Zach Woods

My name is Zach Woods.

And I feel pick-me about being Conan O'Brien's friend. What pick-me girl is? Someone who is like, sort of self-consciously quirky as a way of differentiating themselves from the masses. So that people are like, Ooh, she's interesting.

I am the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, mysterious man from the past, possibly the future, joined by Matt Gorley. You're from the future, I could be. We just don't know. I've got a beef with the future.

No, in the future, everything's great. We solve all those problems people are worried about, so they banished you from the future. I was the last exist. They fixed global warming.

All wars have stopped, there's no income inequality. And then they looked around and said, what else? and I was standing there and I went, and I said, Yeah, what else? The next thing I knew I was being tossed into a time machine.

So here I am anyway. And Sona's not with us today. She's a little under the weather, but we are joined by her replacement and who can really replace Sona? So you've already failed.

Yeah, David hopping, Hi, how are you good?

How are you good to see you?

Oh, yes.

Where all diseases have been cured. And then she's being rocketed back to us. Yes, she'll be glowing and wearing an acrylic suit. I want to mention something very quickly.

It was announced over the weekend. I'm very excited about this, that my new travel series, a series of specials, is going to be dropping on Max, or you can call it HBO Max, can you now?

I think it's just Max, daddy-o, oh, is it? you can't say HBO Max anymore? Well, I just want to educating in case there's some old fogey out there like me, who's listening going, What is this, Max?

I'm going to be, yeah, it's coming out, and it's been announced over the weekend that it's going to be dropping. That's what the kids say, dropping, but they still say HBO, but they say dropping, no.

Max is dropping HBO, coming soon to a theater near you with Clark Gable. Conan O'Brien Must Go is the name of the series. I like it.

I'm proud of it and it's dropping on April 18th. This is very exciting. I've seen the intro to the first episode. I don't think I can oversell it by saying, you just did.

No, I don't think it can be done. It's tremendous. Oh, I'm glad you like it. Yeah, and of course, you're in it as well.

That's what I'm saying. It's tremendous, but no, I think you've seen all of them.

Max, How are you, Matt? I'm good. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sleep deprived, I'm not going to lie, I'm not good, I'm not good. Have you tried tons of caffeine in the morning?

For me, what's a lot of caffeine for you? Maybe three cups would be too much caffeine. I will often have one or two cups a day.

What's the symptom that you show if you have too much caffeine? Do you get heart palpitations? are you nervous? are you sweaty?

I feel like I turned into an 80s cocaine stockbroker who's just kind of loose and tight, jittery guy. You've got suspenders on, yeah, yeah, blue shirt, white collar.

Basically, everything from Wall Street. Yes, exactly. Are you a fan of the movie Wall Street? Have you watched it a lot?

Yeah, I think so, yeah. Have we talked about the moment? I didn't know.

I had to come down on either side of that. Honestly, I wasn't prepared. One of my favorite line readings ever is Charlie Sheen is in the elevator with his dad, Martin Sheen, and I preface this by saying, I like the movie. I really love Martin Sheen.

But he does this very interesting line reading where he's arguing with his son, who he thinks has lost his head chasing these big bucks. And he says, I've never measured a man's success by the size of his wallet, that's the line is written in the script. But he says, I've never measured a man's success by the size of his wallet.

And it's fantastic. And I'm always imagining that he's holding you can't see, because it's a chest up shot, that he's holding a bowling ball, that Martin Sheen's holding a bowling ball. And it slips out and lands on his toe, and he didn't intend that, but it lands on his toe as he's about to just say, wallet.

He doesn't intend to never measured a man's success by the side of his slip wallet. Jesus, that hurts cut.

Cut Let's try it again. No, we're using it anyway. We got to get into it. We have a wonderful show today.

Love this fellow. Just love this fellow. truly a wonderful guy. I really do. He's a wonderful guy.

And he's brilliantly funny, and he's a magical man in my opinion. He's a hilarious actor who starred on the HBO series Silicon Valley. Now he has a new comedy series, which he co-created and stars in, Called In the Know. It's very funny.

It's available on Peacock.

Thrilled he's here today. Zach Woods, welcome.

