#601 - TIM DILLON + ROSEANNE

He's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to tonyhinchcliffe..com for everything Golden Pony.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Are you guys ready for the best goddamn show of your lives tonight? or what?

Yippee, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. We've been doing this for almost ten years together.

Very, very exciting. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by the Red Rose, The Yellow Rose Gel Blaster, Deep Eddie Vodka. And the Austin Security Guard Service The best security guards in Austin is the Austin Security Guard Service. How about a hand for the band, everybody?

That's a screwball. Peanut butter whiskey, kill Tony band, that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums right there.

That's the great John Dees on the keys, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, Paul Diemer on the horns and on the bass, the one and only Dee madness. Ladies and gentlemen, everybody's here.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

You know, we started doing Killtony here at Vulcan a couple years ago. This is officially our last scheduled taping here at this venue. You guys are here for that episode, how cool.

And we've had many great guests, many well-booked shows every single week. I try to be very, very strategic and use my connections wisely and my friendships wisely to book this show as good as I possibly can in a sustainable manner. This week may be my finest work that I've ever booked in my entire life. Ladies and gentlemen, at the same time, I present to you Tim Dillon and Roseanne Barr.

Yes, let's go, oh my God.

Yep.

Boom, yep.

This is what we do, this is what we do, We're pushing it all the way. Tim Dillon, literally, I believe, is one of the record holders for most appearances in the show's history as a guest.

I fell in love with this man from the first time I met him. We were on a cruise ship together. It's good to be here with my mother, indeed, indeed.

Indeed, we are going to have so much fun. You guys have both done this show. You know how it works. For those of you that may be visiting with your podcast-loving boyfriend from a faraway land. Let me tell you, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and cuts them off. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised.

My guests chip in, maybe they give some good advice, maybe we make fun of the person, maybe anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show or what?

We do have a few regulars on the show. This is the people that have the very, very tough job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. It is not easy, we've had greats do it over the years Ali Makovsky, Sarah Weinshank, Kim Congdon.

A lot of comedians we've built here. Perhaps no one is as more wildly successful as the man that I'm about to bring to this stage right now. We met him when he was living in a van a year and a half ago. Every single week, he starts the show with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. Sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

In honor of Rihanna doing the halftime show Pregnant, I will be performing with five days worth of semen saved up in my body.

Thank you.

You know, my friend was bragging about working at a PR firm. He's like, I work at a PR firm. I was like, No one cares that you work at Puerto Rico.

Let me know when you get a job at a USA firm.

Yeah, doing pretty good.

I think I saw a group of blind people walking around, I was like, How do they meet?

Just bump into each other once and remember the footsteps.

My friend was like, Dude, stop staring at them, it's like, why?

They can't tell, thank you.

Did you say blind people, yeah, how dare you, with deep madness six feet behind you make fun of them? I love the blind, but I did see a group of Middle Eastern blind people walking around. I was like, Whoa, I need to write a joke.

Were they really? how do you know they were Middle Eastern, you could tell?

They were kind of hairy and like the Middle Eastern spots on their face, Middle Eastern spots on their face. Yeah, okay.

And they were blind. Yeah, boy, they got a couple of strikes against them.

If only those were the pilots that tried to fly into the World Trade Center, it would have ended up. Two Boeing 747s end up in the Atlantic Ocean today. A stunning turn of events.

Every flight would have been United 93 on that day.

Blind Middle Eastern people, what else has been going on in your life, Hans, What have you been up to? I recently went to Rochester and instead of taking a feature, I just took a beautiful jew and we had sex 17 times. Okay?

You might need to make it more clear for people that the beautiful Jew that you're talking about is your girlfriend. Yes, I want to make her my girlfriend, so instead of taking an opening act, you decided to take your girlfriend, yes.

How were the opening acts? Was it worth it?

They were great, thank you for showing up. Oh, you're pandering to two people you'll never see again in Rochester. Now I have to jump in on the Jew part. I love hearing that.

What's it like to have a Jewish girlfriend? She's so amazing, like how she's like....

She's like.

She's really good at mental math, she's really good at figuring out how much the tip should be.

Usually zero.

That is true, that is true. TIM Dillon, You've watched Hans rise, yes, and what do you think about tonight's appearance?

What I loved about it was one Asian guy in the crowd did a black power salute to Hans. I don't know what that means. I think it means stop, Asian. Hate is over and everyone's good now. So that's something I enjoyed watching.

I love it Hans, you get the show started every week, I love it. We're going to keep it moving quickly this week. Get some names out of the bucket.

Thank you so much for showing everybody what the format of the show is like. And like that, things get wild. When I reach into this bucket. That means we're going to meet somebody for the very first time. Sometimes it's the return of somebody, you never know what's going to happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket goes by the name of Jordan McDonald. Everyone here we go, anything can happen, it might be a genius, it might be the future.

It might be an insane person, a minute uninterrupted, and then we interview them. This is Jordan McDonald.

AUSTIN, Texas Make some noise. How we feeling tonight? Hell yeah, any couples in the house?

Couples make some noise. Y'all familiar with the love languages? Hell yeah, white women already knew shit.

If you're not familiar with the love languages, there's five love languages, and we operate from two of these five love languages. I was hanging out with my lady, she was telling me she took a test, learned her top two love languages. Supposedly, her top two love languages are physical touch and quality time. She was like, Babe, you want to take a test? learn your love languages?

And I was like, Nah, not really, but I'm not trying to argue so sure. She was like, What you mean? sure? and I was like, Yeah, damn, come on. True story. Took a test, learned my top two love languages, and supposedly my top two love languages is big booty bitches and weed.

