#607 - SAM TALLENT

All right, Ben, I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile. After looking at them, Tony, they make the best jewelry around.

On Bluenile.

Com. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can ever imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile is the original online jeweler. Since 1999. They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that, in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside.

In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now. Get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com, plus use code TONY to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more.

That's $50 off with code Tony at Bluenile.

Com Bluenile.

COM Hey, this is Red Ben and you're listening to Kill Tony? Check out our website, Deathsquad..tv that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You could also click on tour dates and come see a live show.

I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can go to that website at sunsetstripatx..com. Come check out a show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. He's always on the road.

He's going on tour. Check out everything Golden Pony at Tonyhinchcliffe.com. Also Killmerch..com. that's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show.

You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to Killmerch.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You guys ready for a great fucking night tonight, or what?

Yeah.

Yeah, make some noise for Red Band. Everybody, hey everybody.

You're at Kill Tony. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose gel Blaster, available in stores everywhere. The Austin Security Guard Service The best goddamn security guards in the world are here in Austin, Texas. And Screwball peanut butter whiskey presents the Kill Tony band, everybody.

Motherfucking. Paul Diemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric.

And that's d-madness on the bass guitar.

It's going to be a fun one tonight. But before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, one of my favorite things about getting a box of awesome from Bespoke Post every month is how it sneaks up on you. You forget that it's coming, and then one day, boom on your front door. The best box you'll open all month, filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small brands around the world.

You'll never believe what I got this month. I got Carnivore, which is the American barbecue rub in the carnivore box, made by the Great American Spice Company in Rockford, Michigan. Real cool small business, real American companies. No matter what you have going on, this spring. Box of Awesome has you covered. From camping gear, essentials, cookout must-haves and drink game upgrades, Box of Awesome has collections for every part of your life.

Red Band Yes, I just got the cask. It comes with this cool little barrel, and each barrel is handcrafted from the American white oak, which has been charred. To create a smokier cocktail, you make smoked cocktails, Yum, delicious.

Yep, to get started, take the quick quiz at Boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is valued at around 70 bucks, but you only pay a fraction of that price.

Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90 of everything that comes in your box of Awesome is from a small, up-and-coming brand. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel any time. Get 20 off your first monthly box. When you sign up at Boxofawesome..com and enter the code KillTony at checkout, that's Boxofawesome.com code KillTony for 20 off your first box. Boxofawesome.com code KillToNy.

You know it, you love it, I'm telling you right now, you're not gonna believe this. But I flew in my mom from Youngstown, Ohio, today, and you know what she told me on the drive when I picked her up, she said. You know, the best gift you ever gave me was the Skylight photo frame, The Skylight Digital photo frame. It brings joy, joy on a daily basis.

Watching the photos cycle and seeing new ones come in, what a thrill. I send pictures, I update her, and the frame that she has of me sitting next to her bed on her nightstand shows pictures. We keep her updated, she absolutely loves it. It's a wonderful, meaningful gift that will give you a great way to stay in touch with those you love.

It's perfect for Mother's or Father's Day. It's simple and fun to use even if you're not tech savvy. No app or subscription required to send photos anytime from anywhere. Red Band Yes, especially for Mother's Day and Father's Day coming up. It's a great gift that makes you feel close to them, even when they're far away.

It's a gift the whole family can enjoy, anyone can send photos to that frame anytime, from wherever they are. It's a gift that keeps family members actively in touch. And besides displaying wonderful photos, your gift is also a gorgeous frame that adds a beautiful touch to any of your home. And 100 satisfaction guaranteed. If you don't love your Skylight frame, they'll offer you a full refund.

And now, as a special offer, in time for Mother's Day and Father's Day to get 10 off. That's up to $30 off your frame when you go to Skylightframe.com slash Tony, that's right. To get 10 off up to $30 off your purchase of a Skylight frame, just go to skylightframe.com. Slash Tony, that's s-k-y-l-i-g-h-t-f-r-a-m-e.com slash Tony. I'm telling you, here in Austin, Texas, the economy is thriving, business is booming, our squads are strong. And when starting a new business or growing one, if you want it to be successful, you need the most talented people on your team.

That's where ZipRecruiter comes in, and right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com. Slash KillTony. You should definitely choose ZipRecruiter to help you hire for your business because their powerful matching technology finds highly qualified candidates for a wide range of roles. ZipRecruiter also offers attention-grabbing labels that speak directly to job flexibility, like remote training, provided, urgent, and more. To really help your job stand out, let ZipRecruiter fill all your roles with the right candidates.

Look, I just got a new comedy clip. I should go here and get some employees, absolutely. And the mothership's booming and team Killtony is thriving. Yes, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself, go to this exclusive web address. try Ziprecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com. Slash KillTony.

Again, that's Ziprecruiter.

Com slash k-i-l-l-t-o-n-y because it's Ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire. Hey y'all, this week we're brought to you by freeze pipe. Smoking weed doesn't have to hurt your lungs. skip the coughing and burning with Freeze Pipe. The pipe comes with a detachable chamber that you pop into the freezer.

When you're ready to rip, the smoke passes through the frozen chamber, cooling things down by hundreds of degrees, so you get an ice-cold hit every time. Red Band We both grew up in Ohio. You remember going outside and taking your bong and scooping snow in it? Now you don't have to do that.

It's so easy. Nice freeze pipe is non-toxic, it freezes more quickly than water and stays frozen for longer. So the party never has to stop. I've been loving the tornado.

Bong It has twin turbine percolators that spin water in opposite directions, creating a mini twister inside. It even has a Z-shaped handle that's easy to hold and pass whether you hit a pipe, bubbler, bong or dab. They got them all, that's right.

So go to thefreezepipe.

Com and press in code ToNy to save 10 off your first order. Get your bong, pipe or bubbler today that's thefreezepipe..com and press in code Tony to save 10. If you can smoke from it, Freeze Pipe makes it. Hey y'all.

We want to take a quick second to thank one of our newest sponsors here at Kill, Tony. Ekster Wallets, and we love them. Ekster is known for inventing the world's first trackable wallet. And now they're on a mission to upgrade the rest of your carry essentials, they make sustainable wallets, bags and essentials that help you get more out of every single day. Ekster's wallets are super slim it's half the size of a conventional wallet, but carries over 12 cards and cash.

