#2112 - Dan Soder
2024-03-01 03:16:04
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
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Let's go, Dead Soda.
Yeah. Let's go, baby. Yeah. What's happening? I forgot how good a weed you have.
This is Cal Williams' weed.
Is it really? Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm going to start talking shit on everyone in the business. And that ain't never been a day that Shane Gillis ain't never texted me, ya gay.
Always calling me gay.
Oh, we had Cat Williams ride the racing simulator, and I filmed it and put some of it up on Instagram. It's amazing. But he's like, this is how he drives. This is a normal thing. He does this because he does this in real life.
Yeah, I would love for Cat Williams to be the voice of my self-hate. He's like, you ain't never going to be nothing, baby. You suck. It's like, I know, Cat.
Just to wake you up every day and get you to go to work.
Yeah, gawk. Yeah, he's the new David Goggins. He's like, pain is good. Feel everything bad, pimpin'.
I'm out here golfing in $5,000 sneakers.
Dude, the books thing is still the funniest shit in the world.
Bro, he doubled down and then some. Respect.
Doubling down on a crazy shit is fucking hilarious.
He was saying, I went to the library, and I got 20 books at a time, because that's all they would let you get. And I would be there three times a week.
What if?
Oftentimes, I'd be reading eight books simultaneously, because I have the original book, and then I have books that are annotated.
I love it. The idea that a librarian sees him coming and gets nervous. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, lock the doors. Here he comes.
Only 20..
Only 20.. Only 20 books at a time. I need to read 30 books today. What was he saying, a week? How many?
I don't give a fuck what he said. He's a gem. That guy's a gem. I love him. I was so happy that I got him to come on the podcast, because he was like, Joe Rogan.
don't want me on this podcast. I'm like, I do, though. I fucking love that guy. I've always sung his praises.
When you heard him say that, did you talk back to the interviewer? You're like, but I do want you on.
No. No, I immediately went on Twitter.
Yeah.
I immediately went on Twitter, and I said, dude, I love that guy.
Yeah.
Let's go. I just have never met him. I never met him until yesterday.
I've never met him.
We passed each other in the night at the store. I just never was there. when he was there. He was already a big, giant theater act by then. Yeah.
Now he's an arena act. I just never met him. That's all it was. It's hard to meet arena acts. Unless it's Chappelle, who still goes to the clubs.
Yeah.
I asked him to do the club. I go, you want to do a spot at the club? He goes, I'm an arena act.
Just to clarify who someone like that is.
I do arenas, too. It's okay. The club is amazing. Can't.
Yeah. Not enough people.
No, I think he genuinely doesn't enjoy being in tight crowds like that. I think he's uncomfortable. And I told him, I go, you got too famous. And he was like, you got too famous.
I mean, he's been doing arenas for over 10 years now, probably. And then theaters the whole time.
Well, Pimp Chronicles was when? When was Pimp Chronicles?
I'm going to guess. I mean, I know Jamie's going to look it up. I'm going to guess 02, 03..
Somewhere around then. I watched that in the gym yesterday before I came to do the podcast.
It's one of the greatest stand-up specials of all time.
It's fucking amazing.
The amount of.
The energy he has.
It's like up there with the energy of Chris Rock, Bring the Pain. Where it's like yell laughter.
But it's his own flavor.
He's the best, dude.
It's his own flavor of comedy. His flavor of comedy is uniquely Cat Williams. Yeah. Like the way he can repeat things, and they become funnier. Who fucking repeats a line, and it becomes funnier?
He does. The bit gets better.
He.
Looking at you with the fur coat.
Come on, son. I was saying even his 2019 special was so funny that I sat through 16 minutes of Jacksonville jokes. Yes. Acting like. I knew that about Jacksonville.
Like I'm like, oh, those bridges.
I forget who Chris Rock was watching it with. But they were going crazy just because he was talking about Florida.
16 minutes. A local. And by the way.
By the way, you're laughing with him.
The whole time. He doesn't lose you. And then the special just gets better and better. He was doing sex robot bits on that. He's a monster.
Yeah. He's a monster. I think he is top ten of all time, and people don't even. I think he gets overlooked a lot for a guy that's been doing arenas.
Well, he's had a lot of controversies and craziness. But that's what you get when you get a brilliant mind. You get a fucking Ferrari engine on a kid's bike. Yeah. And sometimes it goes off the rails.
Oh, absolutely. It's almost like Howard Hughes shit where you're like, you're either going to be wearing boxes of Kleenexes, shoes or wrestling a seventh grader, and it's going to be film. Because that shit. If you had enough money, you'd be like, nuke the Internet. I want that off.
