Rachel Bilson: From People Pleasing to Knowing Your Worth (FBF) [VIDEO]
2024-02-23 00:40:38
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Hello, daddy gang, welcome to flashback Friday for call her daddy. This is something I started to decide to do because I recognize that call her daddy, for three years almost, has been exclusive to Spotify, and now call her daddy is officially available on all podcasts platforms. So some of you may have missed some episodes while I was exclusive. this week. I am re-releasing one of my favorite episodes from the past three years with Rachel Bilson.
I saw so many of you absolutely loving the Misha Barton episode this week on call her daddy. And so many of you actually DM me being like, Oh my gosh, please have Rachel Bilson on next. I'm such an OC lover. Well, daddy gang, lucky for you, little did you know, apparently I did have Rachel Bilson on. So we are having an OC week.
Also, if you have never watched the OC, I highly recommend it is one of my all time favorite television shows. Daddy gang. I hope you enjoy this episode with Rachel Bilson. I just remember Rachel was such an incredible human being. Her energy was infectious and it was just an all around great episode where we talk about the OC and relationships and sex and dating.
So, daddy gang, enjoy.
What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper.
We call her daddy.
Rachel Bilson. Welcome to call her daddy. Thank you so much for having me. I am a big fan of early 2000s TV shows and, not to freak you out, but I am the biggest OC fan. Maybe not ever, but like, I still watch it to this day.
You know, those shows, you go back and like rewatch a little. The OC, always through and through to the core. Love it. That's so awesome.
So I'm happy to have you on today. Very fun. Thank you. I'm flattered.
For my problematic listeners, you know who you are. If you've never watched the OC, you have to watch it to give them like a little background. It's basically these rich kids living in Orange County, California. Yeah. Drugs, sex, relationships, family drama, all the things.
And you're doing a rewatch podcast. Yes. Yes. Which is amazing. Oh, thanks.
What is it like going back to relive the OC phenomenon? Oh, my God.
So it's so interesting. I was 21 when I did the show and it was my first real big job. I'm watching it back. Honestly, the first few episodes, I had such an emotional reaction. I got like depressed.
I was like, Oh my God. Cause it's like 20 years later, basically. Right. And I'm like so much life has happened. What did I do?
What did I do?
Like when, and when you say, what did I do? Like, do you mean like in terms of like the show or just like, just life, just life. You're just like, it's just more like,
you're basically playing back the last 20 years ish of your life. And you're like, it's all just going through your mind as I'm watching this. Cause I'm like looking at this like little, like pudgy face, like 21 year old, with like a lot of bronzer on and like questionable clothing, which is coming back, which is also very confusing. But like, I'm watching it, just going like, Oh shit. You know?
And my boyfriend at the time was on the show with me. And so it brings up all that about life behind the scenes.
When you're that young and you're on a show and you're dating someone on the show and you're like the it girl on the show, everyone's obsessed with you. But then you're saying like, I'm looking back and like that was still me as a young woman. Like, and I'm watching back. So there's like emotions for you. And then for sure.
Yeah. And then everyone still wants to talk about it all the time to you, which? how does that feel?
Well, you know what? I will say. I wasn't like Misha Barton, was obviously like the it girl and she was 16 years old and I can't even imagine what that would have been like to be 16 with that kind of attention and every magazine cover. Like, I still had a lot of anonymity in, like my own life and my boyfriend, and we were very domesticated and kind of like grandparents at the time. Like we were like old people, like newspaper in the morning, same breakfast every morning.
Like it was really,
we see. you guys were like the couple on the show. I guess you're,
I guess you're right. But Josh Schwartz, the creator, would always take, you know, things from your own life and incorporate it into the, into the show. Like golden girls, huge golden girls fan. He put it in the show. We sing the theme song.
So there were so much, you had to be careful around Schwartz, like what you said or did.
Cause he's like, that's the next week's episode. Absolutely. What is like the most common question you're asked about your time working on the OC?
I mean a lot of it was just like, what was it like, you know, getting that much attention that quickly and working together, and how was everyone on set? I know there's been like mixed things out there. We had a great time. We had a lot of fun in general, together, personalities hanging out. Um, but yeah, a lot of the things were like, how did it feel to have that much success that quickly?
It is kind of a unfathomable feeling at that age. Like I know what I was doing at 21.. It was not that. I was drinking in college, being a full degenerate, having sex and making bad decisions in my life.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I did that just earlier.
Still on a, on like kind of a pedestal of people watching you. And so I'm interested to know, like when the OC became popular, how did it affect you, your family, your friends?
