#599 - ROSEANNE

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Woo.

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Oh my god.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Woo.

We did it.

The Queen.

Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, this shit is about to fucking go down. Roseanne Red Band and us and cigs. she's got cigarettes, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, it's so fun, I can't believe how fun it is.

Really.

I swear it's so fun. Everyone is like we were up in the green room, you know, and, like everyone, out of breath. Six steps is hard for an old woman. But well, everyone who came through that door, well, they were weirder looking than the one before them.

A bunch of fakes and phonies out there in L.

Well, you see a lot of people that they can't make any emotion on their face because of the botox and whatnot. You know, that kind of thing. But it's so great to see people with lines on their face. I am so happy to see it. Thank you.

Hell yes, Roseanne. Luckily I am a bucket filled with fucking weird looking people. Why with lines on their faces?

Oh boy, well, you know, I just have to say this, like I told you, you know, I know, like, I'm, you know, I don't punch down. That's one thing. I think. comedy that punched down sucks ass.

Okay.

So I'm really famous and rich and talented and gorgeous, so I am not going to go criticize somebody who's just starting out. So I think the better thing for me is to be the motherly voice of encouragement and honesty. Like, you know, like a mom to the person, you know, see what I'm saying. So that's how I've chosen, because, you know why people I swear to God? I think there is a war between good and evil, I do.

I love it, I love it. We'll play a little good cop, bad cop here.

This is hans kip.

This is hans kip.

Hey, what's up? It's good to be here in Texas with all the survivors of the winter storm.

Yeah, doing good.

I recently saw a group of blind people walking around. I was like, What's the point of that?

Hell yeah, hans kip.

I said, a group of blind people.

A group of blind people, How many of you, by round of applause, heard blind people?

Okay.

How many of you, by round of applause, heard Black people? Yeah, it's like a weird sound thing in this room. I'm sorry the Black people thought you said black people, by the way, which counts for a lot. That's all that really matters.

It's amazing Tony, thank you again.

Whoa?

It's like, before I was like, come on, everyone listen to me, and now everyone's listening to me. I'm like, Oh shit.

Yeah, blind people are wild. I love it. Anything crazy happen in Philly or Boston or anything.

Well, you know, I was on stage and a 52 year old nurse decided to jump on stage and kiss me.

Whoa, wow.

So that's a thing that happens.

Okay, Roseanne Barr, this is your first time seeing Hans Kim. I do believe. What are your thoughts?

Is it the first time I've seen you?

No, it's not.

No, it isn't.

Oh, that's right, you brought her up here.

Yeah, I was the one that introduced Roseanne. It was an honor. It was an amazing feeling to introduce someone and get applause for saying their name.

Yeah, it's good to see you, Roseanne. So good to see you.

You're so funny.

Thank you.

You're so funny, your stuff is so well written, too. God. It's so great to see a good, you know, a comic who writes good material. Congratulations.

Thank you Roseanne. Boom, keep going. What a way to get the show started. Another new minute by Hans Kim.

This is Rama.

Here we go, the kill tony debut of Rama Ladies and Gentlemen.

Hello, good night everybody.

All right.

So because you guys asked, let me tell you about myself. Everything I own is black, my room is painted all black, all my clothes are black. I got two black cats.

Rama everybody, thank you. I love it. what an interesting name, Rama.

Rama Yeah, yeah.

Rama What is that?

I guess it's from the Old Testament, it means the word of God.

Oh, wow.

Pretty serious. You would think the word of God would have more punch lines than a 60-second set. You would think. So, I guess God isn't quite as funny as we all hoped for.

Rama He's trying his best.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I started kind of during Covid.

Okay.

Yeah, things got weird.

I could tell by your timing, you're used to empty rooms of sick people, so it's very good. I can tell the Covid starters when they get in here, definitely, I love it.

I started in Denver, I was there for a little bit, did it a lot in Ohio, Dayton, that kind of area, but everybody's kind of weird around there, so....

Roseanne also started stand-up comedy in Denver. The only difference is she has talent.

Anyway.

So Rama, let's talk about.

I am a Dj.

