Tiffany Haddish

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Ms. Monica Maus. Hello.

Yes, through sheer will.

Yes. Tiffany Haddish. I love Tiffany Haddish so much. She's an award-winning actor, a stand-up comedian, and a best-selling author. You love her in Girls Trip, Night School, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, Haunted Mansion, The After Party.

He's an armchair explorer.

He's an armchair explorer.

He's an armchair explorer.

Hello.

Hi.

You made it, Monica.

You have a bunch of hands. Hi, nice to meet you, Monica.

Can I sit here?

Yeah, but let's talk.

What would you, we got you a coffee. We got-. Okay, what kind of tea would you like?

Mint tea.

We have spearmint tea.

Yeah, that's the same thing.

That's the thing.

That's Monica's favorite. You ever see these?

Oh, yeah.

With the dates and stuff.

Yeah, they're good.

I'm not really hungry.

Can I put them next to you? Did you change your mind? I'm kind of worried about you. You are? Yes, of course.

Well, you're a trooper. I gotta say, I think I would have been like, I'm rescheduled.

I should probably offer to just come back tomorrow.

But I can't, I don't have time tomorrow. Well, then you gotta come. When it cars spinned around, I was like, if this thing flips over.

What do we do next?

How am I gonna flip this myself?

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

And then I was just like.

God. I'm glad you're okay.

I'm fine.

Do you have one of those seatbelt cutters? slash-.

Window smashers?

No, I don't have that.

You need to get that. I just got one.

I don't get in car accidents often.

Yeah, you've been driving this car for six years. This was your first.

Yeah. The worst in that car is maybe backing up into a yellow pole.

Yeah, sure.

That happens. Like, or the Beverly Hills Hotel, when you come out that parking structure.

Oh.

Is that the Beverly Hills Hotel right there?

where the Grammy parties be at?

Yes, but when you were saying that, I have to admit, I was picturing Chateau, which is a disaster.

Oh, that one sucks.

Have you ever pulled into the Chateau?

No, I don't even mess around pulling in over there. It's so scary. Yeah.

You're better off just leaving it on sunset and walking up the hill.

Yeah, that's mostly what I do.

I park at the lab factory and walk down the hill.

That's clever.

So it's 138 days.

That's a long fucking time.

And that interview that I did, I think it was in January. So then it came out the beginning of February or something like that. And I think I said it's been like 49 days or something like that.

Okay, okay.

So whenever that was.

So what's interesting, though, is you chose to do that then, right before the holidays.

Yeah, it was like November something.

Is that mega for you? I'm an addict, so that's a long time.

I don't think I'm an addict, which is shocking. I'm maybe a workaholic. Here goes my things that I'm addicted to.

Give me your isms.

I'm a workaholic. I am a laughaholic. That's a good one. I need to hear laughs. I need to be laughing.

They do have the best laugh.

The best laughs in the world is contagious.

It's the realest.

So I try to not eat meat for like 30 days and I was doing good and then I'm definitely addicted to meat and it's definitely chicken I gotta fucking have and pastrami. I love pastrami.

Have you gone to Langer's?

Yes, I've been to Langer's. That's in New York.

Right by MacArthur Park.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's like 85 years old.

Yes, yes, yes.

Because if you had not been there.

And they put the juice on there and all that.

That would be the first hang we would have is Langer's. And it's time travel, because everyone in there is 85 years old and it looks like 1972 in there and you feel like you time warped. Okay, pastrami, chicken. Candy, you like candy.

I do like candy, but only around this time.

That's not an ism, because you're about to have your period.

Right now, I could go for some sour sticks or the sour.

Sour straws.

Sour powers, sour powers. Sour powers. The sour power strips. Okay.

I don't know about this.

You don't know about the sour power strips? No. That you used to have to buy at the liquor store back in the day? You can get three for 25 cents. But I like that with pickle.

You're wild.