Well, you know, like I said, because I was in a relationship, I was definitely on a different track and going through it together. So having that support really made the difference.
Okay. So, to anyone that hasn't watched, or the OC stans that are just like, just say the name, Summer Roberts, your character was hot, popular, rich. She was the it girl. And then she starts basically getting into a relationship with Seth Cohen, who was played by Adam Brody. And so you have an on-screen relationship and then you start an off-screen relationship.
When was the moment you knew you had feelings for him?
Oh, my God. It's so funny. I feel like on screen was kind of playing off screen because in the beginning, there was a triangle between another character, Anna Stern, played by Samira Armstrong and then, and myself and Seth. And I felt like it kind of played into real life, a little bit. Like Samira and I were both like, wait a minute.
And I'm like, I like Adam. No, I like Adam. And like, it kind of was happening off screen. And you know that, that competitive side of you, like with a guy and you're like, no, no, no, no. Like, hold on.
Um, it was like, I don't know if that heightened it. I obviously thought Brody was super cool. I knew him before the show. A friend of ours had dated him. actually.
I know. So we knew him a little bit and he was hilarious. Right. And I'm a sucker for a sense of humor. Like, absolutely.
I mean, that is my weakness.
So was there like a moment on set that immediately you were like, I'm going to go for this?
I remember standing in the hallway. Okay. I don't remember anything. And the fact that I remember this is kind of insane. I was standing in the hallway and I was dating someone else at the time.
And Brody like talked to me about the relationship and gave me advice on why I shouldn't be in it. And it was like this moment of like, Oh, I, I want to be with you, you know? And it was like this, this pivotal moment. And there was like a Halloween party. I think it was a Halloween party and he kissed me for the first time, and that was it.
Like. it was like, okay.
And that was off camera. That was like that kiss. you're saying off camera. I'm like, wait, was it Seth and Summer?
The first time he kissed me on screen. I think that was like the first time. Like, Oh, is there something here? Right. But that can be confusing.
You know, if you're doing a show or a movie and that happens, sometimes, you get confused. Like, Oh, do I really like feel this way? Am I feeling something or is it just,
is it true? I've heard from actors, like you can tell a little bit if someone's more into you, because there's like an appropriate way to kiss a co-star. There's no tongue in television. Okay.
If someone tongues you, you're going to be like, Oh, either like, Oh, no. Or like, Oh, wait a minute. Oh yes. No, I'm just kidding.
You guys ever do tongue on camera? No, no, no, no. Okay, wait.
So that's really fun.
And then, do you have any advice for someone who is newly dating someone in?
their work environment? Oh, my God. Oh, advice. You know, it sounds like I should probably be a pro with my track record. Um, I think that just be friends first, because I think that'll help, because usually it ends, sometimes.
I, you know what?
I love you being realistic about it. We love the realistic side.
I'm very real like to a fault. Yeah.
So when you're on set, was there ever an instance where dating someone you're working with, like? was there ever something that was like hard about that aspect? Um,
when we broke up, like that's the harder, I don't, you know, and then we both dated other people on the show while we were together in real life. So sometimes you can be a little jealous. I mean,
we dated people on the show for your characters or the characters. I was like, wait,
like. he was like kissing Olivia Wilde and like, of course, I'm going to be like, well, fuck, you know, but I also get it. Like, can I kiss her? Like when you guys broke up? No, we were together.
We were together. While that was happening. That would be a hard one. That's a hard one. Right?
Wild walks in. Yeah. You're like, and so cool. And she's the coolest person in real life too. So you're like, well, I love her.
And you're like, wait a minute, your boyfriend's kissing her, and then it can be confusing. Yeah. It's just that kind of stuff, but that's normal.
So how long did you guys date for? I think like three years. And was that three seasons? Yeah. We dated pretty much the whole show.
It was such a huge show that blew up and everyone was obsessed with you guys. Like the four people that were, like the main kids on the show. and to have you being able to have a relationship with someone, to be your rock and your go-to person, while, like your, life is kind of changing before your eyes. That's a, I'm sure, like a bond you guys will always have. And like, yeah,
yeah. And even reconnecting with him, I spoke to him. He came on the OC podcast. Yeah, it was great. I love seeing him.
Anytime. I see him, nothing but fond, like loving feelings and great memories. So fun. Yes. Okay.
