Conan Must Go: Kai (Norway)

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit team.co.co.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi Kai, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.

Hey hey everyone, Hello Kai.

How are you?

I'm doing fine. How are you, Conan?

I'm doing very well. Kai. First of all, tell me, where are you talking to us? from? Where are you right now in the world?

I'm calling from a small fishing village on the coast of Norway, on the islands of Lofoten, called Eggum.

I'm sorry, it's called flufluten.

No, it's Lofoten.

Oh, I'm sorry, how foolish of me. Lofoten Lofoten, all right.

Lofoten.

Lofoten I think you're getting it.

I am just a run-of-the-old-mill fish farmer from Norway. I used to be a fisherman. I don't know if you've seen the Discovery Channel's TV show Deadliest Catch.

Yes, so you used to be a fisherman, you used to take fish from the sea, but now you're a fish farmer, which means that you are planting fish.

In the ground.

In the ground, planting fish seeds.

In the ground.

How does it work?

It's funny because the fishermen don't really like the fish farmers that much because they.

Think it's cheating?

But I just say to the fishermen, which I used to be myself, that why do you want to go out into the ocean and spend a lot of time searching for fish? When you can just plant them there, feed them and sell them when they get big.

Yeah, that's true. And so how does that go over with the fishermen?

Yeah, I know they're angry all the time.

I think they're pretty angry when you say that. Yeah, so you're fish farming, but that still means you get in a boat. Yes, you get in a boat and you go out. And do you have an area where you raise these fish?

Yeah, we have these installations on the ocean called a fish cage, and where I work, we have 10 of them and there's about 500,000 salmon in these cages. And we go out on our catamaran every day and we make sure it gets fed.

What do you feed the salmon? Oh, it's cold, go ahead.

Yeah, it's something called pellets. It's something like they have figured out the kind of food that it gets to make them grow the most from what they eat.

Right, so is it filled with lots of chemicals and stuff?

No, no chemicals like me, it's all natural.

Oh, I don't know about you, Kai, but I rely on many chemicals to enhance things. If you know what I mean, and you will, Kai, you will.

What?

Kai, please settle down, Gang Kai. If you fed salmon hamburger, would they eat it?

Of course we wouldn't.

Good answer. I'm just curious, part of me thinks, wouldn't it be funny to feed salmon hamburger and then feed that to a pescatarian? And then when they're done, go ha ha, you just ate a lot of hamburger, fuck you.

Yeah, that would be hilarious.

Tell me about do you like your job? do you like going out on the sea and working with these fish? Is that? what kind of life is that? and do you enjoy it?

It's amazing, I think when I picture my life, I think if I get to stay within this field of work, I'm going to die. A happy man because it's such a free type of job. You know, we're just two, like, we're colleagues, but basically we're really good friends, going out on the boat, doing our thing. We don't really have like supervisors hanging over us.

You know, it's interesting you say that because it sounds like you're a real man's man.

I am a real man.

Look at me, No, no, what I'm saying without kidding around. This is you're going out on the sea to make your way, to make your living. There's high wind, it's very dramatic off Norway.

Yeah, it's like an honest day's labor. I'm kind of envious, yeah.

Well, I'm not envious, because Kai, what I do is very similar. No, no, I come out here. I don't know if the temperature in the podcast booth is going to be 71 or 72. I don't know if the iced tea they got me is going to be completely unsweetened or have a little bit of sugar.

Absolutely, I'm so happy that I'm up here in the Arctic and not down there. I'm so glad for that.

What you just said, So Kai, you're just very happy that you're you and not me. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, that's sort of what I'm saying. I can't imagine being able to bear those problems.

Well, you mentioned that you go out in the sea with someone else who is this? is this a brother? is it a friend? who do you go out?

Well, I would rather say that he's a colleague, or like, he's a buddy more than a colleague, because we're such good friends. And his name is, like, in the region, his name is pronounced God Seaman, and I was very nervous saying that, God Seaman.

