#615 - THEO VON

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe.

Com. He's always on the road, he's going on tour. Check out everything Golden Pony at tonyhinchcliffe.com, also Killmerch..com.

That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to Killmerch..com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Are you guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight? or what?

Make some noise for Red Band. Everybody, hey everybody.

You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by the Red Rose, The Yellow Rose Gel, Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which proudly presents the Kill Tony band. That you just witnessed, ladies and gentlemen, here in the live music capital of the world. That's the great Paul Diemer on the horns, John Dees on the keys, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and this is the one and only Dee. Motherfucking madness right over my right shoulder here, this is it. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

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Make some noise for our guest. It's the return of one of our favorites, a guy that I've been working with continuously for over a decade and a fucking half. We grew up together in a little incubation station called the Comedy Store, my brother from another mother, Theo Bond.

The best and here we go.

Yes, good evening and welcome.

Woo.

We've done this dance a few times, my friends. One of our favorite guests in the show's 10-year history. Theo Bond in Austin, doing sold-out theaters, filling up everywhere. He goes on tour theobond..com this past weekend. All of his Netflix specials, but most importantly, my comedy store slash straight-up comedy brother Theo Bond. How We Feeling.

Welcome back, say hi to these people, they love you. Oh yeah, good evening and yeah, thank you guys for having me in here.

I'm excited to be here tonight. Fuck yeah. Theo knows how it works. He's done the show many times, even back when it was in the belly room. But now over 200 people sign up, we have them all funneled. Actually, no longer in the alleyway.

An update is that they're all funneled into another bar now, right next door. It turns out the city of Austin didn't want 200 people in an alleyway, which is crazy because there's 800 people in other alleyways. But they really, for some reason, focused in on us.

Can't even make this shit up. It's unbelievable. The homeless, the fucking everything they're like, what about the creatives? what about these hopeful, hopeful people of their dreams? Let's stop this.

Anyway, so they're all crammed into a bar. I pre-pull a name, someone runs out to the next bar, gets a megaphone, literally says their name, they run out, they get behind the curtain, so I'm going to pre-pull that name. Now because we're actually going to start off with a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen fans of the show, I'm going to tell you that you already know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds.

You hear the sound of a kitten. They do uninterrupted standup comedy during that time, if they go over that time, they get the West Hollywood Bear, super super gay West Hollywood Bear. Happy Pride Month, everybody, by the way.

That cuts off their time, and then I interview them and we all find out more about them. We have a bunch of fun, we try to figure out what makes them interesting, what's fun about them. So you're not going to believe this. But Hans Kim, who normally starts the show, passed away this week.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I don't know, I don't know why I said that, no.

I'm sorry, sometimes the darkness just comes out of me.

No, it's worse. He went to South Korea, everybody, he's in South Korea, you can't make this shit up, he's in South Korea, and he's going to miss tonight's episode.

But in his place, it is the young man who very well might eventually replace him full time as a regular on this show. This guy was made a golden ticket winner five years ago when he was 21 years old in Houston, Texas. He's been crushing it ever since, just started getting more and more spots here at the Mothership. He's a fucking phenom.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the guys who I truly believe might be one of the great future comedians of our time, the great Enrique Chacon.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Enrique Chacon. Yo, yo, yo. What's up, motherfuckers? Fuck yeah, man, I'm from El Salvador, dog.

If you don't know where El Salvador is at, don't fucking worry about it. Dude, if you think it's in Mexico. You got me fucked up, bro. But yeah, El Salvador is real. Famous for pupusas, bro, to all my confused white people at the back, pupusas, you gotta love that shit. It's like an organic hot pocket, right?

And you can stuff it with whatever you want, bro, meat cheese, bro, tobacco, dude, it don't fucking matter, dude. It's a pupusa at the end of the day, man.

But every time I told white dudes the word pupusa, bro, they immediately think it's slang for pussy y'all, and it makes me so upset because it is.

A pupusa's kind of like a pussy, because, like I said, it's a warm pocket, right? And sometimes it makes us salivate, and sometimes there's a little cheese y'all.

All it means is that she's a hard worker, that's all it means.

Enrique Chacon One of the funniest 11-year-old girls in all of comedy. It is unbelievable. Just got my period. Tony, I love it, I love it.

Right out of your pupusa.

Got a little tomato dripping out of there, huh? Actually, me selling my pupusa $2 in the lobby, bro? It's cheap.

You are just such a little bundle of energy, I love you. Is it pronounced pupusa, pupusa, pupusas?

I always thought it was Puposa for some reason. Oh no, I don't know what Korean food that is.

I love it. And what do you eat? How do you get a shape like that? You eat a lot of ass and a lot of antibiotics, bro.

A lot of carbohydrates. Hell yeah, dude.

Biting on some nicotine pouches, these white dudes without teeth know, you know what I mean.

You eat nicotine pouches? Nah, nah, I just put them in my gums, bro. I've been doing that shit a lot ever since I started working at Buc-ee's. Dude, fucking white dudes got me into it, bro.

