#649 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + YANNIS PAPPAS

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Doesn't get much more fun than this.

Two of the best comedians on planet Earth.

Ladies and gentlemen, how exciting.

From some of your favorite movies, from some of your favorite podcasts,

from some of your favorite stand-up fucking everything.

We got it all here tonight as I present to you the great and powerful

Harlan Williams and Giannis Papas, everybody.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Harlan motherfucking Williams.

Giannis Papas back in the mix.

Giannis.

Welcome, Giannis. Pull out your cell phone.

You got some networking to do while you're here.

You son of a bitch.

Harlan Williams, first time on the show.

We wanted him for ten and a half years.

We got him here tonight.

Just for the record, first and last.

Give me a hand.

Last time on the show.

Can I say something real quick before we introduce Giannis Papas?

Because I want to say it's a special night for me here tonight.

My little sister, about three weeks ago, my father, he has anger issues.

And he threw a boiling pot of cauliflower cheddar soup in her face.

And she had third-degree burns.

And I want to say tonight, not only am I doing this, but she's out of the hospital, gang.

Yeah, look at that.

Cauliflower cheese soup.

Party time. That's a reason to celebrate.

Giannis, how's your sister doing?

I don't have one. She's okay.

But my brother has special needs, and he still special needs.

I love it.

That's also something to be.

What kind of special needs is he?

He has a brain injury from birth.

So it's hilarious. It's real funny.

Nothing a good cauliflower soup couldn't cure.

You can't fix those burns that he has. They're there forever.

They're on the inside.

Well, yeah, they're on the inside.

Yep. There's no cauliflower soup in the world that's going to help that one.

Tell that to Freddy Krueger. Look at that guy.

His face looks like someone boiled a nut bag on a holiday in Radiator.

We're going to have fun tonight.

Giannis has done this show a few times.

Harland, it's your first time.

Other than a few regulars that write and perform a new minute every week,

we have a bucket absolutely filled with comedians' names.

They're hoping to get the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage here tonight.

And if I pull their name out, they get that.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And that just interrupts them.

And we start an interview process.

I ask them a bunch of questions.

And then we do whatever we want. We have some fun.

If you have any fat comedians,

maybe you might want to change this up and get a bucket of chicken.

Hello.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about that.

And there are a lot of fat comedians.

You're going to see them here tonight.

No doubt about it.

But before we get to our first bucket pool of the night,

I think it's only right that we start the show the way that we always have,

ladies and gentlemen.

This man coming off of an excruciatingly controversial fucking

unbelievably controversial victory in an arena

to reclaim his position as a regular.

He won.

A lot of people are up in arms about it.

But we love him. We do.

We fucking love him with all of our hearts.

We raised him right here like a little pup.

He moved from his van to being an all-around wild success.

You guys know the words?

This is hot skim.

This is hot skim.

Make some noise for hot skim.

This is hot skim.

This is hot skim.

This is hot skim.

This is hot skim.

Thank you.

It's good to be here.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me.

I guess she was a Rick Diaz fan.

Yeah, she broke up with me.

Don't worry.

It's been about a week since she's broken up with me,

and I've had sex seven times already.

Hell yeah, bro.

It was with her all seven times.

We were both going through a breakup at the time.

A lot of people nowadays are into Californication.

I'm more a fan of Louisiana.

Thank you.

Black people, if you don't start being nice to me,

I'm going to start messing up every handshake I do with you.

All right, thank you.

Hans Kim coming back strong.

60 seconds.

Does it every week.

Right back at it.

It's all happening.

A great set.

This is true.

Your girlfriend really broke up with you.

Yes.

What was the context of this breakup?

I actually broke up with her.

I should have done that before the arena.

Damn, that was a good set.

Fuck.

I felt like she was very beautiful,

and she's not used to being told no,

and I'm not used to saying no,

so I would just go hang out with her all the time,

and I didn't have time for my life

and my podcast that I have.

You didn't have time for that?

Honey, I got to do this thing for an hour once a week.

I don't know if this is going to work.

You know the thing with no script

where I just sit down with a friend in my underwear?

