#616 - JOE ROGAN + TOM SEGURA [10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY]

And go to that website at sunsetstripatx.

Com Come check out the show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe..com. He's always on the road, he's going on tour.

Check out Everything Golden Pony at Tonyhinchcliffe.

Com also Killmerch..com That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers? Go to Killmerch.com.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. live from the comedy store. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you.

Live from the world famous comedy store main room.

Dallas, Texas, Salt Lake City, Utah.

For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe Detroit Make some fucking noise.

Vegas, we're here, we're back.

Let these people around the damn world know what's going on. We're in the belly room of the goddamn comedy store Kill Tony in Calgary, Canada, everyone.

NEW YORK CITY You ready to do this? Make some fucking noise. Hey y'all, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from Austin, Texas.

Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you from ACL. Live at the Moody Theater and streaming around the globe on Moment House. Here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Ten fucking years. Who's ready to party?

Yeah, brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service Number one. Tequila Whistlepig Whiskey, their award winning rye and bourbon whiskeys, CM's Smokehouse and Screwball Peanut butter whiskey. Which presents to you the one and only goddamn, motherfucking best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. That is indeed. Paul Diemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.

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Because Ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire. Let's get right to it. Every single week. We have two of the funniest, most amazing comedians on planet Earth on this show. This episode obviously no different. These two guys, two of our best friends, two of our favorite comedians.

Let's see how loud this place can get for our guests tonight. Austin's own Tom Segura and Joe Rogan.

Let's look and go.

Austin, Texas Bitches.

Oh my goodness.

They're never going to make it, it's all bullshit. Jesus. We offered it to Comedy Central seven years ago. Thank God they turned us down.

Thank God, yeah, we're going to do it again tonight. So much fucking chaos in store. I want to really fuck with the people that didn't buy tickets or buy the stream.

What do you say? We have the best episode we've ever seen in our lives tonight. You guys know how it works.

Was there one? was it just one? You know what? We'll have that be the first fucking bucket.

When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which cuts off their time completely. And then we interview them and we find out more about them. That entire part of the show is completely improvised. Sometimes we find superstars of the future.

Sometimes we find insane homeless people. You guys ready to start this fucking show?

As with every show for the last two years, the person that's going to start this show came through for me in a real clutch position during May of 2021.

Really filled a much needed Asian comedian spot that we had to fill. And we watched him go from living in his van, only performing in open mics, to literally selling out every weekend. That he's on the road, has a girlfriend that's way too hot for him, has dabbled in cocaine here and there. While on the mountaintop, it gets a little snowy sometimes. We've seen him go through it all together.

Let's see if you guys know the words ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim, what's up?

What's up?

If you thought we all looked the same before the pandemic.

Try telling us apart with masks on.

I was living with the wrong family for three days.

Come back to America and what do I see, Black Little Mermaid?

One of the races that are known for being one of the worst at swimming.

This is going to get people killed.

Look at me, mommy, I'm a mermaid, Laquisha, No.

Grab onto this chicken leg.

What's Next? A movie about an Asian NASCAR driver.

Taradega Nights.

Thank you, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

An incredible performance, Hans, How do you feel? I feel amazing, I always do, and thank you so much for everything.

I'd imagine a lot of you traveled a long distance to see something that you've seen on the internet so many times. Right in front of you. Just the most honest, autistic, but like, but not quite fucking weird ass, motherfucker Hans Kim, a joke guru. How you been feeling lately?

How was your trip to South Korea? For real? It was amazing. I, you know, didn't download any porn, they'd block porn websites over in Korea. I was just jerking off to tweets and memes.

I was with my family. Yeah, they really block porn. Yeah, you can't get a VPN.

I can, yes, you did, didn't you? I did.

Yeah, I'm not buying it. You're a little too internet savvy to get trapped. Take the man out of the van You can't always take the van out of the man.

Which VPN did you use? Was it ExpressVPN? because you could get it right now using the promo code KillToNy.

Yes.

Hans What else has been going on in life? Anything else you want to tell these amazing fans out here? I have been doing great. I recently went to Korea and my family was kind of being a bitch to me. They have this new baby.

It's kind of taking all the shine. Oh, no.

Oh no, who's the family over there? My sister and her Chinese boyfriend?

Really.

Japanese would be worse, right? yeah, but not as bad as a Black dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty universal.

It's the one thing the whole world agrees on.

Almost zero is not zero.

Hans A lot of people have been talking about your cocaine addiction, people have been talking about since headlining all the time. I mean, let's face it, you've done in two years on this show what very few people have been able to do. You took this opportunity and you completely started doing long sets on the road.

You got better at doing long sets on the road and now you're headlining all the time, anytime you want. And selling out, adding more shows things like that. So a thing that....

