#611 - BRIAN HOLTZMAN + IAN EDWARDS

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CoM All right, Ben. I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile after looking at them, Tony.

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Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now, get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com.

Plus, use code Tony to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more that's $50 off with code Tony at Bluenile.com bluenile.com. Hey, this is Red Ben and you're listening to Kill Tony? Check out our website Deathsquad..tv that has every past episode of Kill Tony.

You could also click on tour dates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can go to that website at sunsetstripatx..com. Come check out a show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe.com.

He's always on the road, he's going on tour. Check out Everything Golden Pony at tonyhinchcliffe.com, also Killmerch..com.

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Michael Gonzalez on the drums, this is Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. And my friend over my shoulder goes by the name of D-madness. Everyone. Indeed, Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Austin Security Guard Service. Gel blaster and Screwball peanut butter whiskey.

Gel Blaster's available in stores all over the world. And here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here. Right now. Hey y'all, it's official, it's announced, it's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life, all the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities.

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Every single week, two of the funniest comedians on planet Earth join me on this show. This is two veteran guests of the show, two guys that have done it many times, two guys that I have worked with at the comedy store in Hollywood for 16 years. Yesterday was my 16 year anniversary of being a standup comedian.

No big deal.

16 years I have been brothers with these two men, two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. If you know the show, you know they're two of the best guests in the history. Make some fucking noise. It's a wild night, folks, Brian Holtzman and Ian Edwards, everybody.

Ian Edwards, visiting from the lovely land of Los Angeles.

Make some fucking noise for Brian Holtzman, everybody.

Legend of the game.

King of Late Night, The Wildest of the Wilds, The Giver of Gifts, Brian Holtzman. Wow, is this for us? Real buckies? Oh my goodness.

Don't take it out of the package. And there's a Brian Holtzman sticker on the back. Look at that. that is incredible. It's right on the ass, yeah, Brian Holtzman giving away gifts.

How adorable is this? Maybe this will help us get an official Buckie sponsorship.

All right, wait a second. Was that a laughing kangaroo? I just heard?

BRIAn Motherfucking Holtzman drove here and landed here today from Los Angeles, California. For those of you that don't know, this is one of the true kings of late night at the comedy store. It's a guy who's going to change the dynamic of this building because it's going to go much, much later from now on. So it's very, very exciting. He literally takes shows that have been blown out, that the audience has seen everything for five hours, and somehow he manages to keep it entertaining.

After that, Brian Holtzman Say hi to these human beings.

Hi, hello, welcome you mother.

And the great Ian Edwards is also joining us fresh off of Ian's Hawk, his special. Bill Burr's Comedians to watch Soccer comic Rant Welcome back Ian. My pleasure man, it's good to be here.

Always in Austin. It's fun as fuck how y'all doing. Ian is very calm, energies, very relaxed, so I mixed him with Brian Holtzman. It's literally like cocaine and cocoa or something like that.

One's a hot treat and the other is a fucking thunderstorm. He's trying to doll up the area right now, he's decorating, he's bling, getting comfortable.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have done this show numerous times, you guys all know how it works. Over 200 souls stand behind us in the alleyway right now, hoping that I pull one of their names out of this bucket. If I do, they get 60 seconds of standup comedy time uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. Me and my esteemed guests. It's all improvised.

It's all magical, it's all going to happen right in front of us. You guys ready to start this fucking show?

Well, we have a tradition here as of late, ever since. Another very special anniversary coming up, the two year anniversary of my cancellation is next week.

And that reminds me, Okay, thank you that this young man got his full-time job as a regular then, and here he is with another brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. Sing along if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

DK DK will be the first comedian on the back one more time for Hans Kim. Everybody.

Thank you guys, it's good to see you guys out there. Even though there's a serial killer loose right now in Austin, he's going after the men, which is scary because we all know men, some of us are men.

Not an easy time to be a man, you know, all these women out there carefree, running around, wee-hee.

Only worried about normal rape and murder.

I'm worried about a serial killer I could be on Netflix in three years.

Not an easy time to be a man. That's why I started a booze cruise on Lady Bird Lake to save all the drowning victims.

I got guns, weed, alcohol, anything a man could want on that boat. So far, we've saved negative three lives.

I've been going on a bit of a killing spree.

Yes, good to be in Austin. I can't wait to all right. Thank you. All right, that got me out right when you ran out of material.

Look at that, saved by the cat, our sweet sweet, our very own. Hans Kim, How are you, Hans? I'm amazing Tony. A very good 60 seconds, consistent laughs throughout.

Not easy to get a show like this started. High expectations. Everybody's been watching your ups and downs in life. We know that you went from broke to rich to heavily addicted to cocaine, trying to get it together.

He's riding the wave of fame, selling out shows all around the world. How do you feel, Hans? I feel great. I just sold out four shows in Seattle and thank you, you look great.

Thank you the way your muscles. Just are you the serial killer? No, no.

