#626 - JOE DEROSA + DAVID LUCAS

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad..tv. All our merch can be found for Kill Tony at Killmerch..com. Tony's on a brand new tour, he's going all over the place.

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Pretend like you're visiting from a faraway land.

That's right, there you go.

God damn it.

Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on to join the chaos of this show. This week, no different, two legends have killed Tony, one one of the most famous regulars to ever be on the show, two, one of the best guests.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

Legends of the game.

Kill Tony Royalty Guest of the Year 2021 Joe Derosa Derosa.

That's a lot of pressure.

I love it David, Welcome David, Lucas, Everybody kill. Tony Legend retired at the 10 year anniversary.

I think so, I hope so.

You don't know your website.

Oh, I think it's Davidlucascomedy.

David's already drunk.

Hell yeah, dude.

Thank y'all man, I'm next to this big headed ass nigga right here.

Wow.

Standing right.

Your head look like a turtleneck bitch.

Are you excited that the country version of your song, Fast Car, is doing so well right now?

Joe Derosa taking up Spacey Chapman.

I gotta deal with both of you bitches tonight.

He meant it, it's like that one.

This motherfucker got it. If you would have been in front of John F. Kennedy, he'd still be alive nigga.

That goes for you, too.

This is just a glimpse of the type of fun we're going to have tonight. This bucket is filled with hopefuls names, some of them elderly, some young, some new, some old, some have been on, some have never done stand up before.

Thank you, as you can tell by my confidence, I'm dating a white woman.

Thank you.

Hans Kim yet again proving that he does a lot better when his job is on the line.

I've been really stressed out, Tony, I grew a stress pimple on my chin.

Well, none of the other regulars are getting challenged. I don't think they'll join the union. A couple are mentally challenged, but not challenged. So how did you prepare for this this week? What's your process to have a better minute every time your job is on the line? Compared to last week when you struggled in front of Post Malone and Joe Rogan?

Probably like stressing out and just hating myself and reading internet comments and then writing based on hate. Wow.

There you go, the life of a comedian. People wonder why we all kill ourselves. There's a little insight. What else has happened this week with you?

The white is doing great, the white.

The old Great White.

I accidentally got her sunburned in L.A. had to spread aloe vera on her. She's great. I'm kind of worried about her because she turns on the dome light to look at her phone. I think she might be stupid.

Oh my goodness, you think she might be stupid. That is so funny. All right, Hans, you feel good about it.

Yes.

Okay, put the mic in the mic, stand, you guys have anything for Hans?

Yeah.

Thank you, David.

He's a Chinese diamond you are made.

I'm Korean.

You ain't even Chinese, are you?

I'm South Korean.

My bad dog.

You've called him every slur, except the correct one.

So how Chinese people eyes be?

It's like that right there.

You ain't got no fortune cookies at your restaurant.

No, we have kimchi.

Oh, fuck that.

Kimchi cookies, Kimchi fortunes. I don't know, sorry.

Hans gets scared when he looks in my eyes.

Oh man, this is nuts. It's crazy. man, I'm gay, you're welcome.

All right. Scott Fillmore, 53 seconds in and out, very fun.

Good, yeah.

Step up to that microphone, it picks up the....

This is great. Yeah, you guys are fun.

Absolutely, so how's your? You've been here for two weeks, is that right?

One week yesterday.

Right, one week yesterday. So how's Austin, Texas, been treating you so far?

Amazing dude, it's great shows, good people, everybody's been really cool. And I want to kill myself every time I walk outside. I hate it.

Wait, why do you want to kill yourself?

Because I'm fat, Tony.

Oh, and it's hot.

It's so hot here.

Right, it is hot.

It's so hot.

It is extra hot for you, David Lucas.

If you kill.

I'm an eagle scout, I'm good with knots, man, I'll be all right, I'll be fine.

You look like an unpaid Chris Farley.

I know you're new to gay culture, but I'm what's called a top Lucas.

How you a top with that belly nigga, you're going to bounce off, bitch.

Teach me your secrets, Teach me your secrets. However you do it, I'll do it.

You try to hit another gay nigga from the back, you're going to bounce him to the ceiling, bitch, that shit going to be like a pogo stick nigga.

You're just telling me you don't fuck at all, then? is what you're saying.

I go missionary, that's what fat niggas do.

That's a sight to see, holy shit.

But you can't.

Missionary gravity dude, that'd be crazy, that'd be nuts. I'll try it out, let's go.

Get your ass out of here.

You're out here giving me advice, tips, and you're not going to follow through, dude.

