#612 - DOUG STANHOPE

You can go to that website at sunsetstripatx.

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10 years in the making, let's go.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get Up For Tony.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Make some noise for Redman, everybody. We've been doing this show together for nine years and two weeks.

Nine years and eleven months and two weeks. Actually, this is the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball peanut butter whiskey, which presents guys, you heard them, how about a hand for the fucking band?

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Come on, are you guys fucking ready for a great show or what?

Every single week I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. Ladies and gentlemen. The return of one of our favorite comedians in the world, one of the best of all time. Doug Stanhope, everybody.

You said that there was only going to be you and me, and I go. Well. I don't like that because it's usually like a bunch of fucking guys and I can just lay back. Red Band's always here. Unfortunately, last time you were on the show, you kissed me on the lips and that was the first time I ever kissed a man. I'm going to close on that tonight. The point is. I thought I was going to be alone with Tony Hinchcliffe and I was afraid. And I wanted a chaperone. And I'm glad you're here and I'll kiss you again.

I'll let you kiss me this time, you can be the top hi, welcome.

Doug Stanhope of the Doug Stanhope podcast. They also have a patreon. I highly recommend subscribing to that. We all do. We're huge fans.

Doug, we love you. Wait a couple months, don't sign up right away.

Marketing genius Doug Stanhope is here.

Doug has been on the show multiple times. You know how it works? For those of you, that might have been dragged here by your podcast-loving boyfriend and have no idea where you are. Over 200 souls wait in the dark, cloudy alleyway behind this club right now. Hoping that I pull one of their names out of this bucket for them to get. 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then, or else. They bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and interrupts their set.

And then I ask them a bunch of questions, we find out about their life all at once, all together. It's all improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Well, your first comedian out of the bucket is going to be Travis Pizzabalisky. Something like that, we're going to get it.

But before he comes up, we are going to start the show with one of our regulars, everybody. This young man famously started the show exactly two years ago. I remember because this is the two-year anniversary of my cancellation. Everybody, thank you.

This young man, we've seen him start from scratch, build an entire career, become addicted to cocaine, fix his career, have some troubles, fixed it again. We don't know what's going to happen. Every week, a brand new minute from the one and only. Sing along if you know the words This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

H-a-n-s, this is Hans Kim.

What's up?

Hello, it's good to be here. My name is Hans Kim and I'm dating a white woman. Thank you, white man.

It's great dating a white woman. I got Asian dudes coming up to me in public, thanking me like, I'm in the army.

Thank you for your service. It's good to see representation in white pussy.

Love white pussy. There's so much space in there.

I've been where a few Asian men have been before. I'm just in that shit, just naming things.

White pussy, I'll call this the dragon's den.

Love the election season coming up, I can't wait to decide which 80-year-old I'm going to vote for. Does it worry anyone else that the only people they let run for president don't have a future?

I wonder what that means.

Okay, thank you. hell yeah, saved by the cat. Hans Kim. how you doing hans good Tony.

Hell yeah, okay, it's good to be here, you all right?

Yeah, you used your burner shit on the Oh Stan hope. fuck him. I'll use the burner easy. I'm sorry, fail shit.

I thought it was good.

I have bad taste. What's been going on this week? Hans? I recently went with my girlfriend to Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday. Oh, I know what that means. Back to old habits, huh?

No, I'm cocaine free. My nose is still virginal. I got a beautiful, pristine. you know, virginal means that there was never anything up there, right?

Not two or three weeks off.

I'm born again.

So what did you do in Vegas? I mostly tried to make sure my girlfriend wasn't cheating on me. Well, didn't you go with your girlfriend? yes.

So how would she cheat on you if you guys are together? Like a quick blowing in the bathroom? does she do that sometimes? No, never. Is that how you met?

I'm new to the show, it's great, I love it, we like it like that. Is that how you met her?

Pretty much how did you meet her? tell us? I don't think we've ever even covered this story. How did you meet her?

It was after a show I did at the vulcan where I was headlining. And then she came up to me and she was like, Oh my God, you're so cool and hot and sexy. And her boyfriend was trying to make sure she wasn't cheating on her. While she blew you in a bathroom, yes, did she blow you in a bathroom when you met her? No, she was just like, Come fuck me in my kitchen.

That was a very misogynist joke.

Yeah, right, over the dishwasher, right?

And then she fell asleep. Okay, hold on. Where in the kitchen did you have sex with her? We haven't done it, we've only done it in the bed and the couch.

But you said that when you first met her, she told you to come fuck her in the kitchen. Yeah. And then I was like, I got to do a podcast real quick. And then she fell asleep. And then we met three weeks later, and then we had sex.

Okay, you guys ever show each other emotions, you ever have a serious conversation with her about anything, or do you just fuck? I just picture you fucking and then coming, and then fucking again and then coming. Is there anything more to that?

Yeah, we're like, I won't cheat on you, you won't cheat on me now. Hans, you've said this already that you are so worried, like on a previous episode, that you're so worried about her cheating on you. I mean, this does not seem like a healthy relationship at all.

It really doesn't. Would you consider yourself a little bit insecure? yes?

