#2011 - Tony Woods
2023-07-20 02:43:42
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
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Tony Woods, what's happening, baby?
What's happening with you, Joe?
Good to see you, my friend.
Man, I'm glad you had me back.
I'm glad you came back. Good seeing you last night.
Because I was like, because somebody said, hey, Joe got a new club. Thank you. And just, I just sent you a text like, hey man, let me do your club. You hit me back, okay. I'm like, alright, what's up?
Yeah, I'm excited. This weekend. Yes. That's going to be fun.
It is, man.
You're going to love it.
Yeah, well, you got, you done. put the village right down here in Texas, man. Yeah. Like, like back in the day when they had comedy club here, go to Boston comedy club, go to Selleck, go to da da da da, all that, that's how it is. Bouncing around.
So,
but you got. Yeah, we got five clubs on one street. Bang.
But you got the. Yeah. You got the Madison Square Garden.
You got the mothership.
Yeah, you got the mothership. I said, I said to somebody, I said, I'm going to Austin to do the mothership. He says, wow, that's going to be a long flight. You flying through Boston to go to Africa? I'm like, no.
What? Yeah.
I said, Africa is the mother country. The mothership. And then I broke it down. The mothership, you know, like George Clinton, the mother, you know. Yeah.
Parliament and all that. He was like, I've never heard that.
Well, it's new.
Yeah. It's dope, dope, man. Thank you.
Yeah, we've been open four months. now. It's been wild.
Yeah. And I, it's just like, I see. it's a line. all the time. Other comedians send me pictures of people lined up like they're going to see Star Wars the first time.
It's hard to get tickets. People get amped up about it. It's really nice.
Yeah.
I like it. The green room is dope too.
Yeah, we set it up. I mean, we basically set up everything to make it perfect for standup. Yeah. You know, just perfect for the comics, perfect for the staff.
I've been in clubs and they go, yeah, we put our heart and soul into this. I'm like, you guys do comedy? No, we don't do comedy, but this is our new club. I'm like, this is clubs. You don't want to say it.
You don't know what you're doing. Yeah. I went to this one club and they had, this is the stage, the ceiling is like that, so it sounds like you're in a gymnasium. It's like that. And the bar is right there.
And just...
People ordering drinks while the show's going on.
People ordering drinks and then they got like a tier up here. It's more like a dance club. It looks like, yeah, like bandstand, American bandstand or something, you know. It'd be dope as a club.
Well, there's not a lot of clubs that are designed by comedians. Yeah. Where the comic comes in and says, you know, we need to fix this, we need to do that. We had Louie come in too. That helped a lot.
Louie gave me some real good advice, real good tips. I listened to everything he said. I said, let's do this. Okay. I'll do that.
He's like, make the stage in the small room smaller. Okay. How much smaller? Four feet on each side. Chopped it up.
It was like right before we poured the concrete too. So they had to change the rebar and all that jazz. But it's perfect.
When you, like, from the stage, I give advice on, like I might, you know, poke fun at the club. And, like the owners always say, you know how much money I put into this club? I'm like, yeah. You don't do, stand up, man. You don't know what you're doing.
You don't know what you're doing. And when I said it, people laughed. But then sometimes you rip on a club because it's comfortable. And you rip on it. And then they'll go and fix it.
Like, dude, what you doing? Don't clean it up, man. What are you doing?
Like the punchline Atlanta.
Yeah. Did you ever do that? I did that one, yeah. Yeah. They cleaned it up.
They moved. But it was like one of those clubs, like the Ice House in Pasadena. They fixed that up, too. Apparently it's real nice. But you would go to those places and it's just like they had a feel.
They had that, those, like the wall in Zanies where you see those head shots from 1983..
Like. there's a club in Baltimore. It's a comedy factory. My first five minutes was on how dusty the velvet curtain was. But that was dope.
You come in. It's like. I like that. And then they cleaned it up. New thing.
New, this. I'm like.
I think I'm tired of the jokes.
Comedy is dirty, son.
Yeah. Some comedy is dirty. Yeah. It's good.
It's a painful thing. I tell people. I say the periodic chart. The symbol for comedy, is a banana peel. That means somebody got to get hurt, man.
The crowd might laugh. But somebody's going to go, fuck you.
How many people have gotten fucked up over banana peels, to the point where banana peels became a thing? Like you just know. If you leave a banana peel on the ground, people are getting fucked up. It's like literally the only item where, if it's on the. You could describe it.