You and I, we've got to talk about this right away. Yes, first of all, I thoroughly enjoy you so much. That I was waiting for you to show up downstairs, which I never do with guests. But I was like a happy puppy waiting for Zach Woods to show up. You're hilarious, very funny fellow and I always love hanging out with you and riffing with you. So I was there to guide your car into the parking spot.

What's the opposite of a pygmy girl?

And will you marry me?

One of my siblings had an incredibly elaborate one that involved meeting up with her. His, his fiance, who's lovely, is now my my sister-in-law. I'm like the top of a, you know, temple and Incas Aztec Temple. When he wasn't even supposed to be in country and being there at the same time, but I think he got the wrong temple.

But he eventually, you know, found her and and they figured it out. But anyway, I did.

I didn't want it to be too elaborate, so I didn't do one of those and I think maybe this was a mistake. But I handed her the ring and I said, You win.

You know, like, you know, big star top of every woman's list of If only I could. So that was probably the wrong way to go.

And I think, men, they were gangly in our youth. Would you say that you were still quite, quite gangly?

Yeah, it's just buried gangliness, but it's still gangly. I mean, I somewhat Bobby Moynihan. The actor once described somebody's body as looking like a lowercase B, where it's like all thin and gangly up top. But then a little paunch. And I do feel like a lowercase B body. But yeah, I'm gangly.

I feel like I don't remember I was thinking about, I can't remember who said this, but someone described someone as being like a daddy. Long legs.

Yeah, where there's just this little disk of cerebral energy and then legs.

Let's just throw half of a torso over there. So they did, and then they said, I wouldn't it be funny if there was a giant paper mache head? And they threw that on top? And I went out the door? But I've always been self-conscious.

I always try and wear things that break up the fact that my waist is sort of in the middle of my chest.

He goes back to the doctor's lab and he goes, Why did you make me? uh-huh? He goes, I'm so ugly, I don't fit in. Why did you make me?

And the doctor says, I just want to see if I could, and the monster is like, you wanted to see if you could? And then he goes. Then you make me another and you make her as ugly and detestable as I am. Because I need someone to love, and I need someone to love me. And I thought, that's so heartbreaking and beautiful, and I told my father that.

And he's like, Oh, I think that's sort of about. That's a story about kids like Frankenstein's, made from the pieces of a bunch of old, dead people. Which is essentially what a kid is, you know, in a genetic way, right? And that sort of question of, like, why, why did you bring me here?

Right is hangs over every parent. And when you were talking about being assembled with a paper mache head and legs and no torso, it made me think of the Frankenstein story.

The more, you know, I was a little starburst going by, I used to have a TV show where we could make the starburst go by. And I'm like, Well, well, I. First of all, you're a I don't want to embarrass you, but you're a very attractive fellow. And and I'm just curious because I know I saw you, I think, for the first time.

I remembered seeing you on the office. And then I have to say. A show that my son and I really bonded over was Silicon Valley, which, as you know, I've talked to you about it, but I adored Silicon Valley, absolutely adored it. And your character, Jared was so funny and so delightful. And so I told my son today, Oh, I'm going to that, I'd be seeing you, and he was. He doesn't respect me at all.

But I saw respect in his eyes.

You edit this, OK, I don't think we have the money to edit.

It's not just my nose, but it actually just snorts money.

In early days of Upright Citizens Brigade in New York. Before, it became this kind of factory for people, who would then go on to populate all kinds of comedy shows. No one made any money, no one had, you know, people couldn't support themselves. Everyone was a weirdo and not getting cast in whatever TV shows were being made. So Conan's show was how so many people kept themselves afloat.

And the first time I ever filmed anything for for television, I was cast on your show to play Leprechaun with Marfan Syndrome. That's my comedy, which was then cut, and then I also did a bit where I had to make out with somebody while Chris Matthews narrated it. And then I think that also got cut. But the point is I got, like, I got a paycheck.

And we'd try to use her, like once a week, and she played his sister, who wore a giant headgear. We'd give her a script that I'd like to think was a solid B, and I watched her every time take it to an A plus plus.

And then she would go into these incredibly ornate speeches where she'd be like, invoking like, Norse gods, Norse gods and screaming, and. But she was so amazing. But later I was saying to, reminding Amy, like, I didn't do that to be nice, you know, we were lucky to have you, we were lucky to have you.

