#630 - DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY) + SAM TALLENT

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A bunch of liars.

Very, very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night. Both of these guys are up for guest of the Year, Guest of all time. Two of my favorites. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Dr. Phil and Sam Talent.

Sam Talent, one of the great, brilliant minds of comedy right now. Dr. Phil.

There you go.

Holy shit.

Sam Talent with his podcast Chubby Bohemoth, his book Running the Lights Samtalent.

It's an honor to be here, thank you Tony and Red Band, and, of course, what an honor it is to sit here next to the legend. Dr. Phil, everyone.

Oh, please stop. That's very nice of you. I'm excited to be here. I see a lot of, you know, bad attitudes and guys with cock rings and secrets. This guy's got down syndrome.

I think it's adult onset down syndrome, too.

Adult onset down syndrome. Yeah, that's new, that's one of those. It's like a new variant of Covid.

Well, it's because of the vaccine.

Because of the vaccine, probably did it to him. Yeah, we'll be right back.

You have a funny face.

I can't wait, it's my favorite show in the entire fucking world, so I'm very honored to be here. Yeah, you should clap.

Dr. Phil filling in for one of our favorite guests. Adam Ray couldn't make it here tonight.

Fuck that jew, yeah.

I was relieved, honestly.

Yeah, let me sing another song and buy a hotel for a homeless guy. Fuck off, who fucking cares? Be funny, you fucking poser.

Dr. Phil is here. Adam couldn't make it, but he did want me to plug his special. Adam Ray Live from Portland. It's on YouTube and tickets he's doing massive theaters all around the world. adamraycomedy..com.

Who fucking cares?

It's crazy that guy has a career.

Oh, shit, single mom, I get why his dad left.

Yeah, I know I heard it was because his mom was very loose.

Oh yeah, big, big. They called her loose pussy girl. I'm bad with improv, but they called her loose pussy girl or something in middle school, and it stuck.

We are going to have fucking fun tonight. Sam, you've been on this show, Dr. Phil. We're excited to have you. A lot of these people that get pulled out of this bucket need help.

Let's do it, baby, let's fucking go.

Come on, mother shit.

Make some fucking noise.

We're starting it off with a bang tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I pulled the first name out of the bucket. We go and we get them from the bar next door, where they're all wrangled together. But tonight we start with something very special. For those of you that have been following the show closely, you know that one of our great regulars, Hans Kim, has had a lot of highs and lows in life.

And I thought the prostitute I was going to buy later was going to be the best part of my night. I was sorely mistaken. Well, Red Band was going to buy it. I was going to get sloppy seconds. You know how, you know how he does it.

No, please tell us how he does it.

All right, so every Tuesday I get a text, you know, I'll email you, Tony.

Whoo, So this is one of those weeks now. Hans Kim is five. And oh, all time while being challenged, I mean, he literally is 20 times funnier usually when he's challenged. Let's see how he does this week.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Thank you guys, my name is Hans Kim. I am gender fluid, I am biologically male, but my dad identified me as a pussy.

Yeah, that's enough.

Dr. Phil coming in.

You heard the cat, motherfucker?

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

Lizzo's too fat, right?

Yeah.

Save some cookies for the rest of us. Am I right?

Yes, Dr. Phil.

Sorry, you were saying.

I hate Lizzo.

All right.

I think she's obese.

Yeah, yeah.

You and Lizzo, doctor, you're both always Phil.

Yeah, I respect what Lizzo was trying to do, but she was a little too preachy. She'd post on Instagram like, Hey, watch me get in this hot tub. I was like, Well, I do, got a couple hours to kill.

I usually do a lot of race stuff.

Oh, hell yeah. And what's the best race to put down?

Right now, the Mexicans are really hot, ah.

It didn't seem like you were in a race to get to any punchlines.

It was.

It was, it was at Sam Talon on threads.

It was a shocking amount of light jabs, I would say there was a lot of them. I counted 11, but it was very light, like, bink, bink, bink, bink.

Yeah, I did the Lizzo stuff, we know.

We were here, we were paying attention.

No, we heard it.

You opened up with the words My name is Hans Kim after you came out to a crowd singing This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

That was a strong indication of who was coming out.

I followed the breadcrumbs back to it being Hans Kim.

Frankly, I'm shocked. It's you get the fuck out of here. We'll be right back.

Hans How do you feel about that set?

How do you feel?

I mean, I feel like the audience was sort of like, let's see what you got.

Yeah, and then they were like, we got it.

Now that we know what you have, moving on.

I'll tell you this, though, Hans and I've seen a lot of Asian comedy.

You love Asian comedy, you were telling me that.

