Harrison Ford

Hi, my name is Harrison Ford and I feel confused about being Conan O'Brien's friend now. Listen, you and I have talked about this a long time ago.

We did.

And a lot of time has passed, you've made no effort whatsoever. Now you show up out of the blue and you want me to be your friend.

Yes, I do.

Yeah, we talked about this on an earlier episode and I think everything went really well. So much so that I think it's safe to say that he and I are friends.

Well, I'd like to see you try and cash that check. It would be fun to watch you escorted off the Ford estate by nine robotic security guards stormtroopers. Yeah, exactly. I would pay anything to see you tossed out of his house like a drunk in an old movie.

I don't know why. We can't just leave it as fact, we don't need to test it. It just is he and I are buddies.

Did you guys exchange numbers?

No, but we didn't need to. I think we're beyond that.

How can you be beyond? That's a big part of friendship.

Yeah, you're not beyond it.

Well, you don't need to call someone when you're always hanging out, you know what I mean?

Oh, I see you don't need his number because you'll always be right next to each other, yeah.

That hasn't started yet, but I'm assuming it's any day now.

Any day now, there's going to be a knock at your door and you're going to open it, and he's going to be there as Indiana Jones.

He will have landed a plane on my roof.

And he's going to whip you to death.

I'll take it, what a way to go.

You'd be happy to go out that way, wouldn't you? No, I thought you were very good, you were very professional. I give you a hard time, but you are at your core, a pro cool.

I was going to ask you about your take on me, but okay, I should have just guessed.

That's what you were going to say, would you say? You're a lot of things, a lot of great things. Would you say? You're a professional?

First of all, I mean, Harry's board came in, excuse you, he came in. And I was very, very professional. A lot of times when you're around serious people, I am a very professional person, so yeah, I do think that I was being professional.

I think he would have appreciated that.

Yeah, first of all, I think he would have been fine with that, especially if you didn't bogart that joint. But I think that, yeah, you set a pretty low bar for yourself what you said.

I will say, I think that day you did actually come in from the kitchen with a snack bag of something like little Cheetos or something.

But that's what I do every day when we record, so that's not good.

Right?

But I think that I was being a professional, I think everybody was on their best behavior. We just wanted Harrison Ford to think we were cool.

Can I say I was not on my best behavior? I was not well behaved? I said I wasn't even sure he was in the Star Wars films. Oh yeah, he doesn't pop.

No, you're the problem here.

You know what's so funny? I came in as I do often hot, I come in trying to give you guys a hard time. And while I was talking to you, I realized I am the one who's unprofessional. I am the problem.

You're also saying it like, we haven't realized that from day one.

I don't care what, you guys realize, I'm having my own breakthrough, this is about me, I'm the patient.

But I've said this many times that the fish rots from the head and you're the head of this fish.

So I'm a rotting fish head.

What's the head rots? The rest of the thing rots.

You rot first, Sona. We know how it works.

You don't need to break this down.

I just wanted to explain it.

I'm sorry.

I'm still not clear, Sona if you could, really.

So the fish rots from the head.

That means Conan is the head of the fish.

What kind of fish parrot?

What is it? is it a freshwater fish or is it a saltwater fish?

I think it's a saltwater fish.

Why?

Does that make a difference? Do you know a lot about fishing? you fish.

Sure, well, you know me, I'm a guy that likes to get out on the sea. I like that air in my face. I come from a long line of fishermen.

Your dad's a microbiologist, okay?

Yes, my father's a microbiologist, but before that he was a Grotten fisherman. He wore a big yellow Grotten Fisherman's outfit.

Thank God.

And then he was so bad at it. They said, I think you need to go get a microscope.

What can you say on a podcast?

You can say anything you want, anything you like.

Well, fuck you.

Already my favorite.

Clearly, Harrison, you've read the room. And you understand that there's a lot of animosity towards me. And that you will do quite well if you shit on me throughout this process.

Thank you for confirming my instincts.

