Sebastian Maniscalco

Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Minnie Mouse. Hi there. Um, This is a gentleman.

I was so fun. both stories crazy.

So, in time for Father's Day, tell us your best dad story. Tell us your best parent teacher conference story.

Is that from teachers or parents or either way? Yeah,

If you something insane happen at a parent teacher conference and you're a parent, that would be fine, too. Great. Yeah, like if you're the teacher you were talking to, is like smoking a doobie during it or something Who knows what could happen fingers crossed. tell us about an embarrassing sex experience. Sorry guys, still a pervert.

What do you think of that? I've had it for a while. it's been like 17,, but I got two small kids seven years.

Yeah, I feel like that's kind of responsible for a man of your mean.

You and I both know you could have any number of vehicles. I'm a modest man. Are you? yeah, I don't like to.

Buy a lot. I like to do experiences. That's good. It was that learned, or that's your natural disposition.

I grew up next to Rob Rob hometown, North West suburbs of Arlington Heights. Everyone will think you're from Queens.

That's got to be a common. Yeah, but that's the Italianness in you, right? That's the immigrant dad.

Yeah, he's staying with me right now for 10 days. Where do you live? I live in Los Angeles. Oh, okay,

I can't believe I've never bumped into my life. Well, I go ahead. You know where there could have been an incredible bump in. now that I've learned about you, I could have been at a junket at the Four Seasons You could have in your. what would we call that your duration there?

Yeah, you lived at the Four Seasons. He was a waiter at the Four Seasons. Oh Great. I knew you would like that. I do love that.

Okay, so, but besides that, like that's a Possibility, cuz first movie I was ever in came out 2004.

Was it without a paddle? without a paddle? When was the Dane Cook movie? That was those six.

Okay, so around that time. Yeah. Okay, back to you. by experiences. Did you have to learn that?

No, that was just upbringing cuz in my world. I always think it's going away.

My therapy this morning was singularly about when will the amount of money happen where I'm not terrified Cuz, I've passed the number. I told myself I would not be terrified anymore many times.

Yeah, and then nothing's helping. Do you have that? Yeah, so are you ever content? Are you ever satisfied with where you are at? Professionally, or is it just a game?

They realize yeah.

And that I don't deserve their attention.

No, it is. Is it gonna happen? When is it gonna happen? So you go through all those different ups and downs as you're building it, But once you get to a certain level and you're like, okay, I'm here. now what I mean, what are we doing here?

I think it's harder for you. It has to be harder for you because implicit in your job is you're traveling. Yeah, this is a hack. It's in my backyard. I don't even have to go on a movie set anymore and I have two little kids.

We're gonna get into the Jordans too, because I have a whole thing on Jordans. Okay, great.

We have. by the way, we had this debate about 12 episodes ago. Oh, you did. Yeah, when do I look like a fucking dumbass? already?

And I grew up in Chicago, So I had a pair of Jordans when I was in sixth grade, 50 bucks used off a truck.

Oh, this was. they were a hundred. We're the same age. They won't go to Foot Locker. They were a hundred, in fact.

And I did, I don't know, 50s hanging in my head for some reason. Oh low, Sebastian for 19.

What? well, I guess you're comparing 86, or I don't know. Tell me what year is sixth grade for you. Jordans came out in.

1986

With that shirt. My first pair was 93.. So I guess they could. boy, that would be something 50 bucks. I'm sick.

We'll do some fact-checking later. Okay, 50 bucks. I have two pairs of Jordans one.

I got as a gift currently not back in a currently right now.

Okay, and I'm looking at myself in these things on 50.

Yeah, children's gym shoes. Mm-hmm. I'm assuming neither of us play much basketball. I don't play No.

So I came across these. these are Jordans. Okay, these are cool. These are Jordans 23.

All right, meaning the year 23 or his number. This is the 23rd Jordan they put out. that feels important, because his number was 23, you would think.

but The guy I got these from Joe over a complex sneakers or complex not sneakers, whatever. it is some cool play cafeteria.

ugly.

I said, let me have them. This is perfect, because I don't want to walk around with what everybody's got. So that's my story on my particular pair of Jordans. Yeah, terminal uniqueness.

Ugly, yeah, better to be in something ugly, but be the only one in it.

I don't know if I could talk about what I saw when I pulled up in your driveway. There is a. I don't know what you call it, but it looks like it's an off-road vehicle. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There's a four-seater razor right there. Now. Are you, that's gotta get all the shiny shit? Yeah. Yes, Okay, so where you and I differ is that I didn't get those fucking Jordans in sixth grade.

How often is he out? comes maybe two or three times a year, 77 years old. He wants to come enjoy his grandkids. My sister's out here. She's got three kids.