But when you see the Howard Hughes type characters, you see those guys just get completely isolated, and they can't interact with people. That is terrifying.
But I see it.
I get how it happens. I see how it could happen.
Yeah. A lot of money. Yeah. A lot of money. And you become defensive, like crazy, defensive and paranoid.
Uh-huh. The paranoia is the thing that makes you just go like, no, I'm just going to grow my beard and my fingernails and not leave outside.
Well, you stop. You have to stop and think about the time that Howard Hughes lived in. Okay. And how easy it was to kill somebody. Yeah.
There was no fucking video cameras everywhere. There was no cell phone cameras. There was no DNA evidence, and everyone was corrupt.
And people, like, it wasn't a thing where, after 12 hours, you're like, let's get eyes on it. It would be a couple days. And people would be like, you just didn't show up for work.
For sure they'd want to kill you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you're the billionaire guy who's controlling the schools. Oh, my God.
What are you doing? You're making weird decisions about the drinking water in the town. Yeah, you're a Rockefeller.
Yeah, you're just like. You. better be concerned.
Yeah, you better have people around you. Well, that's where you've got to worry about. Who are you insulating yourself with? Because if you're like a billionaire like that, and you've got crazy motherfuckers in your ears. Yeah.
You're going to do. That's how you get, like, last time I was here, we were talking about Saddam Hussein's kids. Right. That's the kind of similar shit. Yes.
You just get, like, crazy people around you, some Machiavellian shit. And you're like, yeah, burn the town.
It's always the evil son of the king, right?
Mafia kids. Mafia kids are always not as good at mafying as their dad.
They're kind of dangerous because they didn't earn it.
Right. Yeah.
They just got that power. So they've never had to work for it, which is really weird.
Which also leaves a hole. I think it leaves like a.
They have to prove themselves more too.
Yeah. Whereas if you make your money yourself, there's always this like gaining momentum where you're like, look what I'm doing. Right.
You all, you know, you didn't just hit the lottery. Yeah. Well, you kind of hit the lottery at many steps along the way.
Get lucky, for sure.
There was a lot of work involved in getting to where you are. So, you know, your progression and what you put in to get to that progression. But if you just are born the son of a king.
That's. And you have a dragon. Yeah. You're just like, let's torture. Let's torture.
Dogs.
You're probably not to like empathize with these guys, but you're probably trying to feel something. You're probably like. Right. Everything is. All the great shit that I have does nothing to me.
Right. That would change someone's life. Right. So now what do I got to do to. Cocaine.
Yeah.
Cocaine.
But back then they were like, oh, the milk of magnesia. and. And just putting hot, hot flames on people and shit.
When did they figure out cocaine? Who was the first to figure out cocaine?
A brave person. A brave person that knew a little bit about science. Because it ain't like weed where you can just pull it off. Right. And put fire to it.
Cocaine and alcohol. takes. Someone so dedicated to getting fucked up that they become good at science. Because I watched.
Have you ever seen that show trafficked?
No.
There's this woman who's like one of my personal heroes. Mariana Van Zeller. She was. She was. She's like a real on the ground.
Journalist. Okay.
Goes to dangerous places.
Yeah. The kind of the people that need to do ayahuasca to stop the PTSD.
I don't know what. She seems fine. Which is crazy.
All those war correspondents are all like. You're like. You need to probably go do something to erase everything you've seen.
She was first on the show, like 10 years ago. Because she exposed the fentanyl issue. And the. Excuse me. The opioid issue in Florida.
Where they had those pill mills. And they didn't have a database. Yeah. So you could go to. They call them pain management centers.
You would go there. You would talk to the doctor on the left side. The doctor say. Oh, you need pills. And you go to the right side.
And they give you pills. And that's all they have is pills. And then people would go to multiple ones. Stockpile. Get a big bag of them.
Go to different doctors. You can go many doctors.
Yeah. Oh yeah. They call that. What do they call it? Doctor shopping.
Or like going around and like. There's a word for it. Where they go doctor to doctor.
Yeah. You can. You could. Back then. You could do it.
Because they didn't have a database. Which everybody thought was insane. This is a controlled substance. A highly addictive heroin. That you take in pill form.
And you don't.
You don't have a database. There's someone that, like. I'm going to come by today. And you go. No.
And they're like. We can't tell.
She did a whole documentary on. it. Called the Oxycontin Express. That's right. And it was amazing.
I'm going to absolutely check that out.
But she went to the fucking jungle of Colombia. To where they make cocaine. And filmed the whole process. With the people making it. And then hiked out with them.