You know, the first thing you did when you came in here is say, I just want my parking validated. That seems to be your chief concern is that we validate your parking. When maybe I'm going out on a limb here, this could be the biggest hour of your career. It's possible.

If he gets a parking validation.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, don't worry about the car, I'll walk home.

You will walk home rather than suffer on air. Can we record you for the whole walk home?

Oh yeah, sure.

Thank you, thank you. I want to say something to you. You came on my show many, many times on the Late Night show and over the years, people would say, Who's one of your favorite guests?

You guys wrote some great stuff I remember, I don't remember. Do you know who I am at this moment?

Conan O'Brien Yes.

It's kind of cool when you say it that way.

You know, it's only cool when you say it, it's the only time it's ever been cool.

Do it again.

Conan.

O'Brien.

Yes.

Wow, it's like jazz, yeah.

We're jazz, we're jazz.

We're jazz, we all pick up on each other.

He's jazz.

He's jazz.

Like Carousel music.

He's saying, you're jazz, I'm jazz, and I am circus calliope, I think something kind of that a chimp would dance to.

And you're Chaz.

Chaz, I'm sure what kind of a name is Conan? How dare you? Conan is an old Gaelic name that my parents gave me.

Do you speak Gaelic?

I do not, I do not speak Gaelic. In fact, I don't think anybody really speaks Gaelic. I think it's a made up. Have you heard Gaelic?

I'm part Irish.

You are part Irish, yeah, Irish, German, and mother Jewish.

What's the German part?

I thought you were German-Irish, I thought your dad was German-Irish.

Is there such a thing as German-Irish?

Sure, would German people were allowed to marry Irish people? sure.

But you don't carry a designation by marrying somebody. A national.

Sure, you do, there are Irish-Italians, okay?

My father was Irish-Irish.

Right, okay.

No German.

No, German, No, okay, I refer you to this piece of paper right here that says I was born and raised in Chicago to an Irish-German father.

If that's a quality of your research.

Yeah.

I did.

You can't fucking remember that.

No, I can't, I can't remember Han Solo, Are you serious? Yeah, I wrote down because I heard that you were in some of the Star Wars films. And this was news to me. Because I've seen those films. And I don't exactly think you pop.

How come you're not still on television?

I think it's quite obvious why I'm not still on television.

Yeah.

Listen, my research might not be the best.

It's holding up so far.

My intentions are good, they are very honorable and good now. I've always thought you have one of the coolest names of any leading man, Harrison Ford. You cannot beat that name. Yet. You were asked, or it was suggested early in your career that you change your name.

Jerry Dukovsky.

Oh well, physician healed Iseult.

He just had a hatred for his own name. Yeah, is that true? So he wanted you to change your name? yeah.

Yeah, he said. That's too pretentious. A name for a young man. He was about four years older than me. He always called me boy, boy.

So what did you? did you come up with an alternate name?

Yeah, Jerry Dukovsky.

Well, okay, I don't think it was very original, I did.

I did come back the next day and I was not only supposed to come back with a name, but I was supposed to be there earlier than my naming conference to get a haircut. And I'd been given a picture of Elvis Presley to take with me to the studio barber.

They told you, get this haircut.

Get this haircut and come back with a name. I said, Okay, I didn't get the haircut, and I said my new name is Kurt Affair.

Incredible, Yeah, that's a great name.

Yeah.

Kurt Affair.

Yeah, Irish, German name.

So obviously that didn't stick, no?

Nothing did.

Nothing did for a while.

No, they threw me.

Wow.

After which, I would be making $1,200 a week.

Really.

After seven years.

So this is a different time in show business. That kind of fascinates me.

This is indentured servitude.

It really was, but you look at, I'm thinking now about the television. I know that I think you came out and, trust me, my research could be off, but I'm told that you came out.

It didn't actually come off.

You're still in, I'm still in. Trust me, that's going to happen later in this interview that you come to Hollywood in 1964.

Love American style?

Did love American style? Oh yeah, man.

I played a hippie.

Oh yeah.

A real stretch.

It's so funny because I have a brother, Neil, who's obsessed with TV of the 60s and early 70s. And so I told him today when I'm on the I told him when I was on.

