#609 - IAN FIDANCE + JOY HINCHCLIFFE
2023-05-15 01:59:39
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email [email protected] Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
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Hey, this is Red Ben and you're listening to Kill Tony? Check out our website, Deathsquad..tv that has every past episode of Kill Tony. You could also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.
You can go to that website at sunsetstripatx.
Com Come check out a show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe..com. He's always on the road, he's going on tour.
Check out Everything Golden Pony at Tonyhinchcliffe.
Com also Killmerch..com That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers? Go to Killmerch.com.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey y'all, the new Kill Merch store is up and running at 1,000 miles an hour. It is our official Kill Tony online shop, Killmerch.com. T-shirts, hoodies, bonsai-made real Texas leather joke books, Kill Tony hats, Kill Tony knit winter hats, beer koozies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader-made posters, some Ryan Jay e-belt art coming in soon and Kill Tony stickers. Come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kill Tony NASCAR shirt, the Kill Tony hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff.
We tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's very high quality. There's a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to Killmerch.com. You know what to do. Support the show.
Buy some stuff, look cool, tell your friends you know what's up.
Show me who they are.
Hey.
This is Redman coming to you live.
From the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.
Who's ready to have the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yippee, make some noise for Redband. Everybody, hey everybody.
This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose, The Yellow Rose, Motherfucking Gel, Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball Peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right, people?
Welcome to Austin, Texas.
The live music capital of the world, that's the great Tarell Shaheed, way over there on saxophone.
Paul Diemer on The Motherfucking Trombone.
Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
John D's on the keys, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and that's motherfucking D madness right there, right down the goddamn barrel. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. This is a special one.
I promise you. But before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here. Right now. Hey y'all, it's official, it's announced, it's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life.
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Let's have some fun.
You know, I like going to live concerts every once in a while. Run the Jewels, Pink Floyd are a couple of my favorites. But, you know, I'm friends with those guys, so they give me tickets. But I'm telling you, I remember what it was like being stressed out, being a normal human being, trying to get the best price, competing with other buyers. It's last minute. Buying tickets to your favorite events should not be stressful. Game Time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy and theaters near you. With killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guarantee, you can stop stressing over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have.
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While the economy is booming here in Austin, Texas, we know that in a lot of places in the beautiful United States of America, it's not quite the same. People are trying to cut costs, and a lot of people spend over $100 a month on streaming services like Netflix, Disney, Amazon Prime, you name it. But since they started using ExpressVPN, they've been able to cut back and save so much money every month. Here's how they do it. All those streaming services, like Netflix, actually have thousands of more shows than you think.
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You guys ready to have some fucking fun. Are you ready to start tonight's very special episode? Tonight's two guests, two of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. One is a literally our most utilized guest in the past year. One of our favorites. A bundle of energy out of New York, massive podcaster and joining him sitting in between us tonight is a Killtony legend.
She has only done one set ever in her entire life. She got a double standing ovation on the five-year episode of KillTony, and she's joining us on panel tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ian Fidance and Julie Hinchcliffe. My mother, everybody put your fucking hands together.
Here we go, she's got a cell phone, everybody look out.
Julie Hinchcliffe, 76 years old.
Ian Fidance, one of the funniest human beings I know. you know him from being Ian with Jordan. Bye guys with Zac amico. Ian Fidance is back again. Hello Ian, how are you?
Hello Tony, I'm fantastic, I'm very happy to be here.
I know we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You have a lot of water.
I got a lot of water, you guys pay for it, I'm taking this back to the hotel.
Rogan charges the comedians $8 per pan as well. No, I'm kidding. And Julie Hinchcliffe grab that microphone, say hi to these two. Yeah, her second time ever on this stage.
KillTony five-year anniversary. The next night, she sat in between me and Dave Chappelle and judged a roast battle, and tonight is her first time she watches every episode. The people that know the show tend to be the best guests. How do you feel?
I'm very happy to be here.
I'm very happy.
There you go, very, very sweet.
We're gonna have fun.