Your character, you were so lovable. I'm wondering, how was your personal, like real life, Rachel Bilson, high school experience compared to the OC? Oh man. Um,
school for me, I wasn't so much like an academic, I would say. I just, it just didn't interest me. It's not like I couldn't do it. If I sat down and really studied and focused, I could do it. But my interests were like all over the place.
And growing up in LA, I think I grew up a little young, like at 15, my friends and I and Olivia was here with me. Like we'd be getting into the clubs, like doing, you know,
that's just what life is like. Um, that sounds like Summer Roberts.
I mean a little bit, a little bit.
I still remember exactly what I was wearing, where I was, the time of day, who I was with for the season three finale. Oh, like, I've never, and I still have not recovered from it. I haven't, I don't, I mean,
spoil alert. You know who hasn't? Marissa.
To anyone that hasn't watched the show, pause and go watch it. Please. Spoiler alert. The main character dies. Yep.
Tragically.
Like the most tragic. Like fuck you, Volchak. Okay. But he was so hot. Oh my God.
He was so hot. Olivia dated him. Sorry.
Wait, you've dated him? Oh my God. Absolutely. As you say, we have someone in the audience, and God bless you, because I had his like poster, this guy, uh, Cam Gajande. Is that how you say his name?
Gajande. Gajande. Yeah. Okay. Well, I was obsessed with him.
Anyways, Marissa dies. Yep. Misha Barton's character. Yep. What was your reaction when you learned that Misha's character was getting killed?
off the show? It was very traumatic. Everyone felt it. It was, it was so somber on set and you really, because you're a family and it is like a family member, is leaving or dying, and it was brutal. Um, I mean still I can picture it in my mind, and it's, it's just, it was traumatizing.
Literally. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't remember like behind the scenes, really like the last time she was on set or anything like that, but it was definitely a dark time.
Did you talk to Misha about her decision to leave the show?
I don't think I ever had a personal conversation like, why are you leaving? I think it was a joint decision. I don't think it was like her decision, like I'm going to leave, or Josh and Stephanie's decision to be like, we're getting, you know, you're, you're being killed off because, whatever, you know, I, I don't know what really happened behind the scenes. as far as like who made the actual decision. I think that Josh felt like a lot of her storylines had run through.
I mean, what else could you put the girl through? She literally like overdoses, shoot someone, you know, I mean every possible storyline was done with that character.
You're right. And it didn't seem fitting for her to like go. I think it was like she was going to go work on her dad's boat or something. It was like, that's not, Marissa's, not going to work on a boat. Like she's going to passion week.
Right. How did the cast dynamic change for season four?
Towards the end, I started to work on something else at the same time, simultaneously. So I was so distracted that I wasn't really in it all the time presently. So I wasn't feeling all the things.
And you had broken up with Adam at the time towards the end. Okay. So I guess it kind of felt probably like time to move on. Like by season four.
Yeah. Especially like working on another project, and it was a film feeling like, okay, like let's, this is ending, like what's happening. What's next.
We are both the daughters of therapists, but in your case you were raised by a sex therapist.
Yeah. So my mom's always like, I'm not a sex therapist. I'm more like a sex counselor and whatever. The woman will talk about sex to your blue in the face. Like as a daughter, like I know your mom's a therapist.
Yeah. But just like really coming with it. No problem. I'm like, I remember going on the Wendy Williams show and I think I used cunnilingus, and like they had to bleep it out. I'm like, is that a bad word?
Like what did I say? You know, cause my mom's always like cunnilingus and you know, like all the proper terms and right. And you're like, that's what I grew up around. Isn't that what it's called? Oh, sorry.
Eating, eating me out. Like what, you know, I'm like, was that,
would that have been better? Wendy? I totally get it. I, that's, I think, fascinating where, when you grow up, usually you're hiding everything from your parents. You're like, I don't even want them to know.
And to be raised by a sex counselor or therapist, how do you think, having your mom have that profession impact the way you handled relationships growing up?
You know, it was always like a very open household, like nudity, like all of it, you know? So, feeling like really comfortable in your skin, which was great. And talking about it all, like the night I lost my virginity, I was very young. Um, and my mom the next day, sitting me down and being like, let's talk about sex. I'm like, how did you fucking know?
Like, how do you know these things? Like, you know, it was just like that all the time. Rachel,
you're glowing, sweetie. I know. Honey,
there was like a weird crunchy towel in the bathroom. No, that's not real. Not real. Condoms. only.
I was like very young. Okay.
Um, okay. So you, so did. you then tell your mom in that conversation, you lost your virginity? Yeah. I was like, yeah, mom, I did it.
