Eva Longoria

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined, so weird when you're sitting side saddle. I know. We don't do the intros side by side.

We don't, we do them across the way.

You're always on the couch.

Yeah, but not today.

No way, we're turning it on its head, or its side. We have a very fun guest today, Eva Longoria. Did that make you uncomfortable? A little. Eva Longoria.

She directed it.

She directed it, yeah, and it's about Richard Montanez. She tells me how to pronounce it, and I'm not doing it correctly. But the gentleman who created Flamin' Hot, Cheetos. Yeah. Yeah, fascinating story, and then she's just so cool.

She is, she's really fun. This is a bouncy one.

It's a bouncy, fun, high-energy one. Please enjoy Eva Longoria.

He's an armchair expert.

We're exactly the same age. I don't know if you had put that together. 1975?. Yes, ma'am. No way.

Wow, thank God somebody's older than me.

What are you, March 15th?

Oh, thank you, March 15th.

March 15th, January 2nd.

Okay. Three months. I just met somebody. Will.i.am, that's exactly March 15th, 1975..

And do you find that you're at all similar? Yes. I mean, musically, obviously.

Very.

Other than that.

Back in the day, in my wild days, you know, pre-children.

Wait, children?

Well, I have three stepchildren. Oh, you do?

Yeah.

And then I have one son.

Your hair's so long and beautiful. Oh, great. I love it.

I'm trying to get it out. I'm not this girl. I'm like sleeping. I'm like, what are you doing? I just need to, can somebody come get these things out of my head?

Do you want anything in it?

No, I'm perfect. Black is good.

Okay, I'm black too. I mean, I am, I'm black. No, I do wish.

Love these. These are comfy. Oh, good. How old are you? Baby.

Isn't he fucking cute? Yeah. People don't get to see Wobby Wob, but he's so cute. I took him to Las Vegas this weekend.

We pull him out as like a special. Do you know,

he was kind of getting the Charlie treatment in Vegas. Some girls fell in love with him and invited him to a strip club and he had to tell them, I'm a married man. I don't want to go to that. Oh, are you married? Yeah.

I don't know. You're a baby. He locked it down so young.

You have the same look on your face and we're the same age. Wait.

You have the same look. I mean, how old are we?

I feel like we're so old.

You're like, what? You should be.

Yeah, you're living it up. You don't want to know what I was doing at 35.. I was divorced twice. No kids. I feel like my assistant and my social media girl, they're babies and they don't go out.

The young people don't do anything, right?

They don't do anything.

There's real data. They don't have sex either. That's not good for her.

That's not good. No.

I think it's. a lot of people get validation off social media and they feel connected and then they don't need to really go do anything. I mean, it's bad.

All my assistants are cool and hip and they dress nice and I'm like, where are you wearing this to? Other than my house.

Yeah, to you. It's for you.

You only. This should not be wasted on me. Yeah. And they're like, I know.

This must be a 1975 thing, because this is me too, right? Monica will tell you. Everyone, I'm like, why aren't you guys out being young and having fun? Like, why aren't you meeting? What's going on?

My stepdaughter, she's 27 now, but she was coming to college to LA. She's from Mexico City. And I was like, this is gonna be amazing. Oh my God. I would have killed to go out of the country for college.

Paris or something? Yes, what?

Spain? What? I wanna go. And so I told her, you're gonna have the best time. And then she got a boyfriend right before she left in Mexico.

You're going to Baskin Robbins. You can sample all 31 flavors. You've got years to do this.

Yes. So I was like, oh, why would you get a boyfriend and be all settled down?

But then at what age do you think it switches over into? Well, it's time.

Okay, great. I love that. Sounds like a good time to settle down.

Lots of time left. How old are you? 36..

Okay, you're a baby too. But don't you think 50 is young?

Well, certainly now that I'm banging on its back door. Yeah. Well, twofold.

Well, 40 for sure is young, though.