When they carried it on their backpacks. Through the jungle.
Who does she talk to?
To set that up.
To also feel comfortable. You're like at any moment. I'm in the jungle in Colombia. I'm fucking dead. Not only that.
I just got my little recorder. And I go. So do you like cocaine? And they're like.
You can expose to your enemies. Roughly where this is.
Yeah. Yeah. Roughly. You're going to give away. Yeah.
Some information that can be used against you.
I'll find those guys. Who are on that video. Yeah. I don't need. They have a mask on.
I know who that is. That's Pedro. When I would. I know, Pedro. Like, if you had a fucking mask on.
And you were talking. I was like.
Hey guys. That's Dan Soder.
You'd have to do it.
Do you guys like Macho Man?
You'd have to do it. All, Cat Williams. Yeah. While you're working on cocaine.
I ain't giving away this cocaine. Ain't no one touching it. Pimpin. Just.
Just the entire time. You work at a coke factory. That's great.
Different voices. Or just. I change my voices. So no one knows who I am. I'm like.
I'm telling you. This cocaine is unbelievable. And they're like. You can feel back. Doing coke.
When I was a. I was a busboy. At this steakhouse in Aurora. Growing up. When I was in high school.
And we'd smoke cigarettes in the room. That wasn't being used. When you could smoke in restaurants. And there was this old waiter. And he was a.
Former Marine. And he was like. Old school. Like. I don't want to talk about it.
Old school. Like. Did some shit. And then, one time after work. Me and my buddy Mike were sitting there.
And we were smoking. He'd smoke cool. Unfiltered.
Whoa.
And this guy was just telling us stories about. He was a sniper. In the army. And his job. In Central America.
Was to kill donkeys. That were carrying drugs. Whoa. And he's like. Because we'd always ask him.
Like. Did you kill people? He's like. No. I just shot a shit ton of donkeys.
And he's like. Because all these donkeys. Oh my god. Would just have all this weight on them. Wow.
And then he'd just pop them. In the middle of the jungle. And he'd be like. Well, now you've got. You know.
And then it would set up like. Okay, now go get them. But this dude. Just like. Him, telling us that.
And us being 16.. And wanting it to be people. Like. Nah, but did you kill people? He's like.
No, you're not listening to what I did. I fucked their shit up.
What a really dumb way to handle a problem.
Is what?
Here's the problem. Some people think you shouldn't do cocaine. Yeah. So. We're gonna lock everybody up who sells it.
So the only people that are gonna sell it. Are the people that can get away with selling it in Mexico.
Yeah.
And those people. Are going to be. A super billionaire.
Powerful cartel.
Like an army.
An industry. An army. A well funded army. Yeah. And they're.
They can walk here. And that's because you don't want people over here to sell coke. Even though people want to buy coke.
Yeah, let it rip.
I kind of feel like.
Let it rip.
That's the only real answer. Like. Don't do it. Don't do it. But.
If. It was sold in America. It would be actual coke. Like. is it that hard to sell pure coke?
I bet it would. I bet it would make a lot of people's lives better. And a lot of people's lives worse. A lot of people's lives worse. for sure.
It would go like this.
Richard Pryor got just regular coke and it ruined him.
Yeah. I mean. Some say Hunter S Thompson. Some say Hunter S Thompson's writing. Sigmund Freud loved cocaine.
Oh, I mean. Of course. All the old school gods. Look at that.
Loved the way cocaine made him feel. Fucking duh.
Also when. And he's into psychology. Yeah. I bet there were some Freud talks that you're like. Dude, I don't want to do this.
And he's like. No. Think about it. You want to fuck your mom. And he goes.
Dude, Simon. We're on a lot of blow right now.
Dude. it's like 80s coke movies, where you know they were writing and making it when they were doing coke. Dude. some of those movies are like. What are you saying?
Electric. I. Probably not. Maybe. But.
Electric 2. Electric Boogaloo. Breaking 2. Electric Boogaloo. I watched that in my hotel room the other day.
And I was like. This was written on cocaine. Cause every scene just goes like. And then they're here. And then they're here.
And then they're here. And everything's alright.
My number one speculation is Showgirls.
Yeah. Showgirls, was written with a half erect penis. That was. That movie, was written by a guy. that's like.
And then boobs come out. That was. That movie hit when I was in middle school. Like right when jerking off started. And so it was a gold mine.
Cause you could be like. It's a legitimate movie. It wasn't porn. Right.
But she's topless.
Oh dude. The sex scene in the pool is the dumbest shit. Where she goes like.
She starts flopping around.
She looks possessed.