Around this time. Or dip the pickle in Kool-Aid. Like a real good dill pickle, and you dip it in Kool-Aid powder. Oh my lord. My, mm.

That's one of the weirdest things.

One day I'm gonna invite you to my house and you try it. You're gonna be like, this is fucking dope. If you like sweet and sour.

Well, I like sour. I'm more of a savory. Like the chicken, yeah. I would never, I say that, but I was vegan for a year. But I would never again try to quit meat.

I don't think we are. You know.

No, we are.

I don't think we are.

Okay, let's have our first bite.

Okay, let's do it. By the way, our teeth are shaped. I don't think we are.

You know why?

Can we pause for just a second?

Yeah. We can pause, however.

Well, we're gonna resume this because I got a knockout punch to that retort. Good afternoon, is Tiffany there?

This is her.

Hi, Tiffany. Good afternoon. I had a service order for your Tesla.

Yes.

Are you at a safe location?

Yes, I'm in a safe location. My sister Tuesday is with the car right now because I had to be at work. Okay, it's gonna be about 60 minutes. Good Lord!

Why 60 minutes? Do you know how famous I am?

Oh, I'm so sorry, dear.

It's all good. Can I pat you in with my sister? Sure. Okay, so she can know too.

Whose name is the membership under you?

My name, Tiffany Haddish.

Okay, you wanna send me your membership card of this number?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll send you my membership card tonight. What's your name?

My name is Mike.

Mike, are you gonna be the one picking up the car, Mike?

No, it's gonna be a driver.

You gonna tell me who that is?

I'm gonna see which driver gets free and I'll let you know. Most likely it's gonna be either Carlos or David.

Carlos or David?

Send Carlos.

No, send David. I like the name David.

No, David's lazy.

No, David's not lazy. David is a good, strong name.

No, get Carlos on there.

He's a hater.

And are you a AAA insurance also?

No.

What insurance are you? State Farm.

Yeah, we're not allowed to say that on this show.

We'll cut it out, we'll cut it out.

I'm actually doing a podcast at the same exact time. I'm at work.

One second, I'm so sorry.

Don't say State Farm, we gotta.

I don't even know the name of the number.

I gotta lock the number in to send. I'm gonna do this, copy that. Then I'm gonna do this.

Make this move.

I'm gonna do this. And then...

Oh, don't do that.

Oh, I gotta do this. And then I'm gonna do this. And then I'm gonna do that. And then, bam. Don't be giving out my personal information.

You haven't given any yet. I'm sure Mike is panicked right now.

Hello, the tow truck guy, he told me to hold on for a second. I wanted to merge him with you. Either David or Carlos is coming. He said it's gonna be 60 minutes. 60 minutes?

But Liz told me at 345.

That's what they had told her, but then he just called me and said 60 minutes, because he don't know. Is that Tuesday? Yeah, it's Tuesday. Hey. Dax said, hey.

But he don't know if- I just met Tuesday.

If it's gonna be Carlos or David, that's gonna be available. So, then he done hung up on me. now. I'm gonna send you his phone number so you can call him. Yeah, all right.

We can be done with the show now. That was perfect.

Talk about privilege.

Shoot, I'll be back to my car before they even get to me. Exactly. Be like, you know what, Dax? Just drop me off where you pick my ass up at. I will handle this.

Okay, you want me to tell you why our teeth aren't resembling those of other omnivores?

Yes, because that's where I was about to go with it, with the teeth. Cooking.

We have been cooking meat for two and a half million years. So, we didn't need to have those teeth. and those teeth are expensive. You have to dedicate a lot of nutrients and growth to them. So, we don't have anything extra.

So, our teeth have genetically modified, is what you're saying, because we've been cooking meat.

Yeah, in the archeological record, we know 100% humans have been eating meat forever. You're not buying it. I gotta tell her.

I think humans eat bugs.

Sure, they eat bugs.

