#2118 - The Black Keys

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There was a cop guarding our car by the theater street. We asked him if it was okay if we smoked one and he said, you should probably wait.

You should probably wait.

Funny thing for a cop to say. Yeah, it's tricky.

So stupid.

The dumbest of laws.

Yeah.

Without a doubt. The number one dumbest of laws. There's nothing that's even close to that one. That one's so stupid. Well, all the shit that is legal.

It's just a matter of time, I think.

It's legal in like 20 states or something now. Was it like 19 or something, Jamie?

You can have a zebra.

You can have a cult.

You can have a cult. You can have a zebra. You can conceal carry with no license. You don't have to have a concealed carry license here. It's constitutional carry.

How many states have that? How many states have that?

Quite a few now. Quite a few. Florida has it. There's, I want to say there's, 19 states that have that now. Ohio just passed it.

Surprise, though. In Ohio, they allow that.

Well, I'm not familiar with any gun law. Ever. At all. I just don't have a gun. I have a pellet gun.

Wow.

Yeah. I did. It scared the shit out of me. I was a boy, scout and stuff, but my friend bought a Mauser. Is that what it's called?

Oh, no.

And was a Nazi.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Did he at least try to lose?

I don't know, man. It was a whole different thing he would do that he never really discussed with us. We bought this Mauser and we took it to the range, indoor range. And the pin, I guess, was replaced to fire only blanks. So, we're trying to shoot it and it was hitting the bullet, but not firing.

Well, that's a scary thing. That makes sense. But someone should 100% show you.

Yeah, that wasn't.

But let's be honest, though, most of the time it's like that.

Yeah.

I mean, the first time I ever fired a gun was like in a basement. Some guy had a gun and he was shooting into, like some homemade shooting range in the basement.

I fired a gun once when I was really young. But then, when I moved to California, I bought a gun and I went to the range. And I remember the first time I went to the range, the sound is so terrifying. Like when you walk into the, and you hear the boom, boom. And you realize each one of those could end your life easy.

Oh yeah.

And it's just happening all around you. And you're just like hoping these people next to you keep their shit together. Yeah. Because like one of the ranges that I went to out in LA, it was like a rifle range and a long, it had a bunch of different ranges on it. It's a big outdoor place.

I wonder why.

I don't know. I don't know why you would do that. Or maybe he didn't plan on it. And then, once he got there, he started shooting guns. And he's like, you know what?

Yeah, it seems like a weird place to do that.

What a fucking doofus.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe he wanted everybody to know.

It was just low IQ. Some guns are like .357 or something. It's like scary. It's like all jagged and fucking kicks back. Yeah.

If you shoot one of those speed guns, like a staccato, they're like, there's a plant out here in Texas. We went to visit it. They're so precisely machined. Their tolerances are so small. When that thing slides, it's like, you're shooting a nine millimeter and it feels like you're shooting a .22..

I shot a musket in Boy Scouts.

No.

Yeah. It just was like, like sparks just flying. And I left a hole like this big in the target. But my brother sent me some ring camera footage from his, he lives in West Cleveland. He's like, check this out.

Jesus Christ.

It sounded insane, dude.

Yeah. Cleveland.

Well, it's not just Cleveland. That's out here too. I was out at a friend of mine's house. You can hear in the background.

This is just like Rambo style. Jesus.

The funny one? Yeah. The new one?

It's like, I don't know if they made more than just that, but the last three minutes of it, he kills like 800 people or something. It's just so insane.

I heard the newest Rambo is preposterous. Joey Diaz said it's hilarious.

He goes, it's fucking hilarious.

You gotta watch it. It's a masterpiece. Because it's just fucking, you know, it's this crazy, cartoonish, good guy, bad guy thing from like the eighties, which looks so out of place. But he still makes those movies the same way. Like, if you go and watch, try to go, watch.

Make any adjustments.

No adjustments for the times. No evolution. If you go back and watch like those old movies, they're so ridiculous. Go watch Red Dawn.

That would be like if we made the exact same record right now that we did with the first record.

Yeah, but the problem is like movies are different than music. Cause some old music is dope as fuck. Right? Like, and then I guess some old movies are dope too.

