Synced: Double Man Plan

Hi. How are you? Sorry. What a disaster. Oh no.

It was just a disaster in the morning.

Nothing.

I mean I guess.

Maybe it's good fortune, good luck mixed with some crazy. Yeah, that makes sense. It could be all of it. You had a bug event yesterday. I did.

I had a bug event a second ago. There was a bug on me. There are bugs on me all the time. I'm sorry. I know, and we're heading into summer and it's going to be so much worse.

Same. Okay, we're both back from our vacation. Yeah. So after you left New York, after we hung out with Dan, you left the next morning. Yeah.

It's only April, but that was so fun. and then I went to Montreal. I got.

I did.

If I were reading it, is there a lot before it, or no? Le Crocodile.

I'm inventing that.

It's le. Le. Le Crocodile. Yeah. If I was saying it in my boring American accent, I would say Le Crocodile.

That's cute. It's like half. It's halfway. Yes. French people know what.

Oh my gosh. It was my first pate. Yeah, you were really excited about that. It's a big deal. It was a mushroom pate.

It was insane. So this is your favorite restaurant in New York. It was in Brooklyn. We did like a kind of silly thing. We went from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn, but it was worth it.

You went to my favorite bar, Beberman's Bar. I did. And we had a yummy drink, an old fashioned. I didn't pressure you. I wanted to.

I had a lot of drinks that night. You had three. I did the next morning. think, is she going to be okay? Well, what was great is.

We did. So that's your favorite restaurant,

No, but good guess. Nicholas Braun lives in our current neighborhood. We saw Bob Mervack's wife, Bob Mervack, who does all of our music. He did the music for this show. He does the music for Armchair.

His wife was at La Crocodile, and she lives in Michigan. That was a weird sim. It was weird. Yeah. We chatted with her for a bit, and we shut down the restaurant, of course, obviously.

That's what we do. It was really, really, really delicious. I'm definitely going.

because there's something very wholesome about LA. Probably most people wouldn't say that, but you can't go out too late. Things close. You can't just hop around from one place to the next and see where the night takes you, and I feel like we would get into more events. Even, I feel like in a few hours, a lot of things happened.

We were gaslit by an AI robot. We were gaslit by our AI boyfriend. Exactly. And we, yeah, shut down a restaurant. There's a pace to New York, right?

Where more things happen in a smaller amount of time. And if you're slightly open, so much will happen to you. In a way that in LA ... We went to dinner last night, and we all went to bed at 8.30. Yeah.

And I'm tired. I know. I'm tired too.

You.

I love a New York hotel so much. But I like the lobbies of the hotel. I like to go hang down there. I don't want to be in my room. I don't want to be by myself, really, in New York.

Exactly. And I want to be out and about and going from this place to this place. I mean, my shopping problem's bad here. I would have no dollars.

That's interesting because not this time. I had no event. I had no come-ons.

But actually, mostly because normally, 90% of what I'm doing in New York is by myself. I'll have maybe one or two meals out with someone. But this time, I pretty much did everything with people. And I think this has to do with it. But the last time I was there, I got hit on multiple times.

But it was so aggressive and gross. And one of them was so gross. I talked about this on a fact check, I think. But he was nagging me so hard. And then he's so bad.

He asked me what I did. And I said, I have a podcast. He said, which one? And I said, oh, it's called Armtrackspert. It's with Dax Shepard.

And he was like, oh, I think I know him. And he insulted him. somehow. He was in a bunch of B-movies or something like that. And I was like, okay, you can chill.

He's my best friend. And he said, would he call you his best friend? I remember this. Yes. And I was like, get away from me.

And then he tried to get me to go to the comedy store with him. I was like, you think this is going well? I don't understand. And then same trip, there was another aggressive guy that was really not wanting to take no for an answer. So I guess you're right.

But I didn't like it.

And so it's harder to isolate. And it's, I think, harder to be single. Maybe not harder, but it's easy in LA to be alone. Well, we had a plan that we didn't.

If we have one night, I'm never going to pick the double date. I want then just some fun girl time. And would you have wanted to do the double date with the?

And that it could go terrible or it could go really well. But to me, no matter what, it's going to be great. So should we tell them what we were trying to do? Yeah. You should explain it.

No, you. Okay.

So how did this come about?

You had a married man event.

Okay. And we're going to talk about it, because that sounds really bad on face value. But you went to a coffee shop. and what happened that morning? I complimented a young man on his.

