Old Sharp-Ass

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Okay, let's get started.

I'm checking out your facial hair and

you look incredible, just incredible. Let me describe

for our listeners who aren't watching this on the internet

right now, what did you say, it looks, it's a wild Bill Hickok.

short little beard and long hair. I don't know if I'd

like to be classed as wild Bill, but close enough.

You know, you look like the lead singer with the Silver Bullet Band.

People say I look like I'm off like Turnpike Troubadours or something.

That or Tombstone. Well, now let me

I live in Ames, Iowa. I have a transportation

company where I haul horses across the country, and so

it kind of put me down here when it was time to talk to you guys.

at a time? Sorry, it came out a little strange. You have so much trouble thinking.

I don't know what happened there. I had a, we call it

the parts where I'm from, cerebral occlusion.

Any hoots. Bryce, you haul

horse flesh. What?

so I can haul a max of three if I use somebody else's trailer.

Sometimes you gotta break it down. Does each one get to look out a window when they drive? This is important to me.

they get hay, and I have a camera facing them so I can keep an eye on them the whole time.

window. I do. I love it. When I'm on the highway and a horse is looking

out a little window, I'm in heaven. Can you guys share a little moment? No, it's true because

a horse is so unselfconscious. That's why when

I'm watching a movie and there's a horse in the scene, I just look at the horse because he doesn't know he's in a movie.

It's fantastic. I love a horse looking out a window. I could look at that all day.

So if I was driving down the turnpike and I saw, or the interstate,

and I saw three horses peeking out of three windows, I would

just start following. I would just start following you guys wherever you went.

forgot to open his window and he just started kicking.

Yeah. He was not very happy and then I opened the window and perfectly fine.

Yeah. You gotta have those windows so they can see. I do that on a

you know, the shade down, I just start kicking. And often

the flight attendant will say, sir, you can just lift that yourself. But that's how

I am. I just start kicking. You lowered it in the first place. Probably.

I wanted to kick. So, this is cool,

Bryce. Now, why are you traveling these horses all around?

What's the point of traveling these horses? Is this delivering them to customers who purchased them?

we say, we're plain spoken in my part of Brookline, Mass.

Yeah, you know, that's exactly how JFK

talked. So, you're right. Why we're gonna haul these horses?

buying horses or shipping horses to shows or moving across the country.

Stuff like that. There's also a lot of importing from overseas.

Got it. So, I'll pick them up at an airport and take them somewhere.

Are they sleepy? Do you have one of those little signs

with their name on it? Are you waiting there? Yeah.

And then hay comes down a little carousel.

But can you tell that they're jet-lagged? Like, they think it's 9am,

but it's really like 4pm. You know what I mean?

That's right. That makes it easier. They're obviously a little bit tired.

So, yeah, just

gotta get them moving. Hey Bryce, if at any point my

Sometimes they'll be wearing a sheet or a blanket. Yes! I do that. I've gotten

It was my naked body and a sheet. They tackled me.

So tell me about yourself.

First of all, I love horses. I think this sounds like a

cool job. How did you get into this whole thing?

started. I used to ride horses

when I was little out in Colorado and whatnot.

As I grew up, kind of fell away from it, married a horse trainer

and got back into riding horses. I got my own

Mustang that I adopted from the Bureau of Land Management.

It's exhilarating. It's nice

having a horse, especially when they're allowed to be themselves and

have their own personality. Oh, you mean like sometimes

a certain way and you're just letting the horse be the horse?

a teenager, not wanting to listen to their parents and whatnot.

You've got the other ones who actually want to have fun and be themselves and listen.

Don't listen to me, Bryce. Go on.

I almost thought it was a screen freeze.

You know what? I'm just picturing a bunch of horses just looking out

windows with blank expressions, not knowing what the hell just

happened. Usually I try to back you up, but that was

hard. You've got to keep that in. That's got to stay. It's fantastic. I'll not only keep it in,

in this world, and if you're listening, thank you.

Are there different styles of

cowboy? Oh, yeah.

you've got English-style

riding. I could go on and on. But yeah, cowboying, there's

a lot of regional type of cowboying.

In a gown? That's usually for ladies. I wear an 18th century

gown when I do it. And a corset.