Oh, yes, absolutely. You could probably run a marathon if you were inclined.

Yeah, I've started playing paddle tennis about 10 years ago. Not pickleball, to not pickleball.

What is the difference?

Well, the ball, the rackets, the court.

The whole game.

So a lot of the stuff. Completely different game.

It's a completely different game.

Do you have a chip on your shoulder? that pickleball is so popular now?

I don't, I own a pickleball team. Oh, well then fuck it. I do, I do. So great, good for them.

If you can't beat them, join them.

But I will say paddle is like a sport. It's hard, but literally three years ago, I was like, I think I might go pro. Wow.

Of course, yeah. And I'm horrible.

But in my head, I think I'm young enough to do that. My husband's like, have you seen video of yourself?

That's like Kristen, every time we watch the Olympics.

I could totally do that.

She thinks she can be in the Olympics like for real.

And I can't wrap my head around this. Yeah, but I really believe that. I believe that too.

That's why you're sitting where you're at. It is. I mean, it is part of the recipe. You have to be naively optimistic in some weird way.

Delusional, it's called delusion.

You have to be fucking delusional. I think about it all the time. You guys have the embers? You're fancy.

We make up for the wires with the embers.

Think of us as like a boutique hotel, where you know it's a shitty hotel, but we've got enough accoutrement to make you think it's nice.

There's incense. Yeah.

We got some candles.

You know what else too? I'm delusional in my optimism. I have body dysmorphia. the other way. I think I look amazing.

Oh, incredible.

No. That's not, hold on, hold, hold, hold. But is that not body dysmorphia?

No, because you look incredible. No, no, no.

I'm saying like, I go in a red carpet in this dress with peacock feathers. Isn't this stunning? And then I see the red carpet photos and I'm like, why the fuck am I wearing peacock feather? Or whatever it is. It literally is really bad.

I think the thing, you did look good. Maybe now, looking back, you have a different opinion. I've never seen you not look good.

I think I can solve it, though. I think it's like what she thought she looked like. Yeah. And then what objectively she sees she looks like.

How is it objective? It's all coming from her the whole time.

You're right. She is the single data set.

No, I think a lot of people, there was this consensus that it was not good. There you go.

We had children, I was 38 when the first one came. And, relative to other people with 10 year olds, I'm kind of old, but I'm like not a second too soon. I'm delighted I delayed. Yeah, me too. Right?

Mine was 43..

Aren't you just delighted that you chose it that way?

Because us coming up in this industry at that time was so much hustle. I remember submitting myself with Backstage West. Oh God, yeah.

Going to people's weird apartments.

and talking to a strange man. If only people knew what Thomas guides were. You had to be all in for your own success. And when you have children, you have to be all in on them. And so I love that.

Yes, it's a built in. no.

It's a built in, he's got a fever.

It's like you have the flu for 18 years. Yes. You can always just say, I would love to, but I don't want to get everyone sick.

Yeah, COVID scared his school. Yeah.

What's his name?

Santiago, Santi.

Oh, I like that. Well, he get confused with Santi Claus.

Right now he's going by Santi Quique, because his name is Santiago, Enrique, and the short nickname for Enrique is Quique. So he goes, I'm Santi Quique. And somebody said that the other day, you're like, you're Santi Claus? And he goes, no. But he was like, could I be?

Is that an option?

Yes, exactly.

If you're confusing me, for him, maybe that's an option.

We haven't even talked about Santa Claus.

Several different times we've stepped in it. where people got very upset. Like one, is, we didn't bathe our kids a lot. When they're babies, we did. But then as soon as they hit, like six or seven, couple times a week's great, until they stink.

But didn't Mila and Ashton say the same thing?

That's where it came from. We were talking to Mila on the podcast. Another thing is this, which is Santa Claus. We got to that age. Roll it out for her.

I'm in that now. Like, do I do? the powdered footsteps on the, we don't even have a chimney. We don't even have a fireplace. Do I build a fireplace?