I'm there to write, but I'm in this conversation with this hot guy. So that becomes the priority. And then eventually, I noticed a ring on his finger and then I go, okay, this is weird now, because I'm in this full on conversation with this stranger and he's married. And so I try and close off the conversation. He wouldn't let me go back.

He kept talking. He kept talking and re-engaging. And so I eventually had to flee the situation, the location. And well, it didn't come straight from there, but that had happened that morning. And so I was complaining about that, because if I were married to this man, I would feel a little bit odd that he keeps talking to this woman that he just met.

And I was annoyed that I had to leave the coffee shop too.

And there are many ways to get it, right? I think women often get it in the workplace if they're working. I think they feel confident if they like what they do and are good at it. They have coworkers they can chat with and be a version of themselves. that's fun and independent.

So I'm kind of fine with it. I'm actually more annoyed on your behalf than I am on behalf of the wife. I'm annoyed that you then are in a wasting your time situation.

Yeah. Because you're not going to be friends with this married man. Right. It's also a coffee shop where there was this guy once with a little puppy. Oh my God.

There was like a two week old puppy and he came in with the puppy and like, let me hold him. And we had this whole conversation. And then at one point I realized this guy has a girlfriend. He kept saying, we moved. And I was like, oh my God.

But then the puppy's on me at this point. And so then I'm engaged. And then later I told my roommate to come and hold the puppy until she comes. And then he takes the puppy back and then he's doing the same trick on these two other women next to us. And then, a week later, I walked by the coffee shop and I saw him doing it again in the window.

I swear to God. Really? Two women. It just gets to me when I see a lot of this happening in the world and I try and not let it ruin my image of men who are in.

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Okay, but this is hard because if he just has a cute puppy, because I bet you said,

But you're right. I instigated the fleece comment.

I feel pretty confident in saying that. They might be like, oh, that puppy's cool or cute, but they're not going to be like, oh, and get down and want to touch it and pet it and hold it and stuff. So he has this alluring puppy and then all these women are flocking. And is that his fault if he's just taking his puppy on a walk? It's hard to know.

But Rob's kid is so cute. Yeah. I guess it's more obvious because it's his kid, right? People stop you a lot. That's the only reason they bring him to the coffee shop.

I know. I figured. No, also to get free coffees and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you walk away, I guess, quickly. Yeah. I don't.

That's prime for cast lighting. Anyway, I'll just say,

So I am more open and more flirty and just more me in those environments. And then I was like, so maybe that married man, but again, I'm mainly talking about my friends, not strangers. But even strangers, if there was a married man stranger who's a server and I know they're married, I'm probably a lot more fun or chatty than I would be with a server who's single. Because I know if I show some sort of cuteness, then they might read that as an invitation. And I know that a married man can't do that.

So then I can just feel more free to be me. So you flirt more with married men. I don't think it's flirting. I guess, if I'm being honest, like probably. But it's not flirting.

It's just, I'm just more me. I'm just more open to talking.

What about your friends with boyfriends? Because I feel- That one is less. Yeah. I feel that I need some more distance, actually. If I want to say something to her boyfriend, I'll usually text both of them.

Yeah, that's smart. There's a thing that's weird about if we're just texting each other. I agree. I think it's different. Interesting.

If we're in our neighborhood, people know me in the neighborhood and know you. We have to go, I think. Do you feel like we give?

Your open for business light is on. I mean, you're chatting up people at the coffee shop all the time. I doubt Monica's talking to the same amount of guys that you are. I'm definitely not commenting on anyone's fleece. Okay.

Got it. Although if they were married and I liked it, I might be like, oh, that's a cool fleece. I'd only really do that, though, if I wanted to buy it. I wouldn't want to just talk to him. If I liked a man's fleece and then I saw that they were single, I'd be less likely to ask where he got it than if he was married.

Unless I was like, oh, my God, he's so hot. Sure. I'd like his face. Then maybe I would, but that'd be scary.

I mean, yeah. I have instances in my head, which then we went on some dates, but that's why. This will lead to that. So I have to already be interested in this person enough to, if it goes there, I'm fine with it. I don't like saying I don't want to go out on a date.

By the way, the.

Callie, and you were saying you should do it, and I'm saying, I don't weigh it like that. Well, I guess two people think I should and I shouldn't, but that's two against one. If I don't, I don't. Right. Well, anyway, then I was like,

Wow. That would just make first dates so much better, but no one wants to do.