They got you hooked on? Yeah, they got me hooked. I tried dip at first, bro. But I'm not going to lie. I started throwing up like I was deep throwing somebody, dude, and that shit was terrible. I tried the little nicotine pouch, it was just nice and smooth. You know what I'm saying? It keeps me up, bro, keeps my nipples hard dog.

It's great. you are a sweet, sweet thing Enrique. you are just absolutely adorable. You have a girlfriend. Oh yeah, bro.

We've been together for four years. Clap it up for that, bro.

I'm actually thinking about marrying her in this podcast, dude, I don't know, bro, really. Four years. Is she El Salvadorian type?

Oh no, bro, she's six foot one and mixed. bro, my fucking wet dream son, what? she's six foot one and mixed.

I'm talking about, I feel like a motherfucking conquistador up in this bitch, bro.

He reminds me of a young Roseanne Barr, Yeah.

Goddamn Roseanne Barrio.

I'll take it, dog, I'm still fuckable.

I love it. Six foot two mixed, and when you say mixed, you mean like, black and white, yeah, black and white, bro, wow.

It's always been my thing. She has, like the curly hair, curly hair, bro, damn, I know.

I'm living the fucking dream, son. Oh my god, all you white dudes dating white women bro, you want to get your shit together? get a mixed girl bro.

I'm telling you, dog, wow, what happens?

Just changes you bro, makes you brave dude. Okay, God, I love it. Six foot one.

Wow, sixty nine with her, and you're eating her out and she's sucking on your kneecap or something like that. She's sucking on this belly button, bro, so we're both eating pussy pupusas.

Oh my goodness, and you're actually thinking about marrying her? Oh yeah, dude. What does she do for a living? She owns a pharmaceutical company, bro.

She's a bad bitch, I'm telling you, bro, owns a pharmaceutical company. She's a real ass drug dealer. Bro, got me a good one, bro.

Oh shit, she owns a pharmaceutical company. Competing, Yeah, what do you mean?

Competing like, I mean, is she up there? is she Moderna? She's calling the fucking shots bro. Is this on Facebook Marketplace?

Not yet it's on CVs, though. Whatever the shit that she has, bro, dermatology shit bro, shit vaginal creams and stuff, bro.

Y'all know, is she making? She's making good money? Oh yeah, she's making good money, dude.

And I work at a buggy's. That's incredible, that's incredible. Honestly, I don't know how I pulled her, bro. I think that's my greatest achievement, bro.

Getting a bad bitch like that dude she owns. I can't believe a guy shaped like you needs a sugar mama, but oh, I get a lot of sugar, she's going to put you in a diabetic coma, dude.

That's what's going on. Working at Buggy's Look at you, You look more and more like the logo for Buggy's every day.

Sheep monk.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Let's fucking go.

There he goes, I'm opening that shit. Future legend, current legend, you guys got to see him live.

Follow me at Enrique Comedy, Love y'all, Enrique Chacon, Everybody Enrique put that mic on the red X for me. Will you? Okay? We pre-pulled a name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian? We're going to meet them all together now. For those of you that might not know anything can fucking happen, this could be we discover a legend, or it could be a completely insane fucking person that, you know, we all feel might kill us at any moment. But anything can happen.

We give everyone a fair shot here, so here we go. Your first bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. Time goes to Kyle Roberts, everyone.

Kyle.

Make some noise for Kyle Roberts everybody making his Kill Tony debut.

I'm woke.

I'm woke y'all. I don't use any gendered language, for instance, I used to work at a restaurant. I don't call them bus boys, I call them Guatemalans.

The other day, a woman accused me of toxic masculinity. I said, Thank you.

Because that was the first time anyone said I was masculine.

A lot of gay rumors.

A lot of people think I'm gay, and I call those people the guys I have sex with.

Fuck yeah, absolutely. Kyle Roberts.

Welcome to the show my friend. Very good. How long you been doing stand-up? Three years, three years?

All of it here in Austin, Texas, two years in Dallas. I moved here last summer. Lovely, lovely.

How do you survive? What do you do for work? I work at Chewy's Tex-mex. Oh, wow, nice.

A lot of fans here. Hell yeah, yeah, that's a chain, right? Yeah, yeah.

I work in the one on William Cannon. Oh, ok, well, if we ever want to have some Chewy's, Chewy's will come to you, William Cannon drive.

What would the proper exit be for that William Cannon drive? But I mean, like, what freeway? I don't know the names of freeways, you don't know the closest freeway to where you work.

I can barely MoPac. Thank you, thank you Deez, thank you so much.

Deez is my GPS and my DMX at the same time.

That's a little, John. That's so racist that you just said, What racist as fuck, You're so racist. I've never seen anything that racist in my life. Deez.

Than you getting DMX and Little John confused.

OK, Kyle, I love it. What do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has some creepy hobbies. Oh yeah.

I like this is I like watching like.

Statistics and stuff, so like, I read the Almanacs and stuff like that.