Oh God, yeah.

Everything.

Especially a man telling her something. Exactly.

Raising a girl when you're like, okay, simmer down and sit down and be a good girl and stay in line. That's not the woman you want her to be.

No.

So you have to like, yes, you call bullshit and I see your bullshit. Yes, yes. I fold. You just folded your hand.

You know, it had no impact. We're all gonna be together. You're not in school and you get a shitload of presents.

Still magical.

How is that a bummer?

Yeah. Do you know James Purefoy? Amazing actor. We shot this thing together. We were talking about Christmas and he said, I did the whole thing.

Can you imagine the dining hall there? Yeah. Yeah, right? 28 Santas. Yeah, banging shots.

Drinking some spiked eggnog. Anyway, he did the whole thing. And he goes, so now my son is like 13.. He knows Santa's not real. But he goes, the other day, I was just listening to him talk to his friends.

Although that place was real, the people there were in character. Yeah. Like going to Disneyland.

Yes, Santa hasn't come up. Well. Isn't that weird? He's five, he just turned five.

Oh, well, this is probably the year. Cause he's in preschool and stuff now.

Well, I was thinking of doing the shelf on the elf. Yeah. Or elf on the shelf.

Okay, so we started that.

Okay, disaster.

You're not going to like wearing this. So much work. Well, I don't know where you're at. You went to Catholic school growing up and this and that. But I started also seeing the parallel of how you're laying the groundwork for another thing.

Is that on the box?

Yeah, it's like original sin is built into it. And like the shame. And then every little kid touches it. How could they not? Like, you're putting a fucking cute little stuffed animal.

It's a slippery slope. It is.

And I feel like it's all just laying the foundation to go, like, yeah, I know it's crazy. The world's 3000 years old, but that's how it is. We don't know what to say about these dinosaur bones.

But it's so funny because when Santia was four, yeah, so maybe a year ago, he was asking me something, but mom, why? But mom, why? And it never ended. And I said, because God made it like that. And we're in the car and he goes, who's God?

And I literally was like, oh my God.

Has he never come out?

Have I not mentioned him?

And then I felt as a horrible Catholic. I was like, oh God, I forgot to mention God.

Slipped your mind for four years.

Slipped my mind for four years. Because he goes, who's that?

And I was like, oh my God.

Also what a question.

So you live in the neighborhood? What a profound question.

No, and so then I go, well.

He. Yes, him.

Maybe she. They. And I had to Google, give a Google, of how to explain God. Because I wanted it right. Not in dogma or spooky, as George Carlin would say, spooky language.

I'm a YouTube parent. You outsourced it to an eight-year-old?

Yeah. I was like, here you go. And he said it. so great, I gotta give a shout out to that kid. But he says profound stuff.

What if he became your new spiritual leader?

Yeah, what if he is God?

Yes, and so the other day I said something, and Santi goes, well, God did that because he's the energy source. He had such a smart answer for it. And I said, exactly.

I just said simply, a lot of people believe in God, a lot of people don't. I don't, but a lot of people do. You're free to do either. So that was all easy for me, but then we got to the, and then what's happened? And you're gonna die, and I'm gonna die crying.

Well, I've had to use the heaven thing, because we've had pets die.

Okay, great. As we all know, they go to heaven.

Or the pet cemetery, which seems scarier. No, Popeye, our dog had died suddenly, and he doesn't understand where he went. Yeah. Even me saying, we just buried him. Remember, you were there?

What's her location? Yes. Do we have eyes on?

She shared her location on the iPhone.

It snowballed. Do we have eyes on?

On Judy Garland. So then, we're watching Judy Garland. I said, well, she's in heaven. And then it led to Elvis Presley. And he goes, where is he?

But what when you get to listen. It's a snowball. I know it is. It's never ending. And then, inevitably, he's gonna go, where's Michael Jackson?

Or where's Jeffrey Epstein?

