Why Is Your Poop a Rainbow?
2024-06-13 00:20:34
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hi, can you hear us Pam hey?
Hey Pam.
How are you?
Great, great, I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't be sorry, let's explain, let's explain to people listening that we've had some technical difficulties.
And can't say, Was it our end? was it your end?
We could blame it on me, that's totally fine.
I was going to, Yeah, totally, our equipment's fine, you screwed this up, Pam, but I don't blame you because I'm tech phobic.
And also it might not even be something you did, you might have been have something wrong with the technology over there.
I don't know, I can't explain it, but here I am.
The important thing is, you're here, we're all happy. Where are you calling from? Where are you in this wonderful world?
I'm in Farmington, Connecticut.
Where is Farmington?
It's like, right in the middle of Connecticut, next to Hartford, sort of.
I know Connecticut well, I really like Connecticut, that's a good state.
And tell us a little bit about yourself, What's your jam? what do you do?
So yeah, I like, lived in Connecticut my whole life.
And I.
Sometimes you should leave, occasionally, you know what I mean. You should see what a man looks like when he doesn't have a sweater tied around his neck.
You know?
Because there's a whole thing I will say, that's Greenwich, Connecticut.
There's a lot of living in Connecticut.
All right, I better step back, but I went too far.
No, no, no, I was going to say, so, I work for poison control, hello, that's my job.
And sometimes like.
I love.
I'm fascinated, I'm serious, I'm not kidding, I'm fascinated by poisons.
But you said that like you were turned on or something, yeah.
Well, I'm not going to say I'm not. How about that? I find no. I'm very interested in poisons.
And I'm.
This makes me very happy. Pam, tell me about your work with poison control. Do you work on a hotline? mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, Yes, so there is a poison control number, it's a national number.
Should we give it?
1-800-222-1222.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm and good.
That might save.
That might so easy, but also that might save a life you never know.
Yeah, that's cool, so tell us, yeah, yeah.
You're sitting there and you get the call and tell me about these calls. Mm.
So it really ranges from really anything like from a kid ate play-doh to intentional.
Overdoses where people are trying to harm themselves, or people foraging mushrooms outside and picking the wrong kind and getting sick, it really ranges.
Am I correct? Okay, so you said a couple of things you said, you said, if a kid eats play-doh, that's not so bad, right?
If a kid eats a ton of play-doh, that might be an issue, but some play-doh probably not a problem, correct?
So that's one of our favorite things that we say in toxicology is it depends just on the weekends. It very much depends on the size of the person, their past medical history, how much they ate. It depends on so many things. But you're right, Play-doh, luckily, tastes bad enough that people don't usually go to town on that.
You know what I mean, so why were you asking so much about the play-doh?
I know.
Do you eat play-doh?
Let's just say there was a period of time in my youth when I was a child.
Last week, my brother Neil tended to get most of the food, and sometimes I had to forage in the arts and crafts area of the third grade. And let's just say the teacher was like, Where's all this play-doh going?
And then your mom at home was like, Conan, why is your poop a rainbow?
Oh, pam.
Oh pam, oh pam pam brought it.
I love how you can see her pause between words, thinking, Should I, should I, should I?
I'm glad you did, I'm glad you did, you went for it and I'm proud of you. And now my mother knows because she didn't know. So what about? I can't believe people would forage for mushrooms and rely on their own ability to tell which is a healthy one and which is one that will kill you.
So you'll have people call up and say I was in the woods. I needed some mushrooms. I grabbed a bunch that looked okay, but now I think I'm dying. Do you get those?
Okay, so, yes, yes, so I will say the ones that usually make the mistake, it's they're in the hospital at that point.
I see with like, abnormal labs and then come to find out. You know, they had foraged some mushrooms. But then I will occasionally get the caller that's like, I found these mushrooms and you know, I think they're good to eat. And they're like, hoping we can identify, you know, like, can I eat this?
And I'm always like, I cannot identify what you know with 100 certainty, so I would say, don't eat it. And then we also get little kids that ingest mushrooms as well, which I always think is interesting, you know, because I can't get my kids to eat a mushroom on a good day from the grocery store.
Yeah, my kids still won't eat them, my kids still will not eat a mushroom.
Have you tried play-doh?
Yeah, we make, I make them out of play-doh and they gobble them right up.
So okay, so so most of these things, what are the most I'm saying is there? I'm just going to come right to the point because I don't know how else to ask this. Is there a poison that you've come across that's untraceable by a coroner?
Oh, odorless, tasteless. What's the best of the poisons for? Well, I'm just going to say, for murdering, you know?
Yeah, I mean, you know, back in the day, arsenic was the thing, but now they can tell.
Yeah, now they could.
Yeah, now they can, they can.
Used to be, they couldn't tell, but now they can tell with arsenic.
What about Ricin?
Remember in Breaking Bad?
Yeah.
That was their go-to.
Ricin That might be a good one.
