"Larry David"

Hi, this is Larry David. I've been asked to say that I'm going to be on the show later, so I'm complying with that request. Yeah. Welcome to, um, what is this? I don't even know what I'm on here.

Love.

Hi, everybody, Jason, I love that you're still here in town. I didn't know you were going to be here. I know. Look at you.

I am working remotely this week. Yes. From Los Angeles. Wonderful. Where it's got New York weather today.

I know. That's a nice rain.

Warring rain.

Do you guys like weather or do you, you, you, you love the Southern California?

Hey man, I'm not, uh, I'm not single. So I don't know where this is going.

Hey guys, what's your favorite season?

Hey, do you like weather? Come over here for real quick. Can I talk to you for a second?

Um, yeah, it's nice. The way I prefer it. Well, cause it's very Chicago-y.

Yeah. But you would like 75 and breezy 365 days of the year?

No. Yeah. I don't, I don't like the heat, so that's an issue.

I don't mind it.

But you wouldn't mind some snow and some rain, would you?

I'm not, that's what I'm saying. I actually enjoy it.

I think I've told you this before. I live in such a snow, I grew up in such a snow, uh, snowy, well, not really that snowy, but, but cold to the extent that this morning, dropping the kids to the bus and it was raining and stuff. And I saw this one.

Isn't that great, Sean, how he just takes them just to the bus stop. Can't take them all the way to school. Like some of us.

Well, I don't live in the Valley. So, uh, so anyway, uh, I see, I see. I see a road that's going up off Beverly Glen, like really steep little side road. And I think my first, and I had this in my old house, like, boy, man, it's gonna be tough when it gets icy. It doesn't get icy.

No. Oh, so your brain just immediately, huh?

My old house, when I was going to buy it, I thought like, fuck, how am I going to get up this thing when it ices? And then like, oh, it doesn't get icy.

Never ice, Sean.

Well, that's incredible.

I know. By the way, sir, go ahead, Sean. You were going to say something, but I was just going to say, cause I realized, as I'm talking, I did one of those, another mistake. I got one of those emails and it had the thing there and had like reviews buried in the email. I open it up and then it has, like a couple about the podcast.

Yeah. But he's implying that he would gladly pay a little bit to shut you up a lot.

I guess so. And, or it made him so mad, this thing he's getting for free that he went online and typed out a message, gave the podcast one star.

He's got time.

But Willie, don't read that. You always read those.

Well, I do it for you guys. I'm out here. You want me on that wall. You know, you need me on that wall.

But it's a specific subset of our listeners that actually take the time to write, uh, something, something not so nice.

Yeah.

And like, is it a full representation of our audience or no, I don't know.

I know it was very, it was very hostile.

Yeah.

We take it under advisement. So I'm going to shut up.

I wanted to tell you that, but what he's saying is he, he, he likes you at an eight, he'd love you at a five.

No, no, no. He wants me at a zero.

I love that. You're just like, then just don't listen. I get it. Um, I, uh, was chatting with Will very briefly this morning.

Um, you guys talk before we talk? Not usually you guys running over bits. Okay. So listen, so you set me up with, and I text her and Jay, I texted you a lot, a.

lot less. I was like, I think I reached my text limit with Jason last night, last night or two nights ago.

Wait, let me look here. I don't see any texts from you.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't see any texts from you. Oh wait.

No, we, we were texting back and forth.

No, that wasn't a lot.

Yeah.

Um, but you hear about Scotty shot or Will? Sorry.

No, no.

Oh yeah. It's not working out. Scotty's. Scotty's out guys.

Almost eight, 18 years. Yeah, yeah.

So Sean is, um, I'm trying to figure out what to do with the weekend to take.

full advantage of his tech avail LA. Yeah.

He's just ordered a box of glow sticks from Amazon for the weekend.

No, I wanted to tell you, so. I was eating breakfast. I walked past the bathroom, and this is the craziest thing. Scotty loves peanut butter.

When is, why is my sound going out?

Oh, can you hear?

Oh, there we go. Okay. Go ahead.

Hang on a second. But you're sorry. Let me remind you where you were. So Scotty loves peanut butter. Go ahead.

Absolutely.

Did you guys find each other on the PB and J, uh, freak site?