Hell yeah. I got pretty into, like some later, more recent era, Steven Seagal stuff. Like five, six years ago. My friends and I would watch it, cause it was just so insanely bad. And then Dan sent me a link to the Comptown guys talking about these same films.

One of the funny things is like, he's so old and his special forces team that he assembles all has to be kind of his age. Which means their commander has to be like 80.. Oh my gosh. So they show the commander with the white mustache and old as fuck.

That's hilarious. Tom Segura had a whole bit about Seagal.

Dude, I heard a story about him from someone who would know. They said that, like this super agent, like he was the personal trainer of this, like super agent.

Michael Ovitz.

Yeah. And that like, he had a bet with another agent that he can make anybody famous. And they're like, well, how about your trainer?

No, no, no.

That's not it.

No, Steven Seagal is a legit Aikido specialist.

And that's like the art of like de-arming someone?

It was invented for samurai to fight against someone with a sword. Right. So it's all about like a redistribution of energy. It's all about, I commit to you and then you throw me to the ground. The problem with that is if someone doesn't commit, someone just fucking grabs you, wrestles you.

That's the other fucking awesome thing too. The Seagal, the old, in the, in the like later films where he doesn't even get up out of the chair.

He just does the shit and just throws people. Yeah.

They come at him and he just fucks them.

He's eating a hot dog. So this is Seagal. when he was younger. This is Seagal was the first American to run a dojo in Japan. Now this is later.

Just his posture. He's so disrespectful.

Well, it's. the whole idea behind him is that he was an American who spoke Japanese. He's married to a Japanese woman and he ran a dojo in Tokyo or somewhere in Japan. But it was very unusual for an American to be running a dojo. But I think it was because he married the woman.

The stuff where he's like, have you seen the clips of him in Belarus eating the carrots and stuff?

He's eating carrots?

There's a good, yeah, he's like hanging out with the president or dictator of Belarus. But it's amazing.

Jamie, find the older footage.

Older footage.

Just eating carrots?

I'll watch this. You know, kind of.

Thank you.

It's so insane.

His hair is insane.

And of course someone edited that. so he's like deep throating the carrot.

That's the weird thing about old actors that are kind of at the end of the journey and they start appearing in foreign countries and meeting people. I want to meet Steven Seagal. Bring him to me. And then, all of a sudden, he's a Russian citizen. He's got a passport in Russia, like no bullshit.

This is cool.

This is much better, right? But it's also not real. Like that shit doesn't work. It's like if you learn Aikido, you can do some of those things.

That was such bullshit. He just threw the guy behind his back.

The clips from like the last couple years when he's doing it, it just, it looks, you know, preposterous really.

It's a lot of preposterousness to Aikido because the people are playing along with it. They're going along with it. So that's real. It's also, you know, that kind of martial art is like, you don't really know how to fight. It's like learning a language, but you only learn like conjunctions.

So it's how we speak Spanish. It's worse.

It's worse. It's like. you just can't only do that. If you want to learn how to do that for funsies, yeah, it's fun to do. But don't think that this is going to really work.

It fucking worked for him.

Well, it would work if someone had a sword. The thing is like the Japanese samurai, they knew how to fight. And then that would be an art that they would train in just to learn how to disarm. sword carrying weapon. You know, like someone who's got something, a spear or something that's going to get you.

There's this dude that makes these. He makes these. dioramas like that are out like insane detail. And the whole time he's like telling a story, and it's funny as hell. I forget his name, something fingers, but he does one of Steven Seagal.

Gene LaBelle. He told the story on my podcast. Oh, that's hilarious.

So he does these things. Yeah, right. Well, apparently he choked him out instantly and he shit his pants.

Gene told the story on the podcast.

Yeah. But this guy's true story?

It's true story. Gene's a legend. Gene LaBelle was a judo champion and he was like one of the first guys to do mixed martial arts fights. Like he had a fight with a boxer, like way, way back in the day, and just strangled this boxer and put him to sleep. But he made the boxer wear a gi, I think.

But does that shit look good in movies though?

Judo? No. Well, this is him fighting this boxer dude. Does it look like the boxer of gloves? It doesn't.

Over him.