We were lucky to have all these incredibly talented people. But what's interesting to me is there's a couple of people that I see in comedy. That sort of had my a similar build to me when I was coming up. And I always want to bond with them. Stephen Merchant Same thing.

I think of, like you, Stephen Merchant, there's a couple of us praying Mantis men out there that get into comedy and white, white men.

Yes, strong white men, I'm trying to draw.

That's the part that's objectionable, not the flagrant racism that I'm assigning to you, but just the self-description is strong.

And I don't think this is unique to me. I think you are someone who has a real kind of comedy Robin hood vibe in this way.

I just want to be around them, I want to have, I want them to do well, and then I want them to cast me in their works. Sorry, that's the long con.

There's something specific that you like? I know someday you're going to make a movie. And there's going to be a part that I'm not right for at all. And I'm going to guilt you into giving it to me, and it's going to really hurt the movie.

Can I ask you, this is something? Now? I'm selfish and again, I don't know. This is the idea we talk.

We talk, I know, OK.

But in the process of trying to kind of obfuscate what you're actually feeling inside, it can get kind of weird. It can, it can feel sort of cunning in a way. And I, when I would come back from from England to L..A. where everyone is so just unabashedly self-promotional, I found it to be a relief. Because it's like, OK, at least. You're like, telling me what a hero you are to my face, instead of hiding whatever self-regard you feel behind this kind of.

Right, you know, right. I like people who are like. I have a friend who talks a lot about all the famous people he knows, because he's delighted to know so many famous people.

And it's relaxing to me because I'm like, Oh yeah, I know where you stand. It's like, Can you believe it? Sarah Paulson loves me, I can, You're a nice guy.

I mean, she just called me to ask if I wanted to come to Art Basel.

You know, it's kind of cool that I bumped in and was in a restaurant and I saw, OK, this is kind of lame, but I did see. And then you say famous person's name, and you think, Well, no, I'm living in, I work in this industry.

Yes, yes, it's kind of like the social version of that, where there's like an air freshener that doesn't quite cover up what you're doing. So then it feels like this kind of like, if you feel like you have to, OK.

Money, I think, is a really interesting one, yeah, like when people don't want to talk about money because it's so uncomfortable. But sometimes when I'm around people who have lots and lots of money and they kind of try to spare me from the acknowledgement that they're rich. That's one of the only times I'm like, Oh, do you feel like your money makes you better than me? because you're protecting me from the fact that you have money?

But I'm glad you have money, that's great, good for you. Yeah, it's like, I'm not threatened by it. Unless the implication is like, Oh, I don't want him to know because he'll feel like such a little gutter snipe.

And I'm like, Wait a second.

It was very nice in Santa Monica, but a small apartment that my assistant and her, someone else who worked on the show, a producer on the show, got. And I remember coming in and I was like, This is beautiful. Is it OK if I go upstairs and Sona was like, Conan, you know, there's no upstairs?

And I would act like, Oh, come on, seriously.

At least let me see the screening room and she'd be like, You're a dick.

And I'd say, and then I'd say, like, OK, if you don't want me to see it, is it OK if I just go and check out the indoor pool? And? But it was the only.

And it's when you, sometimes you'll like, get your wallet and you'll just sneeze. That's the hardest I've ever seen. Adam Sachs is in the room with us right now, and Adam Sachs is a very genteel fellow. Adam hadn't known me that long.

And what I had done is I was talking about preparing, but he didn't know. But I was just saying, like, Look, I don't know. I think I just feel like I'm anyone else here, and I don't really feel like I'm any different than I was in high school. I went to a public high school.

My parents didn't have much money and we just grew up in a middle class house. And I just, I don't think, and I just think I haven't changed. And then I sneezed very convincingly and loudly. And what I had done is, I had had a money clip filled with money and I had rolled it up and hid it in my hand. And this wad of giant wad of money came out my nose and shot on the floor.

And I was like, Oh, damn it, like, every time I sneeze, a lot of money comes out. And Adam covered his, What would you say? Oh my God.

Yeah.

Another thing that I was thinking about, too, is that you. I feel like I've met a lot of people in comedy who are, you know, kind of lampoon, very cerebral, very smart and often a bit aggressive. And one thing that I've noticed over the course of the time that I've been watching you is it's really interesting. Like, I think sometimes people are so smart and and kind of acidic, get more so over time, but you've somehow I feel like you, you're like warmer and warmer.