It doesn't make any sense. That anybody would be like. Not lose their boner. And go. Oh, my god.
She's insane. Yeah. Having sex with an insane person.
Also, that would hurt. Right. Having sex like that. You'd be like. Hey, calm down.
It was only NC-17.. The first and to date only NC-17 film. To be given a wide release mainstream theaters.
I'm telling you.
They made it. It was so dumb.
That movie.
It's one of the dumbest movies ever.
It was so stupid.
But it's great to watch.
It's great jerk off. It's a whole thing. Well, it's just great to watch.
Cause it's so goofy. Like if you're with a bunch of buddies. And you get high. And watch Showgirls. You're gonna laugh.
You're gonna laugh really. Hit. Like Hinchcliffe. Gillis. Showgirls.
Oh yeah.
We're having fun.
I mean. All the dialogue. The choppy dialogue. It made. It made Cinemax movies look better.
We were like. Man. We were really making fun of Shane and Tweed. And all those Cinemax movies. Yeah.
And then you're like. Actually much better than this. It's better than Showgirls. But Showgirls.
It's just a wild movie.
They were like. Jesse Spano gets naked. I mean. I'm telling you. It timed out perfectly with me.
I was young enough to watch Saved by the Bell. And take it seriously. That by the time puberty hit. And Showgirls happened. You're like.
I was waiting for something like this. Oh my god. I think kids now. Get it too quick.
Way too quick.
The sexualizing of like. Everything happens. So.
Well, boys are seeing porn. The moment they get a phone.
Yeah.
The moment they get a phone.
Why wouldn't you?
You can't stop them.
Yeah.
They're too smart. My youngest. My middle daughter, rather. She, figured out. How to.
My wife. Put a password. On her phone.
Yeah.
And so. Like. She could limit the use. She figured. The record.
The screen. And give the. My wife. The phone. So my wife.
Punches in the numbers. Is recording the screen.
It's like Velociraptors. Learning how to open doors. Wow.
It's exactly like. What the fuck. She was 12..
That is. They. They know. So fast.
That's so creepy.
Yeah. I think it's. Like you, little raptor. Yeah. Like.
Like. imagine taking that. Go here, mom.
Here, mom. Here's my phone.
Can you put it in?
I really agree with you. That limitations are important.
I want to see the puppies. And then she's like. Look at the screen time.
And it's four hours of TikTok.
She goes around the corner. And she looks, and she's like. We got her.
Well, they're little drug dealers. Yeah. That's what the phone companies are. Little drug dealers.
Dopamine. For kids. Yeah. I mean we do it too. Drug dealers.
And the kids are little junkies. And we're junkies too.
But I think it is. I think it's one of those things where you're like. What's going to be their response to it? Because they're smart. They can do shit like that.
When they get older. Are they going to be like. Hey, we should limit this.
No. No. It's not going to be limited. We're in it now. We're in it now.
And this is us. And I think it's just going to get more and more invasive. Because that seems the direction that it keeps going. If I had a guess. And then this is obviously just a guess.
I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I feel like this can't be stopped. Especially with AI. When they're talking about AI. And all the things that AI can do for you, now.
It's just. people are getting papers written. They're getting busted all the time. Chat GPT is writing them. Any answer to kind of anything.
It can code websites instantaneously.
It can do your voice. It can replicate your voice.
The Google one can't show white people, though. Really? Which is a real issue. No, really. You didn't know that?
I didn't know. Oh dude. Are you ready for this? They asked the Google one to show images of World War II Nazi soldiers.
Yeah.
And they made it all woke. So they made like a Native American Nazi. They have an Asian lady Nazi. They have a black man Nazi.
You are describing the perfect punk album cover from the 80s.
Bro. It couldn't describe the founding fathers of the United States.
Well, they were just men. But were they? Did they identify as men?
You have to see some of these pictures. Can you get any? Jamie? I was seeing it on Twitter.
Here's my question to you. And this is the perfect place to ask this question about cell phones. Do you think there's any chance that cell phones are weapons from aliens that disarm us? Because we're all looking down and they know it can use our emotions. Like a grenade that takes a long time to explode.
Because we each have them. Because I love alien shit. And you're like, well, there's got to be some alien technology. If they're watching us, they just drop something. They're like, hey, you guys want to watch them get fucked up?
Let's give them cell phones.
Look at that.
That's great.
Founding fathers of America.
This summer.
George Washington. I like how one of them is a Native American. That's like saying a Holocaust victim is a Nazi.
Yeah.
That's so crazy to say that's one of the founding fathers of the United States. No, that's who he stole the legs from.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Look at the images of Vikings.