Dude, you killed in arenas, you killed in Madison Square Garden. Thank you, Joe. I like to take credit, but I know the right people.

Well, that brings me to my next point, because I was thinking, how can we start this show extra special? In a way that's going to boggle people's fucking minds forever? And you've done so much. I don't know if you need this every single week, but I know you love doing it, right, yes.

So I figured I'd put you in a little bit of an awkward position here. I think we should do something that we've never, ever imagined doing in the history of the show, and that is a battle for regularship.

So Hans put that mic in the mic stand, go sit next to Michael Gonzalez's drums.

What's about to happen is something that.

I just cannot wait to see how this goes. You're about to see a golden ticket winner perform for the chance to become a full-time regular on this show. And since you animals in this room, you 3,000 people sold this place out in one hour. I'm going to let you decide who moves on to be the new Kill Tony regular.

Is that cool?

Ladies and gentlemen, doing a minute, a brand-new stand-up comedy that we've never seen before. This young man is one of the first-ever Golden ticket winners. He won it on the road five years ago in Houston, Texas. He moved here to Austin just a couple months ago to fucking live his dreams. The kid is a monster.

Make some noise for Kill Tony Golden ticket winner Enrique Chacon.

Fuck yeah, man.

S single file line stay quiet. And it started with no comeback. I still get paid. Bitch, fuck these kids.

Thank you.

I'm gunning for it. Is it hot dogs you're talking about? You're making Hans hungry? Fuck it whatever it takes? How many glitzy gobblers they take, bro?

Whose dick do I have to suck around here, dude? It's actually mine, it's my dick.

Gets to plug his dates if he wants to come on and do his spot. But someone's got to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Hans, why don't you come up here? Stand next to Enrique.

You've watched Hans grow up in front of your very eyes. This is a tough decision. You guys have, you know, almost nothing about Enrique Young Buck, still yet to hit the cocaine addiction and bottom and the mountaintop.

Enrique's holding the microphone. That's a significant advantage.

Thank you, brother.

So should we solve this once and for all? How many of you guys? Let's make some noise. How many of you think Hans Kim should retain his throne as a regular?

Damn, that's loud two years and they ain't sick of him yet. That's going to be tough to beat.

How many of you have Enrique Chacon winning? Let's Go?

Hans Kim is the motherfucker, ladies and gentlemen.

Hans will get to decide when Hans retires from the show.

Hans, grab the microphone from Enrique. How about one more time for Enrique Chacon? Everybody there, he goes.

Hans, How do you feel, man? These people love you. They picked you over a brand new human. They've been watching you for two years and they want more of you. How does that make you feel?

It feels amazing to see Mexican people get demoted again.

It is incredible. I didn't even realize that was a battle between an Asian and a Mexican. I should have had the winner get a bunch of rice, you guys both like rice a lot.

Hans, you still retain. We'll see you on Monday. You feel good. Thank you so much Tony. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody.

That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. Your first bucket poll has been pulled. Let it be known before I say anything that this is the first time in the show's history. This could be fucking anybody. We have no idea who this person is, and they're about to perform in front of 3,000 people.

Make some noise. We're going to meet them all together. Darius date everybody, Darius Date, or Darius Dale, perhaps.

Darius Day Okay, Darius Day, everybody.

Austin Tejas, Hello.

I love white people, I do for a lot of shit, a lot of reasons.

Like the movies you guys make Top gun.

And then they came out with Maverick and they made it not so racist because they put a Black pilot in there.

I never came out of movies wanting to scream white power before until I seen Maverick.

Even back to the future, that's a great white movie as well.

I just know they couldn't make it with a Black guy. We would only feel comfortable going back to the 80s, it would be a very boring movie.

I could just see myself getting in that delorean and he's like, we're going to go to 1847.

Darius is it Darius? day day? d-a-y-e, d-a-y-e got it? Welcome to the show, Darius. This is your first time on Correct?

Yeah, it's my first time in Austin, too, I love it. Welcome, welcome.

Incredible, you're like a killer. Mic went to an open mic. Hey, you know, it's good. I'm glad to meet you, though, because I've been having some problems with the LGBTQ community.

Oh, okay, and now that I can perform with you, it'll make them feel better. Thank you. Indeed, likewise because you're trans fat.

Son of a bitch, you come on my show and try fucking taking shots LGBT, How about KFC, motherfucker? What's going on over here?

Des Moines, Iowa What are you doing in Iowa? They still have slaves in Iowa. We were trying to get away from segregation in Missouri.

That's how we ended up there. What do you do for work in Iowa?

What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I sell crack? Okay?

Okay.

We're behind times in Iowa. We still smoke crack. What kind of crack are we talking about? where you keep getting fatter while smoking it?

Not the Texas kind. What do you really do? I work in annuities, I sell insurance to old white people, okay?