She's like, how was it? I'm like, it was very quick. And like, whatever. Who is like, I had the best sex of my life. No, you don't enjoy it.
Your vagina is supposed to know. You don't enjoy it.
Like. I didn't really enjoy sex until I was like much older, you know?
I respect you for saying that. Cause. I think a lot of women I've said a lot of, on my podcast, it's really, it's almost like you feel shame if you don't experience an orgasm or you're not enjoying it right away. And so there's like this weird thing. And then women don't want to say they're not.
Cause like, I had a lot of teammates. I was on a soccer team in college and everyone would just be talking about like, Oh, my God, like. I had the best sex last night. And meanwhile, I'm like out of these 12 girls talking, there's no fucking way. Every single one of them just had an orgasm.
No, there's no way. There's no way. So it's like you lie about it, almost because you're embarrassed and you want to like, fit in for sure. And you're like, what's wrong with me? But I love that you're normalizing like, Hey, I didn't enjoy sex till later.
I've always been brutally honest. I've never faked an orgasm. Like. I'm not that person to lie, to put on airs or whatever it is. Like.
it's like, no, no, never faking it. Uh, no, I can't do it. It took a very long time for me to be able to, and I think it's important to, why would you lie?
What is the best sex advice that your mother has given you? A.K. give it to us. A.K. share it with us, Rachel.
Oh God. I'm trying to think. I mean, she's always very into, like relaxing, like to the point where your first gyno, you know, your gyno appointment, like envision your vagina opening up like a flower and take breaths. And like, I'm like, all right, I'll try it. Like here comes the rose.
You know what I mean?
But it's helpful because it makes it so relaxed, and just even having those visuals, which is like super weird to some people, can be really helpful. You know, I was like 13 the first time I went, and you're young. Like it's hard to do that. Oh my God. You're so in your head.
And that's the thing about orgasm too. Like, you're so in your head. And if you have that pressure or whatever, it's never going to happen.
Never, ever. And it's so, but it's so hard. And I just want to normalize that. it is hard. and like you're not alone.
If you're listening and you haven't had an orgasm, like you are not alone. No, you're not alone. I feel like in the past, I know, I have definitely faked an orgasm. I know.
Like most women have that I've spoken to. I think that there's an,
there's two parts. Number one, and maybe if I was in college and I was like, I'm never having an orgasm, I'm going to fucking fake it so it can be over, which I know is so bad, and I don't do that anymore.
But there's another way to get them to finish. Like you say the right things. Absolutely. Here we go.
Here we go. And then I think the other part is like, there's also sometimes where I know, like I'm having such incredible sex, but I just know that I'm not going to get there. And so I'm going to fake it, because I genuinely, like, you, know what? I had a great sex, but I'm just going to fake it at the end because, like I, he probably is going to keep going cause he thinks I'm haven't finished yet. And I know he can finish.
So just go ahead. Right. Just like, what do you do, though? To like, if a guy's like, have you finished? Like the pressure?
Like how do you tell guys basically like, no,
I didn't finish. You know what? I am so honest. I can have great sex. It's hard for me to orgasm.
But after all, it's like, Oh my God, like, you know, that was great, or whatever you want to say. Like, it felt so good. And it's hard for me to orgasm has nothing to do with you. Like. obviously I think we can get there, or sometimes, if you can't, you don't say those things.
But, but if it feels good, you want to give them props.
Obviously the phenomenon of like porn and guys being obsessed with trying to like get a girl to squirt and like get a girl to like come. Yeah. They try so hard and they're almost, have you ever had a guy be so focused on trying to give you an orgasm? Like how do you go about that? Basically being like, like tapping his head, being like, okay, calm down.
Right. Like. what do you do?
Yeah. I just pulled them up. You pull them up. Oh yeah. Like, it's just not, yeah.
You know? And I think a lot of guys, if they know what they're doing, they can tell if it's not going to go that way. You know? And I think that comes a lot with experience and age. Like with a younger dude, you know, you know, but a guy who's been doing it for awhile, they know what's up.
I agree. I think sometimes, ladies, if you're listening and you're struggling with that, like, that's such good advice of like. sometimes you literally don't need to say anything. Like. I've done that so many times where I'm like, okay, like, come fuck me.
Like, basically just pull them up and like, let's go. And then they'll be like, Oh, okay. It's, we'll just move on. Yes. Okay.
Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner had different sex drives than you? And how did you guys handle that?