You're always a delight, you come out with a pep in your step, okay, and some sort of std brewing. And I know that. Your fame and popularity, as of late, has created a culture of gals that are privy to the Hans Kim experience. Can you share with the audience, my new friends here? What's a recent experience sexually? That might be some material down the line for you on stage?

I took my girlfriend to Las Vegas, we had a lot of hotel sex.

Yeah, does this story get better?

I just started Dr. Phil.

All right, I'm sorry, take your time.

Missionary.

Wow.

Yep, the Black guy likes that response.

James Atkins showing a little favoritism.

That's what it sounds like, yeah.

Who would have guessed that a guy like that likes a white butt?

What a man wearing a hat.

Yeah.

Don't make me laugh, Sam, my mustache is going to fall off.

So there it is, another new minute from Hans Kim. Now let me remind everybody that Hans has done hundreds of minutes on this show.

Yeah, it's really impressive.

Hundreds of new minutes not easy to do, and we're about to see a new minute from your opponent. Hans If you want to put that mic in the mic stand, we're going to bring Hans back out in a second as the audience will decide who had the better minute. One more time for Hans. Kim, everybody.

I guess it's Kung Pao versus chicken tonight.

Goddamn.

It's the oldest I've ever been.

And I feel like I'm getting to that age where my pussy doesn't stay as fresh as it used to. Like, I can't shower in the morning and have 24 hours of freshness. If I don't wash my pussy like I brush my teeth, then my vagina wakes up with morning breath, and there's no mint for that.

They've got creams.

They've got washes and wipes.

I saw some shit the other day that was like a glade plug-in, you just fucking shove it up there.

At the top of every hour, it spritzes out this Japanese cherry blossom scent.

Some of you women don't think this is all that funny.

Man, my pussy doesn't stink.

Shut the fuck up.

Your pussy stinks.

I can see it in your fucking eyes right now.

Thank you, that's my time.

There you go, Jameesha Albo with a brand new minute, the old stinky pussy minute.

Yeah, if I had a dollar Tony for every time I smelled a stinky pussy, I'd have at least four bucks.

I love it, Jameesha welcome.

Hi, thank you, thank you for having me.

Excellent work.

Thank you, Sam.

The Great Sam talent.

Very funny.

Same time, what's going on? This is so great. Thank you for having me.

It is.

I've been doing good, it's been a while since I've been on, thank you, I love it.

I don't even have to host go ahead. Oh, no.

I'm just telling you, what's your Wikipedia page looking like? Oh my god, it's great, very funny.

Have you considered bigger earrings?

I have bigger, but I didn't want to go too big tonight.

You should have gone straight hubcap with it.

Oh my god.

Yeah, player.

Yeah.

Huzzah Black people love hoops.

Okay.

There we go.

TOny HINCHCLiFfe Everybody, that was very fucking funny. You're not laughing the way that joke should be received. That's a Black basketball guy joke, and it's very funny.

Yeah.

That's actually the sound of my rape whistle, So oh.

That's going to entice some cool rapists to show up. Oh yeah.

You know, I like to treat my rapes the same way I get out of quicksand, just lay there and don't struggle. I don't know.

Oh, shit too soon, okay?

How often are you combating quicksand? Not often.

Funny Sam Yeah, is quicksand still even a thing? Oh, yeah, and I know it sounds like a Seinfeld bit, but is it?

It's not, it never went to real. What's the deal with quicksand?

Yeah.

It's not that fast.

You're frowning for hours.

And is it even sand?

Sam, What did I tell you about making me laugh?

I have some spirit gum in my pocket.

No, it's real.

So Hans had a rough set last week. I said that he was going to get challenged. I didn't have a challenger in mind. Specifically, I was drinking after the show at the bar.

Let's fucking go, you asked for it, let's fucking go.

How do you feel like it went? You heard his set? Yeah, we heard yours. How do you feel like you did?

I felt like it went okay, my only goal was to do better than Uncle Lazer, so I feel like I accomplished that.

You did that.

Wow, you did that.

Make some noise for that, everybody.

Yeah.

Oh my goodness.

Thank you.

You definitely did that.

How many times did Uncle Lazer ask to touch your hair?

You know, this could have been Uncle Lazer versus Aunt Jemima, I don't know.

Okay, Jamesha, we got the minute out and now let's bring him back. Here's Hans Kim, everybody. This is the moment that we've been waiting for. 5-0 against challengers.

Three.

Three times total, that was her third new minute on the show. How many of you have Jamesha Albo winning this?

Whoa, it's very loud.

Two and a half years as a regular on this show, hundreds of minutes. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining his throne?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

He did it again 6-0 against challengers, proving that he does better when there's pressure on the line. How about one more time for Jamesha Albo? Everybody there she goes.

Very funny.

Hans Kim You lazy fuck, you put it together only when under pressure.

I won the most efficient way possible, just with the barely beater, so that's...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.