Okay, you gotta keep the generational wealth. I love it, I love it all. Steak.

Yeah.

Tony, I love you so much. I love you. It's nice to meet you. What should we know about you? You seem like you've seen the show before.

You know what's going on here? Give us some info on what's interesting about Darius Day. I'm funny as fuck.

I'm cool as shit, I'm just trying to make it. This is my comedy journey. I appreciate the opportunity also.

Very good for two years, very good.

Incredible. What's your love life like?

It's shaky, a lot of thick white bitches in Iowa, it is, there's a lot, it's a lot.

You don't gotta be the cutest when you're funny. I laughed my way into some pussy a few times.

It works. Oh, you're going home, knock, knock.

I love it.

Is this the most people you've ever performed in front of? Obviously, what do you think the second biggest show you've ever done was? I went to this real life racist town and they showed up. It was in Iowa, Nevada, Iowa.

It's spelled the same way as Nevada. I think they were confused.

It was a good show, though. How many people? Ballpark 500? Okay?

That's big for Iowa guys. Calm down, What's the most racist thing that anybody's done to you in Iowa? I'm sure everybody here, all these white people, want to know what it's like being there.

I get it, though, I get why they're racist. I've been hanging out with a lot of white people since I started doing comedy.

That's good. A Black guy cut me off and I called him the n-word, the bad one.

Wow, I didn't even know what that means. It's still a compliment, it is.

You know what I mean? It's not a cool way to say it, but it's still positive, like there's people thinking that here, you know what I'm saying?

Thank you, Mr. Sugera.

I love it, I love it. Darius Day, Very fun set. You're leaving here with a brand-new Big Bonsai custom-made special 10-year joke book. Can you catch it?

Make some noise for Darius Day Everybody, his Kill Tony debut in front of 3,000 people. Unbelievable. How fun a good bucket pull.

Very exciting. And we pulled another name out. We're going to meet them all together again. It's chaos, anything can happen.

Put your hands together for Kent Hunter, everyone Kent Hunter.

All right, we're going to meet somebody.

Here we go, Kent Hunter. Everybody make some noise for him. His first time on Kill Tony.

I got to be honest with you guys, I'm a little tired tonight. I had to wake up at 3.30 this morning for work and it was terrible. I woke up with a beautiful girl in my bed, but I had to go to work. I mean, the life-size sex doll wasn't going to pay for itself, am I right?

I did just start a new job, though. I'm stocking shelves at a grocery store. And on my first day, my manager asked me if I wanted knee pads. I'm like, Whoa, man, it's my first day, I don't need a promotion already.

I used to have long hair, so I would have to use female hair products whenever I took a shower, so whenever I hopped out, my hair would be fluffy, healthy. Smell like a butterfly's asshole. It was amazing, but I was really proud of my hair, so I posted a picture on Facebook showing it off. My old, bald football coach started talking shit to me.

He said, Kent, you need to cut your hair, so I told him to grow his out a little bit. He said, Kent, you know, I have leukemia.

Told him excuses don't win championships.

Is that why your entire lower half is shaking right now? That is incredible. Do we have a camera zoomed in on that? For the love of God? Holy shit, that is unbelievable.

That is the energy in this room right now is running through this man.

Yeah, you gotta love to see it. It's amazing. You just hit 3,000 people, man, that's fucking crazy.

This is insane.

Bro, look at your leg, I cannot believe it. It has a mind of its own. Literally 10 years, hundreds and hundreds, and hundreds and hundreds of episodes all around the world, the comedy gods are shining down on us right now.

Are you guys looking at this? I've never seen anyone shake exactly like that.

But you did a really good job keeping it together, even though you were nervous. You did a great job with your timing and everything. Thank you. I really appreciate it, I love it.

All of the blood went to the top half of his body. It's incredible.

It is absolutely incredible.

You're like Michael J. Foxworthy.

Oh, my goodness, the crazy thing is, every time you think it's going to stabilize, it tricks you.

They're switching up. Has this ever happened to you before? The first time you went on stage? The first time I went on stage, I looked like I had Parkinson's. It was so bad.

How long ago was that? A year and a half ago? Where was that first time on stage? Caval Bar in Jacksonville, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida.

Okay, has it happened at all since then? The old shaky leg?

A little bit, I think last time I was on it, a little bit, you were on Kill Tony.

Yes.

You must have been wearing camouflage pants or something, I must have missed it. That is fucking incredible. You have no condition. That's only happening from straight nerves right now.

We might need a paramedic or something. This is crazy.

What's the largest audience you've performed in front of up until this point? What was that? What's the largest audience you've performed in front of? Vulcan? When I got on last time, about 300..

