Reggie Watts

And I feel quixotic about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

I came in hot, I think there are days where I come in hot and today I am nuclear-fueled. Conan had a good workout this morning. Oh.

Yep, lifted a lot well, thank you very much. You don't just get a body like mine, you need to really abuse yourself.

Sona, Good to see you, nice to see you too. You did come in hot because we were laughing. And you're like, no one can laugh without me when I hear laughter in a room I'm not in. I suspect fraud, you know?

It's like a company that couldn't possibly make that. It just doesn't seem right. I'm always like, what laughter and I'm not there. This must be someone's something just is fundamentally wrong. So I came rushing in here and then I guess Gourley was chuckling everybody.

I was just telling them something that you had said earlier, that was so funny. Ah, there we go, there we go, all right.

Well, that makes sense. I'm satisfied. My name is Joy Killer.

What laughter, I must go crush it, make it about me. I just noticed Sona's wedding ring.

Yeah, yeah, I was just about to hit on you, no?

No, I was going to say your hand was out and it was tilted. And it's very nice, quite a rock. I have my fingers got skinnier, so I have this plastic coil around it and I've had it there for.. ..

Can't you just go to a jeweler and they can quickly resize it? Well, because I think I'm going to, it's going to go back up, I'm sure, I think so I'm just leaving it there.

Okay, so it's going to just get bigger eventually, the whole ring's just going to be a plastic coil. I think, yeah, why don't you just lose that?

I'll hold on to the actual diamond and you can just wear a plastic coil. No, you'll get it back. At one point. I don't want to do that well anyway. I just noticed it and it's nice.

Thank you, I don't think I ever looked at it really before. Thank you. I actually don't even think I look at you very often. Oh, that's nice.

No, no, I'm just very, so focused on me and what I'm doing. Yeah, well, that's clear, yeah, and so I don't....

Oh, Gourley, that's me. This is what I look like. Oh my God, you usually have a mirror in front of both of us.

Just so you never have to actually look at us. I make every employee at Team Coco wear an oval mirror on their face. It's a two-way mirror so they can see through it, but you just see yourself. No, I actually am insisting on a one-way mirror. So they crash into things and get into terrible car accidents.

Yeah, it's a mess around here of just broken glass. People are just smashing into the wall all the time. But I'm happy because I just see me, me, me. I'm an opera singer warming up me, me, me, me, me. You did come in hot.

You're singing a lot, too. Yeah, I sure am, because I've got a beautiful voice. But you did come in hot. That usually implies, like, come in hot, you're grumpy, you're mad, you've got something to prove.

No, no, you came in kind of just you're just living, you're buzzing, you know what?

I'm happy, life is good. I am happy to be here at the podcast and with some of my favorite people. Hold on, let me put on my glasses.

Oh shit, I didn't see who was in the room. I'm sorry, no. I thought I was with Jeff Goldblum and the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, and then it turns out it's Gorley and Son.

I apologize. I wish Jeff Goldblum was here and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, Yeah, he'd be like, I'm just....

Was it the theater? What the fuck? And I'm like, Gabe, really, you wrote the Gettysburg address and you just said, What the fuck?

I know.

I've told you that sketch I always wanted to write where.

Oh, yeah, I think I mentioned on the airwaves, yeah, Lincoln is in heaven. And he's walking around and he sees a group having a really good time, and he goes up to the group because they're all laughing real hard.

And John Wilkes Booth is at the center. And Lincoln's like, What the fuck is he doing up here in heaven? And they're like, you know what? He was really good to his mom and da da, da that night with you, he was having an off night. It was a one-off.

It was like he was having an off night and Lincoln's really mad and they're like, Come on, Abe, and then Booth was like, Mr. Lincoln. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, but I am a big fan.

He goes to shake Lincoln's hands, and Lincoln swats it out of the way, like, I'm not going to shake your hand. And then everyone else, Aristotle Gandhi. Everybody else was like, Whoa abe, not cool.

I had this idea like 25 years ago and I never wrote it. I know we should make this happen because you've mentioned it a few times, I know. How does it end for your birthday?