Ooh, music producer Wow, oh my goodness, right when you couldn't be any more unlikable.

That's what I've been going by, yeah.

You go by Rama. Mm-hmm. not okay.

Not DJ Rama No, it's kind of wack, I wouldn't do it.

Just Rama.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm guessing all bar mitzvahs.

Or.

Who hires a rama for their?

Not many people. Honestly, okay, it's kind of weird.

How do you make a living doing it if not, a lot of people do that?

I also sue a lot of people.

Okey-dokey, that's we have to, and we'll be right back after these messages. What do you sue people for?

I can't disclose that.

Okay.

I will, I will. I mean, I would if I could, I signed agreements and all that stuff.

Okay, you sue a lot of different people for different things.

Just at airlines most.

All right, but you can't talk about it.

Can't talk about it.

It's still.

Oh, it's closed, case closed.

It's a closed case, but you had signed an NDA, you can't talk about it, correct? yeah?

About $694,000 less than that.

Yeah, it's a gift, it's a fucking gift. We don't play price is right rules either. I was off by $6,000 fucking dollars.

Oh man, I'm gonna get in trouble.

You're okay, just don't fucking sue us afterwards.

They broke my DJ gear, right? well, they lost it and then broke it. And then I was like, No airlines cover anything with their policies, basically like, fuck you unless you're disabled. So I wore an eye patch.

Oh my god, yeah, that's a horrible idea for you to talk about this right now.

Thank you, Redman.

I did it for the laughs. D-madness is fucking pissed right now. All right, you got a fake eye patch on this fucking guy.

I had a contact, too that made it all blurry and stuff like that.

Just underneath in case.

Roseanne laughed That's funny.

Roseanne's finally laughing at you. It's so fucking hilarious.

I love it, thank you Roseanne.

Best friend of mine sued, she made a living suing corporations, too. Because you really can do it. Everyone should look into it, and she was a trans, you know?

Dee, What the fuck is going on, dude? It's a fucking live podcast going on. Who the fuck has to pee eight minutes into the show? By the way? What the fuck? I didn't know.

What is going on here?

So then she sued because they said they didn't want a woman with a penis to do their massage, so that's discrimination, right? So she sued and she won. Like, you know, the six upward of, you know, big time six figures. So I think it's great when people sue big corporations for whatever they can get.

Because they're choking us fucking dry.

And they're trying to kill us with their fucking shots and whatever else they're trying to cram down on us.

Sue those fuckers, sue them fuckers till they're broke.

Oh my goodness.

Tony, Can I say something?

No.

Okay.

What do you want to say?

Funny enough, I found out about the show about a week ago, honestly.

Okay.

I probably watched maybe four.

This is great, I'm glad I gave you the chance to say something that's great. I probably watched, Hold on, hold on, I found out about you three and a half minutes ago.

I've watched maybe 40 episodes or so since then.

Okay.

I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to stand up.

Thank you so much, Rama, thank you, thank you. Here's a little joke book there you go.

See, he's funny, he just has great material.

Yeah, yeah, exactly absolutely Roseanne.

I'm saying, you are real funny, you just have shit material.

There you go.

Go back to the drawing board. Boom and like that, the show continues with the great Roseanne Barr Motherfuckers. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Kaitlyn Kosas, Kaitlyn Kosas.

Hey hey.

Here she is, everybody, Kaitlyn Kosas.

Thank you, thank you, hi everybody.

I'm trying to get off of Instagram right now, that's my goal for 2023..

It's an app that gives me really low self-esteem because I compare myself to Instagram models. And I'm just like, Oh, I don't have what men want. I'm not small and cute and underage. Like, I'm never going to be good enough for Chris D'Elia, you know what I mean?

And I was like, Really, you love America's next top model?

Name three eating disorders.

Let's hear it.

All right, cool.

There you go, Kaitlyn Kosas, this is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, how's it going?

I started about a year and a half ago.

Where at?

New Jersey.

New Jersey Do you live here now? No, I'm visiting right now for the week.

I have a friend who lives in Austin, but I might come back for the summer. I mainly perform.