No, I like the way your body fits your head. Thank you, you. do you have a good shape? Everything is shapely on you? yeah.

Thank you, yeah, you used to give your own haircuts, right? You used to have like shaved hair, and now it's long and nice. Thank you, Brian, you're growing your hair, yeah.

Thank you, I think you're great. The hair report with Brian Redband Very good. Ian, You've seen Hans many times before. What do you think about Hans Kim?

About his set, his pants or his glasses, let's go one by one here. The glasses work, like, I think I can see you better through your glasses than you can see out of them.

That is true. Normally, when people put glasses on, their eyes get like, bigger, you know what I mean, Hans puts them on. He always looks like he's in round 11 of a boxing match.

Can you see things good? Do you think that affects driving? Let's just say that there was a stereotype where let's just say there was a stereotype where happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody, by the way.

I know what an Asian heritage month is, it's May. Do you think that might be part of the reason why that stereotype exists? I didn't write it, but it exists. I mean, it can't help.

It really can't. What are the odds that the race, known for bad driving, kind of has their eyes kind of more closed than this, right? I like how you're trying to get re-canceled a week before your anniversary of your being. Why don't you just wait till next week, Tony?

I know, I know it is weird. It is a tricky time. I also have a massive theater tour announcement coming tomorrow. It's all like it.

All makes too much sense, and that might be the stereotype. That's why everyone says Asians are bad drivers because they have small eyes. I think that's a part of it. I think it goes deeper than that.

Tell us your theory. I think we're just okay, not being good at something.

Hot, motherfucking camp through and through.

Anything else? We should get updated about? What else happened in your personal life this week? Hansi I threw up in my hotel room on my bed. Ooh, explain to us how that happened.

Were you drinking? I was heavily dosed on marijuana from the club owner in Seattle. It was a lot, it was like 150,000, 150 milligrams.

Oh, it was inedible, yeah, and I threw up and I missed my flight, but luckily, I'm fabulously wealthy, thanks to you guys.

So I just bought another plane ticket. Yeah, you're goddamn right. Absolutely, you did.

I went to a tree house, my friend from high school has a tree house. It's really sick.

Wow, he's in high school.

Very fun. So what'd you do in the tree house? I was mostly sick because I was high on marijuana. This was the same night, yeah.

So you did shows and then you went to a tree house, yeah, and why seems like you would do that during the day? tree house at night?

Yeah, it was really scary.

Was it just you and him and two of his other man friends? Oh man, friends, there you go, so there you go.

Why are they recalling all those Korean cars? Could you tell us what the problem is with that shit? Probably a manufacturing error, you know? We probably made them quickly to make a lot of money and then we have to call them back. No, don't blow me off.

What the fuck is the problem with the Koreans and their fucking cars? There's another pandemic in there. We had to take it back, so we don't want it to really classic Asian walk around.

Walk around spelled w-o-k.

Hans, we love you every single week, you come out guns a-blazing, getting the show started, make some fucking, there you go.

I'm guessing he brought that one specifically for Hans.

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Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now, get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com.

Plus, use code ToNy to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more that's $50 off with code ToNy at Bluenile.com bluenile.com. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna pull a name which will be the comedian after this comedian. We get them all ready.

It's going to be Arthur Martirosian, but now the name that I pick first. Make some noise for DK Everybody the Kill Tony, I believe debut of DK 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

So how's it going, everyone? My name's DK and No, that does not stand for Donkey Kong, but I could forgive you for assuming that based on my appearance.

So I'm 24.

And I'm really proud about the fact that I'm 24 because it means I was born in 1998. And fun fact about 1998. If you did not know, it was one of the last years of production for the Straight Baby in the U.S.

So I don't know about you guys, but there used to be these things on TV called commercials, and I remember this commercial coming on when I was young. It would go. One out of five boys in the U.S. is born with autism. And I don't know where you guys are from, but I'm from this small city called San Bernardino, California. So I would look around the room, 50 people and I'd be like, there's no way. One out of five boys in the U.S. has autism.

Nobody in this room has autism. So then, in 2020, during Covid, right after Rogan came, I made my move to Austin and I saw that same commercial. Come on. In a bar, one out of five boys in the U.S. has autism. I looked around in this room, 100 people in this bar.

And the first thing that came to my mind was way more than one out of five of these faggots has autism.

Way more than one out of five of these faggots has autism. DK using all of his time to his advantage. Welcome to the show, DK. I'm gonna talk to you. You can keep that microphone for a second.

How's it going, my friend Good? And yourself? I'm great. How long you been doing standup comedy? So I've been doing standup comedy for approximately a year altogether.

I just restarted again four weeks ago when I moved back to Austin. Beautiful, I love it Ian. How long you been doing standup comedy in shades?

Since today, when I didn't thought I was gonna get picked and drunk four shots before I got on stage, you drunk four shots before you got on stage. You wanna be a comic? Show us your eyes. Oh, okay, oh, it's like Hans Kim out here.

