#614 - DAVE ATTELL + JEFF ROSS

You can go to that website at sunsetstripatx.

Com Come check out the show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe..com. He's always on the road, he's going on tour.

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Com And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Are you guys ready to have the best fucking night of your lives tonight, or what?

Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

How we feeling everybody, you guys excited. Yeah, you're here. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster and Screwball peanut butter whiskey, which presents the best damn band in the land, everybody.

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Com Slash Tony, you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

You guys can do better. Are you ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is so special to me because this guy changed my fucking life well over a decade ago. I knew that I had the ability, an uncanny ability, to write roast jokes. And this guy and I worked together to make so many unbelievable things happen. One of my best friends, one of the greatest mentors I've ever had in my life, and one of the greatest guests in Kill Tony history. Let's show him some love. AUSTIN, Texas Make some fucking noise for the Roastmaster General Geoffrey Ross.

Woo.

It is true, I'm having a heart attack.

That was a lot of energy, that was so overwhelming to have such a nice welcome in Austin here at the Mothership. Kill. Tony This is amazing, thank you. We're going to have so much goddamn fun.

I hope there's good security. Your sponsor is your security. One of our sponsors is the Austin Security Guard Service, which, by the way, is the best security guard service in the world. You hope so? It sounds like a fucking long-term hit job to me.

This show is called Kill Tony.

There's one of them right there. Look at this guy, you want to fuck with that guy, he's got a beard, he doesn't even know how to smile.

Look at him, he just did gang signs, all right, he looks like special-ed forces.

I do believe it's his first night on the job here too, mine too. Let's get to it, Tony. This looks fucking fun. I love coming here.

Tony picked me up at the airport, Tony has his whole fucking crew now. Yeah, I have an entourage, a production team. I wanted to come down for Roast Battle last night, which was fucking amazing. Comics flew in from all over the country to Roast Battle each other last night. And I was one of the judges.

I told Tony I was coming down. He said. Come down, stick around and be on, kill Tony with me. It's almost his 10th year anniversary, so I couldn't resist checking in. It's amazing.

This guy and I, he got me in the writer's room on all the roasts and I used to leave. Everyone would work. It's kind of like an 11 a.m to 11 p..m job for a few weeks, and I was the only one that would leave every Monday at 7..

Everybody was kind of like, What the fuck's this guy doing? Everybody wanted to go home, but I was leaving to go do a dinky little show in the belly room of the comedy store. And now here we are, so very exciting. Jeff, you've been a guest multiple times, you know how it works? This bucket is absolutely filled with names.

Look at that, it's absolutely, ridiculously incredible. Over 200 people signed up, they're all stocked on top of one another. I saw them outside in the alley.

Yeah, it is a debacle out there. I thought it was a refugee camp, Tony said. That's my people, they're all trying to get on the show. Yeah, it's wild out there.

People are making hamburgers on makeshift grills, they're fighting, they're making friends, everything's happening. Sounds like you're a sports team.

What do they call it?

Tailgating, they're tailgating. I don't know. I smoked some of your weed, too. Tony, Tony has this ritual.

He picks me up, takes me to yoga. No one has ever gone to yoga in a corvette before, right?

Everybody knows Tony, it's crazy.

We had steaks the other night, too, we had steak. I took the leftovers. It's probably still in the trunk of your corvette.

I ate everything that night, all those sides, the au gratin potatoes and the crab fried rice. Tony, He's doing so well just for the fuck of it. Last night, he lit a homeless guy on fire.

One of my favorite things to do, One of my favorite things to do.

It's true, if I can't roast him one way, I'll roast him the other, you know what I mean?

If I pull a name out of the bucket, a comedian gets 60 seconds to do uninterrupted stage time. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and then I interview them.

The entire thing is improvised, nothing is planned, anything can happen. We all meet the person together and I try to get as much information about their lives as we possibly can. To see if maybe there's something else interesting about them that they don't know is as interesting as it is. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what?

Here we go, got a true late start time here, so we'll keep that in mind, we'll run long. I've pulled a name that's going to go that way.

And when this guy's done, we're going to go to that person. Ladies and gentlemen, starting tonight's show is one of our regulars. A very, very coveted position in the industry of stand-up comedy. Where these people have to write and perform a brand new 60 seconds every single week. It is not easy, this guy, we've seen highs.

We've seen lows, we've seen extreme drug use. Women partying, the guy used to be homeless ladies and gentlemen sing it.

If you know the words, this is Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim.

Thank you.

I think it's kind of fucked up that girls will get mad at you if you try to have sex with them. After they do their hair and makeup and put on a nice outfit, because that's when they're the hottest. I can't fuck you, when you're the hottest. I have to wait until you come home. Tired? Wipe off your makeup, put on an old t-shirt. That's when Hans gets his turn.

These bitches, they love cuddling.

The less circulation there is in my arm, the more love they feel.

If I'm ever in a UFC fight, I'm just going to lay on the dude's arm for 15 minutes.

And tell him about my day.

I love the ladies, I think it's sad that sometimes I have erectile dysfunction during sex, like this guy.

It's very hard, but it does make going through TSA a lot easier.

Do your worst boys.

How can I feel you violating me when I can barely feel the love of a woman? All right, thank you. all right. Hans Kim. So wait, you have erectile dysfunction? Uh, yes.

