Please Don’t Destroy (with Special Guest Paul Rudd) Live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music

climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien!

How are ya? Hello Brooklyn!

I offered my nipple to this woman right here, and she wisely declined.

Then I turned to this guy, who leaps at the chance, and you missed my nipple.

You were like five inches off! You rubbed my low belly!

We are so excited to be part of the New York Comedy Festival!

Brooklyn Academy of Music! How many people here are from Brooklyn in the audience tonight?

I lived in a very different Brooklyn than the one you are thinking about.

I moved to Brooklyn when I first got my job at Saturday Night Live.

We don't have to woo everything!

And then I was murdered!

I came out here and I moved to Williamsburg in 1988.

It was not the Williamsburg you know today.

It bore no resemblance. It was desolate, it was frightening.

Have you seen the movie Dune? Brooklyn was like Dune then.

There was a giant worm, who was smart enough to buy his brownstone then.

He's made a fortune.

But I lived then, and I think my roommate at the time, Lynette, are you here tonight?

Where are you? Yell!

There's Lynette!

Lynette!

Lynette Cortez!

Lynette was my roommate at the time, and I took the apartment over the phone.

At SNL, you told me you've got to move to Williamsburg, it's amazing, it's up and coming.

And I got there and didn't realize you meant it's up and coming in 25 years!

Every day I was almost murdered.

But I went to the old neighborhood, like yesterday, and now it's just a giant piece of avocado toast.

The whole building.

But it's absolutely amazing, and I'm also just really impressed.

I've been here like 24 hours walking around Brooklyn, and everyone here is so self-satisfied.

I'm serious! Everyone is like, hmm, I might recognize you, but I'm not going to say a thing.

And I'm going, hello!

Comedy guy, around 40 years, Simpsons, SNL, Conan, blah.

And they're like, hmm.

And they act like they're not even sure Manhattan is a place.

There are people I've met from Brooklyn who've never...

Has anyone here from Brooklyn never been to Manhattan? Just tell me right now.

Okay, that's a little too much, I went too far.

It's so nice of you to be here tonight, and so nice that so many people are listening to the podcast,

which is something that came along late, late in my career.

I am 84 years old, and this is the fifth anniversary of us doing the podcast, almost to the day.

And we wanted to do something special, which is why we're here.

We are celebrating five years of doing the podcast, and for me it's been this miracle, this whole new life.

And it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't joined by two other people.

Yeah.

My accountant.

And this real estate guy, who's really smart.

No, and I think we should bring them out here, and acknowledge them, and give them all the love they deserve,

because they make it really fun for me to do this podcast day in, day out.

Let's get Son of Obsession, Matt Gourley out here!

I mean, it was against your will, pretty much.

You're my assistant.

I'm an old-time show business guy.

But you leaned in, and you whispered in my ear just now, that's a lot of people.

Do you think it's a coincidence that Brooklyn became cool after you left?

I'm sure there has.

I mean, I've not spent a lot of time here, but I've been having a blast.

I really do love it.

But yes, I do think everyone here is much better looking than I ever was,

and they're much better dressed than I ever will be.

I mean, it's very impressive.

Come on.

No, come on.

I don't mean that.

You're nice.

Not everybody here is from Brooklyn.

People are from Staten Island, they're from Queens.

We've got some people...

Who came from Manhattan?

Okay, here's a question.

Here's a question.

We talked to somebody outside who came all the way from...

Winnipeg, Canada.

In Canada.

Where are you, Janelle?

Yeah, Janelle's here.

Okay, let's not...

Sorry.

Okay, take it easy, Janelle.

She is out of control.

No, people have come here tonight.

There's someone from Guam.

This is pretty amazing.

Yeah, I made it up.

It's not true.

You know what we're going to do?

We're going to do a whole hour of randomly naming people.

You came from England?

You came just for this?

Why?

Jesus.

Wow.

You came from Tokyo?

Now people are just lying.

Yeah.

I came from Middle Earth.

What?

The Eye of Sauron brought me here.

Well, I hope you enjoy the show.

Why?

Why woo that?

That woo was so badly placed.

That's a guy in line who was like,

I'm going to woo at just the right time.

Hey, look.

Look at this.

That's true.

Please stand and turn towards the crowd.

Please, I demand it.

Because you stand.

It's opposite universe seats from each other.

Now swap partners.

Okay.

And we're going to film it.

For Dutch television.

and it has a picture of your face on it.

No.

What do you mean no?

Come on.

Oh, please.

You always act like I'm some asexual creep.

Well, you're half right.

I'm still a little lost.

Spell out BDE for him.

He's all confused.

No.

And the crowd didn't like it either.

I all know this guy's got it going on downtown.

Cool.

I came here on a different flight from you guys.

I took four private jets to get here.

Oh.

I wanted my carbon footprint to be so large

that it was four private jets just all mask taped together.

Oh.

I like to put my feet up.

Actual Simpsons line.

Anyway, no.

I came here on American Airlines flight yesterday

and just shout out to AA.

Not money.

Give us miles.

So anyway, what's wrong with you?

I realized I asked for miles

Well, no, they're not going to just give us money.

I had a pleasant flight out.

Yeah, we did.

about our trip in?

I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah.

I'm going to take an edible.

And then about a half hour later she goes,

She puts on a movie.

I put on a movie.

Fifteen minutes later, I look over.

She's watching the movie Blackberry doing this.

She was like rave tripping

and dancing to the movie Blackberry.

but that soundtrack slaps.