Oh, shit, it's like Hans Kim meets Lil Kim all at once.

Notice he's wearing shades, too.

What, yeah, went to school 12 years and all that. I don't know why, you guys don't believe me, motherfucker, you can't see.

Is that supposed to be a joke about me? Yeah, definitely. What was it, gasoline that you did? Shots of what's going on right now?

What did you do? Shots of? Exactly? Well, I actually drunk a can of four locos, and I did three fireball shots. So, oh my god, so this was cheap liquor coursing through your veins right now?

I'm a comic.

Give us a fun fact about you, like, what's your wild side like? Clearly, you have a serious drinking problem, one of the biggest opportunities of your life, and you decided to go four, Loco and fireball beforehand.

Even the bear was laughing at the end of my set. Okay, and you're originally from San Bernardino, California, that is a meth haven, right? Definitely. Yeah, a lot of white people, Mexicans around you.

Well, we switched over to fentanyl. So, you know, I got you, yeah.

And you've been here for a year? No, I've been here for four weeks. Okay, how do you even know?

Who are you? What made you stop, stand up and then start again? What was the moment where you quit? Well, I didn't quit. I went back home to California and there's no mics in San Bernardino, so you know?

As you said, we were more interested in meth down there. So, you know, all right, most interesting thing that you've ever done in your entire life, a fun fact about you, perhaps, you say.

So I've done a lot of interesting things in my life. I went to Mexico and got robbed every time I went out there, which is fucking crazy. Yeah, that is crazy. We lost Brian Holtzman, everybody.

No, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake, are you?

Okay, DK, I'm gonna get you out of here. Take a little joke book. Can you catch this? Oh, definitely.

All right, here we go, oh.

No bueno, DK with a little joke. Book drop, Come back, Come back. I got something for you. Oh, a gift from Brian Holtzman. Here it is.

What's it gonna be? Oh, magnum condoms.

Wow, I took a guess. I took a guess. Someone's gonna be jerking off into a condom tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Arthur Martirosian. everybody, Arthur Martirosian.

60 seconds uninterrupted, make some fucking noise.

What's up? Good to be here. First time I did stand up, I was actually 13 years old, now I'm 24, learning a few things about life, I'm learning that. Don't ever try to compare a girl to a famous girl if you're trying to win her over and impress her.

I thought I couldn't lose. I told this girl that she looked exactly like Margot Robbie. That's a pretty good comparison. She's like, depends which movie. And don't say Wolf of Wall Street. And then I was like, I was gonna say Wolf of Wall Street, so I messed up that one.

But the point being, you could go up to any guy. I could go up to Red Band and be like, Dude, you look exactly like LeBron James. And he'd be like, Thanks, man. I'm from Ohio, it's pretty similar. My name is Arthur Martirosian, I'm Armenian.

Clap if you know what an Armenian is, if you guys ever heard of that.

Now we see why that whole genocide happened. You know what I mean?

Wow, wow, that was fucking horrible, dude, you made DK look like Louis C.K.

Jesus fucking Christ dude, how many four locos and fireballs have you done today? Absolutely zero. All right. Okay, Arthur? Well, let's fucking talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Well, I used to do stand-up when I was younger and then I stopped before the pandemic. I'm from L.A. Okay, just why don't you just we don't know how old you are? So you did it for two years and then you stopped when the pandemic happened, and then how long have you been back at it?

Zero, this is it, this is it. Okay, that's good, we can tell. IAN EdwArds What do you think about this? He looks like he just got kicked out of the thunder from down under.

I'll take that, thank you. You look like a pool boy that's doing comedy. I was a lifeguard. Yeah, you were a lifeguard. What do you do for work now?

Well, I'm trying to be a musician, you're trying to be a musician, so what does that mean? you're trying to be a musician? I do gigs, I do everything, but obviously haven't made it big yet, but doing my best, obviously, indeed.

Are you a better musician than you are? A comedian? I think so. how long have you been playing music? My whole life, your whole life? So how long is that?

How old are you? I just turned 24, 24 years old. What type of music do you do? Well, I moved here because of Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Okay, so you play guitar and you sing, yeah, really, yeah, do you really?

Yeah, are you sure? I'm absolutely sure. Matt Mealing What do you think, should we fucking give this guy a chance right now?

I mean, you suck so bad at standup that I don't even wanna give you the opportunity, but I wanna see if you're good at anything. Just stay over there, He'll come over to you, he'll come over to you. Arthur is a lord. Have mercy a high risk.

High risk person. Arthur, I believe that goes over your head, Arthur.

He's already coming up with excuses, ladies and gentlemen, he's got it. D-madness is pissed off. Oh, shoot professional.

Uh-oh, hold on a second.

Arthur Sing something into the fucking microphone.

Well, it's an instrumental.

Yeah, I would stick with the guitar. why are you doing comedy? Just stick with the fucking guitar.