Red band. Each wallet has a quick card access at the bottom. With a click of the button. Ekster's signature trigger mechanism snaps up your credit cards in one second. It has RFID blocking it's standard in each and every wallet, helping to protect you from data theft and wireless skimming.

Environmentally friendly materials like vegan Italian leather and space grade aluminum keep Ekster sustainable. The solar powered track device lets you track your wallet's location from your phone. So if you ever lose your wallet, just get on your phone and find it immediately. With top of the line solar harnessing, two hours of sunlight equals three months of charge. Wow.

It's a no brainer. Go to Ekster..com and check out their full line of wallets, phone cases and trackable carry essentials and never lose your wallet again this month and next. Be sure to get over to Ekster.com and use code KillTony for up to 25 off. As this year's Mother's and Father's Day sales are kicking off, that's Ekster.com E-K-S-T-E-R.com promo code KillTony and make sure you never lose your wallet again. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Yeah, you guys can do better than that. Are you ready to fucking start this puppy pie?

You're never going to forget that you were here for the KillTony guest debut of Sam Talent. Everybody make some fucking noise.

You guys better get louder than that right now, thank you.

We are about to have fucking fun. This guy is a monster. His first time on KillTony, Running the Light is his book considered one of the great books of comedy and comedians right now. Waiting For Death to Claim Us is his special out on YouTube, free on Amazon Prime.

And Chubby Bohemoth is his podcast. Welcome Sam Talent to the show. Thank you very much for having me. We're going to have a lot of fun. This guy's got a vat of Miller Lite.

I like that we don't drink Bud light on this show anymore. I can't drink Bud light anymore. Because when I think about what they did, I get so fucking horny. It's true.

A lot of people have been asking me how I'm going to spend my money as the new spokesman of Bud Light. A lady with a dick shaped like the can.

Give me all of that, I'm pumped. Sam's first time on the show, but everybody knows how this works. Over 200 souls signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds of uninterrupted standup comedy time on this show. You know, their time is up.

When you're the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them. And hopefully they don't go that long. And then after that, I interview them for a while, we find out more about them.

The entire thing is improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Your first comedian is one of our regulars on the show. We have watched this guy go from literally homeless in a van, doing an obsessive amount of open mics, never getting paid for standup comedy. He's now rich, he sells out every weekend all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kemp.

This is Hans Kemp, this is Hans Kemp, this is Hans Kemp, this is Hans Kemp.

Bud Light has a new trans spokesperson, which makes sense because they've been transitioning to water for years now.

I don't understand that because bud Light is the most transphobic beer. Nobody's committing hate crimes on white claw.

When you drink Bud light, you want to hit something, you want to hit something weird.

But it's good to be here in Texas. I love Texas because I'm an incel and my hatred of women is disguised as traditional values.

You know, it's hard for me to get laid as an Asian man. Unless you're. If I'm straight, then, yeah, it's hard to get laid, but if you're gay, then it's hard to get laid. It's really easy, it's amazing how much more I can get laid, all with a little change in attitude. But yes, thank you guys.

Wow, a real trickle away there at the end.

Way to leave us all with a little taste of confusion in our mouths.

What were you trying to say? There? I was supposed to be like, you know, it's hard to get laid as an Asian if you're straight. Oh yeah.

That would have killed.

You got a long face, Hans.

It's all face, no eyes. It's crazy, It's true. Oh shit, it's true.

Your head's built like a fucking surfboard. It is incredible. I've never really noticed that before. It's nuts.

He's like four heads tall. How do you feel, Hans? I feel slightly body shamed.

Yeah, I like that representing Aviator Nation now. Normally, that's an expensive shirt you're famous for wearing free shirts. What is? How'd you end up with that?

I did a show at Aviator Nation and they gave you that shirt. Yeah, perfect. Then everything's right on schedule.

Yeah, this fucking show launches people to the top, getting paid in shirts.

Heck, yeah, so Hans, tell us what's been going on in your life this week. We've watched you go from broke and poor to thriving, and now the latest evolution of Hans Kim is that you're a drug addicted diva. That tells people what to do and is overtly commanding in green rooms and kind of like a bossy bitch type.

We've watched the full evolution in only two years. You were so appreciative of every spot, you were grateful. Before. Now people are saying that you're entitled explain some of this away.

Well, you know, sometimes in green rooms, you just gotta be like, Hey, I don't think Trump is the worst, you know? Sometimes people are like, nobody's complaining about that, nobody. We're worried about what you did to the waitresses in Tucson.

Yeah, no one has a problem with you thinking Trump's not the worst, we all agree with you there.

Actually, yeah, no, I don't know where this is coming from. I'd like to. How's the drug situation been going? I heard a rumor that you were caught chopping up lines of cocaine the other night at Vulcan Gas Company. Is there any truth to this?

You're doing coke. Did you pee in it first? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You can have that. What does that mean? You don't know, Pee, it's an Asian joke.

CoKE Pee Yeah, you're doing it again, I don't know. Yes, I got a little baggie of cocaine in a Phoenix. some guy handed it to me.

And I was just like, look at what I got, it's like a little toy to me, right? Yeah. So I was like sliding it across the bar, cutting it up on the table. I was just having fun.

I'm asking more about the snorting. It part of the bag of cocaine, because what we've heard of the slow evolution. When we met you, you didn't do any of these things. You were sort of like, you know, whatever, and then we heard that you were doing bumps of cocaine regularly. We talked about that on the show a couple months ago.

And then what I heard, literally, I'm like, I'm gonna bring it up, I don't ever bring these things up to you. In normal life, when we see each other and we're in green rooms and stuff, I save it for right now. Moments like this, when not only here in front of hundreds of people live, but perhaps millions of people will one day watch this.

The shock is, you don't know how to explain away the fact that I heard a rumor that you were chopping up. Not bumps, not little key bumps, not little cutie pie things I heard you were doing. Fucking lines with a credit card. lines, by the way, not line lines. Whose credit card was it?

Yeah, who peed on the credit card?

So tell us, is the rumor that I heard true? Yeah, totally. I did coke at the vulcan, I almost forgot about it.

I did it. My girlfriend is like a big coke conspiracy, Coke enthusiast. Doer. a doer of coke is what you're trying to. There's no conspiracy. Your girlfriend is a hot white girl that loves doing coke. She's levels above you in looks and you are just trying to keep up with her. And it is so fun to watch.

