#2072 - Stavros Halkias

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I don't know, I think it's their own blend. Some kind of tobacco thing, yeah.

Let's go live and sort this out.

Yeah, come on, you know how podcasting works.

Yeah, we're wasting all this beautiful...

I was recording it, I was recording it. We use every part of the buffalo.

We missed this entire Jamie ordering a half cow.

What's wrong with cows?

Yeah, I love that.

I'm with homesteader, I'm with prepper, Jamie.

Jamie's got canned peaches in his basement.

I just thought it was a Texas thing.

What, getting a half a cow? Yeah. Well, it is. Well, one of the beautiful things about living around here is that there are a bunch of really good ranchers. And you could buy meat from someone who you know, they grew the cow, you know they didn't pump it full of antibiotics and hormones.

I would love a nice looking grass-fed ribeye.

I'm a big fan of the grass-fed ribeyes. Most people are so used to corn-fed. though, you get that pinkish sort of fatty. Do you know the difference between prime? I do not, I do not.

Wait, what's the difference between corn-fed and grass-fed?

Grass-fed is how they normally eat. That's how a cow usually eats. They just eat grass. Okay. But then when they want to really- Plump them up?

The BBL, the BBL of cow trough, is fucking corn-fed. I like my, yeah, a grass-fed is nice. But I couldn't tell you the difference.

They're darker. It's a little chewier. Tastes better to me. I like the flavor more. The BBL, who was the fucking first doctor that was like, I know what to do with this extra fat.

It's genius. It's like how a baby would be a doctor. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, let's put it in their cheeks.

Have you seen one in real life, though?

I have. And it was pretty good. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get them fresh, BBLs are like fish.

Right, like four months after healing.

Some pretty cool stuff. Look at that, man.

Dry-aged beef.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

You gotta let that perfect 30-day mark.

Yes, you scrape off that weird top part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And underneath, there's a nice, bubbly butt cheek.

That makes sense. You really have to concentrate on tightening up your butt cheeks and keeping that forward thrust. Yeah. You don't want to have too much laxity on the back end.

No, no, no.

You want to have a rigid wall. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know? Like you're only going back in, boom, and back in, and back in.

I have to get my deadlift form down, just so I can fuck a girl with a huge ass.

I think kettlebell swings. Okay. It's all in the hips.

Okay, no.

Kettlebell swings. It's a hip hinge. Well, that's what you want to work on.

I think carrying a gigantic stomach has to kind of strengthen the back. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, it destroys your back, too.

But for those 45 seconds where I'm in, those fake butt cheeks, it's pretty good.

Well, I was thinking that about, like, Ralphie. Mae used to have the most fucking gigantic calves, and I was like, Ralphie, if you lost weight, you'd be able to kick through a fucking wall.

Bro, check these fuckers. Have you seen these little bad boys? Let me see these bad boys. This is awesome. This is what I'm coming on the show for.

Let me see the calves.

Would I put them up here? Yeah, up there.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. That's massive.

Look at those.

But it makes sense. Yeah. I mean, you're basically rucking. All day.

What's rucking?

Rucking is like when guys hike with a heavy, heavy, heavy backpack. Oh, yeah. It's great cardio.

Absolutely.

Yeah, you're rucking.

I'm doing a 34-year ruck. We're shedding it any day now.

Bro, if you lost weight, you'd have fucking tremendous leg power.

Oh, yeah. I got to get in there. Burt looks great. He really does.

He sent us a picture today. He's down to 230.. He drinks one day a week. That's it. And he says he's on a strict carnivore diet.

Andrew, do you think his vices will undertake him? He'll fall apart.

Yeah, he's got no chance. He just says he's going to gain it all back. This is the montage. He just said he's going to gain it all back so he can try to lose it again because he needs something to do. Oh, God.

How about being on a constant world tour? Is that something to do, Burt?

