#654: MATT MCCUSKER

Hey y'all the l.

A forum is right around the corner. And, contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube theater, two days later, has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kill Tony's history. Travel.

Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand-up comedy Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show. do our own stand-up sets. I'm gonna be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St.

Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special. Just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love.

Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redneck Comedy Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hitchcock.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah, hey, look, it's Redman, everybody.

Hey yeah.

You did it, you made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, you guys excited?

Thanks to our friends Gel Blaster, Yellow, Rose, Red, Rose Hall, Law Firm Ninjabuses.

Com CM, Smokehouse, Connect, Mobile Health and asphalt. 3D made us this super cool thing, this magnet bucket pool thing. That now I can keep all the names that I pull out in order and in position. It's like state-of-the-art 3D printing. Shout out to our friend Asphalt 3D. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? God damn it.

Son of a bitch on the horns, Carlos Sosa.

Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo.

Not to be confused with the great Michael Gonzalez.

And then, on the diverse side of the room, we have the mortician Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys and the Dark Force D-Madness on the bass guitar. Everybody.

Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx..com for tickets.

You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

Every single week I have at least one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show, this week is no different. I love this show because I take great pride in not only pulling names out of the bucket and introducing people to people, to comedians that are getting their start, or perhaps breaking into the industry. But another one of the amazing things that I think we do here is we introduce to you or remind you of some of the great, fucking existing comedians that are about to change the goddamn game. This is one of those guys.

An absolute monster. You know him from his hit podcast Matt and Shane's Secret podcast, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the great and powerful Matt McCusker, everybody.

Boom, fuck yeah. His second time ever on this show, the first one being the New Year's Eve episode. This is his first time at Kiltoni at the Mothership.

Home field advantage. One of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Tilting the polarization of the Austin comedy scene. One of my favorite comedians.

How's it going? Matt? Pretty good. Thank you for the introduction. Matt's on tour. mattmccusker.com for tickets.

And, of course, Matt and Shane's secret podcast Shane Gillis Taping SNL. This week, we got Matt McCusker on the number one live comedy show in the world.

So fuck you, Shane.

So welcome Matt, you did New Year's Eve. That show was fucking awesome, crazy. We're going to have fun here again. You remember how it works?

175 people tonight signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and they have to wrap it up then.

And then I interview them, we find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

I pull the name out, they go, they grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor choices. Which is what we're going to see a lot of people make tonight, and we will begin with one of our regulars, everybody.

Now, some of you might not know yet, but there is a new regular that starts every episode of the show. He's a goddamn force of nature. You probably know him from his hit appearances on Of All Things Kill Tony. I present to you one of the top young rappers, rising comedians in the world. Austin Zone This is Casey Rocket.

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. All right. Hell yeah, Sirius XM Radio. All right, very cool. I got to get out of here.

I got a softball game after this. It's not a beer league, it's a fentanyl league. Should be pretty fun, me and the boys shooting up, sleeping on the ball field.

Most of you probably know me as the creator of the smartwatch, but I also donate to a number of successful charities, most notably the Reverse Ice Bucket Challenge. That's where I dump a bucket of hot water on somebody who has ALS.

Easy money. Hell yeah, get real. Look at this guy rubbing his eyes. you're not dreaming, sweetie.

This dude's fast as fuck, come on.

Get lost.

That's what I do. Every time I see a police horse, I just gargle his lips a little bit. Solve any crimes lately, brainiac, you know, it's Biden's.

America Police are horses. Okay, we're done. Thank you, Casey Rocket.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

The fucking.

Mighty Machine of Morocco Casey Rocket has arrived. Another brand new minute. Thank you so much, goddamn fun.

All right, yeah, fun. I don't know why I thought you were all gonna yell like that, too. Didn't feel good.

You are a fucking phenom. This weekend, for the first time ever in my stand-up comedy history. I took Casey Rocket to a massive theater to open up for me and it was un-fucking-believable. If you think he's fun in large, sold-out comedy rooms, you should see him in an unbelievably huge sold-out theater. His crab walk from side to side is so fast. Have you ever measured it?

What's your 40 crab walk? Oh crab? 40? yeah, 35..

It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's about Mach 3, Mach 3 or 4. The key is small steps. I don't want to tell you too much, but he uses the entire stage.

I mean, you actually watch him lose like 3 or 4 pounds in 15 minutes on a theater stage. It is absolutely incredible. Your cardio is amazing. How do you stay in shape?

Uh, one day at a time, just spending time with my friends, and.

Sitting down with a good book and, uh, just hoping for the best. Yeah, playing, uh, no, I don't know what I was going to say, playing something, just hanging with the boys and crabbing a lot. We're doing stand-up all the time, so I have a very specific skill set of just crab-based cardio. That doesn't translate to almost anything else in life except the bedroom wink.

And, uh, just fucking crabbing circles around her.

Are you close yet?

Where did the crab Walk, like, originate from? What was your inspiration? Uh, honestly, okay, so me and my friend. honestly, so. Me and my friend Tommy, uh, drank a bunch of Robitussin when we were 15 years old.

It's absolutely true. And he was walking around, he was the original crab, I paid him 100 grand for it. He we were tripping on Robitussin and he was really, he got really red.

Uh, he got flushed, probably because it's like poison or whatever and like. But at the time we were like, Oh, you're so red. And he was walking around, going crab, crab boy, crab boy. And I was like, Oh my....