Is that true? I just sometimes don't get as hard as I want to get. What does that mean? Exactly like you can get hard, but just not as hard as you like, Yeah, and it's not as quick.

There's a lot of, like, you know, manual labor. Oh yeah, I think you have to say manual labor. After doing that, you've already painted the picture completely.

Is that the cocaine? I mean, that's one of the things with cocaine, that's what I've been blaming it on recently, so you're back on cocaine. No, but she doesn't know that.

Oh.

I see, okay, so sex with them after they get ready, that's an interesting premise. Is that a thing that you actually do?

I do try to do that a lot. But what we found out about you in the past is that you're just trying to have sex with your girlfriend literally all the time. Is this still the case? No, she brings a lot of her friends over, so I can't fuck her when her friends are there, that's true.

You cannot fuck her in front of her friends. I'm glad that you figured that out, my sweet sweet Hans.

So you just bide your time and then what happens? And then I'm like, Hey, do you want to take a nap real quick? Ah, the old Korean nap?

Ah, we know about this.

Yes, indeed, okay. So then what happens? So you go to your bed, then what happens, Hans? And then I'm like, I could give you a massage, and then I give her a massage.

Ah, Korean massage everybody, you can't even make it up. What else do you do? Math problems come on.

I love it. What else is going on in life? Hans? I recently went to Zilker Park and invited a bunch of comedians. We did karaoke at Barton Springs. Ah, what'd you sing?

Uh, hey, there Delilah. Okay, can you give us a little example of what that sounds like? You guys have that, you guys know that one.

One, two, three, four.

Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away. But girl, tonight you look so pretty. Yes, you do.

Times Square can't shine as bright as you. I swear it's true.

Hans Kim Everybody unbelievable. That was actually impressive, absolutely adorable.

Adorable.

Massages and karaoke, folks, you can't make it up. That was so unexpected and beautiful. It's what happens. That is just our first comedian of the night.

This is like a love fest all night long. Baby. We're not like Hans, we're gonna stay hard all night. Am I right?

Your first comedian straight out of the bucket, Ladies and Gentlemen, goes by the name of Lucas Gootz. Everyone. The Kill Tony debut I do Believe of Lucas Gootz. It's Lucas Everyone.

My best friend, Jerry just got a job at the morgue. Shout out to that guy, he knows where he is, he's not here, he couldn't get tickets.

He got a job at the morgue of all places. I'm like, Jerry, that's spooky. That's where ghosts hang out, right? He's like, you'll never believe how I got this job, he said. I only got this job because the old guy. He got caught eating the booty of one of the dead cadavers.

Kind of spooky, right? Eating the booty of dead cadavers. I was like, Jerry, that's disgusting, you can't be serious. He's like, Yeah, dead ass.

Thank you, so I have a girlfriend heard this joke.

Yeah, I like her a lot, she's getting fat, she's starting to look a lot like Mike Wazowski.

You guys know Mike Wazowski Monster, Inc.

You know, the tits, the guts and the ass are all the same. She comes to her body, give her a nice, circular build. He liked it all right. Fuck yeah.

She cheats on me, though, but that's okay. There is good news, though she is pregnant. I'm probably going to be a thank you. I can apply for that.

Probably going to be a dad, statistically likely a stepdad.

We're going to have the gender reveal party on Sunday, then a little bit later we're going to have the race reveal party.

Thank you, there you go, Lucas Gootz, everybody. am I saying that right? Gootz?

Yes, sir, it is gootz. I'm part Jewish and German, but the German part of my family dominated the Jewish part, so I have a weird name. Thank you.

What the fuck?

Okay, Jeffrey Ross, I'm going to start with you. I want to know what you think about this. That felt like two minutes, it did.

I don't know if I missed a cat in there somewhere, or that was an eternity. Yeah, German and Jewish. My guess is he's always having an internal battle. You know what I mean exactly? Well, throw yourself in the oven after that performance.

No, come on, you need to let some of those jokes bake a little longer. I really enjoyed Freddie Mercury poisoning.

He looks like if one of the characters from Friends died of AiDs, that is true. So no one told you life was going to be this way.

So let's get into it. Lucas Gootz I feel bad for making fun of you. I feel bad for making fun of you. Aren't you Jewish, too? yeah.

Wait, why did you say you feel bad? But when I'm with Tony, I don't like Jews. That's true. when I'm on my own, I like Jews, but when I'm here with Tony, look, I'm wearing my yeezys, yeah.

That's hilarious.

Abso-fucking-lutely So Lucas Gootz, let's talk about it. That was a lot of set-ups, little pay-offs at the end, but you got them. You talk really fucking fast. Is that something you've always done?

Only when I'm nervous. only when I'm nervous. do you hear that? you don't even know you do it? Do you? only when I'm nervous?

Only when I'm nervous. Okay, Lucas, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? A little over two years now? Where are you from?

Originally Bryan College Station area. What?

It's where the aggies are. Texas A&M University. They made some noise in the back, they know, Okay, thank you. You don't have to say they made noise, they just make noise, and then you were talking.

What do you do for work? I used to work for a legal insurance company, but I quit that to work at HEB. So the answer is HEB, much like your setup, so you could really trim the fat on some of these answers. It's incredible.