Could you imagine a PB and J spread a little of you on me like a food dating site?

We could make a video. The two of us together would make a great meal.

By the way, it's not supposed to be a dating site.

Just a culinary site.

Turned into a, they got married. They got married at the Jif headquarters.

So here we go. Here we go.

Okay. This is funny.

This is funny.

Actually, I'm in a Jif.

I do, like Scotty, loves people.

I'd love to see a taste test between Jif and Skippy. Sorry.

Go ahead. Let's do it. When his blood sugar is low. Okay. Cause he's got diabetes.

Boy, I remember when, yeah, I remember when I was a kid, that was the only place to get privacy and I would do different things in the bathroom than sneak peanut butter.

He has a, he really, truly brought the jar of peanut butter.

But you know what? Both you and Scotty have the same, you end up with the same result, right?

You both finish, full release. Odd and funny. Guys, it was, it's definitely, here's somebody who's funny, but not odd.

Hmm.

How about that?

Not great, but go ahead.

He's a very talented pal, uh, of mine. He's had more success than the three of us combined. Like many comedians, he's got standup and Saturday night live on his resume. But before making his mark on the comedy zeitgeist of the last half century, he got his bachelor's degree in history, worked as a private chauffeur with the uniform and everything, and was selling bras at wholesale. Things took a major turn for him in 1988, when he started to work on a little pilot called the Seinfeld Chronicles.

Larry.

He's already bored.

He's already bored. How about 15 minutes?

It definitely comes out of your time. So that's a good thing. You're only going to be with us for another 45 minutes, but here's the sad part.

By the way, the dog thing. I love when the dogs are out of the house so I can have a meal and relax.

That's what I'm saying.

You can't, you can't eat with them.

That's what I'm saying.

That's your fault probably, or Ashley's, right? You fed them and now they don't forget that.

No, she started feeding them from the table. It's all her fault. Yeah. I, I, I gave her a dirty look, but she did it. And now.

Once you make her, make her eat outside with the dogs. I'll teach her and she'll never do it again.

I'm telling you, I take snacks into my bathroom. I do.

Right. Because of the dogs? Yeah.

Because of the dogs.

That's what I'm saying. So somebody, yeah, you can relate.

Larry, I'm so glad you're finally here. Did we just, we just finally made your deal. It took so long.

I know. What do you mean?

God, your business affairs was just, I guess, was your agent just beating us up?

What are you, what are you involved in business affairs?

We're kidding. This is all free.

You're not getting paid for this.

He was joking. By the way.

I get that a lot. A lot of surprise. Oh, sorry. It was humor.

What the fuck? Can we talk about Sean's appearance on Curb this year?

Wow. It was going to get there.

I haven't seen it yet. Has it been on? If we have to. All right. So, so, speaking of making deals, you made a Sean Hayes deal and got him on the show.

Yeah.

And? And?

He's a long time coming.

Do you have notes?

Be fucking real. Be honest.

Larry, be honest. Yeah. Be honest.

I'm going to be as honest as I can.

Yeah.

He, he was fantastic.

I don't know.

I don't get it.

Really? I'll bet he was just fine. Really?

Listen, he was, no, fantastic. He played, he played a lawyer and you believe every, you believe this guy was a lawyer and he did, he had to do a scene where he wakes up in the morning, it was like Gene Hackman from the French connection, the acting, the acting display of him getting up in the morning, the whole deal. I was like, I was my, my mouth dropped. I was in awe of it.

It was incredible. I added, wiping my eyes. Just real.

Wiping your eyes.

Real Gene Hackman.

Did you start with a.

Yeah, a little bit, a little bit.

Which Sean, Sean has the worst sleep hygiene, I imagine, of the four of us here. So that must've, you had to dig deep. Did you study people sleeping? How'd you do it, Sean?

I watched hours of tape of just people sleeping.

People without, that weren't wearing the mask, right?

Lair, but that was one of the, I don't know. Curb has been one of my favorite shows forever and ever. And I loved being on it. I was honored to be asked. I was honored to do it with you, and on the last season, nonetheless.

Yeah.

Will, did you ever get on that show?

No, I was never asked.

Yeah, me neither.