That sounds about right. What do you do for work? KenT I stock shelves at H-e-B. you stock shelves with legs like that. Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm really hoping with the looks of your legs, I'm hoping it's the bottom shelves. Kent Which one, which H-e-b?

Shaker Heights.

It's my 35.

It's off of 35 that narrows it the fuck down. We'll figure it out, We're going to hunt you down, boy.

It's in the Greater Austin area you'll find it.

So where are you going to go for your next shift? how do you get there? Do they just pick you up?

What's your favorite part about working at H-e-B?

Just say anything, buddy, you're about to get fired, say something. It's clean. I do work with some great people.

It is a bunch of nice people, okay?

Let me ask you this Does your leg ever shake when you go on a date with a girl or anything like that? What was that? Does your leg ever shake when you like a girl? No.

It's just strictly a stand-up comedy thing. Has it ever happened outside of stand-up comedy? I don't believe, so. Wow, incredible.

You should do comedy while you're fucking a girl. She would really appreciate it. Hey, Red Band.

Red band Oh shit, the lights have been activated. Red band, Oh my God.

For those of you in Vegas, that picked Red Band to have the best joke this deep into the episode, you just won $9 billion.

KENT HUNTER A very, very fun appearance. Congratulations. Here's a big joke. Bug fun times, my friend. Good catch.

Especially since there's an earthquake happening in the middle of the stage right now. Kent Hunter, everybody.

All right, everybody, this is one of those parts where we have a special treat for you.

Another one of our undeniable esteemed Golden Ticket winners, this one got in right here in Austin, Texas, from Toronto, Canada. Ladies and gentlemen. The biggest show of his life.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad to the bone.

When you have a slaughter, no one takes you seriously.

Everything I say is fucking hilarious.

That's why I created an app called.

Chemio?

Where I inform people that they're still really ill.

I never heard so much laughter when I tell people they have.

Cancer.

I turned a family.

Crisis into a hilarious experience.

This month only.

Yeah.

And then again, we might not. He's retarded, you know what? I mean, it might just be him.

He knows it's okay, Joe. We call him retarded every week. I'm not your average retard. I show up on time.

You're a super retard. Wait, what'd you say? I still can't understand. I'm not your average retard. I show up on time.

Oh, okay.

Alright, let's talk about it. Jared, you're the fucking man. All you do is smash. You came out living your pro wrestling dreams. How did that feel?

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-b-b-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

I'm a special Olympics athlete. you're a special Olympics athlete. Yes. What sport I swim? Please tell me, bubble bubble, badminton, you swim and I played basketball.

Whoa, I was a point guard, whoa, they let you bring the ball down and decide everything that happens is the leader I'm. Even then I made the motherfuckin moves. Oh my god, absolutely incredible.

Wow, yes, did they always give you a trophy?

I'm number one, baby, number one. Did you ever look at the other kids trophies and see if they were number one too, though?

TONY Yeah, I'm the best there is, the best there was, and I'm best there ever will be. God damn right.

You're goddamn right. Wow. I also wanna say I love Austin, but it's too fucking hot. it is. it's hot. You sweat a lot, don't you?

Yeah, what's your living situation right now? here in Austin? We know you're visiting from Toronto, but what? what's your living situation? You have a roommate? are you on a couch?

What's going on here? I'm staying with some people, I have my own room, you have your own room. Yeah, I love it.

Okay, I'm gonna, I'm going back to Canada soon, Montana, back to Canada, okay.

Sign up for the emergency firefighter. I'm gonna help them, I'm gonna help them fight the firefighters in Canada, you are, they're letting you fight fires in Canada.

Yeah, instead of fire hose, I was gonna, I'm gonna piss the fires out. Oh shit. It's gonna be weird when they're like, somehow there's more fires where we sent Jared.

Nathan Are we sending people that like starting fires just to put out the fires? JARED You know what? I don't know what to do with you. Exactly. Cuz we don't have room for a fourth regular on our weekly show, where we try to meet new people and go through bucket pools. But I just had an idea while you were up here. Since we started making Hans fight for his position, how about how about this Monday coming up?

You go up after Hans and you challenge him for his position, huh? You have a chance? Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only jared, motherfucking Nathan, everybody.

Go that back up there.

I tried to get almost got him to set up the mic, stand all the way perfectly, but I think he wants to hear you guys make some noise. All right, your next comedian coming straight from the bucket is Emma Norris? everybody? Emma Norris, or Emma or Emma? Yes, Emma, everybody, all right.

So I have decided to stop drinking and driving, because when I'm drunk, I still drive like a woman. And I've heard a lot of people talk about time travel lately, and if you ask them, they say they'd go back. Use a machine to kill Hitler Yeah, well, I just found out that Jeffrey Epstein's victims got paid a hundred and twenty one million dollars. So I take advantage of that. That's my time. Whoa, 31 seconds.