He just choked him to sleep. Wow. But Gene's a gorilla. I mean, that dude, he's a tank of a man. You know, even as an old man, some dudes in his neighborhood were fucking with someone's car.

The one wrong old guy to fuck with.

Hope I didn't fuck that story up. But he's the guy that choked Seagal out. So Seagal was, like, claiming that he couldn't be choked. And his move was when you put the rear naked choke on, he hits you in the balls. And the idea that you're going to do that to Gene LaBelle.

Makes your grip even harder around the neck.

And you also have, like, a three-second window before it really sucks. You know, like the delayed reaction to getting kicked in the balls. You know, there's that weird moment where you get hit. You're like, oh, no, here it comes.

I never got fully kicked there.

Never?

Only, like, grazed.

I mean, I've got three brothers, so there's a lot of ball kicking.

Dude, I just realized what your shirt says. Oh, yeah.

My friend Brendan makes these.

That's amazing.

I know, that's the best thing about the shirt, is it takes, like, an hour for someone to notice what's on it.

I didn't even read it before. I was just saying hi, and then I realized that fucking story's the craziest. Did you see that Netflix documentary on the Unabomber? No.

I didn't.

It's nuts, man. When he was a baby, he had some sort of a disease, and so they had to take him to a hospital, and he wasn't allowed to have contact with people. So his parents weren't allowed to see him. No one was allowed to see him. I think it was for, like, months.

Insane, dude.

It just goes and lives in the woods.

Those LSD experiments are hard to believe.

Hard to believe.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I wonder what's going on right now. If they were doing that, then, do they just say, oh, let's just stop? I mean, there's probably experiments that are going on right now, that we're going to find out about 20 years from now.

Oh, for sure.

For sure, right?

Oh, yeah. There's no way. I was talking to this chick at a party the other day, and she was talking about she has a house on Shelter Island off of Long Island, and how this really weird animal was fucking with her dog, and she was describing it. And I was like, sounds like the Montauk monster. It had, like, a beak and, like, wallaby legs.

Well, they do experiments out there?

I don't know.

It's like a mutant platypus.

Imagine if they created an animal and just said, let's just let it loose and see how long before people find it.

I got a house in South Carolina, and it's like a second home. And I started getting into, like, looking at, like, old houses, like, old plantation houses, to see. Like, when they would come up for sale, I would go look just to see, like, what, you know, because I was into the history. And I looked at this one that was on St. Helena Island.

No.

It's, like, you know, five miles from where I was just at. It's filled up with rhesus monkeys that all have herpes.

Oh, I have heard of this.

They feed them by, like, dropping shit from a helicopter. Like, if you go to the island, you have to, like, you know, quarantine for months. Because there's, like, these viruses that are just rapidly mutating on the island.

Oh, my God.

Well, maybe the Unabomber would have been more chill if he had an island versus a cabin.

He'd probably just be shooting people from the island.

Just messages in a bottle.

Long-range rifle from the island.

You could have just intercepted all his packages. He would never know.

Right. Hey, Ted's sending out packages.

Keep an eye out for him. Yeah.

It's funny that his brother recognized that it was him. His brother read the manifesto and go, oh, I know who the fuck this is.

He must have some, like, really, some vocal tic that just drives his brother, you know, like, you know, drove him nuts. And he's like, fuck.

Well, his brother was a part of the documentary. His brother recognized what happened to him. You know, that his brother knew about the childhood, the medical issue that he had, where they couldn't touch him for months. So his brother knew he was fucked.

Well, see, if they chose him to, like, humiliate on LSD, there must have been someone that they, like, praised endlessly. Right. On LSD. And maybe that's, like, where.

That's Manson.

That's, yeah, exactly. That's where you get the cult leader. That's David Koresh and Manson.

Well, they definitely did something with Manson, too. Did you ever read that book Chaos by Tom O'Neill? Have you heard of it?

I have it, but I haven't read it. I buy a lot of books I don't read.

It's good on tape, if you want to just listen to it.

Okay, that's a better idea.

Which makes it way easier.

Yeah.

It's a bananas book. And the guy who wrote it is my friend's neighbor. So my friend Greg, who I started comedy with, Greg Fitzsimmons, was neighbors with this guy in New York, and then neighbors with him in Venice. And this guy has been writing this one fucking story for 20 years. He got hired to write it as, like, an anniversary piece on the death of the Manson murders.