What? yeah, how does it end? yeah, does it have a button?

They get into a fight and Booth shoots Lincoln again.

I don't know, I don't know how it ends, but this has just been spitballed, you've never written it.

I've talked about it a lot, you have talked about it. I have so many sketches in my head that I never wrote because they just seemed too weird and arbitrary, but that one always amused me. I want to know what something is too weird for you because have you seen some of the shit you put on TV?

What a nice way to put it, you know? I'm going to make sure if I ever, if I ever get a major award for my work in comedy. I'm going to have Sona give it to me and she'll do the speech up front here to give the award to Conan O'Brien after 90 years in comedy, is Sona Movsassian?

You know, I don't know much about Conan, but have you seen some of this shit? He did? I meant that in a loving way, I'm sure you did in an admiring way.

I just, I don't like your wedding ring anymore. Oh, ok, yeah, ok.

That'll show you, Oh no, yeah, I think it's poorly fitted to your finger there.

That'll show you.

All right, gang, let's all settle down, OK? I like when I make it sound like we've got to get down to business and then it's talking to a funny person and being idiots. It's not like we're about to start an algebra class, but anyway. My guest today, of course, a talented musician, comedian and now author, with his new memoir entitled Great Falls, Montana Fast Times, Post-punk Weirdos and A Tale of Coming Home Again.

Very excited he's here today.

My friend Reggie Watts, welcome.

Reggie, you and I got some history, and that's why I'm so thrilled that you're here today. Real history. Yes, you have written a book and you have a fantastic story to tell, and you're a very talented and also a very strange fellow.

Let's just be honest. I mean, the glasses alone hold up those glasses so our viewers can see, and our listeners those are.

Are they hexagons? What are those?

And we needed someone to open for me on this tour that went all around the United States of America. And we, of course, we found Mr. Reggie Watts. And Reggie was a great opener for the show. And you did an amazing job and one of the things you did so brilliantly is people were coming to the show.

We put it together so quickly that nobody knew what it was and I wanted them to know right away. This isn't the show you thought you were going to get. In fact, this is unlike any show you've ever seen. So you can't just have a standard. I just can't have a comedian come out and go, Hey everybody, how's it going?

How are you doing? Hey, what's with the sweater who died and gave you the sweater because they were dead and didn't need the sweater anymore? Oh, that guy's terrible, he's dead.

So he doesn't need the sweater, but the sweater is what fucking killed him anyway. I love that comic, that's a great bit.

Anyway, we couldn't get that guy. I wanted that guy so badly. his name's Hackby Hackenstein. We couldn't get him. No, but but someone had heard of. Have you seen Reggie Watts?

And you were not a known quantity at the time, but we saw you and you were absolutely exactly what I wanted and you would. I mean, I can't even describe what you would do. But it was so original and so fun and so interesting and so different. That people would come in and see the warm up and they would think you were there, so no, like, Oh my god, what is happening?

What is this going to be? And it was great, you were perfect, yeah, but but you did one thing that completely blew me away.

And then I'm going to let you speak at some point, but I'm just going to monologue for a while because it's Reggie Watts and I'm very excited. You would know that we were touring in the summer, it was very hot. This gentleman would wear very, very heavy sweaters, yes.

All the time and lots of corduroy, yeah, and suspenders and layers and layers, yeah.

And we would be in Texas, we would be in, you tell me, Georgia, it would be one hundred and thirty degrees and you would be walking around.

You never sweat. And then I would be sitting in my dressing room alone, doing guitar scales and trying to warm up my vocals for the show and just trying to get ready. And then I would wander down the hallway and I would pass Reggie's dressing room, and you will testify that this is true. Sona, I would pass Reggie's dressing room.

And it was always a happening. Yes, I would look in the room and there was always about thirty five people there. Beautiful women, but with, like an eye patch, a beautiful with an eye patch and a falcon on her shoulder, yeah.

You know, yeah, yeah, exactly, tanya.

I mean, it really did. It was the coolest people I've ever seen, and it was, it was. They were always different every time.