Does an Epstein joke and then comes in under her time. That's incredible. Hello Emma, what's your last name? Norris? Nor, though that is a Z. Wow, that's a weird last name.

And or Z? What is that? I have no idea. Okie-dokie, how old are you? Emma? 21 21? Okay, old enough. Red band.

No bad red band, you guys want to all do it together, one, two, three, red band. You son of a bitch, all right, Emma, clearly 17 years old, saying that she's 21.

Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No, what made you want to start here tonight? What made you sign up for this? Actually, I've never done this before. My boyfriend is a huge fan of the show and he's up there waiting.

He's what he's up there, waiting, waiting to get a chance to be pulled out of the bucket. So this was your first time on stage ever? Yeah, I had to sign up, otherwise I would leave him. That is, that's insane. Have you ever done anything on a stage before?

I was a dancer my whole life, but it's a lot different when you have to talk, what? What kind of dancing did you do? Um, I was on a dance team in high school, so basically everything. Palm Jazz, Ballet, tap. How many? You think we should see her dance right now? Why not guys play some music?

Let's see what happens here. Emma Norris, She says she's been dancing her whole life. Oh wow, the Old Rat girl special look out. Wow. As basic as it gets, ladies and gentlemen, there you go. A lifetime of experience, all right? Stop, stop.

That was no talent whatsoever. That is incredible. So was your boyfriend's plan to have you sign up? Because this way? He thought that I was going to call him down. If you got up to see if he was funnier than you because he's watched so many episodes of the show, did he tell you that would be his plan?

You just go up there with 30 seconds and then it doubles his chances of getting called on the stage. He never mentioned that to you, He did perfect. Thank you, thank you for being honest. Here's a little joke book.

Can you catch? We know you can't dance. Can you catch?

There she goes, everybody, Evan Norris, everyone, we're gonna get someone up here that wants to be up here. You guys ready to take this show to a whole nother level, or what? Ladies and gentlemen, it's a goddamn honor for me to introduce one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Moved here to Austin, Texas, a couple years ago, famous for his unbelievable roasting and writing and stand-up skills.

You know, you love a David motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

Yeah, I was just in New York, New York. Pussy suck, cuz them hoes on walked all the moisture out of they pussy, man, you know? And then when that subway air hit it and they could just dry it out. Man, I like Seattle and Portland pussy, cuz all that rain in the air.

You know, it's like putting the pussy in a saltwater brine, you know, that pussy fall off the bone.

I really appreciate racism, like I wish I was alive when Black people had to go through the back door. You know, I'm saying, man, because this gay shit is crazy nigga, for real, man, I'd rather battle racism than this gay shit, you know? Like, what's scarier? A redneck in a pillowcase or a six-foot gay nigga with a hard dick? That's that's way worse. That's a fear of mine getting beat up by a gay nigga.

Man like, go to sleep, nigga go to sleep.

I think there he is the man, the myth, in front of the largest crowd in Kill Tony history, right? Absolute legend of the game. Yeah, well, are you just like a gay pallbearer nigga? You just carry the game, nigga, to his grave side. Brother, HIV medicine got you turning red.

No, it's called vitamin D. We don't know whether you have any in your system or not. You're blessed with the vitamin D for you. StaNFOrD Dick. It's from standing on my head during yoga, which is what you're gonna have to do when your feet get amputated.

We're in a Selena shirt tonight that's ballsy.

Tony, you born in June, Nigga, they made pride month after you. Tony is 39 in human years and 21 in gay years. The only one tasting the rainbow here is you and your skittle addiction.

Are you wearing a Selena shirt, cuz you always get shot with insulin? Oh my god, that's a good one, you. How is New York? New York is great.

You're shaped like a big apple, you should. No one loves. no one loves a trip to the subway more than you. You shaped like Florida big. Get your skid ass up out of here.

What gay kangaroo looking motherfucking?

Yeah, how is New York? What'd you do there? I tore down all the Pride flags, all the Pride flags and all the BLM flags. I'm sick of that shit. Yeah, equal opportunity.

What else has been going on? anything else? Crazy shit, man, you know, just on the road, bro, doing the road like a motherfucker dog. So that's all we can do.

Keep getting better, keep doing the road, absolutely it. indeed, you and Hans have absolutely been killing it all over the road and we talked about this recently. Yeah, you and I. And we have come to the point to where? David's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot-on kill Tony anytime he wants in the future. But this is officially his full-time retirement party right now in front of you guys.

We did it, we set the record for the post roasting between two people. Hey, I've been so wrong. Motherfucking white. Congratulations. what a run you paid on.

Kill Tony. I'm proud of you brothers. Good to be your friend, you know? One of the things that we do in the Austin comedy scene is when one of our tribe has a victory, we all participate and celebrate together.