I know I also like golf. OK, all right, what's your love life like?

Are you really gay? No, Ok, yeah, you just do a bunch of jokes about being gay.

Basically, yeah, my brother, I'm right there with you. I've lived for 16 years.

Off of this, I actually, I ain't never going to stop.

I have a new, I wrote a new one this week. it's like my magnum opus gay joke. I wrote it basically last week. But do you catch yourself saying you're never going to stop all the time?

Never that was. I literally was about to say, and I'm never going to stop. And then I switched it. Because I'm like, these fucking idiots know what I'm talking about.

OK, Kyle, tell us something about you that would surprise us. So I actually earlier this year I got arrested. I was totally sober, though, I swear to God, right?

Yeah, you're just driving, reading an almanac and swerving all over the place. Yeah, I've been sober six years, but I got a DUI like four months. Explain to us how you got a DUI while being completely. So I don't want to like incriminate myself.

But come on, come on, you can't get in trouble here. Been over six months. Yeah, yeah.

Phones are locked up, so I'm going to be on the internet. I mean, I was doing Uber Eats, I can't do it now because I got a charge. But yeah, I was like, I guess I was like, I, you know how?

Like, flash, I didn't know this, I'm not a good driver, I didn't know, like flashing reds.

You were supposed to stop, so I just like plowed through it. Wait a second, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, what, what did you think? Flashing red meant? I thought I'd just stop, yeah.

Slow down a little bit, look around stopptional.

I thought they were basically the same thing, what? Yeah, I like, yeah.

I'd never like, really like, took a driving course. So like, you're supposed to, it's like the law and stuff. Yeah, I went to one of those third party things.

They were just like, Fuck it, you got a license, wow, third party, you look like you wouldn't be invited to any party.

That's incredible that you got invited to three.

Actually, the last person I got a number from some girl at my job therapist, I could use that.

But she was way too young, She was, what? way too young, like, What do you mean?

You're going to have to reframe some of your. I mean, I didn't have a problem with it. She probably had a problem with how old I was, but she was, no, no, not like that.

What do you mean? What do you mean? what? Yeah, dude, you sound like a real creep.

And it's OK, you're not a bad guy. Thank you. thanks, Theo. Do you take her out for lunchables?

Like, what was the day? Well, she ordered a Shirley Temple, which I thought was a bad sign. Oh shit.

Whoa, how old was she? Seventy five?

She's too young for him, he's into very old ladies. Oh yeah, oh my goodness, where did you meet this super young girl?

I waited on her, she was my table. Oh my goodness, wow, wow.

Yeah, that was the first time I've had dudes like, give me their number. that was the first girl that ever gave me the number. Oh yeah.

Oh, my goodness, that is incredible. So how did you know how old she was? Well, I texted her afterwards and she asked me, She thought I was 19..

I was like, Uh, I lied about my age, but I didn't lie that much. I said I was 25, so I don't know how would you lie about your age? Dude, you're a straight male.

I don't hold on a second wait. You lied to her about your age, Yeah, but I didn't lie enough, I guess.

How old are you? We're going to solve a crime here tonight, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen entering the room. CHRIS HANSen Everybody, how old are you in real life? I just turned 30, you just turned 30, and she texted you would text her, then she texts back, How old are you?

Yeah, and I was like, Guess, I was hoping, Oh, that's so gay. Oh my God, it should ever.

That's even worse than lying about your age is saying, guess before you lie about your age, guess because you're not going to be right.

No matter what you say, oh my goodness, okay, all right. So it ended there.

Basically, how old was she? Did you find out? She was 20, which isn't that bad, but like she seemed like a young 20? I was being the bigger person.

I thought I was being, maybe you think, maybe she was lying about her age. It's possible. Wow, this is frightening and disgusting. I love it.

Okay, what's the biggest age gap that you've ever had with a girl older than you? Older? Yeah, never older.

Never older, that's something you're not into, just happened that way. Have you ever, like, made out with a cougar? No.

Never no. Is there a cougar in the audience that's willing to make out with this guy who wants to make out with a come on? There's got to be one ladies, there's got to be a fan of the show willing to fuck it.

Oh, no one wants to admit they're a cougar, okay? Is there a hot chick over the age of 35??

Come on, the whole crowd will go crazy. If you do it, you'll make our night. No one wants to make out with an almost pedophile.

What's going on here tonight? what's going? What kind of world do we live in? All right, dude? The street continues for you. Congratulations though.

I liked your jokes, big, Awesome Joke Books by the Great Bonsai, available at Killmerch..com. The show goes on, rolling along smoothly, one more time for Kyle Roberts. Everybody.

This is the craziest show on planet Earth. Your next comedian that was free pulled out of the bucket works here at the Comedy Mothership. She gets pulled out a lot. Ever since Vulcan Gas Company, she's worked at the club where the show happens.

One of our favorite top young rising comedians in the world, here's a new minute from the Great Genevieve. Everybody, it's Genevieve.

Restructure out at the old ball game one more time for Genevieve, everyone.