It is unbelievable. If she was doing heroin, Hans would be fucking doing a half a set of bud light.

I wanna hit something or something. I can't imagine you on heroin. Imagine his eyes more closed than they are right now.

So what do you do on a night like that? You're chopping up lines, you're snorting them up your perfect little nose, and then what happens? And then I go host a comedy show, just with a little more energy. I really don't like Coke that much, I just do it to look cool.

Right, yeah, I was gonna call her a Coke head, but I was like, don't call her a Coke head. She got mad at you last time. Instead, you said conspiracy theorist, coke user, you were like, she does cocaine, and also she denies the Holocaust.

That's a lot better, dude.

You sweet talker.

Holy shit, Hans, you are always so goddamn entertaining. I fucking love you. you're an open book. you are unbelievably entertaining.

I love these interviews more than anything in the world. You're so honest and real and autistic.

I love you so much, thanks for opening tonight's show for us. There goes Hans Kim everybody.

Hello, hello, hello. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile Guys. The road to getting engaged can be a long one and full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling, or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is a straightforward path. Every time, all you gotta do is head over to Bluenile.com.

Ben I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile. after looking at them, Tony, they make the best jewelry around on Bluenile.com. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can ever imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler.

Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999.

They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that, in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight.

Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now. Get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com. Plus, use code ToNy to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code ToNy at Bluenile.com.

Bluenile.

Com and to the bucket we go. It's gonna be Solomon. one word. solomon is gonna be first tonight. Hell yeah, very exciting stuff.

Really cutting up lines in the green room of vulcan guys. This is what it's evolved into. I have people every week saying, I saw your boy Hans doing this, I saw your boy Hans doing that, and it gets a little bit wilder every week.

I like to keep people in the know with Hans story because we watched him go from you know nothing to everything right. He had a plethora of material, he had 45 minutes or so when we met him. Here we go, your first comedian out of the bucket. tonight, we're gonna meet him all together.

It's his first time. It's Solomon, everybody, hi.

I go there and I find Uncle Tony's dick towering out of his grave. So me and Brian dig him up, turn him sideways, and this morning, Brian calls me again.

I go there and I find that all the dead were outside the graves and crying and yelling, and some even trying to kill themselves again. I asked one of them, I'm like, Hey man, what happened? He's like, what happened? We came here to rest in peace, not get fucked in the ass. That dick went through my wife's mouth.

Her jaw's broken look at her.

So we had to chop Uncle Tony.

Team Madness says he's fine, just how he is. Thank you. thank you, Solomon, Solomon, Solomon, Solomon. Holy shit. How long you been doing stand-up comedy?

First time, first time ever. All right, very good. Welcome, welcome. And what ethnicity are you?

Yeah.

Punjabi from Pakistan, Punjabi from Pakistan. Okay, incredible. I like the cowboy hat.

You're like Keith Turbin.

Always works Middle Eastern in a cowboy hat? I can't, I can't, ever not make that joke. You look like you love all kinds of oil oil, yes.

So how long have you been in America? 17 years, 17 years, so you moved here just after 9-11, huh?

No way after, okay, way after he got real serious on that.

I love it. What do you do for a living here? Now? I work as a dishwasher. Oh, very interesting.

Okay, at a regular restaurant, regular restaurant, it's a chain up on 35. How long you been washing dishes for?

Three months, three months. What'd you do before that, heart surgeon?

No.

I ran a bar in New York, I ran, I ran.

We got him.

Whoa?

It is incredible, this is fucking crazy. Yeah, it really is a wild plethora. It's like a mechanic up to the waist and then a jacket. A girl left in the restaurant that you work at, and then the hat just says, the fucking tourist.

Went in Texas. Yes, Tony, Okay, you got one too, right? It's hot topic, Jay Leno.

Those shoes are prescribed by a doctor.

You look either great or terrible. I can't tell, dude, what made you want to start stand-up comedy here now? Today? Live Revenge.

No, I was just having fun, just wanted to see you guys. Okay, so you know the show, yes.

And you prepared a minute. Is any of that real? You don't have an uncle? Tony? is any of that real?

Then one of them, like, got fucked or something, everyone got fucked. Yes, no one more than the audience.

Sam Motherfucking talent with two L's. Remember the name Solomon, my goodness? So tell us more about your life. Since all that was made up, I want to know something.

If you ever wanted to do this again, I want to come up with something about your actual real life. I want to know the real Solomon. What are you into? What do you like to do for hobbies?

I did hobbies. No, no, what are you talking about? They're like pursuits in your free time.

No, I did a lot of theater. Shakespeare Yes, you did. Shakespeare, Yes, wow.

Can you give us one of the lines that you did when you were?

How many of you want to see him act for a second?

Here, he is the first ever person to read a scene to do real acting at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. If he found out this was happening, he would cancel the show right now. Ladies and gentlemen, ooh, he took off his hat for this.

Here You Go, Shakespeare by Solomon.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun and kill the envious moon who's already sick and pale with grief. That thou her maid art far more fair than she.

That was actually a thousand times better than I thought it was going to be. Hell yeah, so you say that, and then you say that, and then you fly into the Pentagon afterwards, right?

It all ends in Allah, Allah akbar.

I like the head movement, Romeo dodging bullets.

Also, I don't want to be pedantic, but he did say he was Punjabi, so.

No, happy Ramadan to you sir. That is true, you have a girlfriend, you getting any blow jobbies or hand jobbies?

No.

Yeah, I.

No, no, not at all. No blow jobs. Yeah, no blow jobs.

Maybe a hand job here and there, though, it sounds like, no, wait, you're a dishwasher at a chain restaurant and you're not fucking the hostess, no.

He works from home.

Solomon Have you ever had a girlfriend you've been with a woman before? You're a good-looking guy, you have swagger, you have a beautiful beard, you've got a wild fashion sense.

Yes, wow, I had too much of it.

There you go, there you go. Solomon. That's a big one, that's the one you're going to remember in the morning.

You're going to be like, Oh, I killed it at that one part, and also the blowjob thing kind of scares me. Why this is going to be amazing, why?