Have you been like this with other girls in the past, or is it just because you're dating a white woman? That's way above your league, that is probably a lot of it. Do you think she knows that she's way above your league?

I mean, you keep telling her.

Well, here's the thing.

Around the fifth or sixth bucket draw. I'm going to go out and talk to her on camera in the alley, and I'm going to explain a lot of things to her. Especially, you know what a headliner really is.

It'd be an honor if you could have sex with my girlfriend. it would be an honor for me too if I could.

Am I on the verge of doing the impotent old man jokes? I'd love to be able to service her myself, but my junk doesn't work. Hello, thank you for having me.

Oh my god, anything else crazy going on in life? Hans? I tried to take my goggle to a pool party in Vegas. your goggle? yeah, my swimming goggles.

You said it in the singular form in the beginning, like you had a single goggle that you're swimming with underwater. It's like a swim monocle, yeah.

Like Unigoggle.

Unigoggle.

I was like, I have sensitive eyes, it's a medical condition and they let me bring it in. It's a race.

So you took goggles to Vegas with you, yeah.

Party machine dude, I don't even know that was a thing, so you wore your goggles. You're just swimming underwater, while other people are in Vegas, just swimming around you. Yeah, you get to see things.

You're a real party machine, Hans, I love it. Anything else I'm doing great.

I'm doing great, thank you guys so much. Okay, there he goes. Hans Kim, Everybody, thank you.

I really love Hans, that was Hans, Kim Hans, I love you.

Sean Tai is going to be after your next comedian, which is Travis Pizzabieski.

Pizzabieski, Travis, Pizzabieski, Here he is, everybody. make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Travis Pizzabieski. All right, so I'm going to get right into this.

Anybody in here grow up fat? Yeah, yeah, I was fatter, talking like 5'4, 220, no neck.

You know, just chin connected to titties, you know? I told a friend once that I had tits growing up, he's like, Oh, you had kid tits.

I'm like, no dog. I had woman breasts. Yeah, yeah. I lost a lot of weight when I was 17, but I still had these titties, you know? So I got them surgically removed. But it just left these two big ass scars on my chest, you know? So it's like a weird situation.

I want to own my body, I want to be able to post a shirt. Let's pick to the gram. But I also don't want to look like I'm appropriating trans culture.

You know?

Sticky situation being cisgendered but trans passing.

You know, I got to say the worst part about it, too. It was a bad surgery, so I still got all this loose skin on my chest, you know? So I'm like, jealous, you know, Elliot Page looks like a man.

I just look like a melting snowman.

And like, you know, I'm like, salty. Because a lot of gender affirming surgeries are covered by insurance now. But, like, my shit wasn't. But I think they both should be, you know, go ahead, finish it.

Finish it, you know, because I think they both should be. I consider mine gender affirming because it's like, I get it. You want to start being called Justin? I just wanted to stop being called Jugs.

Thank you guys so much, you were great.

Travis Prezebeski How do you say that? All right, so the American version is Prezebilski. But I've been trying to get in touch with my roots.

And the Polish pronunciation is przybilski.

Przybilski Yeah, with a little p to start it off, the Przybilski wow, it's obnoxious.

I know Przybilski, we are dumb. Yeah, it really is, yeah.

Okay, so let's talk about it. You had the fat surgery. I had the fat surgery. yeah, when did you have that?

When I was 17, my senior year of high school, I had two surgeries. Actually, God, you were 17. Did you ever think about fucking like, walking or something? Well, no, no, no.

I had lost.

Like, what kind of lazy fuck is? Just like, just give me the surgery? No, no, no, I had lost....

I was going to eat pizza until you gave me the fucking surgery. I mean, yeah, I do love pizza. I lost a lot of weight, but I just had already developed these titties that were just like these big, juicy Bahama mamas that didn't want to go away. So I had, like, I was skinny, but I still had the titties. How big were they?

Were they bigger than her titties right there? I mean, they were on par. I bet his mother didn't make him push him up to her fucking chin.

All my friends did, though. No doubt. Here's the thing as an I'm going to just do the old man, I'm going to be Jackie Mason all day.

I love it, I love it, we love it. This is my day. When someone would tell you that they had breast surgery, they would like to show.

Would you like to?

I'm doing fucking Gilbert Gottfried. This is my living nightmare. Would you like to show your tits? Here we go.

I'll be.

All right, I'll be fucking careless. Bart Chrysler Fuck it, yes.

Oh shit, Tig Notaro did it.

Here come the tits, Here come the tits, Here come the tits, Here come the tits.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

In my day, we would also motorboat.

MIKE Stan BARRIER We'll link up, no doubt. Yeah, you're about to get he too'd right now.

This is incredible.

Fucking gorgeous they really are. It's all right that one's a little bit sadder than that one.

You slept with a mother of three. That one's I have feeling in this nipple, not in this one. Wow, no doubt.

Yeah, I would have guessed, I would have guessed the opposite, that one, that one looks like it has the feeling.

It's not very.

You would have wasted all your candle wax on the wrong nipple.

They fucked them up. I told you, dude, hold on. For the record, Matt Muehling never talks, and when he does talk, he never speaks into a microphone.

But he literally had to tell you that they fucked your tits up, but he seems happy with them, so imagine how fucked up they must have been before. Can I tell you? yeah.