It's perfect. And, uh, so it became a thing in our friend group that we would all crab around all the time. We love it. Is this normal, amazing?

Unbelievable. Uh, there was, uh, one point just to let you know what? Being on the road with K.C. Rocket is kind of like. At one point when, um, we left the airport, uh, one of our amazing producers, the Great Christy, says, Alright y'all, we're pulling up to the hotel soon. Um, if I could have your guys IDs, I'm gonna get you all checked into the hotel super quick. You guys can kill a few minutes and I'll be right back with your room keys.

And K.C. proceeded to pull out multiple different IDs of different human beings. He had a Blake, a Blake. Shelton was one of them.

I had a punisher one, which is kind of like when people piss me off.

Um.

Yeah, Blake Shelton, there was, Uh, what's her name? Billie Eilish? Yeah, so it was a bad, bad girl. License is what it says. I didn't bring it, but yeah, it is amazing. K.C. You are a sensation. absolutely hilarious all the time.

He has a very interesting diet. You want to tell these people what you eat for breakfast, uh?

What was it? nitrogen? nitrogen bar, um.

Nitrogen bar gumball Um, pat of butter. Yeah, the nitrogen bar is really big, though, so mostly just one of those. Yeah, just a reminder of how stupid Red Band is. Just then he goes really. No, he didn't really eat a nitrogen bar, he's doing comedy. No, I thought that was an actual like protein bar.

Yeah, like a bodybuilder or something. What is a nitrogen bar? It's not something that's just um.

Yeah, did you ever hit the oxygen bar at the boardwalk? Where's that? They used to sell oxygen at the boardwalk at the Jersey shore? Oh, okay.

Yeah, I've never been to the Jersey shore. Have you ever done a vodka shot? That's like, they make it air well, you breathe it in. Yeah, I've done that, actually. It's pretty sick.

Yeah, you breathe it in, not the same thing. you freebase it. yeah, you freebase vodka. yeah, you're like freebasing vodka. So I've done it.

That's more my speed, then.

Oxygen? What if you? What if it was straight up booze? I didn't inhale the shot, though. Yeah, you faked it. I faked it. Hell yeah.

I went.

Oh, it's so cool, guys, I'm so drunk on oxygen for you.

I love it. Well, Casey, what a great way to get the show started. You did it again. You're an absolute phenom. So much fun on the road.

Can't wait to get you back out there. More make some noise for the great and powerful Casey Rock. Thank you guys, have fun, hell yeah.

And like that, it has begun. I've pulled the first name out of the bucket and the show shall begin. How exciting this new 3D board make some noise for the Kill Tony debut.

Anything can happen at this part. This is the craziest show in the world. Everybody else when they do a fucking podcast, they know who they're talking to. We have no idea. This is 60 seconds of stand-up, Uninterrupted by Jackson Nami, Everybody.

Jackson Nami, perhaps?

Do you know what the problem with gay comics is? they're too fucking gay, like I'm gay, but you ain't ever gonna catch me skipping.

My dad, when he found out I was gay, he took it pretty hard. He was like, Jackson, are you gay? I said, I'm not gonna give you a straight answer.

And then he came over, he was like, why you got knee pads, but no rollerblades?

You know, I'm gay, right? But I'm not an ally. I'm not an ally, I'm in the axis of powers.

It's Germany and Ireland. My boyfriend broke up with me because he found out I was gay.

He took it real hard, he took it right on the chin.

This Black girl asked me if I say the n-word, I said, ever, ever, ever.

Alright, thanks.

Jackson Nami Nami, welcome to the show. Jackson. How long you been doing stand-up? six fucking years, man?

Six fucking years, man, incredible. Where at Houston, Texas, that's why I'm good.

Okay, sure, that's why, Houston, we know you love pumping for oil.

I love it, so welcome Jackson. This is incredible for you, Matt, your best friend. Shane is the newest Bud Light spokesman. This was the one right before him.

He does look like one of those newfangled trans school shooters, no doubt about it. Liberal arts school shooter. I love it. Jackson, what do you do for a living?

I work at a hair store, old ladies come up to me, they're like, What can I do with my weave? I'm like, nothing can help that mop on your head, Oh shit, you're a bad hair salesman, chariot.

I love it. Are you gay? Nope, keep dreaming, Jackson.

Keep dreaming. I'll let you jerk off to the podcast, though back at home, I love it. So how often do you come to Austin to perform? This is my first time.

Your first time wow, six years in Houston, this is your first time coming to Austin and you got pulled out of the bucket first. What are the fucking odds?

You're a lucky little gay guy, aren't ya?

Tell us about some of your escapades. You said you're not that gay, but you seem gay as fuck.

I'm gay as the day is long, yeah, and the day might be longer than any of us know. If that's how gay you are. It's like a 48-hour day right here.

So tell us about it, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? Suck dick? Okay, uh, well, I mean,....

¿Fellatio.

Okay, yeah, I know what, that is all over. You did what?

You sure you don't want to try it? No, no, no, I'm positive. you're not even HIV positive. Yeah, keep dreaming again. You're just really, really, just....

You're so gay, dude, it's incredible.

Usually I'm so gay on this show, but you came and you make me look like fucking red band. You make me just look like a...

I just.

I just cry a lot, do you? What do you cry about? This? dude? broke my heart.

