#632 - SUGA SEAN O'MALLEY + JOE LIST

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Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas, Saturday, December 30th at 7 p...m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast.

It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever. In an arena. This is two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act, so check it out.

It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of Wrestlemania. Go to ticketmaster.com.

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.

Yeah, it's Red band, everybody. Hi, look at them. This is the number one live podcast in the world.

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Michael Gonzalez gigging in Los Angeles this week. So we are blessed with the prodigy himself. James Atkins on the drums, everybody.

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The executioner Matt Muehling on the electric guitar and the backbone of the band, the one and only D-Madness on the bass guitar. Everybody. John Deas is on tour doing arenas with the great Gary Clark Jr. However, we do have a very special treat for y'all, a return of a legendary band member, one of the funniest comedians in the history of the show. Make some noise for standing in on the horns tonight.

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You know, somehow, someway, during all this chaos of the last few years, moving to Texas and this and that. I truly believe that we have become one of the biggest, best comedy shows in the world, and we are debuting two first-time guests here tonight. Both of these gentlemen, this is their first time ever being on the panel of this show. One of them is one of the greatest comedians alive today with a brand-new special. The other one is the reigning defending UFC bantamweight champion of the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen Sugar Sean O'Malley and Joe Litz.

Woo.

He's the man, one of the guys that we've been meaning to get on this show absolutely forever. Just haven't had the right scheduling and crossed paths correctly. And here we are. Joe, welcome, thank you. thanks for having me.

I'm excited abso-fucking-lutely.

And what do you know? Huge fan of the show and one of the greatest fighters alive today, Sugar Sean O'Malley is here.

What a life we live. Sugashop.com for Sugar Sean Merch and the Timbo Sugar Show. It's been going on for about five years. I love it. I watched the episode with You and Theo where you kept bullying Theo to talk more about Killtoni.

I loved that came out during Fight Week, it was fucking hilarious. Sugar Sean, Welcome to the show, Fuck Yeah.

Thank you guys.

It's unbelievable. He posts about it every week. It's so cool to be a fan of somebody that's a fan of us. So welcome Sugar. I was more nervous to make this walkout than when I knocked out Aljo.

Fuck yeah, we're going to have fun tonight, you guys know how it works? Over 140 people signed up for tonight's show. Bunch of names in this bucket.

We're going to get through some of them. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

After their time is up, I interview them and they talk to our esteemed panel and we find out more about them and what makes them different. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well?

I'm going to pre-pull a name so we can get one of these people from the bar next door, which contains the hundreds of sign-ups while the show takes place. And while we get them, we're going to get one of our regulars up here. I think you know who everybody he started on this show two and a half years ago was living in his van. Now he literally sells out all over the world every single weekend.

He has been getting challenged for his spots a lot, he is going unchallenged. Tonight. He is up against golden ticket winner Rick Diaz on the New Year's Eve show. In which one will be a full-time regular and the other will not be allowed to perform on the show anymore. It's what they wanted, it's the fight that was created last week.

I can't believe it going unchallenged tonight with a brand new 60 seconds. Not easy to write a new minute every week. The kid is an autistic Asian prodigy. You guys know the words to his theme song.

Get it started, you guys, start it.

I love Mexicans. Mexico is such a thin, skinny little country that when Mexicans come to America, they're like, Ooh, am I going to be an east coast Mexican or a West coast Mexican? And then a coyote decides.

It's like a Mexican sorting hat.

Congratulations, you're in house, El Paso.

I am dating a beautiful white woman, as a lot of you guys know, thank you. She recently went on a cruise and I was kind of worried about it. But she showed me this app that shows exactly where in the ocean she's getting fucked by a Jamaican dude.

Thank you, wow. Look at the professional Hans Kim doing exactly 60 seconds, not a second more, that's right.

Saving it? Absolutely. How's it going, Hans? It's going great. I didn't know that if I lost the challenge, I couldn't perform on Kill Tony.

Wow, that must have been fun to find out seconds before I brought you on stage. That seems to be what the challenge felt like to me. I mean, it was originally him challenging you for regularship, but it seemed like you had nothing to lose if you lost, so it seems like a fun thing. Are you more nervous now?

No, I'm pretty confident.

Wow, all right, I guess I believe you, you know, it's interesting. If he gets beat before, then, that person's going to have to battle.

RICK DIaz What are you talking about? Like, if he gets challenged next week and loses, he's not.

He's not, he's not. Thank you Red Band. thank you so much. Let's get back to the show.

So did your girl really go on a cruise? Yeah, okay, was it really to Jamaica? Yes.

She's so far unmolested, I don't think she's had sex. She's back from the cruise, right? Yes, she just came back.

We tried a fun little game that I like to call anal. Ooh, combined it with my other favorite game, rape. Ah, have you combined the two games yet?

Yes.

Red band All right. There goes the fart board for the episode. Our relationship has been great, you know, we recently went to a strip club with the great Sean O'Malley.

Wow, she is mine, I love it. How was that? She was mostly in the car.