The first surgery was to take the fat out, and so they fucking went around my pepperonis and fucking took the fat out, right? The second surgery was to remove the skin. But we didn't have that much money.

And I felt bad about it, so I did local anesthesia for that. Where are you from? What the fuck?

Where are you from? Local anesthesia? It was a mistake. I'm from New Jersey, Westfield, New Jersey.

Ah, the old New Jersey local anesthetic. Nowhere better to get your home brewed, home brewed, a fucking discount surgery dude.

Did you go to a fucking dentist for that? What did you, orthodontist? But close my God, you could be on every show on A&E.

Kind of the fat people thing, botched ice road truckers, I kind of see.

You have, like, the whole prime time A&E line up right now. I see a little fucking honey, boo boo in your eyes. It's Barf Kreischer. Oh yeah, there he goes, he's the sleep apnea machine, everybody.

Wow, incredible. Do you hook up with a lot of women? Do they see those? and they go, Should I suck on those?

I mean, you know, I did alright. I got a girlfriend now. I've been with her six years and she's she'll get down and dirty with them sometimes, you know?

Okay, it's more for her than me, but, you know, right, yeah, hell yeah, okay.

What do you do for work? So I work in a restaurant and I also do some acting work. What type of restaurant do you work at? What do you do at a restaurant I serve and bartend?

It's an Israeli restaurant, it's called Laser Wolf in Brooklyn. Oh cool, hell yeah, yeah.

My goodness, do you ever think about bartending shirtless at Laser Wolf? You know, I might float it, I might float it by and say, you know, I don't know. I don't know how they'll feel about it, though.

I think it would be a hit.

I'm just full of good ideas, so I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over two years, consistently, a little over two years.

All of it there in New York. Yeah, was it all about your tits? My first, like five, was about just being fat. I just added the trans-passing stuff though, like in the last couple months.

That's like, pretty fresh. Yeah, yeah, very nice. You look like you would drink, bud, not so light.

Bud heavy baby, yeah, there you go. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about before? I? Yeah, actually, I just found out recently I might be ethnically Jewish on my dad's side.

Oh, wow.

How did you find this out? I'm stupid and I never like ask questions, but I always knew my dad's mom came from Poland and lost like toes to frostbite and shit. Yeah, so I actually pried for the first time last week and it turns out. She came as an orphan when she was seven in 1939, with a group of other people. And just like, ended up in an orphanage when she got to New York. And I was like, Dad, do you think that?...?

We could potentially just be Jewish. And she just converted when she got here. I don't know, but it's pretty wild. I got to do a 23andMe, I think.

I found out you were Jewish when you said that you went with the local anesthesia.

Those tits look like Auschwitz, bro, yo.

Yo.

Travis Prezeszewski Congratulations, you're walking out of here with a big joke book from Bones Eye Handmade Texas Leather.

The Rolling Stones logo.

You get dressed by one of the greats, Doug Stanhope.

Very rarely does someone get the honor of being redressed by one of the great comedians only on Kill Tony Live in Austin, Texas.

That's for you, Travis. Have a great day buddy. Great stuff, Travis Przybylski.

Alright, I have to quickly mention, hold on one sec, two or three times. I realized I was swinging around to talk to the comedian and hitting the bass neck of your bass player. And he looked at me, like, Hey, fucking, knock it off.

And even though he can't see, he can see through my soul.

Yeah, sorry about that. I get very nervous when I'm on, Kill Tony, you're killing it. Everybody's having a blast.

You guys having fun out there, alright, one down, many to go. I pulled another name out. Make some noise for Sean Tai, everybody.

Sean Tai.

Mother, Shit, what is good? Alright, alright, cooled him off for me. I appreciate that. Hey, I'm Sean Tai.

I asked Siri for consent before I look up porn because I'm a Christian, and that's what it says to do in the Bible.

I was watching Rogan the other day and he always brings up. He almost got a Huawei phone, you know? I feel like every time he says that some Chinese businessman just jumps off a building. Like, we almost fucking had him, you know, they were this close, we almost, you know?

It's whatever they got us anyway, whatever, fucking.

So I think the word relapse is kind of fucked up, you know, so I always fear about it. I go up to my buddy, I'd be like, Bro, I relapsed, he'd be like, It's alright. We'll get you some help, you know, we'll get you, we'll clean you up.

I'd be like, No man, it's my melanoma. Came back, dude, not the alright. Hey, I'm Sean Tai. Oh boy are you.

I wouldn't have mentioned that again. if I were you, I would have made up a different name after that minute.

Sean Tai Wow. Well, well, well, that's my government name. Let's get right into it, Sean.

I bet it is, Oh, you're still bombing, incredible. I thought the set was over, and you're still trying to make up for it all. Can I ask you, can you tell us exactly how much you drank before this set?

Oh, dude, it's the lack of. I'm not judging. I would never have done comedy if I wasn't my first set on stage. I drank a pitcher of beer.

My first open mic for five, four minutes, you came out and missed the mic stand.

How much did you drink today, Sean? It's the nerves, the weed, the drinking. What did you drink today, Sean? The question is simple. I found a speakeasy.