And there was a banana peel on the ground.
Like, oh, that's it.
Someone's getting fucked up by a banana peel. A hundred percent of the time.
And then next thing, you know, the ambulance guy is telling you, you got STD. Well, that's what it sounded like when I hurt my back that time. He said, you got sciatica. I knew she was dirty. But sciatica sounds like something else.
I just threw that in there.
I see what you just did.
Yeah. Worked a little condom. I can't hit myself at all.
You don't like it?
No. Like, yeah. Is it too much?
We don't have to wear these. We can take them off. Yeah. If you feel more comfortable, take them off.
I'm good. I'm going to do it like that, man. I'm going to do it like that, man. Because I'm always the first one to feel something. Like right now, and you guys don't have it here, but we got smoke and stuff.
How bad is it? It's real bad, man. It's like this bad.
Why is it orange? Has anybody tried to figure that out? Because you know all the conspiracy theories.
I know a guy.
Do you know the conspiracy theories? Because apparently there was a bunch of chemicals that went missing.
I know a guy. I know a guy. I know a guy who used to be the NBC doc. You know what NBC is? So at Camp Lejeune, the Marines have to go through a gas chamber.
Right. Right?
I'm a corpsman. So you can only do it once a quarter. But the good thing is you get a three-day weekend.
So I would volunteer to do it. So I did it a couple too many times. Not a lot, but I would. Okay. Maybe once a month.
But, you know what I'm saying? And those three-day weekends are good. And I didn't care. Because after a while you kind of get used to it. But when I smell that smoke, I'm like, I know what trees and leaves smell like, man, when they're burning.
That's not hot. It doesn't smell like that.
What does it smell like?
Chemicals.
NBC. It's called nuclear biological chemical warfare. And Marines, everybody in the military, you have to go through. You go in and you put your mask on. You have to, you say, I'm Joe Rogan.
Because you have to be able, like when the gas comes, you don't already have your mask on. You got to think fast, put it on. And so as a corpsman, but you already got your mask on as a corpsman, but it's still getting in there. So for health reasons, you should do it once a quarter.
You were doing it once a month.
Once every other month, something like that.
Just for the three-day weekends.
Just for the three-day weekend, man. Wow. You don't understand. I volunteered because I had allergies. real bad.
I volunteered to go up to Norfolk for these, they would be up there for like a week, and they give you shots, do this, do that, do this. Yeah. And I was talking to this guy one time who was in my unit. I said, yeah, man, I went from 5'10", 6'1", in like a year. He says, yeah, would you let them shoot you up with all that shit?
I did.
Oh, they're giving them. I got five days off. He's a grown man. He's a grown man.
They were just trying shit out on him.
I got five days off.
I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff. Yeah. Like, I don't know what they give people, but haven't you ever heard? There's always been stories about people giving people like crazy experimental drugs.
Well, in the military, you just got your gear in your hand. You just walk through, and there's a corpsman on both sides. We just pop you.
Well, if I had a bunch of soldiers, especially like special operators, like Navy SEALs, I would want them to be juiced up.
Yeah.
I would want that.
Everybody's juiced up.
I want them to be on amphetamines. I would want them to be on steroids.
I didn't really know what we was on. We were just taking shots today.
Hey, does my voice sound fucked up? Does it sound like I'm lisping a little bit? It does, right?
I have an Invisalign in. I'm getting my teeth straightened out.
Let me see. I can't really see.
But this is the first day I've had it on. Now that you said it, I can tell. So my question is, do I try to work through this? Because they say that eventually your tongue figures out how to talk. I don't think you sound that different.
Well, I'm getting better at it. But when I first started talking, because, see, you can hear it right there. First, you can't hear it. It's like your tongue has to, even though it's the tiniest little amount of plastic, your tongue has to figure out where that is. And then it has to kind of pull back a little bit.
It's going to change your accent.
I'm not going to wear it on stage. That would be fucked. Impossible.
Because there will be certain things that you say, and there's a certain way. you say them. And everybody's going to go, I'm going to say them like that.
So my lower teeth have always been crooked, and shit gets stuck in them. It's really hard to floss them. The dentist was like, listen, you don't have to wear braces. You can just do this thing, and it takes a long time. It takes over a year.
I don't think you sound that different. I do a little. If you're a person who's easily annoyed, I apologize. I'm going to figure this out.