You left your girlfriend in the car while you went into a strip club with the current UFC champion of the world? Yeah, I left the windows rolled down.

Oh my God, how long do you think you were in this strip club with your girl in the car? Probably like an hour, wow, and then she came out.

Yeah, I let her, you know, go pee in the bushes. No, what really happened? Oh, she went in and she drank some water and stared at the strippers and criticized some of them.

And then she went right back in the car.

Incredible Hans, now you're famously cheap. Did you spend any money at this strip club whatsoever? I did spend some money, but it was Nick's money. The owner of the vulcan, Okay?

Wow, look at that. Hell yeah, there he is, absolutely.

How much of Nick's money did you spend? Probably like 50 bucks. oh wow, still cheap, even with other people's money. Incredible.

50 bucks an unbelievably low amount of money to spend. This was at the Red Rose, Yellow Rose. Okay, perfect.

Absolutely, the rose preferred by Asians, the yellow rose. Let's go back to this anal thing for a second, because this is brand new. Let's switch from yellow to brown here.

And what's going on? You've been doing that, is that nice? Do you like that? Does she like that?

She doesn't sound like she likes it. Oh wow, this is pretty much a sexual assault on a podcast right now. What's the sound that she makes that makes you think she doesn't like it?

Just like, No stop, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. No hans.

Really.

Yeah, we cuddle afterwards and talk it out and debrief, debrief.

Wow, okay, how does it feel for you? Do you enjoy it? yeah.

It's really tight where you go in.

Yeah, I bet her fucking virgin asshole is really tight.

And then once you get in, it's like an empty cavern in there, oh my god, an empty cavern. I'm sure she just loves you talking about the inside of her asshole like this. You guys ever seen Hans before?

What do you think about Hans? I have seen Hans, I'm a fan of Hans. I mean, now I'm a little off-put by Hans, but I do enjoy his comedy. But it's nice of you to snuggle post-rape.

I think rape victims like that, from what I've heard, no, I'm kidding. I know you're kidding. I'm kidding, Hans, you're a fantastic comedian.

It's great to see you. Thank you Joe. absolutely sugar Sean. I fucking love Hans.

Are those glasses prescription? Yes, are they. I'm really autistic. I feel like when you take them off, your eyes get....

When you put them on, they just open up a little bit more. Is that right?

Wow, look at that. Oh, Dream Weaver. Is that how they work? They just open your eyes up more.

It sort of magnifies it a little bit. Fucking love you, Hans. Thank you Sean, it was.

It was like, when you took the glasses off, it was like the rom-com where the girl takes the glasses off. You become a better-looking guy when you take them off. It's actually incredible. And if Red Band was able to do his job properly, I would be able to show you exactly....

Why don't you try it again for the audience?

It's a different dream. Weaver. He did not spell it properly again. Red Band just absolutely bad at his job. It's incredible. Ten years and four months never gets any better.

This song doesn't exist on here anymore, I can't find it Dream Weaver on the internet, everybody, it doesn't exist on the internet. It could not be Red Band.

It must be the internet, everybody, whoa?

Oh my God, we went from sugar Sean to soy sauce. Holy shit, he looks like Sugar Sean O'Mary.

We went from UFC to MSG. Look at this, oh my.

Wow, somehow they didn't seem Asian when they were on Sean.

Oh my god.

Absolutely amazing.

I feel like I could knock out Aljo right now. Wow, wow, come on out Aljo, yeah.

Incredible. Maybe you could play a game of anal rape with him or something like that. Oh, you ready? Take him off now, let's see what happens.

There we go. Eight minutes later, we figured it out. HANS Yeah, I know it's two words. That's what happens when the fucking thing doesn't pop up.

Hans, Another exact minute for you. You are so fun way to get the show started every single week. amazing stuff. we love you.

HaNS Kim Everybody there he goes. We pulled a name out to get it started. I'm going to pull another one while we get through this one and here we go.

This is the part of the show where obviously, if you don't know, things get a little bit wild. We've never met a lot of these people before, so it could be a crazy person, it could be the future. This is where we met Hans and Cam and David, and the stars of the show.

This could be one of those, and it could be one of the worst humans ever on the show. Anything can happen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. The opportunity of a lifetime goes to Eric Gallegos. Everybody.

Or gallegos, Eric, Gallegos, here's Eric. everyone. make some noise for Eric, everybody, yo, what's up you guys?

Holy shit, we made it. Fuck yeah, you guys, dude. Did you all hear about that alien that Mexico tried to reveal a couple days ago? Did you all see this shit?

Yeah, nobody gave a fuck about it. Isn't that crazy, especially around here? Everybody was just like, Yeah, everybody just knows.

That's what one of those Sixth Street crackhead looks like whenever it reaches its final form. You know what I mean? Everybody was like, No, that's not an alien, that's one of those final boss crackheads. No dude. It was crazy, though, because the guy that they got to reveal it, apparently he's been accused of revealing fake shit before.

Did you all know this? Yeah, and Pru says he stole it, so, you know, regular Indiana Jones, this guy. all he stole was useless, fake shit anyway. I don't know, though, man.