And you're gonna go, well, Epstein's in hell. But Mike Jackson.

Oh, more of a middle ground.

That's a fact why he might not be. Heaven is a conversation you do not wanna have. So our friend was driving in the car with his three daughters. And Michael Jackson was on the radio. And he kind of painted himself into a corner.

Yeah, he said, he did some bad stuff.

He did some bad stuff. And she was like, well, what? And then, she's like, well, what did he do? And he's like, I really don't wanna talk about it in the car right now. Maybe we'll sit down and we'll go through it.

Literally, the worst thing possible.

That was the worst. Couldn't even be talked about in the car. We'd have to get home and discuss it. I was like, the way young people think about smoking is so comical to me. Having grown up inside of a fucking ashtray.

Were you a smoker?

I was.

Yeah, me too.

I smoked for a minute. In fact, when we met.

Did we share a cigarette?

I had just quit.

Oh, yeah.

I've been quit for 16 or 17 years now.

I quit 10 years ago. But I smoked for like five years, because I dated a Spaniard.

So what age did you? Oh, they all do it.

He was a chimney. And I would be an occasional, and then I met my husband now, and he said, I'll never forget that first lunch we had. You must have smoked 12 cigarettes for lunch. And then maybe I was dating him a month, and I was like, I don't wanna smoke anymore. And I quit.

That's it. Do you have a very non-addictive personality? You do. I do. It's just a blessing.

But my son, he must have seen this on the interweb, some about smoking. And he said, like, I wanna smoke. And I was like, absolutely not, you will die.

He said he wanted to.

Yeah, he's, I wanna smoke, and he's four, right? He's, I wanna, and I was like, no, absolutely not. You will die. He goes, why? And I said, it's toxic, and it kills you slowly, and you will die.

And you will not go to heaven with Judy Garland.

You will not be with Judy Garland.

That spells for the smokers.

So then we go to Spain, and I'm shooting in Spain, where everybody smokes. And he's walking on the street, and he goes, excuse me, sir, that's toxic, and you're gonna die. Oh, oh, wow. And then he goes to the next person, and the next person. Well, he's saving their lives.

Yeah.

I do, because I'm culturally Catholic. Yeah, yeah. It's a very comforting thought. I usually have a very big rosary on. I literally realized I forgot to put it on today.

We just had the man who has the NASA grant to study for exoplanets around stars to establish some proof of life.

You had a real guest on.

No, no, no.

That's our Thursday, our smarty pants guests.

Oh.

He said.

What?

Well, you know, there's like three or 400 billion stars in just our galaxy. Yeah. Our galaxy's one of many, many billions of galaxies. So he said there are a trillion billion stars. Try to think about that.

Think that math.

And that one in five of them have planets on them that could sustain life. Oh. So, one fifth of a trillion billion.

But how far is that from us?

10 light years away is one of them, 100 light years, you know, scattered throughout everywhere. So that's really hard to make peace with the notion that there's probably a couple hundred kabillion life forms somewhere in the universe. When did he create those? When did him do that? Yeah.

When did she? Even that, it starts breaking down so quickly.

Well, also, then, you apply a gender stereotype, which I have from the era I grew up in, which is I don't think it is a she, because look at this place. Yeah. It's so cutthroat and fucking, the strongest, dumbest person wins. That can't be a she design. That's gotta be a fucking me design.

Yeah, what? But Deepak Chopra is a different, I'm just gonna drop that name on this couch. I'll just leave it there. Deepak Chopra. Now, I've known him for many years.

Yeah, we had another great guy, Neil Thiessen, who's a physicist and a fucking oncologist, everything.

Very spiritual.

Yeah, and he's made peace in some weird way. I was buying him pretty deep.

Yeah, it made sense.

I got pretty deep. I was like, wow, you got me as close to that as I can experience. I wanna know if you have it in your heart and in your chest. The only thing I can feel that definitely feels supernatural is the child-parent experience.

What's supernatural about it?