You're good.
I'm going to figure this out. I'm telling you, I got fucked up by ants. So here's the fire. Oh, okay, there's the fire. This is the map of the last day or so.
Now, the conspiracy theory is that there's a shit ton of toxic waste, toxic chemicals, rather, that went missing. Remember those?
Yes, sort of, yeah.
And the conspiracy theory is they burn them, and that's why the smoke is orange.
Where'd they burn them?
Up in Canada.
But it's definitely not trees burning. It's not trees burning.
Well, the thing is—.
And how's it going and coming?
The winds. But the thing is, if you have a fire that's that big, for sure there's some stuff around the fire other than just trees. For sure they're burning down buildings. There's not a lot in Canada up there. Is that true?
I believe— I mean, I remember hearing that, like, most of the population, lives near the border. I'd say it's somewhere— That makes sense.
Where's Winnipeg at?
It's supposed to be dead in the center somewhere.
Bro, those fucking Alberta people, those people that can live up in that cold weather, those are different people.
They like it.
They laugh at Detroit. They're like, this isn't cold. You think Michigan is cold? Come on up to Alberta.
And everybody's just walking around with a Levi's jacket.
Yeah. But they make— You get used to it. Wear the right clothes. You make the most of it. It was very weird, that video, where they all started at the same time.
What's that? Where all the fires started at the exact same time, it looked like. A little weird.
Pretty weird.
Yeah. I heard the explanation to. that was, like, lightning storms, which does happen.
What about the balloon that got shot down?
That sounds weirder to me. as an explanation. What are they saying? started this fire?
They're not.
They're not saying it at all?
I haven't heard anybody say what started it. They just say it's a fire in Canada. Wear a mask.
Dry, hot weather breeds more lightning. Half the wildfires are started by lightning, but those fires account for more than 85%.
of the wildfire destruction. The other half are human-caused. Hmm. So how many animals are dead?
Oh, they're pretty good at getting the fuck away. If it's just woods, I bet you'd be surprised at how few die. Yeah. They're really good at getting away. This article right here just said that in April it only displaced 30,000 people.
So it's like, there's not a lot of people up there. Okay. But it's fucking huge, right? It's been going on for how many months now? This is as of Friday.
I mean, this was... 427 active wildfires? I mean, the physics was. today. 232 of them are out of control.
232 fires in Canada are out of control. They're trying to burn down Canada.
They just burn until they run into water?
Yeah. Well, I think when things get this big, there's not much they can do. I mean, they can do their best to try to contain it.
Shutting down production of oil and gas.
I mean, it's... You haven't been back east? You haven't seen it?
I heard it's horrible.
It's really bad.
Yeah.
It's really bad.
It's going to last for a long time, too. This fire... This fire, is fucking huge.
I see.
It's like multiple Los Angeleses on fire.
And that's how it looks. sometimes. It looks like LA. It's like that.
Brother, worst ever experience was Mexico City. We flew into Mexico City. I took photos out my window. I was like, this is crazy. The amount of smoke those people live in on a regular basis.
The amount of pollution there, is horrible. It says, I've never seen a vertical wall of smoke like this one near Fox Creek, Alberta, on Sunday. And the strangest thing about this moment was I couldn't smell any smoke.
What?
Well, I guess the wind hadn't got to me. If the wind's not going in that direction,
you wouldn't smell it. Well, he could smell smoke. It's just he couldn't smell trees burning. Because I don't smell trees burning.
Is that what he's saying, though? Because also, you...
Look at the smoke. Look at how it looks.
But that for sure is smoke, too. Those trees are burning.
Yeah.
What is that?
They look pretty good.
Imagine if it really is how they got rid of those chemicals. Yeah. They decided to light the forest on fire. That would be the dumbest way to get rid of those chemicals. I don't even know, like...
And in what way? Like, they sprayed them and then someone started a fire? Why would you do that? Like, what would be... I can understand why someone would think it's a conspiracy, right?
The chemicals go missing and then, you know, there's this fire and the smoke looks orange. I get how people would put those two together. But my question would be, like, why would anybody do that? Why would anybody light all those chemicals on fire in the woods? I'm curious what New York City would look like.
Imagine, like, that's how they start...
Somebody else might have done it.
Right. Maybe. Look at that. That's bonkers. But imagine that is how you choose to get rid of chemicals.