It's my watch.

Is it your watch?

Yeah.

Oh well, that's very rude.

It's time for you to go.

You just pushed the alarm on your watch so you could leave this interview now and not look rude. That's what happened.

I don't mind looking rude.

Well, that's true, that's true, You're right, I just did misread the situation terribly. But so I'm driving into work today and I'm talking to my brother and I said, Yeah, I'm going in and talk to Harrison Ford.

Yeah, I did Gunsmoke in the Virginian, but I don't remember that. Yeah, I did. I played the same part twice on FBI and one season, and they didn't even realize I was.

I just came back and they were like, we had a great time with Kurt. Affair. What's your name?

No, they I always played. I seem to get these that if there were two criminal brothers, yeah, I was the one that was sort of duped by my smarter older brother.

Right, right.

How old is your brother?

He's three years older than me, or two and a half years.

See.

Yeah, exactly, he tricked me into talking to you. And he'll be delighted because he'll listen to this and he'll say, you got Harrison Ford to talk about gunsmoke. But it is interesting to me, like that whole period. Because Clint Eastwood get started in television westerns, Burt Reynolds, all these sort of iconic acts, Steve McQueen, all these guys had to do their. It's like you had to do your time on a television western before you could move on to other things.

Well, no, not really.

For Christ's sake.

You're wrong.

Why can't you give me that? Why can't I have that? Why can't you just say, Sure, sure, yeah, fine, Conan, let's move on. Instead. It's no, you're wrong.

You're wrong, your brother's wrong.

Well, oK, I'm OK with him being wrong.

Your name's wrong.

OK, everything's wrong, my name's wrong.

No, I played the same kind of character over and over again and nobody noticed, so I don't think it. I was not on the I was not on the Clint Eastwood track in television, I was on the Here Today and Gone Tomorrow track.

Right, right, and this is that's why you're making your living primarily as a carpenter. While you're doing these other parts. I'll get a part, and I'm lucky to get this sort of quasi-background role in these little parts. And I think for any....

That's still the case.

Yeah, yeah, you're hurting, it hasn't gone well for you. I think we can agree on that.

Well, look, show business has been very, very good to me.

Yes, it has. Yeah, I think you've been good to show business well.

I do.

I mean, you're very.

I was very lucky. I mean, for years, I, you know, I did the same old thing. I went from Columbia Pictures to a contract at Universal for $250 a week.

Really, yeah, is that how you would get out of? It? was just being kind of unpleasant.

Well, in Columbia's case, Jerry Tarkovsky, write it down. Folks called me into his office and told me that Mike Frankovich, who was the head of the studio, was in Europe. And he'd forgotten to sign my contract when he left. But he was going to suggest to Mike Frankovich, he Jerry Tarkovsky was going to suggest that. They drop me anyway because I had no future in the business.

I appreciate and notice that, you know their names, Cold, you have already forgotten mine, but no, I haven't. And what is it, please?

It's Conan O'Brien.

Oh my God, I want that on my. That's my outgoing message. For the rest of time, I'll get a lot of hangups.

But you're not letting me finish any story.

Finally.

Don't fucking interrupt me. Every time I get to that punchline, you're there to wander it.

Goodbye.

And I was out.

That was it. Why not just take the $250??

It was $150.

Yeah, your wife's expecting a child. Yeah, that money went a long way back then. Shit.

Think about how much money you'd have now if you kept.

Exactly that money invested wisely then would be worth...

I could be making $1,200 a week, yeah.

I have a very clear memory of the first time I encountered you, which is, you had not been on the show yet. And you're easily one of my favorite Hollywood stars. And I'm going to say of all time, and my show is struggling along for a couple of years and we're getting.

No, I'm just remembering that you never fucking asked me to be on your show.

We did ask you, you did not.

That's what propelled the elevator up.

Yeah, the elevator was not functioning, but it was propelled purely by my. It was a horrifying, horrifying moment for me. I apologize again. We recreated the moment on the air. You can see it online, where I asked you to let's recreate the moment, and you gave this amazing death stare into the camera. And we had two elevator doors close on it and I, I felt the same trauma all over again.