Hans I think that was pretty close, though. At the start of her set, I think me and Tony both looked over and was like, Oh, fuck.

When she opened with that Kung Pao versus chicken, if she would have held that momentum, dude, you'd be fucked right now, you and your rickshaw be heading down 6th Street fucking.

Yeah, you'd be drowning in some rape quicksand. Yeah, remember from earlier? yeah.

Some quick rice?

I thought it was smart of her to open with a funny joke. I thought that was, I think that kind of swayed me a little bit, you know, yeah, and I think the overwhelming, underlying racism of the crowd helped you, Hans.

Thank you for your racism.

Wow, you even did a Hitler thing there, Dan.

That was incredible.

Fucking piece of shit. He went with the left hand, too. Oh my goodness, like he was making a call to Hitler's bullpen.

Yeah.

Wow.

Thanks, Sam, I thought that was pretty good.

It is incredible.

They're all slam dunks, Doc.

Did you do the Hitler thing on purpose just then?

No, I was just harking the audience.

Oh okay. hey hey hey.

Once is funny.

Twice is real baby.

With his eyes that closed, he cannot see what he's doing so.

He's got his own theme song and everything, yeah.

This is it your first name out of the bucket? The show, really, the meat and potatoes of it, starts now. A lot of these people are fucked up. I'm excited that Dr.

I think we've got a real opportunity tonight, Tony, to help some people get better.

Your first bucketful of the night?

Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brian Sullivan. Everybody here we go, dreams are coming true. These people wait all day and night for this.

I hate how inclusion's a thing. not everybody needs to be fucking included in everything. Okay, I got a best friend, his name's Tyree, he's a double amputee.

Sam Talon giving him a hug. This is incredible.

Yes, sir.

Thank God, because if you didn't know him, that would have been weird as fuck.

I know I was like, Am I going to have to suck his dick now?

Great work, Brian. What if you bombed? That would have been a nightmare.

Yeah, I wouldn't have heard the end of it at cookouts with you, oh my God.

I'm always at the cookouts, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

We had to check a box, bro, you always get the invite.

Yeah, I know, yes, golly. What an exciting night.

What are you doing at these barbecues that he's at?

I'm his po.

Yeah, man.

What the hell?

I'm sorry, what the heck I didn't know you were in town, bro. Yes, you did.

By the way, I'd watch six seasons of you guys, just talking back and forth.

Yeah.

This is amazing, you guys both live in Colorado, yes, sir, or Colorado, I guess, for you, my God.

Whoa, come on.

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my fourth year.

Fourth year Do you really have a friend that's a double amputee?

I do, Yes, I do.

Out of you and the double amputee Tyree, who's the better swimmer?

But it's not very stiff competition.

So wait, so you're saying right here and right now that amputees are better swimmers than Black people.

I mean, Tyree's black dude.

Double trouble.

Double trouble.

But he's kind of shaped like a turtle. Yeah, I've seen him in the water.

This is a great thing to have someone who knows the paraplegic you're referring to. It's like a comedy checkpoint here, yeah.

He's a real half man, I've seen him.

You've seen him, You've seen Tyree? Oh yeah, I know Tyree very well.

What does he do?

David Lucas actually roasted the shit out of him on Roast Me that day. I'm looking for him, tell him I'm looking for him.

What does Tyree do? That's a good question, Dr. Phil.

He does comedy.

He does comedy, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

He has a hilarious little motorized device, yeah, and at comedy works, they have to help him get on stage and it's always a hoot.

Yeah, they do, they have a lot of legends there. It's not very handy, it is funny.

Sam's sister gets all drunk and rides, and it kicks him off, and this shit is crazy.

Yeah.

Is that true?

Yes, I have video of it. Yeah, these are all true things. My sister's married to a Black man.

What?

Now, where are you from?

I'm originally from Gaffney, South Carolina. Hell yeah.

Oh, you're claiming South Carolina when you're from Colorado Springs.

Nigga, I live in Colorado Springs.

Thank you for calling me that, yeah.

Yeah, by the way, I've only seen two Black guys call white guys the n-word. And it's always very exciting because I'm always like, What did you ..?

Sam's trying to pretend it didn't make his day.

Yeah, oh, it always does.

I literally thanked you, yeah.

He's going to text me later.

You got good energy, your act outs were fun.

Thanks, man.

I like when you turn sideways.

Yeah.

What'd I look like?

You looked like Tyree if you had legs.

I love that. Brian Sullivan, How do you make a living, Brian?

Yeah, tell them the truth, oh shit.

Oh, shit.

Now this is.

If he was trans, he'd have a Netflix special. What are you talking about?

I'm not touching that, all right, no, I'm a contract renewal specialist for a software company.

Oh, wow.

Okay, what do you really do? huh? what do you really do?

