The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 2

Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Strays in theaters August 18th.

Hey, Conan O'Brien here, and you are listening to episode 2, The Lost Hans & Franz Movie,

discussing a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel, and myself.

It was our dream to bring Hans & Franz to the big screen as a musical.

We wrote the script, and here we are after all these years bringing it to life.

We all know that this is going to lead to the movie actually being made, and so I'm clearing my schedule for the summer.

For a budget of $100,000.

It'll be on streaming. You'll see. It's going to be great.

You know, in the last episode, we talked a little bit about how Hans & Franz came to be,

and I think this is important before we start this reading the next parts of the script.

Kevin, it all began with you seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger doing an interview, and you were kind of enjoyed doing his voice.

You called Dana, the two of you. You were out on the road together with Dennis Miller.

Hey, cha-cha.

And you were...

Looks like Cozy Woncy gave me a pluggy-wuggy.

You two were on the road together, and you started doing these two guys, but you were still...

You didn't quite see how it could be a character yet, and then Dana, you said there was a point where there was an important revelation.

We played with it. We had the core, I think, that they would maybe be the cousins and maybe...

Of Schwarzenegger.

Of Arnold and worship Arnold. We had that.

Distant cousins.

But we were trying to think of the characters, like, what would they be?

And we were going around with, like, are they actually going to lift weights?

Like, are they going to show that they're strong?

And we were probably thought not, but what would they do?

So I'm talking with Kevin, and first we were just on the phone doing, we want to palm you up.

We thought, okay, let's do that.

And then Kevin, we were just riffing around like this and that.

And then Kevin said, I'll never forget it because it really, it tilted the whole thing.

And if you don't believe we're properly pumped up, once we got defensive, then we laughed for two hours on the phone.

You doubt me in any way.

And they would never lift weights.

So I think in the first...

They never demonstrated their strength.

Just berated the audience.

All they did, a paranoid, delusional, sadistic, aggressive, toward imaginary enemies.

And that was their whole thing.

That's why I don't think the first one or two really scored.

The first one is unbelievably funny.

If you watch it now.

But did the audience get hooked it harder as it went along?

Yeah, of course.

Well, what happens to almost every character, right?

The first Waves World wasn't a giant hit.

I guess it was just how abstract it was.

They're never going to show any.

Like we did the first one, we set it up and it got an okay thing.

It was the last sketch of the show.

Yeah.

And then we didn't do it for a couple of weeks.

I said, Dana, we should do another one of those and see if...

And then we put it out there and it was like, you know, it was like, people loved it.

And we went to pop and then the whole 8-8.

And we go, yeah.

We started counting money backstage.

More so back then.

That era of SNL, everybody was always on the hunt for a catchphrase.

And I remember very clearly.

And there was some, you know, pump you up.

I could see you guys thinking, what's the catchphrase going to be?

Right.

Yeah.

Everything gets wound down into, we want to pump you up.

We want to pump you up.

We had to stop because I was going to...

It's like a chef with a reduction.

You keep cooking it until it just becomes this syrup.

It's like the Bush thing.

Not going to do it.

Not got that.

Not got that.

Well, we watched you do the whole arc of George Bush was you starting out saying, not going

to do it.

And then over time it became, not got that.

Not got that.

Got, got, got, got.

Like, oh.

Got, got, got, got, got.

He's had a horrible stroke.

Yeah.

It went like this.

Not got that.

Got, got, got, got that.

Go.

Combining two catchphrases.

It's a living.

What can I tell you folks?

It's a living.

It's a living.

Hey, I'm working here.

So, uh, we're going to get back into it now.

Uh, as you last remember Hans and Franz, they lose their job at their cable television show

because they refer to Dr. Martin Luther King as being flabby.

Um, they're fired.

They ride out on tandem bikes and they get to Hollywood.

They're hoping to meet their, their cousin Arnold.

So we take you now.

Let's get Arnold in here.

Let's get Arnold in here.

I mean, let's get to work.

Let's go.

Let's do this.

Reduced to eating letters of the Hollywood sign for sustenance,

penniless Hans and Franz have no luck finding their cousin in Los Angeles

until they are arrested for tackling Arnold at one of his movie premieres.

Arnold bails them out of jail and allows them to crash at his house.

Meanwhile, Rolf continues to kidnap girly men.