Like, it's not... You know what I mean? Yeah, that's why I like it. It doesn't make any sense. It would have fucked up everybody.
Fucked up everybody. And you're lighting... You have to be the craziest psychopath of all time. You're lighting the woods on fire to get rid of some chemicals.
I'm thinking, maybe it wasn't their woods that they set on fire.
Somebody else's woods.
Someone else from somewhere else.
Someone set someone... Yeah, maybe.
We'll get those motherfuckers.
Right, but why the chemicals? That's the question. Like, if it is the chemicals, what kind of conspiracy is that? Go to 4chan.
Wasn't it near where the balloon was? Remember the balloon?
The balloon was, like...
It was right in that area.
Where was the balloon flying over? There was a few places. It started in the northwest and started making it across the country, I think. They said they had a bunch of those while Trump was in office, and they didn't tell him about it. Because they were worried he was going to shoot them down.
Well, they also showed that laser. That footage of that laser shooting down on, like, the Hawaiian coastline. Yeah, what was that? That makes me think of the fires. It's like, whatever that is.
Oh, God. Imagine if they could just light the fucking woods on fire to make us comply. Yeah, I don't know. Stay in your homes. That makes less sense, too.
Download this app. Why? The woods are on fire. You must now download this app. Put in your fingerprints.
We've got to make sure that we track all your matches purchases. That's the next thing they're going to do. It's kind of crazy. you could just buy a lighter. Like, anybody could go buy a lighter and start lighting shit on fire.
You just can't take it through TSA.
You can't take a lighter through TSA? No. Really?
Really.
Is that new? No. Matches, though, right?
Yeah, matches. I mean, but if it's sitting in your carry-on, they take lighters. You ever see that little bucket of those lighters? Yeah. You can take disposables.
Yeah. Disposable and Zippo lighters without fuel. Oh, without fuel. Oh, you have to take.
They took my really nice Zippo.
But disposables. are this. This is a disposable.
Lighters with fuel are prohibited in check bags.
Okay, disposable and Zippo. So, the Zippos without fuel are allowed in check bags.
How do you know they don't have fuel?
And disposables are allowed in check bags. So, that's check bags, though.
The one they took for me was a gift. Right. I didn't even put the stuff in it, yet. It was like in a gift box, you know, with the little. Oh, really?
Yeah. They took that?
They took that. Oh, that's dirty.
I don't think they're supposed to take it if it doesn't have any fuel in it.
And it was brand new.
Yeah, I don't think they're allowed to take that. I think they fucking robbed you.
Yeah. Yeah, they're like, look what I got. I came up.
Final decision rests with the TSA officer on whether the item is allowed through the checkpoint.
Exactly.
Yeah, some of them are cool and some of them are not. I remember when they made pool cues illegal. You couldn't take a pool cue on board, but you could take a skateboard. I'm like, dude, I could fuck you up with a skateboard. Way better than I could fuck you up with a pool cue.
You know? In pool cues, you get a little more speed to it.
What about an umbrella? Can you take an umbrella?
You could take an umbrella. You could take a fucking cane.
Yeah. Both of them.
Cane? Like, you could fuck somebody up with a cane. And there's a lot of canes that have swords in them now.
Yeah, my mom got that one.
That one's crazy.
Yeah.
Some dude with a limp and a cane.
No, somebody gave it to her, but they didn't know.
She didn't know?
No. Just happened to twist it. I'm like, whoa. Yes. Oh, no.
She's got it at the house right now.
That's nice. You see your mom on the porch sharpening.
Zing. Zing. Zing. You don't know. You fucking wait.
Yeah, carrying a sword. That's some next-level shit. An undercover sword in a cane.
What's the name of the place? The place you used to go, get, like, ears pierced, and they were in the mall.
Oh, right, right, right. Spencer Gifts?
Spencer's, yeah. Yeah, somebody gave her a cane from Spencer's.
Wow. Spencer Gifts' cane had a sword in it? They're selling weapons?
Well, this was...
Back in the 80s? You could do shit like that?
Back in the 80s. She didn't need a cane in the 80s.
It had to be the 2000s.
I remember, you used to be able to go to Chinatown and buy throwing stars.
The little...
Yeah, remember those?
Yeah.
We still have throwing stars. We'd go out to the woods and fuck trees up.
There's a comedian who used to have those stars. Really? His name was Willie Robocop. He's a comedian from D.C. who lives in London.