Arthur sing something into the microphone.

All right.

I'm telling you, it's an instrumental, bro.

Is my guitar getting cut off? Yep, yeah, you didn't sing.

No, it's too late now. Arthur Martirosyan Everybody, or, as I call him, Stevie Gay Vaughan.

There you go, this is a Trojan, this is one with the reservoir at the tip, I think, is what you call it, ah. Another pack of condoms, very popular.

Another pack of condoms. Arthur, why are you trying stand-up comedy? If you're such a gifted musician? You've been doing that your whole life, you didn't stop that during the pandemic, You're god awful at comedy.

Thank you. So why are you trying comedy? Why aren't you getting better at guitar? Oh, no, I'm definitely playing guitar all day, but I just, you know, I play six-string here all the time. And once I saw you guys start picking things up at this club and everything, I was like, it's a no-brainer for me.

So it's an ego thing. No, I'm just it's not a you're like, it's all happening over there. I'm a huge fan of the show, to be honest, I'm a huge fan of the show.

I've done it before in L.A. and then I was like, you know what, it's a good opportunity to get, you did it in Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, kill Tony, yeah. I was like, How did it go then? Horrible.

It wasn't horrible, but it was not good either. I was like, Do you think tonight was horrible? today was horrible? Yeah, oh, okay, good, just making sure that you have no, no, no.

Any barometer whatsoever, I'm not trying to make it as a comedy. There he goes. Arthur MaRtiROSSiAn Everybody.

Not trying to make it as a comic, those are always the best ones that we have on this show are the people that aren't trying to make it.

He should stick to the guitar, all right. I'm gonna pull a name and then we're gonna get a regular up here. Cooper Patterson's gonna be after your next comedian, but your next comedian is a golden ticket winner out of Toronto, Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, he is here, live in the flesh.

One of the greatest Golden ticket winners ever in the history of the show from Toronto, Canada. It's Jared Nathan, everybody here he is.

A few weeks ago, I met this chick after my show in Toronto.

It was only interesting, I thought we were gonna hook up.

And she offered me a ride home and told me something was gonna go. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-alone.

When we got into her car.

Then?

She told me, Open my eyes.

So I did.

I think I kind of know what went on in that story.

Why haven't you not smoked weed? I'm trying to keep my head clear of this finding.

I went to the B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b.

B-b-b-b-b-bad.

B-b-b-b-bad. I don't think so Tony, I do think so you son of a bitch.

Jared, What's going on? Tell us more, Ian, Have you ever seen anything quite like this fucking stud? Yeah, the funny thing is, I'm sitting behind and Holtzmann and he still spit on me when he was telling me the joke.

BRIAN HOLTZMANN I am, uh, I just love your presentation, your pronunciation. I mean, I'm not gonna say anything that's gonna get me in trouble, but I will say, if anybody needs condoms, it's you.

This is ecstasy, trojan condoms, and it feels like there's nothing there.

Bad to the bone, you're a fucking b-b-b-b-b-b-b-boner.

That whole thing was trash. Oh my god, how many b-b-b-s does he need to say before you guys hit a b-b-b-button in this fucking thing? B-b-b-boxy? Okay, very good.

JaREd, Let me ask you this you just got a fresh pack of condoms from the great Brian Holtzmann. What are the odds of you using them? What do you think you're gonna end up doing with those? You gonna make some b-b-b-balloon animals or something?

Oh shit water. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-.balloon animals Tony.

He is the first retarded guy on stage and he has the best set out of anybody so far and the best interview.

Retarded doesn't mean stupid. That's right, I know Jared, that's right, I'm stupid.

Yeah.

I'm the one that invites you back anytime you want, I know. So what's been going on this week? Anything interesting in Austin, Texas?

We know you get around, we frequent the same coffee shop, we run into each other a lot, eat some good food, that's right.

What have you been eating? I eat some CM smokehouse. Ooh, okay, pretty good.

Yeah, do you have the..?

I love the umbrella.

We've seen this before. Every once in a while he switches, the attitude, gets b-b-b-bad. I love you so much Jared Nathan. you are one of the Golden Ticket winners that make me so proud every single week.

You're a freak of nature. New minutes, I love your style, you're crushing it. He's a freak of nature.

He visits regularly from Toronto, Canada. Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody.

Nick Devlin's gonna be after your next comedian. Nick Devlin is after the name that I pulled before this, which is Cooper Patterson everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted to Cooper Patterson, everyone.

Cooper Patterson We don't have a Cooper Patterson loaded up there, he is Cooper Patterson, everybody.

Hi, So I was born with a hearing loss and I wear these cochlear implants, and okay, it's not the worst, but it's not the best. But one of the best perks is that I have Bluetooth in my hearing aid so I can listen to music wherever I go.