It's insane.

It's insane. And that's what they used to pass, that Psychedelics Act in 1970.. That's those same tactics. The whole idea was stop the anti-war movement. Stop the civil rights movement.

It's crazy.

This is our government.

We worked at a studio last year in Los Angeles that apparently Manson recorded a bunch of stuff at. And it was crazy because the studio, it's called Valentine Studios, this guy built it, like, in the early 60s. He was a Capitol Records producer. And he built his own studio so he could do shit outside of Capitol Records. And I guess he's into jazz.

Capitol Records is famous, world famous. It's got these echo chambers that are unique to it and very special. And he had the blueprints for the originals and just created copies of the studio.

And apparently, as the music scene turned more to rock, the guy just got completely fed up. Because he was used to cutting four songs in a day, and now they've got a bunch of stoners working on one guitar solo for eight hours. So apparently he just mothballed the place in the early 70s. And used it as a storage facility. He was into cars, he was into those little Nash Metropolitan cars.

Have we ever played Manson's music?

Yeah, I think once.

Can we play it? Would that be a problem with Spotify? There's no way that someone owns a copyright to Manson's music.

100%. someone owns a copyright. Definitely would own a copyright too. Did Guns N' Roses put a cover of one of his songs on a Spaghetti Incident album?

Did they?

I think they might have. I know that a lot of punk rock guys became millionaires because of that. It's all punk covers.

Charles Manson, Guns N' Roses.

Yeah.

Wow.

That would have generated hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Yeah!

Okay, okay, okay.

Boy. Pretty great stuff.

But that's Guns N' Roses covering it. I wonder what the real album sounded like.

Did we open for them a couple months ago?

Guns N' Roses?

Uh-huh. At the Hollywood Bowl. And the whole deal was their friend came to us and was like, this would be cool. They'll play for an hour and a half, you'll play for an hour. You'll go on at 7.30..

Neither of us have ever played the Bowl.

Yeah, so it was perfect. Then we fly away to L.A. and our set time is 6 p.m.

And then they played for three hours.

And they played for three hours. But the craziest part of the whole thing was that I lit a cigarette up backstage and there was no smoking.

Did he quit?

I don't know. We didn't get to meet them.

You didn't meet them? No.

What?

I know, it was weird.

That's crazy.

I know.

I met Axl Rose in a restaurant in Greece just randomly. I was eating at this restaurant and my friend comes by and goes, that fucking Axl Rose is sitting over there. I'm like, shit, we're going to have to walk by him. It's that weird thing where you say hi to someone, you don't know if they know who you are. But luckily he did.

I'm sure he's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. I met him one time. He's real cool.

He's very cool. But he gets bothered a lot. So I was worried that I was going to bother him. Because my friend had bothered him already.

We were at a restaurant this past summer in Madrid. We were playing a festival.

So we just picked this random restaurant. Yeah. For lunch.

It was like 5 o'clock. And we got sat next to Flea and John Frusciante.

Right next to their table.

Right next to them. And I was like, should we? They were sitting there having the most nerdy conversation. Like, if you augment the seventh. And we were just like, whoa, my God.

What?

And they're like, we're germaphobes. And I was like, aren't these guys like legendary? Freaks. Ex-heroines. Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Germaphobes.

They don't shake hands?

No. No.

That always weirds me out. Like the Howie Mandel thing. He weirds me out. Does he bump knuckles? still?

Maybe we need to invent a new form of greeting each other.

Well, the handshake is fine. It's a good one. You know why it's good? Because if you hang on too long, it's weird.

Yeah.

That's why it's good. Because it's like an intimate gesture. There's a gesture. We're touching skin. But only for a little bit.

I like how Trump does the thing where he just pulls everybody.

Dude, he got me.

Dude.

That motherfucker got me. Let me tell you something. I was ready for it the first time. First time I met him, first of all, he has normal-sized hands. I have big hands.

Did he try to pull?

Dude, I'll tell you what happened. I'm sitting down, and he looks at me, and he goes like this. And he gets up and starts walking towards me. And I get up, and I reach over with my hand, and he gets me.