I don't know what was in that drink, it was really good. Follow my finger, so it's one drink and then over.

I did this once and it was no. I had that. I had probably four drinks since then, but all I had today was a chick-fil-a sandwich, a spicy deluxe, okay?

Shout out to chick-fil-a and that's your Jared Fogle chick-fil-a. That's your new sponsor, sponsor right here. Incredible.

Okay, Sean, let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year, about a year, how many times in a year?

Probably two, three times a month.

I'm from Atlanta, I just moved here. What made you move to Austin, Texas? Chasing dreams? Wow.

It seems like you are not catching up to them whatsoever. The old carrot on a stick right in front of you, you're going to be chasing for a long time. My friend. Has anyone ever told you you're funny?

Let me ask you this, let me ask this question, What do you think referencing your entire life? How old are you, Sean? I am 32, and how long do you expect to live?

We'll decide what's middle age. Take a couple big steps that way. Sean, I didn't think I was going to hit 30, so we hit 32. You're 32 years old.

In your whole life, using it as a reference, what do you think? The funniest thing you've ever done or said is ever, in your life? You're here, chasing your dreams in comedy, in the Mecca of Comedy, Austin, Texas. I'm interested to find out what the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life is. And if you get kicked in the balls on a YouTube video that got 10 million views, that's not you being funny, that's the kicker.

The kicker gets the credit there. Fair, that's cool. Give us an example of a time that you were funny. I officiated my best friend's wedding.

Guess you had to be there?

Are they divorced? Not yet. What did you say during the wedding? First of all, I love that you have created a noose out of the cord. I'm going to invite you to let go of it.

I was hoping it was going to end up around your neck at some point here. What did you say? Someone once told him he could be the next Michael Ian Black, just by the way he looks, as long as he kept his mouth shut. Or I get Adam Scott a lot. I was going to say, a werewolf with leukemia.

Yes, I get that a lot. How recently did you move to Austin? Sean St. Patrick's Day?

Do you only speak in holidays? Yes, what the fuck, the guy from Ireland just came in his pants right then, holy shit.

Absolutely incredible. What are you doing for work here in Austin, Texas? Right now? I'm waiting tables, I quit.

I used to.

Don't name where you work. Good Christ, did you wait tables before? No.

I used to work in the auto industry. what did you do in the auto industry? Drunk?

No, never, ever, except that one.

You almost got a laugh there.

Wholesale, I would buy and sell cars for dealerships on the back end. Sean, let me ask you this Are you good at anything? Do you have any special skills or talents at all?

Ever in 32 years, I can roller blade oh wow in a not gay way.

I grew up in the 90s.

Yeah, okay, and the ukulele I was in band, I played some instruments.

Nothing cool if the first instrument you name is the ukulele. I don't think you're really up to par. Sean, you're leaving here with a small joke book. I find you to be one of the most boring people that's ever signed up for the show. Put the mic back in the mic.

Stand, go, work more, put the mic back where you found it. Sean, you're going that way, Sean, you're going that way.

That's where you came from.

Holy shit, he was about to literally just dive off the stage for a second there. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you've seen two people, three people tonight, three comedians that are literally not mentally challenged in any way whatsoever. And you saw how they did on this stage, and now you're about to see how somebody who's mentally challenged does.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the Golden Ticket winners from Toronto, Canada. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only Jared Nathan, everybody.

A hotel guest found out the hard way recently.

When he was waking up by a hotel night manager, the Hilton sucking on his toes.

I paid $2.

50 for that shit.

He was my coach.

Jared, 15.

Tell them, Jared, Motherfucking Nathan sent you yes.

Like, I got a challenge at Jeopardy and I go, I got the words, they're probably funny, I'll quit while I'm ahead. So you have a foot fetish? You went and stayed at a hotel and you paid $250 to get your feet sucked on?

I got it recently in Nashville. Oh, your story, the news story, I read the news, Tony, you guys read the same news story.

With the fucking Times, Tony Inchcliffe, I must be watching the wrong news. You craned my foot. Special Olympics Forums.

You craned my foot, Oh my god, okay, what? So a guy in Nashville stayed at a hotel and then what?

And the night manager copied his key card and then snuck into his room at night and got caught sucking up his toes. Oh my god for a wake-up call. Oh, look at that.

The boy's such a monster, he doesn't even do the best punch lines during the set. Saves him for the interview. Did you just come up with that?

Just then, for a fucking wake-up call. You're a fucking professional, you're unbelievable, the goddamn machine.

So okay, let's talk about it, Jared, what's going on? what else is happening? Chillin like a motherfucking villain.

I've been doing some speech therapy. TONY Oh, yeah, you probably can't tell, but I can tell, yeah, what did they teach you how to do exactly?

Take a deep fucking breath and let's fucking go.

Take a deep fucking b-b-b-b-breath, Tony, I've been doing fucking.

Breath to the bone.

B-b-b-b-breath. You gotta make fun of me, I gotta make money off this shit, you know, yeah, you are. I didn't even know you had Merch.

That's incredible. He's got b-b-b-b-bad to the bone. bad to the fucking bone.

He's very excited. I'm trying to be legible. Could I get a sneeze guard like at the salad bar, please?

