Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card III
2023-12-01 01:00:41
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, I'm Daniel Roebuck and I'm joined by Monica Pladman.
Hi.
Hi.
I kind of wish it was Pladman.
The Pladmans of Georgia.
Because then people would call me like-.
Platty?
Pladhead.
What about Platty like platypus?
Yeah, platty.
You wouldn't like platypus. A mammal that lays eggs?
No, it's kind of like chinchilla.
I thought you kind of are a platypus. It's because you're a mammal that lays big eggs.
This was a story. Tell us, a crazy story about eggs.
Nope.
Okay. Could that be a prompt?
Sure. Okay.
This is Wild Card.
Yes, we love it.
We love it. We do. I got to say these are our favorite to record, because we really don't know what's coming.
It could go anywhere.
Only Emma knows what's about to hit us.
That's right. It's so fun.
Let me just glance through these four to see if people can listen. They can.
Yeah. Um, eh.
I think this is kind of okay.
Okay.
Yeah. It's not great, but none of these are going to be good. No. Other than the one that tells us about an act of kindness.
Yeah. They're all going to be nasty.
Yeah.
Till the end of time.
That's what this is. Yeah. It's a tour down the nasty alley. Definitely. Please, enjoy Wild Card.
Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. Remember one thing, you got to know. I'm going to keep on shining.
I'm Wild Card.
Hello.
Oh, connecting.
Oh, you can read that? Hi, Dylan.
Hi, guys.
I have to interrupt you real quick. I can't read it, but I know that that little sentence on the bottom means it's connecting.
Okay. But I wanted to make sure, because my eyes, I was just testing. No.
I can't fucking see that. Dylan, how old are you?
I am 31..
So your eyes are probably bulletproof.
They're stellar. Oh. They're excellent so far.
So.
So envious.
I can see you, beautiful people, just fine. Oh, good.
You're a very organized young man. I love your hats.
Thank you. You know, I'd credit my wife for a last minute, like, we need to put some shit behind you because this isn't going to work. There's a duffel bag and, you know, an open watch box. I'm like, you're right. What do we do here?
So we did a little dry run yesterday and got everything. Oh.
I hate to be stereotypical, but I definitely was excited that you did that with the hats, and now it's like, yeah, obviously the wife did it.
Well, let me say this, Monica. They were over here in a different section. They were still organized. I just had to slide them. Okay.
Dylan. Have you watched the Beckham doc? I was just going to say that.
I know you are. Because of your sweater. Okay. I have not, but I heard you guys talking about how great it was and I was getting my hair cut yesterday. Maybe not.
Maybe because I was going to come meet you guys, but it got brought up and I was like, I've heard it was great. I need to watch it.
Well, one of the many interesting, unique things is his closet, and the way he organizes his clothes is so OCD. I love it. I could never keep a closet like his, but it's so appealing.
Oh, that's funny. Because I was going to bring up when you lifted your hand to drink your water, you're wearing a Beckham-esque sweater.
That sounds like a huge compliment. I'm going to take that.
You're triggering two different Beckham memories, which is the dream. I'm trying to now look like him.
You know, I don't think I belong in the same sentence as Beckham, but I'm going to take all the love. I love it.
All right. So what's fun about this prompt, wild card, is we have no clue what's coming our way.
Yes. It's a wild card. I will tell you that.
Well, Dylan, tell us what happened.
Okay. This story takes place in downtown Denver almost seven years ago now. So at the time, my wife and I were living downtown, working downtown. I was working as an auditor at an accounting firm. So this was late January, maybe early February, but either way, any auditors out there listening know that's our busy season, we call it.
Just grueling hours, working around the clock, tons of deadlines to meet.
Because tax season's approaching. April 15th. Is that why?
You're about the thousandth person to assume that, Dax. But from the audit side, what I was doing, we come in and we audit the client's financial statement. So if there's a 60 or 75 day, depending on how large the company is, to file your financial statements with the SEC, the auditor comes in and makes sure the books and records are all kosher, how they should be. So that's why we are just slammed and it happens to line up with tax season. Anyway, my own mom and dad still ask me, like, aren't you glad you're not doing that tax season stuff anymore?
I'm like, it's not exactly the same. Needless to say, it was a busy night. Not unlike the others. It was just a typical weeknight. I'm in the office late and I start to text my wife to see what she's up to.
I knew she'd gone out to dinner with some friends. We decide, let's meet at our friend's apartment. They lived really close. Essentially, a park separated our apartment building from our good friends. So I said, I don't want you walking home late at night in the dark through the park.
So I'll meet you there in about a half hour, we'll walk home. Important detail, I had my headphones in at this point and just blasted the music up full blast, like it had been a very long day. I pack up to leave. at this point. It's well after 10 p.m.
I'm the last one in this office building. So the door I'd gotten accustomed to leaving out of that late at night was this side door. Every night there'd be a security guard there, like 24-7, just sitting in a chair. I'd always say goodnight to him. This particular night I noticed he wasn't there, which I thought was kind of odd, but didn't think too much of it.
I just kept on walking. The rest of the walk was pretty ordinary until I got about halfway through this park that I spoke of. that separated our friend's apartment from ours. And I will never forget this, this sensation of what am I looking at? Because I just started to notice shadows on the ground, like on my feet of the trees I'm walking under.