You guys know how it works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. They are piled on top of one another in the alleyway. If I pull their name out, that means they get 60 seconds.
If the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear in order to speed up the process. I'm gonna pick the first name now, it's going to be Michael Ridley, but to start the show, everybody while they prepare Michael and get him out of this castle. We've learned it takes a minute and a half to get anybody out of the alleyway or anywhere around the building. So I've pre-pulled. But going first tonight. One of our regulars, you know him, ladies and gentlemen, you love him.
It's the one and only Hans Kim, everyone, this is Hans Kim.
What's up?
Love it here in Austin.
Because I love watching people with allergies. Road raging.
Get out of my lane or I'm gonna seize on you.
But yes, what else is going on?
Hey Ian.
Recently, a white guy shot a Black kid, he was ringing the doorbell and then he shot him. Remember this? Yeah, it was very sad. And everyone's, you know, like, you shouldn't shoot people, but you didn't see the way that this kid rang the doorbell.
He rang it sideways, like a gangster.
Ding Dong Black Lives Matter Motherfucker. I deserved it.
Tax season was recently, what a season that was. I actually did my taxes by hand. I mailed it through the paper ballot because that's how Joe Biden got elected.
If it worked for him to get the highest office in the land, then it can convince the IRS. I made $76,000 as a sex therapist.
All right, thank you.
Hans Kim.
All right, Hans, let's talk about it. How do you feel?
I feel amazing. Thank you Tony again for another amazing opportunity in front of this beautiful, beautiful, fertile crowd.
Did you say fertile?
Yes.
And what do you mean exactly when you say fertile?
I mean, these tickets are hard to get and I feel like the only people that can really get them are like people that have a lot of, like, testosterone in their balls.
Ian.
That's why I'm here.
I mean, that's really it.
You think that the only way that people can buy tickets quickly is if they have testosterone in their balls.
Yeah, like it's a social event you want to be seen, so it's like people that are good at social. Things are gonna be like, you know, yeah, like that guy right there.
Are you pointing at random members of the audience right now?
Wait a sec. That guy knows what I'm talking about, he's got big, testy balls.
Hans Are you back on drugs again?
I have done drugs, yeah.
Oh well, well, well.
I could tell it's a little scrambled Asian brain up there. Normally, your timing is a little bit different. I know Cocaine bender, Hans Kim. And for those of you that haven't been keeping up, I mean, we're a couple weeks ahead, but I mean, you know, Hans.
Are you a big coke head?
Not anymore.
Well, what happened this week, tell us.
I went camping with my girlfriend, some lady yelled at me about my drone flying.
You know, good old camping, drug, cocaine, everybody. Nothing better than going out in the wilderness and really making sure that the fire stays going all night long.
So you took a bunch of cocaine on this camping trip?
No, Tony, I've been clean and sober, I've been. my only drug is kill Tony.
I know for a fact.
A witness told me they saw you snort a line of something off of a green room table somewhere this week. And I don't think it was a line of kill. Tony Hans Good old powdered KT, you know what I mean?
I need another minute.
Hans How do you feel you good?
I'm good, yeah, my girlfriend is here, she's not cheating on me right now, so.
Do you think she cheats on you?
I don't, but she definitely could.
I think we all agree on that, yeah.
I mean, again, for those of you that don't know, Hans girlfriend is a couple levels better looking than him.
Where is she right now?
She's hopefully in the back, not having sex.
Wow, she's that sexually active that you think that there's a slight chance that she could be having sex with you, she could be.
No, I just think she's very attractive, I think she's very beautiful, and I don't see how other people don't wanna stick their dick in her.
That makes sense. Very honest answer, Very honest answer. Hans. Anything else crazy up in this week we should know about?
I slept a lot.
Your eyes still look so tired, that's unbearable.
Ah ah.
You look exhausted.
Hans, Do you know what? he said?
Yeah, I understand that, yeah.
Jesus shades of Joe Rogan over here, the old mic dropper Joey Hinchcliffe.
We need a Joe Rogan pillow.
