#662 - DANIEL VAN KIRK

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

One more time, will you?

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

You did it.

You're here. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by CookUnity, DraftKings, and GameTime. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez on the drum.

You got it.

He's back, the ghost of Brody. Yes. Daniel, welcome back.

Positive energy, yes. Arms crossed, kicked out.

Welcome back, Daniel. Thanks, buddy. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You've been on this show before, pre-pandemic, way back in the day.

Yes, back in the day.

And we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. We've had a lot of these three-person panels and a lot of chaos lately. I like it. We're getting back to our basics tonight. Who knows?

You still get to stab them?

Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry Bus Hollywood back. And that cuts them off.

All right, cool, yeah.

Sorry if I seem a little off. tonight. I'm starving. The only thing I've had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put at the center of Mardi Gras cakes. So I'm a lot easier going down there, coming out, right, fellas?

It's just tough.

It's tough to think about. God, politics are so hard this time of year, around Christmas. I, am I the only guy who sees one of these Trump hats and you start thinking, all right, I kissed my best friend, Barry Carter when I was six years old, while I was playing Truth or Dare, and it left me really sexually confused into my early 20s, even though I knew I wasn't attracted to men. You know what I mean? This border situation, it's crazy.

Casey Rocket, you're a wild, wild boy. He's done it again. Three plastic babies in his belly right now.

So cool.

I don't know if this has ever been said before, but I've never seen Carrot Top without the props.

Well, don't, don't.

We got news for you. So he's got a little something up his sleeve or in his pocket. What do we, what do we got tonight, Casey? Anything? Piss, sure dick.

I've also wondered what happened to all the background actors from Friday Night Lights. Now I know.

This is one of the young bucks. here he is. You did great. Oh, thank you. Yeah, good laughs.

Yeah, that was good. Big fun. Monday night.

A Manser's reference. I haven't heard the word Manser's in probably, what, a decade and a half or so.

Yeah, it struck me right before I came up. Manser, what a funny show. All, can boobs eat, eat blank. Can boobs float in Iraq? And you're like, why, why Iraq?

But I would stay, I would watch the commercials to find out.

Yeah.

I was always curious. What's some of the stuff that you watched when you were, how old are you, Casey? I can never tell. You have the wisdom of a 300-year-old samurai legend, but, oh.

Sorry, I'm getting a phone call. Can I take it?

Yeah, take it.

Law Offices of Tarlow and Tarlow.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, yeah, cool. Well, she deserves it, man.

Wow. I know. Wow. Pretty cool. Love that.

That's awesome. Hell yeah. She earned it.

She did.

She did earn it. Yeah, she did earn it.

Great season.

How long have you been with Tarlow and Tarlow?

Oh, Tarlow. Law Offices of Tarlow and Tarlow. I moonlight as a receptionist at Tarlow and Tarlow. Ah, I should have told you guys this. Yeah, I was supposed to be working tonight, and I said-.

I think you still are.

I kind of am in some ways.

Someone called the Law Offices of Tarlow and Tarlow, and they- just to tell them, whoever the receptionist may be, that Kaitlyn Clark got picked number one in the WNBA draft. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty big news, so that's kind of exciting.

Yeah, we don't get a lot of calls like that.

What are a lot of- What are the- Hello? Oh, oh.

Daniel Van Kirk and Associates.

Oh, shit. The draft seems to be moving along.

Yeah, they didn't say who. They just said somebody got picked second. That's all I know.

A lot of people, while they're here, you know, their phones are locked up. It's a tight run ship, and a lot of you might be wondering, what's happening with the WNBA draft? And the good news is, we're here to update you throughout the evening. This is going to be a continuous thing. Red Band has the board up.

That's a big one. It's Tarlowe or bust for me. So it's been 50, 60 hours a week, and it's hard to keep up with-. God, life's been crazy around the holidays. So it's been cool to-.

Have you met any of the Tarlers? I've never heard that last name before. Is it Tarler or Tarlowe?

Tarlowe.

Oh, God forbid.

Yeah, it's Arlo Tarlowe and Scarlo Bello. Oh, my God.

That is one of the odds of that.

Yeah, just one of those freak accidents. It could have happened to anybody. Yeah, it's Carlo, Carlo and Starlo Garland, and they're two of the most prestigious personal injury lawyers in Fort Lauderdale. So I got hooked up with them a couple months back, and it's pro bono right now. So I'm doing it for free.