And I'm over his table.

I'm over his table. He really fucking got me. He got you. He got me good. He got me good.

He used your energy against you.

Is this the time where he gets me? Yeah, I don't know. Let me see.

Look at you, dude. You're shaking a little bit.

I'm anchored. I'm anchored. Well, I'm resisting. There's a lot going on there. You know who got mad at me?

I saw that.

Would you be okay if I shook Biden's hand? Are you paying attention?

You might crush his fucking fingers.

He tried to get you, though, with those fucking bony old broomstick hands. I'll tell you right when I was younger, I fucking shook the shit out of your hand.

Just come up behind you and sniff your head.

Bro, I'd love the gas lighting. There's this one guy that I follow on Instagram. I only follow for gas lighting, and he's this hardcore Democrat dude. And he was talking about how amazing Biden's State of the Union speech was and how inspiring it was. It just really feels so good about things right now.

They definitely had him on a drug cocktail.

We were trying to figure out what cocktail he was on.

I'd like to know.

I want to get on it. I want to try it.

I want to know.

It's probably the Hitler.

He's probably been in bed since the speech.

Right? Just eating ice cream, trying to recuperate.

Body's fucking zapped.

Bro, what are they giving him?

What are they giving him, and what does it feel like?

I would imagine, if I was going to dose up the president, if they brought me an amateur pharmacologist, I would say, vitamin B12.

Wouldn't some old-fashioned meth just—.

Not enough. Not enough. He needs his body to have at least some resistance to what you're going to throw at it, to try to make him articulate. I would give him a lot of things. I would give him growth hormone.

Dude, he's come to the podium looking like Swamp Thing.

NAD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Just blow him up. Let's go.

That would be a good supplement company. It was like, we're going to give you the authentic JFK. Yeah. Here's the JFK cocktail. Yeah.

JFK, apparently, that was Dr. Feelgood. Really? Dr. Feelgood was a doctor that they would call upon.

Miracle Max.

Elvis's doctor.

You can have historical figures' favorite drugs.

Yeah. Yeah, give me the Biden.

Yeah.

Give me that Biden cocktail. What are they doing? What JFK did not know was that the injections were actually powerful doses of a combination of highly addictive liquid methamphetamine and steroids. So that's what I would give him. See, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah.

I know these things. I should be working for the White House.

I'm sure there's B-12 in that shot, too.

That's what my appointment would be for the Trump White House. I'd be the new Rachel Levine.

You'd be the new Dr. Feelgood.

Get me in there, and it'll fucking straighten everybody out.

The supplements are.

And I've got everybody on edibles. I want the whole staff to be terrified all day long. You should be.

Everybody's got a slant board by their desk.

Everybody's doing fucking knees-over-toes squats. I'd have a hot yoga room there. Let's go. Kettlebells all over the fucking White House. Let's go.

Big fucking, Onnit banner. Yeah.

Between the collars. Teach them all archery.

What's this about, Mickey Mantle?

Mickey Mantle. For a case of the flu. Oh, you got the flu? Let me give you some heroin.

Man.

Yeah, you got to be careful. If the person telling you how to be healthy is a fat slob, not good.

And it's really common.

It's really common at doctor's offices to, like, see a bunch of unhealthy nurses.

Doctors used to smoke. They used to be in there with a fucking cigarette.

My dad walked into a door in the middle of the night in, like, the mid-70s, broke his nose.

It's probably not coming back.

It never came back.

No, he still can't. My dad can't smell. Whoa. Yeah, he'll be like, you know, he can't smell at all.

Just from a broken nose?

Yeah, it's like, you know, when you taste with your nose pinched. That's what it is. So he can taste, like, hot sauce a little bit.

Oh, man, that's gotta suck. Imagine not smelling bacon since when.

When did that happen?

It happened before I was born.

That's crazy.

I was born in 80.

I used to love that smell. I used to love that. Well, I was a gearhead when I was a kid.

I've got a barn with the motorcycles, and that's the first thing my son says. He's eight years old. As soon as he gets in, he's like, oh, my favorite smell.

Kids love the smell of gas.

What is it?

They love markers, too.

Like Sharpie?