And did he do something with them on stage? Mm-mm. No, offstage you had the stars.
Him and another comedian got into it one time, and he had those things out. Oh, Jesus. They didn't throw it, though.
That's a scary proposition, though. A dude who's really good at throwing stars.
Yeah.
I mean, like, they rolled out, like, a little belt or something.
Jesus.
Yeah, I'm all around your waist. Big shout-out, Willie.
He's got them all around his waist.
I think he's a martial arts guy. He's seen him before. He makes noises and stuff like...
Okay, yeah. I haven't seen that guy in forever.
He lives in London. Willie Robocop made the, I am Robocop.
Yeah. Is he still doing stand-up in London?
Yeah. Interesting. He's all over the U.K. You ever do over there in the U.K.?
Yeah, I just did the O2.. I did the arena up there.
It was fun.
It was fun.
I did the old pub when I was... Yeah? Yeah.
I've seen more of England than most English people. Just on the train, going here and there, little small towns. Yeah? I've had a good time, though, man. That was...
I guess that was in, like, the 2000s.
Did you do comedy in those small towns? Yeah. How was that?
Because they had these things. They had jonglers back then.
Jonglers?
Jonglers. There was a chain of them, and then they had the comedy store. There's a chain of those, and then they have this Slug & Lettuce. We have Slug & Lettuce here. It's like a little...like a restaurant.
Okay. And so, boom. At that time, they were having comedy six nights a week all over the country, just at some pub, somewhere, somehow.
Wow.
Just hop around? Yeah. Me, Will, Sylvance, all those guys. Wow. Mody.
Who else? You know a lot of those guys. Patrice. Everybody.
The U.K. tours.
The U.K. tours. It sounds good, but it was the same as doing North Carolina and Georgia, the Holiday Inn. We're just running around from spot to spot. Everybody just talked different.
How did they receive the comedy?
They loved it. Yeah? Because the first time they saw us was me, Red Johnny, and the round guy.
I remember those guys.
Yeah. Dave, and what's his name? Ian. Edwards? Ian Edwards, Rene Hicks, and Suya McCullough.
We all went up to Edinburgh to do the Edinburgh Festival. That was dope. You do that before? No, never did that. Yeah, it's wild.
It's like 30 days of just... Really? Every kind of show you can imagine.
But it's fun. Ari loves it.
Yeah.
Ari goes like every year.
Who else? What's the other guy?
Kurt Metzger. Yeah. He goes...
Yeah, he's perfect for that, too.
Yeah. Because it's August, but it's rainy. It's cold. You're like, I'm ready to get the out of here. As a matter of fact, me and Greer had a show across from the president when we were there.
This is, back in the day. The president of Ukraine.
Zelensky? Yeah. He had a show up there.
Me and Greer's show was here. His show was here.
That was when he was a comedian.
Yeah. And the show upstairs was the puppetry of the penis.
Oh, that's right. And they would play piano with their dicks.
Yeah. They do that. And then, after that, all the women come down.
Isn't that wild if that guy's the president of Ukraine and they're at war with Russia?
Yeah.
That guy. You did a show with him.
Yeah. Well, I didn't do a show with him.
I mean, he was right over there.
Yeah, we all hung out together.
How crazy is that? It is. You were hanging out with the president of Ukraine.
The future president of Ukraine. Yeah. Imagine all the people who said, man, you should smoke Newports with that dude. Now he's the president. We're talking about Obama.
Man, that dude should be smoking Newports behind us.
The president of Ukraine is a fucking comedian.
Wild.
And, yeah, never mind.
I was thinking about the spaceship up there. I remember one of the presidents that we had here, and he was doing like a tour of the air force base. And the guy says, this is a stealth fighter. He goes, yeah, it's invisible, like Wonder Woman's plane.
You don't remember. he said that? No. He said that.
Well, he's incorrect.
Yeah. Well.
He says they call it a stealth fighter because it gets invisible like Wonder Woman's plane.
Yeah. You just can't see it on radar, but you can look at it. It's right there.
I wasn't the president.
The Wonder Woman plane would go transparent so you could see the clouds. Yeah. That's next level, shit. Yeah. They're going to do that, for sure, because they already have clothes that can do that.
They have like a cloak that you can wear, and the cloak will like transmit an image of what's behind you. Ever seen that?
Yeah. So like a silkscreen.