I was like, Damn dog, this test is accurate as fuck. I actually did take my test, supposing my real love. Languages are quality, time and acts of service. I mean, this chick, we actually broke up because she used to beat my ass.

I'm not quite sure those were the acts of services this Test was talking about. You know what I'm saying? Thank you, all right. Jordan McDonald, welcome to the show.

You've been on before, yeah, like a year and some change ago, it's been a minute. Absolutely, you look exactly the same.

I love it. Cool, welcome back. You're like a black carrot top or something like that. I'm not exactly sure.

I'll take black carrot Top money, I'm cool with that, I'm cool absolutely. Carrot top is in Vegas.

He is rich. What do you do for work, Jordan? So I valet park at the Women's Center up in North Austin. And then I've been doing comedy a lot, like, a lot, a lot. Wait a minute, hold on.

There's valet parking at the women's sector. Yeah, I valet park. Mad pregnant women all day, just rich women getting abortions. What's going on here?

I think we have to ask Roseanne about that, she would know if rich women are getting abortions out here.

So what's that like? What are you dealing with? Out there? It's mostly just pregnant women parking their cars. I saw somebody's water break in the driveway one time and bro, that shit was crazy. I've never seen nothing like that in my life for real.

Oh shit, yeah, did you have to put out a wet floor sign or something like that?

How long have you been doing standup comedy? about three and a half years now? Okay, coming up on four in May, all right?

And what's the coolest thing you've had, happen to you or learned, or anything like that? In December, I went on a six city tour in California with some of my comedy homies that I met out here. That shit was mad, cool. I just did a comedy festival in Portland about two weeks ago, the Northwestern Black Comedy Festival, Cool.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like if someone smooshed all the black eyed peas together?

No.

Well, now now someone has. Is that true that your girlfriend was beating your ass? Yeah, that's true, she was beating me up. I want to hear more about that.

I will because a lot of men are getting their ass beat up by their women and nobody ever talks about it. I think you should talk about that. It'll hit a nerve. Every guy's getting their ass beat at home.

I completely agree with Roseanne on this. Can you give us an example of, like, a time that she really made you feel like a fucking bitch?

So the last time was the Monday before Thanksgiving, it's always around fucking Thanksgiving.

That turkey is stuffed and battered. You know what I'm saying? This shit is crazy, all right. So she's picking me up from work, right? And she pulls in and she goes, Is that a white girl sitting on your lap?

And I was like, What the fuck you talking about? And she said, From the angle she pulled in, looked like this girl was sitting on my lap. I was like, you're tripping, you're like, baby, I'm just trying to valet your car, I'm not doing anything.

I'm just trying to make a living right now. And so I was like, Yo, that's weak, whatever, I'm mad about that. I'm not really going to talk to you like that. And we were living together at the time.

I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, you know, trying to cool out. Wow, she's already got you doing the dishes. This really is an abusive relationship. Yeah, it is.

You better be scrubbing them good, too. Is she black or white? She's mixed. I had the accent, about right.

Then she's both of them. Was she bigger than you? No, but no, you know, I'm not about to hit a woman.

She's crazy, so the bottom line is, she's crazy as fuck. Yeah, but I attract that type of woman that's like real equality. Like picking your dude up from his job at the women's Center and then beating his ass.

That's bad equality, that's real fucking equality. No, it isn't. that's bad. We don't want nobody getting their ass beat.

Fuck you, you're doing the dishes. We don't want nobody getting their ass beat. How come you never just hold back and punch the bitch out? That's what I want to know.

That's true, that's true. See, because my son, you know, I got two sons. Okay, okay, maybe some bitch was hitting on my boy. Okay, maybe that happened.

Maybe I found out about it, maybe I destroyed that fucking bitch's life, yeah.

She starts arguing, she's like, Why are you still mad? I was like, because you accused me of cheating. I'm chilling at work, I'm not about to have this white girl sitting in my lap at work.

You know, I'm the only Black girl that works there. They'll probably fire me real quick. I'm not trying real talk, you know? I got to be conscious of shit like this dog, I got to be conscious of shit like this.

And first, she took an empty Hennessy bottle and threw it on the ground.

This sounds like a completely black thing to do at all. Are you sure she's mixed? This sounds like a completely black thing to do. You got to give him all these lines. A Hennessy bottle filled with coconut water, maybe.

I mean, that would make sense, but just a straight up Hennessy bottle, yeah.

And I was like, All right, if you're going to do that, I'm going to just go take a shower, chill out, you know what I'm saying, shower. You're like, I'm going to shower, baby, I'm going to use the same shampoo and conditioner as you.

Scrub up a little bit. And so now she's a black girl, she got braids and shit, she don't get her hair wet in the shower. You know what I'm saying?

Okay, okay, yeah, I know fighters have cornrows usually.

So I'm trying to take a shower and she's still trying to argue. So she comes and sits in in the bathroom. And I'm like, Oh, damn, this is what I know. All right, shit's about to get real now. You're trapped and she knows you can't swim, so it's a disadvantage.

Exactly, I can't swim, I can't get my hair wet, it gets heavy and shit, you're in the tub with a hair net on, just almost drowning like Whitney Houston with a mustache.

All right, and so I'm like, All right, Yo, you need to leave the bathroom and get out. She's like, No, we're going to talk this out. I'm like, Yo, just let me shower, you're tripping right now.

Get the fuck out the bathroom and she's like, No, and then she starts pushing me and I'm like.

I'm warming up, I'm building up to the shower. I didn't get into the shower yet. Yeah, she pushes me before I get into the shower and I'm like, Man, fuck like, here we go.