For sure. You know, that's an example of getting in your head, cause I have been in one where like, or maybe I haven't been as interested after awhile in having sex with the person in my head. I'm like, okay, I had sex today. If I wait two or three days, okay, maybe I can do it again on Thursday. And then he'll be okay.
You know? But then you're in your head and then you're like, Oh fuck. And I had that for awhile. Like, even after a relationship, being stuck in that and overthinking, like we had sex today. Okay.
When do I have to have it again to, you know,
that is the most relatable thing. Just to pause you right there. I can't imagine how many women are like, me too, Rachel. What the fuck do you do to like combat that?
Right. It's. yeah, it's, it's, it's so tough, right? Because battling your head and your body, because there's totally different things. And even if I want to have sex, my head could be like, no, I don't really want to.
And then you're stuck in that pattern of like, okay, I'm going to calculate this.
Do you feel like when that happened to you with that partner? Cause I hear what you're saying. Like that, that specific, it felt like you're kind of like, I'm not sure if I'm in this anymore and like, I don't know what I'm doing. Right. Did it go on for a while?
Did you end it? Did you find any like remedy for it? Yeah.
It's probably like the last year and a half of doing a pattern until it finally broke off, you know, and just sticking to that and being like, cause. I'm a very, I'm a people pleaser that carries over into relationships.
But I feel like, I feel like in those moments, I feel like that's a good red flag for yourself to know, like, Hey, Henry, no, I'm letting, he needs his space. Oh, my God. Thank you. I think in those moments, what I would say to women is number one, it may be a good red flag for you to be like, Hey, maybe I'm not as into this person as I thought. Yeah.
Like listen to what's going on. Also,
I would say I've sometimes had moments where I'm just like out of it with my sex drive and it's not my partner. And so sometimes like maybe finding time for yourself to masturbate or maybe,
which is way easier. If you need an orgasm, it's so much easier and quicker yourself, because you know your body so well.
And then I feel like sometimes for me, and I don't know if you feel the same, but like sometimes then when I do that, like maybe I'll be a little bit more horny that day. And then I'm like, Ooh, I kind of would want to have sex tonight. Like, right. So just making sure, just checking in with yourself is really what it is about. And it's really not about your partner.
Yeah, it can be either.
There is a difference, for sure. And I've been in both.
How do you approach bringing a toy into the bedroom for the first time with a?
partner? Okay. So I have very little experience with this. I didn't even have a vibrator until a few years ago. Like I was gifted one from a guy I was dating.
I was like, fuck, yeah. Like that's awesome. Like, okay, he's totally open and that I feel like that shows a guy with awareness. Right. And I had, I've only used one with that person.
Uh, and I haven't really brought it back since, but I would like to.
Did you like using it with your partner?
I did, except there was like one thing we were doing and it like really hurt. Like it was not the right, maybe this isn't the right way to be doing this, but I think it can be totally fun and it should be more accepted. And I know there are guys out there that would feel like their ego hurt. Like, Oh, why do you need this? Like?
I can give you this. No, but tongue can't buzz like that. Like it doesn't actually vibrate, but like just having guys that are aware and are like, Oh, this is going to help her. And then they actually are about you being pleasured as well. I think is awesome.
Have you used it alone, eventually, without your partner? Sure. And I think they're great. And I feel like I. actually, it's funny.
I was gifted one as well back in college. Like your first one. Yes. I was literally using a toothbrush at the time. that was an electric toothbrush, the back of the head.
And my friend Lauren was like, I went through a breakup and she was like, Alex, come with me. I'm like, where are we going? And she brought me to a sex shop and she was like, we need to get you a vibrator, because stop using your toothbrush. I'm like, I don't brush my teeth with it. Please let me clarify.
But I think it was a, it was a cute moment because then, afterwards, like, I definitely enjoyed time alone with myself and I enjoyed time with my partner more, but I agree. Like you, have to find the right one for sex. Right. And I think you're right. It takes a certain partner, someone that's confident in themselves and wants to make sure that they're pleasing you.
If, maybe even if your partner was like, Oh, Rachel has mentioned, like, sometimes it's hard for her to orgasm. Like, let me think outside the box, because I want her to enjoy sex as much as I'm enjoying it. Like let's get her a vibrator. I think that's someone that's really confident in themselves and the relationship and wants you to enjoy yourself.
You recently mentioned that your breakup with actor Bill Hader was worse than.
childbirth. Okay. I did not actually say that. I'm happy you brought that up. Whoa.