I don't have to do this essay on my own. And you're sharing, I think, the hard parts of the team project. If there's a lull in conversation or.

Which? this is what it was going to be. Liz was going to reach out to, she gave me three options of the person she wanted to go on a date with, but then we would ask that person to bring a friend. So it's two first dates happening at the same time. Yeah.

I think that's better than if she's bringing her friend and her.

And I think you need to make it happen. Okay. I'm going to make it happen. That's exciting. We'll do the same thing.

You'll give options. Why don't we do it on here? Obviously, you don't say names, but you'll say these are the five options. This person is a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what he's like.

Then this and this. And then I'll pick. But again, that's for you. Yes. Your options are the person for you.

Then that person brings a friend. For me, we don't know anything. Okay. I love that because I'm like,

Okay. Well, shall we do some questions? Okay. To what degree should I put aside my own needs, because the boy I'm dating is neurodivergent? This is from EJ.

Dear Monica and Liz, first of all, thank you for making my Wednesdays. I look forward to listening every week on my morning hot girl walk. I would love your advice on this topic, particularly because my friends all have differing opinions. I've been dating a boy for about six months and think he's wonderful. He's funny, warm, and completely unique.

A real standout. He's on the spectrum and has made it clear he requires a lot of his own space and time. This has worked for me perfectly so far, as I'm also fiercely independent and not long out of a long-term relationship. We live in two different cities and see each other about once every two to three weeks. Perfect, right?

The problem I'm currently having is that his need for space is morphing more and more into complete hibernation mode. The door to his life perpetually swinging from wide open to firmly shut. I never know when this is going to happen or why, and I'm finding it really discombobulating. And it's hard not to take it personally, especially as when we were first dating, he would be in contact all the time. I want to be understanding of his needs as someone nerve diverse, but I also don't want to be picked up and put down as and when it suits.

I feel a bit like the sometimes shiny thing that's losing its luster as time goes on. Is it okay to ask for more consistent communication, or do I just need to understand that this is how his brain works and either be okay with that or not? I think his mind is complete magic, so I don't want him to change. I'm just trying to balance that with protecting my own wellbeing. And I can't help but feel that, neurodivergent or not, he's just being a bit of a boy.

Your thoughts are much valued with love and admiration, EJ. Great question. Hard question. I would really struggle with this. Look, I mean, I think your needs are your needs, like.

regardless of the person. Neurodivergent or not, people have elements to their personality that don't match up perfectly with your needs. It's always this decision of, am I okay with this piece of them? Because it means X, Y, and Z for me. That's who this person is and it's not going to change.

So I think everyone has to sort of do that. So that's why I think this is a great question. I still think it's worth communicating.

I did it with someone who was very much like this. And I remember talking to my therapist about it. And at the sort of attributing a lot of his behaviors of distance and isolation to this neurodivergence. And at one point, I remember it shifting to like, well, is that the neurodivergence? or is he kind of using these things as an excuse?

What is, I mean, not just being a boy, but clear avoidance and sort of refusal. And just to take it one step further, in my case, when I brought it up, there wasn't a lot of interest about how it affected me. There was more defensiveness and being like, well, even if I don't write to you, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you, which I was like, how am I supposed to guess, right? And be a mind reader. And that's when it just became clear, like this isn't going to work long term, because this person isn't really interested in how this is affecting me.

Like that should be the conversation. And at least, even if the thing doesn't get fixed, quote, unquote, completely, they're interested in how you're being affected by their neurodivergence. Yeah, how you're feeling. And without ever bringing it up, you'd never know. And I understand the reluctance to bring it up, because you don't want it to be perceived as intolerant or you don't want it to kind of create shame, but it is going to affect the relationship.

And even when we think about neurodivergence, I think autism comes up as one of the neurodivergences that will affect the relationship a lot. But even ADHD, like I was just home and my mom has ADHD, was diagnosed after I was diagnosed. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. And I had to be like, hi, this is, you have ADHD.

And then what's interesting is that I think it gave a lot more understanding to my dad than it did to my mom. Like it helped my dad understand my mom, the relationship, that the things that she was doing weren't because she didn't care about him, but they were literally a result of her brain being different. When I talked to my dad about it, it was like the way that someone's brain is, is not their fault, but it.