Have you enjoyed Austin since being here? Today's my first day. Ooh wow, what a start.

Yeah, it's been good. I got in at like 11 this morning, my flight was at 5 a.m. Haven't slept.

Perfect thank you. Sponsored by Adderall. Everybody, here we are.

I work at a daycare and I also work at a wedding studio, and I do like, like, administrative office stuff.

Okay, yeah, what do you love about New Jersey?

What do I love about New Jersey? I mean, it's a great commuter state. New Jersey is a great state to go to other states from. You can leave real easy.

Wow, yeah, okay.

Yeah, I mean, there's not much, there's not much to love.

I love it, okay, so what else about you? What do you do for fun? What's something exciting about the life of Kaitlyn Kosas?

I like to play piano.

How long have you been playing piano for?

On and off, since I was like, 12.

Roseanne grabbed her microphone.

Well, I want to ask her something, What do you like about comedy? Oh, I don't know.

I'm still trying to figure that out. I mean, I like writing and I like being on stage and performing, and it's really good for me, too to face some. I had some stage fright when I first started and it's really helped with that too. Just putting yourself out there.

How would the stage fright affect you exactly?

I would just get really nervous before shows, I would get really jittery and I would like stumble on my words and get all in my head.

I did that too. Yeah, how do you? How do you fight against that? How do you when?

The more you do it, the easier it gets. And remembering that it's just part of the process. You know, you can't get better if you don't try.

I wished that you would tell us more about you, you know, that's what I I felt, that you are funny and you have a lot to say. But I think an important thing about comedy is we want to know who we're hearing it from. You know what I mean, and I want to hear that from you and I think it will help you to go on there. And then, you know, drop a little here, a little bit more personal, and then drop another bombshell here, because I know you have some bombshells you want to drop. And you're capable of writing. And I hear it.

Do you have, let's let me ask, this year and a half?

I just want to say some, some more of us, getting to know who you are without will help us to get it.

Totally, no doubt, a hundred percent. That's great advice. Let me ask you this.

Like, what about your parents? I bet they were weird.

Yeah, exactly. oh yeah, yeah.

I can tell you had weird parents.

Yeah, there's a lot I could say about that. I mean, that's something that I'm still working on exposing and, like, writing about is more personal.

Going to therapy a lot for it, are you? Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Thank you.

Absolutely look at that. Literally the greatest female standup comedian of all time, giving advice to a year and a half in female standup comedian. How fucking cool do you have an innie or an outie belly button?

Just putting that out there.

There you go, what are you going to do?

That's good.

How'd it go? It went good.

I have a tape.

You are a disgusting pig, do you know that?

That's one of the things you got to deal with, though, you know, so you just got to.

Roseanne, what are you doing Thursday?

What?

He asked What you're doing Thursday if you want to do a spot on the show? That's so funny.

You know, the only thing that's been on me I found, to my dismay, when I went to the doctor, is my vaginal walls.

Oh my goodness.

So I'm out of the game, you know?

Out of the game, what did they say? What's wrong with them?

Well, they want me to go on the hormones, like all the other old bags of my age that are on the hormones. So they can, you know, have sex with a guy they've been with for 40 fucking years and can't stand anyway. Plump up the fucking vaginal walls there for that disappointment.

God damn right. I watch those all the time and my vaginal walls are strong as hell right now.

Well, I've had five children, five ungrateful little fucking bastards come through that, and so, you see, that takes a toll.

Damn right, Roseanne, you are amazing, Caitlin Coe says. Thank you for signing up for the show, Fresh off, fresh off your flight.

Hey, can I get a cocktail up in this motherfucker?

Hell yeah, we got someone working on that, we got a red wine, right cabernet on the way.

Listen, here I'm all about everybody being confident in their self, but you need to be fucking honest with yourself too. I've been hooking up with some plus size women as of late and I keep hearing this god damn term slim thick.

I'm not gonna lie.

Rihanna at the Superbowl was slim thick. No, she was fucking pregnant.

Oh my goodness.

Nothing but swagger, ladies and gentlemen, at a thousand miles an hour. Oh my goodness, look at that. That is, we just got to watch Covid get transmitted to the great Roseanne Barr.