Hey, y'all, give it up for me cause I just recently came out as Bi.

Polar.

Good night.

It's cool dating a white dude. dating a white dude feels like 50 reparations and 50, damn, he got me.

It's cool dating white dudes, though, because he blocks me from bad white people, and I block him from the sun.

That's been my time. Y'all, thank y'all so much.

Feel fucking amazing, man, you kind of look like a country Clark Kent type. Situation not to rose, but I'm just saying I was complimenting, thank you.

Very fun Genevieve, I love what you're talking about. It is true white boyfriend.

Where do you meet a white at? Or whatever? I know, they're so scarce.

Just pick them outside.

I love it, Genevieve.

Always, always, always a great new minute. Loved the bipolar joke, love the white guy, black guy stuff.

Oh yeah, no, that's my own note, though. You had a white. No, you had a white. I wanted to ask you, Have you ever had a black boyfriend?

I once dated a 50 year old when I was 26.

That's what I was trying to get out of the last comedian, but he's never had anything like that before. What was that like? It was cool for a little while, but then I found out that he tricked me. We were both truck drivers and I didn't know that.

He was depending on me to keep trucking and I had goals to get out and do comedy, so I was like, this ain't going to work. He wanted to keep you in the truck with him, yeah.

That is interesting. So like, you guys, yeah, you guys. And he was a long haul trucker, his dick was big. Oh damn.

Would you guys ever do things to each other? While the truck was in motion, I used to have nightmares that the truck was in motion and then I woke up and then I had night daydream nightmares. Because I'm like, he's old as fuck.

What? What were some of the physical downfall or tribulations that you went through with an older man? Can't pee directly in the toilet.

Oh, yeah, that's a big one. And there was a toilet on the truck. No, he, you know, guys have an easy truck driving. They could just whip it out and pee and just avoid cops, that's all.

Pee and avoid cops That's all you got to do. whip it out and avoid cops. You just stop the truck, get out and pee outside sometimes while it's rolling.

I'd imagine, I'd imagine if you had trouble making it. Yeah, I believe it was the great.

Fred Durst That once said, Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. what? keep rolling, rolling, rolling. It could have been kid rock. I might be pulling at John Dee's right now and getting my white guys mixed up.

Well, I know you'll be loving this shit right here.

So you stop it, I'm not, I'm not going into Limp Bizkit tonight. No, no, it's not happening, all right.

Genevieve, I love your style, I've seen you do so many new minutes, you're very lucky.

For how many people have always been signing up? It's incredible. I feel like the universe here in Austin wants you to be doing standup comedy and you're originally from Detroit, right? Detroit.

How far is that from Royal Oak, Michigan? Very not far, very not far. Okay, all right, Carmen Sandiego.

What does very, not far mean? It's like, 15 minutes, okay, and you're from Detroit, you have family there and stuff.

Have they ever seen you perform in a massive theater there?

Well, I am doing the Royal Oak fucking some crazy theater. I'm about to add another show, it's happening in the beginning of August. you want to open up that show for me in your hometown?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm flying Genevieve back home.

To perform in a giant venue, I can't remember what the name of it is. What is it?

Huh.

Sure, you want a notebook. Don't you already have one? What are you selling them on the black market?

That is going to be.

Yeah, the Royal Oak Music Center, August 12th. And if she has a passport, she might as well come to Genevieve, Come back, get Genevieve back out here.

Genevieve step up to that microphone. Do you have a passport?

You do get back on that microphone, it turns out the night before. I have to do two shows in the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto, Canada. You want to do those two? Hell yes.

Sold out theaters.

Oh, yes.

Is David back there? Yeah, is he back there? No, okay.

Make some noise for your next comedian. I pulled out of the bucket a second ago. This is definitely his first time on the show. I would know if I've seen this name before, make some noise for Matt the W.

Matt the W.

I'm between religions.

Right now, I'm between the Jews, the Catholics and the 5 Nation of Islam, which believes white man is the devil. Honestly, I'm leaning kind of towards the nation. I don't think I'm going to get that big of a role in any other religion.

I'm not on Tinder, but I am on Facebook market.

I recently matched with this girl, I thought it was going to be a date, she thought she was buying a television.

Spent half an hour twisting my nipple trying to change the channel.

AI technology is nuts, They just came out with a new, notorious B.I.G song. Me and my friend discovered this website where you type into an AI OK, write a funny paragraph, and it's the most racist shit you ever heard.

We laugh our asses off, then you go write a funny rap, the most anti-semitic stuff. It's so funny. But it also comes in handy because I'm not too good at talking to girls.

So I'll just write, type a sexy paragraph, send it, she'll send back you creep, I'll type into AI, type an apology.

And it worked.

All right, that's Matt, the W. Everybody over his time. Hello Matt, Hello Tony, welcome.

This is your first time on the show, right? first time? Very nervous. OK, all right.

And plus the down syndrome, I'm sure, is affecting you deeply, right? You know, that doesn't affect the set as much as you think it would. It actually helps, I know, and the hat hides some of it.