It was different people. Oh, there's a German man with a miner's helmet and he's got a goat with him, but he's also drinking absinthe. And it was just this insane collection of human beings. And they would always look at me like, Hmm, was is los is Dein Conan?

And you'd be like, Oh hey, Conan, I'd be like, Oh, hey, and you would all be like a hookah. There are doves in the room, Prince was there, I don't know.

Like you had that, it was always a happening. You're the coolest guy I've met. How did you do that? How did you?

And we'd be nowhere, we'd be like, Oh, we're here in Tallahassee and there are those people.

Well, let me come, you know? And I'm like, Yeah, it was easy, you know, everyone was so excited.

My one of my favorite, and this is Aaron Blair speaking, yes, and I discourage, I discourage his interruptions, but go ahead.

I remember, and just so, you know, you'll never be allowed to speak, yeah.

And as I'm about to touch, I realize you're talking to Neil Young. Yeah, and I was like, Oh yeah, maybe I'll just don't you fucking yeah.

I just waited, but you were such a good. I don't know. It was one of those. So many things went miraculously right on that tour.

And I would say the first thing was, oh, our opener, which was a total hail. Mary, it was Reggie Watts. And you just set the tone right away. And whatever happened on that crazy tour, you were like, uh-huh. Of course, this is happening. And then, of course, as I got to know you better throughout the tour, which was a real delight. And I've seen your career blossom so beautifully subsequently.

And now you have this book out. I realize that you have this improbable background. That kind of made you coming into that tour feel like, Yeah, what else you got? You know what I mean? I don't think, I don't think a weird situation could be created for you that you couldn't handle.

Where were you born?

So, tell us about that.

And, you know, friends were like, Oh, this guy's weird, you know? And so I had to figure out ways to quickly get in to people's like center of, like who they are. And that that that worked pretty well. I think eventually, like, you just get it.

It's all about your rep. Even in the entertainment industry, was like, you know, your reputation. It says a lot about how you can get hired. It's it's kind of goes back then to in school. It's like, if you work on, you know, being someone who's helpful and funny and joking all the time and slightly ornery. But, like, you know, with a good, good intentions, that's your rep. And and it helps goes a long way with friends.

And you go, what it's like, I've been using that to stay alive.

That's fine, there's. There's a couple more ideas.

But, you know, really? While it was happening, I was like, Oh, this is what it's like, just kidding.

This is a valuable experience.

I don't know if it was in the book or not, but there was my gym teacher, he and I had this weird like, I just didn't like him. He didn't like me. And I remember walking to the gym and he was in the hallway before going into the gymnasium.

And it was just he and I, and he kind of pulled me aside. And he was like, I want you to know that you're not fit to eat with pigs. And then, and then, and then. I just looked at him. I was like, Thank you so much, and then I walked away and it was like people saying stuff like that to me.

I was like, What are you doing? Like, for me, it wasn't so much like, Oh, I feel hurt by it. It's mostly I was just. I was going like, What are you doing?

And if people didn't like me or thought I was weird, or was coming after me. For one, for one of a thousand reasons, I wouldn't stand my ground and go, Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it? I would say thirty five things that kind of confuse. Those behave in a strange way and then sort of drift through the wall.

And I'm not, I don't know, I. I'm not advocating that approach in life because there's part of me that wishes. Sure that in the movies, what you do is you kiss your fist and punch them across the.

I would fudge the shit out of that fist.

My highest compliment I can pay to you is that you are impossible to categorize because you're. It's like he's a musician, yeah, he's a bandleader, well, but he's also he's a comedian.

Yeah, but he's also an artist, but he's also a performer, but he's also a prankster. It's like, which I think is is great, it's like you, you refuse to be categorized, but music must have come to you very early.

My dad was a huge jazz head, and my mom and he like, shared their love of jazz. But also specifically like more funk, like like James Brown and things of that nature. And my mom loved folk music like Nana Muscuri and those, those types of Edith Piaf and those types of singers. Julio Iglesias. And so I was around so much music. Ray Charles was someone I gravitated to as a kid. I love watching the way that he moved when he played piano.