Not that you weren't like warm before, but I feel like you feel like like. I think I was a little scared the first time I met you. Because I was like, this guy is funnier than me and smarter. And I'm like, I'm better educated and it's very like, brainy and fast. And and now I feel like I could be kind of a little bit of a puddle or a little sloppy and not feel scared.

But I definitely am a happier person now than I than I was then. Because you over, you just think, OK, this is who I am and I'm doing the best I can. You come to this, you settle a little bit in this really nice way. Also, I I think smart is way overrated, I agree.

Smart is so overrated, and sometimes I went to, you know this, this school where there were tons of quote smart people and who were much smarter than me. And I've in my life, in my career in show business, I've met tons of people who are smarter than me. They probably have a much higher IQ there, I just I don't credit smart with a lot.

Yeah, and as you know you, you degrade yourself when you do that. And I was constantly not thinking that much of myself and thinking that these other people were gods.

Don't push me out. Did you guys hear that, the Reverend Sir?

Oh, no, I knew it was going to happen, I knew it was going to happen. I posed as a warm guy that wanted contact with you. Do you think I wanted to meet you outside and leave your car in?

No.

I don't, I think other people are probably smarter than me. He bought it. I'm the smartest fucking man that ever lived.

Sorry, that was crazy. what a weird thing. what a weird sting operation.

I think it was Avril Lavigne, maybe, but anyway, someone said it.

Yeah, John Updike, but anyway, his face was just riddled with sores and open wounds because he got too famous.

What is happening between you two?

And I think you've made six of them, yeah, right, six, OK?

I watched the first one before you got here and I was like, Oh, I'm totally down with. This show takes place at NPR and this is going to reel you in, it's NPR. Zach is the main character, who's completely full of himself, named Lauren.

Yeah.

And of course, it's skewering a lot of the stuff that I think needs skewering. I mean, so many things need skewering on both sides of the spectrum. But it is so funny. I was watching it, I was thinking, this makes me really happy.

But one of the parts that I really like is that your character in his interviews. The interviews are on Zoom, so it's all puppets, but then when you're talking to whoever one of your guests are, it's really them on a Zoom. And so Kaya Gerber happened to be in.

But I guess I feel like, you know, people have a tendency to kind of winnow themselves down to one thing, or to winnow each other down to one thing. This kind of reductive identity thing where it's like, you are this one thing, or you're this one thing you did, or one thing you believe, etc. And so something that I always look for in stories and try to include is the kind of contradictory bird's nest of a person, you know? And one thing that's so cool about Stop Motion is because each character is played by 30 different animators, plus the voice actor. There's a kind of multifacetedness that's bred into the process.

You get all of these different people's little tics and imaginations and facial features and stuff in the process. I thought that was really fun, I'd never experienced that before. Also, it was also created by the Brandon Gardner, who's my writing partner and who listens to this show religiously.

But he's also a great guy, I love him, He's a great guy and guess what, he knows a podcast when he hears it.

No, but one of the things that it's something that I'm really looking forward to seeing more in the show is. You and one of your coworkers are always trying to out woke and out pc each other. And it makes for really good comedy. Because you will be saying, well, there's an unhoused person and everyone's very sanctimonious. And then she's accusing you of being insensitive because you didn't use the latest term. And I thought, this is comedy that needs to be done right now.

And then right next to it was an ADT home security decal that advertised that they have armed guards who are on patrols. And I was like, defund the police because you have, like, hired mercenaries.

Like, you know, I kind of cosmetic progressive ideology, where it's like, it's a personal enhancement, as opposed to a commitment that you're making to action. You know, it's a way of beautifying yourself, but you never really walk the walk. I mean, I think about that all the time of, like, how if you look at my credit card statements and you were to look at my journal entries? There's a terrible disparity between what I supposedly care about and what I swipe my my card on. Sure, sure.

Yeah, well, a boring answer.

Yeah.

They have so many choices, I really do.

And she said, No, no, that's just that's just an estimate. What I was like, what does that mean? So the reservations at cheesecake factory are a lie and a fraud.

My stepbrother is a regional manager for. Is that true? Yeah, cheesecake factory. I haven't even brought in cheesecake.