It's like I have AirPods on, but I don't look like a douchebag, so it's a nice perk. And also, if I want to get out of a conversation, I can just say, Oh, no, my hearing aid battery died. And walk away from you. It's nice. And I think out of all the disabilities, hearing loss is the best. I don't know about blind people besides playing the piano.

Is that good enough?

Okay, he's ending it five seconds early, all right. Does that come along with hearing loss, the sense of timing as well? all right.

Welcome to the show Cooper Patterson. How are you? My friend? I'm good. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? about five years now?

Where at Iowa? And then I just recently moved to Dallas on Thursday. Oh, congratulations. Why'd you pick Dallas?

They gave me a job in Dallas. What's the job that they gave you in Dallas? Camera operator for a company called Gototeam. Oh, okay, you just gave them a little shout-out there.

Shout-out to Gototeam Yeah, you already did. you did. you did it, okay, Cooper?

Very, very fun. What do you guys think about Cooper, Patterson, Brian?

First of all, I like the way your t-shirt just hangs right close to you. Does the company you work for? Do they get a tax credit because you have a hearing aid sticking out of your skull?

I mean, what's next was somebody with a missing leg. Are there any healthy people in the alley?

So everybody is fucked up. I was just thinking, that shit, and the fucked up thing is when they say Cooper Patterson, whoever I pictured as being Cooper Patterson walked out.

It's like, the whitest guy ever, with the whitest name ever, and shit, it really is. I just sense that your parents are still together. They go to church on Sundays, no church.

They're together, but no church, right? You have one sister, two sisters, that's it, right.

Just the two sisters, right, and one brother, you have a younger brother. They got hook caps hanging out of their ears too. Yeah, do they have fucked up ears, too?

What?

You know what, you son of a bitch?

Does either one of them play piano or bass guitar? That's true, you made a joke about blind people, so I just thought I'd mention that now. D-madness is it did not fall under deaf ears what you said with d-madness.

You know what's good about you, you can't even bomb because you won't even hear yourself having a bad set. That's true, you can just rationalize it. Like, I think my hearing aid battery went dead after all my punch lines.

Has being deaf ever been a benefit to you? Does it help you in some ways? It's starting to. Are you one of those guys that was more deaf for a while? And then the technology caught up and there's a video with you and your family crying and shit.

Mr. Beast.

I was the family after the video.

Holtzman's trying to do some sign language. Do you understand what he's saying? I think he just described what kind of condoms he's going to give you.

Yeah, yeah. He described them as medium rare. Okay, Cooper, what's your sex life like? You seem like a real oaky white boy, middle of Iowa.

You probably had a high school sweetheart, right? Yeah, nothing like that. You ever been in love, yeah.

You have, how did that go for you? Not wow.

Oh my goodness, how long did it last? about seven months and how did it end? I walked away and moved here.

Oh, my goodness, you left her in Iowa. Yeah, but it's mutual.

Doesn't sound mutual. She called you back, but you couldn't hear her.

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper. It's the night of the handicaps.

All the handicapped spots are taken tonight.

There's more freaks on this show than at Bucky's.

A problem?

Holy shit, it's like Carnival Kill Tony on this show.

It is a little bit of a freak show. Cooper Do you have any special skills or talents other than being a stand-up comedian? I know how to cook more than other white people. All right. What about the Blacks?

It's okay, we figured out earlier, retards can't be racist.

I'm a straight white male with a hearing loss. I'm a minority and a majority at the same time. How old are you, 26, 26.?

Wow, I thought you were younger, but you have the hearing of a 98-year-old. Yes, I was born with the soul. I have the soul of a 98-year-old man, I think.

Woody, Why do you say that? Give us an example of why you think you have an old soul. When I was in elementary school, I went up to the adult in the cafeteria to tell the kids to be quiet. Oh shit, why?

You couldn't fucking hear him.

Oh my God, that is pretty crazy, that, of all the things, get him out, get him the fuck off the stage. Cooper, Here's a little joke book.

Catch that, Oh Jesus, the rough night for the catches. Pick it up. Where'd it go?

In his bag, he just swatted it to the ground. Zero catches tonight by the comedians, a very, very odd statistic night. You're going to get a gift from the great Brian Holtzman.

I'm going to give you the ultra ripped because you seem like a dicey, deaf guy.

There he goes, Cooper, Patterson, everybody on to the next one, we go.

Funny shit man, good sport man, yeah.

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This week, Clayton Kershaw pitched more than 5.5 strikeouts. I won $120 doing that. So, go download the PrizePix app immediately. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Devlin, Everybody.

Nick Devlin Make some noise for Nick, everyone.

You guys having any fucking fun tonight, huh?

Don't worry, I'm not disabled.

I don't think I'm a good person, but I'm definitely a better person than my dad, if you know what I mean. He called me the other day and he goes, Hey, son, you know, I'm not sexist, right? I said, Nope, that's news to me, dad. He goes, Well, I'm just saying, because being sexist is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

All right, dad, let's backpedal. I think this is a sign that you are sexist. I mean, either this or the fact that the electric fence outside is for mom, not the dog, right?