Yeah, that seems a little lunatic too. I know. Well, you know, when I met Burt, Burt didn't have any money. And now Burt is rolling in dough. And I just think he just likes that too much and he wants that to keep coming.

I get that.

And it's like, you know, to go from a guy who, you know, really didn't do well on the road to now. all of a sudden, you're selling out clubs, now, all of a sudden, you're selling out theaters. Fucking arenas. Now you're doing fucking arenas. Yeah, dude.

It's insane.

I get it. I get it. It's fun.

Yeah, it feels like, because I did the Fully Loaded tour. I did a weekend on it. It was insane. So much fun. But it does feel like if a guy who was like working funny bones got a wish from a genie to sell out arenas, he would behave the way.

You can't deny him that.

My instinct is to be like, dude, you got to slow down. But I was with him. He's the only one having the best time ever. You know what I mean? It's like he's having the best time in the fucking world.

Well, he has a different constitution than most humans.

It's crazy.

It's got to be genetic. There's something going on there that he must have a long line of people from his ancestry that imbibed in alcohol.

Yeah, absolutely. He could just put it away. No, it's crazy.

And he could put it away and just be hanging out with you. And you're like, how many fucking drinks have you had? Him and Gillis.

Shane's out of control.

Bro, he sat here with Ari, and when Ari tried to go beer for beer with him, and he was 16, 17 beers in, and the guy doesn't even have to slur his words.

No.

Also, he's giant.

He's huge.

He's a big fucking dude.

And also, Ari's got a lot of flesh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ari's a sickly old man.

Ari seems like he's 50 years older than me, and he's younger than me by quite a bit. He's at least 10 years younger than me, right? Yeah. How old is Ari?

Wait.

You think Ari's like 45?.

I don't know. Google. Ari Shavir. He's looking up into the sky.

That search looks like when you Google Ari Shavir, it's probably 49.. 49?. Oh, yeah.

Well, he's a man whose genes are, he should be a rabbi. I mean, he looks like a rabbi.

That's what he was going to do. I mean, he was literally studying the Talmud 12 hours a day. He did the whole deal. He went to Israel, and he was very religious. When I met him, he was just breaking out of that.

How long ago is this?

Boy, when did Ari first start coming to the store?

Look at that. That's not a rabbi. Look at his beard.

The beard's amazing. The beard's so good. The beard's amazing.

His posture.

Yeah. The beard's incredible. Yeah. I think I met him, boy, I guess it had to have been in the 2000s. Makes sense.

Okay.

So that was somewhere around 23 years ago. And Ari was like, yeah, Ari was like 25..

Huh.

And he had lost his religion. I'm not sure, because we didn't really start talking about that until afterwards, when we became better friends. Right, right, right. I just knew him as a door guy at the store. Just a really smart dude.

Yeah. He's smart. Yeah. Before 23 years of destroying his brain.

Well, he's still smart as fuck. But it's like, you know, when you talk to people, for me at least, when I'm talking to like a door guy or an open micer guy, I have all the hope in the world for you. I really do. But there's some dudes you talk to, you're like, oh, this guy's so dull.

Yeah, it's not happening.

He's dull. His mind's not working well. Or he's just like leaping to stupid conclusions. Yeah, yeah. Or he doesn't have a thing.

You try and slip him an HVAC. You never fucking know. A brochure for an HVAC.

You never know. Some of them fucking find mushrooms and crack through.

That's how they do it. It does.

It does happen, right? I've seen some guys, I'm like, he's not going to make it. And they make it. You're like, wow. But you kind of look at him like a salmon going up river.

You're bare food, baby.

But I remember talking to Ari the first time I talked to him. And I was like, oh, this fucking dude's clever. He's smart. And then, once we became friends and he started telling me his background, then I was fascinated. I know.

Yeah, maybe getting pussy for the first time. But, bro. Because he's such a freak. Can you imagine?

Yeah, I wonder when he got pussy. But I think it was when he was like 25.. Yeah. But his fucking special Jew is so good.