I don't know if I have time to do that.

That is why you broke up with her,

but it doesn't seem like you guys

have seven times in one week.

It's a lot for a normal couple.

We know that you have a wild sex addiction.

Yeah, it's really helped our sex lives,

this breakup.

I've just been going over every night

making sure that she's taking the breakup okay.

I've been there so many times.

It really brought us together.

Did you ever make her chant your theme song

before you fucked?

That would be great.

I'm sorry, for you it's more of a...

Just from the porn, I assume.

Absolutely, absolutely.

I have a short radius there of action.

Not large pumps at all.

Small pumps, correct Hans?

Small pumps with tender care in each one.

That's right.

That's right.

If I could add something to this,

because I like to mentor

young up and comers.

The bit about when you

just said your girl broke up

with you,

take it or leave it, but what I would do

is I would tag that up and then

a little later on in the set do a callback.

That's just from me to you.

And you can fuck off.

Your biggest laugh

through the set, Hans,

acknowledging the Rick Diaz

saga, which I loved.

You didn't even do that in the arena

while battling him, which I thought

you would have done,

but you acknowledged it during your set.

You got a huge laugh, because everybody knows

about that. When they think of you, they think of him,

they think about that, and you

acknowledge it. Here is our

first time

seeing you and working

with you since then. How do you feel

about everything? Oh, I feel just great

about it.

What a great experience for me.

Let it out. Talk to the people about it.

Look at them. Well, you guys, I'm sorry

that I underperformed

at the arena. Oh, thank you, sir.

This guy is obviously

a huge fan of mine.

But yes,

please get on Reddit. Do you have a Reddit account?

All my fans

don't have Reddit accounts.

Well, maybe they

should learn to read.

It was

extremely controversial,

Hans.

You won

that we let the fans decide,

and there was a

ridiculously much louder response

from you. 100%

of the people that were in the arena

know that.

But it seems as though

you went online and said that

you felt like you have unfinished business

with Rick.

I'd like to challenge

him comedically.

I'd like to have a laugh off

like a man.

Yeah, I'd love to challenge him again.

The crowd cheered for me, and then it seems like

they changed their mind

immediately when they got home.

And you said you wanted to do it at the LA

Forum. Yeah, why not?

It's a cool arena. I love that.

I love that.

And did he respond to you?

I'm sure he did.

Probably something snarky and mean.

Oh, wow.

Oh, shit.

Power outage. It's freezing here.

It's freezing.

Oh

my

God.

What?

Oh my

God. They're having

a middle finger off right now,

ladies and gentlemen.

How many of you think Rick has the better

middle finger?

How many of you think Hans has the

better middle finger?

It's happened again.

It has happened again.

Okay, okay, okay.

Welcome.

Where'd you hide this guy?

Any closet ever?

Rick Diaz,

a natural

entertainer, former

golden ticket winner.

Hans has

challenged you

to the LA Forum

to another battle. How do you feel

about this?

Is this mic plugged into everything?

Hans, share the mic. Be a nice guy, Hans.

No.

What's the question

again?

The question

is

what do you think about

Hans re-challenging you at the Forum?

I mean,

I find it interesting

that a winner of a competition

challenges a loser.

Yeah, yeah.

You know.

It's a little unheard of

in sporting history,

but...

Here's the way I look at it.

Is that, you know,

is that

when the UFC,

sometimes it goes to a decision.

Sometimes it goes to the judge's scorecard.

I feel like Hans wants to deliver

a clean knockout blow

and I could kind of

see why he would do that.

Rick?

Yeah, he failed the first time.

But you can admit that the crowd

was louder for Hans. You were there.

I was there. The crowd was louder

for Hans.

And I admit that. And I respect the Kiltoni crowd.

Absolutely.

And I love the show and I love the

challenge as it happened.

But...

Sure, buddy.

Oh, shit.

Wow, these are tough words

coming from Orville Redenbacher.

Let me finish.

Let me finish.

Orville Redenbacher

and Where's Waldo's

Bastard Rape Child.

I'm still trying to find myself.

It's kind of annoying.

Well, why don't you start

with finding your chin.