And here we go, a battle of the Titans balls versus vagina. It went from the bathroom to the bedroom, to the closet, back to the bedroom. Wow.

Back to the bathroom, I take a shower, I take a shower.

She's just hitting you and you're just moving back and I'm like, All right, yo, you need to chill out. And then she'll chill out for like two seconds and then jump back on me. She was pulling my hair, she was swinging on me.

Real talk You didn't even hit her once by accident.

I guess Roseanne, I guess Queen, I guess.

What stopped you, though? I mean, that's a master, that's a master of self-control. Imagine the police coming to my crib and taking me away. Real talk.

You know the vibes? That's why you have to kill her. No, no, no, you have to kill her. You can't leave witnesses.

No, my life's been like, pretty cool the past year, so I'm trying to, like, not fuck that up, you know, I'm trying to keep the cool shit going.

That's great. We be fucking, though he be fucking okay. Well, I'm not with her, but you know.

But you can't get enough of that crazy pussy. It's a trap. Tony, What is it in the bedroom that she does that makes it worth being in such a volatile relationship? Oh, I hate people who have sex.

She squirts, So that shit is tight. Oh wow, that's a mistake. I squirt too, but that's why I wear adult diapers.

He just got booked on a real show. Everybody, thank you so much and like that, we're in it.

JORDAN Coming around for handshakes. That's not really part of what you get when you get your balls out of the bucket. Oh shit, Roseanne's like, If you want a real white woman, you come over to my place. I swear to God, I'll beat the shit out of you and I'll fucking...

There he goes, Jordan McDonald, he's leaving with a brand-new gel blaster. Everybody, okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Bobby Sanbay. BJJ Maybe I don't know.

This shouldn't have been in the bucket.

I don't know if we were even going to get somebody. This seems like a half-written thing. BoBBY SANDU Okay, here he is, Bobby Sandu, everybody.

Thank you, thank you. good to be here. You guys can probably tell I'm not from here.

I'm an Australian, but my parents, they were Indian, you know, and they had pretty high hopes for me. Like, they didn't want me to be doing this shit, they wanted me to be well-educated, have a degree.

My parents, they wanted a doctor, but they got a chemist.

Yep, yep. Very good. Nice to be in Austin, Texas. great place. The other day I did a bit of comedy in Austin.

I was at one of these open mics and this bloke, he yells out, he goes, Hey, get off stage, you Mexican pencil.

Thought it was a pretty impolite thing to say, You know, I'm a guest in this country, I should be treated well. I said, Sir, I'm not Mexican, I'm an Australian.

And he said to me, What part of Australia are you from?

Am I saying that correctly? You are? It's the second time I've been on, I was only in Australia once. Oh, which episode.

BRISBANE, Melbourne Oh, Melbourne, that's right. Sometimes I forget we sold out theaters all around the world.

Sons of Bitches, How did that appearance go for you? Back at home? It was very embarrassing. You said bad things about my parents.

I did. Do you remember any of the things that I said about your parents? Can you remind this crowd? I don't remember anything. I told you I was Indian and you said my parents fucked.

I thought I would come up with something better than that, but this is what happens. Are you sure I didn't say 9-11??

I get them all confused, people show it to me all the time, it haunts me.

They what you? Yeah, they host you. Oh, it haunts you. Okay, I can't understand your thick Indian accent.

I love it, so welcome to the show, Bobby.

What are you doing here right now? I do jiu-jitsu, so I come here to learn jiu-jitsu. Austin has some of the best jiu-jitsu here. Wow, I wouldn't have taken you as a jiu-jitsu guy. I had you for more of, like a drifting type of guy.

A guy that likes spinning out in sports cars until you accidentally hit somebody.

You ever go drifting? No, I'm safe, I just drive Uber, I'm getting the feeling.

I'm very committed, you know, yeah, that's what people that will kill you in five seconds say. That's exactly what they say. How long are you allowed to stay before?

I used to be able to stay for 90 days at a time, now I can stay for double. So whatever, 180, wow, 180, look at that.

I said, Biden, you know, but good job. The chat was great, it is incredible.

More jokes in there by means of explaining who you are, so we would get you sooner. You say you're Australian, so we're like, huh? and then you say you're Indian, so we're like, what? So I think you should have something to explain to us what it was like to be of Indian heritage in Australia. Get a joke about that.

And that's going to move you.

In, and then we're, like, in your head, you know what I mean? Like, for example, you could talk about being an Indian in Australia is weird, because when you flush the toilet, we don't have toilets in India. You could say that you see what I mean, that's a perfect Indian-Australian joke.

The writer's room is always working. Baby, I wish I could have hired you back in the day I'm telling you.

What do you like? Which country do you like? Better America or Australia or Texas?

There's three countries.

Austin's a pretty incredible place, but so is Australia. It's really hard to toss it. Australia's home. All the nostalgia. I'll always love that place.

You like the people there? Yeah, they're incredible, some of the best people in the world, for sure. What type of women is a guy?

Really, you seem like a worldly character, Vegas Convy chooses.

Really, I knew it. What kind of show is this tonight?

I'm telling the truth, they're nothing but dirty bitches and hoes, I'm telling you.

Well, that makes sense. That's part of the job. A lot of guys hit you, too. I bet, yeah, do you fuck up a lot of guys?

Yeah, oh boy, what was that like? was that ecstasy to fuck up a guy's fucking face? It's a good thing.

Yeah, every time somebody comes on with a fanny pack, I always ask them if they have anything interesting in their fanny pack that would surprise us. I'm guessing you have a pile of sand from what I've put together inside of that thing, but I'm going to ask.