I can like see the tree branches. You know, it's been a long day. I'm tired, but I know enough to be like, I shouldn't be seeing shadows. It's 11 p.m. at this point.
So I look up and there's a helicopter hovering over me with its spotlight shining directly on top of me. On you? On me.
Wow. Okay.
As soon as I look up at it, it just kind of moves the light off and flies away. It's like, okay, well, that was weird. But at this point my mind immediately goes to, there'd been a lot of drownings in the Platte River that flows through downtown Denver. It was like an unordinary high water time of year. There were several people that had gone missing and my mind immediately went there.
I was like, oh, they must be searching for someone in the river. Like how terrible. Hope they find them. And I just keep walking. I'm actually going over the bridge to cross this river.
And as I'm halfway over the bridge, now, I noticed to my left, just on the other side of the park, this main street that comes down, cop cars are just flying down, lights, sirens, headed in the direction that I'm going. So I'm getting nervous. My wife's in that general direction. So I start calling her and doesn't answer. Call her again, doesn't answer.
At this point, I'm at my friend's apartment. I'm in this courtyard just waiting, trying to get ahold of my wife. I do finally see, like way off in the distance, her and our two friends walking towards me. Big sigh of relief. She's safe.
They're safe. I quickly don't see them anymore, because all of a sudden, four cop cars come off of the street, into this courtyard of this apartment complex.
They jumped the curbs and they're driving.
Jumped the curb in my direction. And even then, I remember my friend telling me like, yeah, I'm pretty confident, this guy below is when he's selling drugs out of his window. So I go to that. I'm like, oh, I might get to see a drug bus. This might actually be kind of cool.
So a moment of excitement, which quickly dissipates when all eight doors of these four cars fly open, eight cops, eight guns drawn directly at me. Oh, wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. You're the show that people get to watch.
Absolutely.
Would the prompt be, tell us about a time you murdered someone and you didn't know it.
Like a night terror murder.
I like where your head is going. I still have my headphones on full blast, so I don't know what's being shouted at me. I like go pull out a headphone and I just hear drop it, drop it on the ground, on the ground. Drop what? I'm like, oh, I'm holding my phone.
So I like drop my phone. I do as I'm told. I'm on my knees. And like within seconds, I'm in handcuffs.
Oh, my God.
I'm going into shock a little bit, but I know I've done nothing wrong. I literally left work 15 minutes ago. Stay calm. This has to be a mistake. The cop, this kind of makes me laugh.
looking back. The one that cuffed me, it was clearly new because he starts asking me some questions that I think a seasoned officer would know how to handle. He asked if I have any weapons on me, which is fair.
Textbook.
Any weapons in your backpack, which is my work bag. I'm like, there's a laptop and a fucking 10 key calculator. Like no, there's no weapons in the backpack.
Unless you've got some dirty books, then yeah, it's a weapon.
You're right. That certainly could be.
You're cooking the books, that 10 key will sort that out.
You're right. And he asks if there's a way to get my backpack off without uncuffing me.
Oh, my God.
Use your brain. I don't know what to say. So he turns to his partners. Well, what do we do? And they pick me up, place me on this bench, go through my stuff from there.
Then some of the questions start to come, like, who are you? What are you doing here? They ask where I'm coming, from, which I say work. And they ask what I do. I say I'm an accountant.
Immediately, I just start to feel a little, well, that sounds fishy. Like, unless you know what I do, why is an accountant leaving work at 11 PM at night? Yeah.
And they're like, it's not tax season. That's April 15th.
Exactly. So. I'm like, this doesn't sound great for me, but it is the truth. So I continue. They ask, where's your office?
I give him the cross streets, just kind of nods and walks away. At this point, there's quite a scene developing. Everybody and their mother is out of their apartments, wondering what the hell is going on. Coming up, cops are screaming to get back.
Is the helicopter hovering overhead?
The helicopter's gone. I never saw the helicopter again, but there's more cops than there were that initially pulled up into the courtyard. Oh my God. People everywhere, lights flashing on me. And I'm just trying to soak this all in.
Like what the hell is going on? I start to think of like Dateline, Monica, I love your Dateline stories. I'm like, okay, I've seen a lot of Dateline. I've seen plenty of TV. Like the innocent person, how do they fuck up in this situation?
Well, they typically scream and yell and get upset and like freak out. I'm like, I'm going to do the opposite. I'm just going to stay home. Like this will work itself out. That approach works for about a minute probably, as I'm just sitting there quietly until I hear one of the cops on the radio say, yep, we got him.
What the fuck? Oh, my God.
Know the fuck, you do not. Yeah.
Yeah.
I need to stick up for myself. I don't know what's going on, but they don't have the right guy.
Oh, this is so scary. Yeah.
I work the balls up to just be like, excuse me, officer, can I ask what's going on? He comes over and he says, an officer has been shot. Oh my God. He was shot in the exact location you claim to be coming from. There were two witnesses.
You match the description that they gave us. They are on their way here to identify you. And if you had nothing to do with this, then you have nothing to worry about. That's a lot to take in. Yeah.
You're now relying on two people.
And did you think in your head, did I do it?
I didn't get to that point, but I was like, holy shit.
He's not in the twilight zone, he's in Denver.