What else is going on? I'm doing cameos. Okay, I thought you were going to say ketamine for a second there? maybe acid? No, I don't touch the ketamine, man.

Very good, I don't like k-holes, fuck that.

That's an honest question. Buh buh buh buh, buh buh buh, happy buh buh buh buh buh buh, buh buh buh buh, buh, buh buh. I just want to say, happy buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh.

Happy motherfucking Birthday Tony Hickman.

Wow.

One take wonder over here.

Absolutely incredible, Jared. Anything else exciting happening? How's your love life going? You find a little, uh, you find a little uh, little girl that took a duck out in Vegas to go have a smoke while her Asian boyfriend was looking around.

Oh, can we please set that up? Can we just fuck with Hans and just have her fucking? Have him just walk around the corner and she's just bouncing her head out of his crotch? We could pay her a lot of money to do that.

What did he do to you?

And how much did you pay him for the hour? I'm a pony man I like, she's not his, okay?

Very good, okay? So what did you do with this girl and what'd you do with the body?

Him until.

Fuck.

Take a step, take three steps. I don't know why everybody's about to sit on Doug's lap tonight, but don't get away, my secret. Okay, all right, he's whispering.

All right, I, I, I, I, I, I didn't, didn't hear a thing.

I like your fucking jacket, who gave it to you, Tony?

It's a great jacket.

I've been officially roasted.

You got fucking d-d-d-d-deep roasted dude. That was Jared. I would love to have you on the Secret Show at Sunset Strip. Hey now Jared Nathan.

There you have it, folks. Oh yes, Arunvir Mangat is gonna be next Arunvir Mangat. I should have picked that before, but I did not.

How about one more time for Jared? Nathan? Everybody, Jared.

Yeah, oh, that's how you do it. You guys, you get a fucking a tall glass. I should have got a fucking tall glass. We'll get you a tall glass of your drink.

I'm just gonna throw an order in now for a double whiskey, splash of coke and a tall glass. And you fucking, I wanna talk to you about your smoking, both of you at one point, but go ahead, pull the next name. Okay, we're actually gonna take a quick little break and you're gonna hear more from the amazing sponsors that make this all possible right now. Hey y'all, the new Kill Merch store is up and running at 1,000 miles an hour. It is our official Kill Tony online shop, Killmerch..com.

T-shirts, hoodies, bones, eye made real Texas leather joke books, Kill Tony hats, Kill Tony Knit winter hats, beer koozies, bandanas, trucker hats. McVader Made posters, some Ryan J. E.Belt art coming in soon and Kill Tony stickers. Come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kill Tony NASCAR shirt, the Kill Tony hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's very high quality. There's a cool KT tag on it with the knife and the logo on everything.

Anyway, go to KillMerch.

Com You know what to do? Support the show, buy some stuff, look cool, tell your friends, you know what's up. All right? Ladies and gentlemen, we are back. Make some noise for your next comedian, Arunbir Mangat.

After this will be Jake Tale, Jake Tale, Jay Weezy. Here is Arunbir Mangat, everybody make some noise for Arunbir, everybody, thank you, thank you.

I do as much coke as I look like I do, I just wanna start off by saying that.

But don't do coke, man. When it comes to drugs, I treat it like, you know, I treat it real feminine. I always say no, but sometimes no means yes. You know what I mean, you gotta do some drugs once in a while.

But listen, this is my second time on stage ever, so I'm just gonna go ahead and cancel myself before I get started. Why Tony look gayer than the guy with the pink coat on right now? What the fuck's going on? Jesus Christ? No, nothing like that.

All right, fair enough.

Come on, Tony, you dress like a gay j.

B. Mooney Out here, man, you don't think so, nah?

Dude, this is my set, man, this is what it is. Baby Jesus Christ. I'm fucking horrible man, but yo listen, I'm gonna be realistic with you guys, man. There's a dude outside with two broken middle fingers saying that Yo Brad....

You guys can prove this, man, he said. He put his fingers up fucking Brad Redman's ass and he cracked them himself, man. So you can go find that out yourself right now.

You just got buried by a retarded guy. Yo yeah, he body me. Still you're horrible in every single way. Everything you thought might even work just absolutely horrendous.

Like, even details like mic control, like you're talking, like, so no one even heard what you said unless you were stuck close to you. Have you ever thought about developing a new way?

Of talking, Maybe wear a Jacksonville Jaguars jersey so people would feel bad for you.

Arunbir Mangat You are the Poorest Man's DJ Khaled. Let's talk about it.

So here we go, what are you? What do you do for work? I'm a mortgage agent in Brampton, Ontario. This is your first time doing standup.

Second, what's the thing on your nose? Oh, I can't breathe. Is that from all the cocaine you do? Oh, he's gonna fucking bring George Floyd into this death.

That set was actually sadder than the George Floyd video. I don't know. It's incredible. My career's gonna end fucking faster than that joke. That's crazy, man.

I can't believe I'm getting canceled before that, you're not getting canceled, you're nothing, you are less than nothing.

Fair enough, you literally have the worst set tonight. A general work can get burned off but never canceled, and a general work can also get burned off using local anesthesia in New Jersey.