He's really enjoying his time and he moved here when he was 15 from Italy. Yeah, and he's a hairdresser. He's a hairdresser. So that to me I've got an image of a 70s 80s in Chicago hairdresser.

Is there some natural flamboyance? No, growing up. He was bald with a ponytail.

But I am wondering cuz, so much of your comedy is about your dad. First of all, I'm a huge fan. I just love your shit. Also, I grew up on dice and I missed the dice energy so much and you certainly have some of that dice energy I love. but so much years comedy is about your dad.

Does your dad like the fact that he's so present in your comedy? He loves the fact that he's a staple in the act. He also loves kind of the residual effect That's having on his life. since he's so prevalent on my Instagram and what-have-you. He gets noticed a lot.

So.

Listeners.

Please go up. Yeah, you'd be inconveniencing him by not.

He told me the airport on the way over and he's like. I noticed a couple looking at me and I was upset that they didn't approach.

I'm proud of you that you give that to your dad generously, and it's not a complex situation. So my dad left when I was three, as I got famous. He was enjoying to like. I called him one time out of nowhere. middle of the day in a Wednesday.

But it sounds like you're good at that. my dad's always been kind of a critic of what I've been doing my entire life. We just actually were talking about this before I came here, and I don't know how you are with your kids.

Or just criticism?

As nice of you to euphemize it.

But he acknowledged. now he's like, yeah, I probably could have massaged the message a little bit better, But then I always come back with yeah, but if you did, would that of where are you made me weaker?

And not who I am today. Are you still slinging hash at this four seasons?

Hard to know what's right, what's wrong? I guess you got to go on instinct and hey, this is the what I know. But now, having kids, I'm firm, but there's a lot of I love you's going around the house And that's a lot of hugging, a lot of kissing. Sure. Not that I was growing up, not given those things.

Well, aren't you Italian supposed to be so affectionate? was he affectionate? No, I think he's more emotional now than he ever was.

I always feel like he's on the brink of tears at any Moment of the day.

Turmoil for them. You also have these moments. I'm sure your dad's having them where you just go like, oh, okay, worked out. Yeah, really like you just carry so much anxiety my spending the money, right? Am I on the road too much of my to loving?

Do you say four and six? Yeah, it's gonna be seven tomorrow. I think they are smarter at this age than I ever was at their age, just what they have access to. these kids nowadays are so much more well-rounded than we ever were, and that has a lot to do with the exposure to even Information. like I was on the iPhone looking up stuff back in the day.

Yeah, I know you were way more comfortable, just not knowing much. Yes, There's a lot of wondering and being comfortable and not knowing, which I think increasingly people are so uncomfortable.

If they don't know something. even if somebody tells me something, I ain't gonna remember it. Anyway, my memory, you're young, but you know, you're 49.. I'm doing this TV show right now, Memorizing lines. bookie.

I gotta be in my bedroom to learn You're on season two. How many episodes was season one eight and this is eight. I had a hard time in movies memorizing lines. It was a beatdown. I had to write it out like I'd write it on yellow paper.

We've been four weeks production right now and I'm feeling I'm hitting a stride. that being said, I feel like I transpose words and flip them around, and when you're on a movie set or TV set, 150 people are waiting to go home. That's the hard part of acting. Yeah. Yeah, it's not acting.

It's the stress of performing and everyone's waiting for you and looking at you, and you can be even harsher.

You're gonna fail at your job Five times in route to getting it right on the sixth time and a hundred people are gonna watch and they want to go to lunch. Yeah, it's a unique.

Situation for a comedian doing this? it's hard not to look at the crew and go. is this funny?

Smiling, you're hearing crickets.

I'll catch the corner of my eye like a guy's texting. He's crazy. You don't even want to watch.

Look, you caught them watching another show.

Well, what was mom's vibe? my mother often asked me where the hell am I, you know, you go on these podcasts. He's not talking about me, mom. Here. We are.

Can I test some of my Italian stereotypes on you? Sure, I had a very limited data set where I grew up, But my best friend in sixth grade was Joey Riccardi and his dad was a bricklayer. He was fucking Luigi, hardest-working motherfucker, bought a Bertone. Remember, he wanted a Ferrari, but he bought a Bertone Bertone.

She did, but rabble attest, Northwest suburbs of Chicago. a lot of negativity. What brand of negativity. just like I did a movie. Yeah, anybody see it.

The friends, everybody. I'm from a Detroit suburb, it's the same thing. Boston's got it particularly bad. It's the. you think you're better than me.

Back in the Northwest suburbs. It's taken as a joke and fun. I get it. It's not like I'm sitting there losing sleep over it, but there's not a lot of complimentary. Good job, You made it my mom.