Let's clarify. I said, okay, obviously he and I were not still together, so we broke up. But, um, it was during, you know, a time where you could not leave your house. Okay. You had to sit in whatever it was that you were going through.
So I had to deal with this. I had to deal with being alone and taking care of my kid and like everything else. And I'm like being isolated and not being able to connect with any humans, not being able to help myself. Like I got into a depression, like all of these things. that time, having to be forced to face all of your shit, I said, was harder than childbirth.
Is anything more painful? Fuck, no. Maybe kidney stones, which definitely is a close second. But like, no, I didn't say that, you know, all breakups are hard. Of course.
You know, like, especially when you are in something that you're really into and things happen, you know, and fucking things change. And, uh, you know, there was a pandemic, like there were so many things going on. Um, yeah, so it was a hard time.
I cannot imagine. I think I know a lot of people messaged me going through breakups and pandemics. I mean, people were going through so much in the pandemic, whether it was almost like a breakup within yourself of self realizing something, there was a lot. Yeah. And so I completely understand what you're saying with regard to that.
Think about it. And the first thing you want to do, like after a breakup, is like get out there and, you know, socialize and be out with your friends and, like your, you know, do your thing. And you literally can only sit in a house with your child that you're taking care of. You can't even take care of yourself first, you know, and just sit with life and everything that comes along with it.
Totally.
So it was just like about being isolated and going through the pandemic with all the things in life.
When you broke up because it was a pandemic, was it like a phone call? Like, did you even get to see this person in person when you guys broke up?
It was not. Yeah, it was not in person. Yeah. Well, because you know, in the beginning, when you're so isolated and you're so scared, cause you don't know, like, you're like, Oh my God, I looked at someone like, am I going to die? Um, and you know, he has his own family.
He has to think about, I had my own family to think about. And like, obviously, Briar's dad, like, you know, it was like our bubble. So, like, we're not going to see anyone. He's not going to see anyone. So it was definitely done and not like your normal, like in person way.
What helped you ultimately heal from the pain of that heartbreak with Bill?
You know, what was so interesting having, it was almost like a blessing in disguise. So having to be alone with all of the shit and your thoughts and not leave the house, like I had to look at everything, and I'm like, okay, I w. I've been in therapy for years, which I love, big fan, big advocate. Um, and like. do therapy, like write, if that helps you.
Like I was reading books, I was doing things that I never had time to do. Um, and it gave me that time to just really do things for myself. Like, yes, I'm looking after my kid, but there was obviously shared time. So I would have time absolutely alone, alone, alone. And I got to do the things that I always wanted to do, and it really helped me.
And it was like, Oh, I'm focusing just on me. And it's not about the guy, or, you know, the relationship. It's literally just about me as a human. I was happy that I was forced to sit in like the pain or the hurt, or, you know, all the feelings that come along with it, because I got to get through it. Some people will hold onto that for years, like because they'll distract themselves, so you don't actually face those feelings you're feeling.
I mean if we can talk about that a little bit, cause I think a lot of people can relate to that topic of like, kind of knowing something maybe isn't right. But, and again, being in a pandemic, like, how did you, or I don't know if it was your decision, but come to that decision of like, I'm, this is going to end, even if it's a pandemic, like, how did you get to that point to end it, or whoever ended it?
I think it was the stress of the situation in the world that led to it. Um, no one knew how to be or react, you know? And I think it was just a result of that alone. The stress of it all.
Oh, really? Cause. do you think, if the pandemic hadn't happened, maybe?
I mean, I would think it probably would have went on maybe a little longer, but then in retrospect, looking at it, you're like, obviously it would have ended, cause it did, you know, like it's not.
But maybe it almost ended faster. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess that's kind of like a good way to look at, like a positive, because I think a lot of times like we.
We get deeper into it and more time goes by, but ultimately it's not the one. So it was, like I said, blessing in disguise in many ways.
Have you through relationships now, like when you think of the one and like what your wants are, how have you found that through what you've gone through with your past relationships in your mind?
Everything. And I think people, and as you get older, you know, I'm 40 years old, you go through all these experiences and you're like, Oh, I'm taking things from each thing. Right. So there's always a positive. Cause.
it's like, I recognize something in this relationship that did not work for me. So the next time I need this and I've gotten to a place now where I know exactly what I want, what I need. And for the first time, I'm not afraid to say it.
Can you give us an example of something from any relationship you've ever been in that you're like, this is something I know personally. for me, that, just like, doesn't work for me in a relationship. Hmm.