Which is a meat. I think humans should be eating more vegetables. I feel like my teeth, okay? I don't know how your teeth is, white man, but my teeth like eating vegetables better than meat. But the way my intestines work, the way that the bacteria is set up in my body, the parasites in my body, likes fried chicken and likes baked chicken.

Oil's popping out the side.

And I just wanna lick the skin when it's all crisp and everything.

We know, we know.

I don't like blood. I do like red meat, but mostly just beef.

Where are you at on steak?

Well done. I don't want it to look like it's on his period at all. If I cut into it and anything pink come out, I don't want it. You're out. I'm done.

Hard and not red.

Should we let people in on what has happened?

I think they might've been able to reverse engineer what happened, but poor Tiffany was en route to the attic and got into an accident and was spun around violently. And we don't know one another, despite you think might've met at an NFL event. But putting that aside, I don't think we know each other. So I said, I'll come pick you up.

I think we actually met. I wanted to say, but then I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I think we was in jail together.

Okay, well, that's a lot more likely than us being at an NFL event. Yeah, I think I seen you,

or I really wanna say I seen you at this dope dealer's house that I used to date, but I don't know.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh shit, that's probably true.

That also is true.

That's what I really wanna say, but I don't wanna put you on blast. But since you said you was at attic, I said, fuck it.

Oh yeah, we go. Yeah.

Listen, you know where we may have met. actually? Is at a Casa event. Have you been to Casa? Yes, that's exactly where I was.

And I performed at it. Yes. It was in the beginning, right? When Girl Strip took off.

Yep, and you told your story. Mm-hmm. That's what was weird. That actually solves everything, because, going into researching you, I don't know your story, but for some reason I knew it. Why do I know?

It was the Casa event.

Very different from an NFL event.

And we kissed in the mouth.

Yes, we did. I said, please don't tell my wife. And you said, I will never tell anyone until I'm on your podcast.

Yeah, and then I kissed your wife in the mouth. Yeah. And we saved so many foster kids. Yes, so many lives.

Okay, so you were in a car accident. I went and picked you up. There was an incredibly handsome guy, Justin, helping. When you show up at an accident, like I just did, there's so many people around and I'm trying to figure out who's she with? Was she in the car with anyone?

I was by myself.

Who's this handsome guy? There's some fans. It's a different experience when you're famous and you get in a car accident.

I was trying to decide if I was gonna act like I was fucked up.

For them.

Yeah, when the car spun around, I was sitting there, I was trembling a little bit and I was like, where did my phone go? Cause it flew out of the holder and it hit me in the arm and the leg and I was like, where's the phone? And then I picked the phone up off the floor and then I was like, let me try to get the car out of the middle of the road, and thank God nobody was coming from the other direction.

You got knocked into oncoming traffic and thankfully there was no traffic.

And so I tried to push the car over. It did not want to go. I was like, come on, come on, Tiffnicity, you can do it.

Get over there to the side of the road, girl.

And I pushed it over and you hear the car go.

Yeah.

It fought. There was a big, long rubber mark where you had driven it down the road with three wheels.

And if you paid attention, you could see the spin in the middle. And I didn't step on the brake either, cause you know they say don't pound on the brake.

During a crash?

Take your feet off.

You had the wherewithal during that to go like, I want a break, but I'm not gonna break. I find that hard to believe.

You think I broke?

Feet all the way up. I cut my leg.

Ah, shit, they hit me.

Drug drivers always live cause they're loose.

Bug, bug, bug, big bug.

Okay, so you had a moment, though, where you were thinking about acting super injured?

Yeah, yeah, so my first thought was, jump out this car, cut these motherfuckers out. Right. That was my first thought. You motherfuckers, you didn't hear me honking at you? How do you stop?

You're forgetting that he knows you from television?

I'm just wondering, do I know him? Okay. And he kept saying, are you all right? Are you good? And I rolled the window down and I said, I guess, maybe.

