Armchair Anonymous: Waxing Debacle

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

This episode ruined me.

Oh, right. This is... I'm not even going to say our names, because everyone just turned this thing off. Yeah, yeah. And I got to say, specifically if you're a woman, a dude might be able to get through this, but certainly, if you're female and you're listening, throw your phone in the river right now.

Seriously, be careful. Don't drive and listen. Don't eat. Don't eat.

Don't listen while listening, if you're going to.

If you ever are interested in getting waxed again, don't listen, because I was supposed to-.

You were scheduled.

Quickly after, and I haven't gone, because I'm so shook.

So don't listen, okay? It was about waxing debacles, but it's not for you, so don't listen. Have a good day, though, anyways. With love, Dax and Monica.

Coming up. Yeah!

There it is.

Now we got it. Yay!

It just took a second to connect, I think.

I think I hit the wrong button.

That's okay. I can't- Are you doing a ton of interviews over Zoom?

No. I usually use Teams.

Teams.

Everyone I work with in Michigan loves Teams, too. I don't know if it's geographical or something. I don't know.

My cousin works for Zoom, so I feel like I should know better.

Oh, God. Betrayal.

Riley, how are you? Where are you at?

I am in Denver.

Wonderful. Does your waxing debacle take place in Denver or another location?

It takes place in Newport News, Virginia, so on the coast in Virginia.

Real quick. Newport News?

Yes.

Why add the news? What's that? That sounds like you lived at a newspaper.

I have no idea. It's where Christopher Newport University is, a school of about 5,000 that not many people have heard of. Great school.

We love it. Love it. Okay. So what year are we talking about?

2020, right before the pandemic hit.

Okay.

It was February 2020, my senior year of college, and my best friends and I were about to go to St. Lucia for spring break. So my best friend texts me and she's like, I really want to go get a bikini wax, but I don't want to go by myself. Will you go with me? And I was like, yeah, absolutely.

Really quick, was this your first waxing experience of your life?

I had, like my eyebrows waxed.

Okay. Much different. Very different.

More sensitive area. I knew it was going to be painful. So I was like mentally preparing myself. So I was definitely nervous. I'm like chatting and the esthetician's like, okay, take off your pants.

Hold on, hold on. Butterfly position, meaning you're on your back and your legs are up and spread as far as they'll go.

They're like this.

Hold on. Moni's going to demonstrate.

They're like this.

Oh, okay.

Just like that.

Yes.

Oh, I've had many. So for the listener, Monica put her bottoms of her feet together and made a diamond shape.

And imagine be fully laid back.

Yep. Laid back and very exposed to a stranger.

Yes. Played.

With like bright lights, all that. So she like starts putting the wax on. I'm, again, still chatting, making conversation. So she starts to lay the strips down and I look away because I'm like, this is going to be painful. If I see it coming, it's going to hurt worse.

She let out an oh my God.

This is the last thing you want to hear. Oh, no.

She says, you didn't tell me you were pregnant.

I just felt your baby kick.

Oh, wow.

I thought she tore off some labia. And she said, oh shit, you didn't tell me you were pregnant. I just felt your baby kick. Because her hand was in her brace. That's not what I thought this was.

This is the best shape I've been in my life. I was confident about my body. at this point. I was, could not have been, like literally impossible unless I was the Virgin Mary.

Right.

And I was like, uh, not pregnant. And she says, are you sure?

Because I just felt your baby kick. Your baby kick. Your little baby. Jimmy, just kicked me. Your little baby boy.

And she's like, I would have been more careful if I had known.

And I was like, not pregnant. And she's like, oh, well, then that was just like super weird. I like stopped talking. I'm no longer nervous. This is uncomfortable.

Well, worse.

Something's moving.

Something's moving in you. You heard body shaming. She said, I felt a kick. Yeah. She didn't say, whoa, what a big belly you have.

Yes, she felt something. kick her hand.

So you had either, well, A, she could have totally imagined everything. But B, maybe, when you turned your head to look away, your abdominals, which you're telling me were in peak shape, tightened.