I know I would think that for a second, like, wait, is it possible I blacked out or something?
It gets worse, Monica, which I did start to really question my own sanity here in a minute. But when he first says that, I just say, oh my God, that's terrible. Like I told you, I'm here to meet my wife. Talk about wrong place at the wrong time. And he goes, we'll see about that.
And just turns around and like walks away.
Well, can I say, Dylan, you're already lucky. When an officer gets shot, man, everyone's in another headspace. Like the fact that no one shot when all eight were pointed at you is like, you know, that's about the most dangerous situation you can be in, as if an officer has been shot.
Trust me, Dex, I've thought about that so many times, of just how lucky I am. it didn't go another way.
Look, let's be honest. If you were black, you would have been shot.
I've thought it many times. I remember your story about after the Lakers won, and, you know, the things could have gone a different way. This story came to mind when you told that, like, yep, I am very privileged and I just will accept that. So at this point, he tells me that he walks off and I'm like, oh, we're not off to a great start with this guy. He's starting to question me a little bit, starting to get in my head.
A while back in the story, but in reality, not that long before, I told you I'd seen my wife approaching.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, I just hear, are you fucking kidding me?
He's never even held a gun. Like, this is so fucked up.
She's a mighty mouse, Monica. Yes. All five foot three of her is like storming through this crowd.
I love it.
And this is not hyperbole. She gets through two cops before this female, just, like, blows lines her.
Oh, my god. They send the broad in.
I hear two or three more F-bombs come out of her mouth before. I'm like, Megan, stop, stop. It's OK. I'm OK. This is a mistake.
We don't both need to go to jail tonight. Please stop screaming at officers. My friend is able to corral her and get her inside. Another officer comes over. He's like, she was saying.
this is her husband. Was that your wife? I'm like, that's her. I told you I was coming to escort that helpless wife of mine home.
I think she's going to be walking me home from now on. You know, I start to feel like a zoo animal. Everyone's still circled around trying to figure out what's going on. We're just waiting for these witnesses at this point. Man, did it feel like a long time.
As calm and rational and reasonable as I felt like I was that night, the one dumb thing I did, I finally looked up at the officer and said, officer, can I ask you a question? He's like, what? I'm like, is he OK? And he just looks at me. He gives me this puzzled look.
Is who OK? What are you talking about? The officer. He's like, what officer? I'm like, you just told me two minutes ago that an officer has been shot.
I'm just asking if he's OK. And he goes, I never told you that. What the fuck?
I thought he was going to say, I didn't say it was a he. You know, that old trick. You know, that was a mistake. I'm going to agree with you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a little weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So now I'm like, I'm fucked. I am so fucked. At the very least, I'm spending the night in jail. I'm going to have to lawyer up. I've just admitted.
I know a cop's been shot. Yeah, I know that I was at the scene of this. Like, I am so screwed. So finally, they tell me to stand up off the bench, walk me to the center of this courtyard. I see another cop pull off the curb into the courtyard, shining his giant spotlight in my face.
They tell me to look straight, chin up. That felt like a lifetime until I finally heard the door open and just heard negative, negative. And like within an instant, cuffs are off. Oh, people scram. Like the cops do U-turns and they're out of the courtyard.
The crowd disperses. And it's just me.
Yeah, because the guy is still out there. Exactly.
So the only people that are left are the two officers, kind of the rookie and the guy that was playing mind freak with me. He has me write a statement. He doesn't apologize. He was very polite and respectful. Thanks me for my cooperation.
And as I'm writing my statement, to your point, Dax, the 9-1-1 operator comes across the radio and says, again, we're looking for a tall, white male, six foot to six foot, two brown hair, brown beard, wearing a black coat, khaki pants and a black backpack.
What if they re-arrested you?
And he looks me up and down like it is me to a fucking T. Yeah, he just says like, do you understand why we grabbed you? I'm like, yes. He said, the helicopter spotted me.
He was screaming. my name's Dylan as he left the scene.
I was free to go home. I didn't sleep a wink that night. I was just trying to come down. from this crazy experience. I find out what really happened, which I mean, breaks my heart.
It is a tragedy. Sure enough, outside my office building, someone just walked up, shot and killed an officer and took off. Two women did witness this. I did match this description. I went back and put the timeline together.
I am certain if I didn't have my headphones on full blast sitting there packing up, that I would have heard this gunshot. But I didn't hear shit. Yeah, I went out the side door and I headed one direction towards where I live, towards the park. He shot the officer and took off into downtown, further into the city. And they caught him shortly after they had me hiding out on some patio downtown.
Was it a Dateline episode? Was there someone's wife in the middle of all this?
No. From what I can tell, someone had just gone insane. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah.
Actually, here I have a picture because I was so thankful. Obviously, when those witnesses were staring at me, that I must not have looked anything like this person, because clearly they're in shock. If I look anything like that, I'm sure it could be. I don't know. Like that might be him.
I mean, I know that's how I'm sure I would have responded in a crazy situation like that. This isn't great for the listener, but I'll at least show you guys. This is the mugshot after they caught him.
Fuck, no wonder. OK, so just for the listener. Wow, wow, wow. He only has one eye. He has crazy long hair.
He has a huge beard. He looks just like Charlie Manson if Charlie Manson had one eye. And he's been shooting dope in his forehead.
