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world, United States or pretty much anywhere on this spinning blue marble we call Earth,

who's a fan.

It's been really fun.

It's been great to meet all these people.

And then I realized, what are we doing?

I mean, easily my two biggest fans are right in this room.

What?

We had SunChips, the sour cream and onion kind, and the, yeah, EB got SunChips.

And so I had to eat about six bags of those really quickly.

those fans?

You've got an edge to you.

So Sona.

What are you saying?

Where are you calling from?

I'm next to you.

What are you doing?

Yeah, but where are you next to me?

Would you...

Do you think this is...

I'm trying to orient this.

What do you think?

I'm to your right.

You're north of me, right?

So you're sort of more west towards the ocean, and I'm kind of more inland.

You've been a fan for a long time, right?

How long have you been watching?

Wait, am I...

Well, you watched the old shows.

Didn't you watch...

I did watch the old shows.

And you watched them with your brother.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm glad you're a fan.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Let's try this.

Hi, Sona.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Yes.

What are you doing?

You don't have notes.

Sometimes the pads that say nothing say the most.

It says here you're west of me, that you live in Altadena, is that correct?

And you are married.

You have two kids.

Yes.

It says I'm their godfather.

Yes.

Yes.

So, you're a huge fan.

I mean, this is a big thing.

What are you talking about?

So, anyway.

I'm your employee.

I was your fan.

Can I tell you one thing?

You were my fan until you were my employee.

And then you quickly soured, didn't you?

I mean, I didn't say I soured.

I think I got to know you better.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Not the idealized, like, oh, look at that guy on TV.

You know?

That guy's a hunk.

What?

You know?

What?

Whatever.

I look like the Winklevoss twins.

You know?

I look like, and if they had both, if two army hammers from the social network had been

smooshed together.

Okay.

Imagine the cracking of bones and ligaments, the distortion of the two skulls, there'd

be three eyes.

I mean, so yes.

But anyway.

So how's it going, Sona?

What's going on in your life?

Be honest.

Nothing.

Nothing's happening in my life.

Everything's good with your, your parents are still helping look after the kids?

Yes.

They're two and a half.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck you, man.

Fuck you.

I'm just glad he's centered on you.

Fuck all of you.

We just thought it would be fun.

You guys like talked to each other.

Oh, it's not like-

We couldn't get a fan episode in time for this release date, so we just had to come

Let me be honest.

There's a ton of fans in the queue.

We just didn't technically put it together today.

I don't know who's at fault.

I'm not going to throw Eduardo under the bus.

It totally was.

By the way, it wasn't Eduardo, but just by me suggesting it could have been Eduardo.

You're very good.

I do.

And the fans love you.

That's very nice.

But what about the day-to-day assisting of Conan O'Brien?

That I don't do.

I'm sorry.

Lower the volume.

I am with my headphones.

So angry.

This sucks because you're setting me up to say I don't do anything for you as an assistant

anymore.

I'm just trying to find...

Like any good policeman, I'm trying to get to the truth.

Wait.

Here's what I will say.

And this was what I did that was really smart.

I was your assistant for so long and I really made myself a part of your life that you can't

get rid of me now.

First of all, I'll make it clear.

I don't want to.

But also, let's say tomorrow, which is very likely, I suddenly change my mind and decide

Sona's got to go.

There's absolutely nothing I can do.

I have...

Everything in my life.

Well, I shouldn't say that.

Now I'll get hacked by the Russians.

You think that's what's stopping you from getting hacked?

But no, I swear to God, on my driver's license, it says Sonam Obsession.

And then it says six foot four, 200 pounds, blue eyes, red hair.

Oh my God.

I have a random machine in my brain.

You really do.

You don't have to freak out about it.

I know you're a fan, and usually I reach out to people who live far from me.

You do.

I mean, Altadena, quite far.

It's not that far.

I've driven to your house from my house.

I had to change my currency three times.

The currency thing.

It's either the passport thing or the currency thing with you.

I bet it's closer.

Probably.

That's not even a joke.

I think you have this thing about Altadena because it's up in the mountains.

It's not that far away.

I love Altadena.

When I made it there, when I got there, and like many of my ancestors, it was a long journey.

Didn't make it.

But when I saw the Lady Liberty's torch as I approached Altadena Harbor,

stretching this for all I could.

I remember saying, we're here, we're here.

I miss my home, but this is my home now.