Oh, that's right, he's Australian. I forgot there's a fucking frisbee and a donut or something. Did you think he was Arab or something?

For a minute, Well, he's Indian. What's the story? How did you end up in Australia?

My pop on my mother's side. He was a sailor, he sailed and shipped way back, and then my dad came as a legal immigrant, but he overstayed his visa. Ah, and after nine years, they couldn't chase him down, so they just said, you can be here.

Look at that.

There you go, that's interesting, that's awesome. Fuck yeah, all right.

You're so chill. everyone from Australia is so chill. Yeah, he's like the chillest guy ever. It is incredible.

I smoked a huge joint. There you go, I love it. You're funny. And you know, I think if you just let us know a little bit more who you are, I think you can go far.

You're funny, Bobby Sandu, ladies and gentlemen.

Catch that you got it there. He is Bobby Sandu. I do believe he gets a gel blaster as well.

Ooh, he does all right. Let's do something special. The next comedian you're about to see came onto the scene just about a month ago and we absolutely fell in love with him. Two weeks ago, he won the Golden Ticket, the highly regarded award for people that in which case.

He's a Canadian from Canada visiting the most recent Golden Ticket winner. This is Aaron Belial. Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to see magic right now for those of you that don't know.

Future American fucking.

Absolute murderer, always full of surprises. He has cerebral palsy, so he doesn't use his voice to speak, but he's fucking, super consistent, super, fucking cool. We love to see it. This is a brand new minute.

Brand new minute from the great Aaron Belial.

Being a disabled person with a chronic stomach was really awkward because of my issues with muscle control. I basically choke on everything I put in my mouth.

This guy can't definitely relate.

Last week, I ate out and ordered soup. Soup makes me feel like a child, a child lying face down in a kiddie pool, drowning in three inches of hot chicken water.

Two tables away, I notice that a woman is glaring at me. Our eyes meet, and she starts hollering at me. You have the Covid, you're gonna make me sick, you need to leave.

Now.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, I don't have the Covid, I have the palsy, it isn't contagious.

Well, are you vaccinated?

Yes, I am not that I need to be. My condition has social distancing built in.

Unfortunately not in your case.

Don't feel bad for me, I've made my peace with being French.

Suddenly, some anti-vax guy sees me and says, Look at you, I knew it, them vaccines so messed you up.

And I like to stir the pot. So I was like, Right, yeah, I was a track star before I got the vaccine.

This is what I'm talking about, the future of Kiltony. Aaron Belisle, only his fifth appearance, I do believe on this show two appearances ago. You did so good and impressed Roseanne so much that she just fell in love, offered you a mentorship. Super cool shit.

This is the first time Tim Dillon is seeing you. How do you feel what's going on other than your left hand? How do you feel?

Shut up, we're friends, you idiots.

We really value your question. Please hold while the operator types his response.

Cold-blooded Assassin. It's fucking crazy. mm-hmm. I love it, absolutely.

So Aaron Belisle, you've done it again. You mixed in talking about your stuff, your condition, your ethnicity of being French-Canadian, you have it all mixed in there. Topical, with the Covid stuff, all the way through, what else?

What do we not know about you, Aaron? Belisle? That we might find interesting that we haven't talked about if he says, my girlfriend hits me.

Oh, shit, I knew it. See, it's not right that women are hitting the men, is it?

Not at all.

Very interesting, I've seen, actually, I have seen Aaron out and about, very social guy, very fun to hang out with at bars. My ex liked to choke me.

Wow, that's fucked up, man. It's like a hate crime or something.

It was hard because I can't say the safe word when she was choking me.

That is true.

I bet that right thumb is a fucking like, fucking Emmett Smith level, just bulldozer, just a fucking boom, just crushes in thumb wars. No doubt about it, I bet he gives the best thumbs up out of anybody.

Tough to be a movie reviewer, Olly McCoskey thinks, So, okay, she's said that or something. Oh wait, what does that mean?

Strangely, I've never not understood something that you said. Oh, she said. Thumb war.

We're really going backwards here, you're jumping back four episodes, you're making a call back to something that happened five weeks ago. I do believe, or something like that. But okay, we're just going to keep moving forward. Erin, Do you have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom when you're with the ladies?

Is there something you fucking? It seems like you might have a trick or two up your sleeve.

And I know, because I can clearly see up your sleeve, so it's a real straight shot from this angle.

You are possessed of Satan.

I think they call it starfishing, or like, half starfishing, half this.

Oh, okay, that must be a Canadian sex term. I don't know what that means. I've never heard that before. How much longer do you get to be in America?

Have we found anything out from the lawyer that was supposed to give you citizenship?

That's a lot of questions at once. That lying motherfucker, he never did shit for you, did he?

Oh, he's excited about this response. He just leaned into this one. He said. It was going to help him move to the USA. Yep, and later, you know, as lawyers do, and he says, he'd do it for free.

He says, Sorry, can't do it. Is there any lawyers here tonight who would do that? good question? Are there any lawyers in the house tonight? because lawyers are all possessed of Satan?

We have people from Cincinnati, from Florida. Yeah, you might have a Florida lawyer. It's a rare lawyer crowd here, very few lawyers or professionals or people that have jobs in my fan base.

I don't want to pick a fight with Harvard lawyers, but the difference between me?

And Harvard Lawyers is I can't fist you with both hands.

What do your parents think of you doing stand-up comedy? Canadians can be a little bit weird, French Canadians can be even weirder. I'm interested to know.

We should get him citizenship. I know that's what we're saying, but you've got to fill all these.

Things in there, right? With benefits, with benefits, it's not bad.