I don't mean to laugh. It's just you look nothing like him.
Yeah, no, that guy is. Yeah. If anything, Dylan looks like Lane Norton. So just compare Lane Norton and Charlie Manson.
Well, Charlie Manson had two eyes and was a little. Uglier. Charlie. Exactly. A little handsome.
The next day, I'll just give you a quick kind of where this went from there. Boss texted me like, oh, my God, something horrible happened. Someone was shot like right outside the office. I'm like, yeah, I have a story about that. I'll be in a little later today.
I kind of took my time getting to work that day. As soon as I got there, I tell the team, and, you know, it spread.
So had the security guard left his post to go see what had happened?
Thank you. I meant to circle back to that. I never got a chance to ask him. I never saw that security guard again, but I'm guessing that's what happened. Yeah, there was a gunshot.
He took off to go tend to the scene. I walk out moments later, not a clue in the world, and go down on my own happy way for a second.
I thought it was going to be that it was him who got shot, that that was a security guard being the officer, not him.
But yeah, man, I told that story 20 times that day. And it certainly has become sort of a folklore around the company of be careful during busy season, working downtown. The last kind of punch line that I chuckle out a little bit to this day. So I tell a story that day at work. The day goes pretty much as usual after that.
And we're working late again. My boss goes, nobody's walking home. Everybody takes an Uber. Like, you got it. Happy to not walk tonight.
Yeah. Next morning rolls around. We come back in and my co-workers sit there waiting for me. He's like, Dylan, I got a story for you. I'm like, all right.
What could you have? that compares to what I just went through? Let me hear it. I was like, well, I got in the Uber last night and my Uber driver said, that's just so sad. what happened last night to the officer.
They caught him, though. I saw the whole thing. They caught him right outside my apartment building.
I was there. No. He looks like Lane Norton.
Wait, that's crazy.
He was gracious enough to correct her like, oh, no, no, no. That's actually a co-worker of mine. Wrong person. But I mean, for a while I was like, I can't show my face at my best friend's apartment anymore because people think I'm an escaped murderer. It took me a little to get over that.
I've told the story many times to anyone and everyone that will listen. But that is my wild card. Yeah, that was wild. Thank you guys for having me. This is a little dream come true.
So nice to speak with you guys.
Yeah, right back at you. Bye. Everyone waved. You were right. You're vindicated.
You stand corrected.
You're really rubbing my nose in it, because I already offered an apology. No, but you really.
I don't care because.
Because you don't care. You embarrassed her, you know?
That's right.
Thank you.
Did you hear that weird squeak earlier? Oh, that was a weird squeak.
Hello. Hello. It's really you. Yes, it is. Is this Carrie?
This is Carrie. Yes.
Nice to meet you. What an elegant closet you have.
I get the chance to talk to you guys, and it's not how I envisioned our first meeting would be in my closet. But here we are.
What city are you in, Carrie?
I'm in Portland, Oregon.
Ah, PDX. My whole family's up there.
Best airport, would you say?
I would not. No. In fact, I have beef with PDX. I think the security line at PDX is very hit or miss. Sometimes you walk up and you're like, oh, no.
What is this going to take? The airport itself is nice. But you don't think that line gets a little bonkers?
It does, but they win all kinds of awards. Really? Yeah.
It's a beautiful airport.
I don't remember that. What's the best restaurant there?
Ooh, I like Henry's. It's good for some mimosas, a burger.
OK, you know your audience.
Did you happen to hear the episode where we had gone to a wedding up there and we ate repeatedly at... I can't remember the name now. The breakfast spot. Carol's. Carol's or...
Oh, yeah.
A woman's name.
Cheryl's. Yes.
Love Cheryl's. So, Carrie, because it's wildcard, we have no idea what the topic is. you're going to speak on. And we're so excited. As soon as Monica tends to her ringing phone.
I titled this one, tell us about a time you were involved in a freak accident.
Oh, I'm titillated.
So the story takes place here in Portland. It was December 2016,, a couple of years ago.
Can I tell you something weird, Carrie? We've heard six stories today, and virtually all of them have taken place in 2016.. The story we just heard, he said seven years ago. I didn't do the math out loud, but that's 2016..
Oh, that is bizarre.
There's something spooky happening.
Well, 2016 wasn't the best year.
Oh, I forgot.
We were leaving my youngest daughter's Christmas performance from preschool and my husband had to then take off for a coaches meeting across town, preparing to be a basketball coach for our daughters. So I head home with my three girls alone, dealing with bedtime routines. You know, it's getting kind of late in the evening. As we all know, bedtime can get a little bit hairy.
Worst part of the day.
Worst time of the day.
Yes. When my oldest, who was in third grade at the time, realizes that she hasn't finished her homework. So she's sitting at our kitchen island and I'm kind of leading over her, helping her with math. Tensions are starting to rise. She claims I don't know how to do elementary school math.
It's not the way her teacher's teaching her.
She's right.
They don't teach it the same anymore. They don't.
Three plus three is not six. You have to explain why it's six, right? You have to give paragraphs. So we're getting more and more frustrated with one another. And during all of this, as she's getting even more frustrated, she kind of wibbles her body around quickly in the bar stool and throws her hands up in the air and yelling, you know, I can do this on my own.