They're grateful.

A wallet.

This is an improvement. I quit dipping on January 1st and half the people I interview half, Are you? half are professors and they'd be sitting across from me and they'd spend half the amulet. He's spitting into that container. What did he just put in his mouth?

Did.

Did you ever smoke? No, never smoked, never dipped. none of that drinking. What's your relationship? I like wine, Vino, but you know, you listen to these podcasts in Tuberman lab, Instagram.

I just had a bad night's sleep. Yeah, my back hurts.

It's true. You didn't spend the next whole day thinking. Oh Wine, and that's why I didn't sleep, because you didn't optimize yourself and a couple glasses of wine last night.

Apparently I'm stealing hours now from today, What I got a sleep ring on, because now I got to know how much deep REM sleep I'm getting. I don't even do anything with the information, though. You know, I'm saying do you sleep, ring it or calories?

Intake. my wife has done all of it. the best version of myself just doesn't say anything about it, But occasionally it comes out and I know exactly what you just said. What are we doing? this data?

It's just you feel like you have to quantify your whole existence. Monitor, you have a ring on. Yeah, so this is the aura sleep ring that I look at in the morning. I get up in the morning.

What a bizarre gap you just laid out To our.

Crown.

Okay, but I was talking about a friend, and my friend still does it and he hates it. Charlie gets like a fucking 40 every Night, and so all this thing does. is you wake up and you look in, you go. Well, I'm gonna have a shit day.

It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah. Well, I don't necessarily look at it like that. My wife does. that's what she doesn't look at in The morning.

Yeah, well, diversified. Do you play wordle or connections? No, I don't play any games.

See when Monica and I wake up. first thought is connections. Yeah, what's that? New York Times? It's got a game app, puzzle app the crosswords on their spelling bees on there.

We just got into it. It is.

20 words. No 20, no, it's 20.. Yeah, five categories of four words. Oh, no, you're right, 16, 4 & 4, 4 & 4, and it's a random group of words, and you gotta figure out which four going to each category. Which group together, like Royal Navy?

No, we're on a chain. And so you do it and then you send it to the chair. You send your results to the chain.

So you weren't allowed to yell at your mom, were you? I guess that's what I'm getting.

I mean it wasn't disrespectful.

Loud house, loud with the wasps have thought it was disrespectful.

No, my house was the house that everybody came to to hang out. So my parents were part of our clique. almost, I wasn't a combative kid. I was very Disciplined. I thought my parents were king and queen.

Look, you have children who yell at their parents. That's true. That is allowed.

I'm not into that, but I want to get your take, cuz I see this. sometimes I'm at the grocery store right kids getting out of line. No, I'm not doing it Cowpowing from the parents, like it's okay, Johnny, in my house. First of all, that doesn't go on. if there was a hint of it, It'd be like I'll leave the groceries right there.

So, first of all, I think Monica would also add my kids are insanely good at going. I'm really sorry when you said that I felt smaller and I felt like no one respects what I'm saying, But I realized that overreacted and I shouldn't. he yelled, and I'm sorry, that's correct. They do do that. So as long as that's where we're getting, All I'm hoping to turn out in the world is two kids that can take responsibility for their actions.

is the behavior between the siblings, or is a bowl drop and Your daughter to your wife goes? you fucked it. What are you doing? No, okay. This one just went.

Her face is betraying her.

Way, wife and you on the same page, a lot of the upbringing. Yeah, was this just by design, or is this like? Oh, yeah. No, she grew up kind of the same way.

I grew up. No, it's been a huge evolution and it has taken many years. I'm dying to know what you and your wife Lana. I don't know what your evolution has been. I did not want to be a dad who, like, rolls in at dinnertime and there's a whole system in place and I just stay Out of the way.

So I'm the disciplinarian. My wife comes from completely different background. I come from working middle class. She comes from very wealthy. So her upbringing was a lot of whatever you want, whatever you need, semester at sea.

package one of the amenities.

So a lot of racket sport, a lot of that. so it works in a way because She's very nurturing, very hey, you know, what's wrong? I'm a little bit more aggressive and firm. So it's a good balance there.

Stay tuned, armchair expert, if you dare.

You.

But one thing that I did read in preparation for this podcast And I got to get your take on this, because we're on two opposite ends of the spectrum here, and I want to clarify Oh, this is if this is true. Let's dance.

Santa Claus. Oh, yeah. I heard you on Kimmel rambling about this. So go ahead, lay out your Santa Claus.

Your child asked if Santa Claus was real and You said it's different than that. What is the story?