Casey, I mean this with sincerity. You would be the greatest first date I've ever had.

Play your cards right, I'm a sweetie.

Oh, hey.

I'm dealing, partner. I'm dealing.

Where would you take him, Daniel? Where would you take Casey on a first date?

Obviously Cheesecake Factory. Oh, yeah. 100%. I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life.

Oh, yeah.

Where would you want to go on our first date? Where would you want to go?

Oh, that's a good question.

Come on, we're just a couple of confused former six-year-olds. Where would you want to go?

Oh, God.

You can't say Chili's.

Knott's Berry Farms, I guess.

Oh, you want to go to Knott's Berry, dude?

Yeah, that'd be fun.

What is this, the final four episodes of The Bachelor? We're flying out to Knott's?

Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah. Dracula's Castler? Nope.

I think I got scared saying Dracula, and then it transferred to the castle part, too. Dracula's Castler is another one of the best law firms out there.

What's up, everyone?

Go ahead. Finish it, Joseph.

I was going to say, so. she came up to me a couple of weeks back. She was, like, this guy, subscribed to my profile. And he paid me to make a video where I suck your dick and make you a sandwich. And he was really specific about the ingredients.

Joseph Kirkimi. Okay. Hi, Joseph. How are you?

I'm good.

This just in. Jamiroquai Jenkins picked third in the WNBA draft. Just a heads up before we get to our new friend, Joseph. That's breaking news. Jamiroquai Jenkins, I do believe one of John's cousins, picked third.

About three years.

Three years. Where at?

Mostly Tampa.

Tampa, Florida. That's where you live.

That's where I used to live. I moved here recently.

Okay. How recent did you move to Austin?

Like two weeks ago.

Nice. How do you like it?

I like it. Yeah. No, it's cool. A lot of comics, a lot of cool people.

Definitely. It's all going on out here. How do you make a living?

I'm a software engineer.

All right.

Well, right now an unemployed software engineer.

All right. I'm sure that'll work out for you. I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk, what do you think about this young buck?

I thought you did good. You sort of, you double tap the identity joke. Like you kind of, you get a laugh out of it and then you go for the profile. I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit. Like.

I agree.

And then also, if you set up another plant and you're only fans. Two things I love with my girlfriend. She makes great sandwiches and not us, only fans. And then you go later and you say what the person's requested. That's going to be the callback hit for the audience as to what you, what the joke was.

Daniel Van Kirk making Joseph Kirk Kimmy 400% funnier in 20 seconds. Absolutely incredible.

Only because I care. Only because I care.

Yeah, no, I appreciate it.

And I don't know if you're going to stab me or give me a loan.

Look at that. Loan stab.

You fucking, beautiful, Jim.

So, Joseph, what's the other half, Middle Eastern?

Uh, Assyrian. Oh, Assyrian.

Like a possum.

Yeah.

Just kind of sneak it in. I might use that now.

I mean, yeah, we're going to write a whole different, uh, a whole different set for you.

Yeah.

Like after you do the profile joke, you're like, fuck you all. I'm John Turturro's kid. Like. do that joke.

Yeah. I'm Andy Sandberg. after an airbag hits him in the face. Yeah. Say it.

I'm the guy that taught Patrick Swayze to move a penny. Go with that joke.

Thank you.

Good reference. Good reference.

Great reference.

Go watch Ghosts, you fucking heathens. Yeah. Yeah. You're that guy.

I get John Turturro a lot. Yeah. Anyone with a big nose, I get. That's basically it.

Yeah.

Gonzo.

I've got that. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. So what do you do for fun, Joseph?

Uh, I like to, well, a lot of things. Video games, take ADHD medication, play video games. That's always fun.

Okay. You're talking about Adderall?

Yeah. That one's good. Yeah. Yeah.

You stay awake and you play video games.

Good time. Yeah.

How many mills you up to? What are you rocking right now? Dude, if you're less than 40, you're a bitch.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah. I want you coasting all day, motherfucker. Make the eggs at noon and midnight, dude.

Not fun till your heart starts palpating. It's not fun till your heart starts palpating.

That's what I say about video games.

Abso-fucking-lutely. Um, is the girlfriend real?

Yeah, she's real.

And she's really on OnlyFans?

No, it's like half a truth. I did used to kind of date a girl who did OnlyFans. I didn't subscribe to her page, but I did offer to run it.

Like how you ran it or her performance?

Both? Just all of the above, I guess.