And proceeds to stab me in the eye with her pencil.
Oh, no.
Ew. Oh. Fuck. It happened so fast, of course. And so I immediately cupped my eye with my hand, and I can just feel my hand is just filling with blood.
I'm gushing blood.
Is the pencil stuck in the eyeball or has come out? It has come out.
It is still in her hand.
Holy fucking blood's coming out of your eyeball? It's still in her hand.
So she literally just like stabbed.
Oh yeah, like fatal attraction.
Yeah, threw her hands up. And so I immediately freak out, of course, but I go into our hall bathroom and lock the door just to assess. Do I still have an eyeball? What is happening? She's screaming.
I'm so sorry, mommy. You know, freaking out, crying. And meanwhile, my other two now are getting out of bed. They hear this commotion. They come downstairs.
They see blood all down our hallway to the bathroom. And I'm in the bathroom kind of leaning over the sink. And of course, the sink is filling with blood. Oh.
I'm terrified to look in the mirror.
Of course.
I'm convinced that I've lost my eyeball.
Do you remember being cognizant of whether or not you could see out of the stabbed eye?
Great question. I tried to open my eye, and I had no eyesight out of that eye. So I'm even more convinced. I can't see. So I try to call my husband, who's at this meeting across town.
And it's getting snowy and icy. It's December in Portland. And maybe like the third time, he finally answers the phone. He's hearing the screaming in the background. And all I say to him is, Anna stabbed me in the eye.
So it's probably the worst way to lead a conversation, but he's trying to figure out, like, what the heck are you talking about?
Get home, honey. I'm blind.
Exactly. So he kind of tries to calm me down, talks me off of a ledge, and gets the idea we have a friend who lives nearby who happens to be an ophthalmologist. So he says, I'm going to call him. I can't get over to you immediately. Anybody that knows the Portland area in the winter, we don't know how to drive in the ice and snow.
The whole city just shuts down.
As good as the airport is, the driving could be better. Wait, pause.
No one is like, call 911.. You're bleeding so much.
In retrospect, yes, we should be calling 911.. But we're trying to just calm everything down.
Everyone hates calling 911..
Well, it's expensive to take an ambulance ride. Even if you live next to an ophthalmologist, no one wants to pay.
So our friend comes over, and he tries to assess what's happening. I'm explaining I can't see out of my eye. And as he's looking at me, he's saying, the reason you can't see out of your eye right now, you have your eyeball. He rest assures, I have my eyeball. It's just so bloody.
So we clean it up. And he starts to look and explain. Eye wounds and head wounds, of course, bleed much more than most part of your body. So it's actually not as traumatic as you think. But what had happened is when you pull down kind of your eyelid, where your eyelid and your eyeball connect, that was totally sliced from those pencil.
Oh.
Yeah, it was totally sliced open.
I got to ask a really gross question. But has the lead broken off in there?
Yeah, great question.
Well, we looked as well. And no, it was a clean slice, completely, in and out. Yeah, it was so disgusting, of all things. And eye wounds, I think, are even more gross.
Oh, it's the most vulnerable part of your whole being. Your brain is hanging out of your head. It's part of your brain. It's not. It's not.
No, it is. If you listen to Huberman talk, it's actually part of your brain. It's the only thing that's connected to your brain that's exposed to the, yeah.
So more and more, he's still looking me over. And says, you know, actually, eye wounds clear up from trauma pretty easily. He had some steroid cream. And he just instructed me, he said, use a steroid cream. In the morning, if you have a hard time seeing, definitely go to the doctor.
But I really think you're going to be OK. And I'm starting to kind of gain my eyesight back during all of this.
Oh, thank God.
I know. So he leaves the house. My husband finally gets home. Everything's fine. And in the morning, miraculously, I can see totally fine.
But my eye did look like it was straight out of a horror movie for several weeks. It was so gross.
Oh, my God.
What was it? It was bloodshot to high heaven? Or there was goop? What do we got?
All of the above. Bloodshot, it was black and blue. It just looked like I got beat up.
And how's your daughter?
Well, it was so fun talking to her again about this story. And she was just like, I was just so scared. Everyone was just so scared because we didn't know. And I'm locked in the bathroom with blood on the hallway. It just was terrible.
You had quite a bit of leverage over her for at least a couple of weeks.
For sure.
Oh, completely. You know, if she'd complained to me, I remember for a short time. thereafter, I would just pull down my eyelid and show it.
What are you going to do, stab me in the eye again? Exactly.
To this day, honestly, I do not get near them doing homework because I am like PTSD. Anywhere near a pencil. So that was my freak accident. It all worked out well, but it was horrifying at the time.
Did the neighbor ask you to Venmo him?
Good question. No.
It was totally on the house. What a neighborly. wow. You know, if I ever go shopping for a house again in a neighborhood, and I'm talking to the real estate agent, I might inquire, are there any ophthalmologists in the neighborhood?
Or medical.
Professionals. Yes.
I think you need a plumber, an electrician, medical personnel, a lawyer.
Yeah, and I'll offer some mechanical assistance. Those type of people definitely need it. They spend too much time in medical school. They don't know about the internal combustion engine. Wow.
Wow, Carrie. That's the fool. I'm trying to think. I guess my ultimate fear, generally, when I have nightmares, the nightmare I have all the time is my teeth are falling out.