Oh boy. Not once. Oh boy.

Larry said to me, Larry, do you remember this? Like about a year ago, I ran into you and Larry said, Hey, you should be on the show.

He said, how come you, he did.

And he goes, how come you, he goes, how come you were never on curb? I said, first of all, I said, well, cause I think I'm too tall. And then I said, and then, and then I said, it's your show. You never asked me. That's why it's the primary.

Yeah.

You know, it is true. Just about everybody in Hollywood has either been on that show, or law and order. And, and, uh, not us.

Although, Willie, you've done a lot in order, but I would say this now, now I take pride in the fact that I wasn't, now it makes it more, I'm an exclusive club. I'm like the Marty Scorsese of never winning the best, uh, Oscar for directing with regards to Susan Lucci.

Sure. Well, it does sound like, I will say it does sound like a. really, from what I've heard from my friends that have been on the show, that it's like one of the greatest experiences. Uh, it's like up there with like Saturday night live. Like.

And I think it's, I think it's the improvising actors really love to.

improvise, but I'll bet you've had some that have been like, forget it. I will sink in that atmosphere. Do not, I'm not coming on.

Yes. Not many, but there have been a few who, who really couldn't, uh, had a tough time.

What do you do about those who say, oh yeah, great. No, I love improvising. And they come on and they're just horrendous. What do you, what, how do you, who has a conversation with them, you or the director?

What you mean? It's somebody who we've asked to do it, to do it.

And they clearly are way over their skis. with improvisation. Do you, do you do a, okay, guys, let's take a quick five.

It's only, it's only happened. It's only happened a couple of times in the, um, in the show, where. People were trying to be funny.

Right, right, right.

And that's like the worst thing you could ever do.

And that's a hard note to give. What, what does that sound like? Do you, do you pull that aside?

Don't I, uh, here's the note.

Yeah.

Don't try to be funny.

That's shit. Wow.

Yeah. Don't do it.

What, what, what have your great cast members, the fantastic, the incredible Vince Vaughn, who I just think the world of, he gave me a great, a great note once when I was trying to improvise, doing a, uh, a job with him. We've done a couple of movies together. He was doing something genius. And then I said something and he just stopped. He just looked at me.

The improv was out of character. Yeah.

It was Vince saying to Jason, shut your mouth and let me do my thing. And it was a good note. Yeah.

What a gut punch.

Yeah. But Larry, thanks for being here today. Hey, Larry.

Sure.

Wait a second, Sean, do you have an agenda? you're trying to get to?

No, I just want to ask him a question.

I haven't even gotten to the point yet that I, that I feel so bummed out that I, yeah, cause I would have, I would have loved that environment so much.

And Larry, it's not over.

It's not over, Larry.

Yeah. Welcome to our show. Yeah.

Um, how do you feel?

Um, before I ever do anything, any show ever, I always regret that I said, yes. And I feel that way today.

I'm not going to regret saying, no, but it's the other side of that.

By the time we're done, I hope or not.

But are you good about saying no? Or do you, are you terrible? Do you say yes? Cause you don't want to, you don't want to displease people.

No. I'm, I'm good about saying no.

Yeah. Good. That's a great quality. That's good. I mean, what, what will, we had a friend who told us once, look, if you don't want to do it tomorrow, right.

Yeah.

And a few months, you know, and you're like, sure. Yeah. No, the better thing. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, say no today. Yeah.

Larry, let's, can we, can we go back, Sean? Can I, can I grab the reins here for a second?

Sure, sure, yeah.

And just ask you, I kind of want to, I know that you were a stand-up back in New York, but you started sort of as a stand-up, right? And I know this from, I got kind of a history of you through our mutual friend, Jim Valli, the great Jim Valli, who I adore.

The great Jim Valli.

He lived in my building.

And he lived in your building. In New York. I remember him telling you stories about him. Wait, really? Yeah.

Right.

What was that like, being a stand-up back then? Like, what was your kind of, what were your ambitions when you were doing that? back in those days, living in Manhattan Plaza and being a, did you want to be the world's greatest stand-up, or did you want to just-?

I did want to, I wanted to be a great stand-up.

Yeah.