No matter what you say right now, it's going to be so good. You see people get circumcised when they're like babies. I was about like nine years old, oh shit, when my mom just suddenly decided, like all three brothers needed circumcision.

What were you guys doing to each other? No, man. That's when she, like, she was scared when we were babies, so she was like, All right, all three of you at once.

Yeah, you guys were like, seven, nine and eleven. No, I was nine, was six. Works, no matter which way you say it. Yeah, so I had it chopped off, I remember.

So what's it like down there? Does it look like a fucking well? It's circumcised now, right, right?

I bet you got a little fucking magic carpet down there and everything right. Yeah, hell yeah, absolutely. So you're circumcised, you got circumcised at nine.

Do you remember that? is that something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the whole thing, yeah.

The build-up to it and then the hospital, and.

Did they tell you what was going to happen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. did they put you out for that? No.

You were awake? No, yeah, but they put like a local anesthetic. Of course, yes, thank God for that. The only way they didn't do that is if this was done in Pakistan.

Still, it was done in Pakistan. Oh my God, no a Pakistani circumcision. Holy shit. Yeah, it was not fun.

Yeah, I bet the whole summer was not fun.

Yeah, you live in the neighborhood, everyone knows about it, so all the kids are.

Can you go back? Ah, Yeah, nice, yeah, you shouldn't.

I'm glad you're here. I didn't know if you renounced your citizenship. Yeah, so the whole thing with the blowjob is that I can't. It seems like I have the trauma from being chopped off. So wait, they circumcised you with their mouths at that.

Pull it off. I didn't realize that's how they did Pakistani circumcisions. Solomon, I like your style.

I spent too long interviewing you. Congratulations on your first time. Here's a joke book that's from the Great Bonsai that's real Texas leather.

Thank you, very much, thank you. He makes these little joke books so good. There's little bombs on them, there's little steaming pieces of shit, they're very exciting.

How about one more time for Solomon? Everybody, come on, yeah, let the freak show begin, everybody.

Oh, Lucas McCrary, everyone, current door guy, a local legend here in Austin, Texas. This guy is a monster. He's killing it all around this club every single night.

This is truly one of those guys that, again, everybody's going to know he's been on this show multiple times. Very funny man. Make some noise for the great Lucas McCrary, everybody.

I am a straight white male.

No one thinks that about me, though.

No one thinks I'm a straight white male, everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican.

No, soy mexicano. I do feel like I have to come out as straight, my parents think I'm gay and I get it. I understand why, especially with this haircut, because this haircut screams business in the front. Cum on my back.

Here's the thing, though I was not born a boy, I was not born a boy.

I was born a man.

I was born a goddamn American man. I came out of my mom with regret. I was a fucking man. Dude, I'm done, thank you.

I love it. Another new minute from Lucas McCrary, a guy that truly is, you know, really in a great place working here. A legendary position here at the Mothership. With a bunch of fucking, a squad of freaks and monsters that are killing all over. How's it been going? Lucas? We've known you for quite a while now and you're in a very thriving position.

Tell us what it's like being a door guy at the mothership. It's great, it's great, I love it. Oh shit.

All right, I didn't realize you secretly hated it. No, I love it. I love it very much. Thank you for everyone.

No, I love it, it's great.

I believe it. Lucas, I'm sold, I love it. It's hard because it is taking up a lot of time, It's hard with all of my other things that I want to do.

I'm not able to, right. You run your own show, a very, very good show in this town. I've done it multiple times and I don't do a lot of other people's types of shows, but I love yours. It's always good, always sold out. Not easy to do.

It's what I recommend every comedian does is start their own weekly show. Thank you. Yeah, it sucks that working at this comedy club is getting in the way of pursuing your dreams of being a comedian, yeah.

I feel really bad for you, Lucas. I mean, right now you could be somewhere else, having an opportunity in front of. Well, it's getting in the way of the music, too, that I do. you do music. Yeah, I do.

I have a band. Well, we haven't been playing as much because comedy's thankfully been fucking kicking off. Yeah, I did not know this about you, I know this.

No one knows this about you. What type of band are you in? You play the fucking ukulele, for sure.

I play the heart strings, all right.

Quit wasting the a material in the interview.

Tell us about this band. What's the name of the band? It's called Dumpster Fire.

I don't know if you know this, Lucas, but we have a little tradition here on the show. We've never done this at the comedy Mothership before, We've done it all around the world. Oh, wait, are you fucking with me?

You play the drums, all right, well, that means there's only one thing to do here, and that's a Mexican drum off.

So here's how it goes. Here's what happens is that you do a drum solo and our resident drummer, Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo. If the audience decides at the end who wins, and if you win, you become the full-time drummer. On Kill, Tony and Michael has to be a door guy at the comedy Mothership.

Yeah, Michael has to live your nightmare, yeah.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, this is history, because not only have we never done this at the mothership, we've also never had a door guy at a club. Perhaps trade jobs with Michael Gonzalez in front of our very own eyes. Now, I must warn you, in the history of Mexican drum offs, a tradition that started many years ago with our only other drummer we've ever had, the great Joel Burke. Joel Jimenez. R..I..P. Yes.

He's in the graveyard getting fucked by Uncle Tony right now.

Nobody has ever beaten the resident drummer. We did not even know you played the drums. This is so exciting. I still feel like you're fucking with me. I feel like you've never played drums before, but I'm excited to see it.

Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight. Lucas McCrary everybody, this is a Mexican drummer only on kill Tony Hell.

Yeah, Yoni, get all the way in there. You can block these people's views. They can watch it on YouTube in a couple weeks. Ladies and gentlemen, this is history.

Are you guys ready to witness history?

Ladies and gentlemen, going first, I present Lucas McCrary.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Very bold, creative decision for Lucas to lie about his drum skills. Very interesting.

So you don't play the drums after all. Again. Interesting decision. Just for the fun of it, let's have Michael Gonzalez do a drum solo.

Or I could have D-Madness beat him in a drum solo. D. You want to do it real quick? Yeah, let's fucking go, let's go, let's go.

Why have Michael do it when you could have? Literally one of the greatest musicians in the world? A man who's played with Stevie Wonder, a man who's played with everybody in Austin, Texas, one of the great local musicians. Blind as a blind man could be on the drums. Ladies and gentlemen, this is d-madness.

Oh.

Oh.