You load things on and off a truck and then it's seven or eight years. We'll try to get you out of that, and then we'll try to get you into something creative. I did hear that Heb is hiring for a very slow stalker right now.

He can sell balloons, they could just tie a bunch of balloons to his left arm.

What do you think? I heard? The real reason you got banned from Airbnb was because you were doing enemas in the living room. Oh, just taking shots.

This child, this child, it's absolutely true, it's true. Can we get him citizenship?

Absolutely, there's no doubt about it. We're going to relentlessly try. We just figured we'd give the Harvard lawyer that was in the front row, go down there to Mexico and sneak across the border.

Let's help him do that. Would you rather live in America than Canada? Yeah, of course he would. Canada. Fucking sucks ass.

They're taking people's money out of their accounts and making them take 19 jabs in the fucking eyeballs of the.

Fuck you liberals.

Roseanne is here, everybody. It's not.

I like, I like, I like it. His citizenship hearing. They're like, Do you have a sponsor? He's like, Yes, I do. Meet Roseanne.

I'm not a lying, goddamn prostitute and a whore, I tell the truth.

Goddamn mother, fucking right, Roseanne Barr.

Here you go again, here you go, you're just five star, you're better and better American.

Roseanne doesn't understand the fact that that when you start talking, you can't stop talking. I told you that I told you that you could. Were you, man, enough to control me? but no.

No, I'm not.

I'm like, every other man on the planet is being hit by a woman right now. Oh no, I have hit, man, let me, oh, I bet.

Let me have a couple minutes on that.

Yes, I have hit man and it was wrong. It was so wrong of me to have no goddamn self control with my goddamn anger issues and I hit him. But I was not as bad as my younger sister because she was a yoga instructor and had a waist and buttocks cheeks, which I did not have.

With all of us on your side, you're going to live in Canada for the rest of your life.

Poor Tom.

Aaron Belisle has now been waiting 11 minutes to respond Aaron, you're good, you're good, you're good.

Hold on a second, he's going to say, Oh shit, oh, he's taking your microphone too.

He's crossing the streams, everybody. Something great's about to happen here.

Aaron Taking.

This is one of those moments that every comedian.

I need to put three microphones on the Bluetooth for this next one. Here he goes. Texas is already giving me the blind confidence of an American. It's absolutely terrifying. I got accosted by a homeless guy who started threatening to kill me.

So I looked the deranged Sixth Street crackhead right in the eyes, grabbed my cane like a baseball bat, and I was like, OK, buddy, let's do this, let's dance.

Thankfully, Ty Rivera, my gay Latino bodyguard with face tattoos, showed up and beat the guy off.

You're a fucking icon. It's absolutely mind boggling to me. What a natural talent you are, especially only seven months in and fucking chasing this crazy American dream. Everybody loves you. you're a goddamn rock star.

Aaron Belisle.

Follow him on everything. It's spelled A-h-r-e-n, it's spelled French-Canadian, because his parents didn't want him to have a big following when he was a baby. Aaron Belisle B-e-l-i-s-l-e.

Again, that's a-h-r-e-n. There he goes, Aaron Belisle, one more time for Aaron, everybody.

And like that, back to the bucket, we go. Some poor, innocent, healthy-bodied soul has to follow that act right now and you're going to get to watch it. And he goes by the name of Drew Cragle, everybody, Drew Cragle.

Are you guys having fun out there tonight?

Somebody coming?

DrEW CRAGlE Ooh, someone's scared. Is he coming? Okay? the long walk of Drew Cragle. Everybody here he is.

One more time for Drew.

Diversity is deeply important to me. My girlfriend is Puerto Rican and my cat is a transsexual. You can blame the vets for that one. I, oh, shit, I wolfed that.

Horrible. So I connected, contacted the Austin PD immediately to see if they hire cats. Thank you, amen.

That was a long walk for a set like that, huh, Drew? We waited a long time for those tiny little legs to kick your way all the way up here. And then you do that act. I mean, wow, that was just fucking unbelievable. You have the face of a supervillain. How are you tonight?

Future Bond villain Drew Cragle Do I seem funny to you, James Bond?

Oh, no, you don't seem funny at all because of the what? because of the scar.

No, no, no, nope. I didn't even notice the scar until you pointed it out. I was talking about your overall demeanor and characteristics overall of your normal face. But yeah, what's the scar from? Uh, I faceplanted into a bar glass.

Into a bar glass Yeah, I was working at a bar. Um owner came up and said, like, Hey, we're having a party. Eat this fistful of pills. I black out. I try and be a nice guy, someone breaks a bar glass, I try and help. I faceplant into. It didn't work out super great for my face. So you're bad at two jobs. This is incredible. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for?

Uh, a few months now, a few months. What made you want to start this? Uh, just really liked every like. I like the idea of making people laugh. This seemed like the most direct. Have you ever done it before?

Uh, apparently at my own expense, but uh, but literally, like, can you give us an example of a time that you made, that you like? In the moment you said something funny in your entire life? How old are you? um, 29 29 years of experience in the field? Can you give us one example of you making a funny?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing incredible.

That bracelet you're wearing is that one of those ones that, like, turns into a rope if you untie it? No, no, okay, I was gonna suggest you hang yourself, but it's not gonna work. Uh, Tim Dillon, Have you ever seen anything quite this? Uh, unbelievably. Uh, I mean, listen, it wasn't the best.

Have you ever considered getting cerebral palsy?

You look because he looks like he's halfway there. Yeah, you got to just commit. You have bad posture and skinny wrists if you just bend one back and then, you know, I don't know.