What do you do at Heb, the greatest grocery store ever known to human existence? Thank you, fuck with fruits and vegetables. Oh, I bet you do. We have both coming up later in the show, so it's very exciting.

I love it. Fruits and vegetables, so you're in the produce section full-time. Yes, sir, stocking the cantilopes.

I know I love calling them that for some reason, I don't know. Okay, so Lucas, tell us something about what you do, about your personal life, give us some information. What else other than stand-up comedy? what makes you Lucas Gutes?

I like to go diving in the river sometimes. Okay, all right, are you talking about? Perhaps down by rainy street after a night of drinking? Oh man?

No, a little something for the locals out there, you know what I mean? No, nothing there, but crabs.

Good one Lucas, Good one Lucas, you son of a bitch. Okay, when you're not diving in rivers, what else?

Basketball Okay, what's your love life like? Do you get nervous around girls? How are you doing? Nice to meet you?

What's your name? what do you do? It's right here, you're looking at it, It's my right hand.

Oh, that's disgusting. Oh my God, that is unbelievable. When's the last time you've been romantic with a woman a couple weeks ago?

Okay, that's not bad. Would you do jerk-off on her?

You're like, Look, I want to hook up with you, but I'm in a full-time relationship.

Should I repeat that? No, we don't think you should repeat it. Lucas, Where'd you meet this girl two weeks ago? Oh, she was a chuckle fucker, okay, and she chose you, huh?

I thought you had to get the chuckles in order to get the fuckles.

I slow down a little bit when I'm drunk, but yeah, I didn't have that opportunity. Wow, from the set-up to the bed-up, you know what I mean?

Wow, incredible. So how does that go for you? You seem like a premature ejaculator.

Only on days that end in. Y. Wow, I kind of hate you, Lucas.

Like this young body with jokes of like a grandfather.

Incredible Lucas, any other fun facts about you that you think set you apart from everybody else? Any other lifetime accomplishments? any fun facts, any deformities or anything like that?

Nothing, really. I was going to do a penis joke, but no, we've heard enough of that. We see your sense of humor, it's really, really okay. By the way, you are standing there like you're about to belt out a fucking song.

I don't know it worked for Hans, I don't know if it would have worked for him, It's not going to work for him. Here's a little joke book, though.

Catch There you go, Lucas gutes Everybody, thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Bones Eye makes these joke books. This one says, Stop with a hand, Oh my God.

Yep, kill Tony on a Monday night, Dave Attell is here. I hope you don't mind. I told him to just walk out when he got here.

Tony I was at the old location, I apologize.

Really, the belly room at this comedy, they got some crazy stuff going on over there. Dave, you look like, I'm sorry, I'm late, guys.

I was outside, making sure everything's covered in fentanyl, all right.

What happened, Jeff? What's happening? You look like You're dressed for today and tomorrow, Thank you.

And this crowd is here to play. Am I right, Tony? They really are die-hard comedy fans.

You're looking good. What happened to you buddy? You good? Yeah, No, I'm good. He took buddy yoga class today.

He stood on his head and now he's red. Wow, that's what happens. That's true. I thought there was a TikTok challenge to stay in a pizza oven or something.

You know what I love about a new club? Adjusting the audio? Thanks for bringing me up all right. Here we go. you sound good.

How do I look? You didn't say anything about it. Well, you've been very busy in the Ukraine lately, but you know, we have missiles. No, come on.

Give it up for Vladimir Gluten.

You can do better, let's hear it. Wow, this is a fucking tough dance. If I've ever seen one, Dave looks like he's here to fix the bathroom.

If you can find it now, this is definitely a hall of mirrors. This is great man. I was just in Phoenix dude.

It's hot, hot, even the dogs wear shoes. I saw fake tits, I was in Phoenix, I saw fake tits melt in the heat.

Oh man, they have to water their old people there they do.

Well, I don't know what's happening here. Is this like a comedy show or a legal drag brunch? What's happening? It's a little bit of both, by the way. Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross and Dave Attell is on Netflix, and they're in Santa Ynez, June 23rd.

The casino, right, the Chumash, we're doing a show there. I love it. Where else, Tony?

I'll be at the Wilbur, that's right. Jeff Ross is in Portland August 4th and 5th, Detroit September 29th, and the Wilbur Theatre shows added in Boston on September 30th. So catch the Roastmaster General doing a stand-up comedy, Jeff, where are you going? Detroit?

Andiamo celebrity showroom. Oh my God, who's booking your tour? Dianne Feinstein You deserve better.

I love Dianne Feinstein and I love Beat on the Road, I love it. It's the best crowds in the world right now. Here is amazing. But people, I think the pandemic made people miss comedy.

Live shows, Yeah, no doubt about it. Speaking of which, we're at one right now. And I pulled a name out of the bucket. This guy gets 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then we talk to him afterwards. You've been on the show multiple times, Dave.

We're honored to have you. How about one more time for the great Dave Battelle, one of the best in the motherfucking world right now? On this stage, that Feinstein thing was too much. I'll pull back.

Save it for our casino gig. I pulled a name out 60 seconds, uninterrupted Ladies and gentlemen. Right now, making his Kill Tony debut, anything can happen out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jackson Leon. Everybody, here we go.

