Synced: My Favorite F
2024-01-31 01:03:52
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
How are you doing?
I'm great. How are you?
I'm good. During last week's episode, I meant to text you to remind you. We said that we would talk about some of our favorite beauty products.
I remembered. You did? I did. I did. Oh, my God.
Good job. I listen, you know?
You do. You're a good listener.
I'm one of the hosts, but I'm also a big listener of the show.
Good time.
You're in the Sing Squad also? Yeah, I am. You double up. Yeah.
Half of the questions are mine. My life's a mess. No, that's not true.
No. That's not true. No, your life's great. Yeah, I know.
Things are good.
You know, me and you already hung out this week. We did. Sometimes that's a problem.
I know. I did leave brunch, and I was like, that could have been a really good episode. Of course.
That's the whole reason we do this show, is because we decided to bring our brunches and our dinners to air, to you, exactly. So I do want to re-talk about one of the things we talked about, because I've been thinking about it since we spoke about it.
It's an important question, and it makes you have more gratitude for the products that are in your life.
The products? Wait. Oh, now you're back on. What are we talking about?
Okay. Oh, boy. No? Yeah. No.
Let's do beauty products first.
But wait, what was the other thing?
Because I want to talk about something we talked about at brunch. Let's do- Beauty products first.
I'm very curious about what yours are.
Okay. I remembered, but I also. ... I am having a really hard time narrowing.
That's right. Because it's makeup and skincare, or-.
That's what I didn't know, because we didn't make rules that we didn't.
Okay. I have a mix, but it's mostly skincare, because I feel that that is the priority. Why don't you go first? Oh, my God.
Why don't we go back and forth?
Let's go back and forth. I'm going to go with newest to oldest. A new thing that I've been obsessed with is the Benefit lip stain. I've been seeing a lot of lip stain products on my feeds, and they look very scary. I don't know if you've seen it.
It's like a black tattoo on your lip, and then people peel it off. I didn't have the bravery to do that, and it seems laborious. I will not do that. Tedious, for sure. It takes the waiting.
I just need to leave. By the time I'm putting something on my lips, I have 30 seconds to get out of the house. The Benefit lip stain I got as a little gift, and I was like, oh, okay, I'll try this out. If you eat a lot throughout the day, if your lips are often ... It's spreading around.
It's both a lip stain and a little cheek thing. I never tried it on my cheeks. That sounds so funny. What? Wait, what?
Why does that sound so- Gross?
Why does cheeks automatically in the butt?
Oh, you think butt? Yeah. Oh, I did not. Oh, my God.
I don't know why. Usually my ... Other people's brains are ... I don't know what's going on today. Probably getting my period.
Cheeks?
Oh, my cheeks. I don't think that ever. I mean, if you said whole, then yes, I'm going butt, but no. Wow. That's great.
Okay, that's great.
Maybe because I saw all that butt stuff at Luna, Luna. Oh.
Oh, yeah. You had some butt exposure.
I went to Luna Luna, and there was just a lot of butt-focused art, which I enjoyed, obviously. Then I took a video from Monica, but then I felt like it might offend her, so I showed her in person. Anyway, so, to go back to the lip stain, it stays on, it doesn't spread around, and it's not overpowering. That's nice. It's not, ...
Because lipstick just ends up, I don't know, going places, and this is just like a subtle rose-touch situation for your lips. It's very natural. Are you wearing it now? I am. Yeah, it's very pretty.
It's very pretty. It's just light. You probably don't think I'm wearing lipstick, but if you want a natural, easy look, I'm a big fan.
Did you say the color?
It's rosé. I think there's only one.
Oh, okay. Great. Well, then I'm going to go old school as well, since you went old school. Did you? Is that old?
That's the opposite. No, that's not old school. That's new. Fuck.
I went new school. You go old school.
Okay. Old school for me, one of my tried and trues, if they have it in Sephora, I have to stock up. I have to have six of them, is the Dior Lip Glow. I get it in berry. They have other colors.
I think I bought one other color once, which I liked, but the berry. ... Let me just make sure I'm saying it right.
That's the lip gloss.
It's called Lip Glow. They have a gloss. This isn't a gloss.
Oh, it's not. Okay.
It's a lipstick, but it's more sheer. It also just adds, to me, the perfect amount of color. It looks so natural. It just enhances your lips a little bit. Also, it adds, I feel, a little pumpiness.
I'm not wearing it today, unfortunately.
Oh, damn. Whatever you're wearing now looks great, too.
Thank you. Tom Ford.
Nice. Okay, so now it's my turn. Yes. My old school is. ...
You know how you'll see the bottle for literally 10 years, but you're like, am I saying it right?
This is really good free advertising for all these-.
It is. Yeah, none of this is sponsored.
Yeah.
So, the Mario Badescu, the rose water spray.
Okay.
For me, I need to have it. I had a hair and makeup person that would always put it on me before putting on anything, and it was just this ritual thing for me. It just smells so lovely. Why does spraying your face feel so good?
God, everything you're saying.
Start spraying your cheeks.
No, but why?
It just is a refresh.
It is a refresh. Clodalie also has a really good mist.
Is that how you say it? Because it's French.
I don't say it the French way, because you wouldn't know what I'm talking about.