Bend at the elbow a little bit. It wasn't great. Bend at the elbow a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't even do that.

You can't even play cerebral palsy. It's incredible, absolutely incredible. Drew. You're so incredibly unfunny tonight that I'm wondering. I have a conspiracy theory that people whose parents had a healthy relationship are unfunny. Are your parents happy and still together?

No, okay, when did they divorce? When I was very young? I'm on stepdad number two. Yeah, you should be a lot funnier.

This is incredible, this is actually inanimate. He might have just chose the wrong jokes. Is there a way we can have him do one more joke? Because sometimes people choose the wrong jokes? It's a good idea.

Yeah, it's a good idea. One more joke, you guys are cheering for it, so I think we might as well do it. Are you going to pull out your Walmart receipt and do another joke for us? I'll try and spitball something if that's all right.

Okay, who knows, this could be the one? He's going to spitball a joke and be funny for the first time in his life on a podcast in front of 350 people. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Drew Craigle. I have a running theory that I think my dad's actually quite good in bed, considering I have a stepmother.

The deal he gave to her was quite strange, He was giving her the same options that any other man would have given her. However, he was also saying also, here's a five-year-old child I would like you to raise.

Was that it? was that it? Uh, no, okay, keep going.

It's a very long setup, by the way. That's what the Red Band was implying. So that's nice, it's nice to think your dad can bring the thunder. Here's the pickle.

I am worried that my mom has given the same proposition to multiple men, considering I am on Stepdad number two, so I think she probably brings the Thunder in bed too. How many of you think we should light drew on fire right now?

I think you should go and really work it, really work it before you come back. You know, really? Have your one fucking minute like that's the end of the world that you can't even get one fucking minute, you know what? I mean? It took me a year to get five minutes because I worked it and worked it and worked it. And most comics are like that, right?

So go in front of your mirror, go to, you know, go to little places and then come back. But know your material and shorten the distance between your set-up and your punchline. You got good thoughts? Okay, thank you, I appreciate that.

Tim Dillon I would just add to that and say, muscular dystrophy.

No, I'm kidding. Everything Roseanne said is right. It's good ideas and good thoughts, but I think it's too wordy. Okay, yeah.

Yep, yep, and punchline-less, you know what I mean, like, it should be something in which has anything funny about it whatsoever.

Here's a little joke book can you catch? Probably not. There you go. Something went well for you in this seven and a half minutes.

There goes Drew Craigle, everybody.

We're going to go back to it. Thanks for coming.

That scar is disgusting.

I can't even read that, I don't even know what that says.

Jovan F. Zali.

Incredible.

Here he is, everybody. Jovan F. Zali.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude, I'm kind of tired of trying to hide it, dude. It's like, I'm an incel, bro, what do you want me to say? And I don't even know really what I'm doing wrong. I'm not that picky with women.

Like, you know, you got a little fucking yeast infection, brush it off where I'm from. You just call it a freaking athlete's pussy. It's fine.

And as an incel, I play a lot of chess, so I've been playing chess around the corner. And the other day I played chess with this African guy and he was like, All right, I sat down.

I was like, you want white or black? And he just looked, he's like, let's keep it simple.

And dude, he was good, he actually, he beat my ass, his strategy sucked, but he played really athletically, you know.

His pawns jumped really high and he actually broke my bishop's ankles. Dude, Yeah, yeah, so um, OK.

All right, good timing. There you go, there you go. Jovan F.

Zali, this is your second time on this show. I remember you. I remember you too. Very good. Oh, that's right.

I also remember that you immediately like, respond to stuff when people are about to do jokes. I forgot about that. You're famous for stepping on punch lines. Okie, dokie, there you go.

JOVAN, This was a much better appearance than last time for you. Am I correct? Yes, I think I thought so. It went a lot better.

Yeah, how long have you been doing stand up? two years? and what do you do for work?

Again, I sell like popsicles with the dirty jokes on the stick. That's right, you make your own popsicles in a stunning turn of events. these are the people that make your popsicles.

Guys that wear sweatpants that look like a bloated Johnny Depp, like Edward Sandwich hands or something like that. Yeah, incredible.

So we know about that. What did we not talk about last time you were on the show that you think might be interesting during the interview portion of this show? I don't know. We didn't talk that much about what it's like to be homeless a little bit. I live in a school, a short bus.

Yeah, I do believe he's another one of the regulars that we have on the show. It was back in New York, and yeah, I mean, I don't know.

It's your show, what do you want to talk about, dude?

Wow, I literally just asked you a fucking beach ball blow up question, and you respond with I don't know, dude, what do you want to talk about? I said, What did we not cover the last interview? You could literally fucking say anything.

You could do another joke, you could fucking tell a story. Can I ask you about being an incel? Because that's interesting?

How long have you been such? Probably ever since I started comedy, I've been pretty good at not having sex. Has that helped you with your comedy at all? I can't tell. Is that a thing that you guys experience?

Like, if you have sex, it makes you more good at comedy or worse at comedy. I don't know if that's a thing. It could work either way. Actually, I think, do you masturbate a lot?

Yeah, masturbation kind of runs in my family, so yeah, okay, there you go, see that.

What's it like living in a bus? It's not horrible, but it's not great. Shitting is kind of sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night. I gotta shit. I went to the emergency room the other day just to go to the bathroom.

I was shitting Whataburger.

Yeah, Jimmy, I would talk about it more, but it's your show. What do you want to talk about, Jimmy?

Now I've noticed both times you've been on, you've decided to go with sweatpants with pockets. Absolutely jam-packed with a ton of shit. It's incredible. Is this like a patented look of yours? Is this what you're going for? I always feel like a little sketchy wearing a backpack, so I just get what I need in my pockets.