And if he is willing to do that, I think that's a great step. And that also tells you a lot that he's taking your needs into consideration. But if he's not willing, I think that's a bigger issue. Right. Yeah.

I mean, how are you going to be in a long-term relationship? You can't feel like.

Or again, if texting is overwhelming for him, just learn what works for him. And then again, you're going to have to move a little bit to the center, but he's going to have to move a little bit to the center. When I think about any relationship issue, I'm like, if both people are moving a little bit, that's great. If one person's constantly the one moving, that's the.

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Oh, this is tricky. Okay. My BFF's kid sucks. This is from Angela. Hi, Monica and Liz.

Longtime listener, first time caller. I'm in an odd position. My best friend of 10 plus years magically had our first babies within a few weeks of each other. We're obviously gone through all of the pregnancy, birth, parenting things around the same time. And it's been so lovely having someone to think of it with me.

We've always joked how we do things opposite of each other at every junction, but still remain so close and respect each other's decisions. Now we have toddlers and the more time we spend together, the difference in parenting decisions is glaring from behavior, discipline, sugar intake, sleeping, eating, potty, training. It's hard for me to not think about the quote bad habits that are rubbing off on my kid and setting unrealistic expectations. After every weekend together, it's like we have to reset and go back to real life. For example, when one kid is getting a sugary treat every 30 minutes, it's difficult for me to be the party pooper that, God forbid, serves a meal with some sort of protein and water to drink.

How can I gently set boundaries and not ruin the friendship? Oh, kids are so hard. And I've seen in my own friendship group, I think it's beautiful. Everyone is parents very differently, but it all is fairly cohesive. There's not these massive, massive differences, but there are differences.

And basically it's your responsibility in your own family to tell your own kid, these are the rules in our house. And so I know Johnny gets 14 doughnuts a day, but that's not the rule here, because I want you to have growing food. Whatever the rule is, whatever the real reason is, it sucks that you're being put in that position, but it's just standing by your own rules. It's not about changing her rules, which I don't think she's really saying, but I guess distance, if you're really like this, is taking a toll, then maybe you don't see them every weekend. But you need to figure out how that's going to affect you.

If you really love having this mom in your life and this best friend in your life, I think you can just remember that boundaries are the things. you won't not asking someone else to do something. Yeah. I also think this is going to happen. I remember.

Yeah. Those are like cookie. There's no cookies. There was no soda. That was insane.

The idea that I could have soda with dinner was crazy, but then I'd go to my friend's houses, and there's different rules in every house. Yeah. They have different channels. They have cable and you don't. They're allowed to do whatever.

And so that's kind of part of childhood. I understand. it's probably harder when they're younger for kids to understand that, but it's going to happen. Kids are going to be pissed off, and that's kind of part of life. I don't think you have to ensure that you're always on the same page with everyone that your kid will ever interact with.

And right now it seems like you are a little bit in charge of who they're hanging out with, but eventually you won't. And so why not get used to it now to have those kind of tough conversations with your kids for them to understand that they can't always?

They are going to probably throw tantrums. And I'm like, why can't I have this? And you can tell them why. Right. You don't have to feel scared to say, I don't think sugar is good for your body.

And you can say it if you need to in front of them. What they don't, you don't have to tiptoe around it. Stick to your rule. But I don't know that you.

And you probably won't agree with this, but I also think if you're openly saying these things, I would want my friends to be a little bit aware. That the behavior was bad. Yeah. Or like, okay, maybe when we're hanging out with them, we'll sort of adjust a little bit. That's what I would maybe expect over time.

If you're saying things directly and honestly and like to your own kid, you're not saying it to them. But maybe that's time. I don't think I'm following. Like. if we're hanging out and I'm constantly having to tell my kid, no, you can't have this.

And you're constantly bringing popsicles and stuff that my kid can't have. I would also expect you as my friend to kind of notice, but maybe that's too much. I don't think it's too much. That could be a conversation.

But ultimately, it is just about sticking to your own rules. That's a good question. And this is hard. Kids make things really hard. Everyone parents differently.

Every kid is different. The kids in a group will get in fights. How do the parents react to the kids getting in fights? I'm very impressed with my friend group. I think everyone navigates it really, really well.

I think the grownups are good about understanding that kids are kids. And when they are upset with each other, it's not reflective of the grownups. I appreciate that. But kids are going to yell at each other, get in big fights, they're going to cry. It's going to happen.

Okay, do we have time for one more? I think so. It's 11-11.. Of course. Black cat.