Come on, man, what the hell I'm talking about, women, I don't know....

I think David's about two tequilas away from doing it.

Bartender.

We're going to have a whole new episode of Two Bears, Two Caves.

He really tried me tony with that gay.

You can say gay.

You think gay's the worst thing you've said so far?

Are you insane?

He really tried me, bro, what the hell?

I like women, not boys.

Did he really just say?

I don't know, bro, but when it's an actual gay person up here, they take that shit different. Them niggas be united like 300 bitch.

I don't know if you can call them n-words.

They might like, that shit, man, they don't like to identify as what they is, so they might like being called a n-word.

Joe Derosa.

I just want to see how far he can dig with this.

This is wild.

Anything can happen.

Joe Derosa Your forehead identifies as a woman. Shut up, David.

Hold this for a second, hold this, that's a regular-sized book. You fat fuck.

If you had butter nigga, you'd go to prison for life, bitch.

Oh, shit.

All right, you guys save it.

We got all night.

Hans, How do you feel you did it again? How many wins is this? You've defended your throne? how many times?

I'm 5-0.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. I'm one trans person from an infinity stone.

Hans Kim, you're a fucking legend. No better way to get this show started than with you. He's all over the world now. The Global Act.

Hello, hello.

How's everybody doing tonight?

That's great.

I was born February 29, 1988.

My precious, my precious.

She usually has the same response. So I have to put in more work and everything.

But you know?

I can't help but thinking, stand-up comedy is the same as a one-night stand. I don't want to be the only one putting in all this work. And you just lay in there like a dead fish, and so you got to think, what else can you do to help improve?

Fun for you, maybe.

In my defense.

I got here and I was freaking out.

Because I thought I was going to be late, so I came like, I literally have power tools in my work truck. So I was just moved here like two weeks ago. And so I was over here by Austin, like Gainesville or whatever, and I had to drive all the way up.

To Troy, to come all the way back down here.

He didn't.

Joe Derosa.

He didn't even have the time to wash the cum off his shirt after he whacked off.

Oh, shit.

It is a bunch of caulk.

You do have power tools.

Were you crying?

No, I'm high as hell, man.

And I have ADHD, so I try to smoke a lot of weed to calm myself down because.

Your ass look like a newborn Frenchie boy though, bitch.

Get your black licorice braids out of here.

Oh shit, actual racism, ladies and gentlemen, things just got very exciting. Holy shit, oh shit.

Your favorite sentence is get the other end of that sofa, nigga.

Wait, what?

Because he be lifting sofas, he working at a moving company.

Actually, I did pest control.

I had to move apartments and all sorts of stuff to do bed bug jobs and shit, me and this big Samoan dude.

I can tell.

Big boy jobs.

I'm so confused, Nathan, do you live here? What's going on?

I just moved from Seattle, Washington. I was actually here May 6th. When you saw me in the corner, you're like, where you from? I was like, Seattle, Washington.

Dude, I do this all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? You're like, Do you remember me? Didn't I leave an impression on you from the audience?

No, I do construction right now, that's why I just moved here. Two weeks ago, a friend got me a job. I'm like, Oh, you know what you're doing?

Jesus Christ man, what do you do when you're not working? What are you into?

Nothing, I just watch TV.

What type of posters do you have on your walls in your studio apartment? Nothing, nothing.

Nothing.

I literally just chill in my room, watch TV.

And just, yeah, go to work.

I don't mean this to be rude. I didn't understand a word you were saying. I literally didn't understand one joke. What was the first joke? It was something about how you're actually nine.

Yeah, born February 29, 1988.

Oh, it was a leap year joke, yeah.

Okay, I was trying to do a clean joke.

You know, leap year material always kills.

And how are you going to do a clean joke with dirty clothes?

Okay, so Nathan, what's your love life like?

Well, it was great up in Seattle and everything.

Tell us about it, why was it great up in Seattle, what was going on in Seattle?

Just life.

Plenty of girls to talk to and hanging out and having fun.

Where do you meet these girls? Where exactly do you meet and rape these women? Is it a train station, a parking lot? where do you meet your victims?

You know, an Alice in chains show Seattle type shit.

Okay, so let's talk about it, Nathan. What's your opening line when you go up to flirt with a girl? What do you say?

Go ahead.

Look David right in the eyes and say to him what you would say to a beautiful girl. Pretend like, we're not here, whoa Jesus, straight for the raping.

You told me to.

Shut the fuck up, What would you say to the girl? Go ahead.