Well, that's what I was going to say about this conversation we're having. Not only was it so good and it was, like, so interesting to hear from that, but I also felt like he just scratched the surface. Like, I feel like there's so much more in that, like, self-reflection.

100%. He could do Jew 2..

100%. Jew 2 electric boogaloo.

And he could do it better than anybody.

Electric Jewgaloo. I'm sorry.

Comedy.

Oh, my God. Fucking the text message chain that I have with him and Shane. We have a Protect Our Parks text message chain. And every now and then he'll fucking chime in with a Norman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. These zingers.

His fucking brain works different than anybody's.

Yeah. It's the most like he's just looking for a punt. Always.

Well, he's just a real comedian. Absolutely. I mean, that's what that guy is. You can't get him to do anything else. No.

Dude, his wedding was hilarious. I bet it was. I see it. Like, you can tell, he's a guy who's trained himself on, you know, deflecting, never, like, being emotional, ever being honest. Not honest.

It was like.

I was sitting there. Oh, because he had to be serious.

He had to just be like, tell his wife how he loved her. And he's just like, can I call her gay?

Yeah, he probably would have preferred that. But it was a great wedding. Yeah, women get upset if you don't take that thing very seriously.

Yeah. If you call her fatty in your vows.

That sounds totally like something he would do. And she'd be screaming after it.

It's my special day. He killed it, though. It was an incredible wedding. That's awesome. Yeah.

Weddings are touch and go. They can be great. Schultz's was awesome. Oh, I believe that.

Schultz's was very good. That's a motherfucker that knows how to celebrate.

Yeah, he knows how to put stuff together. He had sushi by scratch. Cater it. It was awesome.

Sushi at a wedding.

That's really good. sushi, too. It was, like, you know, a lot of comics were there. A lot of our friends were there. It was a good time.

That's a great time.

It was in Montecito. You ever been to Montecito? No. Oh, my God.

I don't even know where the fuck that is.

It's in California. It's like in the Santa Barbara area. Okay. It's one of the most beautiful areas of California. And Italian immigrants came there, and it reminded them, I think, of the Amalfi Coast.

Domestic abuse. They started hitting their wives.

Not American, Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the savage ones that got in the boats.

Yeah.

They're different, bro. Italians in Italy and Italians in America are very fucking different. Oh, yeah. It's interesting.

Do you go to Italy a lot?

Yeah, I used to go every year. Hell, yeah. Yeah. This last year, I went to Greece for the first time.

Ooh, where'd you go?

We went to a bunch of the islands. Beautiful. We went to Delos. We went to-.

Go to the temple?

Yeah, we went to all that stuff. Fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah, man. It was fascinating. It's so interesting being in the ruins of a place where these people thrived here 2,500 years ago.

It's fucking wild. It's wild. That's what I love about the, ... Even though it's the thing everybody knows about, go to the Parthenon and go into that neighborhood where it's like you go over those cobblestones, you're like, Some fucking guy, some like 4'8 Athenian who's fucking just going up these steps, fucking fetching water, just having a shitty day, anointed his fucking girlfriend. You know what I mean?

Leather sandals on.

Yeah, leather sandals on. He's running late to his tutoring session, slash, getting molested appointment.

Not only was pedophilia okay, but it was openly discussed.

Yeah.

It's great. They had boy lovers.

Yep. You were made fun of if you continued to get fucked in the ass past adolescence. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you, silly boy.

It's like, what are you? You're being a fucking little kid.

What are you, being a homo?

What are you being? You're being childish, getting fucked in the ass.

Is that true?

Dude, I swear.

Is that documented?

Now, it's documented. I read it somewhere eight years ago, maybe. Good enough. I've been repeating it.

Let's repeat it.

I might have told it to you the last time I was on.

That is so insane, though. But if you go back and read in history, like Socrates. Oh, yeah. How many of these guys had boy lovers?

Probably all of them. Probably all of them. It's fucked up.