And what an amazing night. This is right. We have a commitment to make Austin the best comedy town in the entire world. And when Joe built the Mothership, he didn't call it Joe Rogan's comedy mothership, he called it the mothership. Because it belongs to all of us, and we're here to celebrate that, and it's helping us all grow and get somewhere in life.

Come on down and celebrate with us. You guys are great. Thanks for being fans of my brother here. Well, sweet guys, come on, it's wrong. Motherfucking white.

We got this whole party started, we all moved here. Cuz I have to change the scene of comedy globally. One more time Austin's own Ron White, one more time kill Tony legend, David Lucas, everybody.

That's come on, people, David Lucas, everyone.

And like that, one door closes, another one opens all of a sudden. A brand spanking new open spot for for a brand new regular on the show. And we have chosen him. This young man has only had one appearance on the show. And with that appearance, he got booked by me to open for me in two theaters in his home state of Florida. The kid is a phenom. He's all the talk of the little boy room, the smaller room at the mothership, where a lot of his peers literally talk about this guy every night. They're endorsing him.

I'm so excited to see his second minute. Ever. Ladies and gentlemen fans of Kill Tony, I present to you a guy that we're all going to get to meet over a very long period of time. I truly believe this is the future. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody.

So my older brother very racist, and we'd always tell me, Cam, don't you have me on life? Date? No white bitch. You can fuck her, you put your dick in her mouth, you can nut on her face. What y'all to never, and I mean, never date one. And I never understood that because I was only six years old.

So as a child, I was perplexed. That's my first time using that word, sir, and I like it. It. Need confused nigga. I will tell y'all this though. When I was in high school, I dated a white girl and I love that stupid bitch, but I let my whole family down.

I remember they came up to me and she, she was like, she was stupid, she never understood. Black coach, never got black. I had a flat top of high school, I kept a pig in my hair, but she never saw me use the pig.

So I just thought, a pig that was in my hair. And when it came up to me, she was like, Cam, that's an extremely weird place to keep a knife. And I was like, What the fuck, so I stabbed? The motherfucker has arrived. I'm telling you, this guy has street cred to the brim at the mothership.

Two unbelievable performances under your belt on Kill Tony. You are the newest regular on the show.

Well, I'll be a bitch if I cry. No, no, okay, they probably beat you up when you go visit back home, but we won't do that here. And you're originally from Jacksonville, Florida, correct? now from Orlando, Orlando, Orlando.

Okay, all right, represent what's something? Real quick, because we have so much time to interview you. We're gonna do that a lot every single episode from here on out, but just for this one, for the big one. What's something you think we should know about you as we get to know you? What do you think, the 3,000 people in front of you? What's something interesting about you? I'm not retarded.

I just like how they feel, they feel real good. I got this one.

Oh, my bro, that that set was hilarious, but that's somehow better. That was amazing.

Have you always done that? Yeah, I just like the way they feel. They just made me go to sleep. Is it just tsa ever say you can't fly with these rocks? One time I threw one away, now real upset could.

The next time I got it with my other one, that's fucked up. This is the best you got to do. A rock check in like every week. Oh yeah, oh yeah, absolutely cam. I'm so excited about the future.

Dude, I'm pumped. We're gonna keep it moving along. Welcome to the family. This is the future right here. I promise. You can't motherfucking Patterson pam with a k.

Hey, you guys want to do something cool real quick, huh? What do you guys all say? Hello to one of the great friends of the show, the O'Vaughn?

Yeah, good to see you guys this evening. I'm grateful to be in your city, grateful to be welcomed here.

Yeah, congratulations Tony on having one of the most creative shows in the entire world. It is so much fun. thank you brother.

And all of you men at that table. Thank you guys all for just being brave and making something new and awesome here in this awesome city. And grateful to see you guys tonight. Thank you, we love you one of the greats in comedy. Hopefully we're trying. Future Austin resident.

One more time for Theo Vaughn everybody, huh?

All right, wow, okay, I don't know if this person knows this. Balcony. Five Row, J seat 405. Austin Perkins is the next comedian. I hope they got him down already, right?

No, maybe. So we have to wait for Balcony Five.

Oh, that's crazy, all right. While we wait for him, let's keep it moving real quick. Make some noise for Aphrodite, everybody, let's get Aphrodite up here. Oh, okay.

Fuck, I blew it. No, come on, come on, you'll never believe who's next. One more time for Austin Perkins. Everybody, hey, what's up?

Hey, so, during the pandemic, I was hospitalized with a bowel disease that caused my colon to shred itself. Answering the question, What if Kanye's Twitter was my asshole? I had to shit 41 times on my worst day ever. Put that in perspective, all four of these guys shit eight times today. Combine that, add nine. That was me.