Digitalis.
Oh so, that's interesting, we could test for that as well.
You can test for digitalis.
You can, yeah. And you would see an elevated potassium level in the blood work, and they'd be like, hmm, a cardiac dysrhythmia and a high potassium. You were murdered, I don't know, yeah.
Yeah.
So.
That's why I always go back to just cut the brake lines, okay, because if the car goes off a cliff, it's very hard to tell later on. Especially if there's a fire, if the brake lines were cut or were they severed in the fire.
Should we be taking an Uber home today?
No, no, no, no. You should both get in your car, Matt, and you should drop, because you're both headed pretty much in the same direction. And you know what, you might be running a little late, so I'd go heavy on the gas, really, gun that thing.
You'll be all right. Uh-oh, uh-oh. yeah, so okay.
So do you get calls from people who've ingested too many gummies or whatever they've done too much of a recreational drug and they're freaking out?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, definitely. I had that recently, where, yeah, this guy called for his brother and three of his friends. And they had taken a whole bunch of edible marijuana the night before and they were still feeling super, super high. And it is kind of nice because I can tell them just some things they could do to maybe feel better. And maybe save them all. A trip to the emergency room, which will save them money and the ER.
You know what I mean? Yeah, long run.
Also, what they want then is reassurance. I would guess, right, I'll tell you a story. I was riding my bicycle not far from my house. I have a mountain bike and I was going to head up this trail and I was headed towards the trail.
And this is a bunch of years ago. But there was like a van parked on the side of the road and I, just as I was driving by. I thought I heard help me and I wasn't sure, so I doubled back. And it was two kids that had parked up there, taken a lot of mushrooms and to trip out, and they were freaking out.
They were having a bad trip and it wasn't going well and they were freaked out. And I had my helmet on and my glasses, so I didn't, and they were totally messed up. So they just thought, Oh, this is Joe Blow going by. So I said, you know, first of all, I said, give me your keys, because I was worried they were going to try and drive, so I got their keys. And then I just called 9-1-1 and just to have someone come by because I didn't know what to do.
And the cops came by and the cop said, Oh, this happens all the time. Kids come up here all the time to get high, freak out and we end up coming up here. But I then they said I could go, and then, because my helmet and my glasses had come off by then, the cops were chatting me up about, Oh, hey, Kona, I'm like, Oh hi guys, whatever.
And then I, they said, you could, I could go, so I left and they were just going to stay with the kids until they were okay. And uh, but then I later found out that they. They told the kids that I was the one that they flagged down. And the kids that narked them out, that narked them out. Yeah, and the kids were like, we're going to fuck again.
No, the kids thought they were, no, no, they didn't get in trouble, they didn't get in trouble. What they did was not illegal. I don't think, especially here in California.
Um, you were right to do that to keep them safe, but you still narked them.
But also I kept the car keys and later I went back and I took the van and I sold it.
Yeah.
And then I cut the brakes and I gave it to Gorillaz.
I got I got too high once at Disneyland.
At Disneyland.
Yeah, I thought, I was, I thought.
Was this the time where you thought that the pirates from the Pirates of the Caribbean were going to come out of that fortress and into your boat?
They were coming out of the fortress, I thought that we were taking a boat into a battle.
I have an idea, you're right, that's, I have an idea. I have an idea. Just to just to test out what it's like to call the poison control.
Pam, I'm going to have Sona is on, is calling you right now, and she's going to describe her situation. She's at Disneyland. But she's going to give you all that information. So you make the call and you, you pick up, uh, Pam, if you would.
Ring ring.
Okay, uh, hi hi.
I think she would, I think she would start by saying poison control.
Let's try it again and three, two, one go, pam.
Poison control. This is Pam, Can I have your name? I think it's Sona.
I think it's Sona.
I'm in right now, I'm at Disneyland, I'm on the Pirate Pirates, the Caribbean Ride.
I can't be completely sure, but I'm pretty, I think, I think I'm going into battle and I'm not prepared for it.
Oh, okay, so is there anything that you've eaten or drinking out of the usual?
I took, I took about a hundred milligrams of cannabis edibles.
Okay, okay, yes, that is a lot.
That is a lot.
Hey, I'm goofy.
How are you?
You want a photo?
You want a photo with Goofy?
Get the fuck away from me, goofy.
And I'm the real goofy. Can you believe that impression?
That's shit.
I'm goofy that's had some larynx cancer and I had an operation, and I think it's wrong of the other goofy to make fun of me. We all have a doppelganger around here.
Here's a knockoff mickey.
I've also had problems I smoked for years. I love Minnie Mouse.
Listen, I'm so high. What you're going to do is just not be in a ride right now.
PAM We're kind of busy over here.
Get a snack.
I sound like Harry Carrey now.
You're probably hungry, right? I'm so hungry.
I've already eaten seven personal pad pizzas, and I just feel like I just need to eat more.