Right, but is that how you would say it? It's Clodalie. Okay.
But I think we're allowed to say Clodalie.
I feel like I barely even knew how to say it the American way, so I'm glad you just said it.
Well, we could say it the French way, going forward.
Say it again? Clodalie. Clodalie. You're so cute.
You sound French. So coquette.
I could do AI for French.
You could.
They should.
But you look French. No. Oh my God. Yes, you do. You're French style.
This is why I can't believe. You think like a French woman. You have the French aesthetic. Hello.
Oh, thank you. I mean, you mean clothes-wise.
Fashion. Everything about you. French people listening, you can confirm this. It's like French women? Are you kidding me?
I'm dying to be one.
Well, you basically are playing the part, just to a T.
I love that.
No, you are a French woman to me.
People don't know this, but you have a nickname for me.
I call you coquette. Yeah.
Which is a French word meaning?
It means being like very cute and like beautiful and flirtatious.
It is. I know.
Coquette's like ribbons.
This is why the natal chart says I need more Pisces and why you're so good for me. Because you're so kind.
You see me in a way that the rest of the world sees you, and that's just. you need to align with.
Oh boy. Okay. What do you want to happen? Now. That's beautiful.
Rosewater. Clotted.
Well, Clodalie is not the rosewater, Mario Badescu is the rosewater, but Clodalie has a facial mist.
They do. Tried, and true. It is. Everyone loves it. People keep it in their purse.
I used to keep it in my purse, but I never used it. I liked it a lot. I just never picked it up and splashed my face. Because I heard-.
Spray my face. Spray your face. Spray your cheeks. I heard that your face is supposed to be wet before you put on any serums.
Damp?
Damp. Damp. Yeah. Okay. It's okay.
Not wet. A facial spray could be, and this might be totally wrong, but from what I understand from the science, it's a good way to dampen your face before you put on.
From the science, we aren't sure about.
We are not sure. Yeah. Everything about this is very shaky.
I like that. Okay. Great. I'll do a skincare as well. Speaking of serums.
This is a two for one. IS Clinical. I don't know if it's, I think it's IS because it's a lower I and a capital S. IS Clinical is the brand. They have a serum called the Active Serum.
It's so good. I don't know what's in it, but definitely get a tingle from it. It feels like it's really clean, like getting deep, and it must have salicylic or some sort of acid in it. That's really good for acne skin or yeah, anytime you're like anything hormonal or you just have a tough time with skin, as I do. It's so good as a day to day, evening preventing, like getting ahead of the zits.
The zits.
The zits. So it's great. And then I combine that with their Proactive Heal. To me, again, I don't know what's in it. I think it has vitamin C in it because it's really nice for brightening.
It feels like liquid gold. It's like liquid diamonds and liquid gold. Wow. Because one's blue and one's gold.
Oh, got it. Is it the see-through blue thing?
It's a little see-through.
Yeah. Someone very scientific, recommended it to me. He was like an esthetician. Basically, I kept breaking out and he was like, stop putting- Rose water.
Rose water.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He was like, stop putting so many lotions. And like, again, lotion can be great, you know, figuring out what your skin needs is like a whole thing.
What a fucking lifelong journey.
Exactly. And this bleeds actually into my other recommendation. if we're going to talk about serums. My favorite hyaluronic acid serum is La Roche. All these are French.
Oh, La Roche-Posay.
La Roche-Posay.
Yeah, that's French. Yeah.
It is. I didn't even think of that. I do have some French stuff going on.
Because you say that I'm a French girl. You're actually a French girl. You're French.
I'm French, Canadian. It's very different. It's the same. I'm French, adjacent. But yes, I love their...
It's a hyaluronic acid and, like B, something, one of the B's vitamins that you need. And it just feels... Because obviously you want something that makes your skin look good, but you want something that you're looking forward to putting on.
Luxurious.
Yeah. And it just feels like taking care of yourself. It's my favorite. And hyaluronic acid for me was kind of a game changer, because I can break out kind of easily and doing too many moisturizers, which is what I was doing at the time before my intervention. And it was really helpful.
And it's good, especially in the cold winter days, which a lot of people are experiencing.
That's right. Okay. So next, I will say...
Are you choosing between your favorites?
Yeah.
You feel bad? It's hard. Yeah. I know. I feel like I'm hurting your feelings.
Because it's not that I don't like the other ones.
Okay. One right now is Merit Brand, M-E-R-I-T.
You know so many like.
. I've never heard of this.
It's such a good makeup brand. It's not new on the market, but newer, I guess. New to Sephora is in the past couple years. It's an incredible brand. I like it across the board.
Their Flush Balm, which is a cheek balm. It's so nice because I like both a powder and a dewy cheek. Sure. So I often combine. I'll do like a little bit of a dewy, which Merit has.
these Flush Balms that are great and they have really good colors. I really like... There's one called Foxy, I think, or Fox, and one called Beverly Hills. Both I really, really like. And I do a little on the cheek bone of the dew.
And then I'll do.
. There's a Chanel Powder Blush, Rose Bronze. And I'll do a little of that on the apple of my cheek, and then a little brush over the nose. Oh, cute. But Merit, the more dewy cream blush, is so nice.