It's crazy, apparently. They said that they got x-rays of these aliens, and one of the two of them had eggs inside of it. Yeah, pretty crazy, just like a Mexican scientist, though, to be like, Hmm, interesting. Is it fertile?

Okay, I think that's my timer. I probably rushed that. Jesus Christ.

Wow.

Eric Gallegos Thank you guys. Oh boy Eric. Oh Eric, Eric. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Oh my goodness.

Wow, disagree.

Fuck.

Dude, wow, makes sense you're wearing a NASA shirt because in space no one can hear laughter.

Wow, where have you been doing stand-up comedy? Exactly? I'm from North Texas, I'm from a town called Amarillo. I just moved here two weeks ago.

AMARILLO Yes, sir. Okay, wow, that's where Matt Muehling's from. He never talks.

Yeah, what up, Matt? And he just said, That's where I'm from. Hell, yeah, I liked your solo album, bro, that was good shit.

Wow, look at that look, who's trying to make up for not being funny? Oh my goodness, wow. You like all of our solo stuff, don't you?

Uh-huh, yeah, it's wild man. I actually came in February to see Joe List. Oh, Jeez, yeah.

And kill Tony Terrible. Yeah, that's cool man. it's cool. good to see you.

Wow, it was a good time. Yeah, very funny.

I've just been doing mics, fixing phones in Amarillo. Is that a country song? I'm pretty sure.

And now you do nothing. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I've just been putting all my time to stand up. I saved a lot before I came here, and I've just been trying to live off of that. You saved a lot. Fixing phones.

Yeah, wow, okay. I've just been trying to live off of it, though. I always like to ask, because people are different with money and this and that.

It's an intrusive question, but I love to ask, how much money did you save? exactly? I saved, like $4,500, so $4,500. You're like, Okay, I got this, I'm going to Austin, Texas.

So tell us explain to these people so that they understand what it's like for an artist. How old are you again? 29 29 years old? $4,500. How long ago did you come to Austin?

It was at the very end of January, so January 29th. Wow, so how much of the $4,500 do you have left? like, $3,800? Oh my God?

Wow, you're like Hans Kim at a strip club.

I'm very frugal.

Yeah, I'm very frugal, I've been doing my best. It's easy to survive when you're only spending Nick's money.

So how have you been so frugal? Explain to us how you have only spent $700 since the end of January. No, no, no, that's since I moved here two weeks ago. oh, two weeks ago.

Okay, so what's your living situation like? I have a roommate, okay, and I live in southeast Austin.

Southeast. So rent's pretty good, okay, what is rent?

$500.

Ooh, yeah, split. I mean, that's what I pay.

$500 and a handjob. Yeah, yeah, I have to blow them every now and then.

Incredible. What else do you do? what else are you into?

I like to play a lot of video, I write a lot of music. Sorry, I'm starstruck right now, you write music, yeah.

Yeah, I like to play video games. What kind of music do you write?

A lot of different kinds, like rock, primarily. Is your music unfunny as well? yeah.

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, yeah.

Joe List, What do you think about this guy? I think we learned that it's not Hans glasses that make him funny.

It is true both of the comedians so far have clear frames. Only one has jokes. Fuck me so Eric, do you perform music at all?

I haven't since I've been here, but I do. What type of music do you do primarily? like rock music you sing or what? Yeah, I sing?

How many do you think we should hear Eric sing a song? What type of song do you want? The band can play anything? Can I? Oh, I need to just sing.

What did you think was about to happen here? I thought I was going to sing one of my songs. My bad. Okay, yeah, you want to sing one of your songs and the band will follow along. Is that cool?

I just said that it's my thing. Yeah, probably not. I control everything. Matt Would that be cool, brother?

That's not, Matt, stop asking permission for things. What? just sing your fucking song, cool?

Start singing one, two, one, two, three, four. I'll be really quick, I promise. Oh, he wants to play guitar. Oh, you want to play guitar.

Yeah, okay, all right. okay. okay, now I get it. all right. Cool, don't clap for that.

Don't clap for that all right here he goes, making a real thing about it.

Has to play guitar. Yeah, I don't know what to just sing to my bad man. Okay, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, his kill Tony music debut absolutely terrible at stand-up.

Seven months into the game, try again.

What you know is all that you are. Don't tell me it's different. Gotta trust it hard to the love I bleed, just like you.

I went and lost it all, too. I felt like nothing was a voice without a tune.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, no, you're wrong. No, no, that was not good. you're wrong. The band is good.

Yeah, it's a good band, don't give me credit, the band is great. What you guys think you liked was the fucking D-madness and James Atkins covering up his shit. I've lived in Austin long enough to know what the fuck just happened there.

Anybody could do that, Sean could have gone up there with a guitar and just literally done exactly that good. That's just the band, a bunch of professional musicians fucking filling in. I heard what you sent.

What the?

I heard you, dude, I saw what the fuck was going on there.

You ever get any pussy playing music like that? Dude? Fuck no man, I bet, come on man.