Oh, my goodness, look at you, just crushing and moving on. This is where I get it from. Folks. Okay, Hans? Another fun week way to get the show started. We love you.
Thank you, Tony.
There he goes, Hans Penn, talking about tax season and road rage.
I already pulled the next comedian, but the comedian out of this comedian is going to be Chad Mitchell Rogers. But right now we're going with Michael Ridley, everybody door guy here at the Mothership, been on this show, here he is.
Bye Hans, Hold these baby, yeah.
So I just got booked for my first movie. Guys, give it up for that.
Oh yeah, I'm Filipino. It features an all Filipino cast. Give it up for that as well.
Yeah, it's titled Crazy Poor Asians.
Just my family arguing after a funeral for two hours straight.
Yeah.
So I don't know if you guys know this, but I definitely look like Wayne's world if they casted it with Asian people, except it's called Wang's World.
It's just me and Garth, the Japanese guy with long blonde hair, and I look over, What do you think about that garth?
He's like, Oh, Garth, oh.
You can only say his first name, he's a fucking pokemon.
White people make some noise.
I need to get something off my chest, you guys, I need to apologize to you. It was me, guys, I was the person who sold Mac Miller, that last bag of coke.
It was for Hunter Biden.
I mixed the bags up, I mixed them up.
I'm sorry, guys, me Chinese.
Me play joke, me accidentally put fentanyl in Mac Miller's coke.
Thank you.
Michael Ridley coming in very compelling.
Yeah, what's up Tony, how you doing, man?
How are you, my friend?
I'm good man.
I'm living my motherfucking life. Very fun set. You've been on the show a few times before. You seem like you're more confident and stronger than ever. You feel that way.
Yeah, dude, Austin has totally evolved me into what I am now. I'm just getting better and better. I'm so grateful for this fucking place, dude.
It is quite the energy happening here.
Yeah.
Remind everybody you've been on a few times, but what's the shortest version of your story? You're from where?
I'm from fucking Newport News, Virginia y'all.
It's a.
ViRGiNIA Yeah.
Yeah, I'm from Newport News, Virginia. It's a pretty...
What part of China is that in?
The black part.
Really, it was a.
Yeah, it's a rough. Yeah, it's like they call it bad news.
Oh.
Yeah, it's rough.
Wow, yeah, incredible. So what was growing up there like for you?
In 2013, I got charged with 17 grams of weed and I went to jail.
For how long?
26 days.
What was that like? What were some of the highlights and lowlights? What really surprised you about going to jail?
I was the only Asian person in jail.
What you were the only Asian in Virginia prison, the fuck are we talking about? I knew that.
I knew I was the only person in jail because as soon as I walked in, somebody was like.
Damn, I ain't never seen no Chinese man.
In Newport News City Jail before see. So I kinda that's what I was saying.
Yeah, there was no gangs to join.
I was just a man on my own, you know what I mean?
Did anybody try to claim you, huh? did anybody try to claim you, or are you like the kid that didn't get picked on a team?
So they fucked with me because they were like, Hey, yo, go talk to Asian, he's good with them. Words, he'll write a letter for you. For the judge. I was writing, I was trading handwritten letters to the judge for like, packs of ramen.
That's amazing.
Well, dude, nobody put money on my books, all my friends are pieces of shit, so I was just in there, dude. They feed you at 5 p..m. that's dinner time, and then they starve you from 5 p...m. to 5 a...m.
It's like legal starvation. So how they beat that is a prison industrial complex. They charge $8 for a bag of lay's. You know what I mean? Wow, yeah, it's fucked.
Jail was horrible.
I'd imagine, I mean, you must've been thrilled when you found out that there was ramen there.
Yeah, I was hyped.
I mean, you're like, Look, I mean, I'll suck your fucking dick right now. For one of these. You got that fucking chicken, let me get the noodle, you got that chicken powder pack, yeah.
They got rid of the spicy ramen. I like the spicy ramen. They got rid of it because somebody fucking took the powder. I was like, why is there no spicy ramen? No way.