Mackenzie Jewell, fuck you so bad. Wow. you called him out by name. fuck you Mackenzie. Yeah, Mackenzie. you fucking....

You made the biggest mistake of your life, pal, Tell us about it. What did he do? How did this go down? I want to know.

I want to know the fucking dirt. He's gay and I'm gay. we know he's gay, dude. Two gays don't necessarily make a....

A baby, we're both bottoms, oh.

You put the batteries in the wrong way.

Uh-oh.

The scissoring, the old ass-to-ass.

We're two catty bitches. It didn't work out. Oh my goodness, gracious. So how did it go down? He broke your heart.

He broke my fucking heart. How did he do it? Tell us how did the breakup happen via text?

No, we went to Orange, Texas, and came back and he was like.

You went to a place in Texas named after a fruit.

And you got broken up with Everywhere I go is named after fruit. All right, you're tagging good jokes with bad jokes here, you're knocking him down.

You're knocking him down there, Jackson, so tell us how it went down. Did he tell you? He was like, I can't do this anymore, I just....

I wish.

I need somebody that will fuck me in the ass. you wouldn't fuck him in the ass. I want to be fucked, man, you just like being fucked.

I just want to be fucked, I don't want to fuck, so how do you cum? Sounds like a good marriage, very hard.

You cum hard while getting fucked in the ass. If I think of gay shit, I cum really hard. Okay, I still don't really get how gay sex works. Believe it or not, I know that sounds suspicious.

There's a g-spot in your asshole and it just comes out, your penis gets hard and then you cum. What you don't like, touch it or anything.

If you want to, okay, you're making this harder than it has to be. Oh my.

Jackson, Have you ever been with a woman before? It was a Black girl? Okay, how long ago was that? She was like, Shut your ass up, Jackson?

Shut your bitch ass up, she didn't like me, damn.

Famously homophobic d-madness on the attack. And he did, he got right in his face there for a second. I don't know if you saw that.

LEaN Oh shit, he looking at my ass. whoa, whoa d. You were nowhere close to his ass, by the way.

Jackson Just up here, no d. Stop reaching for it, you're not going to get what you're looking for. Dude, this is a trick to get fucked in the ass. Don't fall for it, dude.

Keep that base out of here. I like Stevie Wonder, Come on, Okay, Jesus Jackson, Okay D. relax.

Relax d Jesus Christ Jackson Fun times d Sit down, you crazy bastard.

He does not like it. You got a lot of attitude, man, a lot of gay attitude. Yeah, dude, I like your YouTube special.

Thank you sir, this guy's not gay at all, dude, he's fucking crazy.

My special was like, conversion therapy. You think I still have hope I can find the light? Absolutely, dude. Okay, tell my dad that.

I will, I'm gonna fuck your dad.

Ever since I've been gay, my dad just works on the fence all day, man, he don't even stop. He's not even broken. He just hates me. He works on the fence.

I'm gonna fuck him on the fence, I'm gonna fuck your dad. Don't worry, how old are you? Jackson, 23..

Do you still live with your parents? Yeah.

What does your dad do for a living? I don't fucking know. You don't know what your dad does for a living. I don't know, he prays the gay away.

We're gonna let you out of here, Jackson. When they stop answering, that's when the fun ends. Jackson caught the little joke bug.

Not easy for a gay guy to catch things, but he did it. Your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Sumner, Everybody, Gordon Sumner, moving on to Gordon Sumner bucket pool number two.

Oh, look, it's the great Heidi everybody. I forgot to mention we have a new member of the crew, Heidi Golznig everyone. You might remember her from the New Year's Eve episode of Kill Tony. There she goes.

HEIDI Everybody, we gotta get her out at a better time. Producers than when the comedian comes out. Make some noise. One more time for Gordon Sumner. Everybody, Gordon Sumner, what's up, everybody?

So I got a problem with Pete Davidson. Okay, he's too tall, he's too good at comedy, and his dick is too big. Okay, but you know what he proves?

You can't be great at comedy, you can't be tall and have a father.

Anybody here do jiu-jitsu? you look like the kind of guy that does jiu-jitsu, this guy right here, hold on.

Let me pause for a sec.

You look like the kind of guy that does jiu-jitsu, you do jiu-jitsu, oh my god.

I got a problem with jiu-jitsu people, too.

Cauliflower eye, uh, ear. And then if you ever want to fight one of these weirdos, they say, All right, come on.

That's my time, that's my time. There we go. GORDON SUMNER All right, we started the show with a gay guy and then a faggot.

This is exciting. Oh my god.

Gordon Absolutely terrible.

Demanding to do crowd work with this tough guy in the front row, he said, Do you do jiu-jitsu? And the guy said, Better than your comedy. You guys didn't get to hear that. But he got lit the fuck up by a kill Tony fan in the front row. Be careful what you wish for trying to bring people into your set, what?

I was scared, I was scared. I'm sorry for cutting you off, there you go, okay?

How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, on and off, about six years, Jesus Christ, on and off for six years. Oh, Matt McCusker.

So you've been focusing more on, like selling percocets, like, what are you up to?

You're dressed like every PERC dealer I knew in the early 2000s, no doubt about it. Do you sell some kind of drugs? I used to? Yeah, what kind of drugs did you sell?

Uh, I can't. well, there's no cops here, right? Uh, Coke weed right on. Yeah, Coke, okay.