Or chlamydia if you're not careful.

Oh my goodness, Uncle Lazer is wild. He will put your vaginal walls to the test, Roseanne, I promise my goodness, gracious.

I'm just going to keep saying four.

Okay.

I do math.

Did you go to school? Did you go to normal school? We know you're from the middle of Texas, the fields, the oil fields.

No, I was homeschooled growing up.

Oh my goodness.

And I got expelled from having sex with my teacher.

Relax, you are out of control.

Relax.

You are out of control. I did call my mom earlier and I was like, Yo, I'm sitting in the green room with Roseanne and she goes, Shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

And that is what Uncle Lazer's mom sounds like, by the way, that is an actual impression of Mama Lazer. She was at the stand up show that we did on New Year's Eve.

Yeah, and you picked her out of the crowd just by accident.

Picked her right out of the crowd, I go. I didn't realize Uncle Lazer's mom was going to be in the audience. I'm just doing random ass crowd work, flying through the crowd, and it was actually me, your mom, and I had no idea.

I put that on for her tonight. I don't do this often now. This is a relic, some would say.

Explain the meaning, or whatever it is, I can't even fathom.

Well, I just got it at a flea market, but it's special to my heart, you know what I'm saying?

Yep.

So growing up, my parents got in domestic disputes quite often. That's pretty obvious, you know? So, and when I was a boy, I used to just watch your television show while they were beating the fuck out of each other. You know what I'm saying?

Special.

Every single time.

You actually play, you have a harmonica.

It's in the truck. That lick is actually really hard to play. I didn't want to come up here and embarrass myself on some, That's a hard lick.

That would have been funny, though.

It would have been funny.

Hold on, some of the women from your joke are trying to go to the restroom right now, making a lot of fucking noise. Jesus Christ, don't make a big deal about it.

Yeah, make sure to flush and spray.

All right, Uncle Lazer, so we're finding out you were really homeschooled.

No motherfucker.

Wow.

So homeschooled.

How many?

43 and I was solilodictorian, I got a perfect score on my sats.

Special needs.

Gifted and talented is what they're saying, Gifted and talented red man.

Incredible Uncle Lazer, what else? is another fun fact? We'd be surprised to know about you, something we haven't talked about yet on this show.

You want to hear my weirdest sexual encounter? yeah, ever.

Roseanne's calling it off, You don't want to hear it.

All right.

So when I was 23, I was working in Ohio, like West Virginia area, right? Yeah, hell yeah, I am Ohio, you're from Ohio, right?

Yeah, but not that part.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Not the West Virginia part of Ohio. Gross Jesus fucking Christ lazer. You really know how to pick them?

Wheeling, West, Virginia. What a fucking place.

It's a slim, thick part of Ohio, oh god.

But I met this 40-year-old woman at the bar, She went to take me home and I'm like, Yeah, yeah, no big deal, whatever.

Oh my god.

This big carrot, not no baby carrot that you buy in a bag. I'm talking it got the green part on it. You know what? I'm saying, like, the hedge, and I walk out there and I'm like, Oh shit, it's going to get weird. I probably should go get a condom.

Oh, no.

And then I hear you didn't take your shoes off at the front door, and I sit up. And the little kid, her five-year-old son, is eating that carrot on that old man's lap.

Oh my god.

I climbed out of the window and left my boots. I haven't been back since, that's why I left Ohio.

Wow.

Buckeyes were like, carrot in your asshole and your son's going to eat it. Eyes, you know what I'm saying?

Wow, all right, all right. all right. Roseanne. What do you think about that story?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I think you're fighting a war inside.

Listen, Ms. Roseanne, I'm fighting a war every time I pee.

I think the devil has a hold of you, I think the devil's got a hold of you, boy.

Yeah.

You better get loose of that goddamn demon devil, because that ain't you, that ain't the real you, because I seen the real you. Now I'm going to tell you, true, all right, I see an innocent.

Holy shit.

And save the good people of this world and this country and everything else, and make them do right and save the kids and all that shit. I don't want to hear about your fucking dick and anybody's asshole.