I wasn't, but I wanted to be one. Yeah. And I really would have settled if you had told me in 19, 1987, and you offered me $200 a week to do stand-up in New York at the clubs, $200 a week for the rest of your life, I would have taken it. Wow. Oh boy.

Wow.

Wow. I was, we have an offer for you.

I had. no, I had no hopes to do anything.

Well, what about, but you said, Sean said in the intro that you studied history. To be a professor? No.

No, no, just to, just to get out of college.

And that was, that. was world history or American history?

Both.

Will loves himself some world history.

I took history, I dropped out of college, but I was a history major and I love history. I read mainly.

Yeah, I had. no, I wasn't, I wasn't gonna, I wasn't interested in show business.

Right.

Really?

Yeah.

But, but dad, parents, by Jewish, by the way, both sides, or just your father?

It's a both. Yeah.

It's both. And, and grew up.

You sound so disappointed.

I know.

I, I, you know, if you, if you would have split it up, I don't think it would have been the worst thing in the world.

So were either one, were either one of them particularly funny, or funny enough for you to feel like, oh, maybe I'll be a standup. I got it kind of in my genes.

No.

No. Yeah.

No. My, my mother was funny without trying to be funny, without realizing she was being funny.

Right.

She had a kind of a Gracie Allen quality about her. In fact, my friends called my mother Gracie, but it wasn't purposeful. Right. She, she wasn't cracking whys.

Right. And we will be right back.

After college, you were in the army reserve?

Yeah. Cause Vietnam was going on. I didn't want to go, you know, I didn't want to go and I signed up for the reserves.

and so I never got, never got drafted.

No, I never got drafted, but I got out of the reserves after two years with a psychiatric discharge.

Oh, let's hear more about that.

Yeah.

Oh, I, I, I told this, I told this, I think, on Howard Stern, it's kind of a long story, but should I make a long story short?

No, you can, we have a 45 times and a completely different audience.

Yeah.

So good.

Work the clock, Larry.

Tell us.

And, by the way, just make, just make it up anyway. We're not going to check.

No, I was, I was in the army, the reserves. I went to basic training. It was horrendous. It was the worst experience of my life. Yeah.

What?

And then we had to, yeah, it's a, well, you have to fill up the, the tanks with, with gas. Somebody has to do it. So then, then, after I got out, I had to go to meetings once a month at the Floyd Bennett Field, a big airplane hangar, and it was freezing and I had to go home and I stayed at, at my apartment, at my parents' apartment in Brooklyn. I stayed with them for Saturday, Friday night and Saturday night, and then I'd go home back to New York on Sunday. And, but the meetings were Saturday and Sunday.

You've got to, stop there. How do you convince him? you're insane? What was your, what was your flavor?

My flavor was, I wanted to kill myself.

Okay. So you, you went in there and you, you, really tried to be convincingly.

Yeah, I was, I had suicidal, suicidal ruminations.

What was it you were trying to get rid of? What were you trying to avoid?

Life was just too hard.

Were you able to make yourself cry?

I was able to act. I was able to act.

Yeah. Yeah. You can see it on Max right now. Yeah.

I think, I think I could have, I think I could have fooled, I don't know if I fooled him. Right. Because, because everybody was acting for him. But I, when I went to the meeting, armed with the letter.

Sure.

Now I'm really acting insane.

Yeah.

Right. And these people who knew me.

Yeah.

For two years. Cause I went off into the corner. I was huddled by, I was, I was by myself. I was looking around, acting crazy. And I said.

Rocking back and forth a little bit. Good, good, good. Still rolling.

Where, where, where's, where's the major? I got, I got, where's the major? I need to talk to the major. Where's the major? Yeah.

Cause you're nuts.

What, like what was going on with me? And then I went to see the major and I gave him the letter, and he read the letter, and I'm sitting across from him, acting as nutty as a fruitcake. And.

You should have chewed off a corner of the letter.

Well, he had the letter. He read the letter. He asked me a couple of questions after the letter. And then he said to me, can you drive home?

Yeah.

Perfect.

You knew you'd done it. I knew I had him. I said, I said, oh yeah, yeah. I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver.

Wow.

That's crazy. Wow.

Now, you don't, you're not, you're not old enough to go to Vietnam.