You think there's a cop here that's gonna get you for drugs that you used to sell.

Or do you still sell them?

It is, it's like, I think it's the hair dye job, because it's like blonde, but it's not bleach blonde, it's like the concentrated lemon juice. Remember when people used to...?

Good God almighty, he's on the run from that 8-ball he sold three years ago, he's on the run.

Gordon, what do you do for a living now? I'm unemployed?

What was the last job that you had? I used to drive trucks, what kind of trucks? Not quite a CDL level, but like, below that, you know, u-hauls.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of trucks exactly describe the truck and what would be in the truck? It was a moving company, and it was below that you were a furniture, you moved furniture.

I used to move furniture. Yeah, and you call yourself a truck driver, and you expected me to just move on with no follow-up. That's stealing valor, stealing valor from the truck drivers.

That is extreme stolen valor.

Unbelievable. I was a truck driver, it was a really big minivan, I was driving that around, backed it into spaces.

It wasn't a big deal. I could move a lot of boxes. Did you get fired from the moving company or did you quit? I quit? How long ago was this?

It was like, a year ago, you've been unemployed for a year, yeah, so how do you survive? Describe to these people, realistically, being honest.

I'm a fucking genius, that's how I, okay, very good. So how do you do it? There's some officers here tonight, actually.

There are some officers. I save money and then I just decided to pursue comedy. You save money while moving furniture. I rap too.

I'm a rapper, you're a rapper. Yeah, really. are you really a rapper?

Prove it, prove it, tell Michael what kind of beat you want, tell Michael and D-madness what kind of beat you want. You got forgot about Dre?

You know how to do that? What forgot about Dre? Forgot about Dre Matt Muehling?

You got that, yeah, dude, one, two, one, two, three, four.

Oh, they're just a bunch of different ways. Some motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre. No, you just did what they do. What are you saying?

Is this karaoke? No dude, he's doing the hook. You said you were a fucking rapper, you just did an eminem impression. He's Warren G.

He's Warren G. he's Hooks only. I'm not that, I'm not that. He just did the chorus.

Hooks only dude, you're not a rapper at all. you just did what they do. I just try to fucking entertain, you know, I don't know, so you're not a rapper.

I just try to make people laugh. you know, people smile. You know, that was sick. that was very funny. Yeah, that was so funny.

Okay, that was just. My mind is literally blown. I do whatever it takes. Okay, well, you're doing nothing.

And then you just did it. Motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre. Like anybody can do that, anybody can fucking do that, the chick from Houston, with her arms crossed, can do that.

Yeah, she's fucking pissed. Yeah, finally woke her ass up. I can actually see the American flag.

She has uncrossed her arms.

Do you have any talent whatsoever in any field? Six years on and off of comedy? Your rap game is atrocious. you don't rap. do you do anything?

You saved up enough money moving furniture to survive. There's nothing to you. This guy is just me. The more that I look at him, I'm like, Fuck, dude, this is just me, you make me question.

I sing too, I sing.

No, you don't, he said. He can sing.

Okay, thank you.

First time you do now, there he goes. Gordon Sumner Everybody, good shit, man.

Okay, we don't need to do that. You have an open wound on your hand, by the way. It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

Right on his knuckle. Okay, he had a punch in the steering wheel. Cut this fucking....

Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Billy Swift, Everybody, Billy Swift.

You guys, uh, you guys think anybody's ever taken a viagra recreationally?

Like, no sexual purpose, just a guy wakes up, he's like, I don't know, man, I want to look good today, you know?

I think we should normalize that shit, you know, all these chicks getting half-priced coffees with their tits hanging out. I want to pop a Viagra and try to buy a 2008 Toyota, you know, oh?

You sure you can't take $1,500 off the price?

Well, how about now, big boy? You know what I mean? Three-quarter Chub get a quarter off the price.

I, Uh, I'm recently single and, uh, I've realized that I like different things sexually. Now that I'm single, I've realized that I like to make girls queef.

It's just kind of like the trumpets of victory to me, you know, like, I start hearing that shit, get to going. I start stomping my foot, beating on her stomach, you know, turn her into Mumford and cunts, you know what I mean? All right, thank you everybody. That's been my time there. He is Billy Swift doing comedy.

That's our first, I believe, actual set of the night from a human being.

Welcome Billy. How long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years now? two and a half years, making the six-year people look like fucking one-week people.

Unbelievable. BILLY Uh, Matt, I thought he did great. Yeah, I was hoping you'd ask this guy if he did jiu-jitsu right after saying Pete Davidson's dad died.

Two and a half years Billy Swift where at Orlando, Orlando, Florida. Okay, the home of the great Cam Patterson.

You know, Cam, Yes, sir. We were pretty good friends, went back like when I started, he was around the same time. Okay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas? Oh, I just moved here January 1st.

Nice congratulations. Thank you sir. happy New Year too. Yeah, thanks man, I appreciate that.

What do you do for work? BILLY Uh, I install blinds or shades and shit like that. Whoa d-madness, be careful, yeah.

Uh.

He qualifies as both a blind and a shade, if you know what I mean.

Uh.

Uh, not to be confused with Slim Shady, whose amazing music we just heard a moment ago.

Billy Swift from Orlando You moved here and you're installing blinds here. Yes, sir, yeah, and everything's going good. Yeah, it's going great. fucking love this city, it's awesome.