And then also a need. Like someone, controlling is never good, you know? And I, like. I said, people pleasing. I was definitely weaker and I could like be subjected to that and be like, okay, like, yeah, I'll just do whatever he says.
And that's a pattern with me in a lot of the relationships I've had. So that's something like huge that I'm like, no, I need to make my decisions and I need to stick to what I know and be strong. Like the strength in me would always be a lot weaker in relationships when I was younger. And now, being older, I know exactly like how to speak up for myself, I should say.
Have you gotten to a point, though, where, like you, can recognize when it's happening and then know how to get out of it?
Yeah. I mean, it's one of those things, because when you're in something and you don't see it, then you get out of it. It's so clear that now that you can recognize it because you've acknowledged that you can recognize it. Anytime it comes up, you're like, Oh no, he's doing this thing. I'm not okay with it.
What is a need? What are you like these, this is something I definitely need in a partner.
I need someone make me coffee in the morning. Like fuck. Yes. Thank you. Honestly, I create just like on top of me, missionary, like some dudes that like aren't down with that.
I need a man on top of me. sometimes. You know what I mean? And like, that's another thing. sexually.
I'm like, yes, like own it. I need to feel it. Like, like Carrie says, in sex, I need to feel the weight of a man on top of me. It's like, I can still relate to that.
Guys, if anyone's listening, Rachel needs coffee and missionary.
I mean, I feel like it's doable.
Are you currently single? I am not. Okay. Okay. Is he bringing you coffee in the morning and missionary?
Yeah.
That's actually great. Okay. Great. Is there anything that you look back and you're like, there's a theme throughout people? you've dated?
A theme. I do.
I have noticed this, isn't, this is a generalization, right? I think I've dated quite a few actors and I do think that some of them, not all, have very like self-involved tendencies. Um, and I think that just kind of comes along with the territory a lot of the time. Right. I'm not saying all of them that I've dated have them, but it is a theme.
Um, and I don't like it.
Do you think you would ever stray from the actor? Oh yeah, for sure.
I always tell myself like never again. And then, of course, another project, another person. Um, but no, you know, and I will say, you know, with respect for my daughter's father, he is not like that.
I get what you're saying of like it, you don't want to fall into that tendency and then you're on a movie set. Is it hard, when you're, um, single and on sets, to like not get involved in that kind of stuff?
Well, for sure. Because, think about it. Any workplace you're in, you're surrounded by the people, you're around them every day, and you'll meet different personalities, and sometimes you'll really have chemistry with someone. It doesn't matter where you are. Yes, it's a set, but it's literally someone you're spending mostly 12 hours a day with.
So you're going to get to know these people better than you would get to know someone you're just casually dating in the beginning, because it's literally.
That's why I feel, like a lot of people do get into, like workplace relationships. I'm not encouraging it. But like any job you're at, if you work in sales, real estate, it doesn't, it doesn't have to be entertainment and you are with that person all day, every day. And it starts as a friendship, right? It starts at your cordial.
You're going to get to the coffee together. You're going to craft services together and then talking about your life. And all of a sudden that blossoms into like, Oh wait, maybe you could be. No, though. It could always end.
Of course. And if it's going to potentially always end, be friends and like protect yourself and like make decisions of like before you jump in. And I think some people that have maybe like, I think actors are lucky, because it's like, then you're off to your next project, right?
It's like summer camp, a lot of the time. Yes. Yes.
And if you're in a nine to five, sweetheart, that's not all day round, baby. So make sure you're going to be cozy. if he's in the cubicle and, like a couple weeks later, you guys break up for sure. That's difficult. Way, difficult.
Okay. You get very personal on your pod. Has it been cathartic to talk about your personal life on your podcast?
It has. Like. I'm still a very private person. Like. I won't like name names or, you know, but I want, we wanted to create a space.
that, and you know what? Before we started, I listened to your first call her daddy, and I was like, yes. The fact that you were so just transparent and like didn't give a fuck. Like you said every, you know what I mean?
It was just texted me and I said, I want you to degrade me. Yes. Oh my God. That's awful. God bless.
I remember that. recording that to this day. You do. Oh my God. I remember going in there and just being like, I'm just going to say everything that happened this week.
Right. I had no idea what I was doing. I'd never listened to a podcast in my life before I recorded that. I think my voice was so affected. So fake.
I was like, hi guys, this is Alex. Like I can't listen back.
Well, I get it. It's like watching your first project. You're like, Oh my God. Like what is that? I get it.
