a level of pressure

That is arguably

Not helpful. I don't know. I'm I can't decide and listen. This is something I did to myself

So none of you are putting pressure on me. I'm putting pressure on me

For you from you, does that make sense? Like you're not even putting pressure on me, but I'm just assuming that you are which is then

Causing me to feel pressure. I feel ten times more guilty about using the vape again

Because I shared it with the internet and I'm not sure what that says about me and the value that I put on

The opinions of the general internet. I mean I do respect

the people who

Listen to my podcast, so I guess it does make sense that I care about

Making the people who listen to my podcast proud

But at the same time it's an abstract

Group of people. I don't know but I feel ten times guiltier

about being back on the vape and arguably this is good because I

Should feel bad about it, you know, it's not something that I should be doing and

I know that I need to quit but that

shame and pressure

to do better

Can sometimes backfire in a weird way and and I've noticed that this has sort of happened with me in my subconscious

the guilt and shame and pressure that I'm feeling

Almost caused me to rebel and just be like well fuck it. I don't care. I'm just gonna keep doing it then because

the shame and pressure make me feel bad about myself and

When you feel bad about yourself, you have much less motivation to

Do something that requires a level of willpower. You just don't care. You don't value yourself enough

To do something challenging to benefit yourself

weirdly, I think

Keeping these sorts of journeys to yourself can be valuable

because you're able to

go on the journey on your own and

inevitably, you're gonna fuck up but instead of having to ask three other people or a hundred other people for

forgiveness when you fuck up you only have to ask yourself and

Arguably, that's easier and much better

But on the other hand

we can have a tendency to make excuses for ourselves and

So it can be really nice to have people holding you accountable. So I'm sort of torn

I have no regrets about sharing this journey with the internet, but I've noticed how it's impacted

the way I'm processing the situation the way that I'm handling this situation and

I'm just sharing that with you so that you can consider it if you ever need to quit something

Or change something about yourself and you're trying to decide whether or not to share that with others

I think it depends on you and it depends on the severity of the situation, you know

I think it's also really hard to share your journey with others because when you make a brief slip up

Instead of just leaving that in the past and doing better tomorrow. You might feel a pressure to

Tell everyone who knows about your journey that you made a slip up and that makes you

Relive your slip up more

Times than you may need to it can be a lot easier to slip up and then just say you know what?

Fuck it. That was a slip up

Let's move on. Let's just do better tomorrow. And if it's a journey that you're going on

personally in your own

mind and

Universe and no one else knows

And it doesn't matter if other people see you slip up or this or that because only you know

What your end goal is and there's nobody pointing out this or pointing out that and there's no one to update on

This fuck up or that fuck up. I don't know. I'm really

Conflicted on what the best

method is

Here's the moral of the story

This shit is not gonna be linear. It's not gonna be perfect

When there's something in your life that you know, you need to change

You can't expect that journey to be

Picture-perfect. There are gonna be bumps. They're gonna be big fuck-ups

They're gonna be small fuck-ups

there are gonna be epiphanies and

If you keep pushing and you keep trying and you don't give up and you don't let your self-esteem get destroyed over it

By remembering that you're human and this is just what happens when humans try to change things

Then eventually you'll succeed and I know for me. I know I'll quit

I know I will and some of you out there might have your doubts right now

And you know what I can handle that I can handle that because I know I will quit

It might be in a month and it might be in 20 years, but I will quit. No, it'll be sooner than 20 years

It might take a little longer than a month

I'm realizing that this is much more challenging than I initially thought. I really thought I'd be done by now and I'm not

This is going to be a journey, but I'm not gonna give up on myself and I'm not gonna let this

failure

Change the way I see myself. I'm still awesome

I'm still

tough and

Cool and

Eventually, I'll do this. But by the way, there are so many other things that I'm trying to change

Simultaneously, I think we can all relate to this

There's usually not just one thing that we want to change about ourselves

Yeah, I want to stop

using the vape, but I also

In managing my social media addiction

Listen, I know we're all sick of talking about it, but we all have social media addictions. Okay. Sorry

There might be a few of you out there who are different

But most of us do that's something that I'm constantly working on. I have

These phases where I'm really good in my relationship with social media is really healthy

And then I have phases where I just waste my life

On there for weeks

Just scrolling and looking. I'm also working on being less self-deprecating

For a long time. I didn't know why I was that way

Upon further reflection. I think it is a defense mechanism. I use

to

avoid

People saying mean things about me. Like I want to be the first one to say it it also

Lessens the possibility of embarrassment if I'm just constantly self-deprecating

Then I'm less likely to get embarrassed because again, I embarrass myself first

But I'm trying not to do that anymore because I don't think that that's good for my self-esteem

Or for those around me. It's not

Enjoyable for people to hear people don't like when I'm self-deprecating. They're like that's

Not nice don't say that about yourself and then I'm like, okay, but

That's my prerogative. I can say whatever I want about myself, but I also know what they mean

It's like it's uncomfortable when somebody's talking shit about themselves

too much

Yeah, a little self-deprecating

Jab here or there fun, but I've gone into a routine of

Constantly saying self-deprecating things about myself and that's just not pleasant to be around. So I'm working on that

You get my point here. We're all constantly working on

changing things about ourselves and

It is a long and bumpy road some of the changes that we try to make to ourselves

Take a lifetime, you know, we never

Fully reach a point that we're satisfied with and that's okay, too

But as long as you're going in the right direction

Vaguely and you keep doing your best

Everything's gonna be okay. I don't know when I'm gonna update you next about my nicotine quitting journey

I might update you in a month. I might update you in five years

But listen if you see me out

Hitting the vape you have the right to come up to me and say Emma put that thing down. I

Wish I had a better update for you. I really do

And I hope you're not too disappointed in me. You can be disappointed in me. Like that's fine. I can handle that

Just be kind of gentle

Anyway, my nicotine quitting update super disappointing edition

Yeah, not my proudest moment, but I don't know. I have a good feeling about 2024 for me

I feel like it's gonna be a year of

Cleansing my body of unwanted chemicals such as nicotine

Really finding myself again. I don't know when you're in your 20s. You're constantly losing yourself and then finding yourself again, right?

Isn't that what they all say? So, I don't know maybe 2024 will be a year of finding myself again. I'm also

expecting a

Really interesting style shift for myself. I feel like my clothing is gonna get more exciting for me, you know

I think it's gonna be one of those years where it's hot girl winter

Then it's hot girl spring then it's hot girl summer obviously then it's hot girl fall

So I'm like kind of feeling that trajectory coming through for me for 2024

Yeah, that's what I'm looking forward to

Just 2024 being my year. See this is honestly like

Actually me making an excuse for myself again me being like

2024 is my year. I'm gonna quit the vape. It'll be like such a hot year for me like that

Is me subconsciously saying I don't have to quit till 2024

Yeah, I still have a lot of work to do. All right. Well, listen, I love you all and I appreciate you all and

I hope you're having a gorgeous day

And if you're not I hope tomorrow's gorgeous and if tomorrow's not either you'll have a gorgeous day soon

It'll come at some point it has to and if you enjoy anything goes

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We have all the beverages you could dream of and that's all that's all I have. That's all I got

I'll talk to you soon until then just know that I love you and appreciate you

Bye