What year do people realize that's terrible?

I don't know, like 20 years ago? It's probably about 20 years ago. Dude. No, it's fucked up. And you would read in your sociology books where it's like, there's places where that's fucking, you know, where they're like, we can't, you know, these primitive people that we make contact with are like these people that don't have technology.

Oh, yeah. It's fucking wild. Well, there's New Guinea. Do you know about the semen warriors of New Guinea?

What a fucking epithet, the semen warriors.

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea that when a child becomes six or seven, they take them away from their mother and they bring them to an older man who becomes their anal father.

Their anal father.

Anal father. Okay. And they believe that the only way for a boy to grow strong is that he has to ingest semen in his asshole and in his mouth.

No, both ways.

So these kids are just sucking cock and getting butt fucked from six, seven on. That's fucked up. Yeah, and it's a literal tribal tradition. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Look at my boy. Look how he puts down that cock. You think there's like proud fathers, with a tear coming down his eye?

I don't think they get to watch. I don't know what happens with the dads. I guess the dads, I guess everybody's just used to it. Bloodletting ceremony involves beating the boys with long sticks on their nostrils until they bleed. That way, the woman's tingoo is completely gotten rid of.

They've bred straightness out of their tribe. Jesus Christ.

They've fucking killed them if they don't want to get their mouth fucked.

Dude, how bad would this be if the guy who's fucking your mouth can't get hard? You know what I mean? You're like, all right. He's like, all right, give me a second here. These are the guys just jacking off.

I'm going to go back to my mommy.

Sorry. You better hope you get a real pedophile who's enjoying himself. I bet they're all real pedophiles.

There's no like moral fucking outliers. Yeah. In tribal communities. You're right. That's a fucking rough way to live.

That's the guy you got to suck off?

Yeah. Damn. Yeah, with fucking boar tusks woven into his nose.

That's brutal.

Fuck, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So, do you see that guy? There's a guy in New Guinea, that's, he was kidnapped, and they just made a video about him today, or I just saw it today, I should say, where these guys, there's like 30 dudes around him pointing a rifle at him, and he's some journalist from New Zealand, and they've had him hostage for 10 months.

No, I haven't heard about this at all.

I've seen a story from February of this year.

He's a journalist, and he's there in New Guinea?

Professor from Australia. Is he a professor? I mean, there's actually a couple stories. Oh, there's a fucking, they're kidnapping a shitload of people out there.

That's so ridiculous. Did they kidnap them, or did those guys go there?

That's a good question. You know what I mean? There's stories from, I think once they go there, they kidnap them. Yeah. Rescue mission underway.

And why would you go, exactly? Oh, these are rebels.

Well, I mean, there's a lot of people that have been there before, because they, you know, these fucking knuckleheads, they think that they're, you know, they're going to experience this amazing culture. These people live a horrific, war-like existence.

Go to Montecito.

Go to Montecito. Go to where Schultz got married. I'm trying to find this for you, Jamie. I know I got it in there somewhere.

That's fucking brutal.

I'm working on Twitter, too. I see some things, but I'm looking for specifically what you're saying. Oh, here it is. I got it. That's it.

Oh, my God. Damn. They got it right.

New Zealand pilots. Yeah. Yeah.

Held by the rebels in West Papua region for 10 months.

Jamie, here's the video. I'm sending you the video.

How do you fall into his hands? Show it a little bit.

Look at that shit, man.

He fell into the hands of the Liberation Army after landing his Susi Air single-engine plane on a remote airstrip in Mauna's province of Nduga, while supporting the locals get home to remote parts of the country.

I see. Wow.

Oh, man. And he's got it. He's wearing the drip, too. He's got the Papa shirt on.

Yeah, he's got to. He's like, I'm with you guys. They probably can't even read it. We don't know what that means. Give us money.

We will fuck your mouth.

We'll fuck your mouth. We'll fuck your mouth like a baby. No matter what, we'll fuck your mouth.