Jackson Leon here, he is great to see you.

What's up? I just moved down here to Austin a couple days ago and I kind of got to tell you about what I saw on 6th Street. You might be used to it, but this shit's crazy to me. I saw this lady, she's just standing around, literally across the street from here.

She was bent over, I don't know if she was cracked out or what, she had no pants on at all. And that's not the crazy shit that I'm about to tell you, the crazy shit is that she had her gut. It was hanging down real low.

About three inches below her pussy. I only got a quick glance at this, maybe I got it wrong. I don't know what the picture you have in your head is, and I'm sorry that I had to paint that. But it's different than what you have. Because you might be thinking like, a really large woman. I don't know if you've ever seen somebody's gut who's had liposuction, but it was just skin hanging down.

A good two inches below there. I don't know I could do a different fucking minute, I didn't plan that shit. You're on a roll.

Don't leave us hanging. What happened, Jackson? What happened, Jackson? I'm half hard. Finish the story.

One minute almost uninterrupted for Jackson Leon, Everybody, make some noise for Jackson, everyone.

I could do this like therapy. That material's better in front of a tire fire. That's real hobo shit. I thought that was a police report, I didn't know what you were....

JACKSON You're literally talking about something that everybody sees all the time, including outside on their way here, and you use that for your minute. Making fun of a fat person Are you aware that you are fat? No, no, no, she wasn't fat, she looked like she had like a liposuction stomach.

What do you think she would say about you if she had a minute right now? What do you think she would say she saw?

I don't know. I saw a kid wearing a South Park shirt while looking like a character from South Park. That's what I think, easy.

So let's talk about it. JaCKsON Absolutely zero punchlines in 59 seconds. That's not true. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? This is probably my seventh or eighth time.

Okay, is it something that you take seriously? Well, I did it fucking around when I was driving in D..C. and then I did it a couple times in Pittsburgh. And I live up in Duluth, Minnesota. You don't know where that is. Well, what is the name of your food truck?

I mean, really.

I've worked that one, this guy's been all over. What do you do for work? Go ahead, Jackson, I've done tons of shit.

What do you do now? Right now I have money saved up and I'm just going to look for a job in a couple weeks. How much money do you have saved up? Honestly, it's one of my favorite questions to ask on this show, can I guess?

I'm just looking at you, I'm going to guess that your nest egg right now, and be honest with me, $4,200, that's over, that's over. No, it's more.

You guys want to take a guess we could do this? Price is right style. After this show, we're going to hang out. I know this woman, her pussy's hanging down with her liposuction.

Don't fuck a guy like you. Thank you. How much do you have saved up? At the moment? It's probably about $7,000. I'm getting $2,000 soon.

Holy shit, what happened? what happened?

Did that come out of you, Jeff? What was that? There's a trumpet behind you. Dave Jackson is a broken ankle away from bankruptcy right now. This is very exciting.

Dave's tired. He spent the whole day trying to download Uber on his phone.

Kind of close, you really gave it to him tonight. Tone. That's not fair. He's a good kid, can't you see? He has to work on the highway?

I mean, look at him, this guy, he looks like he escaped from a Jack Black prison camp.

Nice one, I think he's a good guy. Jackson, you've done stand-up seven or eight times. Tell us what do you do for fun? What do you do?

I really just like to travel and try to meet new people, see fun, shit, just go to cities, see what's going on. Can you give us an example of one of the highlights of these endeavors of yours as of recent something that you did?

Well, I was in D.

C So was I, yeah.

I was the guy going up the steps, I think I saw you going the other way.

I'm sorry son, go ahead. What were you saying? Come on, this is serious. Tony has to pick the next unpaid intern.

Go ahead.

Can you wash a lotus?

This guy looks like he stormed the Capitol grill.

JACKSON Don't take it so personally, for God's sake, you were in D.C. and then what?

Yeah, this is more of a bit than a story. What's around this area? Well, it's just something interesting. I was in D..C. and I wanted to get some weed because I'm high as fuck right now.

You know where they have the best weed? Holocaust Museum, honestly?

I mean, it's so good, you will not remember. I mean, I'm sorry.

Never forget, I'm trying to connect to the local militia crowd.

He's great seven times up there, dude, you're killing it, you're doing good, but don't go dirty right away.

Work everyone into it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I've never said any of this on stage. This was yesterday, right? I didn't have to say it.

Some things should just be spray painted on a wall. You know what I'm saying, Let me ask you this, you've done it seven or eight times tonight.

You talked about something that you saw yesterday. Can you give us an example of one quick joke that you did? One of the seven or eight other sets that you've done so that we have any idea what you're capable of whatsoever? Yeah, okay, I was talking about D..C. I was in D..C.

Trying to buy weed? The weird thing there is, you can own weed, you can smoke weed, but you can't buy weed. So what you do is you go and you buy a shirt or a fucking piece of art, and they give you some weed. And they call that a gift. Yeah, I know that's not what a gift is. Because I didn't see a single fucking prostitute on the corner with a t-shirt rack selling fucking blowjobs.

Wow, I would have paid $1,000 for that shirt. I don't even need the goddamn blowjob, I'll just re-gift that. Okay, how about, like a joke, perhaps?

Something that like.