Exterior Arnold's house day.

A huge sprawling estate.

Arnold's Humvees drive past two large flexed metal arms, which serve as the gate.

Interior Arnold's foyer moments later,

a very pumped manservant takes everyone's bag as they enter.

Thanks, Benny.

Make yourselves comfortable, fellas.

The house is decorated with large sculptures of individual muscles.

Wow.

Great place.

Yeah.

It's good for now.

As they follow Arnold into the living room,

they cross a staircase made up of 15 connected stairmasters ascending to the next level.

The living room furniture is also shaped like different muscles.

This room's where I like to unwind.

Yeah.

Arnold, before we forget, we got some stuff for you from back home.

They pull some junk out of a knapsack.

We brought you your mail.

Hans hands Arnold some old junk mail.

Uh, yeah.

Thanks.

And also...

He pulls a beat-up dirty sausage out of his knapsack.

Your favorite sausage, which grandma cooked for you.

Ah.

Uh-huh.

Uh, that's nice.

Uh, thanks.

Thanks, guys.

Arnold reaches over and opens a cabinet.

A digital monitor reads out 14 calories burned.

Arnold pulls out a cigar and lights it.

Let me show you the rest of the place.

Arnold gets up.

Hans and Franz trail him.

Sure.

Sure.

I'd love to.

Arnold, can I use the bathroom, please?

Sure.

Go down to the bicep.

Make a left at the buttock.

Thanks.

Hans continues to follow Arnold.

Here.

Come with me.

Arnold's backyard moments later, they cross a swimming pool,

a narrow lap pool that stretches a mile into the horizon.

There is a yacht in the deep end.

Pool.

Nice.

Yeah.

That was good.

Yes, I like a pool.

Beautiful pool.

They continue to follow Arnold elsewhere.

He leads them through a secret passageway,

a giant buttocks that separates and opens like a door.

Arnold's basement moments later.

It is a complex underground nerve center,

not unlike the war room in Dr. Strangelove.

Here's where it all happens, fellas.

I make every career move in this room.

A team of advisors is studying a giant tabletop chart,

pushing around a small cardboard cutout heads of Sylvester Stallone,

Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, et cetera.

Hans and Franz are very impressed.

Show business is like a war.

You must always anticipate the enemy's next move.

Arnold turns to Howard, an agent in an Italian suit.

How's it looking for the pride of the Yankees remake?

Costner met with them today.

Blow him out.

I was meant to play Lou Gehrig.

Come.

Come.

Arnold churts and leads Hans and Franz to another wing

where scientists and lab coaches are studying X-rays, muscles, and skeletal charts.

Who are these people, Arnold?

Muscle research.

You can't forget pumpitude.

It's my bread and butter.

A scientist approaches Arnold.

Any new exercises, Courtney?

You know this little bump on the inside of your elbow?

It's technically a ligament, but we think it can be made thicker with inverted curls.

Good. Add it to my routine.

Come over here, fellas.

They walk over to a machine that resembles a sleek version of an old steam box.

This machine removes all hair from your body, so you're ready for competition.

A hairy Italian bodybuilder in Speedo trunk steps into the machine,

which makes whirling and buzzing sounds.

Thanks, Franco.

I want to give something back to the bodybuilding community.

The machine stops.

The Italian bodybuilder steps out, hairless from the neck down.

He checks under his Speedo and gives a thumbs up.

Arnold moves on to a private alcove.

Here's my real pride and joy.

He presses a button on the wall.

A sliding door opens, revealing a gleaming rectangular metal box.

For years, man has been poisoning his body with unsafe chemicals in his mad quest for bulk.

Soon, the madness will end with my new, totally safe, anabolic bulk enhancer.

Wow.

And man will finally realize his dream to go from this.

He refers to a photo of an enormous bodybuilder with bulging muscles.

To this.

He refers to a photo of the same bodybuilder doctored to look three times as muscular.

It's a truly disgusting sight.

Oh, my God.

Nice.

Unbelievable.

So beautiful.

The shiny muscles.

I love it.

Let me touch you.

It comes as a cracker.

That was a classic Conan joke.

I love that.

It comes as a cracker.

Arnold opens the metal box, revealing rows of round crackers.

Franz reaches for one.

Arnold slaps his wrist.