What do you love about Austin, Texas? Tell these people watching from all around the world, Uh, the homeless are a lot like, crazier here, I like that than in Orlando. Oh yeah, yeah, for sure.

Really, what's crazier here than in Orlando? I was just in L..A. and I forgot they're different there. Uh, it all really depends, I think, what drugs are on the streets, a lot of people with blankets over their heads, publicly urinating, San Francisco shitting.

They shit on the streets for some reason. Tell us about the Orlando homeless. What are they known for? They're fucking chill, I mean, they don't really do much.

You know, they're more heroin guys, so they take naps and stuff. Well-rested people out there in the heat of Orlando, yeah, the most magical place on earth. I've never in Orlando. I lived there for six, seven years, and I've then when I moved here. I've never seen a homeless pair of tits before I came here.

And I've, I've seen so many. They're fucking, they're a lot, they're not bad either. Oh, there you go, homeless tits, if you clean them up a little, you know?

There you go, Red Band working on new material.

Hey, those tits aren't that bad lady. You wanna hop in my Tesla? Yeah, exactly, hop in the back with me. We'll let it drive.

You got a nice place, mister.

Her belly button, I think it's a C-section scar, is what she's trying to hide.

She's fucking your guy's a city, alright, I don't know, no. But then, uh, the other lady was wearing like a muumuu, and she just goes titties and fucking kept running down the road. Yeah, she was just making people's day.

I think she just wanted to take a day off, you know? Wow, just give back. yeah, just give back to the community, you know, y'all, motherfuckers, been giving me dollars and shit.

Titties, which is the one that you see, which is your homeless? is it the Muumuu one? No, it's the one that's covering up her stomach. I've seen that one.

I thought yours was the muumuu, since you respond to that kind of language.

Because you're a cow. I got it.

Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that MMA. What were you the bag?

Oh shit dude, I'm kidding bro, I'm kidding bro. just kidding bro.

Yeah.

What kind of MMA did you specialize in? No, I mean, like, I started doing jiu-jitsu and muay thai and then transitioned into MMA once I got older. But I wrestled in high school, did all that kind of stuff. I had one amateur fight, how'd that go?

Knocked a guy out by 52 seconds, you knocked him out in 52 seconds, and then you retired. Yep, undefeated, bitch.

Okay, that was a fat person MMA joke right there. If Khabib was a kebab, he retired undefeated.

Khabib retired undefeated. People laughing. It's a food kebab, okay, I love it.

So what made you retire after only one fight? I just got burnt out, man. I was doing construction and then I trained from like fourth grade. My dad was a professional fighter, so he always had me training with him.

And then I started from fourth grade, wrestled all the way through high school, took it seriously, and then I got old and just decided to stop. It's a shame the first bucket Pool's father wasn't a professional fighter. You know what I mean, I gotta be straight as an arrow right now.

Do you know that gay guys can come from the bottom position without touching their penis at all? It's like a magician's trick or something. They just get fucked and they get hard and they come. That's a weird Wim Hof method.

By getting fucked in the ass, I'm like, what?

You're saying you didn't know where the bus station was? I swear to God, I didn't know. I thought there has to be something right. Yeah, sure, have you never heard of a dude getting milked before?

No dudes can get milked, really. Yeah, this is the fucking weirdest ploy, dude.

I know you're lying, you know exactly what we're talking about right now? He's like, No.

It's nothing right now. I was in a long-term relationship before I moved from Florida here, and you broke up with her to move here. No, but it just ended up happening that way. I was like, what else do I have to stay in Orlando?

You took her to Orange, Texas, and told her it's not working out, just opened up the minivan door, let her out. Have you been with a girl since you've been in Austin? No, have you kissed a girl since you've been in Austin?

No, well, we have a little history on this show. We have some of the best female fans in the world on this comedy show, they know how to play along. So if there's any girl out there that wants to come, give this very funny man his first Austin kiss, let's do it.

You guys think we should, huh? There's the red light, anybody out there?

Fucking nobody, yes.

Billy Swift's about to get a deal on a car.

Oh my goodness, all right. Yo don't look at my dick. Oh my God, Billy Swift getting his first Austin kiss.

Here we go.

Oh, that was a weak kiss. that was a very weak kiss. come on, give him a real kiss.

Wow, wow, look at that, unbelievable. He went from MMA to HPV.

That quick everybody absolutely incredible touch my shoulder.

How do you feel Billy, your first Austin kiss? Her lipstick tasted good or whatever the fuck that was, that was all right. That was an open, cold sore, my friend.

The Austin Special Baby, The sweet sensation. You gotta risk it for the brisket, you know what I'm saying?

Billy, anything else crazy? We should know about you before we let you go. I used to have a tit, I used to have one titty. Explain to us more.

What do you mean by that?

I used to be a fat kid and then I hit puberty. And I thought a cool way to show people I'm fucking tough is to get titty twisters and not flinch. So I'd just stand there and fucking take that shit. And it gave me calcium deposits, pretty much cauliflower here in my tit. It was a handful of people, it was nice.

My nickname was Uno Bresto all through middle school. Do you do jokes about that? No, not yet, you have to, That's crazy.

It seems made up, though I have pictures. It's crazy. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Billy, there you go.

You just got a real gig and a big joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. That's Billy Swift. Everybody. First, good bucket pull.