So I get the story is like, okay, Santa's coming, whatever age. that is where you can actually have that conversation. Maybe it's three, three years old. Yeah, like zero to two. just there's presents under the tree.

I'm not gonna break it down and I agree with what you said. You're lying on top of lies to perpetuate this little faces trying to compute, And we have three to be thinking that way is pretty advanced. So I tell you what we did.

What can I say? that to be really clear, people hear that and think I'm judgmental them. I don't give a fuck what anyone's doing. I don't think what I'm doing is right.

I think what I'm doing is right between me and my two girls. Yeah, that's great. This is the problem I got. Okay, my daughter comes up to me and goes. I think you and mommy are putting the shit under the tree And I think you're hiding the eggs.

To go with this, sorry, I.

Told my kid that there was no. Santa couldn't lie to them. Okay, that's what the other parents said. Yeah, yeah, so that kid now is coming to school and spoiling. Yeah.

Yeah, The immediate next thing I said is you are not to tell anyone this. Other people enjoy it. other people believe in stuff, other people believe in God, other people believe in Jesus. That's not our business in this House, I'm telling you the truth and it stays in here. So, just so you know, I don't want my kids going in room.

Yeah, so that's what's happening in my situation. Yeah, it's no good. They made the decision for you. That's not cool. Not cool.

So Santa. he's a fucking head-scratcher.

So I'm telling the Santa at this party that this is what's going on at school. He goes. I offer a service. I said what he was. I come to your house Christmas Eve.

Okay, I Think I'd prefer to spend a grand in this situation, but you're not looking for a bargain for a dude coming in your house.

Long story short, 1130.

Like, because if Santa really did roll through, you're gonna try to get a pic. cut the whole thing on video.

Oh, so I don't want any part of it. He's Goes back to bed. She sees him. She lit up right? Oh, my god, I said, come on, We gotta go back and it's restored.

Yes, so she went back to school and she confronted that yeah, kid said he was in my house. No, I saw him. I saw him in my house and now and now.

Cuz, that girl's like. no, you didn't. I don't even know what happened at school. This could cripple.

Minimally, it'll be brought up in some therapy session at 23. I think Conclusion might be my dad loved me so much. He invited a stranger into my house, a guy that only charges $300. Come in your house at 1130.. Oh, my dad.

But you haven't lived until you're outside in your slippers, peeling off $300 bills.

You know the Bromsteins, yeah, they're Jewish. I want you to fucking go in that house.

You know, growing up we didn't have a lot of Jewish people in our school. so everybody Santa. so now I got a lot of Jewish people in the school. They must be going. Santa, don't come to our house.

Tell me about it. It's confusing. Yeah, you know, we have a good friend who's from Venezuela, and they have the most hilarious thing, Which is they don't get Santa, but they tell their kids it's cuz it doesn't snow here.

No, they have baby Jesus. baby. Jesus brings presents and stuff. They have like a completely, but they're aware of Santa.

They know he exists in North Americana, but there's no snow down there. So he can't drive his sleigh down there. That's a good one. Very up for that. But, Sebastian, you must consider.

Eventually is she armed with the picture, you know what. my daughter is smart. I think she's pacifying us. Yeah, she probably, and she kind of knows. Okay, she's seven.

Okay, let me ask you this, because the first time we pitched the Santa concept to her and it didn't go. well, two seconds later It's Easter and I'm like, I'm willing to lie over Christmas, but to say there's an Easter Bunny that came through the house. I mean, no, we're talking about crazy. now. We're talking about like a sentient bunny.

I'm sitting there even though my four-year-old going. you ain't putting this shit together that there's a bunny.

Yeah,

Yeah, and the fact that he's breaking into the house? exactly. Well, and Santa does that they're all robbers.

Entering through the chimney big combat boots. He's been tracking you all year.

I think a lot of people don't even do that with Easter. They say we're doing an egg hunt. mommy and daddy did the egg hunt and Easter Bunny is just like a character. But because it's not as widespread, Not everyone's on the same page with the Easter Bunny. So I think it's the first one to go.

Yeah, I mean in talking to you about this. Yeah, I See another Perspective tunnel will go down and I'm more enlightened than I was when I came in here.

Oh, I want you to be really honest with me. Yeah, cuz I'm not totally unselfaware, Like I understand when you read a headline, Kristen Bell and Nac Shepard aren't telling their kids about Santa Claus. I'm in the real world. I'm like these idiot liberal Holly weirdos. Just get with the program man.

I put you with the person at my school that their kid now is going to tell everybody else at school. Yeah, what I didn't think about that. You said to your kid. it stays in the house.

So that's what I missed. Yeah, I wish that were a part of a headline.