I bet, I bet you just get butt raped. After playing like that dude. I get a whole lot of bruises. Just drunk guys at a bar in Amarillo, like, I'm going to fuck this one.

This chick's got a goatee, but I don't mind it.

Yeah, now that you're 0 for 2, do you want to try painting?

This is dope, this is dope. I like the song. Honestly, I'm going to push back. I thought that was great.

That was fun. Eric Gallegos Am I saying that right? Eric, Gallegos, gallegos?

Yes, sir. yeah, okay, both of them are right. Okay, yeah, both.

You're leaving with a little Kill Tony joke book made by the Great Bones eye. Congratulations, Welcome to Austin, Texas. Hell yeah, thank you guys.

Thank you guys, there he goes, Eric Gallegos.

Very good. Well, this is exciting. I pulled a name out of the bucket and it's one of the inside people. So this means one of you signed up for the show representing the interior of the comedy Mothership, a very interesting name. Let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for Bobby Brown Jr.

Everybody, Bobby Brown Jr. Here he comes, look at this, it's really happening.

Bobby Brown Jr.

Yeah, all right, I'll get right to it, man. My name is Bobby Brown Jr. I know it's a weird fucking name. All right, no relation.

All right, I hate sharing names with celebrities. I think it's fucking trash. People try to blame you for what. The last celebrity did you know? They'd be like, Bobby, why'd you kill Whitney with that crack cocaine?

I just have to play along with this shit. I'd be like, obviously I did it because it's my prerogative, nigga, how about that? how about no?

Sharing names with celebrities fucking sucks, man, because some of them be fucking their reputations up over time, you know? That's why I'm happy that my name aged better than my little brother's R. Kelly Jr.

I said, I got to fix my fucking family. Man, you know, Black people been naming their kids after the worst fucking celebrities ruining their lives. That's why I decided if I have kids, I'm giving them the whitest names I can find. If I have a son, I'm naming that nigga. Joel Osteen Brown, you know, that's the name that'll beat the allegations, you know?

And pass applications. You can't not hire a nigga whose initials is J-o-B. It's right there on the name, man, give my nigga a job.

Man, it's going fucking great. man, it's going fucking great. How are you? I'm great, you look fucking great.

Thank you, I'll host from here on out.

Five years now, five years where at I'm from Jacksonville, Florida, man.

DUVAL Oh, shit, there it is. Yeah, you just threw out a gang sign and nobody knows what you're talking about.

Incredible five years in the game. JACKSONVILLE, Florida How long have you been in Austin? I moved out here like Thursday, so like 12 days, like two weeks ago, man, I'm fucking with it.

Look at that, yeah, a lot of these people fresh, fresh here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, man, everybody's coming here to make it.

Everybody's signing up for the show, it's incredible what's happening. So Bobby Brown Jr. What is your take on Austin so far? Two weeks in, I fuck with it.

This shit hot as hell, though, you know what I mean? Like? I got off the plane and I was trying to call Uber, but that shit was like, phone is too hot. You got to wait 10 minutes for this shit to calm down. I was mad as fuck, man.

I finally got my shit turned back on, but my car declined, so yeah, I just walked. I love it, that's it.

So Jacksonville's pretty hot, right? Yeah, nah, man, it's cooler than this shit, yeah.

Yeah, this shit was like 99 degrees last night, mm-hmm.

Bobby, What do you do for work? How do you make a living? I don't right now, man, I quit my I used to be a server.

I quit to come out here. Right now, I'm looking around for work. How much money did you save before you moved here?

I probably had about negative $32, you know, oh shit, yeah, I owe a lot of people back in Jacksonville some money, so okay.

All right, negative $32. Mm-hmm. What else about you? what else? what do you do for fun?

What I do for fun, man, I like smoking weed and shit, you know, I watch TV. Yeah, okay.

I don't know fucking smoking weed and watching TV, I don't know. I try to escape my problems, man.

Yeah, shit like that, that's probably why you have negative $32..

Damn, Sean dressed like a Iranian rapper right now, what the fuck? That was the goal, yeah.

So Bobby Brown Jr.

What's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking version of Steve Urkel or something like that.

You have your own family matters or anything like that. Nah, I wish if you got some hoes for me, I'll take them, though, you know what I mean, I'm a great Eskimo brother.

I have no extra hoes to get rid of. I'll be a good Eskimo brother to you, Tony. I do not dispense of the extra hoes. No, I will not share, I do not share.

I definitely don't share with people like Bobby Brown Jr. Last thing I need is what Hans Kim would describe as a cavernous hole. Oh my god, I like to keep everything compact.

You have any special moves in the bedroom? Bobby Brown Jr.

How much pussy do you get solely based on the fact that they think they're fucking Bobby Brown's son? Tell the truth, be honest, you know what's crazy?

I've pretended to be his son twice, I ain't gonna lie. It happened two times, he killed that shit, it worked two times.

Yeah, yeah. And did they ever notice that you're not Bobby Brown's son? When do they mostly find out? I mean, when I told them I couldn't pay for the date that we was on, they were like, Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Joe LisT I'm not confident Bobby Brown's son has a lot of money. I don't think that's that crazy. Yeah, that is a good point.