It's so much bigger and weirder than science, and she's existed forever and yet hasn't. There's something to me that is fully outside of the world of academia I came from, and that's maybe the only thing in life I feel. So do you have that feeling in many different areas?

Love. I'm also a Buddhist, also. There's past life. Of course, we've been here many times. What do you call that thing when you're into the stars, or science?

Astrology.

Astrology?

Astrologist. Astronomy's the real thing. Astrology's the-. This is the kooky thing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I love it.

I'm of high seas rising. I love all of it. I am a theologian. Like, I'm like, ooh, what do you believe? Oh, I want that.

Santa Claus from y'all.

Santa Claus from you guys and Easter bunny, no. But the past lives thing, I will have so many deja vus with my son or he'll say something. Like, well, when I was a doctor-.

He'll say you was a doctor, yeah.

Mom, I was a doctor. And I said, when? And he goes, before. And I'm like, really? Or he just looks at me and he touches my face and he just holds me like my husband would.

Right, like a wise person. Yes, looking through time. Yeah, I've known this face for an eternity.

That gives me goosebumps.

I'm not comfortable just calling it love, because I've certainly loved partners tremendously. And I love my mother and my siblings.

Yeah, but this is a different kind of love.

This is a different thing. It transcends all those things for me.

Well, it's like people go, would you ever murder somebody? You go, no. And you're like, if something happened to your child, yes.

Yeah, everyone, everyone.

Yes, zero thought about it.

The things I have agreed, we have a friend who has terrible questions all the time. Yeah, it's like- He's like, would you kill this country to save your child? I'm like, yes, I know it's amoral, but I would. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you.

Miss Corpus Christi, 1998..

Yes, I know this about you. Very esteemed. honor. You and Matthew McConaughey. Little Mr.

No. It's great.

He grew up believing he had won Little Mr. Texas and he was in the newspaper. His whole life, his mother would introduce him. You know he was Little Mr. Texas when he was six years old.

Yes.

Good for you.

But I gotta tell you one funny thing. Corpus Christi, my best friend Aaron Weakley and I, 1993, going into Christmas break. We're gonna take a road trip. We don't know where we're gonna go. Talk about Thomas guide.

Oh my God, I was graduating high school. Me too.

You too. You too, us too. And we got there and we were like, huh, some business buildings. I remember sitting in the middle of the town, no stores, no restaurants. And we were like, what the fuck are we gonna do now?

Yeah, Padre Island's great.

What was Corpus Christi like, 75 to 93?.

I grew up on a ranch outside of Corpus. So I would go to school and then our whole summers and almost every weekend we were on the ranch. So it was really almost 50-50, with pigs and chicken and things on the ranch. And then we would go to school in Corpus Christi.

What did mom and dad do? They're Tejano? This is worth exploring.

Tejano, yeah. Tejano.

So they're original people that settled inside of Texas when it was Mexico.

We never crossed the border, the border crossed us.

Post-Mexican-American War. And their family had 4,000 acres on the Rio Grande. that was taken once the lines were drawn.

Much of that land was taken from land, barons, and just going, ah, and you're gone.

Okay, so what did mom and dad do?

My mom was a special education teacher.

And your sister also was special needs?

Because my sister's special needs.

Oh, that's how it started.

Yeah, my mom would go to school with her every day and just sit and was like terrified.

She's like, I might as well be making $6 an hour.

I might as well be making $9 an hour. Horrible. Teachers are bad. And my mom would go every day with her and the teacher said, you should apply to be a teacher's aide, and every time my sister moved up a grade, she would move up with her. So she was always in the same class as my special needs sister.

Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, saint.

And then my dad, he worked for the Army base in Corpus Christi. Corpus Christi's a big military.

Yes, military. The neat thing about Padre Island is there's federal beach and there's state beach. They're right next to each other. And one of them, you can stay for like nine days. You can just camp on the beach and you can drive your car on the beach.

And you can carry a gun.