We can help her too. We're going to give her some punch up and make her OnlyFans a lot better. What did she specialize in? on the OnlyFans? This girl that you used to put your little Assyrian dipstick into.

Um, I mean, I don't know if she had like a specific fetish.

You never asked her what she does on her OnlyFans?

Well, no, I knew what she did. I ran the page for a bit.

If I may, you are a horrible manager.

You just took off her clothes. That was the fetish. I don't know. Little feet stuff. I don't know.

Oh, feet stuff. You don't know?

But it wasn't like heavy foot stuff. You know, it was light foot stuff. Whatever that is.

Talk slower.

So she took her shoes off.

She had little tiny feet?

No, not that tiny. Just regular.

They weren't like deformed, tiny, miniature feet?

No, they were pretty average feet. I don't know.

Okay, uh, RedBan, did you have.

Yeah, it's just about my nose, yeah. I'm Assyrian, so like we... Christ came along and we said we'd rather do that than... Like, we were Jews before.

Right, and then the Christians were like, we're gonna fucking kill you.

Yeah, and they're like, we can eat pork. And I'm like, I guess my ancestors were like, cool, let's do that.

Fuck yeah. Are any of your parents still strict about the religion and everything?

No, no, not really. I mean, like, they go to church every once in a while, but like the holidays and shit.

So you do stand up, you work in software, but you're unemployed. What about the wild side of Joseph Kerkimy? Give me something crazy that you do when you're not at or all out playing video games. Jesus, fucking Christ. Whoa, whoa, go ahead.

I don't know if I.

The wildest thing you've ever done in your entire fucking life, Joseph. Let me make it easier for you.

The wildest thing I ever did in my life.

Could be anything at all. Maybe you went snowboarding down a black diamond level hill or something like that. Like, it could be fucking anything.

You're from Tampa, dude. You've definitely been shot at.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's the wildest though. Being shot... Well, no one shot at me, but, you know, it's been, you know, the vicinity.

You've been brandished.

Brandished.

We're trying to help you here. Come up with something. You have your entire life to reference.

The wildest thing that I can think of right now, and I guess this is.

Perfect. That's the correct answer, whatever that is. Go right ahead.

The lights come down.

This is Joseph Kurkimi.

All that build up, this is going to be disappointing as shit. Oh, wow.

Here, still setting it up, ladies and gentlemen. Having no idea how an interview works. All right. Here we are, loading it up. Final answer.

I had a Molly-fueled foursome in Las Vegas with two Latina women. Okay, there you go.

That's not disappointing at all. You're right. How would anyone get comedy out of that? Right.

Two and a white girl, yeah.

Two and a white.

Yeah. I don't know why I included their Latina. I felt like that was added to it.

We just got word. those two Latina women and the white were the last three picks in the WNBA draft. So you're doing something right out there. Oh, there goes one right now to accept the new. There you go.

Yeah. I don't know. Molly's a hell of a drug, I guess.

I mean, things are normal.

What kind of feet these girls got?

That's it.

The Latina women had small, like small. Six feet. Yeah. It's like size five women's.

So let's talk about how you would get into something like this. Was it planned?

No.

Did you know these women beforehand?

No.

Take us through the evening. Instead of Detective Van Kirk over here doing his work for Tarler and Tarler Law Associates.

Just take us.

Give me a second. I can break them.

Let this poor Jewish, I mean, Latino man.

Barton Fink.

Yeah. I guess the evening was. we went to an EDM concert, you know, like you do when you're on, Molly. And then we ran into the. Keep going.

Welcome to show business. Joseph Kershaw. Oh, shit. I'm on stage.

What is this?

You guys aren't going to like this answer, but I once did heroin and slept with nine black men. I guess that's the wildest. Good luck. Good luck talking about that. Okay.

So we just met him at. Well, we met one of the friends at the concert and she wasn't a part of the foursome, but she introduced us to the two other women. And then we said, let's go to Strip Club. And we were there till like 6 a.m. Uh oh.

And were you doing drugs there?

A little bit. Yeah.

What were you on there?

Just a little.

With the nose like that, I don't think you did a little of anything.

With the nose like that, I think you did it all.

So yeah. And like just nose things and then.

All right, Joseph, I'm going to let you off easy. Good job, buddy. You did it. You are the first bucket full tonight. There he goes.

All right, here's Maddie.

Make some noise for Maddie G, everyone. Here we go.