Well, I mean, he died like three years ago. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I'm the last living Bobby Brown Jr. at least right now, man. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, it was weird. When he died, people thought it was me. I got like 700 followers on Instagram that day. wow.

It was fucking crazy, fucking crazy.

Yeah, you should. Yeah, that's a big deal. It feels real.

It feels honest. People want to know what really being like Bobby Brown Jr. is like, Yeah, I got plenty more, man, so you know?

You got what? I got plenty more more stories about this weird ass fucking name, so I'll be around. I live out here now, so.

You got plenty of more, he said. Plenty, plenty more, Nigga. you got plenty more. I still don't know.

For those of you, by the way, I hear a lot that, like Tony's hearing's bad. But what you don't see is that in the cleaned up, edited version. Like, Red Band turns shit up and clears up the sound that you guys hear on the podcast. I still, after nine times, I still think it's plenty of more.

I think he's using it in the context, like Mo money, Mo problems, yeah.

I hear you bro, oh man. Several means more than one. Am I correct?

Well, Bobby Brown Jr.

Congratulations, you popped your kill. Tony Cherry. Yeah, thank you. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show for a second.

Wow, thank you Red Band. Hell yeah. thank you. Red Band. Still thinks he's Bobby Brown's son booking him.

Here's a big joke book, Welcome to Kill Tony. There goes Bobby Brown Jr.

That was incredible. All right, let's do something fun. We have a golden ticket winner that is ready to do a new minute for us everybody. This guy has made it.

He started What four weeks ago and is killed every week. He has a very defined style that is different than everybody else, not the most confident guy. He literally seems like he doesn't want to be here, like he's afraid to do stand-up comedy, but his execution is incredible. Make some noise for one of our new favorites. Rick Diaz, everybody.

This chick told me I have a big dick energy.

Just the energy, though. Yeah, oh my God, my love language is nope.

Every time I make love.

I prefer to turn the lights off this way I can pretend that I'm with someone.

Yeah, I have an embarrassing sex story. I have an embarrassing sex story. Well, she has an embarrassing sex story. I had sex.

Yeah, when my ex left me, she told me, I know who you are, I know who you really are, and then she left me without telling me who I was.

I'll wrap it up there.

RICK DIAZ Oh, my goodness, the more you see him, the funnier he gets. Well, I'll tell you, that Red Band and I pissed our pants with just him walking out, just the look of it.

Once you know what you're in for, that's what I've learned about you. You grow on people, literally.

A special character, Joe, this is your first time seeing Rick Diaz. It is he's like me if my father finger fucked me as a kid.

My friends call me the cheaper Joe list.

There you go, all right. How do you make that noise when jokes don't hit? That's incredible. That is an incredible trick you have.

So Rick, you did it again. BIG Dick energy Embarrassing sex story Is it true? You don't have a big dick? I feel like you would have a fucking absolute goddamn full-size hog.

I'm pretty sure you've thought about it a lot.

Only because no one's seen it.

I can show you later, Oh shit, Rick Diaz about to show his little Brussels Griffin over there, his little Brussels sprout.

Yeah, he is from Brussels and you have to go back there next week. Yes, sir, what are you looking forward to, or what are you dreading?

My mom.

No, I'm just joking, it's my job to joke.

No, I'm interested in seeing how I'm going to be received by the French clubs that have been ignoring me. Ooh, so word's gotten out. RICk DIAZ Oh yeah.

And they're going to suck my nuts when I get back, whoa.

Whoa?

Rick is such a sensitive like, soft-appearing guy, and then every once in a while he's just fucking the animal comes out there it is. There's an example big nut energy.

RICK DIAZ We've seen this before. Now, let me remind you that the last two weeks in a row. He's come out and he's literally said, Fuck Hans Kim, I want his entire everything. I want to take Hans Kim's livelihood from him.

He spent two weeks saying it until we finally came to the conclusion last week that we will have a main event. Fucking showdown at New Year's Eve. In an arena the Heb Center already sold out, impossible to get tickets. And we have made your dreams come true. You're going to fly back from Brussels and one of you is going to lose your livelihood.

How do you feel? It's been a week since you made the challenge and received what you wanted? How does it feel to get what you want?

It feels like I'm doing you guys a favor.

He did, Yeah, it's okay at Heb Arena, I'm going to eat Korean barbecue. Oh my god.

For the longest time. There was Hulk Hogan. One day there was a music and a guy came out running and that was the ultimate warrior. The ultimate Warrior picked up Hulk Hogan and threw him into oblivion. That's going to happen on the 31st of December. That literally isn't what happened.

Actually, that's not the history of the thing it is, as I remember it. No, it's not, you just wrote that yourself. That's not what happened.

I like manifesting things.

The ultimate Warrior is dead. And that never happened. Yeah, and he also got fired from WWE. Yeah, for saying that he should be paid as much as Hulk Hogan before going on stage. I won't do that.