Yeah. Like a LCD or LED screen. It's really interesting. They figured out how to do some weird stuff that makes it look like someone's invisible and things are invisible. And it seems like a matter of time before they can apply that at a higher level.
Like, look at that. That lady's like standing.
They used to do that.
Right in front of something.
Did you ever do, Bruce Harris Club? before it was the Stardome? No. Before it was the Stardome, he had a, he had a, he had a, whatever the screen is.
Can you keep that up? What is that object she's using to do that?
Is that a thing she's holding in front of her? Yeah. It seems like she's holding a screen. Yeah. And it looks like she has.
Little crystals on it.
And she's got camo pants on. So that's a little misleading. So she's got camo pants on standing in front of that tree. And then the, the thing is showing the image of the tree behind her. Wow.
Yeah. They could apply that to a plane, for sure. And then, you know, with the stealth technology. The Predator did that.
Remember the Predator.
Exactly.
That's what he did.
That's exactly the thing. The thing on his wrist. The language. The alien language. Boy, if that's what the aliens are like, we're fucked.
Yeah. But he was just on a hunting trip.
Yeah.
He was no different than you. He was just going to kill some animals.
Yeah. But he's just taking their heads. He's just rude. I eat him. He doesn't even eat them.
Kills all those nice people. Doesn't even eat them.
What's the word? What do you think about, like big game hunters? Like the people who go to Africa.
Africa's a very complicated situation.
Yeah.
Because Africa has more wild game right now than any time over the last few decades. And the reason why they have that is because they made it very valuable. So these people set up these large wild game camps. And the people from all over the world come there. And they pay a lot of money.
And they hunt. And they can hunt anything. Wildebeest.
Giraffes. They can take it with them, right.
They can't bring it back with them. And they can eat the meat while they're there. And they'll donate the meat to the villages, which they very much appreciate. My friends who have been over there said it is actually a very nice feeling.
But what about like lions? They don't do that. Nope.
They don't eat the lions. No. Lions, is just... It's just like to say you hunted a lion. The thrill of hunting a lion.
You know. And then there's the conservation aspect of it. They do have to kill a certain amount of lions. They have a population control that they do. So like when they...
They shut down lion hunting. And then they had a surplus of lions. And then lions were killing too much antelope and undulates. So then they had to send in hunters like professional killers to kill the lions.
Do you remember this movie that Kurt Douglas was in?
Yeah. The Ghost in the Darkness.
So come to find out. That's a true story. Yes. And they did the thing on the lions. And one of the lions, he, had an injury.
He had hurt his jaw. His tooth or something. Like a real bad...
Like a bullet hole?
No. Like biting something big. He broke a tooth. And so that's why he was hunting humans. Because...
It's easier. Yeah. It's easier. It's like eating cotton candy. As opposed to that.
Like eating a rhino.
The other one was fine. But I guess that was like... Alright, man. You're on this special diet. I'm on it with you, son.
You know what I'm saying? Let's go get these motherfuckers.
Well, once you eat us, it's probably so easy. Yeah. If we don't, taste absolutely terrible...
Yeah.
The lion pair was said to have killed 135 people. Holy shit. 1898..
And tell them why his... Because one of them had... Yeah, right there. His little lion breath probably stunk like shit.
It said, the Sabo man-eaters are the most widely studied man-eating pantherine cats, given their behavior of hunting humans as a pair, as well as dental injuries reported in one of the lions, a cause commonly attributed to big cats turning to humans as prey.
And these dudes was weird, too, because they didn't have manes. They were both males.
Oh, like that? Is that what they looked like? Yeah.
Wow.
How come they didn't have manes?
Yeah, so they were equivalent of a guy with a big butt. Duh! You know what I'm saying?
But why didn't they have manes?
I don't know.
That's so strange.
Yeah, these two dudes was supposed to be...
Does it say anything about why they didn't have manes? That's so fascinating.
Yeah, no manes and his breath.
I thought all the males had manes.
And these two dudes, so they were already outcast, no manes, bad breath.
Yeah, they got nothing.
They have to eat people. Go down to the railroad track and eat some dudes.
Imagine, you know, you're spending your whole life trying to kill a zebra. They're fast as fuck. You got to sneak up on them. You got to get them. And then you find these people.
Oh, Jesus! Yeah. They can't even run. They're all stumbling over their own feet. They're wearing shoes.
You just take them out. And like, oh my God, this is so much easier. We can get fat.