Yeah, don't wear a backpack, please. It's a very bad idea, not a good idea. It is incredible. Is it so much cheaper to live in the bus versus just getting a shitty apartment with a couple of roommates?

I thought I didn't have to pay rent, I forgot all about gas and shit, but it's not horrible. It's like $200 a month to keep it running. That's good, but wouldn't a room be like seven? Yeah, but my popsicles don't sell that great, to be honest.

Why are you making popsicles?

What happened with that? I want to know what they're like. I love popsicles.

RoSEANne, I'm not going to let you try one of his popsicles.

I'm not going to be the one. Did you hear what happened to Roseanne? She ate a bad popsicle?

I'll let you drink, I'll let you smoke, but you ain't having one of this motherfucker's popsicles.

So you just started making them. do you make them different flavors like coconut? what's your best one? pink?

Wow, what flavor is that?

I don't really want to give away my secrets, but I respect you guys, so I'll do it. I'm going to tell you right now you are really safe. Yeah, I'm not giving away those secrets. Nobody in this room is going to start making popsicles from the retarded kid bus they live in.

That's no one's life plan right now.

The kid with cerebral palsy is like, Thank God, I'm not the guy that's on stage right now. You know, those little fun pops, like the tubes, I just cut those and I pour them in. I used to make them real fancy, like these Indian mango cold feed like creamy popsicles. Stop.

Where do you sell them?

Out of your short bus. Is that correct? No, I don't sell them out of the store, I make them in there, or I'll make them at a friend's house or some shit. And then I'll package them up. And then I have a little sealer. Dude, this is all the shit in Austin.

When it's organic, locally grown, it's all made in a bus.

No, but where do you sell them? I usually go to like the college, because sometimes there's like, hot college girls that'll, like, you know, pretend they want to blow you for a popsicle. Oh my god, that is, you are frightening dude. How much do they cost two dollars?

Per Popsicle, when you talk to your parents and they say, what's going on, do you tell them? They honestly thought it was a good idea, but I don't think they really thought about the logistics of, like, yeah, they thought it was a good idea.

They're like, Oh, that sounds like creative, I guess. Well, there goes Jovan, leaving in a short bus for Austin, Texas. He's got two pairs of sweatpants and a popsicle making machine. You said something really interesting that was my, I'm not getting rid of you.

That was my impression of your parents.

JOVAN You said something really interesting that you buy other popsicles, melt them and pour them into your popsicle machine. Did I catch that correctly? Did you say that at one point? Please tell me, because I have a hearing problem. And it's one of those moments where I'm really hoping that, like, the monitors aren't pointed the right way. And I couldn't have possibly have heard you say that. With the $200 that you need to make a month selling popsicles at $2 a pop, that your business model consists of you buying other popsicles from other places.

Your deductive reasoning is very good, Tony. So let's talk about this because this is one of. I'm here with two of the most successful comedians on planet Earth. And I want to know how much, how much. Because you have to buy better popsicles to make your fucking popsicles. So now I got to know what is your margin? I've learned this business model term recently from my brilliant friend Kyle.

I want to know what is your margin of profit?

They cost me like 17 cents each and then like with the steaks and the packaging, and I sell them for $2. So if I could get my numbers up, yeah, I'd be doing all right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about per fucking popsicle.

You sell it for $2.

You sell it for two, but how much are you really making? Have you done the math on the packaging and the other popsicles that you have to buy to make your popsicles? I'm going to say no.

I'm going to, I'm going to just do a wild guess here. There's not like graphs and charts in the bus, with like marketing budgets. This business model is incredible. Welcome to another episode of Retarded Shark Tank. Everybody, this is incredible.

Oh, that's the Shark tank music red band's on the money right now.

Wow, all right, okay. So then maybe this is a good chance for like advice like, What would you do when you were a young comedian?

You didn't really like having. Would you get a job? or would you? Just? I don't know. I got a job in the comedy world and I started writing jokes and offering them to people that were more famous and had the money to buy jokes. I tried to stay in the field of comedy. At no point when I was starting my career was I like, maybe popsicles is the fucking thing? I could just sling popsicles.

Dirty jokes on the stick So it's a little comedy. It feels like your life is so much harder. Let's hear one of the dirty jokes he puts on the sticks. Well, they're like popsicle jokes.

So don't judge me if they're not like the most original or creative. But it's like, whatever you do, it's going to be better than the last guy. It goes well. One of my favorites is like, Why did the Tomcat go to prison? Why? Because he got caught watching kiddie porn.

That, listen, listen, that's a fine, it's a fine joke. It's not worth being homeless.

Like, there's no dude. Just get a get a job as a bar back, a waiter, get a couple of roommates that are maybe comedians or whatever, live in like a shitty apartment. I feel like your life gets so much easier.

The jokes, the jokes on the popsicle. I want to give him my advice, you know, because I'm giving you advice as a mom or grandma, you know? Because that's how I see you. You know, I love you, and you remind me of my grandson.

How old are you? I'm 21, that's what my grandson is, too. You look, you look very much like him. And so I'm going to tell you like, I told my grandson, your mother has been a bitch since the day she was born.

No, I'm sorry, not that, not that.

But anyway, here's what I'm giving. But this is a whole different situation. No, I'm not done, I'm not done because I'm going to tell you the truth, you're funny.

You think funny and you're. You've got all the elements that you need to put it together. I think you need some more thought in putting it together. You know what I mean, yeah.

Focus You need more focus because there's a lot of funny in there and you need to. Here's how it goes.