Constantly getting better, he works it out right here. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

Billy just kissed my dick.

That's a dick sucking joke. Let's get it started. I don't do crowd work, no more at shows. Somebody fucked it up for you. I was doing a show one time and I asked a guy, I said, Man, what do you do for work?

He was like, I fuck your mother every Tuesday and Thursday, and her pussy was bad. And my whole set went straight downhill. I had no response for that bullshit. Listen, the first part, Okay, you know what I'm saying?

Fuck my mama, cool, you feel me, but her pussy being bad, that's some fucked up shit, sir.

My mama got great pussy, that's what I would like to think. I don't know, but I would like to think that I also have a good pussy theory. Hear me out, all right.

I think if you have good pussy, your kids got, you got good hair, that's what that is. If your mama got good pussy, you got good hair. Like you, ma'am, mama had good pussy, you sir, your mama had good pussy.

That nigga bald.

You tell me, baby.

Exactly one minute. Boom, boom, boom. That is how you do it. Cam Patterson has done it again. An unbelievable new minute.

Welcome, thank you, we doing it. Soldier. Hell yeah, d-madness is smiling because you're straight.

I got your back, d-madness, no more games. But I love gay people. What were you going to say? John D has good hair and Matt doesn't, damn.

Oh shit, your mama a slut.

You know what I'm saying? And I got good hair, so I just wanted to make sure that I didn't let them know. My mama got good pussy, that's right, that actually makes total sense. Do you think guys with big dicks have daughters with huge pussies?

Yes, okay, fair enough, gotcha, that's sound logic right there, that makes sense.

I was just curious, I'm a scientist, I know shit like this, that's correct, this is incredible.

We've done more research into the hair pussy, big dick, big pussy. I do believe we've done more research than they did on the Covid vaccine already. This is very exciting. Anthony Fauci's watching, his mind's blown right now.

Who the fuck is that?

That nigga got a cool ass name, Fauci, that nigga sound like a character in a cartoon or something that's hard, Fauci.

That's a good ass name. I don't know what he did, but I like his name. If you don't know how to spell it, that's a good name. F-a-u-c-I call my dad.

He'll get it.

Cam's dad famously can't spell. He shows up on the road all the time. He is so much fun, such a cool guy. He had his feet out.

I was roasting his feet. He has these crazy toes. My dad got the worst toes in the world. me and my dad both have bad toes. My mama would always say, if he ever said I'm not his kid, she would take my feet out.

Same toes. You are a man of many talons.

Remember what I tell you if I ever lie, I can't play Footsie with women in the bed. That's right now that I've seen your dad's feet. It makes total sense. What's wrong with your toes? They have Freddy Krueger-style....

My toes like knives nigga.

I really fuck somebody up with my toes. I got talons. You feel what I'm saying? It's bad, it's not good.

He's like Edward Scissorfeet.

They're just sharp piggies, that's what they are. I don't think it's wolves, dog piggies, sound gape.

I got wolves for feet, but I love gay people.

Make some noise for Heidi, everybody she's on Instagram at.

Ginawith3as.

HG For those of you that like a Instagram handle that is also a Wi-Fi password. Hard to figure out, but I'm sure you fucking internet people will find her with great ease. Cam What else is going on? Anything else crazy this week?

I like her titties.

Good titties that is absolutely spot on.

This week I was on the road with two, I got distracted. It's been fun, man. I had a threesome. Oh wow, I didn't know that.

How did that go? It was terrible, I hated it, I did not like it at all. One of the girls, I didn't know how to share.

She wasn't a good sharer.

She didn't know how to do that too well, she would have been the only child or something.

I ain't like that, I ain't like that shit at all. It wasn't fun. Well, I'm sure we're going to hear more about that in the near future. No, I won't.

I won't talk about it again, really. Reddit is going to kill me nigga. I don't play with them niggas.

I don't play with niggas on Reddit, but I'll murder somebody's grandma about that. Why the threesome? If I do it again as a real joke, people get upset with me.

These internet dorks are unbelievably, unbearable. Then I have to find somebody's grandma. He repeated a joke. He did a joke in his interview. I was still imagining you naked with two women.

I lost the fucking thing. It was fun, it was fun. There's a crazy thing about the threesome. I explained it to my homeboy.

He said I had to go, I would go to one room and fuck one of them, then I'd go to the other room and fuck the other one. He was like, that wasn't a threesome, they ran a train on you.

That's hilarious. I didn't like that too much, that wasn't fun. Now that I think about it, that sounds pretty gay to me. I don't know.

I love gay people.

Cam Patterson, you did it again. Another amazing minute, a perfect example of what a regular on this show does make some noise for Cam everybody, come on, Cam Patterson, there you go.

All right onward, we go back to the bucket, where things can get dangerous real quick. This is 60 seconds for Angelo Seville. Everyone here we go.

Angelo Seville.

I thought I got molested one time.

What else?

I just found out my dog's gay. I got him from the shelter. I started thinking he was gay because he kept doing a lot of gay shit. What confirmed my suspicions was I took him out, I fed him and I left to work. When I got home, I opened the door and he was sitting on the couch.

This time, the peanut butter was on his nuts.

I did it that one time. I'm getting rid of him now, not because he's gay, I'm not getting rid of him because he's gay. That'd be fucked up.

I'm getting rid of him because I was gone for work for a couple weeks and I got home earlier than expected. When I got home, he was fucking a black dude.