Oh, gosh.
I think I've had orthodontia for so fucking long.
It's like PTSD.
So I'm trying to decide whether I would rather get stabbed in the eye or have my teeth knocked out. But they're tied.
I would rather get my teeth knocked out, for sure.
Oh, wow, both of you, teeth knocked out.
Also, because you can get fake teeth. I mean, you can get another eye, and that's great. Yeah. A glass eye.
I think they're coral now, but yeah.
Prosthetic.
Yes, I would vote teeth any day, trust me. Granted, I've never had my teeth knocked out, but having this eye trauma was horrible.
Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof.
Oh, man.
Wow, thanks for sharing that.
Yeah, that was a clincher.
That made us feel gross.
Yeah.
It was a total freak accident. This has been so, so fun. And, if it's OK, I'd love to just share with you guys how much this opportunity means to me. It came at such a fun time and crazy time in my life. Earlier this summer, I got a stage four cancer diagnosis.
Oh, my gosh. And chatting with you guys, I deal with stress with humor, and levity. Podcast got me through all my chemo treatments this summer.
Oh, Carrie.
Actually, this Friday, I had my first surgery to remove some tumors. So the timing of chatting with you guys is like a light and a joy and a very stressful week for me. So thank you so much for this opportunity. It's been, honestly, the highlight of my life, and it's been so fun to chat with you.
I'm so grateful to have you.
Also, I'm a little angry at the universe, because you're clearly a very sweet person who's raising three little girls. And the notion that you've been stabbed in the eye, and then you have a cancer diagnosis.
Yeah, it's not fair.
The shit should be happening to me.
OK, knock on wood. Knock on wood.
Knock on wood. Knock on wood.
OK. Yeah, I just want to show my gratitude through such a odd, weird, Gary time and contributing to the humor and the messiness of being human, right?
Well, we're the lucky ones to get to have people like you in our orbit.
Yeah, thank you, Gary, for sharing that. And obviously, good luck with all that.
We're going to send you a lot of love and well wishes.
Very sorry, you're going through that.
I so appreciate it. The timing was just perfection. So thank you guys.
Give our love to that basketball coach and the three little girls. Nice meeting you. Yeah, I'm going to wave every time now.
I hated that.
I know, it's so insanely unfair.
That makes me want to get under the covers and never come out. Because life is too scary and upsetting and sad. I'm going to do it.
Well, it sounds like maybe you wanted to.
I already wanted to.
You already wanted to.
OK, that story reminds me. Do you know the story about Simone?
I don't know if I do.
OK, Simone, really amazing makeup artist in LA, does Kristen's makeup. Sometimes it's mine, sometimes it's yours.
Yeah, she's the best.
She really is.
She's the very best.
So good. So she used to do Will Ferrell's on set.
Yeah, I think she did the basketball movie.
and a couple of others. Yeah, she's done a couple of movies. And she was on, I want to say Step Brothers, maybe. She was doing Will's makeup. And so she was on set.
She dropped something. She bent down to get it. She felt something weird in her eye. When she bent down, there was like garment bags hanging over a chair with the hook of the coat hanger like hanging out. The coat hanger went in to her eye.
Socket? Into. the socket. Was hanging.
The garment was hanging from her face.
Yes. Oh, my God.
She had become a coat hanger. Yeah.
She pulled it out. Yeah. Like, I mean, that was the instinct, was just like pull it out. And then she, obviously like, went to the hospital.
Sued Will Ferrell.
She didn't. Or the movie. They're lucky. But it went like right, thank God, there's like an opening. There's like a tube.
A gap. So it, just like, went right in there. She probably had to wear a patch or something for a little bit, but it didn't. I wore a patch. I know.
It didn't do permanent damage or anything, but can you, you bend down in the.
No.
What?
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
I'd pick that over my teeth getting knocked out though.
No, you wouldn't. I would.
Coat hanger in your eyeball.
Yeah, for sure. Over my teeth getting knocked out.
But why were you involved in all these fights where that was like probably a high probability?
It was. You know, this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but when you're engaging in battle, the last thing you're worried about is your physical safety.
I can't.
You've thrown that to the wind.
I know, but you were choosing to engage in that fight. And if you're scared so much about your teeth.
Well, in a Sapolsky way, I don't ever experience the choice. I experience the inciting incident, and then I feel myself reacting, you know?
Right, but can you see objectively that.
That if you have that fear, you should stay away from fisticuffs.
Well, sure, yes. And objectively, someone coming up and punching you in the face randomly is different than you reacting to some stimuli and then engaging in a fight and saying, meet me outside.
To you, yes. To me, no.
You don't think that's the same.
I know it's not, because when it reaches the point where two guys are screaming, fuck you, motherfucker, at each other in their faces, what's happening next is someone's getting hit first. And after you've been hit first a couple of times, while someone's screaming in your face, fuck you, motherfucker, what you learn is, when I hear fuck you, motherfucker, I better be the first one to swing, because it's coming. So it's almost like, because the dots have been connected, the in my face, fuck you, it might as well be the punch, because I know what's coming next, you know? Next caller.
Hello. Hello.
Grace, how are you?
So nice to meet you both. Thank you so much for having me.
Oh, we're delighted to. Where are you calling from?