I thought it was pretty good. Standards are higher here than Northern Minnesota. JaCKSON That was good. A Yelp review.

JACKSON You have your own style, it's definitely different. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book from the great Bonesite. Can you catch it?

Ready, here we go, good job, there he goes, everybody, Jackson Leon.

Good one. Jackson All right, Jackson, Good buddy. That was good. Now. This is an exciting moment, ladies and gentlemen, because we do have one of our golden ticket winners in town, everybody.

This young man is a freak of nature. What does that mean? This is one of the guys that's coming for everybody's jobs. One of the young superstars of the Mothership just moved to Austin, Texas. This guy, unlike many of the others that you've seen recently. This guy got his golden ticket five years ago, at the age of 21, on one of his first appearances ever.

You're about to watch the force of nature ladies and gentlemen make some noise. For Enrique Chacon, Yes.

Yo yo yo.

So yeah, man, it was all fun and games until I actually went into the restroom and the lesbian that was hitting on me all night, trying to fingerback me.

So yeah, man, I got molested by this lesbian and it was the best day of my life.

Thank you, Enrique Chacon, ladies and gentlemen.

A minute filled with laughter and energy. The great Enrique Chacon comedian. Buc-ee's employee Buc-ee's employee baby. Buc-ee's is the greatest gas station known to, man you've never been in a Buc-ee's.

Oh, you're in for a treat, Dave, you know about Buc-ee's right, you stay in there. First of all, I'm going to say....

Sorry, I.

Wow.

I didn't mean.

I'm sorry under a pseudonym, so don't try to go to his room.

Now this is the next level of the competition, correct? Because this person is a pro all the way through. I appreciate you, man.

Honestly, get a test. Thank you brother, he's a regular. He got like a special golden ticket to come on without having to thanks Gramps.

You know, I get it, thanks.

No, please, yeah, please.

What honey? what? you? asked? A question? I don't know what to say. I'm kind of blown away. I was really impressed.

So Enrique, tell Dave and Jeff some stuff about your life, Tell these guys they're seeing you for the first time. Oh yeah, so working at Buc-ee's man, I wear the mascot suit sometimes, man.

I haven't lost a pound, bro, and I'm pissed off about that shit, dude. They said I was going to lose weight, man, and I recently chipped my tooth, bro. And I was trying to put a workman's claim right? But they were going to drug test me, so I was like, Nah, I'm good dude, I'm good.

So Enrique, originally from Houston, Texas, found you five years ago. You're 26 now, I'm 26 now. Yeah, right, and you just moved to Austin.

What's your living situation like, man? I live in a seven-acre property, bro, so I went from town home living to country living, bro. Nobody told me about all these fucking bugs, dude.

There's tarantulas in Texas, bro, I never fucking heard of that shit, bro, ever, man. We call them migrants.

Now.

Step it up, Enrique, If you want to be the next mayor, step it up.

He's the best.

That one got an under-the-table bump. Yes, man, I hit something hard, I know that.

Save it for Chumash casino June 26th nice pluck that is June 23rd in Santa Aniz. This Enrique is great.

Yeah, I'm gonna throw it down right now. Do you want to do a guest spot on my show tomorrow? Oh.

What kind of hospitality is this, Tony?

I got you, I'm gonna invite you to whatever the fuck you want, dude. Thanks Dave. Thanks Enrique Enrique Chacon, you fucking did it again.

You're proving exactly your strength and your promise. It's unbelievable. There he goes. Enrique Chacon Ladies and gentlemen, follow me at Enrique Comedy. have a good night.

That's the future right there. That's what it looks like. Definitely come by. That's so nice, Dave, he kinda looks like Wednesday, fucked Thursday.

And I like that, and he sounds like an old Black lady. That's good, I like it. Fluffy's fluffer.

He was great.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna meet him all together. Not easy to follow Enrique Chacon, but ladies and gentlemen, here's the kill Tony debut of Logan Farr Everyone Logan Farr, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

To Logan Farr.

What's up guys? Whoa, y'all are noticing some shit about me? Do you know how fucked up it is to be a veteran, missing both your legs and not have lost them in war?

I got hit by a train on my 21st birthday. Yeah, I tell you guys that as a PSA, please be very, very specific with your birthday wishes.

That is not the train I wanted to be a part of Nice.

Whoa good one, I'm loving it, oh.

Shit, I thought I said something.

That's a great one. Kinda fucked up, though, because I gotta ask a lot of ignorant questions like Logan, why did you pick the black legs?

It's cause they're faster.

Nice one. Logan Ladies and Gentlemen, The kill tony debut of Logan Farr. Absolutely incredible, my friend.

I know this guy you do. Were you the conductor?

How do you know him? From Roast Battle? He's done Roast Battle in the Belly Room in L..A. and Roast Battle last night. He did an amazing, fucking epic battle in a national tournament.

And Logan, you're fucking amazing, you killed last night, you killed tonight, so cool that you're on this leg of the tour.

Absolutely incredible. So explain to us how this goes down. Can you paint a picture? It's your 21st birthday, you said, So it's the day I got home from my deployment.

My sergeant took me out for my 21st birthday. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Yeah.

I chose the third one.

Logan impressed all the way through. But can I give you some advice for the next birthday? Two words Ready, Dave and Busters stay out of the train yard.