I think that is what happened. My abs just tightened. And the way they tightened, they like kicked.

Right, your little baby.

And kicked her.

Oh, my God.

I didn't know you were pregnant.

Oh, my God. I didn't know you were pregnant with a little baby boy. It's so vulnerable.

You're naked.

You're naked.

I walked out, and my friends, they're like, how was it? And I was like, it was fine.

And they're like, really, what happened?

And they thought it was the funniest thing. They were like, this is the best thing to ever happen to you.

Did she do a nice job, though? Were you delighted with the outcome? And have you ever gotten another?

Yeah, I have. But every time that I've gotten a wax since then, I have been like, my first waxing experience was really bad. She told me she felt my baby kick.

Okay, you're prepping.

Yeah, all the estheticians since then have been like, why would she say that? Yeah. That is so inappropriate.

It is inappropriate. Because also, what if you were, I mean, all of it's just weird. I don't know.

Well, perhaps if you were, when she leaned her body weight on your stomach for some weird reason. Like, it's an interesting. But then you would just, that's on you. Is that what they do to you, Monica? They put their hand on your stomach?

Well, they don't necessarily lean their weight. They just sometimes have a hand there. They're also trying to make sure the skin is taut.

Taut, so they're pulling up on your belly, maybe?

Sometimes. But also, it'd be up to you, if you're pregnant, to be like, oh, I'm actually pregnant.

Don't lean on my baby.

That's my baby in there.

Have they ever thought you had a baby?

I've never experienced that. They might have thought it, but they didn't say it.

They didn't say it.

Oh, wow.

One esthetician that I told that story to, she was like, oh my gosh, I've never said that. And now I know this is what I'm meant to do, because I would never say that to a client.

Yeah.

I've just told you, you found your calling.

She had, yeah, just a total normal level of social awareness.

Oh, man.

Well, Riley, thank you for that story and congratulations on the pregnancy.

Thank you. I have a dog child.

Oh, I just felt your dog kicking. You got a little puppy in there. All right, Riley, great meeting you.

Thank you so much.

Bye. All right, take care. Bye.

You remember my story that I was getting a wax, and then she told me she was a listener.

Oh, while your-.

Yes.

Your pachydermis was exposed?

Yes. It was really uncomfortable. You know. Nope.

You know, you know, you know. How about this? I guess what you're saying is then she could then say, I've seen Monica's pachydermis. What's the fear?

All of it, it's very uncomfortable and vulnerable.

I'd almost rather know that the person had a similar worldview as me. Like, what if you came in and they were listening to, who's the guy who screams and his blood vessels almost blow up out of his head? He lost the defamation case from Sandy Hook. He owes him a billion dollars. Alex Jones.

Great question.

I also know you're afraid of your butthole. Oh, you're so happy. He just compared your vagina to my butthole. Because you're self-conscious. Are you self-conscious about your-?

It's a vulnerable area. Yeah. It's private.

Private, yeah, you're privates.

If someone knows you, they're gonna tell someone.

Okay, well, I just wanted to make sure that that was the fear.

And it's uncomfortable that somebody recognizes you as like, up in your vagina.

Your preference would be to basically be anonymous in that situation. Yes, of course. That makes sense.

Of course, just like you with your butthole. Okay.

Next caller.

To be fair, I'm pretty happy with my vagina. It's not that. It's just very intimate and vulnerable and it's a very fine line.

Would you let Callie wax you? No. Okay.

She doesn't know how. Hello.

Hi, Erica. You guys. Hi.

I can see the chair and the dog.

The pair of chairs. Where are you at, Erica?

I am in a Western suburb of Chicago called Elmhurst.

Wabi. I know Elmhurst. Of course you do.

He knows it.

It's a beautiful place to live.

Yeah. Before we hear your waxing debacle, would you allow one of your female friends to wax you?

What part of my body?

Vagina.

I'm gonna go with no. Okay.

I said no also.