I am in New York City. And I apologize, Monica, because I am a big rule follower, but I do not have a closet.
That's okay.
Well, of course, you live in New York City. You'd have to be a billionaire.
Yeah, I cannot fit in there.
It's okay, you still sound great.
What part of New York are you in?
I'm in Brooklyn. Is that where you live? Yeah.
I can't really see you that well.
You need to tilt.
That's better, that's better.
Yeah, there we go. That says a lot about your ego. That means you were actually looking at us, because if you were looking at yourself, which people tend to do on a Zoom, you would have noticed we only saw half your face. That's really true. It's a feather in your cap that you didn't notice that.
Good.
Part of me, can I be dead honest? Yeah. And even while you were saying it, I had some anxiety. I thought maybe she has an enormous goiter in your neck, which people get.
I thought it too. She was covering it for a reason. Yes. But we would love her anyway. We would.
So we needed to see more.
So it's funny you say that, because there are actually some pictures I have where my neck looks ginormous.
I don't know why. You don't have Graves' disease or anything, do you?
I don't, I don't. I will try to find it. I did swim in college, and I had pretty significant traps, which I think kind of expanded the size of my neck.
Sure.
But CVS didn't be dirty on a passport photo. My neck looked big.
It'd be dirty.
To the point where I would go through security, and they would be like, congrats, you look. Oh, wow.
Jacked. Oh, wow. You know, my ex-girlfriend Bree had a similar thing. She got a license photo, and she wore a white collared shirt. Something happened whereby the unbuttonness, it looked like her neck was about 16 inches long.
Oh, shit. It is insane.
I'm gonna ask her for that as well. I already asked someone else for a license photo today. Okay, so you're in Brooklyn. Are you close to Clinton Hill at all?
I am close to Clinton Hill.
Have you been to Emily Pizza?
Of course.
Oh, we just love it.
So good, isn't it?
We get delivery from there a fair amount. The delivery is not as good.
It never is.
Yeah, well, that burger is a soup. I don't know how that would travel. By the time it gets to you, it's probably just-.
Disintegrated.
Yeah, emulsified. Okay, so this is Wild Card. We have no idea, Grace, what this is about, and it's very exciting for us. Tell us what happened.
Yes, so this took place in 2015..
Oh, my God.
So I was still living in New York City. I was a year out of college.
Really quick, are you sure it didn't happen in 2016?? And I'm gonna tell you why. You're the eighth person we've talked to today, in six of the previous seven. The story was in 2016,, which I find to be impossible. Really?
Yes. As you were saying, 2000, I was like, oh my God, if it's 16, I'm gonna freak. But you're pretty sure it was 15..
I'm pretty sure it was 15, yeah.
Okay, okay.
So I swam in college. This was my first year out. I had a huge void, my kind of transition to becoming a swammer, and I needed to fill it with some sort of athletic pursuit, some goal. So I decided to sign up for the New York City Marathon. I had not ever run a half marathon before, and so I figured a marathon would be a great goal for me.
So I get to the starting line.
Really quick, hold on, you, get to the starting line. Was there any training between the decision?
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, lots of training.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
It was not a just sign up and go.
It wasn't Charlie Curtis, Perfect 10, Charlie style.
Didn't run a cold turkey. So my goal for myself was under four hours, which is, I think, like a nine minute pace. I had been running 8.30s, it felt achievable, but by no means trying to qualify or anything. I think, like Boston is a 3.30 or something. This is a ding, ding, ding,
because it was last weekend, no?
Yeah, yeah, it was crazy when I got this email, because it literally just happened. I was just cheering on some friends. And so I should also mention, the New York City Marathon is the first week in November. It is usually, it was like 60 degrees. I was in a tank top and shorts, which will become relevant later on.
So I start running. It starts in Staten Island. You go through all five boroughs. I run through Brooklyn. I pass the halfway point.
I'm feeling good, I'm feeling strong, and I start to really have to pee. And this is a big marathon. There are porta-potties everywhere. So it's not like I don't have a choice. It's just like, do I stop or do I not stop?
And so I get to mile 16, which is on the Queensborough Bridge. So it's a mile of the course that connects Queens to First Ave in Manhattan. And it's one of the only parts of the course that does not have spectators. And so I had a lot of time for internal contemplation. So I'm running across.
The pressure is really building. Like, I have to go. I'm not an elite person, but I'm just thinking, like, the elite runners are not stopping to pee. They're just peeing.
They're peeing.
This is known, or? You're not an elite runner, but you are an elite person because you swam in college. So you have that mentality.
That was the mentality I had. All in. That, and then also, I'm not a big sweater. So then I started looking around at everybody's legs. Everybody else's legs were wet.
I just assumed everybody else was peeing.
That was your assumption. Quick question on the shorts. What color are they? Please say black.
They were black.
Perfect.
You're going over the bridge where the cars are. So when you go down the exit ramp, it's a pretty steep decline. I cannot hold it anymore. I just release.
And you keep running as you pee or you stop?
Keep running.
Okay. Keep running. That's gotta be kind of hard, right? Because when I pee swimming, even that's a challenge.
I think I was able to relax a little bit because I was running downhill. Oh, right.
That makes sense.
Were they tight? Were they like bike shorts or were they more loose?
Loosey-goosey.