He lives in Dallas. God, I hate that they would melt on the way. I don't think he works for them anymore.

It's a menu where you think of something in your head. If it's not on that menu, I'll blow my brains out. Literally like an alarm clock. Covered in caramel that sits on a blintz, and then there's a Bolognese sauce. Page 17..

And giant pneumatic tubes firing foods from all around the world at hyper speed. You were quite young when you started doing improv, weren't you?

I wanted to be a jazz musician when I was a kid.

What kind of instrument?

That's so funny.

And so we did, and then I went back home and the guy who gave me braces, I feel like I've talked about this at some point. But he had a life-size mural of himself in a lab coat, putting braces on the animals in the jungle. And then he also had a portrait of himself dressed as a dentist, working on himself, dressed as Superman. Oh my god, so this guy was a fascinating character.

Yeah.

And I thought, Oh, that sounds fun. So I would take the train up to New York from Pennsylvania, where I grew up and I took classes. And back then, the upright Citizens Brigade was in this kind of dingy x-strip club where you remember this? Oh yeah.

Definitely, yeah. And they had cleaned out....

So sometimes these Hasidic guys would come in and sit down thinking a strip show was about to start, but then they'd just be stuck in, like Brett Gellman's one-man show or whatever. Yeah, and you'd just end up watching alt-comedy for an hour and they couldn't leave. So just the idea of these Hasidic dudes just watching it makes me laugh.

I probably have, but I don't know that. I've ever come to you, Matt, and said, I mean, take out that part where I talked about my younger sister beating me, That was exactly the thing you asked me to take out. I was just embarrassed that my younger sister could beat me so easily. Yeah, no, no, I don't remember.

And she totally just was hitting me through walls and then following me into that room and then punching me through another wall. Yeah, I don't think so, I don't think so.

I used to shoplift, really, yeah, and my parents were horrified, yeah.

Oh, wow, and that was a thrill, but I never stole a bunch of stuff and ran out. When I met Sona, she was running down Olympic Boulevard holding a Samsung flat screen, a very large one, and then I robbed you, remember?

That's right, yeah, I beat you with it and I took everything you had. You smashed it over my head, ruining the flat screen and then took Rob me of $8, which really was stupid because the flat screen was worth so much more. But yeah, I'm one of those people that the way I was raised was someone's always like, God is always watching. So every now and then, I would put gum in my mouth and I would be walking along. And crinkle up the tiny little trident wrapper into a tiny little ball and just sort of drop it on the sidewalk and keep walking.

And then I would stop and walk back and pick it up. And it's not that I'm the best person in the world, it's just that. I thought that I can't have that hanging over me. And I had a therapist tell me once years ago, you have the largest conscience of any, which is probably a shock to you guys.

But, he said, You have the largest conscience of anyone I've ever talked to. So those things, the idea of taking, even, you know, stealing one Alka-Seltzer from a drugstore. Not because I'm better than you, because I'm superior to you.

That kind of this is the way we will shame people and then they will behave. Or putting people in stocks, you know, it's a, it's a it's a public humiliation, which is something that maybe used to work.

I don't know we should do more of it. No, OK, I thought you were saying, that's not the way to go.

No, I think, I think people should be shamed.

Remember when I tried to dunk you in water to see if you were a witch? And all? This hair product floated to the surface? Come on well, you use a lot, you use a lot of curly hair.

I know, but various waxes and oils come on. No, what do you mean? It's crazy if I don't.

Why do you have to bring that up?

And the place, so that you have these big public hangings and those public hangings, was where there was the most shoplifting.

Yeah, and then you're, you know, Boo hoo, Australia. Have you been to Australia? It's amazing there. I wish I had been shipped off.

Yeah, instead, we went to America and went to Central Massachusetts.

No, yeah, I'd have like a V-shaped torso right now, I'd have like a six pack. I'd look like a Hemsworth if I had gone.

I would, yeah, I would. I would have lips instead of this caping gash for a mouth, I'd have eyes that were the right size. Instead of these beady little rat orbs. They should have shipped me off to Australia.

But no, we had to go to Sturbridge.

Oh, so sweet, damn.

Well, that's so interesting.