Here's my question.

Yeah, hit me.

Brazilians, are those still popular? Like, I'm so out of the loop.

Yeah, I get them sometimes.

Like, are people still doing this, or is this like old hat and everybody wants the 70s vibes?

As you know, I've been out of the scene myself for a little while now, so I don't know. But I know, growing up, a woman had a nice full bush, and then all of a sudden, everyone had zero hair. And then it does seem like maybe there's a resurgence.

of some hair. I don't know. I feel like it's still popular to have full bare vagina. I think it's just varied. It's not like there's just one thing to do now where it's no hair.

Yeah, so I used to be an esthetician. Okay, so I'm coming at this from the, I did this to someone.

Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, wonderful.

So that's why I was like, hell to the. no, I'm not letting my friends wax down there.

Okay, that makes sense. And I didn't mean to disrespect your trade by implying that the lay person could do it to their friend. They obviously can't. But I do think they do.

They definitely do. I should also say, I haven't been an esthetician in like 20 years. So this is a very old story of when I was learning to be an esthetician. I went to a aesthetic school. It was called the University of Aesthetics.

That's a nice one too.

Yeah, the girls would come over sometimes.

and have stuff done. And we did facials and things like that. So it wasn't just ripping hair out left and right. So I was 20.. I was a new student and we were learning the Brazilian.

It was 2003..

Good, fast math there. Peak years for the Brazilian.

Indeed. So we had learned to do it in school. And when you're getting your aesthetics license, you have to do a certain number of hours. I wanna say. when I went, it was maybe like 500..

Oh, my God. This is very exactly. Yeah.

It was a very ding, ding, ding.

So I will say that I have waxed a number of my friends as well as my sister.

Yeah.

So I feel like some people might think that's weird, but I don't know. It doesn't seem weird to me.

Who gives a shit really? Yeah.

Now, the way that I learned it originally was with soft wax in the strips. So what you would like normally think of, there are better ways to do a Brazilian. Oh. We don't have to get into that right now.

Hard wax.

Yeah.

What's the difference? So one of them, it smears on smoothly with like a tongue depressor. Is that what you use? Yeah.

So you would like smear it on with a tongue depressor. You go with the hair to apply. Okay. And then you pull the skin tight and you whip off to go against the grain.

You all right, Monica?

You look like you're gonna fly.

Yeah, I hate that.

I hate that.

You gotta make sure that skin's tight. The tighter, the better. So, as you can imagine, that's very difficult to do with the nether regions.

Yeah, there's so many crevices.

Right, what skin are you gonna grab?

That area. in general, the skin is meant to expand. That's right. To let babies out, things like that. So you're not gonna get a real good, taut skin situation down there.

Right, it's all squaggly. Very. No, but the hard wax.

Squaggly.

Explain the hard wax.

So the hard wax, you don't have to use a strip. It cools on its own. And it can be hard. I think candle wax, I don't prefer that one. I used a softer one that was almost like a putty, kind of like Silly Putty texture.

Oh God.

I got the top portion done.

Right, that seems like the easy. You can taut the skin from above in that case.

Yeah, pull the leg to the side. Like there are techniques. So we got the top done, got the interior of the leg, like the leg joint area, done. And we were getting down to like the nitty gritty.

Flavia, vulva.

Yep, we're getting down there. It's at this point that I should probably also tell you that my sister had a cat.

Oh, no, what?

That's what we need. That's what we need in this situation. Couple sisters.

She had rescued it from my aunt and the cat was very reclusive. I kind of forgot about the cat. Most of the time she lived under the bed. He didn't see her very often. Anyway, so we're getting down to the nitty gritty and I put the wax down right in the sweet spot, I guess you'll want to call it.

I ripped that. Sorry, I'm about to get your face.

I ripped that strip off and nothing happens. The wax does not come off. It's just this big wad of wax stuck in the hair.

The strip came off right and left the wax.

But none of the hair or the wax came off.

Obviously. this is quite painful. Kate's screaming.