And then, and for some weird reason, Elvis Presley, I was like a huge. My first record was an Elvis Presley record. I just I was impressed with the press, but he was.

You can, that's, that's trademarked, you will have to meet that.

I feel fondly for the Lee, Lee Presley, what Lee for the Lee, fondly for the Lee.

What the fuck I told you? What did you know?

But I was also social. So for me, it was like, Oh, I get to be with all these kids and like, Oh, I'll learn music, but what about all these kids? You know, the music was fascinating. But really, I think that's what creates that adaptability.

Because for me, the one thing I always tell all my artist friends where they're like, you know, I'm doing this. One thing. But I'm not sure I'm thinking about maybe doing painting. I'm like, those are just extensions of yourself. It's like if you imagine yourself as like a person sitting on a floor and you're surrounded by all these different medium tools. You can rotate to any position and pick one. It's like the core is always the same, you're the creator.

Pick different tools. But you've got the most important part, which is like, I have an idea of something I want to do. And so for me, I think music enabled that because I would be on the playground. It would save me. If, you know, people would be like, I would be hostile towards me and I would start singing like Olivia Newton-John or something.

Let's get physical and they'd be like, Oh, I tried that.

Oh, you'll see, let's get physical, physical when I awoke in the ICU.

There's not one unbroken bone in his body.

They would sell seats.

Goodyear Blimp passes, It's already got like messaging about me. The Conan beating, you know what else can take a beating? a Goodyear tire?

What stuff are you watching? What are you loving?

OK, I'll reserve some for my two children and my wife, OK, I'll give them three spots. But then the rest is going to be, and one of them is going to be Peter. Sellers on the parallel bars, upstairs, upstairs in the mansion to next to a flight.

And my favorite thing is he enters a room with all of his dignity and authority stripped because he just fell down a slide of stairs. But he immediately stands up. Yes, and well, we'll just.

So you're done with your Salisbury steak, you know? And then and then that happens. And like my dad and I lost it well, we were laughing for for quite, quite a while.

That was because when you're a kid and sometimes you're not sure how you're going to connect with your dad. I think times have changed a little bit.

There's no coincidence that later on you find out, huh, I'm in comedy? Yeah, oh, this is my way of connecting to people.

Like those were our moments to connect was really humor him. Laughing at me like doing something dumb or whatever, or like hiding peas, you know, like in my pocket when they weren't looking. And then like him discovering it, and then just like laughing about it, like those types of things.

And so everybody was arming up and getting ready, and then there was a. Then there was a notice that said the war was over. Yeah, so it didn't happen.

But I mean, I couldn't imagine the stress of just like this impending thing. And you're like, I don't know what's, I don't know this is right now. All of that definitely got to him. And so, I mean, I will say that. Unlike some of my friends who've had difficult times with their fathers, I think he did the best he could.

Yeah, that's what he had. Yeah, really, you know, and who knows, he was ill prepared for that, and he also didn't have any help.

There was like, nobody going like, Well, they've got shell shock, let's let's sit down and talk about it, right? That was more esoteric, or it was more for people that were a little bit more forward thinking. My mom was always like, go in the basement and yell.

You know, and he would, he just wouldn't do any of that stuff, he'd just kind of be silent and hang out in the dark at 2 a...m.

Or, you know, he would shake his head and have this grin on his face, and I knew that that was him going like, I don't know what this guy is, but I like it.

You're able to start to make something and repeating phrases, and it's, it's. It's really cool to watch you put it all together. But when do you start to figure that out? And do the members of the legitimate band get irritated that you're doing that?

I got to do humorous solo the first year and it was just very strange to just get on a tour bus. Here's forty dollars for the weekend and two nights at a hotel. And good luck competing against other students from around the state in a weird high school on a weekend, you know, and so.

But it was great because you'd meet all these other drama kids that are all a bunch of weirdos. Yeah, so they're just like doing these crazy monologues and you're like, OK, great. And what am I going to do?

I don't know, but my teacher was like, you can do whatever you want. It's OK if you want to improvise, and then I would improvise. So I think all of that.