Not yet.

The crackers haven't been perfected.

Now, let's go.

And remember, don't tell anyone.

They leave the alcove and are intercepted by Howard.

Arnold, I know you have guests, but...

Right.

Fellas, this is my agent, Howard.

Hello, girly man.

Nice to meet you, flabby person.

Howard gives Hans and Franz a look.

They smile oblivious.

I remember we would get so excited about jokes where it was very flat.

Him talking about all that wondrous thing and then saying something like,

It's a cracker.

It comes as a cracker.

Well, that was totally your joke.

But just the idea that then Arnold has to say cracker.

Cracker!

The great Arnold word.

Hearing the real Arnold do this would have been just incredible.

Yeah, we would have done anything just to have the table read.

Arnold would have been, is going to be when we remake it, so funny in this movie.

Because the visual gig through the house, that whole thing plays so well.

Oh, no, there was a whole scene.

Remember the scene where Arnold's on the phone and he's doing like,

he's multitasking, he's doing like 20 things at once and controlling.

Because he was such an enormous star.

Yeah.

At this time that we were able to just exaggerate not only his fame,

but also his just like, he was like a superhero within the movie.

Yeah.

We had lunch with him at, was it?

Shotzi's.

Shotzi's.

To talk about this movie.

Yeah, we had one meeting with him.

And I'll just set the table, which is down in Venice.

There was a restaurant called Shotzi's that I think Arnold owned.

He bought it for his mother.

Yeah, and it was, you could get like Austrian food there.

And you know, just as a side note, I think who used to sometimes frequent that little area,

it was sort of an outdoor kind of mini mall area.

And Shotzi's was there.

And I later heard from Rick Ledwin that Johnny Carson used to go there.

And he would meet Johnny Carson at that same place.

Rick would meet Johnny Carson at Shotzi's?

Yeah, at Shotzi's.

What's on the appetizer list?

But you know what?

This is what I heard from Rick Ledwin, a good friend of ours going back years on SNL and the Late Night Show.

He said that he was having one of his meetings with Johnny Carson, who was retired,

but like still just this huge legendary figure.

And he's sitting there at Shotzi's with Rick Ledwin.

They're having a lunch.

And Arnold came by and it was a whole thing like,

We miss you, Johnny.

You know, it was all about you've got to come back on television.

And Johnny was looking over at him.

Oh, thank you very much, but I'm having a good time on my boat.

I think he's having a good time on his boat.

Leno, how did you get here?

Well, should I?

What are you bothering Johnny for?

Leave Johnny alone.

You don't tell Johnny what to do.

What are you doing?

Leave him alone.

Did he come out of the heat vent he was listening in?

Yeah, I'm everywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just in the kitchen.

I went to that place once.

I met him there once without you guys.

Arnold?

Yeah.

And at the end, he's like, OK, time for cigars and schnapps.

And he had a cigar cutter.

And then you had to do a shot of schnapps.

You have to do it.

At the end of a meal.

It's like exclamation time.

So we should talk about this, because we did have a meeting with Schwarzenegger.

Yes.

We all went.

And I remember there was some other people there, too, obviously, some agents.

Normally, you'd have Austrian friends around, like big guys.

Really?

Yeah.

In this case, it was just agents and things.

Yeah.

And I don't remember having any interaction with them other than, hi, fellas.

I mean, I think he talked to you guys.

We sat at a table.

Yeah, we sat at a table.

But I'm saying, I don't remember him talking about Junior.

I remember the first thing he said.

First thing he said, you guys have gone crazy with the Patek's opening and closing.

I remember.

He had read it.

He had read it.

Or at least enough of it.

But he mentioned that.

He was excited at that point.

And then he was just telling us about his other projects.

Yeah, I'm going to be, I play a pregnant guy.

And it's really touching and heartwarming.

You know, because I go through and I understand what women go through.

And the comedy is because the man, you know, traditionally doesn't have a belly from being pregnant.

Exactly.

I like that he gets into it.

Because a man doesn't have a uterus.

You see.

He does not have ovaries or uterus.

You know the thing that you use to urinate?

Yeah.

That's what, women don't have that.

Men only.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Even the child has a six-pack inside.

My six-pack would crush the child.

Is there any chance Arnold, like three months from now, is driving down the road listening to this?