Did I ask you always plug in the sponsors? What ethnicity are you? Arunbir I'm Indian, okay, but like the red dot kind, not the woo woo.

Right, right, the unfunny kind, fair enough. What do you do for fun when you're not just doing? What do you do? After you do the cocaine, you literally have done so much cocaine that your nose doesn't work anymore.

No, I don't, man. So what do you do on nights like that? I just fucking jerk off until my fucking wrist falls asleep. How are you able to afford cocaine? I can't say that.

Yes, you can.

Tech support Sometimes we gotta, you know, we have our own supply out there, what?

You deal the cocaine. Sure, that's a yes. You might as well have just said yes, a hundred percent.

Because if you didn't, you would have said, No, no, no, no. What questions can we ask you that you won't lie about? None, none?

This is how all the fucking cowards are, the people that prepare, not at all, and come on and waste everybody's time. You're done. Arunbir Mangat. Everybody, we're going to keep it moving.

There's many other people that want to get up here. After this. It's going to be Daniel Dwan, but first, it's Jake Tale, everybody, Jay Wheezy.

Here he is, Jake Tale. Come on, make some noise, everybody, it's okay, it's a new person, everyone.

We have another chance.

So a young French lady with crabs goes to the doctor. Some old American guy. The doctor asks, Madame, what seems to be the problem? The young French lady says, Monsieur docteur, bugs in the bush.

The old American guy, kind of confused, asks the young French lady, Pardon me, Madame, did you say bugs in the bush? The young French lady says, Oui, Monsieur Docteur, Bugs is everywhere. So the old doctor, kind of puzzled, takes out his prescription pad, writes down directions to the local hardware store for pesticide. Gives it to the young French lady and sends her on her way. About a week or two goes by, the young French lady comes back and the old doctor asks, Madame, did that solve your problems? The young French lady says, Oui, Monsieur Docteur. The bugs are gone, the bush is gone. And my boyfriend's mustache.

Are we getting pranked or something? I loved it in my day in comedy in the Borscht Belt. This is what we did, we told true stories.

What is going on right now? This is a fucking twilight zone episode. Right now, this is an amazing young upstart. I'm trying to get somewhere on my own, like Jackie Mason, but I'm just either doing Jackie Mason or fucking.

I like it. I stole that from Carlos, so don't get too excited. You did, you did. Even he would not steal that joke. I mean, it was absolute garbage.

What would make this is your first time doing standup? First time? No, no, it's not. you're not ever time doing standup. That was not that was telling a fucking street joke.

That is not doing you've never done it. You can never put this on a resume, and they have facial recognition and fingerprints. If you ever put this on a resume, no, they'll find you and kill you, right? Where did you hear that joke?

What made you do that? Are you a fan of the show? and it's the worst fucking street joke? Are you a fan of the show or do you hate us? I can't tell.

Like, it's something that, like an enemy would do, I'm gonna go and Julie, Julie, blah, blah, blah, the t-shirt look, he's wearing a fucking tuxedo t-shirt.

In any of those couple, you never saw anybody come up and do a joke like that, right? They talk about their lives or something about them, or something, right? I thought it was a solid minute, but I guess not.

Okay, all right, try again some other time. We're gonna keep it moving, get out of here.

JAKE TAIL We're flying through them tonight, baby. make some noise for your next comedian. Daniel Duan. Everyone, we're flying through them.

We could set a record here tonight, we're on pace. Daniel Duan everybody.

One more time for Daniel. Everyone, everybody gets a fair shot.

Uh-oh.

What should I talk about, Tony?

What should I talk about? Tony Wester's dictionary defines chink.

As a narrow slit.

Narrow slit or crack from which light may penetrate. So there's a chink in your armor, or you have chinky eyes. You want to tag that, No.

What do you think you signed up for? What do you mean? You don't know who told you to do this? He signs up for every lottery.

What are you doing here? Daniel Duan? What are you doing here? It's a simple question, What are you doing here? Would you rather just sit on this seat and I'll sit in the middle?

No, no, no, because he seems like a stabby, stabby guy. Daniel, stand on the Red X over there.

Listen to the question that I'm asking you. He can reach, he's tall. How did you get here? What are you doing here? Some people prepare to do a minute.

Some people are comedians, they've been doing it and they want exposure. Some people work hard for a couple of years preparing for something like this. What are you doing here? Honestly, I just wanted to see if you would tag the joke.

But it's not even a joke you didn't write a joke. somehow, three people in a row haven't written a fucking joke. I say sometimes in my act, chink in my armor, and then I backpedal, so yeah, I know what it means.

I have a joke, Sorry, have you ever done standup before? This is my second time. What the fuck did you talk about your first time?

Hold on, hold on, Doug. I was going to get canceled. I was going to say, Do you write? Like, really awful fortune cookies for the rest of the people.

Oh.

No, put them together. No, I did.

What was that joke, Daniel? When did you do it? I think Bill Cosby could have slept with 60 or 70 of those women if you could. Just ask nicely.

If Bill Cosby found a woman today, he's so famous, the only person he could really rape would be Helen Keller. Okie, Dokie, Daniel, what do you do for a living? I'm an EMT, you're an EMT.