And then actually, I tried out for a stand up competition in high school and won it. And it's like three hundred bucks or something like that. And immediately bought like, a shit ton of weed for my friends, my friends were like, Great, you won. Do you want to buy some weed like immediately?

It's like, not about like you were great up there and you won, it's like you got we got money now.

You want to get some?

You don't have a mic and you're like, What the fuck is this guy doing? You know, I get it. It was. I wasn't like, you guys should understand me, but there were definitely moments when I felt them going like, Would you?

Just can we just play the next song? like, Yes, that's a good idea, let's play the next song.

And then we would work on another record or something like that. And and I just wasn't seeing it evolving beyond, you know, the third time that we'd gone through that. So, and I was doing comedy and then I saw what are they called the Please Michael Showalter Michael Ian Black of the state of the state.

Not the state. Stella Yeah, I was post state. I learned about state later, but I saw Stella and I was like, What is this? those DV, those little shorts shot on DV.

Yeah, I was like, this is my humor. These guys know how meaningless things are and like, and that's so beautiful and so I am identified with that. And then they ended up.

I think Wet Hot American Summer came out. Yeah, and I saw that and I was like, totally like, Oh, that's yes, I want to do it, you know, I was so driven and inspired by those things. And then they happen to come to town.

Stella did come to town. I met Eugene Merman and I was introduced by a friend. And he was like, we have a comedy night in New York, you know? And then I ended up writing with a band and they needed me in New York for the writing session for a month. So while I was there, I did a couple spots, invite them up and instant friends with everybody.

That's great. It was like being in high school again. I mean, when some of my younger friends or younger artists are like, you know how did you, how do you make it? and you know how did you?

Basically, that's like the question, but how do you make it? and I'm like, Well, I don't know, you don't have to worry about making it like.

What you have to make is the thing that you love to do, yes, and do that, you know, I always tell people like, if you wake up in the morning and you can't not think of. Be thinking about a bit. And if you're always doing bits like, that's, that's kind of what you are.

Yeah, you're not going to change that, so you might as well make a career out of it.

Turtle.

How could the toadstool not like my Reagan bit?

You, you write in the book that because you, I noticed that just in tour that the women are quite taken with Mr. Reggie Watson. Then you write in the book that you're, you're your dream girl. Is Pippi longstocking? Oh, me too.

Really, really, I have a huge crush on Inger Nilsson.

She was great, she was a great embodiment of it. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, who are the other two, Tommy and Anika? OK, can you fill in? Just for people that are listening and had some sort of a childhood? Well, people want to know who the other two are.

Tommy and Anika are like her normal kid sidekick. OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all you needed to know.

Yeah, she could travel anywhere.

You know, she had, she had pigtails that were magical and like, she had cool style.

This TV in Miskwamakut, Connecticut, near the state beach, doesn't get many of much reception of anything. So you'd see the same thing over and over again. And they were running a a commercial for the Pippi longstocking movie. Yeah, and there was just one line that rang in my head, which is a weird, overdubbed someone, I think, overdubbing like.

Yeah, because it was Swedish, it's Swedish. Her accent would change from film to film, she would have just like a transatlantic, and then some films, she'd just be like, I'm from Brooklyn.

I'm pippi longstocking. Well, OK, so what? I remember? You tell me? If this at all rings a bell? Is she's lifting a horse, she's running super fast, like a hundred miles an hour, and they've just sped up her legs, she's doing all these crazy things.

And then they just cut to a very European weird kid, and it looked like poor quality film stock. Who goes, Pippi, are you crazy? Yeah, that's probably Tommy, yeah.

OK, and I remember seeing that and going, What kind of movie is this? My grandfather, a retired policeman, would say, Turn that crap off, Pippi, are you crazy? wow.

So so why using clips from this podcast in that documentary? Because we talked about it, well, we're going to talk about it more now. I know. And where's my cut, by the way?

I want a piece of that. Yeah, money's money.

She just went on adventures, She was just like going on adventures all the time, because that's what she was. Her grandfather was a pirate or something, Her father was a pirate. And but no longer in the picture.