Dude, that's great.
A Samoan dude and a black lady.
Yeah.
Look at the popes. An Indian woman and an African man. It's amazing.
This is hilarious. Google Gemini. That's so funny. Google Gemini is like, I don't want to say it.
That's not good. You are messing with the fiber of reality to fit in with your ideology, and you shouldn't be doing that. if you're in control of artificial intelligence. It's supposed to be an artificially intelligent program that takes all the information in the world and gives you a take on things, right? It's not supposed to be an indoctrination tool.
You can't use it to-.
So you're saying no opinions.
It should be a regurgitation, not an opinion.
You can't fucking lie about who the founding fathers were.
Man, but can you imagine if you could use AI to make yourself look awesome? If you're just like any AI, Dan Soder stuff, you're like seven foot tall, could dunk easy, run up and down the court.
Show me the one where they show the Nazi soldiers, because the Nazi soldiers one is the most preposterous. Look at this, bro. Look at this.
An Indian Nazi nurse.
Like the darkest African looking man you've ever seen.
Was the top left, their attempt at a white guy? And they were just like, yeah, we can't even do it.
I think the top left is a white guy. So they gave you one white guy when it came to German soldier, but then he's got an Asian lady. You got an Asian lady Nazi? What? What the fuck are you saying?
What the fuck did you say? Do you know what a Nazi is? How are you so dumb and yet so smart? That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life.
We're going to need to hope that robots stay that way when they turn on us, that there's still some stupidity in them, so we can win.
It's this weird white thing that they have a problem with white people.
Yeah.
It's so bonkers.
You also just don't know like the programming. Like people can program this. People are, at what point does AI get away from people? At what point does AI, because you remember that thing where they had.
I want you to imagine a world where it was the opposite. I want you to imagine a world where you said, show me Muhammad Ali and it shows you this white guy.
Didn't they like? do that with like rock and roll?
Weren't they like, hey, black music, but it's a white guy.
Well, for sure. That was the criticism of Elvis.
Yeah. That he stole.
Yeah. Rock and roll. Like Ray Charles never liked Elvis. Like Ray Charles, would talk shit about Elvis.
Really?
Yeah. You ever see Ray Charles talking shit on Elvis?
I want to see that.
You got to see it. It's amazing. With his sunglasses on talking shit.
But it would be for effect if he took them off and looked at the camera. He's like, look at me. He's got the blind eyes.
Fuck Elvis Presley. Look into my gray eyes.
Like an oracle. I'm going to touch you.
He grabs your wrist and takes it.
Okay. Not necessarily. You know better than I. Yeah. Let me ask you differently.
How good was Elvis? What Elvis did, he called a lot of the populace, if you will. And when people say populace, they usually mean white people, to start listening to a lot of music that normally they wouldn't have been listening to. And black people have been going out, shaking their behinds for centuries. What the hell is unusual about that chicken hipster?
And that's all Elvis was doing was copying that. And he was doing our kind of music. That's blackness. So what the hell am I supposed to get so excited about, man? He's the king and he's the...
I don't know. He's a punk. Dude. It's funny that...
Everybody...
He's called Elvis a punk.
Everybody in entertainment has that, where they go like, yeah, he did this, but also fucking, let's stop sucking his dick. Anyone in entertainment has that exact muscle, that response muscle. So he's the king? He ain't the fucking king. It might be off microphone, but everyone, Cat Williams, is off.
Right. But in his case, this is a totally different time in history. You got to think of. that was like, if you were a really good black artist, you actually couldn't get on TV.
Yeah.
It wasn't like today, where these black artists are hugely successful.
They're like, no, you're just not happening.
Back then, you were not going to make it. Yeah. And they were going to really promote this white guy.
Oh, yeah. A white guy walking around?
Promote the shit out of this white guy. Girls would scream and cry, like, this is what we've been looking for.
That reaction, can I just say, that reaction always has been like, there's no way I could handle that. Someone scream crying the second they saw you?
Well, he couldn't handle it either. Yeah. Look what happened to him. He went crazy.
Well, the Vegas. Living in Vegas full time and just doing fucking pain pills.
That's like living right next to Sauron's dick. Just the pull.
Just the eye above your leg.
The fucking eye in the sky.
And then they're giving you weird jumpsuits and you're learning karate.
And you're doing all kinds of drugs.
But, by the way, peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Fried.
They're good.
Yeah.
You know what's really good? Peanut butter and bacon.
Yeah?
Peanut butter and bacon with honey.
I've been running back peanut butter and honey recently. Is it true? Elvis died on the toilet?