I tell you what, we could have used some of that kind of ingenuity in Vietnam. No, I'm just saying, we could have used people. Yeah, country could have used it, Larry.

I'm sure I could have made a contribution in some way.

Yeah, but look at the contribution you ended up making here. Wonderful, Larry.

But, Larry, now that you're on, now that you're here on this little smart list thing, and we didn't get a chance to really go deep on the set when I was working with you on Curve. Like, I always want to ask, I wanted to ask you the questions those days that we worked together, but I was too embarrassed. Like, I know you're probably sick of talking about it, but, Seinfeld, how, I've always wondered, how did you and Jerry even meet? And how did that happen? Because when you make a TV show, it's so rare that the talent and the writers or the showrunners, that everything kind of hooks up and everybody has the same sensibility.

We were both comedians in New York.

So you knew each other.

So we knew each other in New York.

Had you written like a half hour script before?

No.

No.

That's why it's so damn good. It's just so different in form.

But did you, so? when you get into that, started writing that half hour multicam format.

Wait a second, wait a second. I did write one half hour, I did write a half hour. pilot for Gilbert Gottfried.

No kidding.

Yeah, that was filmed and they didn't pick it up. That was for HBO.

Was it also sort of changing the format a bit? No?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, they didn't like it.

So. But I love that Seinfeld.

Sorry, Willie.

Well, I was just gonna say, so, I kind of want to get into this half hour format. So you do multicam, but the way that you do, Seinfeld, it's not like traditional multicam, because you have, right, you would, well, at least initially, you kind of would go back and forth to Jerry doing his standup, and then you guys kind of fine tune. that, as you went, is my recollection, I guess.

Right.

But then.

The premise of the show, the premise of the show initially, was how does a comedian get his material? Right. So we would go through an episode and you would see whatever happened to him on the show, he would turn into material. Yeah. That was like the idea.

And then what, like after the first year, you guys tossed that, right?

Not, I don't think after the first year, I think it was a couple of years.

And then you just kind of moved it to the end. Yeah, right. But did you, again, sort of, I don't want to get too in the weeds on the format.

No, go in the weeds. You can go.

But we're already in the weeds. Did you enjoy, did you, I don't know, was it difficult for you writing in that format? Was it a format that you liked or that you had to get used to, or that you rebelled against?

No, I was okay with it. I didn't mind it at all. At one point I said to him, I can't believe they're letting us do this. I was really surprised. Really?

Did you have a staff that you handpicked, or did they try to marry you with a bunch of more traditional writers? and how'd that all work out?

Well, for the first four shows, I wasn't the executive producer.

Yeah.

They brought in someone who had experience.

Sure.

And who had a show on the air previously, and they brought him in and he was my boss.

Right, yeah.

And so we handed in the first couple of shows.

Yeah.

And then we were called into his office.

Uh-oh.

For notes.

And he, just, it was just four episodes.

That note meeting, it did not go well.

We just generally probably wanted to make it something a bit less specific and-.

Esoteric, probably, less esoteric or?

I don't know, you know, when-.

They were probably going for something more traditional, something more familiar, recognizable, because you're on a major network and let's round the edges a bit. Yes, yes. And you guys, thankfully, said, well, but you, because you guys, you famously, did not start high up in the ratings. You were probably figured, what? Give us a chance to grow and do our own thing.

I said no to everything he said.

Yeah. Right.

I said, I'm not gonna, I can't do that. And then I, you know, I was, and then I quit. And they said, and then Jerry went to Castle Rock and said, look, forget it. We're gonna do this or not. And so then that was, that guy didn't really participate after that.

Yeah.

And it was, it was essentially, it was essentially my show after that.

Yeah.

Larry, and I, it should be noted. And I had, I was, I was a fan of Jerry's. I saw him when I was like 17.. My buddies got me for my birthday to go see Jerry play in Toronto. Oh, no way.

The summer.

Summer of 90, yeah. Summer of 90..

The pilot came on in the summer of 89.

Yeah. Wow, that's so crazy. So crazy. And, and it was the Seinfeld Chronicles, as everybody knows, right?

Yeah, the first season, yeah.

First season.

Or just the pilot, I think. I think it was just the pilot.

Oh, was it?