God Seaman.

His name is Guard Seaman.

Yeah, that's, yeah, it's Guard Seaman, and it's the perfect name for a guy who works in the ocean.

No, it's not actually that would be Jack Fish or Billy Wave.

It's the perfect name for someone who wants to have a prison guard for a child.

I mean, Guard Seaman is not, I don't think of as the perfect ocean going name. does he? If he does he tell people his name is Guard Seaman.

Not if they're English. No, yeah.

He should switch it to Gus Jizz.

I'll be sure to tell him that tomorrow, when he basically kicks my ass, yeah.

All right, so your friend Guard Seaman?

I like getting on a boat with you.

I like Matt Gourley and I, and I like Sonoma Session. But if we were on a small boat together every day, no, we'd last maybe half an hour. No, how do you guys get along?

Well, the thing is that to keep it fresh, we have installed this, this fun game we do when we're out in the ocean. We put on this like local radio channel, which is called Radio Retro. So it plays like hits from the 60s to the 90s, and we have it on full volume. So when we're out working, whenever there's a song comes on. The first one to guess, like the band's name or the like title of the song, gets a point.

But you do that every day, every day. Two of you bobbing in the water, and then one of you shouts out, It's the Archie's sugar, sugar and you high five each other. That's, that's what's keeping this together.

Yeah, when you say it like that, you know, yeah, well, don't make him.

Don't make him question this.

It's all he's got. No, what do you mean when I say it like that?

Kai That's what it is. When you say it like that, when you guess the song, and then you have to listen to the whole song. Yeah, that's the best part.

How long have you been doing that? It sounds like they're doing just fine.

I know they're pals.

Six months.

Oh yeah.

Six months.

I thought it would be longer.

No, no, don't be fooled.

How long have you been in the boat together?

Three of those six months, okay, basically.

I promise you that you're basically saying this is relatively new. You and Guard Semen are out there playing 20 questions about songs hits from the 1960s off a transistor radio. I think this is, I think you're going to need help in the long run because you're going to get on each other's nerves. You know that, right?

Every day, every day, but then the Beatles let it be, comes on, and then it's all fine. Oh, okay.

Well, that's a pretty hard one to guess, isn't it? He only says, let it be 75,000 times, and then he says, By the way, this is the Beatles in the song.

Oh yeah, because, like, Oh, what doesn't he do? That gets on my nerves.

He just exists, Oh, he exists, okay.

Yeah, he's my Jordan Schlansky.

He went from being your friend to just being this guy that you clearly can't stand. You guys, this is rough.

Is Guard Semen a real person or you just have kind of a little scarecrow out there?

It's a volleyball. Yeah, he's the volleyball. I was just going to say, Do you see Guard Semen in the room right now?

Why would you name him Guard Semen?

Yeah, what's he made of? Okay, settle down, let's get this on the right track here, gang, we're talking to Kai here.

I'm kind of a bit more experienced than him when it comes to basically boats and being out in the ocean, because I'm a pretty experienced seafarer.

It's actually seafarer.

Every time I try to show him something like for instance with the engines, I tell him something and then he just immediately says no.

And I go, what?

And then he goes, Oh, yeah, probably, and that's every time.

Every time, well, I have some advice, don't start an improv group with him. Okay, that's the first thing you shouldn't do.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't, yeah.

What do you think I should do to make him respect my authority?

Kill him, whoa, whoa, No, I wouldn't do that, whoa.

Tell Mrs Ripley over here, you're on the boat in the middle of the ocean.

It's perfect. Bodies disappear all the time. Are you stronger than he is?

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, a lot stronger.

You're a very strong guy, aren't you?

The strongest.

What do you mean? The strongest? whoa, Tom? you're the strongest. When you say you're the strongest. Are you the strongest guy in your town? Do you think? Oh yeah?

No, I'm just the strongest mentally. That actually has the endurance to put up with him.