But, that being said, just the very like transparency and just being super honest and open. I fucking loved, you know? And so my best friend Olivia and I were like, we want to create a safe space where women or even men, you know, we have men coming on now just being open and honest and getting into it and not afraid to speak whatever's on their mind. Like, obviously we go there about sex, but we, it's life, right? And we're moms and it's, it's a whole different thing and it's a different phase of life, but it feels really good to have our own platform to do that.
I love that. And I think that, listen, I have had some where I come up with fake names for people and then people still find it out. So don't do that. If you're a private, Rachel, I'll give you that tip. Don't come up with like, Oh, this one's door number three and this is Slim Shady.
And don't do that. But when you talk about the themes of what you're going through, that is relatable, because we all can relate in some capacity. We're all human beings going through depression, anxiety, happiness, stress, sadness, like hard times, with your romantic, with your family, with your friends. And so I think, like it's cool to have anyone sit down in front of a microphone and be open. Like I think everyone can appreciate that.
I would hope so. And I think it's accessible, and people like kind of crave that authenticity. And I think for me it's like, okay, I can speak personally about my own experiences, but I don't want to like bring other people in that don't have a mic in front of them and can't either defend or share their side.
That is the catch 22 of it all, sweetie. And I'm still trying to figure it out. I know, right? You got to like push the boundary, but it's also like respecting, I get it. Respecting people in your life.
Absolutely. I think I read you don't introduce your child to people you date.
I've learned from, you know, mistakes in the past that you don't want to do it too quickly. But luckily, you know, she's only seven now and she was a lot younger before and whatnot. So it probably didn't resonate as much as it would now per se. Um, but yeah, I think that's super important cause. I don't want it to look like some revolving door or I don't know how it's going to affect her.
And she's number one for me, like totally hands down before work, before men, before anything. Um, and so I don't take that lightly.
Have you had a lot of people that are respectful of that? Yeah.
I've only had positive experiences, luckily, but also that speaks to, like me knowing what I need and want now. So I'm not going to entertain anything. if they don't understand, the kid comes first.
And I think that's great. And it's also like ladies, be fucking confident. Like you did the most incredible thing in the world, which is bring a human being onto this earth. And like, if someone is not going to be positive and accepting of however you want to handle the boundaries, tell them to go, fuck themselves and find someone better for sure.
And a lot of women have those insecurities, I think, absolutely moms, or whatever age you are at that point. And just thinking like, Oh, are guys going to want it? It's like, Oh, fuck that. Yeah. You know,
totally being a public figure. Most of your life. Is there anything that you would like to share, that you think maybe is like a misconception about you, or people maybe think about you that you're like, Ooh, I would like to like clarify and kind of just say my piece on that.
God, you know, I feel like I've been fortunate enough to have mostly a positive response. And I think, you know, I love that. It's important to me, like how I carry myself, setting an example, whatever, but I'm super fucking crass and like, have a dirty sense of humor and I'm not afraid to show it. And I think it'll come through on broad ideas like the new podcast. Um, but I feel very fortunate.
Like I feel like I've gone through this time in my life where I've been, you know, working or whatever. Um, in a decent way, where I can be proud that my daughter will see how I carried myself.
What do you attribute that to? Cause? I think a lot of people like, fuck, like this shit. Like I got me fucked up by being in the public, whether it was maybe they didn't come from the best family to give them values, or whether, like, what do you think you, why you just end up having such a good, like straight and narrow path of, there's not a lot of drama around you.
I think that the support system you have around you is huge. All my best friends are my best friends since high school and junior high. Never strayed from that. I don't make new friends often. Um, and my family, I have a very supportive family.
Um, and I grew up that way and a loving, open mom, clearly. Um, and I think that is such a big part of it, and people around you that know you so well, they can, just, if you have a moment, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like. get the fuck back down here. What are you doing?
And I have that and we trust that. And it's like the friends are like, no, you can't borrow my new dress. Like it's that comfortability of like, I haven't worn it yet. You know, you can be real with, you can be real.
Totally. No, I, I really respect you saying that. And I feel like it's really cool to get to sit down with you, because we respect your work so much. And so now it's cool to be able to like sit with Rachel Bilson and talk with you.
and get to know you. I'm such a fan of yours. I was like, Oh my God. Like. it was just such a cool thing.
And I think this is so beautiful. What you're doing. I love it. And it inspired me to, you know, just be able to go there. Like you, gave me the confidence.
Like you can be who the fuck you are and say what the fuck you want and still be a successful woman in this world. And it's awesome. Rachel,
thank you so much for coming on Call Her, Daddy.
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