That's for the professionals, alright.

Little Hobo Wisdom.

I want to get back to this, though. It's your birthday now, it's 2 3 a.m. then what happens? So I started inviting a lot of people to our party.

We're having fun, there's supposed to be a house party, we've got a bunch of Ubers to leave. And my group was supposed to have a sober guy. He got drunk.

We all split up into different Ubers, and each Uber thought I was in a different Uber. I got left behind and they went to something else, and then I went to the train tracks.

Wow.

That is inappropriate, I don't remember.

These are the things I'm told afterwards, I don't remember going out. You were drunk. Oh yeah. When they found me after I got hit, I had a .36 alcohol level.

Oh my God, much like your legs, you were blacked out. Oh yeah.

Incredible. When you do that joke, you should say, because they're faster and they match my dick.

Now, do you think you would get more action with the ladies if you said it was a shark attack? Probably, I think so. It just gets sad. Not everyone's into public transportation.

You know what I'm saying? Read the audience, read the audience.

So absolutely incredible. You're on the tracks, you didn't even notice a train, you had no idea what happened. You wake up the next day in a hospital and you don't have your legs.

Yeah.

Incredible, but I am 6'2 now, so there's that, that's good. What were you before? 5'11.?

Wow, hey, give it up, that's pretty good. What's that like? what's it like getting taller?

It's the shit.

You're riding the gravy train, my friend. This is incredible. So what else about your life? What do you do for work? I coach jiu-jitsu.

I travel for that jiu-jitsu.

Good luck with that ankle lock, Jesus. This motherfucker will not tap at all. I fucking, I am known for fucking up people's legs.

It's kind of a controversy to me competing because people get mad when I rip on heel hooks like, Bitch, I don't like them. So how often do you train?

Oh, Tony, I can't help myself, I can't help myself. Holy shit, every single day.

Do you have a special diet or anything that you do? Beer and a lot of more food, that's all it is, a lot of more food.

It was one bad night.

Okay, alright. How do you stay up? How do you keep your attitude so good you're not mad at your buddies?

Not mad at the city planner that put the rails by the.

I mean, I saw some underlying sort of like, No. For me. It was one of those things where it's like, too many people focus on the past. And they like, hold on to shit. I'm like, I'm going to make people laugh, like, that's it.

Love it. And if they don't, whip off one of your fucking legs and beat them to death.

When you lose your legs, do you get to say goodbye to them? Do they bring them out so you can look at them? I asked. I threw them away before I woke up, I was pissed.

I wanted to bronze them. I thought it would be funny. Were you a comedian? I was a firefighter in the air Force. Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

What an incredible fucking story and you're wasting your life doing roast battle. Okay, no, I'm joking. That's amazing that you can put that towards art and making people laugh.

That blows me away, man. And Tony, I'm going to say it, I'd like this guy to do a guest spot. And you better start walking now because it's a little far away.

Another guest spot Yes, wow, look at that Logan Farr, That's huge.

I'm creating my own fast and furious team.

The legless vet, the genderless enrique.

You're in.

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show at Sunset. Wow, look at that, it's giving and giving for this guy, and you know what, Jeff?

You're going to be here Friday, yes, sir. I have a pair of size 12 nikes that I need broken in. If you could help me out with them, that'd be great, you know what?

Me and my buddies are going skiing in Aspen.

It's the giving tree tonight.

Dave whispered in my ear, Ask him to go skiing.

So now you're in Austin, so what's the name of your band? No, I'm sorry.

Runaway Train.

Tony, you are fantastic tonight. Every time you say train, your face gets redder. I love it. It's true. My blood pressure is booming right now.

The man's a walking ambler. No, I'm sorry.

Can you send the guy in on the ventilator? All right, sorry, I'll bring him right up. Logan. Congratulations. You did as good as you could possibly do.

You're leaving with a big joke book from the Great Bones. Eye catch that Logan Farr Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. That's how it's done.

That was great.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian straight out of the bucket goes by the name of Derek Dimple. Everybody Derek Dimple. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Derek Dimple.

Wow, comedy mothership. Make some noise if you're having a good time.

Don't get weird, I'm the one who's microdosing special needs every day.

It's my dad who's into model trains, though.

You figure that one out.

Doesn't totally make sense that I'm autistic because my favorite kind of pornography has lots of eye contact.

Very good, doesn't matter that it's pixelated, it just makes you feel like they want you, you know?

All right, I'll bust a load in my eyes later.

I am also a substitute teacher.

That's the right response. I do it for the money, so don't make any noise, that's fine, all right, that's good.

Okay, Derek Dimple everybody, Hello Derek. how are you? You've been on this show before? You have a face that I could never forget in a million years.

Oh, you might know my full name Tony, but I have never been on this show before. Is that true? That is absolutely true. No way God made two people that look like that. Why would he do that?

Incredible. How do I know your name? Well? We spent last Christmas together, actually, two Christmases ago. What happened?

Okay, we were over at Friends Bar. Bob Flocka was playing, Oh, yeah, and then you caught up with us at Latchkey. Yeah, and we played at Trinity. Oh, I caught up with you.

Yes, indeed. What the fuck hey, has anybody seen Derek Dimple anywhere?

Nobody better to hang out with in the world, nobody remembers better than an autistic, all right. What was the weather?