That's good, noncommittal. Now you can go either way.

I'm trembling though. So I'm like, okay, trembling is good. You're releasing trauma. And I'm like, should I get out of this car limping? Do I even want to limp?

Punishing them, really.

Yeah, well, I'm just building them. I'm trying to melt the cellulite in the fascia. And I'm like, do you want to do this? And then I'm like, no, I always operate out of honesty and truth. It's a lot of adrenaline rushing.

Very handsome.

And I'm like, I know, I know him. I just don't know why. I know him. And then he walks over to the window. He goes, you, okay?

Okay, right, right, right, right. Again, he was inordinately handsome to be helping on this. It seemed like it was cast in a movie. It's a meet cute. Oh, a meet cute.

He's 52?

Did you miss all that?

Yeah, I missed all of that. When I saw him, I did gush a little bit. And not from my face or anything. Like, a little blood came out.

Oh, okay.

My ovaries are starting.

My ovaries churned.

Okay. No, not about to, it started. Oh, it started. It started this morning. And I woke up in the blood.

Yeah. The fuck?

On day one?

I know. The devil is too busy.

Take a vacation.

And then I turned around and looked back at the guy and say, it's just a car. Are you okay?

Right, you got your senses. That's nice. Yeah, you let off a little steam.

You jumped a lot of hurdles to get to a nice place.

Because if this was 2003,, if it was 1998, I might've pulled a bat out and be like, I'm gonna fuck your ass up, fucking up my car that Tyler Perry gave me, but I didn't do that.

Yeah. You wouldn't have had insurance. You would've had a whole host of other problems in 98.. In the Geo Metro?

I had insurance.

Oh, my shit was constantly uninsured.

Oh no, my shit was insured.

It was $12.

It was a 1995 Geo Metro. That shit was not that expensive.

I had a Metro as well. Yeah. So dependable. Do you at all regret letting it go? I feel like you should have kept it, just so you could look at it every now and then.

I know where it's at. It don't work, though. Can we get it? We could get it and restore it.

I'm being sincere, because I let my Honda Civic go. That little car got me everywhere and I was broke. And I'm like, I need to bring that little guy up.

I had over a million miles on it.

No, you should have been in a commercial with it.

Over a million miles.

God bless the Geo Metro.

It was like a million five.

We gotta get that car.

I know exactly where it's at.

Every now and then, you should go out and sit in it and then like really internalize where you're at.

I should sit in it and cry. It used to be my cry space.

After you already made it? Mm-hmm. Over what generally? Any old thing or the same thing?

Usually the first day of my period. Usually first day of my period, something crazy happens.

We caught you on a hell of a day.

Yeah, you did.

Day one of the period.

It was supposed to start two more days, but I guess that eclipse fucked my shit up. It did. Threw my cycle off.

Did that throw things off for you?

Oh yeah, it messes everyone's periods up. Are you a water sign?

No, I'm a fire sign.

Oh, I can see that.

What does that mean? Oh, I know your birthday. You're December 3rd.

Uh-huh, 1909, you fucking bitch. There you go. Yeah, no, 1970..

79, I'm 75.

Yeah, I've been through a lot of shit.

And do you find that you're pretty calm when shit's going sideways?

Yeah, from what I remember from therapy and all the classes I've taken over the years, you're not supposed to react to things, you respond. First sign of mental illness is when you react to situations as opposed to responding to them.

Right, you hopping out of the car screaming would be a reaction.

And that's a mental illness.

Yeah, and that would have been my very first desire, to get out and defend myself, basically.

Yeah, but he didn't jump out of the car coming at me aggressively. They didn't like try to pull off and leave.

But you were doing your thing, and another human being that you have no control over changed the course of your day. And for me, it means more than just that thing. It's back to a million times. I thought I was just doing my day and other motherfuckers changed the course of my day. So it goes straight back to a feeling that's not even a car accident.