I'm like, okay, okay, just relax.

I know what to do. You put a little bit more wax on to like heat it up again, and then you just go over it and we'll see what happens.

We're gonna go over it. I listened to how my daughters talked to each other and I had lots of female cousins. Sisters aren't sugarcoating anything, right? Had she been a client versus your sister, probably would have been like, ma'am, I'm so sorry, but this is blah, blah, blah. But probably for her, you're like, just cut the shit, we gotta get this off.

Right, I was like, I need you to calm down. You're gonna start sweating. It's gonna get worse. So I put some more wax on. Now it's at this point, and I talked to her yesterday, so there's like a little discrepancy in our stories.

I don't remember it that way.

But it's not my lady bits, so I'm gonna go with her version of the story. Needless to say, I was like, okay, this'll be okay. Just relax. I'm gonna rip off the wax and that wax will come off too. Put another strip down.

Wait, so, but this isn't, so. it's still hurting, even though nothing's coming off?

It's sticking enough to like rip the hair and rip the skin, but it's not enough to actually rip it out and remove the wax in the hair. So now we're getting blood. Now we're getting more screaming.

And you only really wanna go over an area,

just even like a normal area, maybe twice. So now we're looking at three times. So the wax is still on there. Kate's screaming. I'm screaming at her like, okay, now we're getting desperate measures here.

I need a baby. If we have to, we can just cut this out.

It'll be okay.

Right.

She'd be like, yes, we have to. Yes.

I turn my back to get the scissors. That fucking cat comes out from under the bed and chooses this moment to jump onto the bed, onto my sister, who is basically spread eagle, but with her parts stuck together with the sticky patch. The cat jumps up, lands, Kate's screaming again.

I'm screaming now because this cat's here. Get the fuck out of here.

Running, screaming, yelling.

The cat takes off.

I think it just left like a little tuft of, like loose fur. The cat was okay.

Oh, that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about her. I thought maybe the cat was gonna get stuck on her.

Or try to eat the wax.

Maybe momentarily stuck on her.

Oh, my God.

Quick enough to just like sink the claws in and then take off.

Jesus Christ, your poor sister.

I went to a totally different place in my head about this cat revelation. What? I'm kind of like, oh, the cat heard her mom screaming and crying and kind of probably came up to comfort her. I didn't think cats have that in them. Yeah, I'm like having a breakthrough moment with, maybe, cats.

Wow, that is not what I took.

Anything's possible. Kate's still laying there. She's screaming. We're both like laughing hysterically also. Yes.

You made a mess of it.

Oh yeah, it's a nightmare. It's bleeding, it's bruised.

Wax bits everywhere.

Yeah, it's awful.

So I was like, we're gonna call it for tonight. We're done here. I'm not going over this. We're not gonna attempt to do the other side. We're gonna have to put you in a hot bath to dissolve this wax, because it's almost like a sugar wax type of situation.

Let me get this in some scalding hot water.

Bleeding, oh fuck.

I know, I was 20.. My brain wasn't even fully formed. yet. Get the bath going. She walks in like a cowboy, like she just got off of her saddle.

she immediately sits down.

and adheres herself to the bottom of the tub.

Oh, my Lord. What?

All this. wax, the cat, and now you're stuck to the bottom of the tub. I wanna say it took about 30 minutes.

To dissolve.

For all the wax to dissolve enough.

Yeah, and then we got her cleaned up.

And then, when you drain the tub, you had a big smear of wax with hair in it.

This feels like a Judd Apatow movie, like some sort of-.

Yeah, set piece.

Yes.

I know, it does seem kind of over the top. It should have just ended with the cat, but no, she's stuck to the bottom of the tub.

Did she ever let you wax her again? Yes. Good for her.

Wow. What a good person. I got better at it,

and then I became the best Brazilian bikini waxer of my graduating class.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

Okay, underdog story.

Happy ending.

So I learned from my mistakes. Use hard wax.

Clear the room of all cats and canines. Get all the hamsters and gerbils and snakes and birds out of the room.