It does, it does. Got that whoa, whoa, all right.

There it is. I wasn't joking about the Nation of Islam. I'm really a member, so if you guys want to join.

I love it, Matt the W. So are you upstate, New York or New Jersey, Long Island? Oh, wow.

You might have guessed Wide Island look at you, Matt the W, So you're just visiting? No, I live here.

I moved here in February. What made you move here in February? Honestly, my buddy was telling me he was moving down here, he said. You know, I need another roommate, and so I hopped on the opportunity to move out of my parents house.

Oh, you were in your parents house. Still? Yes, OK, how old are you?

About to turn 28 in two days? 28. So you've always lived with your parents? Oh yeah, OK.

And you love it. I hated every second of it, but I had to. What else are you going to do when you have no money, OK?

Why don't you have any money? Fast food worker and dropped out of school. If anyone's watching this, please go to school. You don't want to work at McDonald's.

There you go, wise words from Matt the W. Everybody. If we could clip that.

If we could just clip that, it could be the ad for this episode. Have you ever thought about upgrading to an AppleBee's or something? Honestly, they won't take me, so why won't they take you? What do you need to work at Applebee's that you don't have?

First off, don't be a member of the Nation of Islam. They won't hire you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I stopped paying attention for one second and I looked up. You were talking about Islam again. What's going on over here?

A lot of my favorite rappers are in the Nation of Islam, so I'm aware that white people are considered the devil in the nation of Islam. So I'm just happy to take on the role and do my part for the Black people. What wait, are you being serious?

Is this a comedy character that you're doing? D-Madness loves it, by the way. I'm pretty sure I'm slowly finding out that he's one of the Black Israelites that's out on....

No, but.

No, what is it about what is where is Nation of Islam?

That is good. Can we find? Can we find that on? I'm gonna ask my GPS DMX Lil Jon over here. Do you know where the Nation of Islam is located?

That's in Iran or Chicago.

So what is this thing that you do? Do you believe this? Do you have any Black friends? I have one or two, okay?

You have one or two, though, right?

So let's do some math here Do you have one or do you have two name? What's the first one's name? We know you have one.

What's his name? My first one's name is my first...

It's shaky territory, folks. Wow, dude, fast food, slow answers, You know what I'm saying, All right?

I said it, good order, I'm sorry. Can you repeat that number two?

That's a large fry. His, for the record, his name is Loloco Loloco. I'm sorry to break the news to you.

That's a Mexican.

Dude, I'm totally black, yo soy el negro.

You guys are making me homesick, just like him. Wow, amazing, I love it.

No, we're glad you're here. It's hard to do. Yeah, going up for your first time, it's a tough thing to do, man. And I thought you did a pretty good job, you know, especially with you guys, you know?

When I heard Tony was doing this, I actually first saw you on getting dug with high, Okay, so when I heard you're doing Kill Tony, I was like, like, I recognized you. I was like, Oh my god, okay.

Okay, you're doing something for the culture, okay, oh my god, it is Pride Month.

It is, it is true, this is my month.

And we're doing our parade and it starts downpouring on us. God is just like, Fuck you.

Splash All right, so Matt, let's talk about it. Craziest thing about you. What do you think is the craziest thing?

We think, but we want to know, we want to know what you think. Um, you know, I'm, I'm your average guy from Long Island. I, Uh, no, you're not.

No, what?

Oh, for one so far, let's see.

Uh, being from Long Island, uh, when I, when I was a kid, uh, just going in school, I was a terrible stage fright, get over the stage fright. And comedy ended up being that thing, surprisingly. And, uh, just moving forward in comedy. Going from sucking to being all right to what you just saw, you know, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What part?

Hold on, where do? What do you think just happened? From sucking to going all right to what we just saw, I thought we saw the suck.

No, well, the second bit was good, I think it was all right, yeah.

Matt the W. Uh, why? Matt the W. Why is that your name? Uh, it's my rap name. Wait you rap.

We're going to find out. I have a feeling Matt the W might have a calling. Anybody that still works in fast food, I think, has a fucking.

Oh, shit, right into the tip of that mic, good and loud, yeah, kind of rap, where we move banana fast.

Let the hammer pass so much could teach a masterclass. Yeah, I'm about my cash back with another smash better than the last.

Put y'all on blast. They don't like us. Guess we too righteous? I got it on the minor, so I had to jack the price up.

Who's more sketchy? All the customer was getting money, the other moving funny. Oh yo, I'm the joke. Craft a flow.

Cast a smoke master show Smash up yo post disaster.

When they pretend to be my friend, the night standing toe tag, Yeah, host disasters, yo when they try to be my friend.

Wow.

We found your talent, you're a rapper. Yeah, I think you're going to wrap the rest of your life.

Burgers at burger joints Yeah, that was good burger, biggie mac, biggie mac, yeah.

No, it's really weird, cause, like before I came up here, I was on the phone with my grandma. She has a whole different opinion on me than you guys. What's your grandma? what's your grandma say about that?