Somebody put the powder in their hands and they fucking right in the co's eyes, like a mace. Yeah, they used it as like peppers.
Oh my god, like a trick from-.
They like ramen, sanded him with ramen dust, bro.
Did you teach them that? That's like a trick from three ninjas? Yeah, it really is.
Ooh, the spicy eyes.
Big man go down.
Sitting there, making fucking blow darts and shit.
So what was worse, the expensive ramen or the gay male rape?
Actually, neither of those.
It was the homelessness that followed after, because all my bills went into fault and nobody would bail me out.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, nobody would bail me out, so all my bills, dude, I was in like, dude. I had like a three credit score, like just three, I got out.
Oh my god.
Dude, I fucking built my life from the ground up 10 years ago like I had nothing, bro.
Hey Red Band, yeah.
Ian.
Hey Red band, can you play the sound of the world's smallest violin?
Oh, he really does. he literally has it. that's crazy. he literally, that's red band, by the way, hitting.
No dude, it ain't no fucking sob story. It's an inspirational story because I started doing standup and I got my fucking life together.
And standup comedy literally saved my fucking life.
Yeah, I absolutely love it. That's fucking great. I absolutely love it. Michael. You're crushing it. You have a job here now, right?
I help you, I help you and help out with the show.
Oh, you work for kill Tony.
Yeah, I'm a PA, I help out, I do the list and all that stuff.
I'm a busy man, folks, I kind of come in, do the sound check, read the ads. It's kind of like a machine. I try to treat everybody well anyway. You're a huge part of the team.
Really leaving an imprint. I literally thought you worked for the clock.
I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday at Vulcan, There you go.
MICHAEL Ridley Great appearance, great show, great time. We're gonna keep it moving along.
That is an awesome story.
Isn't it great?
Yeah, that's really cool.
You gotta love it. We get people of all different shapes and sizes up here and it is incredible, we have so much fun.
Yeah.
He didn't say that.
Were you asking if he really got raped in jail?
Yeah, it was such a good story and we just skipped right by that and I wanted to ask.
Yeah, we did kind of gloss over that.
Yeah, I think when you move on, he answered. Homelessness. I think when you move on. What was worse? The expensive ramen or the ass rapings, and someone says, the homelessness that followed? I'm gonna really guess he didn't get ass raped. I'm gonna realize I put a lot of money on that bet.
Yeah.
Hello, hello, hello. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile Guys. The road to getting engaged can be a long one and full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling, or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is a straightforward path every time.
All you gotta do is head over to Bluenile.
Com.
Ben I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile. After looking at them, Tony, they make the best jewelry around.
On Bluenile.
Com. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can ever imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999..
They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that, in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns.
So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now, get 30 off Select Lab Grown Diamonds on Bluenile.com, plus use code TONY to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more.
That's $50 off with code Tony at Bluenile.
Com Bluenile.com Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Chad Mitchell Rogers. Everybody make some noise for Chad Mitchell Rogers.
Your next comedian after that's Genevieve, by the way. Oh, here he is, one more time for Chad Mitchell Rogers, everyone, comedy mothership make some noise, huh?
By round of applause, How many of you guys like getting high watching movies?
Fuck yeah, dude. My favorite movie I've seen so far this year is Cocaine Bear, which if you haven't seen it, is a horror movie about a bear that ate way too much cocaine and went on a killing rampage. I went and saw this thing, dude, it was crazy. That was the first horror movie I've ever been to where the white people wouldn't stop talking.
Like, it was nuts, dude, everybody was taking a bathroom break, like every 15 minutes, it was crazy. Rihanna's Pregnant by A$ap Rocky. It's an interesting baby daddy.
He's a little special dude, like, if that baby ends up coming out looking as special as he is, that family's gonna have two riris to celebrate. You guys know what I'm talking about.
Thank you guys so much, I've been chad.
Man, that was the longest minute in the show's history. Chad, I gotta be honest with you.
Yeah, that set was really rocky. A$ap.