That's what they say, but that's just a rude thing that I would say, too, if I was like, he's a punk, he died on the toilet.
That was the end of it. They cut off. I already died on the toilet. And then he just gets around like that.
Elvis is probably still alive. when he said that. I don't know. Actually, probably not. Do you think he.
That's Bob Costa.
Do you think Elvis did the fake death?
No, he's dead as fuck. Yeah, he's dead as fuck. You can't do pills forever.
Yeah. They get you. But what a way. at the end. I mean, there's a moment there where you were flying high.
And then you got to be like, well, you either got to wrap it up or just be like, let's just play it out.
There's so many of his concerts where he's got pill sweat. Oh, yeah. Like just pill sweat all over his face.
Dumping.
Pill sweat.
Just dumping sweat.
Elvis Presley autopsy explains grotesque illness that caused him to die on toilet. He was 43?. He had constipation. because of everything. He had a four month old stool.
No way.
That's what killed him? That's what it says. Oh, but doesn't. Isn't that one of the things that happens when people take like Vicodin?
Opiates. They usually have a hard time shitting on.
Yeah, I hear it. Due to his high fat, unhealthy diet. What about the pills?
Suffered from chronic constipation. Are they doctors? Due to his high fat, unhealthy diet. What about due to his pills? Yeah.
I know, but that should be at the top. Like, that's probably why he was constipated for fucking months. Unhealthy diet. people shit like racehorses. They shit everywhere.
Yeah. Yeah. He must have been. The amount of pills he was on that was stopping the shit and then making it damn in him for four months.
So, the rock singer, anyway, I went off on a tangent. Suffered from chronic constipation, and a post-mortem examination found he had a four-month-old compacted stool sitting in his bowel. Oh my God.
Can we talk about what came out?
But imagine how much that dude was eating at four months worth of food.
And banana, peanut butter sandwiches.
He didn't shit for four months?
He just packed it in.
How could you not shit for four months?
Because my initial thought is this is just as a challenge.
No way. Ask him some time. No way. Not four months, but weeks.
What? Ari would go weeks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard the story. It's gross.
I got constipated two years ago, and it was one of the most terrified I've ever been in my life.
Scary.
For two weeks I couldn't, two and a half weeks I couldn't shit.
Oh, my God. And you're still eating?
Oh, but you're also like, you have to poop. You let go and you have to poop, but it just doesn't show up. Oh, my God. Dude, it was after I got.
Pulled out.
Oh. Yeah.
My friend, Larry, shout out to Larry. Yeah. I used to work with him on Fear Factor.
Yeah. And he had to get poop pulled out of his door?
The story, every time he would tell the story, I literally couldn't breathe. I was laughing so hard I couldn't fucking breathe. Because he's funny anyway. Yeah. And he's telling the story.
And when it got to the point where it was hard, so they had to go in there and break it up. Like dynamite it? And pull it out. They had to use tools. They had to just chip away at the cement shit that was stuck at the fucking base of his butthole.
Dude, there was a moment where I was in Rochester working a weekend comedy at the Carlson Great Club. Didn't shit all weekend. Saturday, I was like emotionally going through it. And I had suppositories. And I was like, do a suppository.
Because I was like, just do it. Just do it. And it didn't work. Oh, no. And I was like, it was one of those moments where you go, why have you forsaken me, God?
Oh, my God. I was like, dude, nothing. And then, after the weekend, I went back to New York. And my doctor was like, just drink Miralax. Just keep drinking Miralax.
Like, fuck what it says. Every time you think about it, have a cup of Miralax. And so I was just a ticking time bomb. Oh, my God. I was a ticking time bomb.
And you went on stage like that?
Dude, I had to. I was like, I had to go. And so I get through the weekend. fine. I get through the weekend.
But the second I got back to New York, the next morning, I woke up and was like fucking around in my apartment. And all the adrenaline had dumped from like the past two weeks. I sat down and took the most glorious shit. I took, like a Jeff Daniels Dumb and Dumber. Wow.
My legs were fucking. It was unbelievable. It was almost worth the constipation for that dump.
Why is it so satisfying to look at a giant shit?
Dude, it's just dropping out of you. You're like, whoa.
But when it's really big, you get excited.
Oh, my God. When it snakes out? I have to stop myself to yell to my fiance.
Because there's times where I'm like, someone's got to see this.
Ari would send me pictures.
Oh, yeah. I mean, Ari will box up his poop, like he did when he gave Big Jay a box of poop on skates. That makes me gag just hearing it. He said it was an Avenged Sevenfold album. And he fucking shit in a box and gave it to fucking.