It's called the Flush Balm. But they also have some really good tinted lip oils. I feel like you'll like it if you like the lip stain. They're really, really nice and have gorgeous colors. Also, the packaging's really nice.
I recommend Merit.
I'm going to look into that. Okay, this is a huge one for me. Youth To The People have a lot of great skincare stuff. Their Super Berry, Hydrate Plus, Glow Dream Mask, which I know Rob uses.
I'm sure you can relate.
It's an experience. It feels like if skincare felt like a marshmallow and smelled like a garden of roses. I am transported. What I like about it is that, especially again in the winter days, you want to hydrate your skin in a way that, like... My last bit, is going to be controversial, because I don't know if it's good or not that I'm doing it, but locking in moisture is a priority of mine.
So I love when I wake.
Is your next one like wrapping your face in saran wrap or something? I mean, it's... Might as well be.
Okay, I'm just going to tell you. At the end of my routine, I mean I'm single, so I can do whatever the fuck I want, I take a bunch of Vaseline and I just spread it on my face. I used to only put it on my under eyes to really get lock in the moisture there, which I do recommend, but I've started just doing it like fully on my face. You're like...
But it locks in all of the steps.
What's your pillow like?
Well, they're white.
But are they covered in goo when you wake up? I guess not. Whoa.
Yeah, they're not. So I don't know what's going on there. I mean, I do scroll for a little bit before I go to bed, so it's probably dry as a moment to dry. But yeah, my pillows are fine, I think. Okay, okay.
But yeah, it's not for everybody. And again, I don't know if I'm supposed to do this or not, but for me, it really... In the wintertime, you constantly feel like you're never really hydrated enough. Yeah, exactly.
Do you have dry skin?
I have a mixed thing. It's a combo, which is why it's annoying or difficult. I wouldn't do it during the summer. During the summer, my skin gets more oily, so I wouldn't do it.
I would say, if you are an oily skin person.
. No, don't do this. Don't do this. I could never do that. My skin would implode.
Okay, interesting.
Because all the pores get clogged.
But it's just overnight. It's just to seal it in.
Look, I'm not here to challenge. I think what works for you works for you.
What's interesting about it is that it doesn't make me break out, but oils make me break out.
Yeah, that's common.
The very famous serum that starts with a V. that won't be named, because I don't want to name brands and say bad things about it. But that one feels great, but for me, it created so many breakouts because there's oils in it. Oil on your face can be, again, for some people, it's perfect, but for a lot of people, it can be harmful. I'm curious what people think, or maybe there's other people who are doing this.
I know. I'm curious too. Wait, what was the second to last one?
The Superglow.
Superglow is the mask. Yeah.
If you don't want to do the Vaseline rub. That's how I got into Vaseline. Oh, wow. It was like the gateway. Yeah.
The Superglow mask is like an overnight mask. You put it on sort of at the end of your routine, and it kind of locks in moisture. It's just very luscious and creamy and hydrating. I love it. I want to try that.
It smells amazing.
I love the idea of a marshmallow on my face. Yeah.
It feels like if a marshmallow was part of your skincare routine.
Okay. Next for me is also a mask. I'm just sort of going off of you. Now, people aren't going to like this. This is not a cheap mask.
It's the brand 111 Skin or 111 Skin. I don't know how to say any of these names. I think it should be 111, because that sounds cooler.
It does sound cooler.
They have sheet masks that are incredible, and they have so many. There's like a black diamond lifting and firming. There's a biocellulose facial mask. I just like the light blue one, which is a cryo de-puffing facial mask. Wow.
It's really nice. It's like cold. You put it on your face. You just let it sit for I think like 20, 25 minutes, and then you kind of pat in the serum at the end. Always the next morning after I do it, my skin looks much different.
I should do it every day, but I don't think you're supposed to.
I think masks, they say, like weekly, right?
I know. It probably also clogs. You do have to be a little careful once you see a little something. Sometimes I do this, right? I'm like, this is such a good serum.
I look so glowy. Even though it says like start three times a week, I'll just be like, no, twice a day, and then everything's fucked.
I did have a pretty meaningful conversation with a woman at Sephora a couple of months ago that startled me a bit, where she was like, you should not be using serums every day. All of these things can make, like retinol, obviously these- Again, I'm saying this wrong and like, please correct us, but there's something that happens to your skin where it becomes more vulnerable to the sun and to sun damage if you're using a lot of different, you know-.
Yes, that is true.
And again, there's no connection to your mask, but for some of these things, because I, same, I'll get obsessed with something and I realized, I mean, there was this whole trend of like cycling, skin cycling, where it's like one day-.
You do this, the next day, you do another thing.
You have to give your skin like breaks. But now yours has made me want to change my last one, because I'm inspired by your mask, because I have a great mask that really should be very expensive, but it's not. So it's kind of a hack. And again, it's the same makeup artist that recommended it. It's the Neutrogena Hydrogel.
Oh, yeah.
It's so liquidy and dewy, and it's very good for the wintertime. It's filled with hyaluronic acid. She would put it on right before she would do my makeup, which actually was kind of interesting, because then again, it just made my skin so much better that I needed a lot less makeup.
Yeah, yeah. You want the skin underneath the makeup to be as primed-.
And hydrated- Moisturized. And moisturized as possible. And I am shocked when I do it. And yeah, it's like three bucks. I mean, again- Yeah, that's great.
I'm sure your mask is better. No. If you want a lower cost option, you buy it at CVS. They put it behind the little prison because people love it. Is it because people love it or is it because people love it?
Yeah, they want to just keep it.
Or does it have an ingredient? Is it behind the pharmacy?
No, no. Oh.
It's with the cigarettes. What's the prison? I'll have three packs of cigarettes.
Okay, so at the CVS in Brooklyn, everything was behind a little gated plastic thing where.
they were pretending to come and open it up for you. Because I think there was just a lot of theft of Neutrogena masks, because we know that that's what- Wow.
I didn't know. I'm going to get some, just because it's obviously limited- It's limited- A dish. Wow. About to be more limited- A dish. After people listen to this.
Jeez. Okay.
I think I have one left. I think this has been really helpful for people.
I hope so.
Actually, it's been really helpful for me. I love knowing what people are doing.
I do too.
I know not everyone loves watching Vogue Beauty Secrets, but I do love it. It's interesting.
It's just, and again, it might work for you, it might not work for you. It's just fun to know what people are- Yeah.
Are up to. Are up to. Yeah. I agree. Okay, so my last one is going to be foundation.
I really love Monica Blunder. Oh. I know. Her name is Monica Blunder. For me, it's a perfect mask.
Okay, let's talk about having brown skin in America.
It's time to talk about that. It's time to talk about that.
It is really hard.
The hardest part.
It's like, all we talk about is racism, but no one's talking about brown skin and beauty.
I mean, it's a big thing. No, actually, people are.
It's actually a huge part of racism, and people do talk about it, but a lot of beauty brands just don't have the right colors for darker skin, and they have like 14 shades of white, and then three shades of darker colored skin, and of course you're not going to fit into any of those. So, it's hard to find brands that really have a great scale of color. I have to be very honest. I don't know if Monica Blunder does. I haven't really looked into her scale.
I just know that I have a foundation from her. that is my perfect match. So, when I find that, for me, it's just like, that's it. But also, the formula is so nice. Like, it's not dewy.
Like, I don't love anymore. I used to love, what's the, we won't say it. We won't say it because we're not saying brands. we don't want to do. But there's a very, very, very popular foundation by a brand that starts with a G-A.
It's a beautiful foundation.
I thought they were like, we're not going to say her name. But it starts with B and it ends with E.
It's two words, and the first one starts with G and the second one starts with A. But it's a beautiful foundation. It's a great, great product. Obviously, a billion people use it. But it was a little too glowy.
It was a little too glowy for me. I've moved more towards a, like, as natural as I can get skin makeup. And I don't feel like I walk around and you can tell I'm wearing a bunch of foundation.
I can't tell.
It kind of melts into your skin. It's just a very nice formula. But it still gives you, like, a coverage. You can build it. Anyway, Monica Blunder Foundation.
I highly recommend. Wow.
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Can we go into being brown in America and just – Because I think that's such an important – Oh, brunch?
No. We'll get back to brunch. But I think we should go to Sephora for this video.
Yeah. That's a good idea. Or I do your makeup and you do mine. Oh, that's fun. Let's do that.
Or, like, David, does our makeup. No. You always want to, like, add in – I know. I center men. I know.
You sure do. I don't need to decenter them. I just think those videos are funny and I never had a boyfriend. You know when, like, there's a fun girlfriend-boyfriend trend?
Not really. I really don't.
You're like, I can't name a single fucking one. Okay. So I feel like I never had a boyfriend. at the moment, where that was a trend, where, like, your boyfriend, does your makeup. You know this trend.
I don't. You don't? No. Okay. It was cute.
It was cute. Anyway, the time has passed. But, no, it's just the way that racism or sexism, right, all these isms, it's obviously these, like, big institutional things, that have huge consequences on our lives in, like, these huge ways. But the way that they, like, can make you the most mad is when it shows up in these, like, little, small moments.
This store is just teeming with products and it's so hard to find one that matches or is good. When I was younger, my aunt was really good at makeup and did makeup a lot and was really interested in makeup products. And she would talk to me about it, and she got me my first makeup item ever, which is still tried and true. Gonna shout it out. Clinique Black Honey.
What is that?
It's a lipstick stain. It looks good on every single person. It really does. When you take the lid off, the top, off, what's it called? Cap?
Cap. Yeah.
See, Rob. When you take the cap, see, men know everything. Liz is vindicated. Okay, so you take the cap off and it's very dark. Like, it looks black.
And so you think, this is gonna look crazy. And then it's just this nice, very light berry. It's gorgeous. Jess was using it over the holidays.
Oh, and so it works for men. It's not that, it's so subtle. It's light.
Yes, it's very light. Anyway, she taught me about Black Honey. And then she would say, these makeup brands are good for our skin type. Or like, good for people with darker skin. And I hated that.
I went in the opposite direction. I was like, I'm not using that. I'm gonna use these white people's and prove that I can wear it too. And I can't. Like, it doesn't look as good as formulas and makeup artists, makeup brands who have specifically thought about the undertones.
Like, there's so much to it. It's like, what's the undertone in our skin and what brings out those colors. If they're just using a white person as the prototype, it's never gonna look as good on someone with darker skin. Right, right. They have to, like, it has to be active.
It's an active choice. It's not that, and that was one thing I learned, like, when a lot of this was coming up a couple years ago about colorism and stuff. And this was sort of a derivative of it. A lot of people, and this is true, it's not that they're actively not trying to put out colors for darker skinned people. It's just extra work.
And it is extra work. They then now have to have a person of color who they're testing on and who they're using those tones for. And is that a minority group? So will those not sell? very much?
I mean, there's so much that goes into it. I have compassion. And also, I feel like, yeah, you just gotta do it anyway. Like, for the greater good.
And there's less and less white people. I mean, the percentage of the population that is, you know, we're all mixing up with each other. And so there's going to be more and more of a demand. So it makes sense to not just fill the demand that there is right now, but get ahead of the demand that's also coming. It just makes, like, business sense.
Yeah, but it's sad, and you're right. It is those little baby moments where you—.
For me, with sexism, it's when I'm traveling. Yeah. And my body knows, or, like, the universe is like, you're going to get your period. Like, 95% of the time that I'm traveling, for some reason, I get my period. Ugh.
And then I'll get to the hotel. I'll, like, get my period on the plane, or something stupid, or whatever. And then I'm like, get to my hotel. I'm in a city I don't know. Or it's late and things are closed.
And there's a Bible in the hotel room, but there's no tampons. Yes. And I could get, maybe, like, a toothbrush. Or, like, I could get a hairdryer. And there's, like, so many things, but not get a pad.
It's true.
And because you're frustrated and you just want this little thing and you're like, now, I have to—.
Go, figure it out.
Go figure it out and not be, you know, living my life. And those little moments I feel like is when I get the most angry, as opposed to moments where it's a bigger thing.
No, I get that. Well, yeah, because also the bigger things are more esoteric. They're philosophies and they're thoughts and they're projections.
This is practical, day-to-day shit. Yeah.
That we encounter, and that's when you notice it. And that's privilege, right, when you aren't encountering day-to-day.
And that's the thing. Maybe it could be invisible for a minute, but then becomes impossible to ignore in that moment that you're like, I can't just go on with my life. Man.
Wow.
We went light and we went deep.
As we do.
As we do.
We're going to do one more. Okay, so we went to brunch.
We did.
Also, shout out, we didn't get her name. Oh, we should have. actually. She was a big fan of Liz and she also loved your coat. She did.
And you let her try it on. I did. This was, okay, we're just so different. We're so different. It's a beautiful thing.
It's a great thing what you did. I couldn't believe it. I had to, with my hand, shut my jaw. Why? I didn't really.
But I was like, what is she doing?
But I've let so many people try on my coat. Ew.
But also, that doesn't creep you out a little bit?
No, I get so much joy out of it because you remember our coat that we both had matching coats. That coat, people stopped me. I wore it in Canada. I wore it to Sundance last year when I went. And every time someone stops me like, oh my God, I love your coat.
It's so amazing. And I'm like, you should get it. They're like, maybe I will. I'm like, try it on. Because then, first of all, it's expensive.
If you're going to spend money, and that's the thing with online shopping, you can never try it on. But here's an opportunity for you to try on the thing and know that it looks amazing on you or not.
I don't know why, to me, that level of generosity, of spirit and kindness, that is so foreign to me.
Interesting.
It's great. I am not saying it's bad. It's not like you giving your phone number out every day. I'd wish you would do a little less of that. But this is just really kind.
My hang up, I think, is based in my skeptical nature.
1A.
1A. What are you saying?
Are you giving us like a number?
Like a PowerPoint.
Like a PowerPoint presentation. OK, I love this, actually. I would love a PowerPoint presentation of why you don't want people to try on your coat.
OK, let's be clear. Let's be clear. Strangers. Yeah, again, it's about strangers. Obviously, I don't give a fuck of anyone in my life.
I want people in my life to try it on. But it's my relationship to strangers versus your relationship to strangers. They just could not be more different. And 1A is germs. Like, I don't know why.
I think it's like I. just... People have smells and like their hair oils. And like, we don't know how long they've gone without showering. And also, what if they had sex with someone and then that person, like, left their juice, their cum on their shirt.
And then now it's in your coat.
Wow, OK. That is not where my mind goes.
There's just a million things that can be happening on your body. And you just don't know anything about a stranger. You just don't know anything. 1B.
This is so bad. I'm like, it's going to get stolen.
You think someone's going to put it on my coat and run?
It's very subconscious. I don't think that consciously. And I don't think it's real. There's no way that anyone was going to just run off with your coat. Like, I know that.
But I think it's like just this deep ingrained thing that would be a part of preventing me from doing it.
Got it.
Safety.
I see.
3C. Back to the smells.
Smells, exclamation point. Oh, I know. I know 4F. It requires more time engaging.
Oh, got it. You want to end the interaction.
Yes. I like a very pleasant, quick exchange. And then that's it. And if they're holding my coat, like, oh, my God, you're trapped. Until they decide to give you the coat back, you're stuck.
Oh. It's done. You've now given them control.
Interesting. But, okay, just to, you know. Of course. Respond.
Are you going to do it in PowerPoint? Okay, yeah, yeah. Counterpoint. What?
Counterpoint PowerPoint.
Okay, well, 1A, I'm going in reverse order to respond to your latest point. Okay. 1A is you never have control.
I know.
And whether someone has your coat or not doesn't determine whether you're in control of the interaction or not. And so if they were to put on my coat for a little too long, I would feel empowered to say, it looks great. And I would use language in order to make the interaction end when I would want it to. Okay. I think that I'm somewhat confident.
Look, okay, here's where I wouldn't let someone try on my coat. If we are seated next to each other on an eight-hour plane ride. Because then I am stuck. Then we are forming this bond and there's no exit strategy for me. And I need to work on planes.
I don't want to talk on planes. I would feel stuck. I would feel trapped. Whereas this feels very, she was also the bartender.
No, she was amazing. This isn't about her. Right, right, right, right. It just is an example. Yes.
This is fascinating, because I would be more likely to do it on a plane. Oh. Because we're already in it. There's no control anymore. Got it.
We're just there in this environment. If I let someone borrow my coat and then they were just like, I love it so much. And they were never giving it back, I would just turn my head to the window and then sleep. Right? You can sleep or put headphones.
There are ways to end the interaction that are societally known. Got it. Like putting your headphones in or sleeping or something. You can't do that at a restaurant when you're staring at the person and they're holding. But also stare and wait for the coat to come back to you.
Yeah.
Honestly, let's role play this, okay? Okay. I'm going to be a stranger.
Okay.
Oh, my gosh, are you Liz Plank?
Wait, are we role playing this as a way to heal my issue, or are we doing this as what I would do?
You are going to do as you would do.
Okay, got it. Okay, great.
Oh, my gosh, are you Liz Plank?
Yes.
Oh my gosh, I'm such a big fan. I love your work.
Thank you so much.
I've read your book like six times and I even read it out loud to my boyfriend.
Wow, that's exactly why I wrote that book. That makes me so happy.
But then he did break up with me, but then it was okay, because we were supposed to break up.
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.
Yeah. What is that coat?
I know. I love your coat. It's so great, right?
Where'd you get that?
It's Celia B. She's an amazing designer. It's so cozy. It has big pockets. Look at the inside.
It's super pretty. Do you want to try it on? Are you serious? Yes. Oh, my God.
Try it on. It's so luscious. I can try it? Yes.
Okay.
I'm smelling it. I'm smelling it. Okay.
That makes me a little uncomfortable. Wow.
It kind of smells like you. Oh, my God. I love it. Okay. Putting it on.
Oh, my gosh. It's so cozy. Yeah.
People aren't seeing, but you're smelling, snorting the coat.
Oh my God. Not even that funny.
Oh, my God. Okay.
This is so warm and cozy. You should totally get one. How much is it? You know, it's kind of expensive, but she does a lot of sales. See, if you started sniffing around- No, I want you to do it.
Do it. Be you. I would be gesturing towards taking it off the person.
But then I'm like, ooh. People can't see. I'm wrapping it even further around and making it a big bundle. Ooh, I just love it. Where are you going later?
Oh, I'm not going anywhere, but I will need my coat back because it's cold out there. But you should totally get your own. It's amazing. And then I would, again, be like taking it off.
Pulling it off.
You know, the way that they do at a restaurant, you know, in a polite, sweet way. Okay.
You did handle that better than I anticipated.
It's like the hostage negotiation.
It is. It is.
It seems like you like the smell of my coat.
Okay, so you like the smell of my coat.
My coat was hostage. It's hard because the coat is hostage. It was. Yeah. But no, that would make me uncomfortable if they said it smells like you.
But you never know.
Well, first of all, the people who read my books and listen to this podcast, like the sweetest, smartest, most amazing people ever. It's remarkable.
It is. The fan base is incredible.
It's extraordinary people who are just living their lives at a level. It's like.
Ooh, I should have done it as a different. I should have just been someone who thought you were pretty.
Okay.
Who didn't know you.
That has happened to me, and they've tried on my coat. Yes. Wow. More times the type of people that just love the coat.
But people who just think you're so pretty, that's even scarier, because then they want to like single white female you.
Interesting. Single white, female me.
They want to be you.
I mean, that's only happened to me once.
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I did have a real.
Look, this was not cult related, but I did have one bad experience with being too friendly. I was going on this date from the internet, and so I'm waiting for this person at the bar. Either I'm early or he's a few minutes late. Two women and a guy are sitting at this bar, and they're having such a good time, and they're like, oh my god, you're so beautiful. I love your outfit.
They're like, are you here alone? I was like, no, no, I'm just going on a date. I'm just waiting. They're like, oh my god, he's so lucky to go on a date with you. And it was very brief, very positive and normal, but sweet interaction.
And then I walk off, the guy gets there, and we go and sit down. I guess they got progressively drunker and drunker, which honestly is probably the main thing to take into consideration here. But they got way too overly invested in me as a person, and it was like they were my sisters or something like that. And they were like, is this guy good enough for her? All this energy, which again, at the beginning was kind of funny.
They were looking back like, so cool. But then I went to the bathroom, and I got cornered, and they came into the bathroom. You know how girl bathroom etiquette is, you go very deep with women in the women's bathroom. You'll have deep conversations at clubs and bars, mostly, sometimes in restaurants too. But if there's drinking involved, it's kind of a whole meme on the internet.
So it was a little like that, but I couldn't leave.
They stood in front of the door?
Yeah, they were really, and again, very drunk, and I wasn't because I'm on a date, I'm having dinner. And then they kind of were coming up to the table then after that and being like, she's amazing, you know that, right? And then by the end, it totally ruined the date. Like the guy was very uncomfortable, and then I, we never went on a second date. So that was my only, basically, my point is, usually I have a radar.
And if the person is coming in with a creepy intention, or like, I wouldn't have lent them my coat. But that was the one time that I was wrong. The energy ended up being kind of, it was so strange, actually. I still don't really know, I'm like, did they like me?
Did they want to have a threesome with you? Probably, right?
That didn't even go through my mind. It was just weird. They hate this guy, and they're like ruining this date, but pretending to be looking out for me. Have you ever had people do that? No!
No?
But also, I've never, I would have said something. Yeah, how would you, if the bathroom thing is happening? I think I would say like, hey, I'm feeling sort of uncomfortable, you need to let me go. Like I would make it clear, I'm not happy right now. And then, if they came to the table, I would say, this feels pretty inappropriate.
I'm just trying to have a date. It was nice meeting you. Yeah. Harsher statements. Because you were probably being so nice.
I was, because, again, I'm telling you the ending, but like 60% in, it was just funny. You know, also, like online dating is like, you're so awkward. So it almost made it just lighter. But no, then it veered. And if I'd known that it would veer to that place, I would have never engaged with it.
And I think I have an issue where I cope with discomfort by making people more comfortable. When I get uncomfortable, or again, I feel threatened, my go-to is to, I think a lot of women do this, is to just pacify, basically so that the other person doesn't do worse things. Exactly.
No, it is a strategy. My therapist has said that there's fight, flight, and fawn. And fawn is that. It's sort of giving them what they want so that it doesn't get too far out of control.
Yeah.
It's upsetting. But yeah, it's very common. I've done it too, in certain circumstances. Again, not with strangers so much. But in a threatening situation, it's a tool that a lot of people, and especially a lot of women, use.
Yeah. Which is your favorite F?
I mean, the favorite.
Well, your go-to. Okay.
My go-to is flight, I think. Or if it's someone I know extremely well and something is going awry, fawn is my go-to. I've been aware of that, of when I use that and when I don't, and how. I think I use that when I feel the most threatened, when I feel like my life is at stake. I'll fawn.
But flight, in like a normal, average, threatening situation, I flee. I never really fight.
Yeah, fighting. In a threat.
I do fight in life. I'll debate, I'll fight with people. But if shit's getting real, no, I don't.
Yeah. What about you?
What's your favorite F?
My favorite F is definitely flight. I love to leave. Avoid the situation. But I think my go-to is fawn too. Yeah.
And fight has happened when, you know what? It happens when the other Fs don't work. I was in this, like, abusive relationship and, like, I had physical fight reactions, which I've never had in any of my other relationships. Because he was so aggressive. I never heard him, but it almost felt so knee-jerk that it felt almost out of my control.
Like, I remember once I just had my feet on the table and he was, like, yelling at me about whatever. It was just additive. and, again, I felt he would never let me leave and is very toxic. And I remember once literally pushing the table so hard and, like, something broke and flew off of it. And I didn't even register that I was going to do that.
Wow. Right? And that's how I knew, like, this is. Like, I broke my glasses once. Like, I literally took my glasses, like, threw them to the floor.
Wow. And they broke. And I was, like, what is going on? I didn't want to break my glasses. Yeah.
That's, like, just on me. Like, it's just, like, it's a stress response for me that is ignited, which might be a woman thing too.
That seems right. Yeah.
Not a woman thing, but more common for us.
Ugh. Yeah. Wow. Well, okay. I don't think we have time to get into what we talked about at brunch.
So we'll do that next time.
As my friend said, you guys never finish the pins. You guys put pins in and you don't go back to them.
That's right. We don't. Okay. The second one on the second page is good. Friend talking smack?
Wait.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Ha! All right, let's do it. Let's do it.
It looks good.
Oh, this is, oh boy. Okay. Friend talking smack. This is from Anthony. This is a very specific scenario.
But my friend has a podcast company that produces a lot of podcasts, and I listen to several of them, not all. She has always been very thankful for the support, but adds that we, our friends, don't have to listen to any of them. And I recently mentioned that there was one show that I did not listen to. I probably could have just kept that information to myself in retrospect, but she's always said listening is appreciated but not required. But still, I did feel bad about saying it, asking my wife if that was rude, but was assured it was no big deal, as our podcaster friend has always said, listening was NBD.
So imagine my surprise when I do tune into the show I rarely listen to and hear the host talking about how miffed she is that I, me personally, don't listen to this specific branch, prong of the umbrella, saying that I am somehow anti-feminist for not listening to this one podcast. If you have something to say, say it to my face, Monica. Clears throat, then kindly. So my question is, do I need to apologize for telling my friend I didn't listen to their podcast, or do I need to demand an on-air apology for her defamatory blind item about me? Thanks, ladies.