I am.
My mom loves the end.
I love your mom.
I love it, magical, magical booking.
So chad-.
I actually said to Tony, Where's the kitty cat? She did. At 55 seconds, she goes, Where's the damn kitty cat?
She's a gangster.
Youngstown, Ohio, 76 fucking years old.
So let's talk about it, Chad, you've been on this show before, I don't forget a fucking creep like you dude.
So remind me, what do you do for work? How long have you been doing standup? I've been doing standup two years, I'm a bartender, right?
And what's exciting about your life? Give us something you did the show one time before, right? And you've thought about it. It's been what a couple months, few weeks, whatever.
And so, did you think of anything like, Man? I wish I would have said that that would have been entertaining, like that would have been a cool thing to say on a live podcast. Yeah, I have something that's really interesting about me.
I only have one testicle. Oh wow, I mean, I watched you drop the ball with your set. But to find out.
Yeah, I mean, give a credit, it takes a lot of ball to get up here.
It really does, it really does. Some of those jokes, some of those jokes were fucking nut.
I'd be interested to see what else you have in that sack of.
I mean, it is incredible.
He gives off the vibe that he lost both of them, doesn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, he dresses like he did.
Yeah.
Okay, tell us more.
Oh my god.
Improve it, improve it. Oh, let's fucking go, yes.
Holy shit.
Yes.
She's starting to loosen up, yes.
This is like Batman and Robin the Cradle.
That's fucking amazing. Except her weapons aren't only in the sack of balls.
One nut lost a nut. That's what I call, come and go, you know what I'm saying?
My goodness, do you get flashbacks every New Year's Eve when the fucking?
So tell us you lost a nut. Was this what? 's it called torsion or was it testicular cancer?
I think it was like a horrific denim accident.
He really levi'd something on the outer zipper, you know what I mean, fucking? I just wasn't born without one, I don't know.
I think, God, whoa, God did that.
Dude, that's fucked up, man. He's like, I shall make him a man. Well, I mean.
Wow, you look really disappointed right now. You would've guessed for a guy born with one nut that you've been preparing for this your whole life, you seem like you just found out that you have one nut on the show. You got a real look of sadness there.
Well, I think it's because we kind of took away his other one.
We busted some ball here tonight.
Yeah, we're just busting ball.
I fucking love it. So you're born with one nut. Do you have to warn girls or something like that, or boys or whatever you're into, fucking robots or whatever you're fucking?
It's interesting, I've never actually had a girl bring it up to me, but it's so funny when they're giving me head because they end up just giving me a whole wash down there, because they're trying to find the other one.
It's like, they just end up goo.
Wow.
What a freak.
Freak.
Fucking weird, wow.
You play any sports, not anymore. I played a little football in high school. Right, right, right, yeah, I got a mini fucking cup.
Oh my god.
Wow.
That's incredible.
I heard you can get an implant. Did you ever think about getting a fake ball?
Yeah, I've thought about it, but I'm poor.
Put a rock in there or something.
What do you think your life would be like if God let you have what he gave every man in the room?
If you weren't born a mistake, what do you think your life would be like?
Guy with one nut.
My girlfriend loves it, dude. she fucking, she loves it. I've only got one nut. she plays with it, dude. she flicks it around.
It's great, all right. Does she have any god-awful deformities as well?
She's six inches taller than me.
Whoa, damn.
I don't even know what to do. Nice, six inches tall, how many more balls does she have than you?
I mean.
She's halfway to how many balls you have, all right, so what else? What's the most fun thing you've done since the last time we saw you? Oh God.
You know, I've had a really interesting job bartending. I was bartending a lot of private parties in Los Angeles, a lot of fireball.
No, it's probably bud light, you're fired ball, it's probably bud light.
Bud light is the official drink of men born with one ball.
Dude, even the sponsor got a fucking second nut.
Like, Are you kidding me, right? Dylan Mulvaney got two nuts and I only got one. What the fuck, dude, yeah.
You're like a sad squirrel.
Just one cheek.