Yeah, I mean it's not like I, like all like this fucking asshole. I kind of might, though I.

No, I'm totally with you. This just happened. I was on Kim a couple weeks ago. I didn't even know this headline existed. I'm pretty good at not knowing what's out there and he brought up on the thing behind me.

Kind of fucking weird. it's happening over there. the whole coming in the bathroom thing has happened to me. of course you have kids, a daddy and um. Get out of here.

Evacuating. Yeah, you're not even comfortable saying shitting or pooping. I can already. Your relationship with evacuating is already tenuous and you had a spectator. I can't have an audience.

What kind of kid are you not in the popular group played soccer? I wouldn't say a loner, but I went home for lunch and watched three's company. Okay, Ritter, Ritter. Everybody was throwing a Taco Bell. I just did my own Thing.

Dudes fought in your school. I imagine. was there a realistic threat of violence? No, okay, So you weren't afraid of getting like your ass kick. You weren't trying to lay low to just be ignored?

Okay, were you not a class clown? No, you weren't, no, despised it.

Fucking guy needs so much attention. It's amazing. You came here. I must trigger every Button, you have, don't? I'd be honest.

When do you know you're funny at home and come home and I'd report the news of what I saw at school? My dad would do that with his salon to it. So make the family laugh. There's a lot of table time growing up, a lot of family dinner. Yeah, and we stayed.

I'm most envious of the Italian family.

There was a lot of bonding over food and I shined at book reports. So anytime I had to get up in front of the class to do something. that's when I would be funny and I would sit down and people go what. but this guy didn't say a word all year and Now he came up and blew us out of the water. Okay, I know that archetype.

But then what's a little incongruous with that as you go away to northern? first of all, the vocabulary thrown at me Don't even you're like placating your audience right now. Yes, you are. Yeah, fuck you Communications major. you went to an actual University bullshit.

I became a lot more comfortable within my own skin. What were your insecurities in high school? I had bad acne. I got bullied early on in junior high. a little bit I just felt like an outlier, felt like it didn't fit in, like they were all having some experience that you were just observing.

You know, yeah, by the way, you didn't have a TV show. now you got a TV show.

I'm not saying I want to be right. Yeah. No, I know. I think you're maybe better off.

I feel like you know, a lot of Pete, like, you know, Bradley Cooper, right?

I.

Just feel like you're in the scene. Yeah, you know what it is.

I started working in 2003 on Punk'd. then I did a movie and I literally said to myself Wow, You know what? This is. this is a chance to go through high school all over again and like everyone, and I'm gonna take that. I mean it was a conscious decision, Like I'm not gonna roll through here as the punk rock skateboarder kid who thinks no one wants to be with him and is gonna judge Everyone.

I didn't have that feeling coming out here. I just felt like okay, here I go again. I'm a lone wolf, Strange town. I'm gonna go and try and do stand-up. I work alone.

If you would maybe ended up at the groundlings, I'm just curious what your relationship with that would all be.

Well, I ended up at Second City in Chicago. Oh, I hated it. What part, working with other people? Yeah.

President of a fraternity at a college. you're in the thick of it.

The way I looked at that. no one wanted to do it, and I don't like to see things fail, And I'm like no one wants to do this. I'll take the reins of doing this. Also, I like getting up in front of people. So every chapter meeting on Monday.

Is that where you discovered that moving around was amusing to people?

No, where I discovered that was just an evolution of doing stand-up within the first five years. I did this one joke about Ross for less work. I'm chucking stuff across the store and I noticed when I did that like, oh wow, people like the physical action and.

Explaining the story with movement. your physicality is so fantastic. Oh, thank you. Yeah, so fucking amusing. I try to make that a part of what I do.

That took time to come out, though, that's not where I normally Behave. when you're first doing stand-up, you're afraid, like ooh, can I do that? You're frozen.

Yeah,

So you're just kind of telling the jokes and then the layers start to peel off and you feel freer and loose. and why I could Do anything up there, not even thinking about it, which is why I wish I could get there in acting, because right now I'm like so worried about doing two things at once, like talking, learning the light and then drinking a cup of coffee. I'm like too much, you know, that's why I like car scenes.

Seated with a seat belt. They asked you to roll the window down. you're out, But it's so long as you don't have to make a turn or all the window down or shift. I only do scenes with automatic. That's it.

Yes, and I'm locked right in. Well, you were doing punk. That's definitely all improv. No script on that. By the way, were you in any of the auditions in the room with Ashton watching people?

Sometimes I auditioned for the first season, when it was just a pilot called harassment and I auditioned like 12 times And maybe the last four it started becoming obvious. Maybe I was one of the people and then they were kind of chemistry testing me with other people. So not impossible.