We started mouth-fucking.

Let us make a deal. We'll let you go if you come back every three months.

If not, I'll shoot you. Damn. The whole country has to admit it. And if not, I'll shoot you.

And this dude probably can't even understand a word of what he's saying.

He's being pretty cool.

Let me hear his voice, Jamie. It's interesting.

If not, I'll shoot you.

Do you know how long it would take you to figure out what the fuck they're saying?

There's no chance. I would ever know. If not, I'll shoot you.

He's been there for 10 months.

That's brutal. Fuck, dude.

I bet he doesn't. I bet he doesn't even bother anymore. He just shakes and puts his fucking shitty drawers back on. He's probably got one sock on.

What's he eating? Even the most basic stuff, let alone the 40 guys with rifles.

Yeah, that dude lives in hell. And I wonder if he can speak their language. I wonder if he understands. They've got some pretty sophisticated rifling there.

Yeah, I've got to say, they look cool.

Yeah, those are serious guns.

Let's make these guys the villains in an action movie. Yeah. They would be fucking awesome. Let's get this guy out of there.

This is so crazy. They're all just no trigger discipline. All fucking pointed at him. They all have their fingers on the triggers. Look at this guy on the left-hand side.

He's so close, too.

That's so crazy. They all have their fingers on the triggers.

This feels like a Chris Hemsworth movie waiting to happen. Send the fucking jackdaws. Yeah, extraction three.

Boy, that does not end well.

I would do horrible in a kidnapping setting.

Dude, you'd get kidnapped on a fucking island.

I'm not coming out.

Oh, my God.

I would try and kill myself. Good luck if you get sick. Yeah.

I mean, I guarantee you can't drink the water that they can drink.

No way.

There's people in certain parts of the world that are used to drinking dirty water, and they can survive on dirty water for whatever reason. I don't know what the fuck that's all about, but they're like a horse. You take a horse up to a river, they just drink out of the river. Some people can do that. We lost that a long time ago.

Too much clean water from the jungle. If we were drinking bullshit from the beginning.

We should be back to drinking puddle water.

Hell, yeah, dude.

Now we're talking. Straighten out the American gut biome.

That'll bring us back.

Yeah, that'll bring us back. What brings us back? at this point? I'm fucking worried about America. I really am.

Where's everybody?

You guys left behind this fucking dope-ass building. They literally left it behind. This is the first photo released back in March, when they first got them.

He looks remarkably chill, I have to say.

Jesus Christ. Look at the size of their arrows. Their arrows are like seven feet long. That's nuts.

I still, I really, I know I shouldn't be empathizing with these guys, but they look fucking awesome. They look pretty badass.

They got fucking pool shorts. You would not want to fuck with those dudes.

No way.

But they're pointing at random shit. Look, they're looking down their scope. Look where he's pointing to.

They're pointing at their friends. Some of them are pointing at each other.

They're pointing at that log. I shoot the log. And this guy's shooting at the other guy's dick. Look at him. He's got a good trigger discipline, though.

That guy looks awesome. He's so nervous. He's like, I want to be cool. They're like, Mark, you get the little gun. We don't trust you with the fucking cool shit.

This guy in the blue jacket, man, he lives in hell. Brutal stuff. Ten months of that, fuck. And how do they get you out without getting killed and them killing you? It's probably really hard to do.

Yeah.

What is the whole deal? What do they want? I'll try to find something out. This is probably not going to show it. on this article.

I was involved in talks to free a kidnapped Kiwi pilot.

Is that him? In June. Wow, this fucking guy's been there forever. He's now been held hostage. This was four months.

Damn, dude.

The West Papau National Independence Army kidnapped him February 7th, demanding Indonesia recognize West Papau's independence.

Oh, that's... He's fucked. This guy's fucked, dude.

He's fucked. He's going to die.

I was hoping maybe they'd want a couple fucking Hot Pockets.