Right.

Well, Erica, your poor sister, please send our condolences to her and thank her for letting you tell that story to us. Yeah, for sure. Well, it's so nice meeting you, Erica.

It's so nice to meet you too.

Have a great rest of your night. Bye. Bye-bye.

Man, the cat. The cat. Getting stuck on her cat.

On her kitty.

Her cat on her kitty.

Cat caught in a kitty.

It's so sensitive down there. Pussy pack. Oh my gosh. Not everyone has pussy pack.

Not everyone's got pussy pachydermis. Yeah. So think, for those people, not thick skin. How it feels. What'd you say, Ralph?

I think those are gonna get more gruesome, the last two. Oh, God.

Let's go.

Okay.

Let's talk. to, quote, Kay. That's a good sign. Every kiss begins with.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, is this Kay?

Yes, it is. So nice to meet you guys.

So nice to meet you. Every kiss begins with Kay. Isn't that a song?

That's a jewelry song.

It's a jewelry song, right? Where are you at, Kay?

I'm in Toronto.

Oh, wonderful. Are you from there or did you relocate to Toronto?

Born and raised.

Born and raised.

It's a great city. Arguably, I'm sure most Canadians will hate me saying this, but it's the best city in Canada. Vancouver's fighting me so hard right now.

Yeah, it's good to know you guys have the Toronto-Vancouver beef like the New York-LA beef. So it's at least comforting that it's universal. So, Kay, you had a unfortunate waxing debacle, or maybe fortunate. I don't wanna put words in your mouth.

I guess it's fortunate because I get to chat with you guys, but at the time it was quite unfortunate. This happened almost 10 years ago. So it was one of the first times I'd ever gone for a bikini wax.

Was there an occasion coming up where you're gonna do a lot of pool swimming?

No, honestly, I had started doing it and I was like, the feeling of being a dolphin is just amazing and I wanna continue this.

Yeah, it feels nice.

Yeah, you're like fun, fresh and exciting. So it was one of the first bikini waxes I'd ever gotten. There was a local salon that I was going to. I get into the room. The esthetician asked me if I've done this before.

She said, have you ever done this? You said, yes, but that was your first time.

No, no, it was one of the first times.

Oh, one of, okay. I thought that was interesting. you chose to lie because I would have done that too, but that's not what happened.

The first time I went, I did lie.

Okay, good, that's comforting. Have you done this before? Yes, okay, so, then you know you need to take your pants off.

I'm so the opposite. Like, no, never done it, and I'm nervous. Like, you wanna tell them.

Because if you tell someone you don't know what you're doing, then you make yourself vulnerable to their input and their exploitation. So you always act like you've done it, so they don't try to pull anything on you, because you're constantly vigilant.

That's such a bad idea in a waxing situation.

It's not a great idea, but that's what it's from. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I take my bottoms off. I lay down and put the little towel over top of you, and I'm sure anyone who's listening or, you know, Monica, it's kind of awkward. You're just like laying there, waiting for someone to come back, to just stare at your vagina while they rip the hairs out. So she comes back and she starts. So she puts the first bit of wax on and it is hot.

Yeah, that's happened to me. Scalding? Too hot.

Well, I tell her this, and she basically tells me that it's like not too hot and that I'm just being sensitive.

Thin-skinned.

Yeah, so I just grin and bear it as she's doing it. I'm like, this is a lot more painful than I remember it being, but finish it up. I pay, I go home. Because the swan was around the street from my house, I was walking home. But as I'm walking home, it is very sensitive and very uncomfortable.

No!

No!

Ow, ow, ow!

I was not being overly sensitive when I said it was too hot.

What did it look like? Now, bear with me and my anatomical knowledge, but when I'm thinking of the labia, the menorah, the inside labia, right?

So the outer labia.

The labia majora.

Exactly, yes. Skin is missing.

I can't.

Although that's better than I was nervous that the menorah had disappeared. No! No! And then I thought, how could you have walked home? Okay, so I'm glad I clarified.