Maybe, but you're saying, like the casting director Ashton. Yeah, you yeah.

I would have never been there sitting watching an audition, but I was brought in to interact with other finalists, I guess. but you think you have a memory of me staring at you while you audition. Yeah, I think you were there and then, second season, I was gone. I never was around for anything. who did one season that show?

I got into the comedy store.

So one year, tell me what the different culture is between, like, what determines whether someone's gonna be a Laugh Factory person or a comedy.

Store person. so I started taking comedy Classes at the comedy store with Mitzi Shores daughter, Sandy Shore at the. it was called the Sandy Shores sandbox. I call Lee Shores sister. My thinking was oh, the sister likes me.

But I got one and a half Santa's, yeah.

So I Just loved the comedy store. I just loved being there. There's something about it. Oh, it's got a big vibe. I went to the original room.

What's the vibe at the laugh? I don't even really know. I'm asking sincerely. Yeah, it was just like more high-energy.

Younger kids. still locals are mostly traveling people. you get like a foreign contingent at the comedy store, you know, Sometimes people are visiting from Germany and they don't know what to do. They end up at the comedy store. I feel like the Laugh Factory was like the young hip, just younger people.

There's a lot of that there. That is a unique aspect of Stand-up man. who you're following? who follows you? that whole dynamic is very fascinating.

Yeah, it's imitating for sure, or going up at 1 30 in the morning when there's five people in the audience And they're gone. Yeah, She had a way of building the lineup and Structuring it to where you were in your career and other clubs. They're not curated. Yeah, that was just like, okay.

We got a show and there's a lineup. So you benefited, I imagine, greatly from that. I definitely felt like that was my gym. When did you start feeling? you started in 99?.

I look at seven year in tapes and I was still learning, but I just felt like okay, I'm getting my feet here.

I'm starting to hit the three-pointer a little bit more than yeah, and you're assembling. I'd imagine, a toolkit. You've got some backups and some go-to's. you assemble some tricks.

Yeah, when you first started doing stand-up, you don't want to deviate from your material. a bomb could have went off in a room. Right, I get through my seven minutes. it's just like anything else, though. It's like you start bodybuilding and you're 160 pounds.

Let's say that in that seven-year learning period, Certainly you had shows that were really good and you're right home. You're like fuck. I can't believe that happened. I hope that happens again. Now.

You could pop so you could have like a three or four minute great set and put that up and like, oh my god, This guy's hysterical. you go to a show and it's great. It takes a while to get material. the way I look at comedy is every joke has to be equal or greater Than the previous joke right, because it's like you can't have a dip off and come back up, dip off again. People are gonna go at this one.

Where did he go? Yeah, treatment like a sprint instead of a marathon?

Yeah, But then you want to smack him in the mouth, going you ready for a good time, because if you like this, I got so Much more to come that you're gonna die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you got to grab their attention, especially in this day and age. Oh my god, you gotta come out of the gate, dick out dick.

seconds away from his brain.

To get anyone to listen to an hour of anything at this point, it's hard it is, and then there's like when do I end?

When do you get offstage? the whole adage of leaving with them wanting more? But if it's 50 minutes in and you start to see a lot of people going to the bathroom, Lot of yawns. Yeah, you want to maintain? Okay, maybe I should put this chunk here.

So you got to go out and practice it. Well, let me jump to. I should have said this at the beginning, But currently you're an American record holder. You're run at Madison Square Gardens, was a record-setting event. You're one that you're doing this year, which is you're doing five shows sold out.

started In.

I'd imagine to. what must also change is your publicity commitment, like when you were on the road. I would imagine there was a period where you had to go to every radio station in town and try to sell seats, and now You're showing up. It's like you're debating whether to add a second or a third show. Yeah, that's a pretty significant.

Evolution in the experience and then even presented with. okay. I think we should go to theaters. now. I'm like theaters.

Okay, we're doing theaters. now we're adding theaters. if you're doing theaters and you're doing I don't know, however many dates, You're not making a fucking living. Yes, you're living doing comedy clubs. Sure, but now you're gonna buy a house and stuff.

Yeah, but then you run this risk if you're in theaters, right. Let's say you're going to Cleveland, Ohio on Friday, and they should you sold out 3,000. I think we could do a Saturday. Okay, I book a Saturday. Saturday sold out as soon as we put it on.

Well, also, I wonder if you're evaluating because even in our limited experience for us at a two to three thousand seat theater. It's golden. It's a great experience. It's still quite intimate. We go to this place in San Francisco.

So that's in the mix too. No, I think about that all the time. I like this comedy really supposed to be in a basketball at this scale. Yeah. Yeah.