So here's a special stipulation. All right, we told you before that they have to switch jobs. Now we are going to remove Lucas eyes from his skull in front of everybody.

Lucas They.

I finally get to say the n-word, I'm excited about it. Oh, that's true, you do get to technically say the n-word.

Lucas, you're a fucking legend around these parts. You just walked into a fucking chainsaw. Yeah, you fucking lied to an elderly, blind Black guy.

Yeah, he survived segregation, you know how hard it was for him to find the appropriate water fountain. It is true.

Oh, shit, a watch yourself from d-madness.

Lucas said that, sir.

Lucas McCreary Thank you. Okay, there you go back to work. He goes, Lucas McCreary, everybody.

In 2007, I fucked so many girls who look like Lucas.

Daniel Duan Daniel Duan is next double D. Daniel Duan is next on Kill Tony. You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Lucas definitely didn't know somebody tried that before and pretty much got food out of the hole. Very, very bold maneuver by Lucas, very interesting. He's going to get a lot of awkward looks from me in the next couple weeks because of that.

We see each other a lot around here. I'm just going to go like this every time I see him, really fuck with him a little bit.

Daniel Duan is next being pulled out of the alleyway with over 200 people. He's not here, not here. Oh, that's interesting.

Okay.

I should be doing an ad read right now in this dead time. Mariano D. Vincenzo, Mariano D. Vincenzo, a great name. We're going to see what happens here.

Sam Talen's book Running the Light, his podcast Chubby Behemoth. It's a funny motherfucker. Comedians All your favorite comedians love Sam Talen. That's an important thing to take note of. Your favorite comedians, favorite comedian.

How are the Lannisters doing you guys good? Make some noise for Mariano D. Vincenzo.

Yeah, I'm not even Mexican, but people tell me I am.

People ask me all sorts of Mexican questions I can't answer. Somebody asked me recently how I feel about Speedy Gonzalez being canceled for racist Mexican stereotypes. And as a person from Argentina, I think Speedy Gonzalez is a lot less racist than people asking me how I feel about Speedy Gonzalez.

That's weird, too, because this is actually true. I was a kid in Argentina and I'd actually never met a Mexican person before. I saw Speedy Gonzalez on TV. So it's kind of embarrassing to admit this, but as a kid, I thought all Mexicans were mice.

All right, thank you.

All right, Mariano D. Vincenzo, Okay, welcome to the show. You've been on here before, right? A very long time ago at Antones.

Yes, I remember your face. Very, very interesting. Yeah, indeed, you look like you play the haunted organ at Chuck e Cheese or something like that.

Incredible. Remind us how long you been doing stand-up. Mariano Three to four years, depending on if you count the pandemic. We don't.

You look fucking AI-generated dude.

Look at those hands, you do. you have an interesting look to you. Can you explain how you ended up like this? I don't know.

I'm Argentinian. Weirdly enough, my sister's white, which is very confusing. Nothing about you isn't confusing. Yeah, incredible. So what do you mean?

Your sister's white, she's white-white, she's white-passing. people say she's white, and they don't say I'm white. Who says she's white?

Black guys No, no.

Not that I know of. Does your sister live here in Austin? She does. Your whole family lives here. My family lives in Houston, but just my parents.

The rest of my family's in Argentina. Okay, so you and your sister moved down here together? We did not. we ended up here. What?

We ended up here by different paths. Oh, you guys weren't refugees, we were not incredible. What do you do for work, Mariano?

I sell Medicare products, yep.

What kind of products I sell? Insurance to old and disabled people?

Yeah, how do you end up doing something like that? I used to work in social services, doing food stamps applications. I don't really care anymore. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you your entire life?

Do you ever almost die? do you ever get good at anything? Do you have any special skills or talents? I have a soccer ball in the alley that I can't show off because I don't have enough space. But I've been getting pretty good at that because of during the pandemic. What do you do with the soccer ball?

Just like, keep it up, Hacky, sack it, yeah, kind of that shit just in the house.

Paul Beamer on the horns. Can I ask you something? Sure, why haven't you blinked in the last three minutes? That's a good question.

That is a question. I don't know. I'm nervous, I have very big eyes, I know that I do. Your lids are tired.

Got that Hans Kim cocaine in you right now? Got the old Hans Kim cocaine? Wet eye Mariano, so you can keep a soccer ball in the air. You saw where I was going there.

He's one of the old wet eyes, you know what I mean, people, these guys.

Okay, all right, it's Argentinian anyway, it doesn't really count.

Other than keeping a soccer ball up in the air, which might be the most Argentinian answer to any special skills or talents. What else tell us more about you? What's your living situation like? Do you live by yourself? I live in a house with my brother and another comic that works here.

I feel like you live in that building where, Hey, Arnold lived.

You don't look like people.

I don't look like people, No, you look like claymation.

You do look animated, it is incredible. So your living situation is a house with two other people. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? You see it?

You see it every day, you know what I'm talking about, what is it? There's some expired hot sauce that's just from a taco stand that's been there for. I look at it and just don't throw it out.

It's been there for three weeks now. Pretty smelly. Somehow. There's just a thing I have where I just see it and don't do anything. I'm never asking that question again.

Take note that Tony said on this day he will never ask about another person's refrigerator. A little bit too honest of an answer there. Creepily honest. I think we all have a little hot sauce that might be over the date in our refrigerators. Three weeks, though.

Red Band doesn't have anything that's not three weeks old in his refrigerator.

Mariano, I'm trying to figure it out about you. I feel like there's something missing. I feel like there's a secret about you that you're not telling us you watch porn.

I do what's the weirdest type of porn that you watch? Be honest, honesty is so important. Mariano I honestly don't watch....

I am pretty simple with that, I just fucking go on PornHub and I scroll down and I find something like what I've watched transgender porn once.

Tranny porn once, once.

Yeah.

Once for seven and a half years, No, I mean, once to completion, that's something.

Okay.

You look like you jerk off to Greece.

He looks like what Yoni would look like without a mustache. That's a great reference. reference Yoni who literally four people in the world knows what he looks like. Red band, So good, brilliant.

Sometimes I'm like, Wow, if we could win.

No, it's great, that's a great reference. No, it's amazing. Perhaps we could talk about a cousin of yours or something.

He looks like my cousin Andrew, from Columbus, Ohio. Ask him what's in his fridge.