He's homophobic, too. That's a pretty misleading word, isn't it? Homophobic? That sounds like that would be awesome, doesn't it? Just a bunch of people genuinely afraid of gay people?

Not even in a sexual way, just genuinely afraid for their lives. When they were children, they went running to their parents room in the middle of the night because they thought Freddie Mercury was in the closet.

Mom, he's doing the vibrato again. Okay, that's it, guys. Thank you, I'm Nick Devlin. I appreciate it.

NICK DEVLIN Wow, again. The more handicapped the person is, the better they do tonight. It is incredible. This is an anomaly.

I love that you came out and bragged about not being handicapped and then just ate a pile of shit for 60 seconds straight. Don't worry, I'm not one of those freaks. Oh God, yeah, I just suck. How long have you been doing stand-up, Nick?

A year, a year, where at here, No, I'm from Massachusetts.

I just moved here. What do you do for a living? I do administrative work for a genetics laboratory in Germany. That's where the great sense of humor comes from, nothing funnier than your local administrator.

What made you want to get into comedy? It's just something to do. Yeah, sure, a little fucking throwaway hobby. Don't put any effort into it.

No talent whatsoever, you don't have to be naturally good at it, you don't need to work at it. No, obviously, no, no, I don't know.

Just something to do, just fucking something to do, like walking in a park, it's like nothing, huh, you son of a bitch?

How dare you disrespect such a beautiful art form? What else do you do? That's something to do that you like to do.

People know me as like the backpacking guy. Oh, they know what they do. Oh, that's the backpacking guy. Yeah, no, like, I've done....

Yeah, explain that that people know you as the backpacking guy, so I've done over 5,000 miles of wilderness backpacking, so it's like, you know, wow, that's great.

Let's just hike into nowhere and then come back and tell everybody about it, yeah.

I think we found a serial killer who's been killing all the men. Yeah, this is it, no doubt about it. Have you ever thought about murdering somebody? Nick Most definitely, yeah.

A couple times, yeah, like, give us an example of that. Oh God, I would really like to murder my co-worker. There's two of us who do my job in the country.

And she's nice, it's just she sucks at her job and it makes me upset. Wow, I think we actually found a serial killer. I thought we were going to have a compelling interview and it looks like we're actually solving a crime right now.

Came out here dressed like Dexter, yeah.

Yeah, you seem like the kind of guy that just stays awake and stares at the girl after she falls asleep. Yeah, a lot of sniffing. perhaps. Do you do a lot of sniffing to the sleeping person?

I do have a really good nose.

Come on Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope.

No, because you're up in the woods like a jackass.

You're as far away from Dayton as possible out there.

So, like, give us an example. The last girl you were with, what goes on there? was that like a one night stand. Were you in a relationship for a while?

Yeah, so I got to Austin and I went on Hinge, uh-huh, and I met a girl who's from Bastrop. Oh, okay, that should have been easy.

Yeah.

It was pretty easy. So what happened? Give us a rundown of your date, Where do you meet her? Where do you go?

What's the plan? So we went to a place called Clicks in East Riverside. Okay, what's Clicks? It's a pool bar.

Okay, the part of a woman's body below the belly button.

At least you could find that Clicks the GPs will take you there, okay, so you go to Clicks. You're at a pool bar, right?

And then what happens? Nick? We got two games in and then we went back to my place and watched Batman. Okay, which version of Batman did you watch? Are we talking about Michael Keaton, perhaps?

We're talking about the Dark Knight. Oh no, she hadn't seen it. Oh no, okay.

So how far in do you make it? And then she looks at you and goes, Why so serious?

You're just staring at her like that.

So what goes on? What part of the movie does the magic happen at? I think, like, 40 minutes in, that's when we were like, and that's when you kill her.

Yeah, I was like, Yeah, I'll fuck you first, but then yeah, it's gonna....

We don't even believe you can get laid after you murder her.

You can hear us, you can see us, you can smell us, you have no problems downstairs, you don't have any blossomy bags or anything.

I'm gonna give you a.

Ultra thin These are ultra thin because you look like somebody who really would like it to be ultra thin. I don't know. Yeah, that's true.

Fuck yeah, and you get a little joke book. Let's see if you can break the streak of non-catches tonight. Here we go, there he goes.

There he goes, Nick Devlin, everybody.

Wild wild lineup Tonight, we're gonna get one of our regulars up here. I'm gonna pull a name. Cody Swindell will be next, but it's that time, ladies and gentlemen.

One of our great regulars, one of the great roasters, one of the great writers, one of the great performers. Crushing all around the world, Hiltoni's very own David, Motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

I think that gay guys and trans men were born from C-sections.

I really do, because if you were born natural, then your first interaction in life was eating pussy, you know what I mean?

Like, when I was born, I was eating my mama's pussy, nigga like.

That's why I love my mom more than I love my dad, you know?