Right, potentially sugar. Sean O'Malley What do you think about this guy? Funny fucking dude? I've always been insecure about my neck, but I feel like....

But I'm feeling pretty confident tonight.

Fuck yeah, I love it.

At least I'm not insecure about my hair. I don't think he's insecure about his hair. His hair gets me pussy. Yeah, my dick gets me pussy.

Does it really, though? Rick? Does your dick get you pussy? It's the only thing that gets me pussy. How does your dick get you pussy? tell us.

Explain to this room how your dick gets you pussy. I don't need the women, no.

Women make some noise if you want to fuck Rick Diaz.

It's because they're on a date.

It's a fucking gangster right here.

Rick, we love you, you come out every week, We're going to miss you when you're in Brussels. Are we not going to see you until New Year's Eve? You're not going to see me until New Year's Eve?

Unless something happens in the meantime and you want to bring me back, I'll be happy to come back in the meantime. If nothing happens. Hans Kim will have to dodge me the way that my dear Sean O'Malley was dodging Cheeto Era for so long. Oh my god, oh my God.

Why do you do this? Why do you cause problems? You're supposed to be an innocent, sweet little nerdy boy. You come out, you challenge Hans, you talk shit to the champion of the world.

Well, people were asking me, Aren't you afraid of roasting Sean O'Malley? He could kill you? And I was like, I want to die, so who gives a fuck?

Then she didn't fuck me. Oh, we know, but Joelist is going to fuck me, I think sure.

You will be missed. Rick Diaz. Your impact here the past month has been absolutely incredible. You're so different than every other Golden Ticket winner and regular in the history of the show. Very, very borderline, suicidal character.

These are incredibly kind words. If only I gave a fuck. I mean, okay, all right again, you're an asshole.

For no reason, I like it personally, I like it, I like it, Joe.

We're going to miss you Rick. have fun over in Europe, guys, come on his last set. I'm going to miss you too guys.

His last set in America make some noise for Rick Diaz. Everybody.

All right, there he goes.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go, 60 seconds uninterrupted to the kill tony debut of Drew Santana, Everybody Drew Santana. You guys having fun out there, huh?

All right here he is. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Drew Santana.

I don't know why people think I'm gay.

It doesn't matter what I wear, I could be wearing a woman right now, and some of you would still have doubts. I know it.

I think he was trying to teach me about sacrifices.

Making compromises for the ones you love. I've seen a couple of open mic comics square up to fight at open mics, and I got to say, watching these open mic comics square up to fight is like watching women's basketball.

Disappointing and overall uneventful.

Thank you, disappointing and uneventful.

What the fuck is going on here? It's a posture brace, I have Kyphosis in my back, it's not, yeah, what?

It's a posture brace. Yeah, it looks like a gay thing, but I got bad posture. You have bad posture, so you have to wear that. You could also hold onto it if you wanted to. Why'd you put it under your shirt?

I remember you, you like, don't answer questions and shit, you're like, I hated you the first time, right?

Yeah, I kind of do now again. Yeah, I remember now, I remember immediately. yeah.

Okay, Joe List, it doesn't look gay to me. It looks like you work at home depot. to me, yeah, more like homo depot. Am I, right?

Is there anything you wish you did differently? Last time you were on this show? I didn't make note of a couple of things, like being on shrooms. I've been microdosing a little bit and usually before I kill Tony, it'll take a little bit more than a microdose and I'm pretty. Uh, did you do that again?

Yeah, wow, can you tell? Unbelievable people are cheering for the drug mushrooms, not for you, just to make that clear.

No, yet again, I like to make sure nobody leaves here with any extra confidence that they did not deserve.

D-Madness isn't going pee by the way. He just hates you. There he goes, a floating pair of sunglasses flies by the side of the room.

Um.

Tony His whole energy is like women's basketball. Yeah, it's true, wnB gay, you know what I mean?

All right, but at least he's standing up straight, that's nice. That is true. I would hunch over, too, if I had everything about you.

Is there ever a time where you're very confident and stand up straight like a man?

I try, not really. No, oh, you're so annoying, I don't. I'm just gonna keep it moving.

There he goes again, Drew, Santana, Drew. Take a break from signing up for a while until you're ready to, like, talk and like, enunciate and shit. It felt like his jaw was wired shut. Yeah, he was like that last night I did mushrooms.

And I forgot to write, Oh hi, oh, oh oh, get the fuck out of here, you know? Who doesn't forget to write every week?

The next comedian regular taking over the show by storm, perhaps one of the strongest forces in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony Crushing in theaters all around the world. With me. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody.

Give me some money nigga.

So I decided to give her the money and then she went, Come here, nigga, give me a hug.

So I was like, Okay, and I hugged her, and then she was rubbing her pussy hand on my back.

And I could smell it. You know what I'm saying? She was like, Thank you so much for the money, baby. I really appreciate the money. And I wanted to push off the hug, right? But before I could do that, she had a schizophrenic breakdown and forgot who I was.

Who is you, Nigga?

That's how you do it. See, he does it every week. Come on, man, we outside, man, these people run out of a minute with a stark....