That's how he remembers your name, like Jerry Jacobson.

I know.

I'm sorry Harrison, I could have probably. It was a horrible moment for me and I'm glad that we've you've come here.

I, I come here as a friend.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

So it's all past. You're not gonna no, you'll hold, you, bear no ill will.

No, you're no Jerry Tchaikovsky.

That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So here's the deal. The last time I saw Jerry Tchaikovsky was I was.

Jesus, you're obsessed.

Listen, in that office on Gower, on Gower, 15 years later, I'm sitting in a in the executive dining room at the executive dining room at Warner Brothers. And a waiter came over to me in the middle of my meal. On a little tray, and there was a little white card on it. I'd never seen that before.

Wow.

He was guessing.

Yeah, but I give people credit for right, for acknowledging, he acknowledged that.

I thought, So, too, yeah.

I give people a lot of credit when someone comes up and says, I'm sorry, yeah, like you coming here today to apologize for.

Jerry Tchaikovsky didn't quite say he was sorry.

Oh.

He just said that he made a bad bet.

That's not good enough.

By the time I leave here, you will be sorry.

I'm sorry now.

Do these people get to talk at all?

I try to discourage it.

I see.

It's working the best I can. So now you weigh in because you're having the time of your life.

I am really into this Jerry Tchaikovsky character arc because I do think that there's a nice end to it. It is, it's over. Where is he now exactly?

Do you have a phone in number that we could?

No, he is here in person, we arranged all of this. He now cleans pools in Redondo and he's here to say again that he missed his bet. So there you go, I am.

We should also mention that he's been eating those little cuties, those little orange slices this whole time.

The smallest orange I've ever seen. Make a tiny mini nectarine, yeah, a tangelo, if you will, and you've been eating it section by section.

That's what I do.

If only there were cameras here.

Why are there cameras here?

This is just for tax purposes. I need to be able to show that. We made a podcast and then we get to write it off because I monetize everything. I now own your likeness because you've been on the podcast and you need to buy it back from me. For the new Indiana Jones film to come out, that's how smart I am.

Wow.

I saw you at a party recently. No, yeah, I did, I did, and I remember.

I saw you too.

Thank you, I was glad you saw me.

You're hard to miss.

I'm hard to miss.

Yeah.

I kind of stand out, don't I?

Stand up, you stand up.

But I had a I just was in a silly mood and it was fantastic. Because I walked up to you and I said, I think I'm the new Harrison Ford. And you gave me that great look. And you said, Fuck you, I'm Harrison Ford, and I said, Well, you've been Harrison Ford for a long time. But there's time for a new one, and it's me.

Oh, what a waste.

What are you talking about? I have the gravitas, I have the bearing.

What will you do with it?

I would, I would try to, you know, keep the different franchises going. Oh, no.

Why you as han solo?

Yeah, no.

Let's stop this right now. Where was this party? where was this alleged party?

This was a party alleged party, you were there, this is a party that was a lot of the shrinking gang was there. And yeah, and by the way, you are hilarious on that show, that's a that's a fantastic part and you play it beautifully.

I remember it now, clearly, clearly.

You were there, you were there, and, uh, I think you were having maybe a tequila, and I was having a little bit of, uh.

Orange juice.

Okay, it was orange juice. They're easily, very easy to mistake orange juice for tequila in a shot glass. But anyway, I thought we had a real moment there. I thought, Uh, and I thought that you enjoyed my company.

No, I actually, you know, I know where you live.

Uh.

And it's not very far from where I live. Uh-huh, you could walk over to my house anytime.

Is that true?

Uh, no cause.

I could walk to your house, but would I get in if the doorbell rang?

No, you would walk back.

I'd make an effort.

You know if you, if you really wanted me to notice the roundness of this, if you really wanted me to be your friend, but you didn't.

And it's over now. I had my chance.

No, no, I think I think this is your chance, I think you can still redeem yourself.

Well, how's it going so far?

No, I have, I have, actually I have friends like you.

Okay.

I, I, I really, I mean.

You know, circus people.

Yeah, no, not exactly like you. I've always liked you. I liked you, that's why I did your show.

Many times.

Many times, yeah, I did it, like, what? twice?

Oh, no.

Four or five times.

You did my show nine times right here.

Did you write my name?

Nine times wow, did show, nine times yeah.

Yeah.

You did it nine times and you were unfailingly very funny every time, yeah, and one of my favorite things you ever did, yeah.

Yeah.

And he brought it out and gave a long speech to you about the meaning of his Millennium falcon, and handed it to you. And you threw it up over your head and it landed on the floor and shattered into a million pieces. And it was the greatest day of my life.

And then he picked up a piece and then signed it.

And you signed it for him, and it was one of the greatest, greatest things I've ever seen in my life. And by the way, it's a clip online that people adore, they just adore it. It was just a magical, magical moment.

Well, those of you at home who don't know how these things work, let me point out that this was a scripted bit. Yes, yes, it was. He didn't build the damn thing, somebody else.

Okay.

In the prop department, this is why built the damn thing over a. You know, probably took him three weeks, he probably had to take it home and ask his kid to help him put it together.

Yeah.

And then you built this whole shtick around it, and you made, well, you suggested that it would be funny if I destroyed it, yeah.

Right, I will make it clear, and first of all, this is why you've never.

And you were right.

It was funny, yeah.

Cruel.

Cruel, cruel, I'm cruel.

But funny.

I'd like to point out that you'd be terrible working with a magician because the magician would come out and do a trick. Where he saws the lady in half and then puts her back together again. And just as the crowd is applauding, Harrison Ford walks out and says, Excuse me. I'd like to point out that this was all a sad sham. This woman's secret herself into the first half of the box and those legs are fake. I picture you as a terrible, terrible magician's assistant.

And you've just explained to me why people never do imitations of me.

I was just trying to get my voice into a mail register, that's all I was trying to do, all I was trying to do.

You tried, I tried.

The only way I can sound like a man is to get down here and that I'm either Nixon or Harrison Ford.

And I am neither one.

You sound a little like Jerry.

You've got to get this man behind, I know now that you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, yelling this man's name.

You won.

You won.

No, no, no. This is the first time I've remembered his name in 15 years. It just came to me.

I have that effect on people. This is like a good therapy session for you. I'm freeing you of your past demons.

Oh, my wife is going to be so excited.

Really, I saw Conan today, I'm a new man, all of my demons are gone. Yeah, I think.

I hope so. I've tried everything else.

This is a total meltdown of some kind, which I'm really enjoying. I am very excited, as is, especially my friend Matt. Yeah, for the upcoming, you look so excited.

Let me tell you how much I can't wait for this.

In this era now, where people are saying I don't, even I don't know if I want to go to the theater anymore. The idea of going and seeing a new Indiana Jones movie is absolutely thrilling to me.

I'm going to go to the theaters to see it. If they're going to see it at all, I hope they'll see it.

I will make them personally.

I can't imagine, I think all of them have been spectacular.

Your family are not an audience, you know?

No, exactly at home.

Yeah, it's not fair to the movie, right? I mean, yeah, you could see it at home if you wanted to, maybe later, right?

Well, I've done that and I've gone to a movie.

I've got tickets.

Did you get them already?

Yeah.

Did you pay for them? Because maybe.

How much does a movie cost these days?

Well, there's like those two levels, a regular theater, and then they have those lie down ones where you can get food and take a nap.

That's a nice thing to say to Harrison Ford. I bought a napping seat to go see your movie. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm not saying during his movie.

Right?

Of course not. I've been waiting for this for years and those are like $20, $25..

To lay down and have a nap.

So you got the special? Well, wait a minute. You say you don't know when was the last time you bought a ticket and went into a movie theater? Has it been a while?

No, I don't, but I also don't remember the last. You're right, I have seen movies on a big screen, yeah.

Right, right.

But there was nobody else in the room.

