Sean and the Snapping Turtle

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Hey, Sean, meet Conan and Sona.

Hey, Sean.

Hey, Conan.

Hey, Sona.

Hey, Sean.

How are you?

I'm well, Conan.

How are you?

I'm doing really well.

First of all, a couple of questions for you.

You're a good-looking fellow.

Look at him.

He's got a nice beard.

Yeah.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, Sean.

Where are you right now?

Well, I'm in Halifax, Nova Scotia in Canada.

Is it cold up there right now?

We just had a huge snowstorm and it just melted.

Today we had a temperature swing of 20 degrees Celsius, so we've lost all our snow.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I love it up there.

I love up north.

I don't think I've been to Nova Scotia.

I don't believe I've ever been there.

I've been many places, but I have to get up there.

Would I be welcome in Nova Scotia?

Do you think, Sean?

You'd be very welcome.

It's a very Irish culture, Scottish mix of everything.

Sounds horrible.

We're the worst.

Lots of famine.

Oh, good.

There you go.

Oh, now I'm feeling right at home.

Irish-Scottish.

Not enough potatoes to go around.

Now, what do you do, Sean?

Tell me about yourself.

What does Sean do with himself in his time?

In my spare time, well, I'm a diver and explorer.

I love spending time in the ocean, lakes, rivers, doing cleanups on my own and looking

for old stuff while I'm doing it.

Wait a minute.

So you're an underwater explorer?

Yes.

You're like the Indiana Jones of the undersea world.

It belongs in a museum, as Indiana Jones would say.

Yeah, that's so cool.

So are you going into lakes, streams, oceans, or all of the above?

All of the above.

Pretty much anything that I kind of take note of if I'm driving by or I'm just exploring

or hiking somewhere.

I'm like, I wonder what's in there, and then just my general curiosity will take me into

a body of water, and then I'll just explore.

So I never know what I'm going to come across, which has led to some pretty wild things.

Well, I have to ask, what are some of the...

Tell us about some of the strange things that you have found in your underwater exploring

up there in Nova Scotia.

Yeah, sure.

Well, in a remote fishing village, I found a full-on dildo that I wasn't able to return

it to the original owner.

That's why I always encourage people, write your name.

Got a label.

Got to label your name on your dildo, and a phone number is good.

Yeah.

It would have really helped.

Yeah.

So you found...

And when you found the dildo, did you retrieve it from the bottom or did you just leave it

there?

I retrieved it because it doesn't belong.

It's not like a true sea cucumber or anything like that.

It's not a native dildo.

It's not a native dildo.

There are other sea dildos swimming around, and they're like, you know, it kind of ruins

things to have that plastic dildo here.

What about...

What else have you found?

It may be hard to top a dildo, but...

I found historic objects, stuff.

Because of Nova Scotia's proximity to Maine, Massachusetts, and England, I found historic

artifacts like bottles like this that are called torpedo bottles.

Oh, look at that bottle.

What do you...

Why is it shaped like a torpedo, do you think?

So, yeah.

So it actually had the name of the guy who actually manufactured it and bottled it from

the 1850s.

And it was made...

This was kind of before the advent of like bottles that were like stoneware or glasses

sit on their ends.

And they made it so that the liquid would keep the carbonation and the cork wet.

So it would keep it from drying out and they would store them on ships and they would kind

of like roll around.

And eventually they did away with bottles, but...

They built...

I mean, it looks beautiful.

It's a beautiful looking bottle.

Yes.

It's pretty cool.

And it's one of the oldest bottles ever kind of made in Nova Scotia, and I found it on

a dive.

It was pretty cool.

And I've found like stuff, you know, from American Civil War eras, like, you know, or

even pre-Civil War, like American coins from 1846.

You can't really tell on Zoom, but...

No, I think that's a cookie.

I think you found an Oreo, the first Oreo cookie, and then you got all excited.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was no President Oreo.

What's like the scare?

Have you ever found anything kind of scary down there?

Yeah.

A bleached white Cabbage Patch doll.

Oh my God.

So a Cabbage Patch doll and all the color's gone.

And so it's...

All the color's gone.

And then, yeah, I was on a dive.

It was probably like 25 feet down, and I'm going down.

I have it on video because I have a GoPro that records my point of view while I'm doing

this.

And so I go down and I do this free dive down and I pull this thing up, don't even know

what it is at the time, and I get up to the surface and I just look at it and I go, holy

shit, underwater.

And I throw it because it scared me.

It's like, you don't want to see anything humanoid looking back at you underwater.

No.

Oh, you see those eyes looking at you and it's bleached face.

And then it says, where's my dildo?

You took my dildo!

I unlocked an ancient curse upon myself.

Come on.

Not the Cabbage Patch doll.

For 40 years!

Oh, my God, Sean.

Again, apologies for my rampant foolishness.

What a cool thing to get into.

And also, this seems like environmentally a good thing to do.

You're going down.

If you just see trash, you pick it up.

Yeah, I just take everything with me.

In the early days, I was just kind of taking bottles.

But then I was like, well, if I'm recording this and putting it on my channel, YouTube

and TikTok or whatever, and people are watching it, me glaze over other things, that doesn't

look too good.