This is perfect timing, because I had never seen stand up in an arena, and I did. on Friday in Austin, I saw Andrew Schultz for the first time. Yeah, I think McConaughey told me maybe that was like 14,000 like that. So I wasn't. it was great two huge screens and I'm in a suite with a dude.

Yeah, I think an arena. there's certain comedian that it plays well in there. Just gonna fill the room. Yeah.

Stay tuned, armchair expert, if you dare.

You.

Do you remember your very first arena show? Yeah, it was in.

Philadelphia at the Wells Fargo Center, or was Toronto one of the two?

I had a chili dog. Well here. What have I eaten? a chili dog? I had a kabuki Kabuki.

It's a scrim that comes down over the stage. so it was in the round and it was like a cylinder sheet silk. Yeah, that covers the whole stage. I'm thinking. Okay, Michael Jackson's a huge inspiration for me.

I want to go see him in concert like this, all the molesting. So he said, how do you not? Believe me Christmas?

So I'm like I want to put some production into this. So I did a thing where, up on the scrim, you would see me climbing up this ladder and I would fall off And you would say oh my god, he's in there, right? He's in there, and then the kabuki would drop and then I would be kind of just there on the center of the stage, Just to give this some feeling like we're at a show. Show business, right? And I'm sorry, a lot of this shit that's out there right now.

He's got lights. He's a gangster, comes out to hip-hop. It's a vibe. Yes, it's produced some thought into this shit.

So I just want to give the people their money's worth. now that I think about it wasn't Philadelphia.

You and just had a beautiful Philly cheesesteak, a little too much. You're up on that ladder. You're like, oh, Onions shouldn't got, shouldn't got peppers. None of that. None of that bullshit, Rocky statue.

That's where I went prior to the show. You took a say. a couple took homage.

That must have been so surreal, though.

It was surreal, but the whole thing. now to your point in regards to hey, is this sustainable? when do you put the tickets in for Madison Square Garden and They tell you one show is 30% sold? right, you know, I'm saying that's always a fear in the back of your head.

Well, look, I think and we've been talking about this ad nauseum probably makes the listener so sick of it, But what is a very interesting and very privileged? experience is to go from trying to get something and then trying to hold on to something, and it's a very Precarious in weird mental space building as you get it. Yeah, let's sell those shows out. Okay, great. If we do this.

I have a game plan how to build. Yeah, it could be compared to you build a beautiful house, right? But then there's stuff gonna go wrong with the house. Are you gonna leave the grass grow? Are you gonna let the gutters rust?

How do we keep this at the level? I love this.

I want to keep this, but I don't have any experience. I have 29 years of experience trying to build shit. So now that's built. Yeah, exactly. It's an interesting Transition and I have a sense if we don't navigate it correctly and with a lot of thoughtfulness, We will lose it.

I mean mentally. the truth is, it's harder to build and gain success. I mean, that's what most people would tell you ninety, nine point. nine percent people who don't have the thing would say that. but it's Just a weird position to be in where you got there And you like it, and then it's like oh fuck.

It's scary. This stuff's all gross to talk about out loud, but I like that. we're doing it.

I thought the building was the best part of it. going back to Gotham Comedy Club and taking pictures with the fans outside and Signing DVDs and like oh, you're from this. I wasn't even thinking about. are these people gonna come back next time?

You were taking it for what it was in the moment. Yeah, I wish I had that same.

Mentality to maintain it. It seems to be a lot more stressful now than it was ten years ago, right? Yeah, but you would think it would be, but is that just revisionist history?

It's kind of hard to really think back to how it felt then, because I'm sure it was stressful then too. I think we forget some of that.

I agree with you. But also I have said many times in here the highlight for me was the Sunday company at the groundlings, the fact that I went Out on stage on Sunday nights and the place was sold out and I was doing the fucking thing I had come to California to do, and people were laughing and people want to meet me in the lobby afterwards. That was incomprehensible.

Again, I was worried that you were failing all the time. You are deciding to take that piece out.

When you recall and I was smoking cracking ghost town in Venice. Also, by the way, I mean, it's a fair like we just.

Remember things with the very fucking strangers open. that would make you feel, But I agree with you. there's something to the process of building Very fulfilling.

Maybe there's another way to look at it to. a weird analogy would be I'm sitting on a beach over Christmas at a hotel I have no business being at, and it's the dream. and I'm there and I did it. I'm looking around and I cannot help but notice my trips to the Holiday Inn Express. People were having much more fun because they still had all this stuff They could look forward to.

That's a good point.