And he opened it in front of a crowd. Oh, my God. And everybody was like. It cleared the room. It was at the Old Creek in the Queens.
downstairs. It cleared the entire fucking room. Everyone was like, that smells horrible. He's the best. Ari is one of those people where you're like.
And now do you see? he went viral with that sweet story about what he did for his girlfriend?
I did see that. I didn't read it, though.
You know, we both know Ari, the person. We both know the very good side. A sweet man. A mensch.
He's one of my favorite people. I love him to death.
He is truly a mensch. He's a great guy. He united New York and L.A. comedy.
He did.
Single-handedly.
Well, he went over there with the attitude that we all had at the store.
Yeah, he's like, you guys should just meet these guys. You would like everybody. Big Jay was the first person that he was close with. And then, through Big Jay and Ari, the healing started. We started hanging out, going to L.A., and everyone became friends.
The New York versus L.A. comedy feud was the dumbest thing of all time. It made zero sense.
You are literally giving power to all the industry, separating like that.
Not only was it so dumb, but it never made any sense, because most of us started on the East Coast.
You're from Massachusetts.
Stan Hope's from Worcester.
So many guys started in New York and then came to L.A. Like Burr.
I moved to New York in 07, right when Burr left. And so it felt like ridiculous that people were like, L.A. comics. You're like, yeah, but Burr just burged it. Like we knew people that were there.
It was ridiculous.
It was stupid. But it was a dumb thing. Like we just weren't communicating. So you're like, fuck those guys. It's like the walled garden.
feel. Like you'd come to the store and there would be all the cliques. And you didn't know who to hang out with.
It's all high school. It's always high school. High school just keeps repeating itself throughout your life.
But you could have a cool group of friends in high school.
Yeah.
You know? And that's what I try to cultivate.
Yeah. Just people you want to hang with.
Cool group of friends. I figured out a long time ago on the road, and I was trying to explain this to Feim. It's better to make less money on the road and then pay a guy who's good to open for you. Absolutely. And pay for his airfare and his hotel.
So you make less money, but you'll have more fun. You have to have more fun. Fun is the whole thing.
I'll add to that. I like bringing my friends who I like to watch, because then I get to watch a show. Yes. I watch them in the middle, and I go like, this is so fun. Yes.
And you get to go on laughing.
Yeah.
You're already laughing.
Dan St. Germain is one of my best friends, and he's a hilarious comic. And I bring him on the road, and he just does little stuff. that I'm just like, dude, that's so fucking funny. He'll get off stage, and I'll be like, that line is so funny.
And he'll be like, oh, thanks. When we filmed, because I put out my special on YouTube Friday, March 1st. When we filmed that, I brought him because I was like, let's just keep this like a weekend. We're just going to film this like this is because it was. I was just on the road.
And I was like, let's just film a show at a club that I love, Portland Helium. We'll just film it like it always is. And I get to bring my friend. And then it's just like a hang. Yes.
It's like a fun hang. that doesn't feel, because you know, when you do special tapings, they can feel like everyone's like, are you going to do it? Right. Is it going to be? And you're like, and you got like your managers there randomly.
Yes. And it just doesn't feel like a show. Right. Filming it at Portland Helium with St. Germain and having like people around and just friends come through.
That's just a show.
It was like, oh, and then I'm like, I'm just going to put this up on YouTube for free. And this is great. And this is exactly what I do on the road. And it was like a fun fucking hang.
And I think the club shows represent like a more intimate thing, which is what you're doing at home anyway. If you're sitting in your living room. Yeah. I think there's a disconnect. Like if you watch, like I've seen some guys do, arena specials.
Which is nuts, because.
Which is nuts.
It's. It's still great. Listen, arena shows are. It can be great. Arena shows are fun.
Dude, I went and saw Nate at fucking State Farm in Atlanta.
I'm not saying arena shows aren't fun. I love arena shows.
But here's the point I'm making is I went and saw Nate and live. It was an experience. It was like watching one man in front of all those people just murder. My friend, just being like, buddy, my wife, but it's just like sending out waves.
But at home. But at home. With like minimal. Yeah. Minimal exertion, but maximal reward with the punch lines.
If we were in the forties, he would have had so many. He would have been a hall of fame sniper in the army. Which is how calm he would have been. And he would have been like seven degrees left. That's a great description of him.
Nate would be like seven degrees right.
I've never seen someone more calmly kill.
It's incredible. Yeah. It's incredible. And, by the way, the way he kills his bits are stuff that it's so organic. And from who he is.