What's up, guys? We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelled you. Yeah,

Wow. Look at the slow wave off after rugged racism. Incredible. Maddie G, opening up with an immigrants joke. What ethnicity are you?

I'm American, but Mexican.

Yeah, you're Mexican. Yeah. Don't you think it's kind of weird? A Mexican guy coming out going, I thought I smelled you. Because that's like your people.

I can say that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I can say it, too.

I look like, you know, where I was on January 6th.

Cheesecake factory. The speaker's podium.

Let him speak. Let him speak.

Maddie, you were just on this show recently, right?

Yes, sir.

I remember because I found out that you sold guns during that interview portion. And so here we are again. Here you are. And you talked about immigrants, selling guns, black people. Asian people.

Yeah.

Yeah. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I've only been doing it. It's like my 12th mic.

Your 12th mic. So you've been doing it other places. Two of those 12 spots are here.

Yes, sir.

Right. Okay. Why are you, why is your work ethic so terrible?

Yeah, he can say it.

I said it. I'm going to be in big trouble.

I'm trying to support my family.

Do you have a family? By doing mics?

Because you are horrible at supporting your family. Not on content, just on getting up.

How big of a family do you have?

Just me.

There you go. A lot to support there. A lot to support. Maddie, what did we find out? What did we not find out about you after your last interview?

Yeah.

Okay.

I sleep in a hammock right now.

Oh, wow. That's fucking nuts.

Yeah.

I actually once accidentally did that before. I had a low budget and I bought a hammock. when I first moved to California. I was stoned out of my mind. And I'm like, I have a thousand dollars to spend on a bed.

Probably like a year and a half.

A year and a half in the hammock.

It's nice. You know, I got the sleeping bag. It's not as cold at night anymore. So yeah.

You have a sleeping bag that you get into inside of the hammock?

Yeah.

Wow. There's just layers of stupidity happening here. These are the people that get a good night's sleep before selling guns to whoever asks for one.

So if you wake up in a hammock inside a sleeping bag and realize there's a fire where you live, you're just letting it go, right?

It's going to get me eventually.

I mean, no, it's going to get you right away. You're not getting out.

Yeah. You're stuck in a net.

Yeah.

Well, can I ask? Sorry if we covered this. No, go ahead. Indoors though?

Yeah. Okay. Upstairs. Yeah. Wait, what?

Here?

No, not here.

No.

What are you the most generally speaking person in the world?

Well, indoors, upstairs.

It's an upstairs hammock.

Yeah. Upstairs.

Not the brag you think it is. All right. This is going to be...

No, I know. I just want clarity.

Penthouse.

Wow. Okay.

So you're upstairs. Yeah.

It's an above ground hammock.

Yeah. I'm upstairs.

Hammock is mounted to the wall.

No, I got a hammock stand.

Wow. That's... Yeah.

That actually is a pretty cool brag.

Yeah. Again, I've been there. It's not. I was 18 years old. I bought a fucking hammock with a hammock stand.

A lot. Yeah.

This is incredible to meet someone else that's fucking made this mistake, but you just stuck with it.

Yeah. So I'm trying to buy a house.

So I was like, oh, I can save money. Well, first comes the hammock. Then comes the full grown house. Two level house you're looking to buy perhaps?

Three if I'm lucky.

Wow. Three stories. Why won't you start with a bed first?

Because I didn't want to move it in and then have to move it out.

Right.

It's really easy to pack it up and go.

So you're going to have house shopping, but not movers money.

No.

I think you might be putting the cart in front of the horse here, my friend. You might want to get a good night's sleep before making such big decisions.

I've never needed movers. I have a lot of cousins. So they just come over and then we buy a bed.

It's a problem.

You know, I never thought of that, actually.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. We got Daniel Van Kirk here, fixing people's sets and their lives one step at a time. Let me ask you this, Matty G.

Now, look, if I get in first, you're going to have to come in straddling.

You can't get on, then straddle.

Before we go into my bedroom, I got to ask you, you want to be on top or bottom?

Hey, I've had a great time with you tonight. What do you say? you and I go upstairs?

You fucking wild card. You ever do it? You ever go fucking slamming on the hammock? Slingshot. You ever take a Betty to the netty?

Yeah, so you got to like. do it, like, there's a special way you got to do it.

Let's do it. Froggy style.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Let's take this one step at a time, Matty G. You're entering the hammock from an impossible region. No, no, no, no. You just, you, just tried to fucking video game us into believing.