So I started just, it took me a lot of work, but I would take everything with me and fill

up my bag.

And then I started taking pictures of all the trash and just putting it online and just

sharing it.

And then it kind of took on a life of its own way beyond whatever I thought it was going

to be.

And I'm just one person, right, doing it.

And it's been really cool.

But I like that there's a movement now, people trying to figure out all these different ways

to get plastic out of the ocean.

I applaud anyone.

Obviously, you're doing this on a small scale, but this impetus to clean up is, I think,

very cool.

Yeah.

And it's just a good way to spend my time.

I love being in the water.

I feel free there.

And I love exploring the natural curiosity.

And so a place that has, unfortunately, 200 plus years of trash in every waterway, no

matter where you go.

But you never know if you're going to come across something cool.

Like, you know, I've got skeleton keys or, you know, clay pipes.

I actually brought this out for Sona, because I know she likes it.

Because of the gong.

She likes the gong.

Would that still be functional?

Oh, you're putting that in your mouth.

It's been underwater.

Yeah.

I cleaned it.

You can do it as a cleaning process.

But some of the old soot is still inside it from whoever would have smoked it 200 years

ago.

Snapped it off.

They were like this long.

And then they would have broke it when the nicotine or the pipe got too small.

And they would have chucked the pipe.

And so I found it perfect, you know, just as it was when whoever had it last.

And yeah, it's cool.

What about creatures?

Are you afraid of encountering any kind of creatures down there?

Or is there anything down there that would harm you?

Well, sharks, obviously.

Sharks are around Nova Scotia's waters, because the water is getting warmer.

And then we've got seals, snapping turtles.

There's this big snapping turtle that's kind of my nemesis right now in this river

that I've been kind of working out.

Oh, you've encountered this thing more than once?

Yeah.

I love that you have a nemesis.

I love that you have a nemesis.

You know what I mean?

It's you.

It's Ahab and the whale.

And it's you and the snapping, Sean and the snapping turtle.

Yeah.

It's just this giant turtle that's just like in this river.

It's like as big as my torso.

Oh, my God.

And it's like, and if he takes a chunk out of me, like, it'll be my resting place in

this river.

You know what's so funny?

Oh, because they really do snap.

Yeah.

I thought you meant he's just a turtle that snaps at you verbally.

Yeah.

Yeah, for Christ's sake, come on.

What if there was a breed of snapping turtle that didn't bite at all?

It was just like, hey, come on.

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ.

Hey, watch it, buddy.

Take it easy.

Now, wait a minute.

Do you have any weapon with you?

You might want to have a knife on you or something.

I've got a knife in case I get tangled in any like lines or rope or anything like that.

But I could definitely use it to kill this turtle.

I don't want to.

No, I don't.

But I mean, if the turtle starts to attack you, you want to be able to cut its head off.

I mean, literally cut its whole head off.

Or if he has some well-timed barbs at my expense.

He's very passive-aggressive, snapping turtle.

Oh, great idea, Sean.

Why don't you find another broken pipe?

That's a good use of your time.

Hey.

Snappy, sarcastic turtle.

Well, do you have a question for me?

Is there anything I can do to help you?

Well, Conan, I was thinking, like you said at the beginning, if you haven't been to Nova Scotia,

if you ever make it up this way, if you ever would want to go for a dive with me and look for old bottles.

You know what's cool?

I would be intrigued by that.

I'll tell you something, Sean, that my fans or people that are casual listeners may not know.

I've never gone on a dive in my life.

I love the water, snorkel, swim around.

But I've never been certified to dive.

I've never done that.

And I'm curious to try it.

That's something I'd like to try.

So I think that would be cool.

You know?

And I could have your back with the snapping turtle.

I could have some witty comebacks.

Like, yeah, maybe you.

Maybe you first.

That's not a good one.

Was that your best?

That's the best I could come up with.

It's like Conan, the turtle's back.

He's hurting my feelings.

Don't worry.

I got this.

Maybe you.

Oh, no.

Isn't that good?

Let's not pretend you wouldn't just swim away as fast as possible if you ever saw a turtle.

And just leave Sean by himself.

I would leave you behind very quickly.

When he came out to me, I got out so fast.

I just peed right in my wetsuit.

And I was so scared.

Did the urine eject you out of the water?

A guy as young as him would probably shot you right out.

Right onto the riverbank and split my wetsuit into a million pieces.

Like a rocket?

It's a natural defense.

No, I would do that.

I would take you up on that.

Because I'd love to find something.

I mean, I've never done it.

How long would it take me to get certified?

Does it take a couple of days?

Well, yeah, you can do it.

Like, it depends if you want to do it with, you know.

There's a lot of actually different ways to get certified as well.

But there's also devices that you can.

It's like a breathing system where they battery operate.

And you don't have to be a certified diver.

You can breathe through a hose from the surface and be at a depth of 10 feet.

Which is kind of safe for equalization and stuff like that.

So you could do something like that.

Or we could free dive or snorkel together.

Is there a way where I could just wear a VR helmet.

And I'm in a Four Seasons hotel room.

Eating crab cocktail.