Yeah. That like you're like, I've had multiple phone conversations with Nate. Multiple over the years, where we have talked about something. And then, months later, that conversation is a seven minute bit. And it's just destroying the room.
We had, cause we all used to hang in New York, uh, like around 0, 7, 0, 8 at standup New York, when Patrice, Patrice's manager, Wayne Rada, was booking it. So it was like, Patrice was there, a tell big J and then Nate, all these guys that I met, specifically Louis J Gomez and all them, are all from this time period. So you would have. Weird hangs like me, Louis and Nate. Nate had a bit that he did on Conan about his friend trying to fight staff members at a McDonald's.
Cause. he took a bite out of his burger. That was Nate Lewis. And I, cause we took a bite out of Louis's hamburger and wrap it back up. And this psycho came back in and was like, Oh, what's up?
I started walking at the McDonald's workers and Nate was laughing so hard. He had to bail out of the McDonald's and I had to get in front of Louis and be like, it was us. It was us. And then, six months later, Nate's on Conan murdering with a bit about it,
dude. I bought a cheeseburger once from Burger King and it had a bite taken out of it.
That is a act of war. If it's not your friend, it's an act of war.
I was driving home from training and I got a guy coming home from training. I was so sad.
Yeah.
I mean, I was so hungry. I ate it.
Did you bite around it? Yeah.
I was so poor. I needed the food.
When I was a waiter, that's what I would do. When someone, I worked in Midtown and they would like throw out this steak. We had a steak and it was in little slices all the way down. And I would see how much they would eat. And then I would just go on over and be like, and that's mine.
And I'd be like, and I got some steak. That's always the way to do it. When you're poor, when you're that poor, you're like, I'll eat around it.
Yeah. I just ate it. I was so hungry.
But it is a bummer.
And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know. Should I go and tell them someone took a bite out of my burger? I have to get home. I'm tired.
Was that?
I just ate it.
Because I'm saying they picked the wrong guy. You pick me who just smoked a bowl.
What am I going to do? Go in and karate kick people? Yes. Yes. No, I wasn't that type of guy.
Dude, you could be like Shownuf in The Last Dragon and go fuck up.
Who ate my motherfucking cheeseburger?
When I say who ate my burger.
You could pick the wrong guy to do that to, though. You could pick a guy who just found out that his wife's been fucking his best friend and she stole $100,000 from his bank account and his boss just fired him. And then he is in a fucking rage. And he gets a cheeseburger and it's got a bite taken out of it. And it's like, oh, okay, motherfucker.
And then you pull in with that cheeseburger and just start laying people out.
Yeah. You're describing what's going to happen. To all these YouTube pranksters.
Some of them are bringing big giant security guards with them.
Well, that's their thing now. Because there was a story about a guy, one of these pranksters, that got shot. He got shot in the stomach. Oh, I saw that. And then the article came, an article came out with an interview with his dad.
Shot in the stomach by an illegal immigrant, by the way.
Yeah, but still a prank.
That dude is just so quick to pull guns.
I mean.
Where is he from?
I mean, he ran from something. You know that. That guy ran from something more dangerous than him. Yeah, maybe jail. I mean, yeah.
Maybe he ran from jail. Some of these people are like, dude, you don't want to fuck. It's again, the wrong guy. You picked the wrong guy.
Yeah, you picked the wrong guy.
You picked the wrong guy by fucking pulling his pants down.
Just shot him in the gut.
Dude, there were old pranks. People used to, because this has come in waves. There was like in the Vine days, people were doing pranks. Yes. And they were deep pantsing, like black dudes, just walking up and deep pants and black eyes, like in the hood, and being like, no, no, no.
And the second they would get swarmed on, they'd be like, that's a prank. And there's one where a guy does it and you hear that gun hit the street and that prankster is like, and the guy picks up the gun and you're like, dude, what did you.
You could have been dead.
You could have been dead.
A hundred percent.
And, by the way, the security guards are just going to make it worse. Because then you're going to get a guy, maybe you have a guy that can fucking handle himself and he's not scared of your security. And now there's two people getting hurt.
Or the security guy gets shot first.
Exactly. Yeah. And you're like, dude, that's.
Oh, that's crazy, man. That's what people will do for attention. It's just nuts.
But that's what, that's alien. Dude, it's alien weaponry.
You might be onto something.
They're coming from under the sea. Here's the thought. And they're giving us weapons. I'm all about USOs now, dude.
Yeah. Undersea UFOs.
It's unidentified submersible objects.
Yeah.
That's where they are, dude. Yeah. They're at the floor.
That's what Cat Williams said.
Yeah.
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