And then, you know, and had like this gang of kids and I don't know, I just. I had a huge crush on her. I thought that she was hot, that's cool.

That's right, just to live in this house called Villa Villa Kula, and he just goes and sails the seas. And I had a huge crush on her, too, yeah.

I think it was maybe like Blondie and Pippi were my first two crushes.

And a woman?

And I remembered her just being the ideal, like, Oh, that's the sexiest, and she still is. Yeah, she's, for God's sake, she's the most.

She's the sexiest, coolest woman alive. We need to get Blondie and Pippi on this podcast and have them fight.

Sixteen millimeter.

I mean, it was insane and like, is he going to make it? You know, all that rascally principle, you know? And the sisters kind of badass, you know. Like there was so many adventurous things and it only took place in a day and then at the end. Like him, or just once in a while throughout the movie, too.

But like, looking at the camera, I was like, that is so cool, I love that. Like, we're in on it, like, he's like, he's experiencing that reality for us.

Venice in here in California, with David hopping like a week and a half ago. And we wander into a store and I'm chatting with the guy who runs the store. And he says to a woman there who's also working there, this very attractive woman who's probably in her early 20s or mid 20s. And he says to her, I can't remember her name. But he says, like, You know, Syria, Syria. Tell Conan your story, tell your story. And she comes over kind of sheepishly because she's being forced to, and she says, My parents are the parents on Ferris Bueller.

And I said, What, what do you mean? And she said, The two actors that play The Mother and the Father on Ferris Bueller, they met on that movie and they're my parents. Oh, my god. And then the guy at the store is like, Is that crazy? Oh, and at this point, I feel like I have to buy something.

Yeah, and they met on that movie and then she is their child and she is drop dead gorgeous by the way, yeah.

Yeah, very nice and very cool, but I just thought, Wait a minute, are you? just are you insane that you think?

Because when you think of people who are playing a couple in a movie, you never think no. And she said, No, they met on that movie and then had me. She's the real life Bueller, she is the real life Bueller.

Yeah, she's a cool story.

Get a load of me.

CONAN Kind of bottom of the pile, but you know what, you got to pretend to be excited. And then she turned back to me, Well, you were still there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Buehler is great, but also I love weird science. weird science was huge.

It's because I remembered seeing that this is how old I am. I saw that in the theater as an adult. Who could choose to purchase or not purchase a ticket? Yes, and I went with Craig Daniels because we were both writers and we had no girlfriends.

Big surprise. We're living out here in L..A. and this movie comes out weird science, and we think, well, let's go to Westwood and watch it to learn how to make a girlfriend. Yeah, exactly.

We both need to make a girlfriend, clearly, because we no one we meet wants to talk to us. So we go to this theater and these two guys. Just basically, I think, cut out a bunch of pictures from magazines, yes, and feed them into a what?

A supercomputer, a supercomputer and a ball, right?

Oh, could it do that?

And Greg was electrocuted.

No lebrock.

Here he is electrocuted, lebrock-less. The police, the firefighters showed up and all they said when they saw us, we were both smoldering. Was trying to make a lebrock, huh? a lot of that. Lately, we got two more nerds on Barrington trying to make a lebrock.

The power surge is going in these different nerd areas of town.

I mean, yeah, that show was also, it had mad Max vibes in it. It had, like, I mean, it had every. it was so crazy.

She was a model for like, like teen, like nightwear or something like that. And so she came from London because her mother married an air force guy. And so my first girlfriend was like, this English brunette model. I was like, this is, how is this even possible? Like I was just watching weird science.

You know, my first girlfriend is this. It was very, very weird, right? And I was very insecure about it because I was like, there's no way the whole time, there's no way.

There's no way. And I was like, Which is not the right attitude?

And cloud cover, that's about six inches above the roof line of any house.

I mean, you could drive, you could drive there in 13 hours, which for Montana, that's like, that's double the usual.

Black ice patches reportedly on the.

Two wheel drive right now? But yeah, I mean, it was close enough. And then and then I got lucky, you know, I just I've been lucky everywhere I've moved. But like I moved there in 1990, it was just before grunge was going to explode.