Oh my God, the Queen has arrived.

To be fair, it was a carrot that was in her asshole. it was a carrot in her asshole, not my wiener.

People come into your heart and show you that what I say is true. And you'll make a turnaround and you will be really, really fucking excruciatingly funny. You'll tear the walls down, you'll talk about you and your inner fight, and it'll be hilarious.

Appreciate that, yes, ma'am.

I cannot believe it.

Perhaps the wisest, sagest advice that one could give to a guy that's already doing good. She's trying to figure out how to challenge you and expand you because you can handle that challenge and you can push yourself to new levels. And I fucking agree with Roseanne, I think you're both fucking right. It's fun to be funny, but she's challenging you to fucking try to push it to another level.

You're above the material you're doing, that's what I'm saying.

I appreciate that.

And that's what this show is all about.

Well, can I ask you one thing you're from Texas, right? and you're single, you ain't got no wedding ring on your finger?

No, I'm not from Texas, I'm from Utah.

I love mormons, too, but can I take you dancing? No, I'm a jew.

I'm a Jew from Utah, it was a hard place to be a Jew.

I just want to take you dancing later, I just want to spin you around.

You are a doll, you know? But I have two bad knees that I've got to get replaced, which is why I'm back on the road to raise the funds for.

Thank you, darling. thank you.

Have you been eating your carrots?

I'm so drunk, you have to forgive me, I'm drunk.

You're good, you're good. We're all a little bit drunk tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian, Luis Manra, Manara or Manra.

Luis Manra.

Or Manra?

Woo.

Here he comes, everybody, make some noise for Luis, everyone.

How's everybody doing? everybody good? Thank you, thank you.

Give me a second.

Damn, white women really do expire faster.

All women have big ass heads, man.

Trust me, y'all need to accept that women have big ass heads, man, it's pretty...

It's funny to me, though.

I saw her get kicked in the face one time.

It was me, but I told her, Don't move, man, women don't listen.

But yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I'm anti-semitic, and as soon as I figure out what that means, I'll let you guys know. So yeah, thank you guys, have a good one.

All right, Luis Monro, welcome, is it, Luis, Luis?

Luis Mexican.

Welcome. Yes, no, I know you're Mexican, Luis. There's no doubt about that. No reason to do a blood test or anything.

I want to say I started in around October.

Okay, there you go, October, how's it going? How does it make you feel?

Pretty good, honestly. I got chills from what you were saying earlier. I swear I got chills like that was beautiful, so just that.

Yeah, okay, Luis, this is a new part of the show. Let's keep it moving here. We know that was great.

Well, I technically started a little bit sooner, but it was just like.

What made you start then?

I came back from Thailand and it was just like, this is what I want to do. I left school.

So what happened in Thailand? That made you have this clear vision? So you have a lady boy's feet over her head, right?

Exactly.

Everyone said the exact same joke, Yeah, I know.

Because that's what you went there for.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

It was just a lot of writing and it was like during school. I was in school at the time and then I was just like, I don't want to do school anymore. So I was just writing every night, and to this day, I try writing every night, and yeah, now I'm here.

Okay, I like that. What do you do for a living?

Like I said.

Oh, you really do. Yeah, you work at Uptown Cheesecake? Yeah, everything. I talked about it.

Cheapskate.

Cheesesteak.

Cheapskate.

Cheapskate? Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ, we have to fix these monitors in this room.

I get a little slur when I'm nervous, too.

Jesus Christ, Yeah, what's that, a thrift store?

Yeah, it's like we buy and sell used clothes.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what do you do? You do that? You just buy and sell used clothes?

No, I just work on retail working, helping customers, dressing room, things like that, okay?

All right in the dressing room, sounds cool, that's creepy. What do you do for fun, Luis?

For fun.

I like going for runs, I'm new to Texas, like I said, so I'm like going into, like, Texas State because I'm living in San Marcos.

All right, holy shit.

Look at this, some fucking suburbanites out here, you guys are funny, man.

I got lost in there actually, because I was on my run, my phone died, the rain came down on me. But yeah, it's fun, fun little things like that.