And then she married a Jewish gangster and a jewel thief, who eventually got killed in Chicago, but she divorced him first. And, like, they had a very amazing. It's crazy, right?

And then it's so funny how you just try to sort of wash the stink of the old country off you as fast as possible. Because then my grandfather changed the name from Woodensky to Woods. Start talking with kind of a fake British accent, apparently, smoke the pipe, and you just try to kind of ape this respectability as fast as you can.

I swear to God. I was like, Oh, they're growing pretty tall there in Oxfordshire.

I could talk to you for seven hours, I really could, but I have to respect your time because you're a man with things to do. Also, we got Brandon coming in.

Choke on it, baby.

So check it out.

Is it it? It came from the heart? But then I also wanted to credit the speech portion of my brain. Because when people say it came from the heart, I'm like, Yeah, OK, but without the speech portion of your brain, what the fuck? So I think the heart gets too much credit.

And I want to tell you what we were just talking about in the studio. And I insisted, let's turn on. I said, let's activate the microphones so Eduardo, turn them on. This is what we were just talking about. I made a declaration that I'm pretty sure I could take anybody in this room in a physical fight. Except I said, Blay, I don't think I could take you because you work out all the time.

Thank you very much. I don't think I could, but and then everyone started to get into it, like, No, you couldn't, you couldn't take Eduardo, you said more than that.

Yeah, you said I'd fight you without my hand. Yes, well, I know that you're a huge and I still think he'd win, yeah.

No, I think you're a huge, you're a huge soccer fan, you love Lionel Messi, It's Lionel, by the way. And I just think you're probably like, in the back of your mind, think I can't use my hands.

I've got to get him with my feet and then I just lay you out, you know? And then Adam, I'm sorry, but I just. It would be over very quickly. I disagree, yeah.

Yeah, I think Adam's the quiet prize fighter, you know, have you been in many physical fights? Very few.

Very few.

I don't like Michael, Sarah's like on steroids compared to Adam's tall and lie.

Wait a minute. Whoever wins an arm wrestling struggle does not win the fight.

No, listen, let's keep the conversation going for a bit first, and then we'll see if this so-called test of fighting aptitude gets us there, you know? So every time you're in a stressful situation. Or, let's say you're walking down the street with your wife. And some thug stands in the way and says, give me your money. You're going to say, we'll arm wrestle and see who gets my gold.

Is that what you'll say?

The only thing I've got going in my corner is a desperate need to prove something to you. My father figure, yes, and so that might be enough to take me over the top. Also, I'm betting. Just because I know you go to a lot of flea markets and you love to buy weird things. I bet you have a Flemish suit of armor.

And probably some kind of antique brass knuckle, yeah, oh yeah, with that knife cane, you know, you have all kinds of weapons, ironically.

What's an ironic weapon? Oh, you know, like a bumper shoot that has a little. That's what I just said, a little knife that comes out. that's what I literally just said.

I know, but it comes out, but one that has, like, a James Bond. That's what I just said, you didn't say one that has a little knife that comes out. I did, I said.

Did you? I did? Did he say this? Oh, I think I would lose this fight, I wouldn't even know I was in a fight.

I'm telling you, as my body grows stronger, and it does every day, ladies, I think my mind is going. I didn't hear you say that, but then again, I was yelling at you and I wasn't really listening.

You need your mind, you know you can't just be fleet of foot, you need your mind in a fight, you know, yeah, and coordination.

You have no coordination, you have no coordination. Let's get to the bigger thing. And I think Sona could take you, I can easily take you.

And, you know, I can take you.

Yeah, and you are the Khaleesi, it's insane, the dragons the whole thing, but you don't have. Yes, you are a strong person.

And I have a lot of inner rage. Oh, for sure, you do, but you also you don't have very much coordination, I don't.

And I think you'd be doing a lot of bits, I would do bits, you'd be putting the pen, you'd be like, mustache pen. Yes, yes.

I would do bits as I fought, which I think is very impressive. I manage to do bits when I fight people. I don't think that is impressive. And I think you'd get beaten up unless it's a distracting tactic.

Oh, it wouldn't be distracting. It's a lot of me using glasses. If I have a pen, I make it a mustache, or I make it like, Oh, I'm a Walrus with one tusk. Yeah, you did, the Walrus guy.