There's a chance that if something ever happens to one of us, you're the fucking guy in charge of saving our lives. Yeah, yeah, and then what, you just show up and you go, What should I do, Tony?

Are you gonna?

You're gonna give yourself some chest compressions, perhaps, Tony?

Daniel, Get the fuck out of here. No little joke books. Notice that I just don't give these out to anybody. You have to suck at stand-up comedy to get one of these. These people aren't even doing stand-up.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a trip back.

I told you you should cheat at this, we're going, wait, what do you mean? I've asked you a hundred times.

Do you cheat at who you let get?

Well, now I know you should, I know you should, I've been saying forever.

Believe it or not, I've heard there's a lot of conspiracy theories on the internet that the whole thing's like, fucking predetermined. It's unbelievably stupid because there would not be moments like this. Cam Patterson's going to be next after we get to one of our regulars. Everybody. This young man is a goddamn legend. He's going to do a minute of stand-up comedy right now.

I know it for a fact, because he's one of the best, brilliant writer, brilliant comedian, brilliant roaster. Kill Tony's own David Lucas, everybody.

Yeah.

I think 23andMe is a waste of money for Black people.

It is like, I did one of them shits and I got the results back and opened the envelope and all it said was Nigga.

I was like, what the fuck I could have saved $40.?

Because pretty girls take like an hour and a half to get ready before they go anywhere. It's like, why you take so fucking long, bitch, you know, who can be ready instantly? Ugly Betty.

That bitch put on a baseball cap and got in the car, you know?

In an hour and a half, it took you to get ready. I got my dick sucked in a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a.

Boom, that's how it's done. A return to form here on Kill Tony. Second reference for the spicy chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A tonight. That is the second reference.

That really is that is incredible. We have got to get them we out here. Product placement.

Perfectly, it didn't seem like you. Oh, we have to pause for a word from no. Hey, both of y'all niggas dressed like y'all about to go buy a unicorn, I mean.

And you look like you're dressed like you're about to buy a candy corn, so?

Hey, are you selling Lucys? Cause some of them might choke you out?

It's a big, fat black guy joke. Hey bro, you can't talk about the colored people you look like. You inherited Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

And you look like the chocolate factory.

Yeah, hey, are you selling a unicorn by any chance?

Tony, you got the dead skin of a gay nigga on your shoulders. What did you tell him? Some Mexican gay nigga? You cut his booty cheeks up and oh my God.

Your jacket got herpes, nigga. That shit got an outbreak. It's Ostrich. I got to get a tetanus shot after I shake your hand.

I like the military. Look, you're going with. Are you a member of the U.S gravy?

I like to stay out of battles that require spontaneous witticism. Yeah, not my bag. Yeah, we do this every week.

Hey, let them see your outfit, bro. let them see your outfit nigga. No, it's okay. You look like a Kansas City Easter bunny nigga.

This a motherfucker.

Crit walk, crit walk, oh shit, oh shit. This motherfucker got random gumballs in his pocket.

Here you go, little girl.

Random gumballs.

It's just a whole bunch of.

David Lucas absolutely like a dog snatching this motherfucker.

Incredible stuff. The 23 in me was amazing. Did you get a cholesterol result off that by any chance?

Tony I'd love to see how much estrogen you got in your body nigga. I mean, you're the one with the tits, bro. I don't know you got so much estrogen you can get pregnant nigga yo ass.

You're the one that looks pregnant, David.

Fuck that nigga man, what's all that for?

I love it, I love it. What the fuck happened with these last few comics? Dog? I don't know what's going on, Jesus Christ.

I think you're getting punked, nigga. I think I think so, too. It really, really crossed my mind. I ain't going to say who, but somebody just paying random niggas to come up inside.

Some rival podcast fucking, I don't know, remember that one episode, what was the whole episode that was like that? It's kind of like the same shit it's happened.

It's happened before. We're having fun, though. It's a good one, it doesn't matter, the quality of the comedians doesn't really matter.

It shows you how real the show is and how magical everything that we do is. No, the fucking quality shit matter, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, it's only 60 seconds. These people paid money.

No, they didn't pay money for people sit out in the fucking Ethernet or wherever they didn't pay money to see the people. Let's check the quality of that jacket. Nigga, yo ass, it is yo ass got on a breast cancer quilt. bitch, yo ass. This is fucking true.

The jacket is that shit, say Blacker.

At dog fucking thrift stores. Jesus Christ, that's that pimp wear, nigga yo ass. Yes, I'm pimping myself out here to you, the people.

Please follow me on myspace.

Pimping Friendster and pimping ain't easy, and neither is walking up the stairs for David. What else is going on? David? Tony? Really? What? You're sweaty right now?

I am, bro. I ran up those stairs, I heard them bad comics.

His jacket? Some of my best friends are Black people now.

You got a real black jacket now, yeah, David, what else is going on? Oh shit man, you already know, bro.

Just out here killing these shows dog I'm in Philly, soon I'm in Baltimore dog. Y'all make sure y'all get them tickets on my website, absolutely.

DavidLucascomedy.

Com. But that's all we can do, bro, is try to get greater every day. A hundred percent, you know, that's it.

Blowing up, getting bigger. Okay, okay.