Sure.

Yeah, it's funny.

You know, maybe we go back and revisit it.

My dream would just be for him to do a live reading with us and just do it for charity.

Or for us.

Or for us, just for money.

Or we say it's for charity.

We say it's for charity and then we pocket the money.

Yeah, yeah.

I've done that many times and people rarely look into it.

They don't know.

There's no forensic audit.

That's a lie.

Steve Martin had a great joke.

Steve Martin did a charity.

He goes, congratulations, you've raised $500,000 minus my salary.

So that's $200 for the kids.

Oh la dee, oh la la dee, oh la la la dee, oh la la la dee dee oh.

We mentioned earlier this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie, Strays.

We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor.

Now, Sona, I understand that you and Blake got an early screening of this movie.

Yes.

Tell me, what did you think?

Oh, I loved it.

Absolutely.

It was awesome.

I miss raunchy comedies.

This is a fun, raunchy comedy.

It's really actually laugh out loud funny.

I saw the trailer, which looked funny.

They're using live action dogs.

Yes.

But with great comedy personalities doing the voices.

Yeah.

Will Ferrell plays the main dog.

Yeah, then Jamie Foxx.

Yeah.

Is great.

Isla Fisher, who's really funny.

Randall Park, who's incredible.

And Randall Park, who's awesome.

And they're like the four.

They're the core dogs.

And Will Forte is in the movie as Will Ferrell's owner.

Yeah.

And Will Forte is just a total douche.

That's such an asshole.

And Will Ferrell plays this character where he kind of is an innocent, like, oh my God,

he loves me.

Yeah.

But clearly, Will Forte does not love his dog at all.

Yeah.

And it was, oh my God.

It's also really smart.

Some of my favorite jokes are like, at one point, one of the dogs goes to the other dogs,

hey, you guys want to hear a knock-knock joke?

And they go, yeah.

Yeah.

And she goes, knock-knock.

And they all start barking.

Which is really good.

And there's this whole thing about the theory that Jamie Foxx's dog has about humans.

That they collect all the dog shit because they make it into chocolate, which is why

they won't let dogs eat chocolate.

Yes.

It's really great.

So yeah, Blay likes all the smart humor.

I like all the poo-poo pee-pee jokes in it.

And there's a lot of that.

And it's really, really funny.

Well, it's not a kid's movie.

It is rated R.

No.

No.

Not a kid's movie.

Not a kid's movie.

It's great.

But it is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street.

Yes.

It's important to remember.

It's great.

I'll repeat again.

The movie stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Parks.

Good cast.

Check out Strays, only in theaters August 18th.

These dogs don't give a sit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

I get it.

All right.

We're going to go back to it now.

And here we go.

Interior, Arnold's house.

Kitchen.

Ah, what are you fellas cooking?

Glutzen schatzel.

Yeah, we figured it was our last night.

Glutzen schatzel?

Franz pierces a piece with a fork and timidly offers it to Arnold.

Arnold eyes it cautiously, then tastes it.

My God.

It's just how I tasted in the old country.

Arnold, how come you never talk about the old country?

It's not the most pleasant memory.

Believe me now.

Let it out.

I was a happy child, but it wasn't easy for my family.

Dissolve to exterior, the old country marketplace 30 years ago.

Poverty-stricken villagers exchange sparse items.

Some children are lifting tiny weights.

It was during the war.

Food and weights were hard to come by.

Families struggled to stay pumped.

Which war was it, Arnold?

Who knows?

The war.

So many.

Dissolve to water's edge later, young Arnold, age 15,

with flowing locks in lederhosen hugging his family.

I loved my simple life,

but I was too massive for my family to support.

So in desperation.

Exterior, ocean.

Later, young Arnold floating in a giant bottle across the ocean.

They sent me to the States.

The only way they could afford to.

Promising they'd join me later.

Exterior, Ellis Island.

Day, young Arnold online with tons of other immigrants.

Still, I felt abandoned.

And then, on Ellis Island, I was humiliated.

Young Arnold steps up to the immigration booth.

They shortened my name.

A rude clerk is in the booth.

What's your name, son?

Arnold Schwarzenegger Schlatzen Krausenjammerstein.

Okay, forget it.

Now you're Schwarzenegger.

Young Arnold is stunned.