I don't remember, yeah.

And I, and I seem to remember, I think we talked about this, maybe when Jerry was on, that the budget for the show at NBC came out of late night, right? That initially it was Rick Ludwin who-.

I think Variety.

Oh, Variety. Variety, yeah. And right, was it?

Rick Ludwin.

Yeah, one of the greats.

He championed the show. Great dude. The show would have gotten on the air if not for him. I love that.

And while, by the way, while you were on Seinfeld, you had, you had both your daughters, or just one daughter? While it was-.

No, both.

Both, wow. And did you bring them around? Were they interested?

No, they were babies.

No, I know, but when they got older?

When they got older, it was off the air.

First of all, don't-.

Sean, you stupid son of a bitch.

I thought they were like-.

Sean, take a time out, real quick.

Did the show do well with babies?

Sean, the show went off, the show went off in 98.

First of all, sit, first of all, calm down.

Larry, Larry, how did you guys do with like toddlers? Did you guys get a lot of toddlers? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So, but Larry, Curb, correct me, has been on longer than Seinfeld was?

Curb's been on for 24 years.

24 years, isn't that amazing? Not, not consecutively.

No, not consecutively.

You take like 10 years off.

But when we started, we started- Holy shit.

Wait, I wanna go into Curb more because, like, how did you come up with the, like being there, I was like, oh, this is how this works. You get like a little outline for my sister, Tracy, who doesn't understand. It's not written like, say, Seinfeld was. It's all improvised, like we were talking at the beginning of this episode, that, but how did you-.

The story outline.

The story outline, yeah. So you have to hit those points, but it's so fun because you spend an hour just improvising one scene and then you cut out the fat in the editing room and you have all great stuff. It's such a great format. So who thought of that? and why did you think of that?

Yeah. Well,

Right, we got it.

And did you get it? Or should I repeat it one more time?

I just can't wait to hear what happened to the kids.

Well, I didn't really wanna see the kids, I realized after the special.

How did you off the children?

I just pretended. the first show never existed. Never happened.

That's the best way to do it. I love shit like that.

It never came back. Never happened.

You never need to fucking explain it. No, no, no. You don't need to explain everything, right? I love that. Just fucking changed it.

I didn't want kids in the show. No, who does? I just thought the show would be so much funnier without kids. I didn't wanna deal with kids. I didn't wanna keep having to explain what about the kids?

Right, kids aren't funny. Kids aren't funny. Hey, the other thing is, Larry, do you think, God, you did something really genius, which is, you were able to play this version of yourself, if you will, and you get to sort of be cranky and say whatever you want. And it must have, God, I'm so envious, it just bled into your real life that you're able to now, because people just buy it and they're like, oh, it's just Larry being Larry. He's from this show.

Or scream at the slow group in front of you. You can do whatever the fuck you want on this planet.

I mean, I don't know about the planet, but the west side of LA and Manhattan, you could do whatever the fuck you want.

It's true, it's made my life so much better.

Jesus, fucking Christ, now I'm jealous. I'm really getting heated now when I realize this fucking car, you literally wrote, printed yourself a carte blanche to say whatever the fuck you want in the places that we.

And people are disappointed if I'm not that way.

I know, people are like, fuck. the guy paid his bill and he didn't tell me to go fuck myself. I mean, what am I doing wrong? He must hate me.

You're making the people happy by you being cranky. It's so great. Now, but do you notice that honestly, that you get some stuff out there as this sort of this other version of yourself, and then your real life actually ends up being a little bit more placid and less dramatic?

I haven't noticed that, but it is acting and doing that. Larry David, on the show.

I know what you mean, because.

A little cathartic. in a way, way to couch it. I mean, when you're talking, obviously it's the fucking greatest.

You get to say all these horrible things. By the way, how about, I wasn't even gonna bring this up, but it just hit me, Marjorie Taylor Greene. First of all, she said she was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is already kind of, oh, you watched the show. And then she got upset because she thought you painted people in her state or in the South as racist or whatever. I'm paraphrasing, so I don't know her word.

I was pretty surprised by it.

Yeah.

But it was just about a law that exists in that state.

Right, exactly, where you can't give people water or food or whatever when they're in line voting. Yeah, or a man to vote.