Keep up the great work.
Well, Anthony, now we can say it, because I kept him anonymous, but he just outed himself. This is Anthony Lombardo, old roommate of mine. I wasn't also just talking about Anthony, I was talking about somebody else who I will continue to keep anonymous.
Okay, I thought there was someone else. Yeah, there's somebody else. Who may be listening.
Who also, maybe, has found his way. The answer is, do you need to apologize for telling me that you didn't listen? No. That's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for.
why this one. I still don't know. You didn't answer. You didn't say. Should we call him?
Yes.
Damn it. I know.
Well, fuck, I want him to pick up. I want to know why.
Well, we know why.
But the reason, I don't know why is because he is a feminist. Anthony, you are a feminist and you treat people well. I said all this. And now I have to repeat it. You treat people well.
You treat me extremely well. I'm very grateful for all the listening. You don't have to. I'm not saying you should be listening to this. I'm wondering why this.
I'm still wondering. And maybe you'll write in again and say, and I will apologize. Hmm. Will I apologize? This is an interesting.
Well, I will apologize if your feelings are hurt, that I brought you up on this show anonymously to talk about an issue that I do think is an issue. But I don't think you're not a feminist. I want to make that clear. You are one.
I mean, I like your approach, which is like, I don't understand why. It's not a problem.
I'm just curious. Yeah. It's not something I want him to fix. I don't want him to start. He shouldn't listen because obviously I'm going to keep talking about him.
No, I'm not. But I mean, yeah, I'm curious. What is so lovely about him is. I do know that him saying, I don't listen to Saint, it bothered him enough that he did ask his wife. I'm sure all that's definitely real.
It bothered him enough. He, probably in his own head, thought, why don't I listen to that? So what I love about Anthony is he writes his wrongs.
That's all we are asking for.
I want to know. I just want to know. I just want to know.
I mean, to me, this is like what so many, again, not that all men should listen to whatever it's about this show. But I think that this happens to a lot of men where they are going along in the sea of the patriarchy and like doing their role and doing the thing, and like listening to the things that they're told that they should be listening to. And again, we do this. White people, it happens with all the ism and all the identities. And then you get asked a question or called out, or whatever.
it is, right, where someone is like, but this isn't in alignment with what you say that you are or how you even seeing his potential as a person who I believe it is, as your friend. And I think those moments are actually really important for men.
I agree to just think, again, you're right for all of us, in all of our identities. Like, why am I only listening to this lane of thinking? And you aren't forced to think about it until someone says, oh, why haven't you listened to this? And then you get probably get defensive. And then, if you're a good person, like he is, you then go, huh, maybe I should listen and understand why I don't.
It can still be, I don't want to and I don't like it. Right. Not for me.
Yeah. For another reason.
Or for that reason. But you should know it. Right.
Right.
Wow. That's so funny. That was great. Thank you, Anthony, for writing it. Oh, fun, fun, fun, fun.
Okay. Body image and clothing confidence. This is from Britt. Hi, Monica and Liz. First of all, I love the show and look forward to it weekly.
My question is about body image and body confidence. I've struggled with body image issues since high school, and it affects how I dress even. For example, I won't wear tight clothing unless I look and feel my absolute best. Flat stomach, no jiggling at all in the hips, et cetera, which is rare. Do you ever struggle with how your body looks in clothes, or advice on how to let that go?
Sometimes I won't even let my husband see my naked body if I feel I look gross. I'm in therapy, but I just have such a high standard for myself, based on society standards growing up, and can't seem to rid my brain of them. Thank you for any advice you have. I think this is so relatable. Totally.
Sometimes I hate the way my body looks in certain clothes and sort of like the makeup thing, what we were talking about where I was like, I'm just going to wear this white person makeup anyway. I do that with clothes. If I like it on the rack, it's not like ill-fitting, but I think my boobs look too big in it or something about my body I don't love. I'll normally just get it. I'll wear it because I like it.
I like picking it out. I like putting it on. It's helped a lot of that where I'm not trying to find the perfect clothes for my body. By the way, this is horrible styling advice, I have to say. Every stylist would say, pick clothes that work well with your body.
But if you're actively looking to uncouple a connection in your brain, I think this is a good way to do it. It's just sort of like, I don't give a fuck. I'm wearing this thing that accentuates a part of my body that I don't love. How do I feel throughout the day? At the end of the day, did I survive it?
Did people still smile at me and laugh and engage with me? Yes. It's sort of like immersion therapy in some ways.
I have the opposite advice. that's so good, though, because I do love that. I think that's the right thing to do.
There's no fix. It's something you have to try different things for. I had the privilege of getting to work with a stylist when I was at Vox. That was something that is not possible for most people, but you can also get cheap stylists. They're virtual stylists.
My best friend just did this, and it was so great.
It's not like you have to shell out so much money, but to have someone actually – because so often, I mean, there is nothing wrong with your body. It's that the clothes – oh, did he call you back?
Anthony sent this GIF or whatever. Hold on. I'm going to call him again, and we'll pin.
Yes, yes, yes.
He's so afraid.
Don't write – He's so afraid. Exactly. Don't write in and not be prepared for the consequences.
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