That's what I said.

What is it?

Peter Smith?

Oh, you Irish chimp.

You're Conan O'Brien from now on.

You know what I've noticed?

Like, yeah, okay.

We didn't have anybody lined up.

And then you're like, Sona can do it.

Which is what you did for the Kumail Nanjiani episode.

I don't even think I thought for a second about you or your feelings.

What about you?

Did you think about it, Matt?

Yeah.

I guess I didn't.

And you know what's so nice?

It's incredible when you...

It's just so relaxing not to think about and worry about someone else's feelings.

You just glide through life.

There's no friction, you know?

Oh, come on.

Can I be sincere for a second?

So can I be...

Hey, look, can I talk about vaginas real quick?

They're monstrous!

Can I speak about a vagina sincerely?

Ah!

Conan O'Brien turned into a puddle of ooze today.

He was rushed to the hospital where he was reanimated as two Winklevines

smashed into each other.

No, it's just sort of a jokey idea because...

I know, that's funny.

We have a lot of people and we thought, you know,

oh, come on, let's just talk to so and it'll be fun.

no, no, we have people who are fans of mine.

We scoured the globe.

I'm sorry.

I am actually a fan of yours.

There you go.

I think you were very cool about that.

You kept your cards close to your chest.

But I don't know if I ever told you that.

People would ask me what I was going to do

after I worked at NBC.

And I was like,

I'm going to work for Conan O'Brien.

And I just said it very, like...

And I said, you bet you are!

Because that's how needy I am.

Everything's good?

I mean, you can talk about your life.

I can't.

I have no problems talking about it.

You know what?

The other day,

you know what I did?

I went to a movie

in the middle of the day.

because you've got twins.

Those kids are now at an age...

Are they 2 1⁄2 or 3?

And they're very healthy, rambunctious boys.

You send me the most hilarious videotapes.

Yeah.

She sends me these tapes from her phone.

Videotapes?

Sorry.

What the fuck?

She sends me...

Sona sends me...

Sona sends me these three-quarter-inch tapes.

Yeah, Betamax.

She takes them out of her phone

and then, out of kindness,

because she knows I'm old,

she has them transferred to giant...

And I have an old three-quarter-inch machine

from 1985.

So, anyway, God bless you for doing that.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I have it converted to 16mm.

Oh, my God.

No, she sends the most hilarious

iPhone videos of her kids.

And they're a two-person wrecking crew.

They are.

a Three Stooges short.

The Three Stooges,

it's usually the same idea.

A fancy person in a nice house

lets the Three Stooges in

for reasons that I've never understood.

And they come and they go,

Don't worry, lady.

We'll fix it up real good.

And then they take out hammers

and smash everything.

All of your videos look like that.

It's your two boys

with large sticks and shovels

just smashing the wall.

And you're kind of in the background.

You're holding the camera

and you're laughing.

I am.

You're not stopping.

Well, this one day,

we stopped recording pretty early.

And then I had my parents

already coming to help.

So I got high and went and saw a movie.

mention the movie.

No!

Can you?

with other people.

Can they do that still?

You guys would know.

Like, porn theater.

the people jerk it.

You guys would know.

I have never.

I mean, yes,

I remember growing up in Boston.

There was an area

called the Combat Zone.

And once my dad...

You know this, right?

No, I don't.

The sort of triple-X theater area

was called the Combat Zone.

And once we were all kids

and my grandmother

was living with us,

and she used to do

this habit of...

She had this habit.

We called her Maude.

She would look out the window

and, you know,

you'd be driving through

and she would just...

She was getting older

and she would just,

out loud,

read the different signs,

like, Mass Turnpike,

you know,

and she would say things.

My dad gets...

is...

who was a little...

had trouble with...

Like me.

I inherited it.

So I'm not putting this

all on him.

But he took some wrong turns

and we were stuck in traffic

in the Combat Zone.

I don't remember.

My grandmother going like,

Debbie does Dallas.

X, X, X.

And no one, of course,

can say anything like,

Maude, don't do...

Because no one can acknowledge

what's happening.

But yeah,

I knew that those theaters existed,

but I never,

ever went into one.

I don't want to mention

the movie

because it was really bad.

And you don't want to hurt

anyone's feelings or...

it was terrible.

I didn't want to hurt

anyone's feelings.

It's gotten worse.

Because now I'm really into

young adult movies