Yeah, and no work. They don't have to run. No work. It's just like...
They can't even see at night.
Yes.
These morons.
And they were all railroad workers or something like that. Yeah.
You just wait until someone has to piss.
Yeah.
Savo males look different as well. The most vigorous Serengeti males sport large manes, while the Savo, they have short, thin manes, or none at all. It's all about water, Patterson says. Savo is hotter and drier than the Serengeti, and a male with a heavy mane would squander his daily water allowance by simply panting under a bush, with none to spare for patrolling his territory, hunting, or finding mates. Oh, wow.
That's one of those rock and ball heads.
That's wild. I did not know that. So are there lions like that right now that are there? See, if you can find male lions out there with no manes. Wow.
That's interesting. I didn't know that existed.
Well, have you guys been watching Chimp Empire? Yes.
I had the guy in it who directed it.
How many years did that take?
Oh, look at them. Oh, well, here's the deal. They had set up... Scientists had set up research there 30 years ago. So they had been continually studying these chimps, and they had very specific rules of engagement.
You can't ever eat in front of them. You can't be closer than 20 feet. Or was it 20 yards? 20 yards. You can't be closer than 20 yards.
They were right there with them. So they're right there with these chimps, man. And so they're filming everything, and the chimps get accustomed to the people being there, because the people never interact with the chimps. And if the chimps walk towards the people, the people just back away. And again, you can never eat in front of them.
Ever. Because they'll just steal your food and fuck you up.
What blew me away was when they ate monkeys. Oh, yeah.
I was like, dude, that's... They ate a lot of monkeys.
Yeah, David Attenborough, I think, was the first guy to capture that on film on the BBC. And I remember watching that. You see this little monkey, and he's still alive. And the chimp is eating him from the asshole first.
And I always thought that they were vegetarians. I thought they were like gorillas. Gorillas don't eat meat.
No, they don't eat meat.
I thought it was just a... No, they're baboons. I thought they were the only one who ate.
Yeah, I didn't know either until I watched that documentary. But they eat a lot of monkeys. And this is one of the things he was kind of reluctant to talk about, the director. I'm like, how often do they eat monkeys?
He's like... All the time.
Every time they can. Every time they can. It's like... With us, it's like fast food. There you go.
It's just...
I was thinking they ate them because they had tails. So they don't consider them apes.
I don't think they have morals. I think it's just survival of the fittest.
You want to eat somebody from the ass backwards.
And the way the monkey was screaming. The chimp was just...
They're so close to us. So when we see them getting eaten, even though we're getting eaten by something that's even closer to us, it still is like, what? But people eat monkeys. That's a lot of the tribe's people.
A pigeon eating chicken.
Right. Or chickens eating birds. They eat birds.
I guess birds of prey eat other birds too. Oh yeah.
All the time. There's crazy videos of seagulls. Seagulls are... They're just swallowing whole pigeons. You ever seen them do that?
They swallow ducks.
Just...
Pelicans? Pelicans swallow ducks.
I know pelicans are that big.
Pelicans swallow seagulls.
Pelicans are big as shit.
When they swallow shit, it's crazy. Because the thing realizes that it got caught. You see it moving around inside of its mouth. And it can't do shit about it. See, if you can find, like...
Pelican eats pigeon.
What about on that Chimp Empire? When they got the leader. They got him. And all his boys ran.
Look at this.
Jesus Christ. Look at him throwing that thing back.
He's still scratching.
What's still in there?
He's in Central Park somewhere?
I don't know where that is.
It looks like it. It looks like people just walking by.
Look at that. Look at him forcing it down. That's crazy. Get in there, bitch. That bird's moving around inside of its neck.
Have you ever seen a seagull? eat a rat?
Have you ever seen a seagull eat a rat? That's more impressive. Seagulls eating rats are wild. They just throw them all back. Seagull eats a rabbit?
Rat? Pigeon? Squirrel? Let's go with rat. It's the most disturbing.
My voice does sound a little fucked up. I think I'm going to have to take these out.
Oh, is that cat going to eat that bird?
No, this is a seagull. It's going to eat a rat. Look at him throwing this bitch back.
Just throwing it back. Oh, come on. It probably tastes nasty too. He's like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm doing this.
How long do you think you can eat swallowing rats whole and live?
How many of those can you eat before your whole body is just filled with toxins?
And that rat was dead?