I work from home as a contract renewal specialist.

I don't think I like your fucking attitude, Brian.

Come on, man, Black people can't be in software nigga.

What the fuck? No, they can, they can. You're right now, let me ask you.

I wanted to be a rapper.

That's what I'm saying, whoa?

Have you ever rapped? Do you know how to do it?

No, yeah, you do, yeah, you do.

You're black, you're black, you know what to do? Come on, give me a little beat here.

Come on there you go, just do it. Hey hey hey hey hey hey.

Come on, white people, where you at now.

Come on, white people.

Where you at now? That's all I know.

That's all I got.

That's a little diddly called, come on, white people.

You can find it on iTunes Number One.

Wait, that's all you got, really. No clever rhymes or schemes, or.

No dancing.

No, yeah, at least you're the running man.

Look, man.

Come on.

Oh my god.

That's right, that's right.

Dr. Phil is out of control and I love it.

Holy shit.

Oh boy, he said, My dog.

Not as good as the n-word, but I'll take it.

Yeah, I don't know you like that, you know what I'm saying?

Okay, I'll hit you up on Facebook, baby.

You're the reason for bad, baby.

Very funny, very funny.

It's funny because Tyree can only do the worm.

It's also funny.

Shout out to my boy, Tyree, I hope he's watching.

He would kill to do the running man.

We'll be right back.

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Let's go.

Absolutely, I just killed a woman.

I'm here tomorrow, we're doing Cap City with David Borey.

Let's go, David's hilarious, great.

You're leaving here with a brand new, handcrafted by Bones Eye Killer Fucking Texas leather joke book.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

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Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Here we go, we're just going to keep it fucking moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Chaddo, Everybody, Chaddo.

What's up, everybody? A little bit about me? I've been happily married for six months. Yeah, thank you. In total, it's been 24 long fucking years, though.

All right, Chaddo.

I fucking love CVs.

Yeah, me too.

My man immediately connected.

I think people would assume that Chaddo and I are actually friends.

We could be.

I don't think so, oh, damn.

I'll buy a drink, I mean, I got a car, we can drive to gigs, I don't know.

Wow, I have a car.

That seems to be a popular thing about comedians. Most of them don't have cars.

Most of the ones you hang out with Chaddo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, maybe we should call Adam Ray and see if he'll buy you a car. You fucking loser, what a fucking piece of shit.

Chaddo, welcome to the show. This is your first time.

First time 63 sign-ups. I believe in a row. Holy shit, look at that.

That deserves a round of applause.

Amazing.

You gotta stay patient, that's what I always say, Stay patient, stay the course right. And look like you run a chain of Applebee's, you know, exactly, yeah.

It is true you look like if the lead singer of Creed didn't believe in God.

Can you take me lower?

I'm good at that.

You know who else has his arms wide open? Tyree, All right, because that's the only limb that he has, you remember, Tyree?

No, we got it, we got it.

Chaddo, How long you been doing stand-up?

So my plan was.

Oh, here we go.

I wanted to meet my first time on Kill Tony with that first set 63 times ago.

Wow.

I didn't do stand-up before, then, I signed up for three weeks in a row. I said, fuck it, I'm gonna start doing comedy up the creek, in the cave I went down there.

Wow, 15 mics a week.

Hustling baby, catch me inside doing stand-up comedy.

I'm surprised you made it that long. Thank you, thank you.

I gotta be honest, I was having many, multiple panic attacks, trying not to reference that twat in some fashion.

So chaddo. For a child, she had enormous breasts.

Yeah, she was.

I like this one.

Whoa, that's a bad mom over there.

Bad mom, welcome back to shitty parent.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

I don't know what the question was going to be.

Yeah, I don't know, I just.

You got nervous, didn't you, doc?

Yeah, sometimes I don't know this guy, haven't we. Didn't I buy like drugs from you at some point?

I think so you like mushrooms?

I do like mushrooms.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's talk about it, Chaddo. What do you do for work?

I own a cannabis college.

You own a cannabis college. Explain to everybody what the fuck that is.

So I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry. Like how to recommend what to certain patients, like Indica sativa hybrids, for what patients like edibles. How to dab. I teach you how to do everything to work in a cannabis dispensary.

What do you do after the first hour?

Yeah, we smoke a lot of weed that first hour. Yeah, yeah.

A cannabis college to differentiate indica and sativa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just to make sure you understand the differences, you know. But also there's so many things to recommend to people like Chadd or diamonds, you know, there's a lot of sauces and all sorts of things.

And this is a college. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should not be accredited, sir.

Not many university presidents wear a duff t-shirt.

You look like a guy that likes to fuck chicks with implant scars. I like that, yeah.

He does. How old are your kids?

All right, not everything is going to be a home run.