And drinking Chardonnay.

But I'm kind of down there with you.

Sure.

You sounded so disappointed.

I'm just in a big robe.

Wow, this is fascinating, Sean.

Conan, I thought we were going to the ocean.

Why are we in this Four Seasons hotel?

No, I'm there with you virtually.

But then occasionally you hear me go, hold on a second.

Yeah, hold on a second.

My cupcakes are here.

Just bring, wheel that in.

Now, is the tip included?

Okay, here you go.

All right, there you go.

Thanks a lot.

He's going to get attacked by a turtle right now.

Yeah, you're being killed by a turtle.

And what you hear through your headset is.

No, no, no, these are vanilla and chocolate.

I just want a chocolate.

All right, well, let's get that fucking stuff straightened out.

Quick question, Sean.

Does your girlfriend or your partner,

do you have someone in your life?

And do they approve of this?

My wife, Ruth, she does approve of it.

And she supports me.

But she's not a big fan of the water herself.

So whenever I go out, there's a bit of like,

is he going to come back kind of thing.

Wow.

Wow, she doesn't.

I got to admit, Sean, she doesn't seem that concerned.

She's going to come back?

She might come back, but she might not.

Is she there?

Oh, hi.

How are you?

Hi.

That's Ruth.

Hi, Ruth.

You're very beautiful, Ruth.

It's very nice to see you.

And you don't like to go in the water with Sean, do you?

Not as much.

No.

The first time I went snorkeling with him,

I realized how terrified I was of what was underneath the water.

Yeah.

It was a great date.

Yeah.

So you kind of loathe what your husband does with his time.

You hate it.

Do I hate what he does?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

I want him to do what he's passionate about.

So I try not to stand in the way of it.

However, that being said, there have been times when he was out diving.

And there was actually recently a time when there was a lightning struck out

behind our property.

I had watched the bolt hit the ground out behind on our property

and felt the ground shake.

And Sean was out in the river at that time.

So I was texting him and trying to call him and be like, hey,

are you alive?

I was like fighting a turtle.

And also, you know, you'd find someone else very quickly.

Oh, come on, Connie.

I'm just beautiful.

You know, there's a lot of, hey, if we've learned one thing,

there's a lot of fish in the sea.

Oh, no.

Look who's behind you.

Look who just walked in.

Who's that guy?

That's my son Jackson.

He's 11.

Jackson, sorry.

Why did Jackson walk in just as I was invoking your untimely demise?

Jackson, your father's going to be fine.

Do you like to go underwater, Jackson?

Do you like to go underwater with me?

Like one time.

Wait, there's another kid.

Who's that guy?

That's my son Owen.

That's what?

How do you have time to go in the water?

You have like 30 kids.

They just keep wandering in.

Come on.

Hey, let's get them all in here now.

Let's just make sure.

Is this it?

So we got Jackson and Owen?

Yeah, Jackson and Owen.

Yeah, my boys and our daughters.

Our daughter Zoe, who's upstairs, when actually she found out I was going to be on your show,

she asked if you were some kind of TikTok guy.

I was the TikTok guy of the 90s.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yeah, you know, back, that's probably a long time ago to these kids.

These are very nice-looking kids and very interested in clearly, you know, being in the room.

Yeah, that's a torpedo bottle.

That's a torpedo bottle, that's right.

Jackson, or is that Owen?

They were excited.

That was, sorry, that was Owen, that was Jackson.

That's Owen.

No, let me tell you who's who.

The one next to you is Owen, the other one's Jackson.

Yes.

He's teasing it up.

Oh my God, look at him.

Oh, I recognize that kid.

That kid's going to be a late night host in 12 years.

Oh no!

You hear that?

And never know the true love of a woman.

It's all of our fate.

Okay, I'm definitely listening to Conan O'Brien for sleep time.

Oh my God, he just pissed me.

Pissed me!

Hey, trust me, that looks like, that's my nemesis.

You have the snapping turtle.

I have Owen.

Just looming out of the deep.

Comes out of nowhere and just blows me apart.

This podcast will put you to sleep.

I've got Conan, I've got one more kid.

Oh my God!

That's my daughter Zoe.

Hi Zoe, how are you?

We're a tight family.

Okay, well.

Oh my God, it's just incredible.

It's amazing.

I have the feeling that there's just more kids

just coming out of some machine.

Just going to keep filling the room with kids.

This is hilarious.

They're coming out of the rivers.

Yeah, exactly.

He found them.

He found lots of things in the rivers.

Kids, turtles.

None of these children are biologically yours.

They just, you found them.

You found them in different bottles

at the bottom of the ocean.

Well, you have a lovely family, Sean.

You have much to appreciate.

But I can also see why occasionally

you want to go sit at the bottom of a river.

Yeah.

Because there are 30 kids in your room

and you get a little peace and quiet

and there they go.

And there they go.

All right, well, Sean, really nice talking to you.

You too, Conan.

You're expanding family.

And be safe.

And I think, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, enough kids.

That's enough.

Oh, the door's opening again.

I said, they're coming in again.

I heard you.

Let's get out.

All right, see you later, Sean.

Bye.

See you guys.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

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