So, obviously I'm alarmed, because not only is this painful, but it's also alarming to look at your vagina, and part of it's missing. Oh!

Is it bleeding?

You know, when you get a burn, it's that raw skin? That's what it was.

Well, I'm not coming back. When your majora has healed, bring it back in. Oh! And whoa, you got one on the house.

Exactly. The story doesn't end there. Good. So a couple weeks go by and I'm going up to a cottage, and this guy that I'd had a crush on throughout my teenage years, he's also gonna be there. Oh my God.

Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

This could not be worse. I love this. This is the worst. Welcome to hooking up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So, needless to say, that was a boner killer. It ended everything right then and there. Nothing happened for the rest of the night. because how do you come back from, oh, a piece of my vagina is just wrapped around your finger?

Okay, hold on, hold on. I have a lot of follow-up questions. What age were you at this time?

I was 21. Oh.

Now, when I was 21,, I was inordinately concerned about STDs. Oh, sure. Like, anything that happened, I would just go straight to this big paranoia I have when I hook up with people. So, I would have thought if I were him, oh boy, she has something that she's scabbed up down there. Did you feel compelled to go, I don't have anything.

Did you tell him?

What happened?

I did tell him. later. I explained the story. I was like, I got a wax a couple weeks ago and she literally ripped off a portion of my labia. and you have the remnant, or you had the remnants of that on your hands.

That's really high on the list of embarrassing. And I'm going to ask, if you had had your choice, you could have either accidentally tooted in that situation or had the scab, what would you pick?

Tooted, because at least you can both like laugh about it.

Probably continue on.

Exactly.

With a good time.

I don't know, though, because tooting is like your own, quote, fault, but the scab is like-.

Sometimes it's not your fault, Monica.

We're not having that discussion right now. That's why I said quote, because I knew you were going to fight me, but it is your fault. But the scab is like, oh, this lady, like you can immediately-.

Deflect it.

Yeah, it's not you. Right.

You also have to think of your partner, which is, would he rather get just a brief sniff of something unpleasant or have a scab on his hand? Well, what would you? I'd be fine with both. I don't give a fuck about either of those things. Does it grow back?

So the third part of this story-.

Oh, wonderful. There's more. Okay, good. I'm so sorry. I have to tie up the loose ends on the boy.

With him.

So later that week, yes. And he had been building it up for like a very long time, that it's going to be great. I'm going to rock your world, that he was very well endowed. And then it came to it and it was incredibly disappointing.

That happens.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

And then our friendship kind of fizzled out after that. Oh, wow.

But that's fine. Yeah, yeah.

So hopefully I left him with a memorable story.

We're talking to him next, actually. I can't wait to hear it. His account. Okay, part three.

Okay, third, yeah.

So part three. So I was really shy or nervous about going to get waxed again, because obviously that was traumatic.

Yes.

So this time I decided to go get sugared because someone had told me that I work with, they're like, sugaring is not as painful and it's like a lot better for ingrown hairs. Dax, you look very confused.

Yeah, what is sugaring?

It looks like flubber, basically. It's made from sugar and it's like a lot softer. It's not hot. So they can use the same little piece of sugaring wax, I guess, to wax you over and over again. The same person, they don't share it amongst people.

Right.

I go to the salon and I go to get sugared and I don't even think to tell her the story of what happened previously. And she looks between my legs and she goes, did something happen? I couldn't even think about what she would be referring to. And I was like, what do you mean, did something happen?

What's going on down there?

Yeah, I like sit up and she goes, well, the left side of your labia looks quite raw. And I explained the story to her and the look on her face. She was probably more mortified than I was in the moment where that boy pulls his hands on my pants to see my scab wrapped around his finger. She's like, did you go to the hospital? Did you get medical treatment?