Premise.

Punchline, No popsicle, that's right.

I don't know if you heard his popsicle business model, This motherfucker is not Jewish. he's making 17 cents on the popsicle. Roseanne. I knew it. A lot of people don't understand that the Jews have a lot of issues with Focus, PTSD and a lot of this kind of shit.

Plus, mental illness, ADHD and obsessive compulsive disorder. And the Holocaust didn't help at all either. Well, that didn't help. it must have sucked to have ADHD in the Holocaust. I'm thinking, like.

That's a good premise, that's a great premise, you see what I mean now. Get a punchline for it, bitch.

Yeah, yeah, you've got great premises. The bucket being an incel is the greatest premise of this century I've never heard.

Hey, has a woman ever beat your ass?

No, no, no, maybe that's the problem. Yeah, yeah.

Everybody who's been battered has been kind of killing. Jovan. You got a small joke book last time, huh? I got a big one? Oh, okay, perfect.

Then you're all good, what are you going to try to sell this like a fucking popsicle? Thank you guys, have a good one.

There he goes, Jovan Afzali, everybody.

Let's see if he responded. I was so confused. Didn't he buy a 12 cent popsicle and then sell it for $2? Thank you, he made a lot of money, right?

Both of them.

Back to the bucket, we go, you guys still having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Oh, you guys are ruthless tonight.

Sebastian Bortolomew That's a new name, I'm excited about this, that's a good, powerful name.

Sebastian BoRTolomew It's a long walk from obscurity here tonight. here comes Sebastian Bortolomew. Make some noise for him.

Good night everybody. How are we doing tonight?

I'd like to thank you all for being here tonight. You guys are making dreams come true. I think you guys are more selfless than we are. We're a very selfish people. I mean, you're here supporting a dream and you're okay, just sitting down and listening.

There's not too many people who listen, you know, who doesn't listen? Tim, he's a motherfucker, he's a rager.

You know, a roaster, and tonight I want to roast him. He's one of my comic heroes.

You're a motherfucker.

Not literally. We all know you like to fuck men, yeah, and that's honest. This entire medium is very honest, very honest.

You know, I want to be honest tonight, I've never seen you before, but you're a romantic. You're a romantic I am too.

I wear two watches, I'm a cowboy, I shoot from the hip, so does Angela. I met her.

She's going to be good, I hope she goes up. Tonight. I met Derek.

Wow, Sebastian in a stunning turn of events. I had such high hopes because he had the tie and Rosanne goes, he's dressed for it, he's got the name.

He's got the look, he's got two watches. Yet. He did not make time to write a single joke. He didn't write any jokes, no jokes at all.

I didn't say my name, my name is Sebastian Bartolomeo, it's Italian. I know you want to hear stories, Rosalyn, so let me tell you a story.

Sebastian, your time is up.

So how long have you been doing stand-up? SebAstian? Yesterday was my first night at Creek in the Cave. I love it. Do you live here in Austin? I just recently moved.

Where did you move from? I'm from both valleys, I'm from Los Angeles, and I'm from South Texas. 956. Remember that number? Wow? 956..

Remember that number? What is that? the airline you're going to fly into, a building or something? What ethnicity are you? Sebastian? I'm trying to figure it out.

Well, my mother's from Monterrey. Is anyone from Monterrey from where? Wait, from where Sebastian? Stop trying to do fucking crowd work right now.

You bombed, you ate it, you failed. That's how you're going to think about it when you wake up in the morning. I've got work tomorrow, so your mother is from where? Answer the questions cleanly and concisely.

MONTERREY, Mexico. Okay, there you go, Mexico is the answer we were looking for. How about your father? Los Angeles?

Very good.

So you're Mexican, but you want to be Italian? My great-grandfather was Italian, so that's a yes, all right. What do you do for a living, Sebastian?

A couple people know I'm a marketing development representative. Oh, God, you're possessed of Satan. Yeah, yep.

This is like if Sebastian Maniscalco developed a crack addiction for two years.

Yeah, it really is. This is incredible. Sebastian, tell us a redeeming quality about you. What's something likable?

Look out in the audience, instead of looking at us with a fucking death stare of a future serial killer, and tell us straight across Sebastian right there. Yes, like that, welcome to showbiz.

Tell us something that will make us like you. I'm very genuine.

That's usually the response. Are you good at anything? Do you have any special skills or talents? I'm a storyteller, I bet you are.

It already seems like it. Unfortunately, you have no stories in less than a minute. Okay, Sebastian, you're giving us nothing to work with here. What's shoved in your front pocket there of your jacket?

I made this while I was waiting. It's my business cards.

Okie, dokie.

What's his name?

Sebastian, Bartolomeo, Sebastian, I'm going to point Bartolomeo, I bet Sebastian, I'm going to break my rule tonight.

I love breaking rules.

You thought it was going to be easy, didn't you? bitch?

I bought a Lexus today. What I know you like Lexuses. Tim Well, it ain't easy, it ain't easy at all because you've got to have material which you don't have.

And you have to have timing which you ain't got.

And you've got to have something besides swagger. Yep, so go back to the drawing board and try again, don't give up, keep trying.

Go back and start again, baby killer advice. It doesn't get any better than that. There he goes, Sebastian Bartolomeo.

SeBASTIan Sebastian, Here's a little joke book. Oh shit.

It is incredible. Nothing worse than when they drop the joke book. That's the first time I've ever said that kind of nasty thing. Yeah, well, that wasn't nasty. I don't think I think that was on the money.

All right, it seems. Mentally, you know well, he's got a lot of swagger because he works in PR, yeah.