We can get rid of her easy, yeah.

She just says, You know, Matt, keep hitting the open mics, keep going to shows. You're so funny. That's what you got to do, she says. Don't get a tattoo.

She's right, don't get a tattoo. That was the next thing out of my mouth.

All right, you're a brave dude, man, no doubt. Matt the W. You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book from the Great Bonsai.

There he goes, Matt the W, everyone.

Congratulations, Matt.

All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Daniel Velasquez. Everybody here we go, we're going to meet them all together.

Daniel Velasquez.

Hell yeah, what's up, man? My favorite part about being crippled is that I could lie to you and you sort of, like, have to believe me, right?

Like, you saw people that got hurt in Iraq, but like, now it's time. I was crippled after getting the Covid vaccine.

It's fun, dude.

I don't really date disabled women, though, because gross.

Right, like, there's nothing personal. There's just like something about like, bagging a non-disabled chick that, like, makes me feel like I beat God.

It's cool, man.

I'm dating right now, my girlfriend's cool, she gives me like nicknames a lot, but she like, gives me like disabled nicknames.

Like, she calls me like speed racer.

And then she, like, refers to my legs, like the twin towers.

The fuck up thing is, I'm kind of into it, honestly.

But then one time she did, like, take it a little bit too far, man. She just went like, I want you to fuck me so hard that I walk with you tomorrow.

Oh, he just doesn't stop. And then I came harder than I ever have in my life, man. Yeah, abso-fucking-lutely going out on his own terms.

Absolutely incredible. The Kill Tony debut of Daniel Velasquez. Welcome. Hey, what's up Tony hell?

Yeah, good to see you buddy. good to see you man. How long you been doing? Stand up?

About two and a half years. Okay, absolutely, I love it all here in Texas. Yeah, just out of San Antonio, man.

I love it. That's where you're born and raised. Yes, sir, that's why you lean to the right, Yes, sir.

We got the number one pig baby.

Yes, sir, I didn't get the laugh, I thought I was going to laugh. He leans to the right, like, politically and physically. Thank you.

Thank you so much, thank you. Okay, yeah, you can take that. It's actually not as good as your jokes.

Just keep doing what you're doing. Daniel No, it is, it is. So what do you do for work?

Right now I'm unemployed. I used to be a news producer for a local station, but I'm actually getting ready to move to Austin pretty soon. I love it. Congratulations, you have a place picked out.

Yeah, me and a couple other comedians are coming up here pretty soon, a couple months from now, so yeah, we're excited. Man. Wow, I love it. It's a crew of you and San Antonio comedians coming.

Yeah, a couple guys that I think are really, really funny that are coming up, so I love it. Yeah, okay, cool, and you've been doing it two and a half years.

You're unemployed right now. How are you surviving if you're unemployed? How are you making big moves? You know, I'm really good, you're a disabled person like, you have to adapt.

Whether it's comedy or making money. Oh, d-madness just made a noise like these disabled people are bitches, dude. He literally was just like,....

He made a horse noise, I've never heard him make this noise before.

D Born without the ability to literally see is like, stop your bitching.

I fucking love this man.

Amen, baby, I caught you making a noise under your breath, dude. That is so funny. That's just because to show you there's like, the hate never ends, you know what I mean?

Just a disabled guy just trying to speak some truth and d-madness is like, Fuck your shit. No, there's nothing wrong. there's nothing worse than like a struggling disabled person, right?

Like, for sure, like that's why, like, for me, like before, I did comedy. Like I was heavily involved in the Paralympics. Okay, what were you doing in the Paralympics? First of all, if you don't know what that is, it's like the regular Olympics, but funnier, absolutely.

No, it's hilarious, it's like the funniest, like that's the special Olympics, right? But yeah, I was a, uh, right.

The Paralympics is the kind of funny version. Yeah, right, I was a it's like the....

I'm not gonna say all right, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna hate for no reason. Yeah, the kind of funny version I was a, uh, I was a sprinter man for....

Oh my god, oh my God, beat your ass in a race. shut the hell up, you would beat my ass in a race.

I think, so, honestly, oh dude, let me tell you something, bro, let me tell you something, dude. I would show you might think, Oh, Tony's funny, but he'll probably show some mercy on me.

He'll probably jog a little bit and then let me catch up. Nope, motherfucker, I will leave you in the straight up fucking dust dude bro. calm down dude.

No, I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not let a guy he's wobbling around.

Wobbling around, talking, Shit bro, dude, wearing a fucking diaper and shit, it ain't happening, dude, bro, God wrote his legs in cursive, dude.

Give him a break.

That's why he shouldn't be challenging.

I'm sorry for my friend athletes.

Yeah.

Listen up Times, New Roman.

You guys are cute together. Yeah, we would be, we would be cursive and a capital. I come together at once.

All right, guys, that's enough.

We've done enough picturing this race. Where did y'all get that bell chime thing? Unbelievable. It's just him running in slow motion, I'm in normal motion in the video.