Tony, Why you so red? Did a nigga bite you on the ass while you got up here? What the fuck that motherfucker got bit on the booty? Oh my god?

DOUG StANHoPE It's amazing to be next to you bro. I can't even lie. you're, you're. Yeah, I'm waiting for the punch.

No, I'm giving you I rose, but I'm giving you your props. Oh, thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. I fucking, I get on this thing and I want to be mean to people you should.

But no, then he does it and then I go, No. I want to be the iconoclast and be nice to people. But then so many of them suck so bad. They're like, Oh, I see, but but Doug, like on some real shit, bro. Like, the meaner you are to people, the better their future will be.

Because so many comics walk around with a false sense of being amazing, that sometimes they got to come and get humbled by you guys. And that's the only way they can grow as a comedian. Because if these niggas been going to open mics thinking they doing good, I'm talking. When it's a level of okay, that's not a I want to be funny one day, that's a mental illness.

Okay, if I say you're not funny, four kids are going to die in a preschool.

As long as they ain't your kids, I don't worry about that shit, man.

That's why my kids get aborted, but mine are doing better now.

He can fight, the only difference between me and him, I can't fight.

But I'll be gay as hell and black as shit.

You dressed like a gay Black guy on Easter.

I used to really well, he dead now, but I had an uncle named Poo Shine. He was gay as hell, bro, one of the biggest sissies in Macon, Georgia, really.

And he used to bro all his outfits was like this, I fucking love him. Is he still alive? What's his phone number? No, he's dead.

Oh, okay, no, he died of Aids and he died skinny, and that's how I fit into his clothes. Tony even his real name was gay. Yeah, his real name was Virgil.

Oh, shit, that's a gay name. kind of like, Tony. Yeah, yeah, everyone knows Tony's a gay name. absolutely yeah.

All your friends in the hood who have fucking Tony Montana, fucking Scarface posters have to pull them down. Because you said Tony's a gay name, Tony's a gay name, Tony the Tiger, Tony Soprano, Tony Danza, who's the boss of being gay? Tony Danza, all of those Tony's.

You have just ruined your career, you get canceled. Wouldn't that be a great way to get canceled? Like, if I could just wait? No, you said, Tony's a gay name, yeah.

And now we'll know what. Like every fucking ticket he's sold on his tour, like, No, I know a Tony, you gotta see my set. It's hard to cancel me, I say the f word.

No, I'm saying it would be hilarious if everyone who knew someone named Tony just canceled you. that would be a great cancel culture. Like, Oh, he made the joke about, I don't like pop-tarts, I like pop-tarts, and no one went to that guy's show ever.

All right, I'm getting, I'm getting fucking edible is kicking hard.

David, you're a monster. We love you, you're killing it, David Lucas, everybody.

Well.

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Put in a hundred dollars and PrizePix will give you a hundred dollars, put in 20 and they'll give you 20. And that's true. If you look at the screen right now, you're gonna see that I won, they'll give me 20?.

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PRIZEPIX This is just a way to make a fucking living. PrizePiX CodE Tony Ladies and gentlemen, I pre-pulled a name.

It's Cam Patterson. Vic Cedeno is next Vic Cedeno. make some noise for Cam Patterson.

Guys, you have to make noise. It's Cam Patterson's first time on the show.

So I got my very first apartment because of stand-up comedy, and that's great. You know what I'm saying, I love it, but I had I got roaches real bad.

I got roaches, so bad. I got a homeboy, right? He had roaches, but he. I asked him. I said, How did you get rid of them? He said. I just trained them.

And I was like, Nigga, that's not possible, bitch who can't train roaches, but I still train my roaches, because at my house I had three roaches. They'd be on they side of the room.

I'd be on my side of the room, we'd have a good night, wouldn't bother each other. But I bought a girl over one time and there was 72 roaches in my room doing TikToks and shit.

They were making podcasts, nigga, they were moonwalking, they were crazy, right? And at one point, me and this girl was watching a movie and I was killing roaches as I watched the movie. So I watched the movie and I murdered a roach.

Then I watched the movie and I murdered a roach, and at one point she came up to me. She said. Cam, it was a big-ass. it was a big-ass Lizzo Roach that walked into the middle of the TV.

And I couldn't avoid this bitch, and she was like, Cam, it's okay. I got roaches too, and I was like, Eww, bitch, that's nasty.

You dirty slut.

Hell yeah nigga. Hell yeah, yes. what's up nigga? That's a fucking loser. What's up nigga?

The set of the night, absolutely amazing. That's love Nigga. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Two years, two years, two years. Where at Orlando, Florida, I love it.

You live here now, I just moved here. Yeah, unbelievable. I love it. How recently did you move here?

Like, a month ago, Okay, you have a job yet? Yeah, I'm a golf cart nigga, a golf cart guy.

Okay.

I love Black people, bitch.

I said, I'm a golf cart nigga, that's what I do, yes, but I belong to a golfing club. Okay, I know what I can't say was when I work at it, they'll fire me, you know what I'm talking about?

I will never tell you.

Well, then you'll never be my caddy next question.

It's dope. I like this shit a lot. Amazing. So when you say you're a golf cart, n-word Yes.

Talk to me.