What's up Sosa? What's up killer this? nigga's fucking shining nigga fuck man true gang violence, sugar John O'Malley.

This nigga's a star nigga. You know what I'm saying? absolutely Joe Les. my thoughts exactly talk to him Joe.

But I love you Joe, you remind me I like you Nigga. you a good dude man. I appreciate it.

Nice to meet you, I'm a fan of you. Gang shit, you know what I'm saying? I saw a couple clips and I was like, That's really funny. I don't buy your Merch or anything.

I get it, I understand, I understand completely my nigga.

Mutual respect. I think Cam thinks you're a public defender, by the way.

He's trying to keep you on his good side here. He's not. No, he's one of the best stand-ups working today. Thank you. I'm not even smart.

Not for everybody on YouTube right now. Joe Les Big Special Cam, You did it again, How fun. What's going on in life?

Same old shit. Black people taking pictures with me now, that's pretty cool, not that I have a problem or not, but Black people taking pictures with me is pretty dope.

I really enjoy that shit, that's cool as hell. It is incredible. There was an old Black man in Chicago. Did I talk about this last week?

No, I think somebody told me about it. I can't remember who I tell the stories to and not. But there was an old Black guy in Chicago. We were taking a picture in front of the Chicago Theater Marquee, we were across the street, big, giant, iconic marquee.

And he goes, Hey man, you're the fucking Rocks guy.

And he walked right by me. William David Lucas just wanted to say hi to the Rocks guy real quick. Yeah, that shit was crazy. When we was in Kansas City, a dude had seen me. He was like, Hey, I don't know who you is, but people know you nigga.

So I'm going to take a picture with me for my son. My son might know who you is, and my only thought is, what if his son has no idea who I am? And I just got a picture with a random nigga in his phone, you know what I'm saying?

That's pretty hilarious.

Yeah, 100, I love it. Cam, you've been killing all over town. We're going to. Where are we going this week, Philly?

PHILLY VIRGINIa Yeah, Tyson's Virginia. thank you very much. How did you know that? Oh, it's Yoni.

It's my tour manager. I thought it was an audience member telling me that I'm in Tyson's Virginia. This nigga's a stalker. Who the fuck said that? Yeah, exactly.

That's my number one stalker, Yoni.

I love it, so yeah, we're doing that. Philly and D..C. You ever been there before? Hell, no.

No, you've never been to any of these places. I don't go nowhere nigga. I stay home for a little minute. You know what I'm saying? There was Bobby Brown Jr. who's from Jacksonville. You ever work with him before?

He's living on my couch right now, man, Oh, he's on your couch. Yeah, my brother, you know what I'm saying? I brought him here, I'm bringing everybody, nigga.

There's a lot of people from Florida that are friends with him, that are moving, but every time you go to Florida, you don't really see that funny comic. When you're on the road, them niggas is hiding, you know what I'm saying?

But yeah, everybody, I know that I'm telling to come, they come and they be funny, but a lot of niggas coming on their own. I didn't tell them to be here.

Right, that happens, yeah, that happens a lot. I'm in town, I don't know you, bitch, you know what I'm saying?

Cam Rocking, the official Cam Patterson t-shirt available at Killmerch.

Com Talk to Me.

Freshly restocked. You're making a lot of t-shirt money through us right now. That's insane, actually, quite incredible. This is where they when I was selling drugs, so you know what I'm saying?

It's kind of beautiful, selling a whole different kind of white and rocks.

Do you have a new rock this week that we can see? Is there a special rock that you have? I will rush now to clear. I got black milds in my pocket. Oh shit, black milds.

You smoke black milds, dude, I don't typically.

I got this just for you. Wow, chill list. Someone's going to be vomiting tonight.

Oh shit, talk to me, dude, save your black milds, I need that back.

I think I'm addicted nigga.

That one does smoke the hell out of those, you know what? I'm going to bring up something kind of crazy. The other night we were all drinking at Mitzi's and I walked into the restroom at one point and I heard, like, from one of the stalls. And as I'm walking to the urinal and I hear that, I glance through the crack and I just see a bright white t-shirt.

That's all I saw. And I go, cam is that you? and he goes, Yeah, and I go, you alright, and you said, Yeah, I do this all the time.

When I drink, sometimes that be hitting my stomach wrong. I got to go throw up before I throw up on you. I got to get out of the way you feel me. But then the black Milds sometimes the shit be getting. I swallowed that shit on accident, I got to evacuate the system. You feel me.

You've been hanging out with white girls too much, man. Nah, for real, yeah. Red Band, as you can tell, never throws up, I never throw up. Holds on to everything that he eats and drinks.

Like a bear before hibernation, I love sodium, I believe morbid obesity is what it's called. But anyway, Cam, you did it again.

Another amazing minute, so much fun. There he goes. Cam Patterson everybody.

Okay, back to the bucket, we go, we're having fun tonight, we're getting through it.

It's a fun one. Still, more special treats to go. We're going to get one bucket full and then we have another fun thing that's about to happen. But first, 60 seconds uninterrupted to our first female of the night.