Like, I love my mom's pussy, bro, I did like, I love my mom's pussy so much. I was crying that they took me out of it. I'm like, Hey man, put me back in this stanky motherfucker.

Hey, y'all seen that new birth control that these girls get in their arm, bro, that shit is weird. y'all seen that shit? Girls get birth control in their arm, like, that shit is weird as fuck.

It's like, I don't trust that birth control in your arm, bitch, that shit is too far from your pussy.

That's like me putting a condom on top of my head. What the fuck are we doing?

Alright, man, it's my time. Wow, powerful, the one and only David Lucas at it again. Absolutely incredible as always.

Unstoppable for.

That nigga ugly boy, that nigga Ian look like the Ebola virus.

If you look under a microscope and see Ebola, you see a picture of Ian. Ass, man, get your motherfucking dark skin, Mahatma Gandhi looking ass up out of here. For 75 cents a day, you can feed this nigga boy.

Look at this nigga master splinter looking ass nigga, where your turtles at nigga get the fuck up outta here that nigga live in a mansion.

Let's see what you're doing. You don't want me to get none in. Okay, go ahead, brother, go ahead, you scared motherfucker.

You's a big, scared motherfucker. Go ahead, nigga.

How you do your daughter's hair and your hair the same way, nigga.

I'm gonna try to pile it on me and not give me a chance. You asshole bro, your ass look like a creole mosquito, nigga.

What type of nigga is you, boy? You look like you could feed all the mosquitoes in the world, nigga?

Man, sit your blind ass down before we take you somewhere else nigga. shut up before I take you to Vulcan nigga.

This nigga dressed like Bruce Lee going to a funeral. Boy, your ass, that flower got water in it. If you squirt it, that flower, you can squirt water out of it, nigga.

You ain't got no money nigga, they gonna put you in a home, you better settle down, motherfucker, you too old to be doing them outbursts nigga.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and I'm gonna.

Presume that he's gonna use the Magnum condoms. I don't use no condoms, nigga. he doesn't use any condoms. I got three kids.

Yeah, he's got three kids from three different baby mamas, so.

It's a long drive to California. You better not knock anybody up. My friend, I don't use condoms, bro, he lives here and he doesn't use condoms.

He's a barebacker, he's a barebacker, he's a bare, he's a barebacker. We've had backpackers and barebackers up here tonight.

You going crazy up here, man, what the fuck? I don't use condoms, take the fucking condom, you gotta stop buying them.

Suits from the car wash nigga.

Them Mexicans caught you coming, nigga, my friend, my friend, you want a suit?

He is dressed like he robs coffins. Yeah, what?

Hey Ian, you look like you get an IV every night, nigga. That motherfucker get an IV of blood. He get a pint of blood every night before he go to sleep. Did your gym burn down?

Did your gym burn down? I want my money back. Man. Ian. You look like you get dialysis for fun, nigga. Get your motherfucking ass out of here, bro.

Bad blood, half an ass nigga, you better not walk by a steakhouse, they'll sell you nigga.

Wow, David Lucas, absolutely on fire. That was amazing. Did your gym burn down? Unbelievable.

That's one of the best roast jokes I've ever heard in my life. I agree it really is. And did you burn it down?

The gym Being on fire is the only way you could ever burn a calorie.

Tony, you look like the type of nigga to go to sleep in a big t-shirt.

I actually do I have a big t-shirt with a bowl of popcorn, nigga.

What's funny is I was about to say the same thing about you. You actually look like you go to sleep in a much bigger t-shirt with a bigger bowl of popcorn. You know what, you can't use them, but your mother can.

He only get one every five minutes. Nigga, where your correspondents at Nigga tweaking, Boy, you look like them Mexicans that sell shit in between the cars.

David, What else is going on with your life this week? What have you been up to? Shit, man, just on tour, bro, make sure y'all check out the website davidlucascomedy.com bro.

That's it, man. your fishing show is awesome, man. I just want to say that it's amazing. Thank you bro.

Oh, wow, we gotta get Tony on it, I gotta get Holtzman, I gotta get Ian on it, Red, I gotta get you on it.

I'd like to do it, Yeah, I'd like to do it.

You might eat the bait nigga.

Tony gonna sit on the pole, nigga? Yeah, I will. I will put the worm in my ass. Yeah, that's where I like it.

Tony You just go to the lake and fart in the water and fish start coming.

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

When an orca sees you in the ocean, it swims to the other side.

All right, David, hold on, Holtzman had something else go ahead. I just think that, you know, we care about you and we want you to maybe skip food tomorrow and eat again.

Eat again on Wednesday. How's that?

That's it, David, you're the man. You did it again. Check out his tour. It's all happening.

So much fun. We have another comedian lined up and after that will be Doc Ferry. Doc Ferry will be after your next comedian, but your next comedian pulled out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Cody Swindell, everyone.