Killing it with my mother.
All right, man.
You already have a small joke book, right? No, not a small one. You got a big one last time. Well, my friend, congratulations. There's always a first time.
Collect the whole set. There, he goes. Thank you guys so much. Chad Mitchell Rogers.
Ladies and gentlemen pulled her out already, she was at, I do believe she was on last week. Employee here at the club, Make some noise for Genevieve, everybody, Genevieve, the return of Genevieve.
What up, dog? Make some noise for me.
Because I work for motherfucking Joe Rogan and his bitch.
Hell yeah, man.
I'm getting to know him too. We got so much in common, you know? I asked him, his favorite color?
He said, Nigga.
I was like, It's Negro, Joe, work on your Spanish.
It's kind of hard being high all the time.
I was praying with my family the other day, it was my turn to pray. I'm like, Lord, thank you for this food. Oh shit, we not eating?
I was so high with a friend. One day he gonna ask me. He was like, Hey, how come birds fly? but flies don't bird? I was like, Why am I not as high as you?
Pass that shit.
And then I realized I was looking in the mirror and I was that high. I've been Genevieve y'all. thank you so much Genevieve.
Genevieve, Genevieve, Genevieve. Been watching her for years since we moved the show to Austin, Texas, watched her at the first venue that we used to perform, Kill Tony at in Austin. It unfortunately burnt down in a massive fire and then we went to vulcan.
She was on, she got a job at Vulcan, we moved to the mothership, she got a job at the Mothership. You just got pulled out of the bucket two weeks in a row. The odds of that are fucking literally what one in 400 or something like that?
Something wacky, incredible. How's life going?
Fucking amazing. Happy to be here, happy to be here with y'all. Hell yeah.
You're killing it, absolutely killing it all the time. There's multiple rooms at this super club and I'll be walking around, going from one thing to the next. I'll see you on stage doing great, you were on the show last week.
Is there anything that we haven't covered during these interview portions about your life, or anything that we should know about?
Let me see, I was really trying to not do this, but I would like to try to play y'all a song, what?
What kind of song? what do you play? Play a little jam with Michael? Maybe, I don't know, let's see what happens.
You play what do you wanna do?
Maybe a little piano, maybe.
You play piano just a little, John Deas will always have. He doesn't love sharing his instruments. This is one of your own, John. So it's a real good chance to, it's a real good chance to support your people, Andy.
Let's go Genevieve, putting herself in the hot seat here.
Austin is the comedy and music capital of the world. We're moving some stuff around. You picked the one spot next to D-Madness, so it's a little bit tricky. This is a you know what?
I'm trying to look out for.
NANCY You know, you're not looking at anything? Oh shit, put that mic down, you batty bitch. Oh my god, Oh my God.
Mom, mom, that was not nice.
Mom, you can't reach your hand out to shake his fucking hand. Oh my god, you can't make fun of him. She goes. You know, I love you.
You can't make fun of him for being blind and then taunt him.
Yeah, Jesus Christ, the night ain't over yet. Oh shit, oh my goodness, I'm going to have a new fucking mixed blind little brother.
I can already see it.
Joy, madness over here.
We got the best band in the world, Genevieve, sliding into position here.
Oh, shit.
Who knows?
Thank you.
Oh, look, who's back? A hero? comes along, another beautiful, beautiful Black woman. John Deas, everybody, you son of a bitch.
Genevieve, you're a rockstar. you were on last week, you killed again tonight. I love it. you're a star.
We'll see you soon, Genevieve. Everybody there, she goes, all right. This is one of those moments.
Nice job.
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Hey y'all, have you recently looked back and thought I wasn't getting high enough? I know I haven't, because I still get my stuff from California and Oklahoma. But if you're out there smoking joints, putting flour in your bowl and doing everything that you should be and not getting that high. It's time that you find out about Yodelta.com, the website with high quality, lab tested Delta 8. That's going to get you super duper high.