Yeah, sure. In case any of those jellyfish attack, you're ready to go. So he was Army Corps of Engineers type?

My dad's smart. And my mom's a teacher. So we were a very academic family.

And you're the youngest of four.

I'm the youngest of four. I'm the disappointment.

Tell me, I wanna know what your role is.

I know, I heard you say that on Vogue Beauty Secrets. Oh. I watched that, I love that.

You could even say addicted, yeah.

Yeah. That's your thing. You say that on there and you say you're the black sheep and I was like, I can't.

Yeah, I mean, my sisters look like you.

Yeah. They're six, two and heavily tattooed, big nose.

Beard.

Yeah, covering up arguably a weak chin.

No, I grew up as the ugly, dark one, because they look alike. They were all blonde when they were born. And they have like really light eyes, they're light skin. And then I came out like a chocolate chip. I was like black hair, dark skin.

You're very Latino looking. I'm super Latino. They're not. They're not.

And are your parents? Was it rumored? I don't look like anybody, but they look alike.

Was there a Latino teacher at the school?

I ended up doing that DNA, Dr. Gates show. And I was like, mom, just tell me now because it's coming out. And she's like, will you stop? Because my whole life I was like, I know I was adopted or, or.

You had some fun.

Or. And she's like, really, really, come on.

You black sheep.

I sat down and they're rolling. And he has this book of all the. This is scary. All the stuff that they're about to tell you, but they want it on camera. And he's like, you are gonna be so surprised.

Did we mark?

Did we mark it, right? And then he's saying that and I go, I'm so sorry. Hold on. Am I my father's daughter? And he goes, yeah.

I go, okay.

That's not, you're not gonna tell me that on camera.

Take your time now.

Okay, but oh my God. I lived for one second, thought. he was gonna go. And your father's not your father.

Well, you know, that happened to Kerry Washington.

Yes, I just did her book tour and I interviewed her. So we laugh about it, because it's the same thing as she was gonna do that show. And she did not know her father wasn't her father. And I was like, oh, it's so funny. I was gonna use that show to out my mom.

Got you over a barrel.

You're not a saint.

One thing that was shocking about that Gates situation is that you're 70% European. With the Tejano-ness, I would have thought it would have been less, right?

Me too. My whole life, I'm like Mexican. I'm such a proud Mexican-American. Of course. And that's what was.

Yes, conquistador, you're the first enemy.

But you know, I live half the time in Spain now and I have a house in Spain and I have a show in Spain. So I really feel Spanish as well. So I'm like, I am home. We live in Mexico City. And so I'm like, this is my land.

And in LA, you drive around and you're like, yeah.

Yeah, and I live in Beverly Hills. Where in Spain? I live in Marbella.

Where's Marbella?

Marbella. It's in Andalusia, which is Malaga, Cordova, Sevilla. It's like the South. It's gorgeous.

I'm learning that I'm very ignorant on Spanish geography.

I used to be so bad. I never knew where anything was, specifically in the United States. I'm like, where is North Dakota? Is that up, down? Is that to the right, to the left?

There's a clue with the North, but yeah.

Right, but no, that's it. I, one time I was so bad. I go, I'm so bad at geology.

And my friend goes, you really are.

You really are bad at it.

You really, really are terrible.

But now I'm better. Mostly because my son is amazing. He's like, mom, did you know? blah, blah, blah is in Africa and this country? And our stewardess one time was from Romania.

Oh, he knew where Romania was.

He knew the bordering states of Romania. Not just Romania's. over here. He was like, oh, so, you're next to this and that.

Well, dad has to be bright. I'm just deducing that from his role in his professional life.

My baby daddy.

Yes, he's very smart. He's successful. Yes, he's the president of Televisa. He was.

He was.

But you can't come to occupy that role and be a dum-dum.

Yeah, no, he's very smart.

Is that what got you horneous for him? What's his most attractive quality?