And so I was living, you know, like with a bunch of weirdos in a house as a band and like, that shit blew up and I was a huge Soundgarden fan. And and seeing all of that explode and then see the industry move into that town so fast, with all these satellite offices looking for the next new thing. And then for me, because when I moved there, there were two venues to play at.

That was it was like two venues nighttime, hardly any cars driving around the streets. It was so dead. It was such a small town vibe anyways. And and then, within a period of about three years, it completely changed. It was insane.

And then coffee was like espresso culture was born. Oh, my Lord.

And she's, we're not going in there because she was like a sommelier of coffee. Oh no, they burn the coffee there. Well, what about we could go in this place?

No, we're not going there either. I'll tell you where we're going to get coffee. And she would take me to the one place that made the coffee just right, and I couldn't taste the difference. Oh my God.

Oh, my God, still can't taste the difference.

I played like two of his parties, like, met him, like, but like in 1995, 1996,.

Saw Bill Gates, you know, like, at the restaurant that I used to go to, you know, like it was. It was really weird to have all those worlds, you know, these ripples that are now affecting our entire everyday lives.

Burns is having a birthday party and, of course, Smithers is trying to make it the perfect party for him. And at one point, he and he books the ramones to play for Mr. Burns and the ramones, they got the actual ramones to go like, Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. And then they drop their instruments and Joey Ramone just goes, Happy birthday you old bastard and walks off. And they cut to Mr. Burns.

And he says to Smithers, Have the rolling stones killed?

And Smithers says, Sir, that's not the Rolling Stones, and he says, do it, and so Smithers leaves. And it's always loved the joke that somewhere the rolling Stones are being killed in that world because that old man misidentified the ramones. And I think about that all the time when I imagine me playing or having to do anything at one of those parties.

If I was, you know, on the David Geffen yacht and told a story or did some kind of comedy thing? I could just see Geffen leaning over to someone and saying, Have the rolling Stones killed? Have Gallagher destroyed, sir? that's not Gallagher, do it.

Have carrot, Tom, Sir, that's not do it, have Jane Lynch, Yes, sir.

I would love to do that.

Ferris Bueller's parents do have a child. Ferris Bueller's half off.

Have a nice week.

We have an ongoing saga on this podcast that continues to write its own narrative. You're a terrible author.

I'm not writing it, I'm just living it.

Remember that Jay Elmore, who runs a deli in New York, has taken our sandwich creations and has been selling them. And he has an update on the numbers he's, he's running actual science now. Okay, because last time you also you complained about the fact that I had an American flag in mind, and you said that that was responsible for why I was leading.

Sales, I think that goose things a little bit, okay. So because, uh, you know, we're a we're a patriotic people, and yours had an American flag, and ours had no flag. So I think that put us at a disadvantage.

He took the flag out and started the tally again. Okay, these are Jay's words. Once again, I just wanted to say you made my day with the mention of the on the podcast. I'm so happy you guys are enjoying it.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Wilford Brimley. Yeah, you sounded angry.

It's a lot of skin off your nose. 551 sandwiches sold final tally so far Sona's Euro 172, Conan's Corned Beef 186.

Maddie Melt 193.

Oh, these are all pretty close, and then it goes on, okay, he said. I will cross the 200 mark today.

Conan may cross it, too, he said. Maddie Melt These are updates as they come in. Maddie Melt just hit 200. Conan is at six away.

I said, stall it, take it off the menu, meaning yours. Where is this? Uh, New York? Well, I know, but let's be a little clear about where this place is.

Cause I'd like to make a personal appeal. I don't know where it is exactly. Isn't this EJ's luncheonette? Yeah, I believe it's on the Upper East Side, Third Avenue, between 73rd and 74th.

EJ's a very nice guy named Jay, came out of his, uh, his diner and said hello to me. We chatted for a little bit. That's when the idea for Maybe these sandwiches came up, and I would just like to say that my sandwich is, I believe. It's a corned beef Russian dressing coleslaw.