How about that?

I can say that

because I don't have one either.

So maybe later me and you can get together

and do some Adelapums

in the alley there.

Not having a chin is why he couldn't

knock me out.

Hey, I like that.

Absolutely.

I feel like this is a quarrel

between roommates at MIT

or something like that.

That's what it looks like.

It is.

Yeah, we scaled up the jerk-off session

so it's nice.

This is

an incredible rivalry

that we have.

We've had a lot of time

since that battle to absorb

everything that's happened.

I've thought about it.

The audience being

the only vote in that

contest was very controversial.

So I think the next one

we do three minutes

instead of one at the forum.

And I think that

me, Red Band,

and the two judges, or the two

guests, each get a vote

and the audience also

gets to vote. So it's five

votes. Do the guests get a vote?

Yeah. Oh, a very

big part of your plan

here to win over the guests.

You mean, I didn't have any

plan to win over

the guests, just the guests said I won

last time. I did nothing.

But say jokes. That's not

on me. That's on the guests.

They gave their opinion that you won.

I like both of your styles.

Hans is a veteran of the show.

Gets very angry anytime your name is

brought up. The rivalry

is real.

Hans, I'm sorry to scare you.

It was my idea to put glow-in-the-dark

tape on the stage and have him come

out during your interview.

Some things are planned

and some things aren't.

That's just my own entertainment.

Hans, how do you feel about

this new arrangement? Three minutes.

It's a longer fight. Five judges.

Do you feel good about it?

I'm going to have to do a minute

every week up until then?

Yeah, it doesn't seem fair.

People don't

give you credit for the minutes that you do.

Just call Amy Schumer and ask her writers

to help you out.

She's not going to cast me in her fucking movie.

I don't care.

What about...

What's wrong with one minute?

That's a good point.

Would you prefer one minute or three minutes?

I'll let you fuckers decide.

One minute is a great format for me.

For sure I love one minute.

I feel like three minutes favors him.

It does.

Hans hasn't fucked as much as you.

That's how he writes longer jokes.

I understand that.

Do you want to do three minutes?

Hans just literally goes,

let's do three minutes.

That was like a baby.

I would say that

I would be ready to do a minute a week

easy and do three minutes in May.

Don't forget, my friend,

you have one advantage over him.

You've got Benjamin Franklin eyes.

That is true.

I also have puppy eyes.

Well, not really.

Maybe if it was hit by a car.

You also have eyes.

That is true.

Hans doesn't have very much eyes.

Yeah, it's making this teardown

very difficult.

Yeah, absolutely.

So it's official.

Three minutes versus three minutes.

Five judges.

We agreed on one minute.

Okay, so is it one minute or three minutes?

I thought he wasn't allowed on the show.

I thought he wasn't allowed on the show.

This is true.

He's not performing.

He's not doing a minute right now.

This is literally

us acknowledging.

If you put your Rolex up for grabs,

I'll let you do three minutes.

Whoa, the famous Hans Kim Rolex.

What will you put up for grabs?

Your health care?

I already put

my golden ticket on the line.

And you lost it, so I can't take it away again.

Okay.

Are you willing to put something up on the line?

Rick, do you have anything that means something to you?

Hans' Rolex isn't just a Rolex.

It was a gift from Joe Rogan.

He challenged me.

He challenged me.

I already won.

No, you didn't win. You lost.

It's adorable that you keep saying that.

I don't say that. People keep telling him that.

Yeah, like 2,000 Redditors told you that.

I hear you.

And thousands of YouTube comments

and Shane Gillicks and Matt McCusker.

Shane Gillicks.

Shane Gillicks.

I have the accent I have, good sir.

I have the accent I have.

When exactly did you get bit by a vampire?

I'm so confused.

It's unbelievable.

Back in the 1800s.

Where I came out from.

I don't know what you're worried about.

You can win every time as long as you do turtle jokes.

I look like an uncircumcised turtle.

Well, I wasn't going to say it.

Hans is stealing D-Madness' microphone.

Uh-oh.

Fuck Rick Diaz.

So it's on.

At the Forum. One minute or three.