His most attractive quality is he's the kindest human being you will ever meet. Meet him right now and you'd fall in love. You're like, oh yeah, I love him. I love him more than you. So I realize I'm not that nice.

Well, but this is what I was just gonna drill into. Kind, it wouldn't be in my top four things I was looking for in most of my life. Kind sounds boring. I'm a little bit of an arousal junkie. So was kind, do you think that was an age thing for you?

I actually, yeah. Kind and talented. People go, you don't even have a type, because they would think of everybody I've been with and nobody looks alike. And I was like, no, I think the common denominators, everybody I've been with had an amazing talent. Like I was with a composer and then I was with an athlete.

You pointed at me.

Yes, and brains.

And it makes me feel so good. I don't know if you're just like acknowledging I said brains or you're implying I have them. But I liked it, no matter what.

I do think age, though, makes kindness more of a-.

I do too.

I'm now coming to the point where I feel like that's a quality I admire.

Yeah, well, you know, it's like when a friend tries to set you up and they're like, he's so nice.

Yeah, no thanks.

So he's ugly, you know? And my husband, thank God, is so handsome and nice.

But I think nice, we've talked about this before, but I think nice and kind is different. I think kind is deep within.

Yeah, in your soul.

Good person.

You can be a sociopath and be nice. Yeah. That's part of your- Most of them are.

Yes, yes. Nice is a very superficial thing. And I think kindness is a deeper thing.

I agree. Everybody asks me that, and I always say kind about my husband because it is something so deep in who he is as a human being. He's an amazing son to his mom. If my son can be half the son my husband is to his mom, the way he speaks to his mother, he calls her every morning, he calls her every night, sees her all the time. Oh, that makes me feel better, I know.

This is dicey, but I'm just gonna be brutally honest. So I remember hearing that Salma Hayek had married a man and that he was the richest man in France. And then I made stupid assumptions about that.

No, on her?

Maybe like, of course, she got a billionaire. That's a great retirement plan, you know? And then I met him. Have you met?

I love Francois.

Francois is so attractive and fucking appealing. And same thing, warm and generous, and kind and sexy as fuck. Like in a photo. when I'd see it, I was like, I'm not sure. Was around them.

Yeah. When she tells the story too, she didn't roll over and was like, ooh, a billionaire. She was like, wait, so you're dad's money. So you have your dad's money. Yes.

That's like, she really ran him up and down the flagpole.

Yeah, she drilled him and like, okay, but what do you do? And he's like, no, I run this company.

And I'm doing it very well and it's growing exponentially.

And she's an amazing human being. So you go, okay.

There's some fun overlap with you guys.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

In all the wonderful ways.

She's one of my favorite human beings on the planet. I like Francois because she chose him, right? Like I go, okay, that makes sense. I liked Obama because I met Michelle Obama. And I go, okay.

That is the greatest judge of character. I'm glad you're pointing that out. I'm pretty critical of rich, older dudes who get someone who's just along for the ride and it's gonna look pretty. I'm like, that's it for you? That's what keeps you entertained?

But I asked somebody that one time, I said, come on, what are you guys talking about? And he's like, we're not.

We're fucking.

And he says, I don't seek that in a partner. I have that stimulation from my friends, from my business partners. He's not looking to that person to carry that torch.

I guess that's fine.

But hey, if you know that, then great.

I wanna be very clear. I'm up for anybody who's happy. There's also people that want the role of not talking. I don't know, that's fine. Everything's fine for everybody.

Me too, no.

I couldn't even, are you this way at all? I could either have one night stands or I could be with you for many, many years. There's no room for the middle ground.

Oh yeah, that was probably in my youth, for sure of like, are we getting married or bye?

I just know really quick if I can spend years with you or not. I can't do this thing where it's like, it's pretty obvious. we're not gonna be together for a while, but I'm just gonna hang for six months. It's very uncomfortable.

I can't do not smart.

That's Monica's.