That's OK, yeah, you can have a snack, you need to just go somewhere, not a ride, get a snack, drink fluids and you're going to feel better in a couple of hours, you will.
Can I sleep on this park bench?
If Disney will allow it, that's another question.
If Disney will allow it, the answer is usually no. You're a goofy impression.
I'm sorry, yeah, what the fuck was that?
I told you that was a guy who played goofy successfully for a while and sounded accurate, and then I'm sorry. He had a large nodule in his larynx, which that turned out not to be benign. But why? And they removed it.
Why is he still working at Disney?
He needs to eat, this is what he does. Hey, and you try firing someone from their job because they had cancer surgery? OK, so no, Disney did the right thing.
Let's talk in the park.
This one insists on it because he's trying to make a little extra dough so he can help pay off the operation. Hi, I'm goofy.
Don't smoke, Hey kids, don't smoke. What is goofy telling? I'm Canadian? I'm from Ottawa.
Yeah, don't smoke pam. This got real stupid, real fast. I'm going to say some things. First of all, yes, I love her manner, she is very.
You would calm me down. And I think I have a tendency I'm a compulsive, I either don't eat or I eat. Sona will back me up on this.
I eat compulsively. Oh yeah, I'll shove a whole pizza into my face. And I could see myself calling Pam, just to say I just ate half of a Harrington's ham and I drank three. Guinness and and and need to be talked down. I wouldn't take a poison, yeah, but I would do the Irish thing of stuffing way too much bad stuff in my face.
You're going to call Poison Control and be like, Can I please talk to PAM?
Get me Pam, or I don't talk to anyone, and if I die, it's your fault.
Yeah, do you have an extension, Pam?
Yeah, Pam, how do I make sure I just get you?
I do, but they go off of like, where your Zip code is, so you guys would get the California. Oh, they're the worst, but they're all lovely there.
Hey man, nothing, I haven't smoked, man. No, I'm telling you, I really think I'm dying. Hey man, we all move on to the next plane. I don't want to call the California poison control.
Yeah, that's a pretty good goofy.
That's my goofy, yeah. Hey man, shoot Donald Duck, he's a cool cat.
I will say that, like we are at poison control. Very part of the job is being like, levelheaded, yeah, you know, despite whatever, because people call in very, very nervous.
And so, like, job number one is to be like, be calm, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But also exude calm, because if people are on a serious note, if people are worked up, they're probably processing whatever they ingested more quickly. If people have to be calm and think, you know, and that's why I, I sincerely think you have a great manner, you have a great, you know, personality for this. Like, you talk to Sona when I mean. She was high, she was at Disney World, Disneyland, and she was being attacked by several goofies, three of them that had had some sort of tracheal surgery.
And you handled it like a pro. I thought you did amazingly well. How many kids do you have to? How often do you use your poison control expertise with your own kids twins?
You have twins a lot, Sona has twins, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I do. it's exciting. Yeah, yeah, I think I do remember, yeah.
How old are your twins? They are going to be eight in August.
So, oh my god, OK, you're further down the road. Sona's are only almost.
They're going to be three in July, yeah.
Oh, that's a rough age, for sure. Yeah, yeah, I do it gets better.
How soon? But there's that age where they just eat anything, they just swallow.
And they're in opposite directions. And yeah, yeah, so it was. It was convenient when they were, like, three.
I kind of knew what to worry about and like, what not to? And yeah, and now that my kids are older, they're, you know, in second grade. I tell them because I get school nurse calls too of like, Dares and kids, you know, it's their job to be stupid.
And they just do really dumb stuff. And I just tell the kids like, don't like. They have these really spicy chips that kids eat to, like, see who could handle the spiciest thing? And I'm like, don't do it, just say no.
You know, yeah.
But the problem is, I'm a full grown, full ass, mature adult. And I went on hot ones, right? And I went out of my way to ingest as much poison as I could, just because I thought it would be funny. Yeah, so I am no more mature than a four year old boy.
But it was funny. Oh, I got my laughs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it was worth it, it was worth the physical pain.
Yeah, no, no, you, as long as you laughed, I'm happy.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Yeah, sometimes the trade off might be worth it, you know, I guess you got to weigh that, but you know?
Well, Pam, you are a so funny poison control person, but you're a ray of sunshine, which is, Oh, you really are. Yeah, it's very nice talking to you and I am going to request you.
I'm going to request you when I call.
I might travel to her city to take poison.
Here's what I'm going to do. No, I'm going to take the poison accidentally. OK, realize, Oh, this is a problem.
Immediately book a flight, OH, to New York, have a car waiting that will drive me to to Southington, Connecticut. And then from there, I will call. And I will say, I will only speak to PAM, and they'll say she doesn't work. Thursdays, Oh, and then Pam, I'm coming to your house.
Yeah, all right, so nice talking to you.
Yeah, so nice talking to you too.
Take care, take care, everybody, bye bye.
Take it away, Jimmy.
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