They do, they do. Have you ever seen the photos of all the people that have been arrested for huffing? It's amazing. There's, like, a compilation. They all have fucking silver all over their face.

Yeah.

Well, a lot of the proponents have died off.

Wow, they all kind of have a little sparkle in their eyes. That guy.

That guy's been busted, I believe, more than once for huffing.

Oh, my God.

It's just fucking, so silly.

You know those guys that stand on the corner in, like, the painted suits? Like, the gold suits? They just look like they were just blowing those dudes.

Well, those dudes, how toxic must that shit be? You put that shit on your body all day? Silver paint?

By the way, what a stupid fucking thing to do. What's your time?

Yeah, not a good one. Look at this guy.

Didn't someone, on, like, the set of, like, a Bond film, die from being painted all in gold? Really? I think so, in the 60s. Like, yeah.

Urban legend.

I mean, it's an urban legend, but I think it might be true.

The internet kind of fucked up urban legend.

It definitely did. There was one that someone sent me about Einstein's chauffeur being smarter than him.

Yeah, that was going around yesterday.

No, no. I sent it immediately. I sent him the fucking articles, disproved them. That's not true. Here it is.

It's a myth. Ah, she's good.

What was the whole idea? Was she supposed to be a gold human? Was she an alien? What was she?

I don't know. Those movies kind of blow.

I mean, they suck. They were really into painting naked women's bodies in the 60s in movies.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. Well, that's the weird hack for hoes, that you can go out in public with your titties painted. Like, a lot of gals will use that as an excuse to walk around topless, like for Halloween.

Yeah, it's probably a way to avoid censors. back then. Paint them rather than show it. Hmm.

Yeah.

Probably. Yeah.

Censors. So that's not true, huh? Fuck.

It would have been a fun one.

Yeah, it's weird. When you start finding these things out, you've just been living a lie.

Have you guys heard of those ladies that used to paint loom on watches? Oh, yeah. What is it called? Radium? Radium.

Yeah. I mean, my mom has a bunch of that fiesta wear. We used to eat off that all the time. Apparently, you know, the red is, like, highly radioactive. It's true.

Did you get any superpowers?

No, I'm just.

Nobody gets superpowers.

Dude, my brother gave me.

He does have a superpower. He can guess people's birthdays.

I mean, it's not really a superpower. It's just...

It's pretty.

How good are you?

I can guess within three years, I think, for anyone.

Oh, within three years?

Yeah.

Oh. So you're guessing their age.

Yeah. But I can do historical figures. I don't really know who they are. I mean, it's not 100%, but I've been pretty close.

With their birth date?

No, like, their year.

Their birth year.

Okay.

1968.

67.

Just name anybody else.

Okay. Marlon Brando.

That's good.

Goddamn, dude.

Wow.

How the fuck do you do that?

That's pretty impressive.

Let's just keep it 100% accuracy. I don't... Do we... We made our new record collaborating with people.

The rest will be gravy. But we got what we need. We got out of the trip.

The second day, we got on the game. And the third day, we got a song called Only Love Matters. But the fourth day, we showed up and were like, we are not fucking pressing it.

Let's not push our luck.

Let's not fuck this up. So we just spent the whole day just bullshitting with him.

Yeah, I got it. You've been rock solid so far this show.

That was such an amazing feeling, being in the room with him. We cut it in the studio called Tow Rag. And the live room is this size. Like this room. So Pat's drum kit's here.

Wow.

It's amazing that you guys could put together a song.

It is the best feeling. It's so addictive. It's the most addictive thing ever. It's gotta be. Being able to get in the studio and make something out of nothing like that.

The fact that you guys can do that in four hours is just insane.

That was the thing ever since we met. We've been able to do that. Ever since the first fucking time we got in a room together. He had a four track. And it instantly sounded fucking fun and cool.

You guys are like one of my favorite origin stories for bands. Just like the way you guys work together. The way it works. That you've known each other forever. It's just, the whole thing is awesome.

We've got this doc that's coming out at some point. That's cool. We premiered it last night. But it was cool. All the footage that the director found.

Yeah. Stuff I didn't even know existed. Some of the shit I didn't even remember at all. And there's video of it. It's crazy.

The cool thing about.