That's his normal pace, all right, didn't you? Did you win the Paralympics? What do you guys win?

Like chocolate coins or something like that. How many feet did you go?

No, dude, that's kind of the worst part for that for like, 16 years. And then I went to one world championships and won bronze. Like, you know how weird it is, like, train your whole life.

And then, like, you're not even the best disabled person. That is true, that is true, like, that's a real stain on my family's name, yeah.

I love it, Daniel. What else are you into? You seem like a really, how old are you? 27.?

You seem like a cool fucking guy. What else tell us more about you? This is an incredible first impression you're leaving here.

Yeah, man, I mean, I like my whole thing is like when you're disabled, like everybody. Like, no matter what, my first judgment is gonna be how like I walk and how I look. So like, I always want to live a life bigger than that if I can.

And so, yeah, that's the whole thing, man.

Hold on, he's, he's talking about 10 items or less, and they make the state give him that job.

So.

But still, it counts. Baby, he could get a job at the Applebee's. I bet yeah, no man.

Yeah, I think you did a great job, man. Congratulations on making the move up to a city where you can do more comedy. Man, that's awesome. Thank you so much. And you've been doing it two and a half years.

When are you planning this big move to Austin, Texas? When's it going down? Two weeks from now, man? Two weeks from now? Yes, sir.

You think you're gonna go back to visit sometime? Of course. Yeah, it's only an hour away. Yeah, I know this sounds crazy because I just met you and I've only seen you do one minute of stand-up comedy.

But if you want, I'm gonna give you a fucking little five-minute guest spot August 18th at the Tobin Center in San Antonio, Texas. Hell yeah, we'd love that. Fuck yeah. Is that a good venue?

You better have four more minutes, four more minutes, four more minutes.

I just saw John Mulaney there. Yeah, you're gonna be on that fucking stage. Fuck yeah, let's go, dude, let's go, you got it.

Daniel Velasquez, August 18th.

And take a big joke book ready Paralympics?

How loud can this place get for Daniel Velasquez? Everybody right there, baby boy, yeah.

That was beautiful, it was beautiful. That's the type of magic that happens here. One second, you have a fast food worker that can barely rap. The next dreams come true. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

You guys are at a little bit of a wacky episode. I didn't realize I didn't find out that Hans Kim was in South Korea until five minutes before the show started. I found out 15 minutes into the show that David Lucas isn't gonna make it tonight. So to overcompensate as a special treat, here to work out a new bit. Live in front of you. The man that moved me here, Austin's own Ron White.

I shit my pants on the golf course today.

Let me walk you through that.

I got back from California, had a stomach virus, but I promised I would play in a charity event and I fucking showed up for it. And I felt like that. If I farted for like 15 minutes, I would be about good pressure wise, right? I'd be bloated and I felt the fart coming, but it wasn't. And here's the deal.

Here's the problem with being 66 years old, you know, that shut off valve that you got down there. It's slower than it used to be, not by much a 16th of a second. And it sends a signal to your brain that says, you're about to shit your pants.

But the fact of the matter is, you've already shit your pants.

Straight down, both legs of my brand new Lulu lemons.

Yeah, that's the great Ron White, everybody. That is how you fucking do it. Just a little clinic from the surgeon general of stand-up comedy.

Austin's own Ron, motherfucking white.

I was all cozy up in the green room, waiting to see how these shrooms are going to land.

And Yoni came up there and pulled me off the bench. He goes, nobody showed up, go do it. What an honor. And it's literally all because of this man that everything is happening.

Showed Joe around when Joe came to visit and they rolled out the red carpet. When I came to visit, we told everybody and so this is where it all started.

I swear to God, it all leads back all the red fucking yarn leads back to Ron White in the middle of this revolution in beautiful Austin, Texas. And I gotta tell you on a personal note, this club has meant so much to me. Because I was ready to quit and it wasn't really. I just didn't like doing stand-up anymore, but I just couldn't travel anymore after 38 years. And this place gave me a place to come and just play with my craft. With some great comics and also providing opportunities for these young comics to come out and make a name for themselves.

It's all unbelievable. And also to have Kill Tony broadcast right out of Austin, Texas, the funnest show. Amen, baby. And I sit up in that balcony on Monday nights and watch the show because I think it's the most entertaining thing going on.

I always say that having Ron White watching this show from the balcony is like having Jack Nicholson watching the L.

A Lakers? It's the coolest thing on planet Earth. One of the great honors of my life is being friends and getting to be peers with the great Ron White ladies and gentlemen. He did this as a gift to all of us.

Make some fucking noise for Ron White.

Fritch, Texas He's from Fritch, Friedrich, Friedrich. he's from....

Frederick Frederick, No, he's from Fritch.

Okay, little Wikipedia moment there, I had no idea. All right, we're going back to the bucket now. You think this next person can follow the momentum of Ron White, huh?

Let's see anything can happen, we've already seen a miracle here tonight, let's see if it can happen again. Make some noise for straight out of the bucket.