Right. Is the side of my face swollen right now?

No. Do you feel it?

Do you feel it expanding?

Can I tell you what you're gonna feel tomorrow? It's not gonna be your butt or your back.

It hurts. It does?

Maybe the phone hit my face too.

Oh shit, do you want, ice? We could get you some.

Do you wanna go home?

No.

I'll drive you home.

No, cause I'm just gonna sit around and cry.

Okay, well then stay here. But you know what's gonna hurt tomorrow? Which doesn't hurt at all right now. I've been with you now for 45 minutes and you've listed a bunch of different things. Your back hurt, but then that might be your period, you decided.

Yeah, I decided that's my cycle.

Tomorrow morning you're gonna go, oh, my neck is sore. Because you got hit from the side and you spun. What really happened that you have no memory of? is your head went like that. There's just no way it didn't.

And maybe my head hit my shoulder really hard.

That could have happened, yeah.

I think Rob's probably going to get you ice. Oh, okay.

Cause, the side of my face hurts.

Let's get to this right now.

It sucks. It's throbbing.

Do you hate the idea of someone getting you ice?

A little bit. When you said he's gonna get you ice, I kinda was like.

No.

I didn't wanna say like, don't do that. But you know what, I'll probably need it.

Yeah, that's another hurdle.

One of my things. I wrote down.

You figured it out? Well. I don't like people doing shit for me. I hate surprises.

Also, you don't wanna be pitied.

No, I hate that.

This is the sentence I read, where I was like, okay, I know you. You had an eighth miscarriage and you didn't wanna tell any of your friends because you didn't want them calling you. Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

People gonna try to take advantage of you regardless. That's not it.

But if someone was to feel bad for you, what would that mean?

That I can't heal.

That you're weak. No?

I don't wanna even say that word. Why you say that word?

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, it's not true.

It doesn't mean you're weak.

I know it doesn't mean I'm weak, but they treat you that way. Do you have a charger in here just in case my phone dies at some point?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That'll be another thing we'll send around for.

Yeah, we'll send him a disk.

He's gonna be busy. We've all been busy. I've never picked a guest up. This is kind of fun and novel for me.

And I'm not going home in an Uber because they kidnap people. No, no, I'll take you home. Okay, cool, thanks.

I'll take you out to dinner. Some fried chicken. You don't have to take me out to dinner. Chicken!

I mean, if it's Popeye's.

We'll hit Langer's.

You called on your own, which I do wanna tell people, because most people in your situation, who are famous, who get in a car accident, are coming to a podcast. One would probably just forget. The podcast, who cares? Second group would tell their publicist, hey, I got in a car accident. I obviously can't go to this thing.

Because I knew they wouldn't call you guys.

But that's so nice.

Did anybody call you guys?

You did, but I do think the assistant texted or called or something. But also, you called, you said specifically, hey, I got in this car accident, and I'll still do it. And I was overhearing this like, are you kidding me?

I'm not bleeding, I'm not broken. I can still talk and communicate. And if something happens, if I do have a concussion, or I do have internal bleeding going on besides my regular normal bleeding, can you get me a charger as well, love? Thank you so much. iPhone, yes, thank you.

Well, there's two different kind of charge ones. You have the newest one with the new charger thing, or the conventional?

Probably this one.

This is conventional. Here, you can take the whole thing. It's a little heavy. It's for weight lifting.

It's to build my booty. I do squats with that phone.

Oh, that feels so good right now.

Maybe he did hit your face.

It seems like he did.

Okay, we shouldn't eat meat. Okay.

If you had a concussion, we would be here to then take you to the hospital, I guess.

Oh my God, I hate going to the hospital. Yeah. Can we just do hospital stuff here?

Dax would love to perform surgeries. We gotta start with just a general physical to assess where you're at.

No pap smearing, not putting a finger in my booty.

Where were we at before he handed me the ice pack?