They were like looser Lululemon shorts.
Okay. Shroud out.
And so when you hit First Ave in Manhattan, it's one of the most populated areas of the course. There's like thousands of people, six people deep. I did not think I was going to see anyone. I felt pretty comfortable in the anonymity of all the rest of the runners in the crowd. As soon as I run down, I see my coworker.
Like he like locks eyes with me and he's like cheering for me, screaming for me. And so I was not self-conscious. I then became like immediately self-conscious about the fact that I had just peed myself, because also I was completely dry, except for my shorts and legs and sneakers were-.
Soaking wet. Oh my God.
So I'm trying to figure out how to make this look a little bit better. Like I've just been sweating, which is what everybody else looks like. So as soon as I get to the water station, I just like take a shower.
Oh, smart.
I now have cups of water on my head, cups of water on my tank top. I was dry on the bridge. Now it looks like I was in a dunk tank. Like I'm just dripping wet.
Yes, yes.
Also, that'll slow you down.
So I just keep it moving, keep running. I'm feeling good. I get to mile 20.. That was the furthest I had ever run. I'm still feeling really good.
I didn't hit the wall. I had to pee again at this point, and it wasn't even a question. I already knew what I had to do. Once I saw the water station in the distance, I just started peeing and then I got there and did the whole thing again.
Wait, really quick.
I imagine running behind you and seeing like wet shoe prints going on the ground.
And if you're right behind, if you're paying attention, which you're probably not, because you're so in your head in a marathon, you'd see it coming down.
Yeah, cascading down. And then the footprints, wet footprints everywhere.
And the shoe splash.
Okay.
Yeah, so I was soaking wet at this point and I'm not generating a lot of body heat. So keep running. It gets to mile 23 and I can't really see. And I'm just making any excuse for myself to keep it moving. Like, you know, I wear contacts.
My eyes have been open for a while. The wind must just be making it blurry, but I'm still feeling great. My body is feeling good. I haven't hit a wall. I keep running.
So then I start getting to 24.. And at this point, it is harder for me to keep my eyes open than it is for me to put one foot in front of the other. Like, I'm trying to keep my eyes open. And I keep telling myself that I'm just going to get to the next medic tent, the next medic tent. And then at this point, I'm just going to finish three because I have two miles left.
So the brain is an amazing thing. I get to the finish line. I do not get one step further than the finish line. You know, those like arches that they have. I'm like against the side, melting down.
I don't go the like five feet further. you have to go to get a medal. Cause. I am just sprawled on the finish line. And there's, you know, like thousands of runners.
that are trying to finish. Yeah, if you're afraid, you'll get trampled.
I was just like, I'm dying. I'm dying. Lying on the ground.
I'm dead. I think I died at mile 23..
There was other people jumping on top of me. So the next thing I know, they have me in the back of a golf cart. There's someone sitting on top of me, hitting my face, trying to keep me alert.
Oh, my God.
They start screaming, or at least I start hearing red alert, red alert, clear a bed. Am I dying? And they're like, no, honey, you're code green. You just have hypothermia. We were talking about the people behind you.
Oh, my God.
Hypothermia.
My peeing on myself due to competitive greatness led me to get hypothermia.
Cause of the cold water, you kept pouring on yourself.
My time, by the way, was four hours and 51 seconds. So had I stopped, I don't think it really would have made a big difference.
Oh, 51 seconds.
Fuck.
So I don't clearly know enough about hypothermia. I didn't know. one of the first early symptoms is your eyes start failing you.
Blurred vision, I think. And then there's a heavy drowsiness. Yeah. Confusion.
Disoriented.
Wow, also it came in kind of fast.
I think it feels like it hit fast, but like 16 to 23 was still like two hours.
Oh, that's true.
Not really two hours, but close.
Did they put one of those shiny blankets on you?
Of course they did. Yeah, I love those. And then there was some medical students having me do like salt shock.
Oh, cool. Oh, that's cool. They get all the students out there to help with the cascade of people who just fucked themselves up willingly.
This is a great time to talk about electrolytes.
Is it?
Yeah. Tell us your take on electrolytes. That's what the salt shot was essentially. Yeah.
How long did it take before you felt normal again?
I think like a few hours. I actually had to fly somewhere because I had a work conference the next day. The best part was that I had to be a mic runner. It was like this huge conference and I had to run the mic to the table. Oh.
I was in heels because it was still a pretty corporate, formal session. So I was like waddling over to everybody's tables with the mic.
Peeing in your dress. Now you're so used to it. Anytime you feel like peeing, you just involuntarily.
Oh, my God. Wow, what a turn of events.
Did you ever run another marathon, or was that enough for you?
I think I might run another one sometime, but not anytime soon. I did run a swim run with my twin sister. that was 20 miles of swimming and running. And we were tethered together.
What?
That sounds. Is this like at a Polish festival or something? This sounds so bizarre.
I think the race originated in Sweden and then now it's called, I'm gonna like butcher it, but it's O-T-I-L-L-O. It means island to island. And so in the U.S. it's like an adventure race. And so the one we did was in Maine and you run and swim from island to island.
Oh, my God, nothing sounds worse.
What about a triathlon for you? Are you good on a bike?
Going downhill makes me nervous on the bike. Yeah, that's fair.
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