How long have you and Solomon been friends? You and Solomon? Do you guys hang out? Solomon, you know, Solomon?

He's the Punjabi guy wearing the cowboy hat and what I'm assuming is a duster. Right now, you guys both shop at the same demented thrift store. No, I do not know him.

Mariano, you are a tough interview. it is tough. I just don't find anything interesting about you whatsoever. I tried my very best. Is there anything I'm missing?

Is there a question I should have asked in which you would have been like, Fuck, I have an answer for that. I've never done this in ten years. I'm asking you, What should I ask you? I don't know.

I'm trying to think, get the fuck out of here here. Take a little joke book. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bonsai. I can't even catch the joke book.

Even Solomon caught the joke book, Yeah, but if you threw it to his feet, he would have juggled it for an hour and a half. Wait, Mariano, get back out here, Mariano, come back, Mariano, send back Mariano.

Mariano I want to see if he can do that for a second. Regressa, Give me fucking Mariano back, get him out here.

Come on, come out here, move the mic and the mic stand over there. Let's see how many times you can keep that joke book up in the air, kicking it.

No, no, no, no, I want you to fucking try with the joke book. Okay, yeah, you have a ball back there, go get a ball.

Do you guys have his ball? Get his fucking ball? There's got to be a redeeming moment for Mariano here tonight. I have to warn everybody in the first 35 rows that, uh, everything else he's tried tonight has failed miserably. Hold your drinks.

He was staring right through us the whole time. Oh man, he has cold, dead eyes. Yes, they are incredible. I wonder where his soccer ball is.

I get the feeling this might take a while. Michael Gonzalez very excited to see a soccer ball here. he is with his soccer ball. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the redeeming oh my goodness.

Oh, starting with it on the ground, all right. Wow, oh, here we go. Okay, here it is.

Da-da-da-da-da, ole, ole, ole, ole.

Very, very cool.

I don't know what to say, very, very cool.

That's my way of saying, please don't kill yourself immediately. I like it when people wait a few months before killing themselves after an appearance on this show like that.

Alex Faircloth Alex Faircloth is next. That's a good comedy name. there's a lot of good comedy names coming out of the bucket tonight. I don't know if we're getting the execution that we need.

How about a hand for Kevin Pereira, fresh off a loss of Stylebender this week? Here he is everybody. Wait, not Kevin Pereira, Alex Pereira.

That's taking a lot of swings. Yeah, that's a whole different human.

He's a little swollen, still, a little inflamed from the loss of Stylebender. Here he is everybody, Alex Faircloth.

All righty guys, I actually just came out recently as autistic.

I just got told recently that I have a Goldilocks dick. I don't know if y'all know what that means, anybody know what that means? It means that it's not too big, it's not too small.

It's just right for Anal.

I love segues, I love my grandma. I hang out with my grandma a lot.

I love it, I know, right?

She told me she's like, I'm getting older and before I go, I want to go to a pitbull concert. Front row only, though I was like, Grandma, why only front row? My grandma's a very Christian woman, she said. I want to be close enough to where his dick hits my forehead.

Some of y'all don't have vivid imaginations, like I do what I saw.

Immediately was.

Pitbull Oh, oh, oh.

Did I lose some of y'all at that bit? What the fuck?

Wow, that was the worst on every level, unbelievably horrible and a ruiner of microphones.

God way to spread AIDS and monkey Pox at the same time to fucking everybody on kill Tony. That was the worst thing I've seen in a while. That was horrible. I saw my wife miss Carrie one time.

I'd rather go back to that moment.

I wish you guys out there could hear the bass player when this guy's on stage, he's just back there, like, God damn.

D-Madness does provide a soundtrack that only we can hear on the show. It is unbelievable. You know, it's bad when a blind guy plugs his ears during a 60 second set. He's like, I don't want any of my senses working right now.

Wow, Alex, we are, I think we all feel like your parents right now.

Tremendously disappointed. I already know you're going to be a better interview than the last guy, though, so let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it three months now, three months, all of it here in Austin, Texas.

No, I'm actually from San Antonio, San Antonio. Okay, very good. And what do you do for a living? I'm actually working two jobs right now, I sell phones and then I work at Olive Garden.

Whoa, Well, when you're here, we don't want you in our family, dude.

Yeah, we don't do that. So, um, Alex, let's talk about it, you're gay? No, really.

Do you know why I'm asking you that? because I look like a female version of Mia Khalifa? Is that why you're asking? No?

No, it's because you seem gay.

Do you always wear muscle shirts?

I guess, you guess, you do. you would know, I wouldn't do you. I just had this on today, I guess.

Okay, dude, you don't need to do stand-up.

You're like a handsome guy who's healthy, like, you don't fucking need this, all right, go sell some more fucking boost mobile phones or whatever.

Okay, I have money, I don't need your help, right? Yeah, this is so interesting, Alex. Three months in the game, you have nothing.

So far, have you had a great set or something? Has something happened to where you're like? This is good for me? Yeah, I actually just had a great set recently.

Well, I thought I did where at at the Elbow room in San Antonio. Okay, all right. What did you do there?

What joke did you do there? That really went well for you? Honestly? me deep-throating the mic, Went really well there. Oh, okay.

I thought a lot of people would like deep-throating jokes, too. No, they like comedy, yeah.

You deep-throating the mic really had no comedic effect whatsoever, made everybody kind of grossed out and sad.

Look at this person, Yeah, you did that to her.

She wasn't that color before you came on stage, she had hue and pigment to her skin, and you've reduced her to this. It is incredible. So you're not gay?

What are you into? What type of person are you into? women? What type of women? is there a specific shade or shape that you're into?

I fuck anything like dudes, for example. That's exactly what I thought. You've proved my hypothesis, okay, Alex?

Tell us more about you, What do you do for fun? What I do for fun? I do stand-up comedy. Nope.

Tell us something else, Alex, you can do it. I play basketball. Can you keep a basketball in the air with your feet?

No, tell us something else. No one believes the basketball thing either. Alex seems just like lie after lie right now.

I'm a really good stand-up comedian.

Shut the fuck up, dude, I'd ball all over you bro. Okay, so let's talk about it. Basketball's out.

We know stand-up's out. What are you actually good at? What am I good at disappointing my parents?