What are you, dude? You can't go through.

I got, I'm all roped up with the stand, bro. Yeah, the stand is there. Oh, he's pointing to his brain, everybody. Look out. Shit's about to get really interesting.

You think that you're laying the, like, length of the hammock. You lay sideways.

Sex swing.

So you use it like a big old fashioned sex swing. Yep.

Well, then get over here.

Are we allowed to have full release on this show?

I don't know what happened. Make him come, Matty. Make him come.

It's like that.

Oh, you have him sideways on the hammock.

Yeah, he's pretending he's the weirdest guy at the playground.

It's like a sex swing. almost. Yeah, sex swing. It's like a sex swing.

So you have to stand. You can never be laying down while having sex in your hammock.

Yeah, that's the downside of it.

That's the downside. Anyway, you know what, though?

You got a sleeping bag. He's warmer. That's all it.

That's true. Uh, so, um, have women spent the night on your hammock?

No, they usually leave like pretty soon.

Immediately. Like, well, no doubt about it. I gotta go. There's a zero percent chance of staying the night on a fucking hammock. It's kind of a good idea.

Yeah, no shit. If this guy's got a fucking hammock, you think he's cleaned a bathroom mirror in his life?

That's such a good point. Is there a lot of stuff on your bathroom counter?

I actually don't have a bathroom mirror.

Tell us more.

Well, we just renovated it. And so I was like, ah, I don't need a mirror. So I just use my phone to shave and stuff like that.

Fucking, incredible. So, uh, is there a shower?

Yeah, there's a shower. There's a sink.

Yep. There's a toilet. Yes, sir. This is all on level two?

Yep, level two.

Unbelievable. What a life of luxury you're living. Beers are expensive.

I think that's why I'm getting the house. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You don't get to get a damn old mirror. What's the point of getting a mirror? for? You got to move it.

What's the point of getting a mirror for?

You got to move that son of a bitch.

You're gonna be running around town with a goddamn mirror?

Fuck that, dude.

New place, new mirror, motherfucker.

Matty, an incredible, uh, an incredibly educational performance. And another very, very interesting. It's always amazing to see how people are living out here. There he goes, everybody. Matty G.

Goddamn it.

Your next comedian, uh, this looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Isaac Cain Brown, everybody. Isaac Cain Brown.

That's all I got.

Fuck yeah. Isaac Kane Brown, welcome to the show. Isaac, how are you?

I'm doing good. How about you?

I'm great. Thanks for asking. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Isaac? Barely two years. Barely two years.

You look like an opposite version of the show Entourage.

Like a guy that spends all his time by himself. Maybe a second floor hammock at best.

Year now.

Where'd you move from?

Illinois.

And what do you do for work?

Nothing.

How do you survive?

Technically, I have a sugar mama.

Really? How long have you been with her?

Three months now.

And what does she do?

I think she's in like tech or something. I don't know.

You never asked her. The woman that supports you and that you fuck.

Yeah.

You never asked her what she does for work?

Well, she's married.

Oh, this is all very interesting. This interview just took a turn for the good.

No. Well, no kids.

Okay, perfect. And where did you meet this young buck?

Ooh, Bumble.

Bumble. And you went on a date, or did you go straight to your place?

Oh, I think somebody hit pause.

Yeah.

He wasn't there.

Well, where's the husband? I don't know. You checked behind the curtains? I bet he was watching. I don't ask questions.

I don't ask questions.

Were there like pictures of her and him in the place or anything like that? Oh, yeah.

It was pretty bad. Like the whole hallway was lined with them.

With pictures of them together?

Yeah, their family all together, the wedding photos, everything. The vacation to Jamaica.

Okay. And she took you straight to her bedroom? Yeah. Where he sleeps at night?

Yes.

And you made love to her?

Yes.

And what is the first thing that you did? exactly when you did that? Well, like after I come or before I come? Before you come. As soon as you walk into the bedroom, what do you do?

Well, first I looked at the pictures and went, that's weird. And I was like, that's probably just like a fun collage or something. Right. And then I fucked and I came and I was like, well, this is probably pretty bad. And I shouldn't be doing this.

And then she's like, you want some money? Well, I just, she just kind of sends the money over cash.

What's your rate? What are you getting?

Great, great, great question. I appreciate that. That was funny.

I'm genuinely curious.

Wait, wait. Do you mean, like overall, how much money I've gotten or how much money I get each time?