I can't imagine I was probably so drunk, I was about to take the railway track there. All right, what is your full name, Napoleon? Not-so-dynamite.

What's yours? Gumdrop McGee? Wow, holy shit, hey now.

Autism versus fibromyalgia. We never thought we'd see this. This is a fucking battle royale.

Where's that guy, the transformer guy?

No, it's my sisters that are trans. now, let me ask you this. I have two of them. you have two trans sisters, I do.

Are you serious? I'm serious. Wow, that's like hitting the worst lottery ever. Yeah, tell that to my dad, he paid for it.

Holy shit, this teddy bear has teeth.

Seems like your dad's kind of.

This guy falls to the wall, man, he's hardcore. I like, it seems like your dad's kind of into it.

Well, when he called and told me about my second sister, I said, Well, dad, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a really long time. I'm a woman, too. We had a good time for a minute. I love it, Derek. What do you do for a living?

Substitute teacher full-time. Mostly, I sell beer in alleyways.

We've heard of this, that's crazy. Have you bought beer somewhere, Derek over here? How much money do you make on a Monday selling beer in an alleyway?

On a good night, I clear $300 after expenses. Wow, that's really good, I pay for rent with that. Yeah, hell yeah, I love it.

Okay.

Okay, big man, are you really a substitute teacher? Derek I was what happened there.

Derek Uh-oh.

All right easy.

I have the face of a pedophile. Derek. I'm out of guest spots.

Well, I think in a sperm swimming contest, mine get there first. Fuck Derek. That joke worked better in front of the mirror with your hairbrush than it did right here. This is the big TV Jerry, don't hold back, buddy.

You look like a homeless pirate. Thank you, Derek. You can't swing at the throne with fucking gel blasters.

So in my high school classes, I worked back to substitute teaching, so I used to do five-minute stand-up sets at the end of the high school class. If they were cool, right? Okay, go ahead, react Derek. Stay in the pocket here, bro. Okay, I'll stay in the pocket.

Fight your autism, win the battle, push it within you, deep inside.

Round one Derek versus his autism. No, don't fucking do it, Tony. These people have skills. How much is gas gonna cost next week?

They know things, Tony, they know things.

I was very careful about censorship up until one day I did a stand-up set and I think I was just really sick of those fucking kids. And I accidentally dropped some curse words at the beginning and I said, Ah shit, fuck, ah, I'm getting fired today. And so then I let him have it. I told a really dirty joke. And there was this one girl who was filming with her pink cell phone case, right? Ah, those dang pangs, you know what I mean?

Well, anyways, I'm not a substitute teacher anymore. Now you're a substitute comedian. How exciting. What do you do for fun? DEREK DIMBle You seem like a guy that has a lot of action figures. In your studio apartment or something like that, just kidding, you have multiple roommates.

Yeah, practices to karate, kid, you know, good one. Thank you, but what do you do? What are your hobbies?

Well, I like swimming, I like playing pool. I don't really have too much time for hobbies because I devote about 60 hours a week to doing stand-up comedy. Six nights a week and I host three open mics out here in Austin, Texas. Keep whistling, please. Alright, Derek. Well, fun times my friend.

Congratulations, you're getting a medium joke book. Congratulations Derek. How do you feel good?

You happy, great job buddy. Have a good night you guys. thank you so much. I like how you keep swinging.

I like how you keep swinging. You did, buddy, you held the stage, you were good.

Go ahead, Can I smoke a joint here? Yep, Dave. Do you mind if I smoke a joint? Please go ahead.

In a town of people addicted to trank, it's great to see someone. Classic ladies and gentlemen. This is one of those moments where we get to take a break from the bucket and enjoy the unbelievable prowess of one of our regulars. One of the longest-standing regulars in the history of the show, famous for his great roasting and writing skills. How loud can this place get for the one and only David? Motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

Holy shit.

Uh.

Roaches are the niggas of the intech community.

For real, man, they got ant forms. They always try to save ladybirds, ladybugs and shit. nobody try to save a roach. you see a roach, you're like, kill that nigga.

I like racism, I really do, man. I'm happy that white people chose to bring me from Africa over here, man. I really think we need to bring some of that old shit back, I think we need to bring back lynchings.

I really do, because these niggas is out of control, man, we we got to teach them, you know what I'm saying? We need to bring back a public lynching, and the first person we going to do it to is Kodak Black.

Society would be better without him.

That's it.

Exactly 60 seconds from the veteran. David Lucas. Welcome David. How are you? What's up man, y'all having fun up here?

Very fun set, good stuff. How do you feel cool?

You are cool, great to see you David, you too, Jeff.

You can feel the tension in the air. Ladies and gentlemen. I was genuinely saying, hi, we did a Super Bowl commercial together, we did do a Super Bowl commercial together. I love this guy.

They had a walnut roasting a peanut.

JEFF ROSS Because he ain't got no David Lucas, you'd have to tell them I don't think they know about your guys. Peanut commercial.

By the way, it should be known now that Planners is a Shell corporation. Yes, it was.

I just caught that shit. It's so cool that you guys had a commercial during the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is also what David eats his cereal out of every morning.

You was jealous at the halftime show because Rihanna was pregnant, Nigga. That is true. That's supposed to be me. I wish I was. I identify as a Black pregnant woman.