You went up to the lake and got fingered. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

She said to me that she was almost too nervous to even wax me because she didn't, or sugar me, I should say, because she didn't know if my skin could take it. She's like, we'll start on the rest of the area and we'll save that for lash. She goes, but if I think the skin is too delicate, I'm not going to do this. Good for her. Yes, but in the moment I was like, so you're just going to leave me with a random patch of hair?

With one spot, I know, I know. Was she able to do it?

Yeah, she was able to do it. Thank goodness. And I have not had a traumatic incident since, but I've also just stuck to sugaring since then.

Okay, and then Labia has returned.

Oh, she looks great.

Okay, everything's, okay, great. Because I was going to say, you're kind of like a boxer. If boxers get a really bad eye cut, you know, for the rest of their career, that's going to open up a lot easier, that eye cut. Their opponents know that, you know? So then it becomes a target.

No, she's made a full recovery.

Oh, you think she's robust? Okay.

Maybe she has pussy pachydermis now because there's extra skin.

Probably, as it repaired.

So now it's thick.

I have to Google something when we get off this call and I'm going to freak out over that.

No, we made that up. We made that up.

That's a word we once made up.

And didn't your waxer say something about your-?

No, we joked that.

None of that ever happened.

None of that happened. We joked that I had thick skin.

Like pachydermis is what you call an elephant or rhino or a hippo, because they have extra thick dermis, pachydermis. So pussy pachydermis is fake. We made it up. It's good, you don't know, because clearly you listened to the show and we're just saying it. like everyone knows.

I'm glad we retold that.

Well, I appreciate you guys having me on and I hope everyone found my story entertaining.

It was incredible, Kay. Oh, I love the twists and turns. That trip to the lake was something else. Well, it's so nice meeting you and thanks for telling us that story. It was delightful.

It was nice meeting you guys too. Enjoy the rest of your day. Take care. All right, bye-bye.

That hurts.

My vagina hurts.

Of course.

Of course it does.

Mirror neurons. We're definitely gonna have to tell people they can't listen to this one. This one is really bad for driving.

Hello.

Hi, how's it going?

Oh, good. Michelle, where are you?

So I'm currently in Colorado. I actually just flew in today. I live in Florida, but I'm here with my wife checking out properties to see if we can eventually make the move over here.

Okay. I wish you guys luck in your search.

Thank you.

And what year did this waxing debacle occur and did it happen in Florida?

It did happen in Florida. This was about six years ago. So 2017-ish. At that time, I was going through a tough breakup. So I was really wanting to kind of get my sexuality and confidence back.

So you were trying to reclaim yourself.

Exactly. So. my friend had been getting waxed for a while and convinced me to go with her. And it was horrible. It was very, very painful.

Can I ask what city you were in?

So I was in Melbourne, Florida. So that's on the East Coast over in Brevard County, not far from Kennedy Space Center, if you're familiar with that area.

Okay, okay, okay.

South. Yes.

Why did you want to know that?

Because I think it's a big difference getting waxed in Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay. I think it's a different scene. And like, if you're in Miami, I'm just guessing there's like one on every block and they're probably good at it and give a ton. If you're in Sebring, Florida, where the retirees live, good luck with that waxing, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, that's pretty much, we're not Sebring, but basically it's all retired people. The wax places are kind of hard to find. So it was a little sketchy going in.

Great, I thought there was something there. Okay.

Every time you get waxed, it's super, super sensitive and tender your first couple of days following. And I'm sure there's all these rules they have that I either didn't pay attention to or wasn't told, but I was not exfoliated the way I was supposed to be and things like that, because it hurts so bad. I was like, I'm not going to do anything. I got this done for one purpose, and that is to show it off and be praised for that.

Yes, be praised. We are similar in this way, I think.

I broke the rule, and first day, after getting waxed, I was having sex, which you're not supposed to do because your pores are open. And obviously with sex, you're sweating, there's different bodily fluids, just big opportunity for bacteria to get into your pores. Right.

You said within a day, what's the real timeline?

I would say probably within like three hours.

Oh, okay, I was going to say,

I was like a full 24 hours. Oh my God, okay, great, three hours.

