Chapter 8: Sunday Dinner

While this is the last chapter of the season, my story is far from over. I will be posting updates of season two and bonuses on my Instagram. at brittany.ard. I'm also sharing my daily life. I'm not for everybody, but if I'm for you, keep listening.

We have some great bonuses and teasers coming. If you have a moment, please post a rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Reviews are so helpful. And with that, I give you episode eight.

How much did your sister worth?

I'm Brittany Yard, and this story is mine.

I've approached all my relationships since Granny died as being willing to get hurt, being open to the fact that if I'm not authentic, and I don't actually show people my soft spots, I won't truly have a connection. And going into this relationship with Kanan, I made sure that I did that. I wish I could say that I regret it, but I don't.

This wasn't the bright, vibrant Brit that we know. She was just stuck.

For the first 40 years of my life, I just pushed through. Last week in therapy, my therapist was saying that when we had talked about me becoming a more vulnerable person, he didn't expect me to full-send it and share it with anyone that would listen.

After talking to these other women, especially face-to-face, it really became apparent that he fucked me up. In my brain, I went into that relationship wanting to be vulnerable and open and honest about who I was and what I expected and probably felt like I had done everything right. The vastness of his lies and behavior was something I could focus on, because it was just so crazy. I never took a moment to grieve the loss of that not working and it not being what I expected it to be. In order for me to continue to want to show up in relationships the same way, I needed to grieve the loss of that relationship.

I want a partner that is, like him, just actually a human. There are so many other women that have had these experiences with Kanan. I can't keep trying to find them. There's not enough hours in the week to do that, but I hope that if any of this resonates with someone, they do reach out. The whole goal is that we all get something positive out of this, even if it's just friendships with each other, but figure out how to move forward in our lives and not have these things happen to us.

At this point, I don't know where Kanan is. I don't know what he's doing in his life. We have attempted numerous times to reach out to give him a chance to talk. He doesn't want to.

Hello? Hello, is this? Yes, hi. I got your number from a woman named Britt. I'll just tell you briefly why I'm calling.

I'm a producer. Oh, huh. I have tons of questions for him, but I wouldn't believe any of his answers. It doesn't really matter what he has to say at this point. It's not part of my job to answer those questions.

Just like my dad had a bad feeling about Kanan, I believe that if Granny would have met him, she would have figured out very quickly that he wasn't who he said he was and probably saved me a lot of heartache. She had a very low tolerance for bullshit.

She was very young when she had my dad.

No thinking.

And everybody, of course, would just kind of stop.

She had it, but it always took her a few dabs to get it to work right.

So, to the left.

But it really quickly became my favorite three hours of the week, even through that teenage time, and it just grew.

Thankfully, Brianna is, and when she shows up, she fixes the table. Knife and then spoon are on the right side, fork is on the left side. Knife, you want to face in, so you don't want the blade facing out. And all the bottoms of the silverware are lined up, so you have the plate, and then it's all lined up, so you're going to put the glass right there. I keep showing up late, and then I get there, and I'm like, okay, I'll fix it all.

now. You're doing it wrong. I mean, they're doing a great job. They're doing the best they can. Everyone kind of has their role, and I know what.

five people are going to be helping with dinner. Braylee would help me set the table. My dad will immediately walk in the back door, grab the paper bag and the potatoes and start peeling.

She fed us, all of us, all the time. I mean, it was just, I guess her love language was, you know, feeding people. And it wasn't like this elaborate meals. It was just good food.

After Granny died, I wasn't able to just push through. I really had to sit in grief as physical pain. I was losing another woman that was so important in my life.

My dad and I both handled the grief after Granny died. After Braylee's death, by getting busier.

The depth of that loss was bigger than any person should sort of have to experience. The next week was a blur, and a day turned into a week, a week turned into a month, and then, a year later, it's like, we have to clean out this apartment. It sat for a year, untouched. It was my dad's apartment building, so we could.

Initially, it was because we still had private investigators and stuff investigating this guy and talking to the police. Like, we were hoping that they were gonna be able to investigate this crime scene, because it looked like a crime scene. Overturned furniture, and there was a lot of things in that apartment that were not typical or right.

I think I'm the one that was like, we can't leave it there forever. There was a part of me that wanted to learn more about her, and the only way I really could was to go through her apartment and to see the stuff that she didn't share.

I think I was looking for answers. I think maybe I was hoping that I was gonna find something in there that resolved something for me, or confirmed something, and it didn't. It actually only made it worse, but there was so much that I did learn about Braley.

I guess cleaning out anybody's space would be, you learn some stuff that you probably didn't wanna know. We kept so much stuff from there, and we just have boxes of clothes and things that at the time, you know, you don't wanna get rid of. We probably would've left it untouched forever. I'm glad we didn't, because I really think it helped us accept that she wasn't coming back.

I didn't have the courage to read all of the things that she had wrote, and I still don't. That building had been in our family since the 1960s. I bought that property off my dad, and demolished the building.

It sounds like, who the fuck would tear down a building, you know, because their sister died in it? Like, who does that? But in our family, we tear down buildings all the time. I was in the excavator, demolishing it.

The building itself is just wood, and bricks, and concrete, and a thought somebody had. The home part is who you're with. I mean, tearing down the building, it felt good. That apartment and that building wasn't Braley. That building no longer had that family connection for us.

So, we redeveloped it, and made it something beautiful.

I still don't think I've dealt with Braley's death. I don't think it's something you just get over one day. I don't think that's how grief works.

The most beautiful thing to me about grief is that we don't get to have it. It doesn't get to be so painful, unless we had the love before.

My dad and I were out front of the building, talking about some landscaping stuff, we're arguing about which type of hedge that we want to put in the backyard, and this hummingbird came and, like, circled us, and then just left. And I didn't see it until it was flying away.

He sort of smirked.

444 is everywhere. I dropped off my boots to get the heels replaced, and my ticket was 444.. Everywhere. For some reason, in the last, like, three weeks, it's been everywhere. Like, seven or eight times a day.

I will once or twice a year. But I literally will pull up and, like, toss flowers, and then I leave, because that's not Braylee. That's not Granny. That's not where I feel their presence.

I think that that's why we keep coming back every Sunday.

I don't know that my story is gonna have the fairytale ending.

I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me to get it.

Our associate producer is Kareem Kiltow. Sound engineering by Chris Young and Sean Simmons. Graphic design by Nigella Shama. Opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. If you wanna know more about Britt, follow her on social media.

You can find her at brittany.

ard on all platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also, give us a rate or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Bye.