It's the Mr. Beast approach to toilet time.

I will say the best part about being in the hospital, all the hot nurses, the worst part uncontrollably shitting myself.

Any attempt at flirting would always end in her saying, Wow, you're really funny. Did you go number two in your bathroom? And I had to be like, mm-hmm. And she would say, I'm gonna go look at it now. It was the worst.

All right, Austin Perkins, Hello, how are you? I'm great, okay, super pumped to be here, Tony.

I thought you have, like, the energies of someone that's lying right now, you feel like a little. If I shook my leg, would that distract away from it? No, you see what I mean.

You hear the noise that they're making. How long you been doing stand-up? Austin About two years, two years, yeah.

Okay, all of it here in Austin, Texas, nope, Jacksonville, Gainesville, Florida, a bit of Orlando. I actually know Cam from Florida.

Wow, incredible. Okay, yeah, you ever trade rocks with him? No, unfortunately not.

What do you do for work? I'm in sales, but I moved to Austin with the dream of starting the Like, a great stand-up comedy show. What's the show? Dunce Cat comedy? I produce it here in town.

But what makes it special? why does it stand out? Oh well, I guess I bring a drummer, I try to book really awesome comedians, I throw stuff into the audience for free. Merch.

Like, what, what do you throw at them? A little ball like ball capsules with like merch items so they can pick them up after the show just to make it fun. What kind of merch?

T-shirts, stickers, little keychains, tchotchke stuff. This show sounds like it sucks, dude, I'm kidding. How's it been going? You able to get an audience there?

Sorry, you able to get an audience? Yeah, yeah, okay.

Just people that free shit and bad jokes. I'm kidding Austin, I'm kidding, Oh, come on, all right.

That's interesting. Austin, What's your living situation? I have an apartment here, you have your own apartment. Well, I'm looking for a roommate right now.

What kind of sales are you in? technology? sales? all right, what exactly in technology are you selling?

I sell software products. We're really not supposed to talk about it, they're a big company. They wouldn't like me saying it, okay.

Yeah, so Google or something, all right, perfect Austin. Do you have any special skills or talents?

Yeah, I was a shit a lot, you shit a lot, like, I shit a lot, I have, like, Crohn's, Ah, okay.

Any other special skills or talents other than the ability to shit a lot because God hates you? I speak German. Okay, can you say? Can you say I'm sorry, Jewish people in German?

No, I can't say that one.

What can you say in German? Ah, servus? It's just like, hello, and I said, Obwaden und tee trinken it's a phrase that means to wait and drink your tea, to just chill out.

Okay, all right, everybody seems to hate you. Austin. This is quite incredible. You're literally the first person to have a bad set tonight.

And I love it. The sound of 3000 disappointed people brings me nothing but joy. To be honest with you, I'm fully erect right now. If you guys ever wondered, Hey, I wonder what Tony's into? This is what I'm into.

Just the struggle of a human that took a chance. You've been doing it two years, Yeah, I've been doing two years. Okay, I can give another joke if you'd like.

What I can give another joke? No, no, no, no, wow.

Don't do that to yourself, son. By the way, I'm no longer erect because I came five seconds ago. That was incredible. One more joke.

The roar, the way this place is built. If they love something, they love it, and if they hate it. Holy shit, dude, Austin, you're showing us a whole side of the show we haven't even seen yet tonight. Let me ask you this.

The room is turning on you. What do you think is a redeemable quality about you? what's something likable that can turn the whole room around right now? You tried, I shit, a lot, that failed miserably.

You didn't really give any details to your job. This room specifically, like in Austin, Texas, that's a bad answer. I grew up. No, no, no.

What are you trying to mouth to me? Are you about to do a joke that has nothing to do with? Okay? No, no, no. I grew up a military brat. So if I come off maybe that you can't trust me. It's because I'm used to moving around a lot.

Oh, it's because you moved around a lot that I didn't like you immediately after your minute. Okay, you know, what? If we're going to boo, let's fucking boo, how loud can we boo this fucking guy?

Boo this man.

Full heel turn by Austin Perkins. I saw it coming from a mile away. Here's a little joke book. You're the first one to get one tonight, Austin Perkins, everybody.

There he goes.

Some people try.

All right, all right, let's do something special, everybody.

We're about to get a minute, you know, when we decided to stream this thing live on Moment House all around the globe? They told us that anything goes. That this show can be completely uncensored. And if something too crazy happens, it wouldn't be allowed on a normal episode. That we could edit it out later, but this is real. So I went to the edgiest, craziest, darkest comedian that I know on planet Earth and asked him if he would be willing to do a minute of his darkest shit on this show.

This guy famous for closing out the main room of the comedy store, a legend of the game, your favorite stand-up comedian's favorite stand-up comedian. You're about to watch the dark force of nature and one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the one and only Brian Holtzman.