Hey, my name's Nathan McCauley. What's your name?

Felicia.

Felicia, where'd you get that name from?

My mama.

Oh, she's already getting mad. That voice got deep, Felicia.

Yeah, but you don't know where the roots came from and your name from. Not really.

Why'd you have to bring up roots like that? What the fuck is going on? All right, I'm putting an end to this date, okay?

He can't fuck a bitch unless he put paint in over her nose.

That's the only time you've ever used the word thinner, David?

All the time.

So you know how the interviews work?

Yeah.

What about you? This is your time, you're in it right now, that show that you watch, you're in it.

Yeah, I know I'm freaking the fuck out.

I love it for those of you just listening to the show. His eyes are so red and he looks like he's literally working right now and like, he just got caught being high on the job.

I used to smoke 28 grams a day just to function. Yeah, dude, it's bad, you have no fucking clue.

No, we have a pretty good fucking clue.

Yeah, we actually do. We have somewhat of an idea, believe it or not, all right? NAthan? Well, here's a little joke book. Congratulations.

What the fuck is up?

Nope.

Pretty good, man.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About a year and a half.

All of it here in Austin.

Yes, sir, born and raised here.

Ah, lovely.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely, is this true? Everything that you talked about? Do you have a bidet now?

A bidet? No, actually I found one, it was weird, it was like a fucking Qt.

You found a bidet in a gas station, yes.

Yes, it was weird, but it was a West Texas gas station, you know how West Texas be, you go through West Texas, who knows what you might find?

Of course, we all know how West Texas be.

I was born here, I was raised in Pflugerville, raised in Round Rock.

Yes, sir.

In and out, no lines.

No lines at the in-n-out in Pflugerville. It's amazing what a 35-minute drive will do to your wait times.

Typical Uber driver, you might do an Uber here and there and might sell you some weed, who knows?

What the fuck?

Don't ask, don't tell, goddamn it.

Okay, that was like a leap year joke. Did you see that? A don't ask, don't tell joke? We've had a don't ask, don't tell, and a leap year joke for those of you with bad joke bingo cards out there.

I don't think this is healthy for comedians to do this. Show the nerves of the last two guys, they're trembling.

I'm good bro, I just took a little mushroom, it was my bad.

That's how I started.

How dare you insult the Mexican version of you? Plant the roses?

Stepping on great jokes.

Do you know that while you ramble over there? Okay, all right, buddy, take a breath.

I didn't get that till right now.

I know because he was fucking yippity yapping about driving a fucking uber.

That was very good and also I want to compliment you on the drive-thru line about Red Band. that was very good too.

Thank you so much.

You shouldn't take mushrooms before you go on stage. I know you young kids, don't fucking backtalk me.

I'm trying to tell you something.

I'm trying to give you advice. You fucking kids think, because there's a dispenser every five feet, that it's normal to live like that. It's not, dude, you're fucking weird, bro.

Progressive?

No, it's not progressive, it's called being fucked up all the time. This is the first time I've taken mushrooms in six months.

Oh, wow, and right before your big break on stage.

Yeah, you're like, when should I take it? I'm going to wait right before a million people see me.

23.

23 years old. You have any plans other than driving Uber? You're just waiting for the stand-up thing to take off, or what?

Honestly, I tried school, I was in school for a long time.

Where were you studying?

I was a business administration major.

What did you learn there? What's one cool thing that you learned in college?

I learned not to trust people, that's what I learned. Yeah, dude, that's what I learned. Because you go to college and they tell you to do all these things and it gets you nowhere unless you know the right people.

You're on mushrooms.

Um.

I snuck into ACL three days in a row. That's my favorite thing about me.

Yeah.

Music Festival.

Yeah, we know.

Who did you see when you snuck in?

First person I saw, I saw Miley Cyrus.

Dude, you do not know how to do mushrooms the right way, man, first person.

I saw red hot chili peppers later. It was a great time.

Really, even with them playing, it was still a great time.

No, no, the lights, the lights made up for it.

I was at that show tremendously disappointing. Before I let you go. I'm going to ask you again, what is this bidet like that you got from a gas station?

It's like.

It's Third world. Is it real? Are you making a joke or is it real?

No, it's real, I've done a bidet.

It's one of those ones you snap onto your toilet. It's like 40 bucks. They used to be a sponsor.

You wishlist it on Amazon, you get it in a day, you know?

David, Do you have a bidet or do you use a fire extinguisher?

Tony, you use a super soaker bitch.