That's really good, I'm good at that, say something real, you're good at cutting the sleeves off shirts.

Fuck, that's about it, okay? We're going to keep it moving. There goes Alex Faircloth. Here's a small joke book.

There you go, boom.

Hey, give me Enrique Chacon.

That's Yoni, by the way. The odds of Yoni making his first appearance eight minutes after a red band Yoni joke is incredible. By the way, give me Enrique Chacon, we're going to do him next, let's do it.

Great Angela Ramirez is next Angela Ramirez, What's up, motherfuckers? What's up, man?

I went to this brewery in Conroe, Texas. These white people were so nice, they didn't even know they were being racist because nobody learned my name. They just called me Amigo all night and that was fine, bro.

But then these motherfuckers started calling me tres leches.

And I was ready to walk out there, bro. But I actually met a really nice white dude, bro. I forget his name. it was real white. It was kind of like Hunter or Tanner or Connor, bro.

And he pushed me aside and he did this shit in the middle of the room.

And I was so mad at Tanner, y'all, but he makes it. He screams so loud. I was like, Fuck Tanner, that was pretty good.

Enrique Chacon.

Now, a fun fact about Enrique is while he is not a Kill Tony regular, he is a Kill Tony Golden Ticket winner. The same level of prestige as the great Jared Nathan Aaron Belisle, so many greats in the history of the game. We found him in Houston four or five years ago, right? 2018, and you've been in Houston the whole time taking care of your family, yeah.

And then I was in Houston, you did some guest spots, as I always have you do on any show that I have in Houston, right? And what did I tell you, man? You said you was going to void my golden ticket if I didn't go to Austin, bro? So here the fuck I am, Tony, I told him, if you don't get the fuck out of here because you're doing what?

Living with your family, what were you doing for a job in Houston? It's just some clinical research. Shit, you know what I'm saying, bullshit.

He hated his job. And then what did you do last week? Fucking moved to Austin, baby.

I'm here, bro, and this guy smashes, this guy has a full set, the fucking the walls shake when this guy goes on stage here in Texas.

He fucking look at the sweat fuck. if I could just stop sweating, that would be great, bro, I don't fucking know how to stop sweating, dude. It's a long walk from up there.

I was sitting down here, bro.

I just, Man, I don't know, bro, I think it's my high blood pressure, I don't know. One of the most likable forces, a true fucking joke writer, a joke executor. Tell us more about your life.

Tell us what you do when you're not doing stand-up. ENRIQUE Well, bro, I just I quit my job in Houston, bro, and I got a job at Bucky's though. Oh shit, hey. So if you want a brisket sandwich?

The world's sweatiest cashier.

Just handing back soaking, wet change. Anybody got a napkin at the front, bro? Come on, dog? What happened to White Hospitality?

I like how in your set, you like it was very funny by the way, you like growl at the end, like Wanda Sykes.

Some people tell me I sound like a Black woman, bro. I don't know if that's true, but you kind of do. You do have Black woman energies? hey, Black woman hips, apparently, you know?

Yeah, you look like you hate riding the bus.

Look at the way his tilt your head back again. So we can see that fucking sweat neck of yours that is incredible. Damn bro, this wet like pussy amazing. Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh shit, no, put the can on your head.

There you go, that feels amazing, bro. Oh hell yeah. oh shit. Thank you Sam.

You're welcome. He's like, What is this fake ass modello?

It is what it is. Fuck it, I need it, it's live bro. Estas las chelas muy mal.

Hell yeah, I'm watching the beer come out of his pores as he sips it. It is unbelievable. Enrique, what else are you into? You're working at Buc-ee's?

Now they pay. Well, Buc-ee's famously, is a really good thing. 20 an hour, fuck it.

They pay you in money or brisket.

Both both. If overtime, brisket, overtime. Yo, hell yeah, did they give you a deal on Buc-ee's food? working there? Tell us what it's like working at Buc-ee's?

For those of you around the world listening, you might not know this. But on top of the great many reasons why Texas is unbelievable, there's also specific fucking things. Gas stations called Buc-ee's and grocery stores called HEB, which are the very best in the world at what they do, and Buc-ee's is a gas station. That if you go there, you will never forget it in your entire life, everybody's happy, they say hello when you walk in.

They have every option of everything you could ever want, they have the coolest merch, the greatest food. I always get. I have one disgusting cheat meal that I get nowadays because I've been eating a lot cleaner lately.

But when I go to a Buc-ee's, I get the Philly cheesesteak burrito and it is, and it is so good. I feel like absolute shit for three hours afterwards, but that's okay. I have ways to counteract that. I have to chug a lot of water.

You've had it, d-madness. Hell yeah, see what I mean. I have good taste, and you know, he has good taste, because it's one of his only senses that he has.

I'm telling you, try this philly cheesesteak burrito. You will not get anything else there. This shit is fucking amazing. Have you had it? yeah?

I've had too many. I feel like you've had everything on the menu. Well, don't call me out, Sam bro, I'm with you alright. Sangre por sangre.

Okay, okay, okay, let him let out, tell us more, because I've never had an insider, a buc-ee's insider before. They took me to the office, they sat me down and they were like, Hey, we have a secret policy.

If anybody steals and you report it, if they're an employee, you get $500.

We have to pay these bills, dog, and you know what, it gets better, man. They were like, if you catch an employee stealing, it's $500..

If you catch a manager stealing, that's $1,500, bro.

Hands in pockets. Oh my goodness, I've never seen a rat shaped like a pig before. This is incredible. Look at that little narc over there.

Pig is my Chinese zodiac. Actually. Hell yeah, so you're watching around, you're looking. Have you seen anybody stealing yet? Not yet, man?

I can't see shit with a buc-ee's outfit, the fucking pig head.

My vision's a little limited, so I stand at the fucking cashier's. Bro. You are a monster, my friend and a very good comedian. Thank you. That's all I've been doing.

The way you roll with everything, the way you're so likable, so cool. I think you're an unstoppable force. One of the newest, best Austin comedians, and Lord knows there's a lot of spots to go around for people like you. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday at Vulcan. There's one right there, let's go.

There's one right there. Fuck yeah. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Another minute from defending golden ticket winner Enrique Chacon. Everybody shout out Houston.