Maybe some Nutter Butters. Recognize our independence. Oh, bro, you're going to have to kill that white boy. That guy's done, dude.

That guy's done.

Yeah, he's got no chance. That's ridiculous.

Or you could just be like, all right, we did it.

It's a promising picture. Yeah, they're holding hands. They're holding hands. Or maybe they like the guy now.

He seems like a chill guy, to be honest with you.

Well, he probably legitimately is there trying to help people. So he's probably a good dude, which sucks even more that he got...

Yeah, not some guy trying to start new slavery in Papua. You know what I mean?

Some guy who's over there trafficking Filipino girls.

Right, right, right. Let him go. Yeah. Why don't they fake a news broadcast? They probably have one flat-screen TV, those guys.

I bet they're a lot more sophisticated than we think.

Yeah, probably.

I think in this day and age you can't pull the wool over anybody's eyes. With cell phones? I bet they have cell phones there.

24 hours. Let's pretend West Papua, whatever the fuck, is, a real country.

I bet Elon put a fucking satellite right above him.

Yeah, put a link. Yeah, let's do that. Let's fucking beam in. Wolf Blitzer being like, all right, they're a fucking country. now.

This is the most recent update about his situation, because I think he's dead. Some people think he's dead. Oh. He's still alive, very healthy. Okay.

What about very healthy?

Very healthy.

Yeah.

They're coming for these folks. I would imagine. Like, if that was an American, I would imagine.

Joey would have them dead. That would fucking rally the troops. If we get a SEAL team just blowing motherfuckers up, everybody would be wearing GoPros. They'd edit it awesome like an action movie.

Well, they wouldn't even have to hit the ground. I mean, there's no one else there but them. They just fucking storm overhead in jets or just use drones.

For the optics, though.

The optics are pretty dope.

There's got to be a jacked guy with a huge beard.

Yeah, but I think the jacked guys with the huge beards go in after the initial detonations. Right. Like, the drones, hit, boom, boom. People are like, peeeeeee. They can't hear anything.

Yeah, an American flag tattoo on his fucking chest. It's ripped.

Broca sunglasses on.

Yes, yes, yes. Give him a fake wound. You know what I mean? He's not hurt at all. But we fucking slice his uniform open.

I am the captain now. Yeah, total wrong accent, everything.

People are like, hey, man, that guy sounds fucking Mexican. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Well, that's the thing with deep fakes. They don't even have to fucking do that anymore.

You're right.

Deep fakes are so nuts. I know, dude. They're so nuts. I was watching this Greta Thunberg deep fake one about electric vibrators. I was like, this is so crazy.

I was watching Obama Ice Spice. That was pretty good.

There's a Trump rap song out.

Yeah.

There's an AI Trump rap where Trump raps.

Let's see. I don't like that because it's taking jobs out of good Trump impersonators. You know what I mean? That's money out of Shane's pocket.

Yeah. Yeah. What happens with that guy?

With who? Shane?

Trump. Trump.

Shane's doing great. Shane's doing great.

He just bought a Mercedes.

I know. It's fucking awesome.

I took him to the Mercedes dealership. I was the fucking hype man. Dude. I was in the backseat going, dude. I was telling him about all the features.

Dude, the back wheel steer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. When I was here last, when I was at the mothership, I wanted to hit the pool. I was like, yo, Shane. Let's fucking hang out.

It's very nice. Beautiful place.

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he's here too. Yeah. Nice. It's so awesome having him at the club all the time working on new shit.

Dude, the club fucking rules.

It's so fun.

It's so awesome. It really is.

It's so fun.

Yeah. It's nice to just pop in. You got the fucking, the bottom of the barrel. show's fun. You're just fucking riffing.

Bottom of the barrel shows is literally like a factory for premises. You know, even if you can't recreate the moment.

There's something in there.

Because a lot of times it's like there's a crazy moment that makes you go down a certain path. Yeah.

Yeah.