Just to let you know, David, how's life going? What's shaking this week? Everything great man. Got a lot of dates coming up.

Just hitting the road, bro, trying to become a better headliner and shit, that's it, right, Dave, you've seen the great David Lucas before.

Yeah, he most talks, Shit, where are you headed, buddy?

Baltimore and Philly, Atlanta. Wow, shit, dude, holy shit, where are you headed? Where am I headed?

Probably to rehab. I guess I'm at the end of it, you're at the beginning of it.

Buddy, I've seen you at one of the other events you've had, right? Always new material that's balls. In front of a crowd like this, that's great.

I love it absolutely. Balls of steel, he's also shaped like a ball. Tony, you're a little feminine ass, nigga.

What the fuck you got your boyfriend letterman jacket on nigga? Oh, don't make fun of my buddy Jeff, shut your ass up. You look like a police sketch of Paula Deen.

Holy shit, easy Jeff. No, don't leave, Jeff. Don't leave. come on, Jeff.

Coming from a guy that looks like he writes barbecue reviews for his diary.

Wow, this is tough, Jeff. you look like a naked mole rat bitch, holy shit. This is like landlord on tenant.

I've never seen this. This is not gonna end well, we need to de-escalate it. Hey Dave, you look like you got your plumbing certificate, bitch.

Get your.

Plumbing certificate. If you're here, who's working at every Denny's everywhere, all right, what'd you ask for a Denver omelet when I'm ready?

When I'm ready.

You playing with a child here, you playing with a child now.

If Homeless was a video game, you'd look like the last nigga that got a battle to get a tent.

Dave, I heard you doing home alone on ice, bitch.

Holy shit, I got pulled into it, Jeff, get me out of this.

No bitch, you wanted to wear a do-rag? Get your motherfucking Harley Davidson driving ass up out of here, boy.

This guy really came alive. I've only seen this at the counter at Popeyes. I mean, honestly, that energy, that commitment. Hey, Dave, I need you to shave your beard to give Jeff Ross some eyebrows, bitch.

That motherfucker up here, looking like a mannequin.

That's not funny because I have alopecia, which I believe is your aunt's name.

Wow.

Oh my god.

Wow, I guess what we're trying to say is loan forgiveness, you know what I'm saying? I mean, we all believe in it. Hell yeah.

Loan forgiveness. Tony way to run for cover during that fucking civil rights march.

David Lucas, you're the fucking man, you're great buddy, you took out all comers, that ball, that fucking ball.

As always, killing thriving David Lucas ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. make some noise for David Lucas, everybody.

One of the great Frankensteins of regularship here in the history of Kill Tony, an absolute monster. Go see him on the road, Baltimore, Philly, a bunch of other places.

All right, here we go. The Kill Tony debut of Tito, Everybody, Tito.

Here's Tito, everyone.

Hell yeah, my name is Tito, and I look like a Tito.

You know?

I'm half Mexican and half Puerto Rican, which is confusing for a lot of people, especially in Mexico. Over there, over there, they're just like, Oh my God, just so Puerto Rican. in Puerto Rico, they're like, Oh my God, just so Mexican. But in the states, white women fuck me because they think I'm a Black guy.

You know what I'm saying? I never say no either. I'm like, you got that right, young blood, start tap dancing and shit.

Okay, Tito, everybody, Tito, welcome to the show. Tito, how are you? I'm pretty good, man.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it about give or take with the pandemic, about five years. Okay, where at Chicago?

So you're visiting right now from Chicago, or you moved here? Yes, sir. Okay, all right. what do you do for work in Chicago? I do a number of things.

I run a little Amazon store, I have an Airbnb in Mexico City, and then I drive. Lyft. Wow, you are Puerto Rican? okay bro? I look like every Lyft driver ever.

I had a question for you. At one point in your set, you said that white American women think you're a Black guy. Ba-ba-ba-ba. You start tap dancing. Is that something that you think Black people do?

You've seen the movies, what movie? 1930s, all the ones that are in black and white, okay?

All right, okay, I'm just fucking around. It's a joke, we get it.

We know it's just an interesting stereotype. Black people be tap dancing. Have you ever seen a Black person tap dance in real life? Yeah.

Where at? I think it was New York, where on a street somewhere, No, that was a seizure.

All right.

So, Tito, what do you do for fun?

I like to go to the gym, I like to hang out with my friends, I watch basketball. Kind of like typical shit, outside of comedy, I don't kind of stay in busy.

I like to travel, I travel a lot, I travel a lot, that's my thing to do for fun, all right?

What's your favorite kind of woman to hook up with? You seem like a womanizer type, right? You get around a bit, don't you? Tito? For a long time, I used to date a type of gal that I was calling spooky bitches.

I'm a little bit scared of where this is going. Was she one of those tap dancers? ha ha?

You know, the kind, right? Like the tattoos and don't believe in God, but got faith in healing powers of rocks and shit. You know what I'm saying?

White girl.

They're spreading, it's all over the place. Okay, Tito, you ever been in trouble with the law? Oh, multiple times.

Like, with what? Can you give us some examples? Back in high school, I turned my basement into a club when I was a DJ. So I turned my basement into a club and I would throw house parties in Chicago. Okay?