I love it, I just love it. I think he's 25 or 26 or something like that. You're gonna see that guy for the rest of your life. Yeah, David Lucas isn't here tonight, so that's the sweaty, fat guy for tonight's episode.

I called it before, hopefully somebody heard me. Angela Ramirez should be next on Kill Tony. I had a feeling nobody reported it. Oh, here we are.

Angela Ramirez.

Everybody, hello.

Everyone, I just moved here to Austin. I've been trying to get a job at a salon for a while now because I'm a hairstylist and I do nails and lashes, and I love facials.

Yeah, I've had my cosmetology license for a really long time. I don't know if y'all know this, but all Mexican baby girls get their license at the same time. They pierce our ears. I'd just be passing that shit out at La Pulga.

I come from a small town and I'm a stereotypical small-town girl. I'm so country. I lost my virginity in a truck.

And I'm so Mexican. It was a low-rider silverado.

I have a cat, he's kind of a bitch. How I feel towards him is how middle-aged men towards feel their....

I'm done, I'm good. Thank you Angela Ramirez. Welcome Angela.

How are you? Have you been on this show before? Was that your first time when you were on the show? And you came with all your cousins and everything? And they did stand-up too. I remember this, I remember this.

Absolutely, that was great. Thank you. You've only been doing it a few months, right? yeah.

Right, Have you been doing other spots since your time here? Yeah, I've been doing it for like one and a half months, I guess, right, a lot of spots.

Yes, different around town. Yes, okay, very good. And you live where?

You said, you're a small-town girl. Are you living in a lonely world? Yes, did you take the midnight train to get here? Today? We don't have a commissioner train.

Because it goes on and on and on. Yeah, very good. That was a reference to a song that's my karaoke song, actually.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Hell yeah, that fell flatter than your chest, Angela. That was incredible.

Hey, come on, is that true? You lost your virginity in a lowrider? Silverado? Yes.

Okay, what was that like? was that in the back of the truck? No, it was actually a crew cab. So I was in the passenger seat and I got a bruise on my knees. The shape of a cup holder. And I couldn't wear a dress to church for the next couple weeks after that. And how many of your cousins were there that night?

Oh, I wish more of them. Yeah, oh shit, Matt Mueling said something.

Hold on a second, Matt getting involved. Matt very rarely speaks. Let's check in with him and see exactly what he said.

Go ahead. I wanted to know if the car had those hydraulics? Oh yeah, was there hydraulics in the Lowrider or did you have to do the movement yourself? Okay?

I'll finish the question tomorrow, I guess.

ANGELA So you're looking for a job in a salon? or you found one? I actually got a job at Amazon, but I was looking for one in a salon. I heard Bucky's is hiring.

Yeah, I get the feeling someone's going to make $500 from you real quick. I get the feeling she's got those sticky fingers. You know what I mean, you steal from the places that you work at.

Am I correct? Yep, absolutely very good. So you were saying at the end of your set that you have a bitchy cat?

Look what he did to me, Oh no, oh okay, that was just today. He's a bitch.

Okay, and does he own the Silverado that you lost your No, No, I dumped that guy a long time ago, okay?

What do you do for fun? Tell us more about you? Angela Ramirez I smoke a lot, I listen to a lot of live music. I love Austin.

I go out, I drink a lot, I'm 21, so oh, 21, very interesting.

Red Band wants you to do a spot at the Secret Show now.

Because we're all old and fucking.

It's a lot of like, drink covering, drain covering, drink covering because of all the rapists.

Right, yeah, absolutely.

I'm fine, I guess. I don't know. I'm pretty protected. I always go out with my brother. Have you caught anyone trying to roofie you?

No, I'm a drink coverer, you know, I keep my hand over it, right? You have your own roof.

Laughter You create your own, that's how you survive, absolutely, so you're 21, you're out drinking.

They're not all slam dunks. Yeah, no, exactly. I was trying to think, like Mexicans love roofing and roofie-ing, I was trying to figure it out.

So there were layers to it. Yeah, I was trying. If you would have said brick-ling, I would have kind of understood it. More men are talking.

Laughter.

Okay.

Amazing.

Amazing, god damn it. So you said that your brother is normally with you? When you go to these bars? Do you guys like, go on double dates and stuff together? No.

He's a cock block, he's a cock block. Can you give us an example of a time that you were out and your brother was a cock block? Just tell us the real story. You don't have to punch it up.

Everybody's been trying to be funny, just be honest, give us a real time. I wish they were trying harder, I know.

I know, no. It's just like a guy will approach me and he'll just be like, Hey, what are you doing? and I'm like, Oh, what are you doing? Like, why are you talking right now? and why am I talking?

I don't know, but like, No, he'll just get in the way of it, he'll get in the way. Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and you're not working at Amazon?

Um.

Like, during the day, I read a lot and I go to parks and I walk, you go to parks. I'm a loner, yeah, and I'm the stoner.

Sorry, that wasn't on purpose. What the rhyme? Yeah, oh, okay.

What's your favorite book? I just finished The Grapes of Wrath for the fourth time because it's my comfort book. That's a great book. That's your comfort book, yeah.

That's fucked up, you're fucking twisted dog.

You mean, that book about a dust bowl family's struggles to eat? Yeah, what a romp that is.

Yeah, it's a great book. Yeah, interesting, Angela. So you have any special skills or talents other than the stuff that we've covered?

Anything else other than reading, going to parks and smoking pot, I do a lot. I just kind of entertain my friends, whoever I'm with. How do you do that?

When you do that, you sing, Yeah, what do you sing? ugh, old shit.

Like, what, I don't know? I'm like a House of the Rising Sun type of bitch, like, what? Stop trying to do jokes.

No, I said, I'm a House of the Rising Sun type of bitch, okay, House of the Rising Sun. One, two, three, four best goddamn band in the land, motherfuckers.

Here she is, Angela Ramirez. There is a house in New Orleans.

And it's been the ruin of many. A poor boy and God. I know I'm one. Angela Ramirez. That was fantastic, that was amazing, that was fantastic.

Only a few months into the game, you're plowing through it, you're rolling with the punches. Here's a big joke book from the Great Bonsai real handmade leather. There she goes.

ANGELA RAMIREZ Everybody adorable. It's actually a much better singer than most people say they can sing. Yeah, that was very good. How about a hand for this goddamn band?