I was talking about how much I hate. if anyone thinks I'm weak. If you assess me as weak, then you'll be confident enough to try to take advantage of me.

But people try to take advantage anyways.

People prey on people that they think are vulnerable.

Is that why you're so muscular and buff? Yeah. You even walk, your posture is like, oh, Donkey Kong punched you in the head.

Yeah, that's all from that. That's stepdads that were violent and boys that were violent and all that stuff. And I'm sending a message to the world. The tattoos, everything's transparent. Move on to someone else.

Yeah, this is not the one.

That's all I need you to know. I'll fight back. There's someone else that won't. Pick them.

I'll fight back too. And I'll enjoy it. That's the problem. That's what I'm working on.

We would be the worst couple of all time.

Let me tell you something about me and relationships. I do not argue with men. Now. I may say some smart ass, shit that's gonna piss you off, but I will not yell and scream with you. If you're yelling and screaming at me.

Two people in a relationship, neither can be soft, weak, and vulnerable. That's a recipe for.

One has to be. And I will be, but I will say the slickest, most fucked up shit. that's gonna hit your soul. And it's gonna hit you on the inside.

Two days later.

You'll be like, oh, fuck.

I just heard what she said. Yeah. I didn't do the math. That was evil.

She penetrated my spirit with that one.

What's the longest you've been with a guy?

Five years.

Well, you were married. Was that your longest?

I guess, yeah. Do fuck buddies count? No. No, okay, then five years.

And that's with the ex-husband?

Yeah.

Since then, what's the longest?

Two years.

Do you have a pattern that you've noticed that generally spells the end?

Yeah, usually at the nine month mark.

Do you start losing interest at the nine month mark?

Especially if he's never taken me anywhere. No trips, no, nothing. Cause I don't like surprises. I'm not super big on gifts, but I like adventure. So that's quality time.

You want to connect physically with the person you love.

Look in my eyes when you're talking to me. Let me know that you hear me. I like kind words. I'm easy. Cheap as fuck.

You heard it here.

That's a good playbook for any dude who wants to take Tiffany out.

That's right.

Acts of service, man. That's hot.

So acts of service is interesting. That's what my wife's love language is.

It's a lot of women's love language.

Yeah, I think that they want to receive that. I'm verbal affirmation. I want to hear.

Good words.

I want to be told that you like me. Too much, probably.

You had vaginal dryness?

That is a common side effect.

I couldn't even get a.

It's just dust, it's the sun.

Do you see, Dune? It was shot in my pussy when I was on Paxil. I made a ton of money on location rental.

Hilarious.

But what I felt and I learned the term of while I was on it was blunting or bunting. Whereas, like I was sitting on a river in North Carolina that I have sat at many, many times and I know how it's supposed to smell and I know how it's supposed to feel. And I'm like, where did it all go? And then I went off of it a couple of years ago and my current therapist, he's like, yeah, that makes total sense. You are an arousal person.

I like what I see. Kind of like a little chaos. My bedroom proves that. It's a mess. So many things, so many knickknacks, so many clothes.

Yeah, while he's folding.

Look at, you made this space on the bed for you. This is your space and I'm gonna suck your dick for that. Cause I will wash the clothes.

But you don't want to hang them there.

I will pour them on a guest bed. I'll pour them on my bed first. And then I like to snuggle up to them. They smell so good. Yeah, I warm his stuff and I'll take a nap in them.

Roll around in them. Like a kitten.

I do roll around in them.

Then I will fold them eventually. They're like your babies. And put them in their space. And then I never put them away. I just start getting dressed right from the bed.

Monica's got a very similar relationship with her. And she loves clothes and she buys so many clothes. I love clothes.

I do also just throw them all over the place. But it's interesting. Cause I was just talking to my friend about this, who has a very chaotic mind. She is all over the place. She has ADHD and her space is very clean.

Counterintuitive.