It's just outrageous.

Yeah, it's so good.

It's so unbelievable.

It's so stupid.

It's so great.

Yeah, I remember when I heard about that law, I wrote it down in my notebook, and then I knew I was gonna, you had to use that at some point.

The whole season is kind of around. that, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

So then, Larry, so the show has this incredible, long, successful run. You've brought it to this beautiful conclusion. I'm not gonna ask you what's next, but I would imagine that you're good, right? You've worked your nards off for however many years at a really high level, accomplished probably 10 times what you thought you would accomplish. You feel satisfied.

No.

No, you're good. You're all set.

Any other industries you wanna get into?

I'd love to be an offensive coordinator for an NFL team.

Okay.

That would be my dream job.

Very offensive coordinator?

But truly, you do love football, and, specifically, do you know about plays and all that stuff?

No, I don't know anything about it, but I feel like I'd be good at it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know nothing. But I feel like if I studied it, if somebody took me under their wing, I feel like in a year or two, I could design, I feel I could design great plays. Yeah. It's a creative endeavor, really, when you think about it.

Sure, sure. From what I understand, if you just play Madden, you really learn quite a bit. So maybe try that. Get yourself a PlayStation. Oh, really?

Oh, no, I've never done that.

Could you imagine Larry David on the field just calling shots?

Yeah.

Throwing his headset?

With a little headset? Yeah. Screaming into that thing?

I honestly feel I could do it.

You'd just be yelling, just throw it and then catch it. How hard is that?

What team would that be? Would that be the Giants or the Jets?

Well, I'm a Jet fan. I'm also a Giant fan, but I'm more Jets than Giants. When Joe Namath came in in 1965, I really took to him, and so I became a Jet fan.

Larry, when we were working together, I asked you the same kind of thing. Jason was asking. I'm like, why are you ending? Why are you stopping the show? And you just said, look at me.

Look at me. What do you mean?

You're in incredible shape. I know the way you take care of yourself. You eat great. You exercise. You're out there every day.

76,. when's your birthday, by the way?

Quick.

July 2nd.

Do you hate, by the way, do you hate birthdays? You hate holidays.

Well, I hate, you know, it becomes a job returning the birthday emails and the texts.

I agree.

It's a bit of a job. Yeah. So yeah, I don't like it. I really don't like it.

What about when, you know? what I don't like is when people sing happy birthday to me. I don't know what to do. It's the worst, like minute and a half.

All you can do is make a face and shake your head.

Yeah.

It's a weird.

Wait, what about all the other holidays? But I get the birthday thing. It becomes a job.

I detest, I detest all holidays. Detest them.

Not one.

Not one. There's not one holiday that I like. Wait, what about, what about. I particularly hate, I hate Halloween. I hate Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but you gotta stay up late. I hate the staying up late.

No, I don't stay up. I haven't stayed up past 12 and 15 years.

Why Halloween?

Because you gotta dress up.

The costumes, the kids, the bothering, you know. Knocking on the door.

By the way, my house is,

my house is in darkness on Halloween. Of course it is. All the lights are out. Nobody knocks on the door.

We put a sign out that says, sorry, no candy every single year.

Mary, you could probably get away with putting a sign that said, go, fuck yourself, and people would fucking adore you for it. They'd fucking build you a goddamn monument. I'm still really grinding on this over here.

I remember, I've seen you at Conan's Christmas party a couple of times. And it's great. And that's, do you like going to parties? Well, that's kind of like, it's not a dinner party, but they served great food and stuff. But I imagine you don't like to sit down at dinner parties, or do you?

The thing about the dinner party is you don't know who's going.

That's right.

And that's what really bothers me about it, that it's such a fucking secret as to who you're inviting. And then you show up, oh, you're here. Oh, oh, oh, hello, you know. Who needs that? Tell me who's going, and I'll see if I wanna go.

Why can't I know? I should have a chance to educate my decision about the way I'm gonna spend my night. Exactly.

And all of a sudden, then you're spending two and a half hours with a stranger and you've got nothing to say to them.

And like, if you're not gonna go to the beach, you're gonna look at the weather. And if the weather is rainy, you're not gonna fucking go for two and a half hours, right?

Exactly.