11-11.. Oh my gosh. Okay, let's do... Okay, this is a fun one. How to confront my Pilates instructor.

This is from Kat. This might sound like a silly question, but it's something that's been bothering me and I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do something about it. I go to Pilates classes five times a week at a small studio where the instructor is the owner. She has one of those room fresheners that automatically sprays fragrance. every so often.

I find the smell way too strong and it makes me hold my breath every time. Not great when you're working out. I also worry about all the endocrine-disrupting, cancer-causing chemicals and try to only use natural and non-toxic products, especially since I have an increased risk of cancer from BRCA. How do I approach her about this? Or should I just suck it up and live with it?

since it's her studio? I've thought about suggesting or even buying her a diffuser with essential oils instead, but I'm a bit shy and bringing it up makes me nervous. Help.

Again, I would change studios because I can't do confrontation, even though this is not even confrontation for most people. If it was the only one near me and I need to go there, I would probably try and do it anonymously. I would write an email. It's not bad. I would do that a million times before having the conversation.

But this is my worst nightmare. This is my mom's full-time job. When I was a kid, particularly when I was with her, I was always embarrassed by it. If there was something she didn't think was clean or environmentally friendly, we would go and buy chips at a gas station and she would yell at them for having porn magazines at my eyesight. Which again, looking back, everything she said, made sense, but she had no qualms about it, and I just would be mortified.

I think it's a weird thing that I have about it, but my mom would do it for you. That would be my advice. My mom will.

But if there's nothing nearby or it is just like the best workout of your life, you could do it in an email, but not anonymously. But I think you could say, hey, I love your class so much. It's changed my life. I can't imagine not coming five times a week here. I'm just struggling a little bit with the fragrance.

And say why. Maybe you can say like, I'm super sensitive to smells and I kind of feel like I have to hold my breath. I always feel like this is a me issue. I'm so sensitive. I'm wondering if there's any work runs where we don't spray the air freshener during those classes.

And obviously let me know if it's not an option. There's like a way to phrase it. Yeah. She'll probably be like, yeah, it's fine. I won't spray it while you're in the class.

That's probably how this is going to go. It'll be easy. Or if she says, I really have to, then you go to a different place. I would not feel offended. It's a sweaty workout place.

She's just trying to like, make it smell good. It's not her identity. Like, I think it's going to be totally fine if you approach it in a very self-aware way and take responsibility that it's like, this is me. I know it's me. I'm so sorry to ask, but is there any way?

She'll say yes or no. I just have like so much. Yeah. Because it scares you so much. What's the worst that could happen if you confront?

Yeah. Because also strong smells in a small environment. that's kind of cover up. Yeah. People spray Febreze over their poop, but it just smells like poop plus flowers.

Like it's just bad. Yeah. So I think in this case, specifically, it's okay to try. Yeah. And if the instructor says a lot of people have said they need it or they like it or they hate the smell in here, you'll have your answer.

Yes. But you have to understand it is your issue before I'm going to make any changes for you. If you're just acting like, it's objectively a problem when it's not objectively a problem,

So can you please not put that in the routine? That's a much different thing. This shouldn't negatively affect anyone else. It should be fine to ask. That's funny.

I feel like you're mixed messages a little bit on that, because you do ask, you ask for like changes in food and stuff. You're fine.

I'm so picky. So I'm surprised that hasn't changed your-. No, you're right. This is revealing to me a lot. I'm like, why is this so intense for me?

And I'm pretty assertive. I'm a pretty assertive person. Right. But there's something about changing an environment. My mom does this where she'll literally go to a restaurant and then she'll be like, the music's too loud.

You need to put it. And I'm like, mom, I can't. But again, it's like my dad literally can hear us. But I'm just like, we have to go to a restaurant where there's lower music or ask if we can be maybe further away from the music. But we can't.

I mean, this is my life's work. I'm so excited. I love a challenge. I know. Specifically a challenge like.

I love this. I think I have a video. No, we can't. Yes. No, we're doing it.

No, we're not. That'll be part of the condition. No. Is this just a game or are we trying to maybe date these people? We're trying to date.

Then we can't have video. I videotaped a first date. How'd it go? We were together, for.

No. Cause it.

Well, if we take a video, we would. So we shouldn't. We're not doing that. Okay. But we are gonna.

Cool. Can't wait. See you next week. Bye. Bye.