Yes, it was almost like I can live in a messy space because my brain.

It won't overwhelm you.

It won't overwhelm me. Yeah. And hers is the opposite.

I relate to her. I have anxiety from how much shit is crooked and out of place.

But I feel comfortable in clutter a little bit. I feel snuggly. Cozy. Yeah, cozy. We got it.

And I'm also always single. And I do wonder if it is a little bit that where it's like lived in.

Yeah, cause I don't want to let them in my space. Look, let me tell you something. A man hasn't been in my bedroom since 2017..

Okay.

Okay, a man hasn't been in my bed, the bed that I like to sleep in since 2017.

Cause you're not letting anyone into that space.

It's my space. It's my den. I get so mad when something breaks in the bathroom. I'm like, let me figure out how to fix it myself. And if I can't fix it myself, then I'm like, okay, let me organize my room.

It's your nest.

Yeah, my nest.

Can we start at the beginning a little bit?

Yeah.

Born in South Central, but moved out to San Bernardino County. What age?

When I was six or seven.

Okay. There's a lot of parallels. Geo Metro, SMC. So dad leaves at three. By the way, he's from a country I'd never heard of.

Eritrea, right next to Ethiopia.

Have you ever heard of Eritrea?

No, but I'm not very good at geography.

I was like, there can't be a country I'd never heard the name of until today.

It's only 32 years old. now, I think maybe. Oh wow.

Okay, so that helps. It was part of Ethiopia. How did mom meet him?

She was banking at Founders Bank, Buckingham and Martin Luther King. He was working at the gas station across the street. He was sitting on a bus stop. She thought he was a guy that she had met at a convention and told him to get in the car.

She's like, I'll give you a ride. I know you from the convention.

What are you doing on the bus? stop? Get in the car. Where are you going? Get in the car, get in the car.

He probably thought he was about to get molested.

And then he starts talking.

She's like, wait a minute. You're not who I thought you were.

Because he has a thick accent.

Yeah, and he had a shirt on. that said Michael, and the guy that she met, his name was Michael. Michael's, not his actual name. That was the shirt they had at the gas station.

So how long were they together?

For about four years. Within six months of them meeting, she was pregnant with me.

He was fertile.

Yeah, but she lost her virginity to him.

Oh, she, did? How old was she?

That's what she said. Sure. 21..

Nope. Well, now maybe.

Maybe. She was a travel witness. And she said she only was with him. and then my stepdad are the only two men she's ever been with. We try to catch her slipping up, like get her to tell stories.

So he leaves, do we know why?

Yeah, because he was selling green cards illegally and he was on the run ever since for like 27 years.

Until he was found for your wedding.

So my ex-husband, I met him on a cruise and I thought he was too old for me and kind of gross from the telephone conversations, right? And then I had changed my number. Cut to. years go by and I'm on Who's Got Jokes. He sees me on Who's Got Jokes and he starts looking for me.

Yeah, whatever it takes.

And so then he said, well, if I find your dad, I want you to marry me. I laughed super hard and said, sure, okay, whatever. You're not gonna find him, because I ain't found him all this time. And then, over the course of three weeks, he was getting in my head. I was 26 at the time.

How old was he?

38.

Wow, that's a move.

There was a dude that knew my dad, that called me and talked to me first. And then that dude gave my dad the phone number and then my dad called me.

Did you have a lot of resentment?

I wanted to resent him so bad. I was planning, when I first see him, I'm gonna kick him in the balls. Why you didn't take care of me? Why would you abandon me? Every man in my life has abandoned me and left me.

I got this fucking pattern you gave me now.

I wanted to be so mean to him, but as soon as I heard his voice, it's like my whole soul knew. All that went away and I was just so happy to hear his voice. The little girl in me is like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. It felt so good. That was a good hide.

Isn't it fucking wild how we're linked like that? because we're half of them, and it's just what it is?

Yeah. Biology.