I was on a couple of dates. Yeah, and I'm like. It's hard when they're so pretty, but then it's hard to talk to them. There are pretty people that know how to leverage that, which makes them smart. Yeah, that's true, that's true.

And I'm like, look what you're working with. Yeah, let's do something here. Come on. It's kind of like your assistant. So let's get on the town with this shit.

Yes, Starbucks. Good deal.

You really have not dated. in a while. I couldn't think of the name of Earth Cafe, but now I've got it.

Year one.

Okay, yeah, yeah, sure.

Why don't you go get a Hailey Bieber smoothie and meet somebody for God's sake.

Get a couple numbers.

Yeah, but I do think, what is it? Youth is wasted on the young. I love that saying. I want my 20-year-old body, but I want my 50-year-old brain.

I do wanna know a little bit about Corpus Christi. You're the black sheep of the family. I don't know what the role of a fourth born, that's a paradigm I'm not familiar with.

What are you, one of what?

I'm the middle of three. Oh. Big age gap.

Are you middle child?

I'm middle child, yeah.

No, but do you have that middle?

Oh, big time. What ones, I guess. Right, I don't know. What are the stereotypes?

Isn't it like nobody's paying attention to me?

Oh, for certain, I was lost in the shuffle, and then we moved to Hollywood to get the attention I was so duly owed in my childhood. But also kind of a peacemaker, like an arbitrator between stressed out people. There was a baby and a teenager in the house, so it's like, of course, there was no fucking.

Room for you.

Yeah, understandably.

Me, I was like an afterthought. So my mom would be like, oh yeah, where did Eva go? Which is funny, because I took one of those personality tests. Is it the Enneagrams or something? Yeah, Enneagrams.

Oh, Enneagrams.

Yes, so there's nine personalities. And you're all of them, but you're primarily one of them. I was like cheerleader or overachiever. Like. I was in between these two.

Oh, that's genius.

But I'm reading this thing and it said, I self-love, I'm very independent. And I was like, yes, I am. Oh, my God, I am. I really don't need your validation. I don't need attention.

You want the focus.

Right, so you could go that route or you go, oh, okay, mom and dad's busy. I'm gonna self-love. And that's the route I happen to take. I don't know why. people ask me like, how did you come up with that?

I like this explanation a lot. If I'm understanding you correctly, the two options on the table, I think, one is you're a victim. Yes. And the other one is maybe you recognize the circumstance. In my case, I think it was like, well, I go to this place for six hours a day and I seem to be very popular there.

I was so excited. I was like, I'm gonna be in a Dax Shepard movie. Yes, I did.

Not a Dane Cook movie. No, no, no. A Dax Shepard movie.

And it was because my friend Jessica Simpson was in the film and she's like, will you come do this cameo? And I was like, oh, with Dax Shepard.

With Dax Shepard. Oh, how flattering. I know that news did not get to me until just now. You would have thought Jessica could have passed that along to me.

I was so excited and I was like, only one day, you guys don't need me for more. You guys are like, no, it's kind of, it's just a flashback. It's like a little.

Oh, I had a very fun day. And then I was cut out of the movie. Oh, no.

And then they cut me out of the movie. I do want to talk about what you did direct with my dear friend, Michael Peña.

Oh, yes, chips. Isn't he? fucking brilliant? That movie's amazing. Thank you.

You don't understand the slow-mo of the penis hitting you in the face, like all of it. It's my kind of funny. That's what I always say. When people go, do you like so-and-so? I was like, I don't like his movies.

Yes. What he is great at, and which I love, is he plays everything dead serious, which is, for me, the way comedy should always be played. 100%. You should be sincere, never in on the joke, and Peña can do it all. Yeah.

That's just because he's such a good actor.

But he understands funny too, right? Like he also understands what he needs to do to set up the other guy.

Michael and I did a dramatic movie together, very dramatic. I'm a comedy actress, he's mostly comedy. We show up, the director's like, great, I have you two. Right? Right, right.