It's a terrific sandwich, it's it's a classic, and it's called the Conan O'Brien, or just the Conan. I think it's just, I'm not sure, okay, so you're saying that the name recognition is important?

Well, what I'm saying is I would like to win this. And so I'm talking to all my listeners now who might be, who might be in New York City. Just hear me out, uh, maybe give my sandwich a try, go there and order it, and then if you see me around New York City, I'm there a lot. Just mention I had your sandwich, Conan, and maybe, uh, you get a little quick hug and a selfie.

That's all. Oh my God, you can't use the bully pulpit like that. You have to give equal time to us. I don't know what kind of cash I'll have on me, but, uh, I don't carry a lot of cash.

I'll just say that, right, you're going to go and just buy a ton of sandwiches? Probably no. I feel like I'm going to have, I'm going to have David hopping, yeah.

Go buy a lot of sandwiches, Jay. You have to watch out for this. Sona. You can make your plea for your euro. Mine is clearly the healthiest out of all. Oh, thank you for saying that.

Oh, nothing gets people into a diner like a healthy choice. Good job, yes, if you are going to EJ's Luncheonette, cause you're really feeling like slimming down, rush over and get Sona's gyro.

GYRO I love to pretend not to know, and then yours is what a foreign sandwich, right? What? Well, no, mine's the most patriotic thing.

It's called a Maddie melt, yeah, what's it? what's going on? A patty melt with Hawaiian bread, yeah.

Calories, calories, death, death. that's what do you mean? cholesterol, fat. No, no, no, that's not the way to go after it.

That gets people, no, that gets people into the tent. No, this is America. You forgot where you were, yeah.

But it's New York, people care in New York, they walk, they're healthy, they work out, they do yoga.

Hawaii became a state very late in the game. No, I've got that, and I'm just going to say, that's like the last star on the flag. That's the bread you want. Oh, what a lady.

Go ahead. Based in New York, with Hawaiian bread, I'm covering not only the continental United States, but practically Hawaii and Alaska. Please, with Hawaiian beef, I am covering, I mean, just all cultures, you know?

Yes, yes, the Jewish people, the Irish people, done, that's it, I'm sorry.

The Greeks are responsible for our whole civilization. Are you kidding? You're talking about the Constitution? Okay? First of all, what did you say the Greeks did?

They they're, like, responsible for, like, modern type of civilization. What have they done lately, right? Except shield a bunch of money, yeah.

Tax shelters. Exactly tax shelter, they have tax shelters, you know what?

Socrates kept all of his money in a tax shelter. Okay, that was his big advice to his students. All right, great.

Great shelter your money, he said. Uh, same thing with Plato, yeah.

Cause the U S is doing great, you guys, what did you say? Yeah, the U S is doing great.

What did you say? Attitudes like that? Yeah, right, okay.

Well, guess what, your gyro, I think, has plummeted because it's healthy and it's inventor. Hates America, right? Oh, I would say, hey, give the Conan O'Brien a try. EJ's Luncheonette.

EJ's luncheonette Just go on by check it out the Conan O'Brien, Oh, come on, corn, beef, coleslaw.

Here's my message. I say, listener, eat whatever you think sounds delicious. B u b u don't fall prey to sway. don't fall prey to sway.

Eat, eat the meat. I don't fall prey to sway, eat the meat. I'll take a selfie with you, I'll give you a quick hello.

Uh, I'm easy to spot in New York, and if you think you see Jane Lynch wearing a red wig, that's me. If you do buy mine, you don't have to take a selfie.

You can get out of it all, right? Thank you. I think we accomplished a lot there, and thanks to Jay Elmore for selling, uh, creamy sandwiches in our image.

And there's a very good chance that this saga will actually have quite a resolution, possibly even in the flesh. Yes, yeah, I know what you're talking about. More later.

Why don't we get a piece of these sandwiches? Sorry, I know we ended it, but why don't we get paid for a piece of these sandwiches? Like we should get a check? No, no check.

No, nobody else. No, we're not doing this for money. Oh, what are we doing?

Real Estate Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Mufsesian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick, Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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