We're going to meet them all together. Colton James, everybody, Colton James.

Here we go, come on, make some noise for Colton. everybody, come on, thank you.

Going bald's not a crime. Good people talk to you crazy when you're bald. The other day, this guy walked up to me, we weren't talking before this and he said, Hey man, be honest with me.

What's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off?

That's crazy. You could only say that to me, right? You could never walk up to I don't know a trans woman and be like, Hey, sister, be honest with me. What's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off? It would be inappropriate to say.

That's what I'm saying, be really mean.

The other day, I went to sports clips and it took him 45 minutes to give me a haircut. This haircut. not. This wasn't a few years ago. I asked my friend, she's in school.

We take a little extra time so he doesn't feel like he's as bald as he really is.

CoLTON James Welcome, it's actually Colton Jones, but I appreciate the attention. Absolutely. You have shitty handwriting, that's what that is.

That's how the show works. If you have shitty handwriting, even just for a second, that your name is totally different. I'm left-handed, but I got an A in penmanship when I was in eighth grade. So, you know, wow, look at that.

It's the education system. We're still great in penmanship in the eighth grade. So okay, all right, Colton, Okay.

Relax, Colton. I'm not saying that you're a serial killer, but you got to look, if you were a serial killer, how would you kill people? I would play one on TV and then commit the exact same crimes while I was doing it. So everybody would think there was a copycat and it wasn't really me.

Oh.

Wow, watch out. That was the fastest answer all night that we've gotten to a question. It was unbelievable. You've really pictured this.

Yes, yes, oh my, oh my, oh my God. oh my God. It's good. Yes, yes.

All right, all right, Colton, you're very loud. What do you do? For work? I get a paycheck from Brian Redband to weigh tables. Actually, really.

At the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Oh my goodness.

And also I act, I also do comedy, I do a lot of Uber driving during the day. I'd like to get a barista job, barista.

You know, just something during the day I can get off at like 4 p.

M.

Barista Because my handwriting is, that's hilarious, barista, barista is that you should go in and say I would like to be a barista.

Barista Okay, Colton.

I've never seen someone that's both charming and frightening before. Somehow you pull off both. Thank you, it's incredible. What's your love life like?

I feel like you make a lot of eye contact. Okay, you go ahead right now. I want the answer before I'm done with the question, I want you to just get right into it.

I have more consensual sex than anyone in this room is probably thinking that I have. I think I do pretty good for myself. I can't I get the feeling that you like, have them sign something before the way you say consensual.

You just have them sign something like, I can do anything I want to, and then you just fuck them.

Nope.

When you say you've had more consensual, what does that mean to you consensual sex? I just feel like people see a doughy guy, light hairline. You know, it's going away on me, but like you said, I'm both charming and frightening. And I, you know, I can make it work, I can make it work.

How do you do that? Can you explain to us how you make it work? I ask a lot of you questions.

Kind How many you questions do you ask before you brutally rape somebody?

I'm kidding, shut up with your groans. yeah, after all we've been through, you guys are going to start groaning now, yeah.

It would be fine if I raped somebody. Okay, is that not what you were saying? No, okay.

Sorry, I misunderstood, no. A lot of people trying to make me an accessory to a crime tonight. I don't know if you guys are watching it.

People have been finding out how much money we've been making lately and they're going in for the fucking old Suey McGooey over here. I did actually play a serial killer on TV once you did what show?

Murder Made Me famous, It shows on the Reels Network. I was, I was the son of Sam Killer. Wow. Was it a reality show?

No, it's like.

Got you?

I got you good on that one. Oh, he really did. I got him. He hurt my feelings and made y'all laugh. Yep.

Mr. Jones and me, I played the son of Sam, but I had to wear a wig, okay?

All right, you were son of Sam Who, the son of Sam, he was a guy like 80s Brooklyn.

He was, you know, he really originalized, like the lover's lane killer, you know? He just walked up to, like a young couple making out in a car and just got them both up. You make it sound like it was adorable. Yeah, I thought it was like, son of Sam Walton or something.

No, they're responsible for even more deaths.

He always gives just enough compliments. I want to read your pamphlet. I think you look beautiful, that's a fucking. I've never seen a guy better looking in my life than this.

I will correct myself immediately because in eighth grade I had good penmanship, okay?

This is my first time, your first time. I'm going to tell you what I like your style. Here's a big joke book. Look how amazing these things are getting on a new level every week from the Great Bones.

I there you go, Hey Colton, I'd love you to do the secret Show Thursday.

Make some noise for you.

Karen Jones, Everybody, Karen Jones. we're literally going from Colton Jones to Karen Jones. Oh yes, let's fucking go.

Make some noise for Karen Jones. Get your ass over there. come on, make some noise for Karen, everybody.

These people wait all night for this.

Which was news to me because I thought Karen was the new dick.

My name is Karen, and I'm thinking, finally, Woman's Liberation achieved something they have replaced Dick with Karen.

Which is good, and we liked it that they made more money than us, because who do you think got that money?