But you have to figure out how to get to that moment. Yeah.

Well, when you're on stage, it's like, and you're not, you're only using, it's like survival mode. So it's like you haven't pre-thought of anything and there's some deep part of your brain that just something awesome will come out of that. Yeah. 10% of the time. Yeah.

Every now and then. Yeah. I got two last week that are like legit. I love it. That I'm like watering them.

Yeah.

I'm like, okay, you're going to be a tree someday, little Billy.

Come on, little buddy. Put a little splint in it, one of the leaves is going fucking.

It's the most fun thing in comedy is the new bits and new premises. It's making something work.

It's the only thing that feels good. It's like even being like, you know, even a sold out theater, it's cool. But a new joke in a shitty bar feels 10 times better than selling out of 3,000 seats.

Yeah. When something cracks for the first time and you realize you've got something, you're like, oh boy.

Oh yeah.

Because there's this process of creation. that's just so weird. Like you never know, one day I'm going to run out of new ideas. One day I'm going to run out of new jokes. I'm going to be like those guys that just have the same material for 50 years.

I know. And that was what it, I mean, it does feel weird because it's like, I do feel like the last 10 years there's been a real shift in like, you just got to fucking be putting shit out.

Well, there's so much content out there, and there's also so many people that come to comedy now. Yeah. I don't think comedy has ever been bigger. Ever. There's way more comics selling out arenas.

Yeah. For example, Fat Rascal on Netflix.

Oh my God. That comes out tomorrow. That comes out tomorrow.

That's right. That's Fat Rascal shot here in the beautiful Paramount Theater.

Great fucking theater.

Really fucking awesome. Cool old school theater. Yeah, dude. It was fucking insane. Yeah.

Oh my God. That motherfucker was in there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. No, it was crazy.

Wow, I didn't know. Houdini came to Austin.

Houdini was out there, dude.

Houdini hit the road like Bert Kreischer. Yeah.

There it is. Fat Rascal.

You look like Ron Jeremy, though. Yeah, I know. A little bit.

I do. I have that vibe.

Kind of a lot.

That's the, you know, Ron Jeremy, with maybe one eighth of the penis. That's kind of what we're going for there. It is tough to be compared to a guy who was historically ugly, but his saving grace was a huge dick, and my dick is little. Not a great, not a great.

Well, I think back then, porn stars, they wanted him to be ugly. So the guys didn't feel bad. Didn't feel threatened. Some good looking guy. Like, if you're at home whacking off with some good looking guy who's getting laid, you're.

like, fuck him. Who the fuck is this guy? Who does he think he is?

Look at him with his six pack piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah.

You want a guy who looks like Ron Jeremy.

That's true. Maybe we can take it to the next level. Maybe there's little dick porn has to start now.

I think they already have that in other countries.

In other, you mean just all Japanese porn? Is that what you're saying?

I didn't say that. You did. Boy, I don't know why you said that.

I felt it.

You know what's weird about Japanese porn is they have to blur out.

The censor.

They have to blur out the dicks and the vaginas. Yeah. They blur out penetration.

Yeah.

It's very strange.

What happened?

I don't understand it. What are you protecting by making confusion as to whether or not someone's? ... You really don't have to have any real porn because it's all blurred out.

Yeah. I mean, I will say I have jacked off to the blurred out porn. Interesting. And it's not. ...

Is there no other choice? Yeah, I don't know. Did your hard drive crash?

Sometimes I'm in the zone, Joe. Sometimes you want to switch it up. I like a big pillowy Asian titty to jack off to.

Yeah. Right. You don't want someone who's been BBL'd in the titties.

Listen, I didn't say that. I'm just saying I want it all. Give me a sampler pack. A little bit of this.

A little bit of that. Right. A little bit of authentic.

Grass-fed. Authentic cuisine. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you want to go to Chinatown sometimes to watch Chinese food.

Yeah, sometimes you want to go to Beijing.