I'm a walrus with one tusk, you know, there's only one way to decide this, and that is right now. Fight club, yeah, battle royale.

It's the six of us.

I know nothing about arm wrestling, all right, and I don't think it's a test of strength, all right, on your marks, and we hold these hands.

Wait, what are you doing?

Sona, give me your hand. He held my hand and he did a little bit of that. It was a little bit of a rub. What are you doing? You do this?

This is the weirdest I have never seen this technique.

No, just stay there, but get here.

Win.

Oh, come on, I'm not doing shit, go, let's go.

Lift down his arm.

Oh my god. oh my God. Look at that. He broke my skin.

Yeah, you know what you would, I think you would. I think you're the best cheater.

Yeah, I don't call it cheating. Is it cheating? when Jason Bourne uses something in the kitchen? when the Russian attacks him and beats him? That's not cheating?

I thought about that you did, you could have killed me. I would like. My dream is that all of you attack me at once.

That's my dream, too, okay?

That's so weird.

And then you hit the wall and your hair is turned. Jet. Black guys. He's begging us to attack him. This is our one chance to take this man down. I'm giving you listen. It doesn't even have to be now.

You're allowed to attack me at any time. I'm like, Clouseau, Yeah, I just want to. I love the idea. Do you have to see it coming or can we Ninja style it?

He wants it. NINJA Oh, I'd like to see you try, Eduardo. I can hear you coming a mile away, muttering the latest soccer scores. That's what you do, Eduardo.

2. That's a score ridiculous. Manchester 1..

I always hear you before I see you. I do think that when powered by rage, or if I feel that my career is at stake, then I become a whirly gig. Yeah, but you don't feel that, so when you don't feel those things, you're powerless. Yeah, I'd be killed quickly.

At least, you know that.

And this is not a joke. I do feel like there is some kind of superpower that activates when you're shooting a remote. Or we're doing a bit. If I can say this, we were in Thailand and it was 180....

If I think it's going to be funny, you can shoot me. I don't want to put this out there with a glass, with a fake bullet. No, but if I think it's going to be funny, I can do things.

Otherwise, yeah, I would collapse immediately. Yeah, I think I'm a tissue man, a man made of tissue. Yeah, but let's see, you're all welcome to attack me at any time.

Who can know, who can ever know? Did you pick on Justin? because he was so little? I would never do that, and Justin, if you're listening, my apologies.

For 15 years of hell, I had to go to college, so I had to stop. Oh, okay, okay, good, no. I would play with Justin all the time, he's our youngest.

But I would play my games were insane. I mean, it's like he was trapped with a madman. So he would say, can we play cops and robbers? and I'd say, sure, and so I'd be the robber and he'd be the cop.

Then he'd say, you're under arrest, and I'd say, Well, okay, I'm suing you now. And he'd be like, What? And I'd set up a table and say, you need to fill out these forms. Because I think you had no right, and I think you avoided my constitutional rights. And then I remembered it ended once with him.

I said, you have to go into this prison because you've been taken up the police force. This is like 1981, he said. You have to go into this prison.

And I said, You're the guy who shares a set with you as a robot who's there to spy on you. And he was like, What's happening? I just want to play cops and robbers. Oh my God, so that's, I mean.

And he's a lawyer now, he's a lawyer now, I think, to fight those same injustices. I love you, Justin.

And I apologize. I thought we were having fun. I don't even know you and I love you, Justin.

And then just, Oh, good, I can pick on these guys, you're the Neil. Yeah, not really all right.

Well, this was, I think we learned a lot. I think we learned a lot here. Which is Gorley, you would fairly beat me arm wrestling. I still think it was a real fight. I could distract you.

Give a little, it's not weird. look it up, people, that's how you grade school arm wrestle. it's so weird.

I don't know. And he had, like, it's weird, it was really weird, and it was tender, that thing you're talking about.

You know what I will say in the middle? can I say something on the side? No, that's what you use when you don't have the over-the-top joysticks.

You don't hold hands, they've never held hands. Sona Sona, He wanted to hold my hand.

Let it go, you hold hands, you arm wrestle, you see each other later.

You realize you're closer than you think, you find out what's in common, okay, and then you, and then you take a little drive.

Yeah, all right, I'm going to end it there. In fact, it will.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn.

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