Get a little breeze, it's fine. I don't mind that at all. Sometimes a breeze is just what I need.

Hey, I have a question for you. Do you think I'd be any good as a rider of horses, as a cowboy?

Do you think I'd, and be honest, Bryce, we know each other well enough.

How do you think I'd do out on the trail?

you would show up dressed as Howdy Doody.

I'd have a bandana and really starched, like my jeans would have a crease,

my shirt would be real starched, and I'd have a hat that

had no dust on it. And it was way too big for my head.

You'd be riding a horse like Robert Downey Jr.

in, oh goodness, what's that movie?

Bad Horse Rider? Sherlock Holmes.

Yes, in one of the Sherlock Holmes movies, he's on a horse and he's not good at it.

Interesting.

I have a problem, and Sona has worked for me for a long time, and she can attest to this.

I have no flesh at all on my bottom.

There's just nothing there. I'm just a pelvis, like a lab skeleton pelvis.

So if I was riding a horse, I think I'd be in a lot of pain.

Can you put a cushion down? What can you put on the saddle and not be made fun of?

If you put something on there, you will get made fun of.

Men and women, everyone.

a clear gel that was cushiony,

and also had certain medicinal properties,

maybe numbing the nerves of the ass so that I didn't...

Okay, so Bryce, I just move it to the back.

Just move the old zucchini to the back.

So, Bryce, I think I'd do okay.

I'm pretty adaptable, and I think I'd be a good cowboy.

Yes, would my ass get sore? It would, but I'm a lot of fun out on the trail.

I think I'd have good stories around the campfire at night. Is there a campfire at night?

Regardless, if you stop at midnight, you're making a pot of coffee.

Do you guys ever make decaf?

and then drink it.

It's an $8,000 Swiss machine,

and that's going to have to be pulled by six horses.

Hey, but what if the other cowboys start to go, you know, I like this decaf coffee.

Let's keep this Conan guy and his Swiss machine around.

I don't think they're going to really be drinking coffee.

I have a lot of admiration for cowboys and cowfolk in general.

I do. It's part of the great American dream.

Nothing looks cooler than being on a horse, I think.

And pulling up somewhere, clapping up, and then just

jumping off the horse and tying it up to a post and going inside and having a shot of whiskey.

That's something I grew up watching all the time on television, and it never happened.

Sharpass. Old sharpass.

He's got an ass like a meat cleaver. Just bone.

Just bone. You can slice ham on that guy's ass.

You wouldn't want to, but you could.

Yeah, old sharpass, they'd call me. Here comes sharpass. Hey, sharpass, what's up?

Oh, not much. I was just here with my $8,000 machine

decaffeinating these beans.

What's up with you guys? What do you think?

No, I can't because I had the wheels that were on it taken off and ones that were appropriate for the trail put on.

I was anticipating this conversation.

Oh, you spruced it up too? I spruced it up. It's got incredible suspension.

I've put over $35,000 into this $8,000 machine.

Bryce, I think that I'd be a pretty good cowboy.

I'd like it. I would really like it.

I would love to go out on a ride. What's the longest ride you guys go out for?

was 11 days and over

probably around 120 to 150 miles.

we could probably go circles around the block.

15, 18 hours at a time and I come back and you smell

massage oil and I've had an incredible Cobb salad.

Just incredible.

of being outside.

There's a certain way I like things, you know? I like to be able to just pick up the phone

and order the food and it comes. So I guess that's part of real life.

take care of you. Hold on there, Bryce. Look, I was interested

everyone the signal and we just keep going. And that way he'll never find us.

and didn't take care of me then. So why would she on the trail?

You know? That's not going to happen. That's true.

put Conan on? Like a spirited one? A tame one?

4H horse, like a little kid's horse.

It'd have to be something that wouldn't blow up or anything.

Everybody froze. Oh, we can still hear you.

Yeah, we can still hear you, Bryce. Don't worry about freezing. Sometimes it just looks like you're really thinking about stuff.

Well, I don't care what you say, Bryce. I think I would make an incredible cowboy.

Or a cowgirl or just cowfolk.

Why do we have to get into the gender of it all? You'd be a cow dandy. A cow dandy. A cow fop.

Very nice meeting you. Onward and upward.

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