Yeah, you don't want Panda Express.

No, no. You want to get the real deal. No, no. Panda Express will hit the spot.

It's not bad. if you're at the mall. You want some orange chicken.

You're at the mall getting your dick sucked by a Zara employee in the bathroom. Jesus Christ. Just taking the metaphor to its logical conclusion.

Go as far as you can, go with it. I support. I support your thought process.

But yeah, I will, I don't know. Sometimes I feel worldly jacking off to Japanese porn. You know, like watching a foreign film.

Like a guy who like, yeah, a guy who brags about reading old books. Right. Right.

Right.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's like watching a Godard film or whatever, you know?

When I first met Callan, first time I ever went over to his apartment, he leaves books laying out as if he's reading them.

To think, yeah.

Like he had, like Steinbeck of Mice and Men. And I go, hey, motherfucker, I know you're not reading this.

Also, that's when you're reading high school.

And he looks at me with his eyebrows raised, he goes, I do read it. I go, you don't, do you? You want people to think you're interesting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you leave these books out.

Yeah, which, by the way. You do, right? Huh?

By people, I mean girls.

Of course, yeah, yeah.

You want girls to think you're interesting. So you leave these books out, pretending that you're like worldly.

You know. what's so funny? Is that I have like an e-reader thing, and I was reading, like, you know, some book about, I was reading like about Goodfellas or, like, you know, some trashy, like, or not even trash, but like a detective thing. And then I switched it up to, like, you know, something smart on the outside. Some shit about, like civil rights or something like that.

So the people would know, you can switch it on the outside?

You can switch it on the outside. I have done that before.

What does the outside look like?

It's just like a screen.

There's an outside screen too?

Yeah, just the screen, right, of the e-reader, and it'll just show what you're reading. Right. And I was reading, like, you know, like I said, some fucking book about, you know, oh, I was reading about the Phoenix Sun, seven seconds or less. I read a lot of basketball books, you know, that kind of shit. And then a girl was coming, and I was like, let's do some fucking, I don't even know what.

I was like, let's pretend I'm smart.

Or even like shit girls, like, like a Murakami book, you know.

What's a Murakami book?

He's good. Those are good books. They're like dreamy Japanese book. Back to the Japanese thing. I don't know.

These are men without women.

Haruki Murakami, great stuff.

What I talk about when I talk about running. I haven't read that one. Norwegian Wood. Norwegian Wood's good.

I know that guy.

I've seen his work. Yeah.

It's blurred out, but it's good.

He's the reason why Ron Jeremy had a career.

Just some blonde, 6'4 guy.

Some Fabio looking motherfucker with a giant hog.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and Norwegian Wood, he fucks two. He fucks an old lady and a young woman. Wow. Yeah.

Who's the main character getting pussy out of?

There's some fucking like professor listening to this, like, that guy's dumb as shit. That's what he gets out of Murakami, but what can I say? Hey. They're nice, dreamlike books.

Art is open to interpretation. Different people get different things.

I'm a simple man. I see things through one lens.

You should be you. Yeah. You should be those motherfuckers. How many professors have you ever met that are happy? Yeah.

Yeah, just the ones who fuck their students, I'm pretty sure.

And they can't do that anymore. That was like the main reason to be a professor. Back in the Feynman days, those guys all banged their graduate students. That was like part of the thing. It's like, look.

Exactly. That's the payoff. Yeah, you think, in the application process or the interview process, they're like, look, we can't offer you that much money, but here's a picture of all the girls that got in this year. Here's how good. Here's the quality.

No, not only do they get paid, well, they get tenure. So they can't even get fired. But I bet they can get fired now if they bang their students.

Yeah. Also, I feel like higher, yeah, I think higher ed in general is fucked.

When do you think they stopped banging their students? Was it the same time they stopped fucking kids?

Definitely after that. I think that was like... More recent? I think that was more recent. I think people are still picking their spots and fucking their students.