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It's all good stuff. So go to Yodelta.com and if you use the promo code Tony, you're going to get 25 off once more. That's YoDelta.com promo code Tony for 25 off all your Delta 8 YoDelta.com promo code Tony. This is one of those moments where I'm going to bring up one of the regulars on the show.
Tim Warner is going to be after him, but you guys are in for a treat. This guy back from the road, he actually hasn't been here for a couple of weeks in a row. He's been getting stuck in Fucking Florida and all around, because he's touring everywhere, selling out Phoenix, Florida, everywhere. Make some noise for him. Brilliant joke writer, Brilliant Roaster, Kill, Tony Strong, David Lucas, everybody.
Here he is, folks.
Yeah.
I want to get married one day, but.
Women y'all just lack accountability.
Sorry.
Women will cheat on men and then find some type of way to blame the man. You know what I'm saying? They're like, I cheated on you because you're never home, bitch. I work 18 hours a day so you can make these stupid ass muffins, bitch, and you cheat on me with an unemployed motherfucker.
Ain't that a bitch?
Imagine being 38 and blaming your irrational behavior on a zodiac sign.
I was a bitch because Mercury's in retrograde.
Like, girls will literally not date you because your zodiac sign don't align with they zodiac sign like, I can't date Scorpio The last Scorpio I dated beat my ass.
They're like, No, I really can't date you because you're a Capricorn. It's like, Bitch, I can't date you because my titty's bigger than yours.
But who said anything about that bitch? All right, thank y'all.
The one, the only.
The Man, The Myth, The true heavyweight King of Kill Tony.
Tony, your boyfriend must've flew you to Turks and Caicos, nigga you red as a motherfucker.
You look like you flew in from Turkey and Coco.
Look at this nigga boy, your ass got a yellowstone shirt on nigga. I know you ain't got no brand, you fucking sissy-ass bitch.
What the?
He got a Yellowstone shirt on. Don't it look like he work at the White Ranch?
You're wearing the camouflage, I'm not as fat as I look jacket tonight, trying to blend in with the bricks behind you. I fucking love it.
Tony, you look like.-.
New red pants, though. Look at those so that fucking people can see those ice cream cones coming at him. Look at those things. How do you keep balanced? Tony? You must.-.
Tony, you look like you drive limos for gay niggas, nigga stretch it.
That motherfucker got that black shirt on trying to hide his femininity, nigga.
Yep, my limos are more stretched than your skin.
Miss Hinchcliffe, how do you feel having a sassy-ass daughter?
You son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.
I really love her. Aiden. That nigga steal your clothes.
AIDEN Tony, steal your clothes in middle school all the time, all the time. Caught that nigga going to prom in some high heels, bitch.
Oh my god.
Oh yeah, she went outside and caught you laying in the backseat of her car, nigga.
I don't even know what that means, but it's that means you was getting fucked.
Oh.
That's what that means, Nigga.
I love it, I love it. David. Great set tonight, talking about horoscopes and women and shit. What is your actual-?
Capricorn.
Oh, capricorn bread.
Tony, you practice dildology.
Dildology This is what it's come to, half a decade of making fun of each other for 20 minutes every week, we finally got to dildology.
Y'all like that with dildology.
Oh my goodness, I have never seen fatter skinny jeans in my life. That is incredible.
Tony, your face look like that napkin nigga, you red as shit boy.
What do you have in your pocket?
What are you? You must've fell asleep in the George Foreman grill nigga.
I do hot yoga before the show. Not all of us get to sweat on stage like a fucking dying monster.
What's your favorite position downward? Dog? Nigga? Yeah, yeah, it is.
What's yours downward facing hot dog?
Hey, getting that flexibility up.
Tony be like, I can put my leg behind my neck.
How dare you?
You don't even bend down to tie your shoes, nigga.
You just-.
You can take a page out of my book, by the way.
I ain't trying to be flexible nigga, I'm a man, my knees should hurt. Boy, you over there talking about back posture and shit nigga.
Keep wiping the sweat off of your forehead. Oh my goodness, thank you man. My mom has some actual tissues. Look at this.