If you and I are sitting at the hotel pool and we go like wouldn't it be titties to have an island and some offshore race boats? We don't have that. We're gonna have to do some tricks to get that and we can fantasize about you and I Miami Vice style on a race. You know, it could be a whole thing if Elon and Bezos are sitting there like we should get yeah in two hours.

We could have that, but you know, what are those things really? They're not that fun. Yeah, but if you're at the hotel, right? You're looking around going. No one else is having fun.

It doesn't matter, and I had a great trip, but I just I could feel it.

There is a oh, we have to act a certain way. now Everybody's quiet and then you go up to somebody and no one's doing cannonballs like they're doing at the Radisson Inn on Beltway.

No one swimsuit failed them. Everyone's got a pretty new suit.

But a fight could break out.

He's including the stabbing is the fun part.

Okay,

I couldn't have done what I'm doing now, as far as the bookie or being in movies. when I was 25, 30, 35, I didn't have the confidence. now I'm confident. I could go up to Chuck Lorre now and go. I'm not feeling it, and maybe when I was 29 I would have not said anything.

It kind of explains potentially why the collaboration wasn't fun at Second City, which is. you are likely to get gobbled up.

You're right. It took me a while I needed to go out there and earn my confidence and meeting my wife 15 years ago, having a family later on in life. There's some pros and cons to that. I often look at my age. I look at my kids age and go Oh, I got a six-year-old and a four-year-old.

I'm sure you and I wrestle with the same thing, Which is, I need them to grow up the way I did. it scares me. No, it should. I don't want my kids to assume That they will have a swimming pool at their house.

Well, I think you want already, because you know that there's some people that get the kid the swimming pool and they don't let them Know. hey, not everybody's got. yeah, Every party you go to, they're gonna have what we have, and that doesn't make those people any less than us. beat it into their.

Circling back to Santa, because we should keep talking about that. all roads lead back. That's what I actually think is the most problematic thing about Santa. is that if everyone's good Yeah, if Santa's real, Why are kids that don't have as much money getting fewer presents? and why did Santa bring me ponies and you Jordans?

Exactly. You know what? You're like. I already said the Santa thing. I think we've covered it that you have some valid arguments.

Blame your daughter. white Santa spent six thousand dollars on her Christmas. Yeah, and then that boy got two scratchers.

For a comedy bit. I like that whole mindset, but I don't think any other kid other than yours. Yeah, I can figure this out. Mm-hmm. Some kids are just like you, got what I got this and they don't, Except for your kids, your kids.

You got a book. cool. I got a Power Wheels.

Naughty and nice and stuff. It's like. I guess I was naughty. I guess he was just naughty. He got a book.

Yeah, it really is. Yeah, Mike got a fucking book. I don't know what he did this year, but I do know this Santa brought him a book guys.

Listen, I don't know what Santa ever did. Do you, please will you flush this out?

I hope that God I see you do stand up one day and somehow this is all flushed. There's something Something sticky about this, isn't there?

That argument. I will make the complete opposite of my argument, because I'm going to make you guys Look like the enemy.

Hollywood.

do you feel that I think people are turning to comedy for the?

Unfiltered truth of it all. the original thing comedy did, which was bring truth to power or to challenge the status quo or to Disrupt even the jester. its inception was this goofball that would go in front of the king and have the ability to make fun of the king and no one else could. but he was so funny at doing it that they were able to bring truth to power, and I can't help but observe that there's this big swell of America going. we need y'all's voice right now.

Think people getting offended, whatnot, are just very small group of people. I'm speaking from my own experience when I go on the road. I'm seeing it firsthand that the jokes that seem to hit the hardest are the jokes that tend to kind of push back against. It's not even pushing back, It's like you used to just make fun of everything. But then now, all of a sudden, we have these parameters of what you can and cannot joke about, and I don't do a lot Of jokes that are cultural minds like family.

It is misleading by virtue of where you live. We live here. I'm ultra aware of all the stuff, but then, yeah, I'm down somewhere else and I'm like, oh, right, That's not even a thing here. No one's even talking about this definitely misleading, and even on this podcast.

I'm sure you're like, hmm. Should we air that one? That could be a cancel bull offense.

Yeah,

And before it was just like oh, that was funny, and now, all of a sudden, you've got to be a little bit more cautious about what you put out there, and, if I'm being fair, a lot of the comedy was just.

mean and Superior. there was a spirit to some of it. this pendulum was swung all these different ways, But I do think it's landed with a handful of people. I really like right now the intentions, right? The spirits right, the hearts, right, and we're gonna fucking laugh at every one of our neighbors together, because that's what we do.

Yeah, I mean there is mean-spirited comedy and you could feel it almost. Yeah, and it just it's a gut, but you don't go online.