Cody Swindell The new Merch store is open Killmerch..com and it's absolutely thriving. Get the things before they sell out one more time for Cody Swindell, everyone.

So when I was growing up, my family wasn't really poor, we were just poor enough to be jealous. I remember I'd be at a buddy's house, he'd say some rich stuff to piss me off. He'd be like, Hey man, let's go play in the entertainment room.

I'm like, What the hell do you mean? Entertainment room, my house. We just gotta have fun throughout the house. We don't have the finances to isolate our entertainment, it's not really in the budget.

I used to get jealous at a lot of weird stuff. I remember I was at school. One day, one of my buddies came up to me and my friends and he lifted up his shirt. He had this real nasty bruise on his side.

We all got worried for him and everything. But he said, Don't say nothing because my dad pushed me down the stairs. I said, Dang man, stairs.

I said, Listen to this kid bragging about having two floors, man.

Kid's living in a house on top of a house, he's complaining about a bruise.

A wonderful performance. Cody Swindell, Welcome to the fold. This is your first time on the show, correct? My first time doing comedy was on Kill Tony in 2019. Wow.

But I didn't do my show in the main room of the comedy store in Kill. Tony. Plano You came to Dallas? Oh, we were in Plano, Texas.

How'd that go for you? Not well. Have you been doing it ever since then? It took me till after the pandemic to do my show. I've been doing it for like, over two years now.

Wow, you've been working pretty hard at it, it seems. Great delivery, well written, true to your story.

True to your form, Thanks, man. How poor are we talking? Let's talk about it, just poor enough to be jealous, man.

Incredible. What kind of car did your parents were together? Single mom No. I had both parents, my dad passed away recently, but he got me a....

I had a good car, my first car. He got me a 98 Mustang that was totaled before I got it, but it was okay. That's cool.

What did your dad do for a living? Before he passed away, he worked at Yellow Freight, worked a union job, Yellow Freight, Yellow Freight.

Does he know Bobby knee? Did he know Bobby knee? He might, he might. How did he pass away? The Big C? Had cancer?

A lot, though, he had it, like, five times.

I always love it when people die from cancer that aren't smokers. Very funny story. I smoke cigarettes so much that I worry about that. Holtzman, What were you saying?

Raw yellow with cancer. Yeah, funny story. very funny story, you know, this father getting sick and dying. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you brought that up, you know, everybody wants to. He beat cancer five times, he had it, like the sixth one got him.

He beat it like five, right? You know what they say, you only got to lose to it once. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they went for the bigger brother or something. Yeah, let me ask you a question, what does your hair or head look like? Come on, man.

Not as smooth as yours. How many rounds of cancer have you had?

Chemo boy.

I'm using my GI bill, I get a housing allowance, so you're just not working at all. Not for another two years, hopefully. Wow.

Like father, like son, incredible. He's also not working because he's passed away. Oh, thanks, how'd you get a GI bill?

And you didn't even go to the military, how'd you swing that? No, I went, I went to the air force, I kind of went to the military.

Oh, let me ask you.

Wow.

Your hair looks better. Like, lose the hat, the hat. I like this hat.

You don't like the hat? That breaks my heart a little bit. The hat's a whole thing for me. Nobody likes. No, it's not, man.

Nobody likes that hat. Did you get that hat after Jenny left you the first time?

That thing is stupid, that is a stupid hat. You did call me Tom Hanks the first time I was on? Yeah, yeah, I did.

And Demetrius Johnson Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did I say Tom Hanks? Was it a Forrest Gump joke?

It was a Forrest Gump joke. Oh okay, then that was a Forrest Gump joke. Yeah, not Tom Hanks.

No other reason would I use a Tom Hanks reference. I was trying to soften it by going with Tom Hanks. Yeah, Okie, Dokie, what's your love life?

Like Cody, you seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a girl back, have a couple mountain dews and....

Yeah, yeah, me and my wife, we chug Mountain dew daily, I love it. How long you been married? five years?

What does she do? This is the fifth year, she's a she manages, she's not a healthcare worker.

She manages healthcare workers, oh, she works with retards, people with cancer about to die of cancer. Right, right, right, real fun stuff.

Cody You have any other special skills or talents other than being a comedian? Damn dude, I'm not that talented. I'm very thin, Yeah, I know.

I can fit in like crevices and shit.

Yeah, yeah, guys, calm down. He just came out of one testicle. Yeah, doing well. There's no way he's going to weigh 150..

I'd like to ask you a question, Did you take any documents home while you were in the service? You spy, you look like a spy. Doesn't he look untrustworthy?

What is this joke? You got just a mustache and I'm untrustworthy.

I got a distrustworthy face that sucks, man. Why is the hat sentimental? That's my only question. Good question.

It's the only one that fits my white trash head, it's just it's molded to me. Now. Hats are a whole thing. The flat bills don't work.

I look like a fucking farmer. Like they sit too high. You think that works, it doesn't work, it just melds with my head.