How high did you get?

I should not have taken the second one.

And the third one was a big mistake.

Do you routinely take edibles before you fly?

You were doing the robot

while you watched the movie Blackberry.

I went to sleep for a long time.

Yeah, that's nice.

How do you feel now?

before you came out and did a show, right?

Have you ever done that before

where you've done a podcast?

I know everyone probably thinks I do

Well, now the way you say that we do.

Okay.

I've seen you completely wasted

and there's no difference.

because I will point out that last night

we were out to dinner

and both of you were showing me

because you're away from your young kids.

You were both showing me

your baby monitors

that you have on your phone

for the entire lifetime.

They still don't know who I am

or what I do.

But you're in Brooklyn

and you were looking at your children

sleeping in Los Angeles.

It's nice to be able to look at them

at any point.

There was a large book,

like an Encyclopedia Britannica,

resting on her head as she slept

and you went,

but you don't want to spring for that.

She doesn't go to school.

and she goes out like a light.

War and Peace.

I didn't.

I don't know, just reading that

You're right.

a long time ago.

I know a lot of young fans

primarily know the podcast

but I could have used you in 1993

just laughing and looking at the crowd

back when people didn't like me very much

and say, come on, it's funny.

That would have helped me a lot.

I don't know if I would have

1993.

I know, I'm mean.

This woman's cheering me up again.

Hi, how are you?

Got that big dick energy over here.

I'm not worried about anything.

No one knew what BDE was back then.

No one talked about penises back then.

Now it's all we talk about.

Back then it was a forbidden subject.

That's sad.

We didn't even have them back then.

That's a great end to that

little conversational circle right there.

Thank you, Sona.

Thank you for right here

in front of this giant hall

of fantastic people

at the comedy festival

at probably the very end of my career

saying you would have found me funny.

Appreciate it.

I love you, you know that.

And I think you're very funny.

You're a funny guy.

I think you have a very promising

career ahead of you.

You're a fool.

I think it's time

Hello.

We are Please Don't Destroy.

And we feel too young to be Conan O'Brien's friend.

I want to thank you guys.

These people left work at Saturday Night Live where they're doing a show this week to be

here for the most important night of your lives in show business.

We're sorry we're not more famous.

Hello.

Yeah.

I am a massive fan of you gentlemen and I am so thrilled that you would be here tonight.

Seriously.

You know that.

in common.

I worked at SNL long before you guys were born.

Back when it was a radio show.

Wow.

Yes.

President Roosevelt would come on and say and now for the big show and there were sketches

and things and it was it was a very different time and I was telling the crowd a little

bit about that back in the day.

And you guys work there and you have you make these incredible comedy shorts.

But I have to tell you, you shoot them in the actual office that's identical to the

office that I worked in.

Mine was just down the hall.

Yeah.

One that you guys do your show in all your shorts, which have gone viral that you do.

They're in this room where I felt the greatest terror and dread of my life.

So when everyone else watches those sketches, they love them.

And when I watch them, I have to say I have to come over a lot of PTSD to appreciate what

you got, you know, like to just get into the comedy a little bit because it's horrifying.

It's a tough job.

Not for us.

I just would try and try and nothing would happen.

And then you guys.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Yeah.

Like, is it one of your favorite?

I was like you guys.

I was super young and I was working there and I couldn't believe that I remembered the

thing about SNL is they throw you right in the deep end of the pool.

Did you have that experience too?

You show up and I didn't feel qualified for anything and I got hired.

And the first day they're like, Steve Martin's in that room.

Go pitch him a joke, you know, go pitch him a sketch.

And I would say, you shouldn't send me in there.

I'm an idiot.

I still have acne.

I'm 23.

I shouldn't be allowed in a room with that man.

No one's vetted me.

And so I remember that part being just amazing.

I loved it.

It was scary and terrifying.

But at the same time, I felt like it was an incredible experience.

And nobody tells you anything about the show.

There's no rules going into it.

So when we shot our first video, JCPenney Heart Seltzer, um, we, uh, for those listening

No.

And they still didn't really.

They didn't know it.

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Thank you.

There's a family in the top row.

they had seen our videos on Twitter and TikTok and stuff and they were like, yeah, maybe

you'll do some of those because we were just hired as writers.

So we just kind of took it upon ourselves to go shoot this thing.

And then we showed it to producers and they were like, yeah, maybe we'll show it.

And then they showed it and then it did well and then it got on the air.

But we didn't know that going in.

These three ghost white boys talking about funny heart Seltzer brands.

I mean, I'm guessing I think I know the answer, but who you've worked with that has been like

the most intimidating, biggest star that you've worked with?

No, I actually never did a thing with you guys on the show.

So no.

Oh, wow.

It couldn't have been me.

Yeah.

You didn't know that?

Well, come on.

Taylor Swift.

That was huge.

Yep.

Okay.

That's a good answer.

Yeah.

Taylor Swift.

Martin, have you spoken yet?

What's up, bud?

Where do you go in these moments, these long moments where you disappear?

Got to say something at some point, Marty.

here.

I think you should stop right there.

Thank you, guys.

And it was an exit that cost us like $30,000, and just wasn't worth it.

You guys started together, NYU, and you guys were making...

And this is an amazing thing about this era.

When I was starting out, you couldn't...

I mean, I don't have to explain that.

Everyone knows.

You couldn't make a video and put it on the internet.

There was no internet, but I envy that.