Oh, okay, I see. How big is your town that you live in?

It's a small fishing village, we're approximately 50 people here.

Oh my gosh.

Wait, you live in a village of 50 people. Yeah, and then you choose a job where you go out with one person every day and isolate yourself.

Yeah.

What are you running from? Most definitely? what did you do in your past? 50 people live in the town of Sklooban, Dooban, 50 people live there.

Nobody in this village really uses the internet or social media or anything. And here I am talking to the biggest star in America, and that's just so out of the-.

Wow, you really don't get out much, Kai.

Because, I mean, Silva has a best-selling book and everything.

I'll remind you who you're talking to.

Let me ask you about your personal life. How's that going? Do you have a special person in your life?

Guard Seaman.

Wait a minute, okay, what's the dating? I mean, you live in a town, you're a good-looking, manly man, Kai.

Yeah, the thing is that I couldn't really date anyone out here because we're all related. But about half an hour's drive, you come to a town that's slightly bigger, but even though it's slightly bigger, we're still in. The population is so that, you know, everybody.

Do you have a plan to meet somebody? do you have a is there a way where you are that you could go and possibly enter a dating scene?

I haven't really, ever had a girlfriend and I'm not really sure how you get one of those.

Well, you've come to the right person. Oh no, no my hard pass, no my in America. I have quite the reputation with the ladies.

Yeah, of course. Who wants to go through life alone?

Well, Matt, yeah, many years, yeah.

Many years and look what it did for me.

Exactly, do you think I could be of any help to you in this area? What if you and I in your demand? What if I was your wingman? do you think I would be of help to you?

I think if you were my wingman, I think I'd probably have to move to an even more secluded area.

You're wrong, Kai, you're wrong, I could do great things for you, Kai. I could fix your relationship with Guard Semen. And I could get you into a real dating pool where there are as many as two people you're not related to.

Yeah, but okay, have you ever been to Norway yourself?

I have been to Norway and you may know this, because it was a huge deal at the time, but I was there. I went to Oslo and I was the host at a big variety show that honored the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. That must have swept through your area like a cyclone. Conan O'Brien hits Norway.

We probably didn't have television at the time, so I wouldn't really know much about it.

It was two months ago, it was a couple of years ago, I forget when, exactly.

Yeah, I saw an interview of you, and what I remember from you was that you were angry that these two 10-year-olds were living at the same hotel as you. And got all the recognition, Yeah, yeah.

There was a pop duo of two 10-year-olds, what? They were a big deal. And it was really hilarious. Because when I would walk outside my hotel, all the young girls were screaming, You know, Sluden, Duden, where is Sluden? and Duden? And I was, you know, what am I? Chopped liver?

Sluden and Duden.

Yeah, it was Sluden and Duden, or Duden and Sluden.

And Marcus and Martinez?

Oh, that's it. Marcus and Martinez. Are they still a big deal over there?

Yeah, they've really dabbed over the years.

They've really what?

They've become more and more anonymous over the years. One is playing soccer and I don't know where the other one is.

No one does I think they're both one wait, one is playing soccer and the police don't know the whereabouts of the other one.

No one knows. Careful, you don't find something in the water.

He changed his name to Guard Seaman, and he does fish farming with you. Yeah, how do you know that Martinez of Marcus and Martinez isn't Guard Seaman? Let me ask you this.

Anytime a Martin and Martinez song comes on the radio, does Guard Seaman always get that one? Yeah, he gets it immediately.

And he says, And I wrote that one, I mean, Martinez wrote that one.

What a mustache I've got.

Wow, well, where do you live in town? do you live in an apartment? do you live in a house?

No, actually, I bought the house I grew up in. Oh, and I got a pretty sweet deal on it too. Well, I should hope so.

I would love it if you screwed over your parents. I got a pretty sweet deal. They didn't know what hit them.

I muzzled them out.