Can't have that, man.

One last thing, though, they say chicks dig scars, but.

You don't see burn victims getting a lot of pussy.

Thank you.

Angelo Sebille The amazing thing was that you were getting laughter somehow. I'm not exactly sure how in the world any of that was.

But I guess so. But a wise observation burn victims. Not getting a ton of pussy. So Angelo, how long have you been doing stand-up? a little over a year now?

Where at? I started about an hour north of here, up in Temple, come down to Austin occasionally. What do you do for a living? I'm in the army.

I'm a medic. Have you served overseas? I went to Kuwait, but that was mainly just standing around in the desert, it wasn't really anything cool. We're still Kuwaiting for a punchline.

So you were just standing around in the desert. Because there's not much happening in Kuwait anymore, not at all. No, the war ended there a while ago, so why did they send a medic to Kuwait? It was during the pull-out of Afghanistan.

So there's a lot of refugees going there.

The Kuwaiti government didn't want them there, so they sent them away as soon as I got there. So I played a lot of volleyball, you played volleyball, desert volleyball, a little sand between your toes.

What else do you do, Angelo?

I like to paint, I paint a lot. You gay.

No, why do you say it like that? because I'm not.

I've never heard someone say I'm not gay because I'm not.

I'm not dude.

Okay, Angelo, what's your love life like with the ladies?

I'm actually married to a woman, oh, I have a child. The perfect disguise, it's all one big muse.

What, it's just a big disguise. How old's the? how old is the kid? She's four?

Okay, you spend a lot of time with her, yes? What's your favorite thing about fatherhood?

I don't think I've had a normal fatherhood. My child has special needs, but it's pretty cool. Tell us about the special needs of your four-year-old. She has a rare genetic disorder called Prader-Willi syndrome. What's it called?

Prader-Willi Syndrome p-r-a-d-e-r, p-r-a-d-e-r d-e-r, There you go.

You can do something. I'll look this up. Prader-Willi w-i-l-l-y. It ends in an i.

It ends in an I as in.

Oh, there it is, okay. Let's look at images here. This is what I want. Oh, it's head shots of Red Band.

Disgusting.

Okay, so it's a genetic disorder that causes obesity, intellectual disability, and shortness in height. Do you also suffer from this?

Not yet. Yeah, not yet. But she is intellectually behind so far. For four years old. Okay, so she's four years old. What is she supposed to be doing that she can't do it for?

Like, speaking full sentences and stuff, it's kind of just little words here and there, part of it. There's some similar symptoms with autism, so she's kind of socially delayed, okay?

Do you ever?

Curse God because of what happened to your daughter. No, for a little bit, I was like, Fuck, dude, like, why? No, she's cool, she's super awesome, that's awesome.

What kind of games do you play with her? She likes, like, being pushed down the stairs. Okay, come on, shut up.

Okay, what kind of games does she like? She just likes roughhousing, really. She likes being picked up and thrown around, and then she giggles. I love it.

Who's Praetor Willie? Who's it named after? I think, like a Swedish guy, it's crazy when you get the named after you.

I'm kind of jealous. It is an interesting thing. It's named after the person that discovered it, but I feel like it should be named after the first person that had it. That's what I'm saying.

Bullshit, fuck. Praetor Willie, Yeah.

Yeah, fame hungry doctor exactly aw name it after me.

That's a tight legacy, though.

So how old was she when they made this diagnosis? A little over a month? Wow, how were they able to tell so quickly? She wasn't moving at all? Wow, she just kind of laid there.

She was just kind of like there, like, something's not right, so we gotta find out. Damn, that is incredible.

And you're still with your wife, what does she do? She stays at home with our daughter, right? It seems like that'd be a pretty easy babysitting job, though, since she doesn't move around much.

Yeah, well, actually, now she's all over the place, she's doing good now, that's good. Congratulations. What else do you do for fun, Angelo?

I do this stand up, I like to shoot paint, what do you shoot gel blasters?

Guns, you know, like a straight guy would do.

That's right, an army of one.

Okay, all right, Angelo. So one year in stand-up comedy, you think that's your best minute?

I think that was the most.

Punchlines I could pack into one minute. I think, all right. How often do you get to perform? I was doing it for like four or five times a week for a while, but the past two months I haven't done any. So I just bought a house and then I've just been busy with work and that.

Right, work, and you're still in the army. What do they make you do here?

It's pretty lame, actually. I know there's no war or anything going on. You just kind of like, count stuff, make sure everything's still there. I hope we can find a war for you.

That'd be nice, we might have a good one coming up soon.

But you're like, ready to go, huh? So if we do go to war, you're the medic. Yeah, okay.

Thanks for that. Yeah, thanks for being a medic. No problem, guys. A real street hero. Anything for you?

Anthony Sabile There's a little joke book my friend. There he goes. Angelo Sabile. Everybody, we're going to keep it moving along here.

You guys having fun out there?

All right, make some noise for your next comedian. Mike Ryan. Everybody, Mike Ryan is next on Caltoni.

How's everybody feeling tonight?

I was feeling pretty good to this gay comic back there, he said. I'm dressed like fat Forrest Gump.

His name was Jackson Nami.

So I don't know if you guys can tell by my general demeanor or my fashion sense, but I go to a lot of strip clubs.

Recently, I went to the Yellow Rose.

I heard about it on the show and wanted to go check it out. I actually saw a blind guy there. I was like, Damn dude, it's probably cheaper to listen to Akon at home.

He was singing really loud, He was like, I see you winding and grinding up on that pole. I was like, No, you don't.

I felt pretty bad, though, because he threw like 600 singles at the cigarette machine.

Thank you, I was like.

That was fantastic, that blind strip club Akon joke, absolutely incredible, one of my favorites of the night. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months?

Four months, Wow, this is a very backwards episode. Literally. The two worst sets of the night were the two guys that have been doing it six years. The next best set was two and a half years. You're four months.

I worked with a guy and he told me about this show, What do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in the refineries in Houston. He told me about this show and I started watching it. I fell in love.

I started going to the Seeker Group in Houston. Shout out to Seeker Group, shout out to Andrew Youngblood. I produce his podcast now.

It's the Mess Hall podcast, check it out. I just plug a podcast on here. Seeker Group is amazing. I just saw Andrew open for Mark Norman in Houston as well.

It was great, man. I fell in love with comedy from watching this show. Okay, I love it, absolutely.

I've signed up multiple times and every time that I've signed up, somebody that rode with me got pulled. Will Loden? Trey Campbell is a good friend of mine as well. He's been one of the guys that's helped me out a lot. I recently had him in my podcast as well.

I love it. How old are you? I am 36. What's your living situation? I get barn or shed vibes from you.

I have a house, your own house. When my wife left, I moved in a roommate because I didn't want to live alone. How do you like me? Now? There you go.

Big winner.

I'm like, I'm never getting married. I met her, fell head over heels, we got married and six months later, I came home. And she's like, I don't want to be married to you anymore, why didn't she want to be married to you anymore?

What's the real reason? My best friend and best man? He actually died on my wedding day? Wait a second. I just kind of emotionally shut down immediately. How did he die on your wedding day?

He was murdered, he was murdered on your wedding day, he got shot two days before, and he died an hour before the ceremony. You didn't reschedule the wedding? No.

Your best man got shot two days before. Yeah. I went to the hospital and they told me he was going to be fine, then when they went to do the second surgery to close him up.

Wow, I thought it happened at the wedding. That would be like a live clue event. Who done it? Houston's hood is fucked, dude.

I don't know if you know about Houston, man. That's why a lot of people that live in Houston keep their arms crossed so that they have a natural.

Shield to bullets. Did they find the murderer? No, they never found out who shot him, what was he involved with.

He owned a very successful recording studio and he was recording some rappers and he left to go to the store. Apparently some guys and some alternate crews got into it, they had a shootout in the studio. He pulled up in the driveway and they thought that he was this other person coming back or something. That's as much as I can assume that happened.

Country singers, right?

I'm not going to say the rapper's name, but one day.

Why won't you say the rapper's name? I'm not going to implicate somebody if I don't know for sure. You think that a rapper shot your best friend? I think it's somebody in his posse. Dude. Wow, this is all so interesting.

Thank you, was it akon? I fucking love you Tony. aw. You're sweet. Hey Jackson loves you too boy.

He rode with me, Jackson rode with Nami. Yeah, he rode with me. Oh, you guys are friends, Houston's tight-knit bro.

Hell yeah, his asshole is not tight-knit at all.

Let me tell you, I know from experience, you know what I'm saying. How do you think he got the spot, bro? This is so surreal right now.

This was my only goal. In comedy. I only prepared minutes, I do five-minute mics, but I just do five one-minute sets. Incredible. Well, here you are.

You're doing it, I love that.

Your wife left you, you emotionally shut down. Thanks for bringing that back up, yeah.

Have you communicated with her at all? Yeah, she texted me today. No, we're still friends, that's the thing.

She's younger and when she said that she didn't want to be with me, I loved her enough to let her go. I didn't want her to be unhappy and just stay with me. Just to do it, she's got her whole life ahead of her. You're a sweet man, look at you.

Guess what, if she comes back, she's yours? Yeah, that's true, that's what they say.

You have so much charisma, you do other things on stage, you have any other special skills or talents? I used to be a rapper. No way.

When dubstep first became popular, I was one of the promoters in Houston that was doing dubstep shows, and I also emceed over it. I had a fairly successful local career, played on a few festivals, stuff like that. You would never believe it by looking at me. We absolutely have to get at least a sample you can improvise.

If you don't do good, it's okay, because we know we're just putting you on the spot. The whole thing is improvising one, two, one, two, three, four.

That's dubstep.

Rhymes be subliminal. I used to be a criminal, but now I'm hopping on this mic. I'm golden like the mineral, so take it like it's literal, real talk, real walk. If a hater's talking shit, this body's lined in white chalk.

That was amazing.

Bro, I know this entire getup, right? I've been growing the mullet out to get on this show, and you grew the mullet out just to be on the show. This is not me, bro, I'm hood dog.

I don't know what to tell you, bro, like my hands are tattooed, man. I don't know what to fucking tell you bro. I love it, I love it.

Acetown Baby, Oh my goodness gracious. Wow, this is incredible. You do have tattooed hands.

Acetown Till I drown. Okay, we almost did in Harvey too, man. You almost drowned in the hurricane. It was bad, bro.

Oh, my goodness, a bunch of my friends lost their houses. That's not that funny.

Wow, wow, but you didn't lose your house? No, no, no, just his wife.