Sit the fuck down.

Have you ever seen a woman in a wheelchair blow a rape whistle?

Everything is so woke today. If Helen Keller was alive, she'd probably win Miss America.

It might go something like this, you mean, the deaf bitch one?

The doctor says, fine, have a wait in the room and I'll see you, he said. Come inside, take your pants down, strip down and lean over the fucking counter, and the doctor shoved the fucking thing.

And he got something larger.

His fucking, his whole shit is falling out, do you understand?

Yeah, full time.

Red Band's mother gave me this belt buckle, Hey, what the she is a piece of ass.

Oh my goodness, Brian Holtzman, I mean, it is just unbelievable having you here in Austin, Texas, just like any major league ball team. We needed a real legit, closer, closer dark force of nature. And we got the fucking gunslinger from the comedy store to drive his pickup truck all the way here. Mention the special.

If you want absolutely you plug it in, just type in your computer.

Cancelholtzman.

Com it'll bring you right to my YouTube channel.

How's your gay son doing? How's your gay son? Well, a lot of guys know, Joe knows, and Tom knows, and everybody knows, so everybody knows.

I have a gay son and I'm proud of that boy.

Just because he's got that crazy gene doesn't make.

I'm gonna treat him just like any father treats their son.

He's the best little league ball player on the team. He hits a home run, steals every base and then fucks the weakest player right in the ass.

Some fathers play catch with their son in the backyard on the weekends. I take my son down to the I-5 freeway and let him blow truckers all day.

That's my boy, let him suck your cock.

Goddamn, what a fucking party we're having, huh? Okay, I'm gonna pull another bucket pullout. And while they go track down this person, I have one more special treat to hold us over for a little bit here. You may have heard this lady's name earlier when I thought that someone was coming down from the balcony. But for those of you that have been fans of the show for a long time, you know that I found this little sweet old lady a long time ago. And she has had so many appearances on this show, very interesting.

One of the oldest members of the Kiltonie family and one of the most energetic and likable. Make some noise for Kiltonie legend Aphrodite Everybody.

Coochie-sweezers and breast feeders.

I identify as get the fuck away from me.

You know, I gotta tell you ladies, because you ladies be slipping on your men. Don't be walking around the house looking like you're homeless and shit and wondering why your man's cheating on your ugly ass.

So come you goddamn hair and ladies, get some scissors and cut your goddamn coochie hair down. get them white hairs off your coochie.

Yeah, you look like fucking Bob Wire down there, want somebody to lick your coochie and look like Bob Wire. And shit, men, your ass ain't off the hook yet. You need to get a nut sack, Bazier to put them nuts in your motherfucking bazier.

How old are you, Aphrodite? I'm 67, but my ass is 25. Oh shit, oh shit, look at this. Oh, there it is, folks.

Oh my God, that is unbelievable.

Yeah, wow, and all these young motherfuckers chasing me, my goodness, what a queen.

Unbelievable how you been Aphrodite. I love you. I love you too. Thank you Aphro.

You sweet, sweet thing, I would not know what to do with you. Oh yeah, I simply wouldn't, but my man know what to do with me.

He look like King Kong and shit.

I'm too fat for a skinny man, that's I actually, I agree with you.

I got this weird thing I'm feeling right now, huh? I want to sit on Joe Rogan, You want to sit on Joe Rogan, Oh my goodness.

I don't know, I don't know about that. Aphrodite, No, no, no, no, no, do it, Aphrodite don't.

Oh.

This is incredible.

Wow, this is a legendary moment on the show.

I've always wondered what it would be like. I've always wondered what it would be like if Mario hooked up with Toadstool. This is incredible.

What, all right, get off him, his leg's going to be shaking like the first guy's in a second. I just want to know if Joe Rogan got an EBT card because I love him real more than you know you think Joe might have an EBT card.

He doesn't know what that is, I don't even know what that means.

Aphrodite, leaving her mark on the biggest podcaster in the world.

I'm scared of you, all these white people.

Aphrodite On your many appearances, you've always been one of the most likable, sweetest forces. I love the fact that everybody on this show comes in different shapes and sizes, and we've always nurtured your artistic opportunities, We've always embraced you. She was in a giant sprinter van with us for the kill. Tony Manias We all traveled together up to San Francisco from L..A.

We always had a bunch of fun and you always, at some point, sing a song and bring the house to a fucking chaotic climax. You got anything lined up for us tonight? This is for you, nephew.

Oh shit, she is telling everybody what to do, Aphrodite.

Kill Tony, Yeah, Kill Tony, yeah.

Tony, you may not know this baby, but we love you so.

Kill Tony, that's the show, yeah, tell your friends where to go.