That's how Howard Hughes did it.

That's expensive, yeah.

Weren't you just at the Cannes Film Festival? You probably saw some.

Yeah, I saw, I saw, I saw the new Indiana Jones movie.

That's right, you sat in an audience. Yeah, I've seen pictures of you.

That's the last time.

That guy's really good, yeah.

I got in for free.

I would have loved it if they had stopped you and you had been looking for your ticket at the Cannes premiere of Indiana Jones. Yeah, so you were there, that's, I know, that you've experienced everything one can experience.

That was like, 10 days ago, yeah.

Everything one can experience in this business at the highest level, but that still has to be exciting.

What part?

Cannes Film Festival. You're going up the big red carpet. Yeah, beautiful wife on your arm, you go inside.

It was actually a pretty interesting experience. I haven't been there for a while, but I had been there in the past with other, even Indiana Jones, movies. But anyway, it was a beautiful projection system.

I got an extra ticket.

Yeah, we can all go together.

If you'd like.

Four of us.

If you'd like, we'll all go together. In fact, Eduardo, you're invited as well. Oh yeah, and then I'll check your schedule. Yes, no blay, you're in.

This is the 5th, right? Yeah, June 5th. The movie comes out June 30th.

I believe so, let me check my incorrect.

It says here, I already know it, June 30th.

Okay, so it says it on the ticket, so we'll wait here.

25 days.

You'll wait here for 25 days, I'll have food brought in for you.

We do this show every day.

Every day we do now, yeah, now we do, and you're the only guest every day, and so it's we call it. It's a special promotional month of Harrison Ford.

I promised I wouldn't do this.

What are you doing?

I get excited.

If that's your orgasm, you're a disgusting man.

I'm just tensing up in excitement.

That's not what it sounds like, that's not what it sounds like.

You're filthy minded. I apologize, I apologize for my partnership.

No, it did sound sexual.

Thank you, Sona.

It might have been, it might have been.

Glad I brought this creep along.

Thank you.

You make me blush, I declare.

Where did you get that Southern fan? I do declare, I do declare a man.

You had to be here.

Oh no, yeah, this is, oh no, you got cameras, it's all. yeah, you'll see.

No, no, I did, I didn't. I was, I was curious, I was curious about it.

No, this is very, this is a state of the art studio designed here by Eduardo, really, and.

Nice, yeah.

Beautiful building that we have, yeah, large complex, we do many.

Like, probably there's three, six people here.

Outside, yeah.

Outside is another 20 people. Yeah, what did they do?

Well, first of all, a lot of them are here because you're here. Yeah, and I hate to throw people under the bus, but when Nick Kroll rolls in, they're not here. I'm sorry, Nick, but you're going to take a bullet for this one, yeah?

Who's Nick Kroll, exactly?

Exactly.

And why?

My point is that you.

Is he like Jerry Tchaikovsky?

He's my Jerry Tchaikovsky, he's a very funny, brilliant comic and actor. Oh, that Nick Kroll, Yeah, I threw him under the bus for no reason other than his name came to mind.

Let me say his name again. Yeah, Nick Kroll, Yes.

There you go now, see, all is forgiven. He's just thrilled. Yeah, he's thrilled now.

Should let these other people talk a little bit because they've got microphones in front of them. Yeah, and you haven't done, said one fucking word.

Can I say something? I mean, about a lot?

You know, it's your last day at work, so why not go for it?

Well, I would just like to say that I dressed up a little bit today out of, you know, because I'm a huge fan. And every single person in the office has commented Oh, you dressed up, you look nice, so do I just normally look terrible? I just put on a button, button down.

You used the opportunity to ask a question about himself, I know.

Are you crazy? You finally got the mic? You're the biggest, you're the biggest.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Harrison, I'm sorry you spent your one bullet on that.

Who is this guy?

Exactly that's why I don't let him have the microphone, yes.

Sorry.

So anyway, what do you think about what I'm wearing, Harrison?

Do you like it? is it nice? sorry.

Jesus.

See, we're almost matching, yeah.

Sorry.