Oh yeah, probably for a long time. And probably dead with poison.
Poison, yeah.
That's one of the things that happens at the Hollywood Hills. They kill a lot of owls inadvertently because they're poisoning the rats and the rats are running around.
and the owls eat the rats.
and the owls get poisoned.
We have an overrun of rats in D.C. And the rats behave like squirrels. They just pop out. They don't give up. But people are training their dogs.
to go after rats.
To go after rats? I know you guys have seen that video.
Yeah, but your dog can get rabies. Your dog can get all kinds of shit. Most likely your dog will fuck up a rat.
And they're saying for people to please curb your dog, because the dogs eat dog food which is high in protein and the rats eat...
Whoa, this hawk got that rat.
Hawks are fucking awesome. They're so awesome.
There's a ton of videos of eagles killing birds.
Oh!
Son!
Play that part again.
Mama!
Oh! Give me that, bitch.
Jesus Christ.
There's no morals involved in this. There's no thinking. No nerves. No remorse.
That's got to be a hard way to go, too.
That's a hard way to go.
Because you're in shock.
All of a sudden these giant hands with claws that dig into your rib cage and you already know you're dead. That thing is grabbing you and it's flying off with you.
You're suffocating because he's way up there.
You're bleeding out from your ribs, too. You've got holes in your ribs. now. You've probably got a punctured lung.
Go ahead and eat me already, motherfucker.
I'm on my way here today. A bird dropped out of the sky when I was at a red light and I was like, what the fuck was that? Tesla record. Let me find out later.
I think a bigger bird got a bird and its friends were trying to get it back and the bigger one just dropped it. I could see other birds flying around as I went by. Bird-on-bird warfare is going on all the time.
If you just throw out stuff for the seagulls, they give it to one of them and they go, no, bitch, give me that.
I was watching a bunch of crows chase off a hawk. There was all these crows.
swarming in on this hawk, trying to get the fucking hawk out of there. Hawks eat their babies. Get out of here, bitch.
Hawks,
as far as flying, the falcon, is the one who can maneuver real good.
They're really fast. Falcons are really fast. They come and dive-bomb in like 200 miles an hour.
A hawk is more like a vet.
Right.
But he can't.
They just swarm on him. Just fuck with him until he quits. Until he's burning off so much energy and he's so worried out. He's like, I'll go find something else to eat.
Have you ever done the comedy festivals in Australia? No. It was me and Al Lubell.
We were walking and it looks like on Batman when they do the bat symbol. because you're just looking down at the ground. We had no idea about the fruit bats in Australia. They're like this big. So you're walking and it's like, you see that?
It must be a nightclub or something. Then you see a whole bunch of them and you look up like, Al, look at that. Me, Al Lubell, grill bars. Al's freaking out.
It's cold over his head. They were just swarming by. Look how big they are. They're like chihuahuas.
Are they really that size? They are big. Oh my God. Are they right in the city? Scroll down a little, Jamie.
See, they're right in the city. Look at the size of that thing. You don't have to go to the woods to see these motherfuckers.
Look at the lady holding one on the top. Look at the size of these things.
That's not in the wilderness. That's right downtown Sydney.
Wow.
What do those things eat?
Fruit. Jesus.
Literally like flying chihuahuas.
Yes.
Australia is a wild place.
We were there and they have a big gala for the comedians. It's right in Chinatown. They say, hey, be careful, because the triad is over there, the little gang members. They dress like they're in a video. They don't...
They look like they should fight with what they got on. They got little suits and shit like that. Okay. Me, being the big, tough American, I'm like, yo, I walk into the car because she has a train on her dress and everything. We're walking to the car and I saw the biggest rat ever coming down the alley.
He's just galloping right towards me. I'm like, yo, look at the rat.
She looks over and she goes, oh, but by then Tony was gone. I was like... I can't believe you ran. I can't believe you didn't run. What the fuck?
I didn't know. It was their possum. It's like a giant monkey rat. He's coming down the alley. I'm trying to tell her, come on, come on, come on.
She's more worried about her shoes and shit.
My dog got one of those in the yard the other day and it played dead.
A real possum?
Yeah. They have the creepiest faces.
They do play, possum.
Yeah, they play possum and it works. I watched a video the other day of one getting attacked. Australian possum.
That's what she said.
That's a cute little guy.
Fuck that dude. He was coming down the alley. Running at you.
That's pretty big. Oh, yeah.
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