Very, very fresh.

Also, that feels like, ow, because it is so tender for a bit.

Right, and I didn't know what I was doing. I was like, it'll be fine. I'm sure everyone does this, they don't. I ended up getting a little bit of irritation, and I'm thinking, okay, it's just probably like a normal ingrown hair of your skin, kind of has the opportunity to heal up before the hair's growing back through, so that's common. And I'm not new to an ingrown hair, so I'm not afraid to be like, let me get tweezers and see if I can fix this myself and just handle it.

Yes, yes.

So I realized that, and I'm like, okay, let me just try to squeeze the sore area, see what happens. I squeezed, and I felt just bad pain everywhere, and I was like, I'm gonna leave that for a few days. We're just gonna leave that be.

This is on your mom's pubis, basically? Yes. Yes, okay, great.

But closer almost to where it meets my thigh, and so when I'm walking, it's like a constant rubbing. Oh. Yeah. So I was walking with a limp for a while and was just telling people that I had a sprained ankle. Oh, wow.

You never know what people are going through. You never, ever bump into someone and say, well, I mean, thinking, I bet their vagina's swollen to all hell and rubbing against their thigh, and that's what's going on.

Or like how many people are walking around with UTIs? So many, and you don't know.

Exactly.

Couple days later, after me initially trying to squeeze, at this point, it's getting much more swollen, and it's super, super tender, and I'm like, there's definitely a problem here. So at this point, I would wear leggings a lot, and when I'm wearing leggings, I could stand up and look down and clearly see like I was swollen on one side.

Oh, wow. You had like a beer belly all of a sudden.

I had a bulge.

Yeah. Wow. Nice, prominent bulge.

Yeah, so I try squeezing again, like let me just try.

You and I are identical twins.

Yeah, I think I can just do surgery on myself. It'll be fine.

I got to get through this point where it hurts and then great relief on the other side. I just got to commit.

Exactly, and so I squeezed and I felt some relief, but instead of it like coming out, it kind of felt like it went in, and I immediately was like, that's not right, and we're just going to leave that be and wait a few days. So I ignore it a few more days, and at this point, it's very, very swollen. So the guy I was messing around with at the time, I've told him I'm sick, I've got the flu, you know, you can't come over, and now I've spiked a fever. You have a fever.

Uh-oh.

And I'm like, okay, maybe it's just a coincidence. It can't be related, right? So I'm taking a bunch of meds, hoping I can level the fever out, and after about like six hours of being at a fever around like 102, 103, I mean high fever, I call my sister and I'm like, can you please bring me to the ER? I can't even drive. And I haven't told her about the waxing thing.

Right.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and I'm like, everyone needs to think that my snatch is perfect.

Yeah, yeah, can't have word out on the street being. you got rushed to the ER to deal with your swollen vagina. Exactly.

So we get there and I tell the doctor, hey, I've got a fever, also not telling the doctor.

Oh, no.

I know, it's so bad.

Again, I see you.

They're running all of these tests. They're like, we can't figure it out. And I'm like, that's so weird. Why can't we get this figured out? So after probably three or four hours, they're about to discharge me and I'm like, okay, we need to let them know what's going on because nothing's gonna get better.

But did you love it?

No, I was like screaming. It was horrible. If it was on anybody else, I would have been the one like, let me help, let me get in there, but not on myself. It was so painful. And it was a mix of like pussy blood.

Optimistic.

Yeah, a couple of days go by.

I fucked an hour later.

Thankfully I was like, okay, there will be no sex at this point.

You've been shot in the short area.

Not the good hospital. But at this point I'm desperate. I'm like, I already know the issue. I don't need you to diagnose me. Like, I'll tell you the problem, just cut into me and get it out.

Again, another, oh God.

So I get to the second hospital, and this one's different in that at the first ER I was at, the nicer hospital, you're in your own room, doors shut, you've got full privacy. This other hospital, everyone's kind of in the same area, and you just have that curtain.

Yeah, and you can hear everyone talking.