Mr. Lucas, this is our top bidet, or can we show you to this whale?

Y'all niggas on tonight, y'all let motherfuckin Tiger Woods come on stage and change y'all look.

Close man Hell, No, I'm Mexican and Japanese, just a little bit. Pinky's worse than Japanese.

So why you talk like a Black person?

Because they put all the Black people and Mexican people in Pflugerville, that's why everybody that went to school is my color.

That's why.

Mexican dad, Japanese mom.

No, actually, both Mexican, but the Japanese was like, fuckin four generations down, it's one guy, he fuckin broke the seal, I don't know.

Jesus Christ, All right, Matt, here you go. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch Matt Rivas? everybody?

Everybody.

Yeah, shut up, bitch, I gotta talk now.

I was like, Oh, this shit is crazy.

And I scrolled, I was like, I see the girl getting nutted on.

Two scrolls later.

You know, I like porn, but you can make up any type of name you want for a porno. I seen a porno up there, it was. A white girl gets gangbanged by well-hung niggas part three.

And I had to watch it.

Because the white girl getting gangbanged by well-hung niggas. Part one was so good, they made two more.

That's my time.

Cam Motherfucking Patterson doing it again, Another new minute working beats. How's it going, my friend?

Good man, this shit fire man.

What?

This shit fire.

I'll translate everything, he says.

It makes sense.

Let me be Cam's translator.

This shit really changed a real nigga's life for real.

So what he's saying is, since he's became a regular on Kill Tony, more opportunities have opened up for him.

And white girls be sucking my dick shit crazy.

What was that?

White girls tend to give him fellatio. Now, I know.

Now I know, Hell yeah, hell yeah.

He's very excited. Every hell yeah means he's very excited.

Hell yeah.

It's not a hell yeah, it's a hell yeah, hell yeah.

So hell yeah means they're very excited.

You gotta say it fast.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, hell yeah.

Say it, white man, say it, that was wrong.

He look sad as shit, he finna Kill me.

That nigga.

What?

Cam PaTTerson Going this weekend to two of the biggest I do believe venues you've ever performed in in your life. You're doing an opening for me in a theater in San Antonio and then the world famous Chicago Theater in Chicago. This is where your life is now. Only a few months after moving to Austin from Orlando, Florida, how does it feel knowing that you're going into a weekend like this?

Man, that shit crazy, I be like, I just be thinking about it, like, Man, this shit like, it's insane bro.

So every time he thinks about it, he can't really believe that what's happening is actually going on. It's actually unbelievable, it's unfathomable.

I like that word, that's a good word, boy.

Unfathomable.

That's the R nigga.

Yeah, yeah.

Unfathomable.

A lot of people don't know, and on the internet they try to put niggas against each other. You know what I'm saying, but me and Cam are actually brothers in the comedy industry, we're actually brothers. I mentor him, you know what I'm saying, I try to....

Which one's the big one?

What the fuck was that?

I don't know why you had to make a joke that didn't make no sense.

Me and Cam spend a lot of time together, man, and I just try to give him advice on where I think I went wrong when I was his age in comedy. And we went to go see.

That's why I told you about those opportunities.

He know how to twerk real good, like Megan Thee Stallion.

Joe Derosa.

I was going to do some of David's advice.

Oh.

It's probably not going to be funny now.

Now it's definitely not going to be funny.

No, I was going to say his advice was the Mcrib. They're going to say it's not coming back, it is take your time. You don't have to eat them all at once.

Joe Derosa Get your $5 foot-long headass up out there, boy.

Hell yeah.

Another one, you?

Hell yeah, talk to him, Tony, talk over me, talk to him.

I know he's drunk as shit. I knew this was going to happen.

You want a toasted headass, nigga?

All right, David.

Be careful. He was once young and promising on the Kill Tony show as well.

So Cam, what else is going on? Tell us more?

Can I tell them about the shirts?

Yeah, say it, what?

Oh yeah, we finna drive white t nigga if you want to look like me, like you'd be selling drugs and shit, like a real nigga like myself.

You know what I'm saying?

Chill Tony White t fuck nigga.

It is happening. I don't know if you guys saw the post today. But the new Cam Patterson White T is out with the small red Kill Tony tag at the very, very bottom. And each shirt comes with a free rock.

I got some of these rocks, too.

Banzai made these.

Oh, shit, is that one of David's kidney stones? Look at that shit.

Hey look hey.

I love it when David gets this drunk, this is incredible.

Tony, You can shoot that rock out of your ass.

Like a sniper bullet bitch.