Make some noise for Helena Ann Charlotte, Everybody, Helena Ann Charlotte.

One more time for Helena, Everybody, come on.

Hi.

So I'm going to throw up.

You know these apps that you can get on your phone to help you manage your time and get more productive? I downloaded five of them and I'm still not doing anything with my life. I don't understand.

Maybe it's because they were free.

I've never received an unsolicited dick pic in my life, and as a grown woman, it kind of hurts.

It's not that I necessarily want one, but I would like to be able to complain about it.

Men have always been so respectful to me. How am I supposed to relate to the female condition?

I find it a little bit transphobic when they put free tampons in the women's bathroom. It's like a reminder for trans women that they'll never be real women.

You sound a lot like Rick Diaz.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a month ago? It's my fourth time, really. Wow.

Very good for a month in one of the better sets of the night, which is incredible for both being a month in and being a female.

Thank you. So what made you want to start a month ago?

What inspired you to start stand-up comedy? I've always loved stand-up, but I'm really shy. And recently I was realizing that I'm getting old. So I kicked myself in the butt. I was like, maybe I should start now before I die? Yeah, absolutely.

No doubt about it, it is good to start before you die, it is one of the main things you have to do. What is that accent French?

How long did you live in France? All my life? But I've been living in Canada for 12 years now. Ah, Canada, the old gateway drug to France.

Where in Canada? Montreal? Yeah, of course, Frenchie French land mini France.

Sorry, Mini France, yeah. Do you have many friends? Sure, I feel like that's what you thought I said, so I'm just going to ask.

What do you do for a living up in Montreal? Not much. I do crappy jobs because on the side I like to do my stuff, like creative things and stuff like that. What kind of creative things you make?

Easter baskets and things like that.

No, like comics.

You draw comics, yeah, like comic strips, stuff like that, you draw your shirt.

Yes, oh, that's you, you did that small font.

Matches your tits?

Thank you, Austin 4. but a Montreal 9..

I think she's hot. Oh, Sugar Shine thinks she's hot.

Look at that.

Boo-boo this woman.

Is it Bobby Brown Jr?

And okay, Jillis, what do you think about this lady? I thought it was great, I mean, it took a little while and there were some great jokes. I can't figure out your shirt, though.

Is it a joke? It's supposed to be funny? Yeah, well, that's what I'm struggling with. I think it's okay.

It says, Where did you get this shirt? cool? and then the person with the shirt that says very cool says, I can't tell you. Can you explain why? That's funny to us? Oh my God.

You know those hipster people who don't want to tell you where they get really cool things? I don't know. I thought it was funny. I bet that kills in France. Yeah, it does.

Wah wah, wah, wah wah. Very funny.

So let me ask you this, your boyfriend. He's also French-Canadian, he's from Morocco, but he moved in Montreal when he was like three or four. Okay, how long have you two been together?

Almost five years now, five years. Wow, how do you keep things spicy in the bedroom? What do you guys do?

What's the trick? I don't....

I don't know if he's going to want me to talk about what we do in the bathroom. Oh, he beats you.

What do you guys do for fun? We have a lot of friends, we hang out and we drink, and you know, normal people stuff, normal people stuff. Is there anything wild about you that we would be surprised to know?

Any special skills or talents or anything that you've done? Nothing wild about me. what? nothing wild about me, nothing wild about you.

I don't think so. I box, I do boxing. Oh, you do boxing. why don't you put the mic in the mic stand?

Show us a little shadow boxing. here we go, here we go, show us a little form.

Come on, put the mic in the mic stand. I'm not very good at it. It's okay, just show us.

Oh my god.

Uh-oh, whoa, oh wow, oh my goodness. oh wow.

Okay, yeah, that was terrible. I was hoping to see her box.

Is that true? No, you don't have to answer that red Band. I made a joke, you made it frightening when you ask, it's scary.

French, Canadian Yeah, there you go, you're just saying words at this point.

Before I let you go, what would be something that would surprise us about you? You seem so shy, so unassuming, but I mean, boxing is one thing, but what else? There must be something.

Okey-dokey, nothing better than shy people on Kill Tony. Somehow, for the first time ever, Bones Eye made a rainbow-colored Kill Tony big joke book. And I feel like you're just liberal enough to appreciate that. No, but thank you, there you go.

Almost had it. French-Canadian's not good at much. There she goes, Helena and Charlotte, everybody.

All right, deal ready? Yeah, great.

You guys are in for a special treat. The young man that you're about to see, famously one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, retired at the 10-year anniversary. Now, when we get to see him, it's a special treat when he wants to show off a brand-new minute. One of the greatest roasters in the history of Kill Tony, this is a special appearance by Kill Tony legend, the great and powerful David Lucas. Everybody.

Yeah.

Having sex with.

Skinny white women.

Is like eating plain Greek yogurt.

It's like, I don't want to eat this shit, but I'm hungry as fuck.

It's like, you ain't got no honey or no granola, nigga.

I hang with Rogan.

But I don't believe in aliens.