Absolutely incredible, thank you. Be careful, mom. He gets everybody near him pregnant real quickly.
I can't get her pregnant, them eggs are scrambled, nigga.
Oh yeah, they are for sure, they are for sure. I have a 58 year old sister.
58.
Yeah, I have a 58 year old sister.
White people are different, bro. My mama had me at 21 nigga, my mama was when I was in high school, my mama was getting her GED nigga.
And now you're getting your KFC.
Scoot back, scoot back, and tonight you're gonna get a BBC.
Yeah.
I've been off two weeks nigga, I'm ready.
I ain't called you gay in two weeks, nigga, I'm ready.
I've been itching for a gay joke.
You are the worst, you're so funny, you're so scared of what my response is gonna be. You had to end it on you, didn't you?
I'm back, everybody, every time I'm about to, you don't even know it's been two weeks.
You know, I was about to come in over the top now. Let me hear it. What you got, bro? No, I can't now, cause you fucking did that fucking stupid shit.
I'm sorry, man.
Come on.
You just don't know, we can tell by your body, but you just don't know when enough is enough. You had to come back for seconds and thirds. I was gonna end that shit with an h-e-t, that was a h-e-b joke.
That was gonna fucking decimate.
What you gotta say, Mama, we are never, we never have too much. You sound like one of them ladies from Fucking Django unchained.
We having white cake in the front room.
We are never too much.
Here at Hitchcliff Forms, our niggas are never too much.
And we would pay top dollar for someone like you, David.
You're not my favorite anymore.
How's the road been? everything been good?
What else? Everything been good, man, me and William, we murdered Phoenix bro. I got fucking Portland coming up fucking Addison Improv on May 24th.
Houston Improv May 25th me and will got some more road dates coming in the fall, bro, we coming to Tempe Improv. We gonna murder that bitch, bro.
William is one of the best comedians, if people don't know it, bro, because he....
I know it's crazy.
He went on stage with a synthesizer and got a standing ovation. I'm like, what the I'm like, nigga? I've been practicing for 10 years. this motherfucker took the synthesizer on stage.
He's unbelievable, you guys....
He's a murderer man.
I couldn't be more proud of the work that everybody that's part of this show is doing. You are a fucking prime example, unbelievable, fucking cold-blooded assassin. Absolutely, man, we love you, David Lucas, everybody.
There he goes.
David Lucas Where does that name go that I pulled?
Shit.
And guys, he smells really good.
I didn't even hear that she's just out here, killing in between. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. Tim Warner, everybody.
And then we have a Golden Ticket winner and then Bobby Sandu, after that Bobby Sandu. Two away ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Tim Warner, everybody.
Wow.
This is dope, man, I am fucking six months clean today.
This is amazing, wow.
Wow.
Dude, I had to quit, you know what I mean?
Like you ever think you were good at something and realized you're not.
You know, like, I had to quit.
Like a lot of people.
When they go out getting fucked up, they do an Irish goodbye. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but it's like you're hanging out with your buddy. Tommy. He just leaves. It's like, Where'd Tommy go? He just left. Oh, what a dick.
I never did that. When I got fucked up, I would do a Polish goodbye, and that's where you tell everybody around you to fuck off and then you stay.
Fucking pass clothes.
Sir, you gotta get going. It's like, Fuck you. So people try showing support and it's really weird how people show support. Like, I'll hear this a lot, where people will be like, Hey, Tim, are you still sober? And it's that word still that really fucking bothers me.
You know, because if someone came out of the closet, you wouldn't go up to them six months later.
And be like, Hey, you still gay?
I was gonna order you some pussy.
But if you're still doing that gay thing, all right, that's all my time.
Hell yeah, Tim Warner, I love it. How are you guys? incredible?
Amazing welcome back. You've been on the show many times before. Yes, sir, you were much like we were just talking about the great William Montgomery.
And so many other great comedians seem to, at some point in their lives, have been completely, truly fucked up, and in a great many ways, at one point in their lives. Unbearable. You were kind of like that, right?
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