How did you? you bought the house from your mother, your father? What happened?

My father because he has moved to another place, and I asked him instead of the house.

He was tired of all the crowds. Yeah, he wanted to get away from his whole family of 50 people.

Yeah, because I was living, I wanted to move back to my hometown. And I asked him, like, instead of the house, you're standing here and decaying. Maybe I could buy it for a reduced price and use the extra money to, like, freshen it up. And so that when my siblings and my father wanted to come for vacation, they get like a more fresh and more styled house. And yeah.

Are you good at home repair? Are you one of those guys that knows how to fix things up and make it look nice?

Kind of, but like, I need help with most of the stuff, I can do some of it, but yeah.

Well, what's Guard Seaman doing? yeah.

I'm sorry, please Gus Giz, sorry.

Sam Spooge.

Well, I just want to get back to the boat for a second. You're out on the boat, the wind is blowing through your hair, the salt spray is hitting your beard, your Nordic beard. You know, Guard Seaman is in the back, probably screwing up the engine.

Yeah, it's like it's just an unmatched feeling, like you have the vast open oceans you have, like the climate we have here, it's windy.

No, but it's basically basically, Kai you are, I'm not even kidding. Here. You are a modern-day Viking, you're part of a tradition that goes back thousands of years, you're out on the sea, you're a man's man.

Do you think that seems that way? Because, look, you're wearing this Norwegian jacket, too.

Yeah, yeah, my wife got this for me, totally coincidence, and I wore this today, not even knowing who I was going to be talking to. But it's cold in L..A. right now.

Why did you have to say be honest?

What are you talking? I do want you to be honest, be honest, be honest. How would I do?

I mean, you've got some musical knowledge, so you would beat us at that thing.

No, I don't mean with the contest, I don't mean with the contest. Yes, I would actually probably do pretty well at the contest. I know my music, especially 60s and 70s. I'd kill it.

You know, I think it would be such a new and cool experience for you that I think you would probably kill it and give me a couple of days. I will have taught you how to drive a boat properly, how to work the engines and –.

No, not a couple of days I would need. I like to try and get the gist of things in about half an hour. Oh.

Do you mean kill it or just get killed?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm talking about the salmon. He would probably cause a mess.

Death him.

He'd all be out of jobs.

You know, Kai, you're underestimating me. I am a very first of all. I believe I have some Viking blood, you know, my people come from Ireland, I have red hair.

A viking is to you like a lion is to a little pretty kitty.

To a little tiny kitty cat, Kai, they're wrong and you're wrong. I'm a badass, and I could prove to you, I'm a badass.

Yeah, Conan, you're the Rolls Royce of Vikings.

I'm so confused, but I love it. I'm the car no one drives anymore. A Viking, yeah.

Expensive, unreliable.

I'm the expensive, unreliable Viking that no one has, the ultimate empty gesture that no one's had anything to do with since about 1972..

Yeah, but you're welcome to come and try, and I'll greet you with open arms.

Well, you'll spot me coming a while away because I'll be the first person that you don't immediately know from town that you've seen since birth.

Driving up in a Rolls Royce? Yeah, exactly.

A rolls Royce, This is how I roll Kai. It's an honor to talk to you, give my best to guard Seaman.

Yeah, same to you, Conan.

Dream come true.

Thank you so much.

Please my best to everybody in Sludenduden.

You sort of kind of know the name of the town, so maybe it will.

All I have to do is hit Norway and say, Which way is Abenskloben? And I think there's an 80 chance they point me in your direction.

Okay, yeah.

Actually, all I have to do is say, Where's Kai? and they'll go, oh, or Guard Seaman, yeah, or Guard Seaman.

Thanks, Kai.

Hey Kai, it was really nice talking to you and I do hope our paths cross. You seem like a very cool guy.

Yeah, same same, thank you so much.

Take care, bye-bye, thanks kai, bye-bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gourley produced by Me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino.