#627 - ROSEANNE + DAVID KOECHNER

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad..tv. All our Merch can be found for Kill Tony at Killmerch..com. Tony's on a brand new tour, he's going all over the place, so check out tonyhinchcliffe..com for everything, Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called The Sunset Strip.

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Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne Motherfucking Barr.

Come on.

Roseanne, with her new hit podcast Roseanne World, new episodes dropping every Thursday. davidkoechner..com for tickets. He's on tour Lexington, Kentucky, Pittsburgh, Pa. Coming up, we have a lot of fun stuff in the store, you guys know how it works.

Which also moved here from L.

That's the gist of it. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Thank you guys, my name is Hans Kim, I'm from New Jersey, so don't worry Texas, I'm racist too.

Absolutely, Hans Kim with a new 60 seconds.

Thank you, Tony.

Oh, hello, Hans.

Hello Tony.

What are you thanking me for?

I'm thinking, I hope that was 60 seconds.

No, I said, What are you thanking me for?

Oh, thanking, Oh, just my entire career.

Okay, perfect, good, just making sure we're on the same page. I loved the Home Depot joke, that was fun.

Thank you, Tony.

Okay.

Well, the home depot joke, I wrote, inside of a home depot.

Funny how that happens, right?

Yeah, I was like, man, there's so much, you could build so much stuff here, you could even rob this place. I was building a little cat door for my girlfriend.

Yes, a cat door, so that the cat can go in and out.

Yeah.

Did she say that she wanted that, or did she just do that? Hey babe, I built you a cat door. your cat's missing, oh.

So you're a bit of an environmental comic, so you're influenced by wherever you're standing.

Yeah.

But the cat didn't make it into the bit this week.

No, no cat jokes.

Just overall racism, which was.

Yeah, that's fine.

But nobody was spared.

It was nice, it really was. It was very, very racist Black people. To keep your possessions warm, Arabic in one piece and Mexican home depot joke.

But you're challenging people to think, right, that's your point.

I want them to.

Right, racism.

Right, it's ironic your presentation.

Yeah.

At least if you're going to be racist. Make it fun.

No, yes, right?

I think you had another punchline and he stepped on it. I think it was a pussy joke on that cat door bit, am I right?

Yes, I knew it. Thank you Roseanne. I know how men think.

It's all about cat doors and pussy.

I knew it. Oh yeah, Roseanne Barr live in the....

But I love that you were studied and offensive. That's good, it's non-PC. These motherfuckers need to be shook out of their comas.

Thank you, Roseanne.

You got to put some Jew jokes in there, though.

I tell you, you got to get the Jews right, am I right?

It's true, it's difficult. They're so litigious, the Jews.

That can go right in there, you can mix that right in there. Hans, What else is going on this week?

I've been having a great time with my girlfriend. I stayed in in Austin this week, just did a bunch of shows at Brian Redband's club. Thank you Brian for having me.

Keep going, come on, tell us something. I'm hoping you get more spots. Thank you, Brian.

Jesus, what a creep.

What are you going to build him a fucking cat door?

I did a meet and greet after the show and a very old lady grabbed my butt. I was going to grab her butt back, but I was like, that's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt her.

That's true, you don't want to get me-92'd.

I've been playing a little game with my girlfriend called rape.

Well, you've covered all the bases, all the bases, no stone left unturned.

He is a molestation away from a full bingo card.

Can anybody play?

You're not in my white class.

So, explain to us the rules of this game that you and your girlfriend created.

She's like, Hey, you want to come cuddle? and she's like, No, because you're going to have sex with me. And I was like, Come on, when are we going to have sex then?

Oh, wow.

So there was really no rules written on this game, it was more of a not game, more of just a rape.

Yeah, it was pretty realistic.

Did she say-?

You all might be called to testify in the future.

This is why we lock up phones, everybody.

Yeah.

Oh shit, all right.

She won, she kept me away.

Oh, she won the game of rape.

Yeah, right.

Bear mace like, what are we talking about?

David Koechner.

Now we know why she wanted the cat door.

Oh my god.

It's for all the pussy to leave.

Oh, okay, there you go, there you go.

Hans.

Well, Hans, this is very interesting. The game of rape, really, I think, saved your interview. How many of you guys think Hans did good enough to not have to be challenged for his spot next week? That's pretty much everybody in the room, thank you.

My name is Jacob. A little bit about me. I'm an Uber driver and I've discovered this whole population of people that I didn't know was very entertaining until just recently. And that's MAGA Asians, as in Asians that love Trump a little too much, okay?

Vaccines cause autism?

I don't know if vaccines cause autism, but my brother got vaccinated. He learned the piano in like two days.

Jacob Cancer, welcome to the show. This is your first time, correct?

Yes, sir.

Absolutely. How long have you been doing standup comedy?

Six years.

Six years where at.

I started in college station, did some sets in Houston, graduated from college, went to Boston, was there.

Yeah.

Which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window.

And that arrest was here in Texas.

Yes, all three.

Yeah, that makes sense.

They don't like weed, and they don't like boys that look like girls soccer players either. So you're in double trouble.

I'm a supervisor at Whole Foods in uptown Dallas. Oh, wow. 20 discount for all interested females.

Oh my goodness.

Wow, so interesting. you're a lesbian, very good.

I call them all the time and I just give them a little wink as they go by.

Hell yeah.

You spell whole foods h-o-l-e.

Yes, that's right.

What year is it?

Say again.

I said, What year is it?

It's 2023.

I thought I went back in time or something, okay, do you always do impressions in your act?

Yes, because you're quite a deaf guy. Yeah, sometimes we'll drop them for a little bit, but this joke, it all came together.

He called for it.

Yes, exactly, because that's what she sounded like. I'm not being a piece of shit.

Right, you're not being racist at all.

She sounded like that.

Yeah, you gave yourself license to do it, you set it up, you told us, clearly.

More or less.

Was she Asian?

She was very asian.

Oh, okay, yeah, I was going to say it'd be crazy if she wasn't Asian. And that's just what you think women sound like.

She was very asian.

I love it so whole foods Jacob giving produce discounts to the ladies. What's your love life like, Jacob?

Single very unfortunately single.

How long have you been single for?

A while, a few months.

A few months, that's not that long, What's? a few months, hundreds and hundreds of them, a few hundred months.

No, I'm just asking about one, because I bet you can do another one, huh?

Like another group of humans, or like a person?

Did you just call them humans?

Like another group of humans.

Are you talking about human beings? Yeah, human beings.

I'm parched, sorry.

Okay.

Can you do Jews?

Yeah, are you a Jew?

No, but my last name sounds Jewish, so I claim it sometimes.

Yeah.

I'm not a real Jew, no, I could do a Jewish accent, I don't know.

Let's hear it, come on, let's hear it. You might know him from his amazing Asian accent.

It's kind of like the Asian.

Here he is, Jacob Cantor.

Is there any AC in this train?

Oh.

Were you a conductor on that second piece? because you were an Uber driver? were you the train conductor the second time?

I was a train conductor.

And some customers complaining to you.

Yeah, I mean, I know it just got hot in there for them, not in the train. It was really bad.

For them.

Yeah.

I always think of I have a joke, like Jews in a train. Car is like Nordstrom racks that you can shoplift from in Dallas. There's always room for one more. I'm sorry I'm doing this, just a word of advice.

Never put Jews in a train car, I'm sorry.

I enjoyed it.

I did.

You got two choices laugh or cry.

Cry you cry alone, like a stupid bitch. laugh, and everybody laughs with you.

Roseanne Barr, my second mother.

I would say, probably pretty negatively. I wouldn't even call it a relationship. It was just like a multi-week fling that left me probably hurt, maybe a little bit.

So how did a multi-week fling hurt you?

Well, I don't know, it's just you like someone.

It's okay, tell us the real truth, it's all good, just tell us what happened.

Tell us the truth so we can laugh at it.

RoSEanne, you weren't supposed to give away what we were going to do.

So no, I was romantically involved with this woman and I had been on probation for those marijuana arrests.

Ah, yes.

Because of Covid and I dove head first like an idiot and scared her away. She was moving anyway, so it wasn't that bad. I'm good.

When you say you dove head first, give us an example of what you did.

Oh, I mean, I just made sure that person knew that I liked them a lot.

Can you give us an example of how you did that?

I didn't do anything embarrassing, I did probably cry. There was probably a crying phone call. At one point. It was like, complete gone dignity.

Okay, do you remember what you cried at?

Probably like, one day after she broke up with me, she was like posting pictures in a thong on Snapchat, and I was like, Okay, it's over.

Yeah, you can't follow girls you like on Snapchat.

Let's be real real, let's be real real. I ask this to all the guy comics Did she beat your ass?

No, she ever beat you in the game of rape.

There's a few times I didn't want it.

Oh, wow.

Truth comes out.

Wasn't this just only a couple weeks you were with her?

Because, you know, a lot of these young girls are beating the guy's ass these days, you know?

Yeah, I know, yeah, it's the chemicals in the water.

Yeah, that's what I think, too.

JaCOb Let me ask you something, is this really you? Are you like politically this way? Do you feel the way that you actually talk, or do you do a different act when you're in, like, the Upper East Coast or something?

No, I don't do a different act. My jokes are my jokes, you either like them or you don't. But that's not my point. This is just a recent joke that I really liked, that I wanted to do on Kill Tony.

I just started to hear your Texas accent for the first time when you were talking about how your jokes are your jokes.

You're like, pathological with jokes, huh? They come all the time, you can't stop them, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, I can see that.

Is this a new relationship that's budding right now?

I think I'm seeing sparks.

I'm good.

Hi, how are you, everybody? I've never done anything like this, except for karaoke. I signed up at the mothership next door, I rode my Harley down here.

I figured down in Austin, you know.

So I am riding to benefit Sergeant Travis Mills, quadruple amputee for the Army. He's got a place up in Rome, Maine, for a veterans retreat, so my ride is to benefit him. If you look him up on GoFundMe, you'll see his page up there, and you'll see this mug with my Harley glasses out in front of the retreat in Rome, Maine.

All right, Heath wambled. I'm going to cut you off right there. A very special case of me only giving 60 seconds. I'll be the West Hollywood bear on this one, holy shit dude.

Apologies, you said quadruple amputee.

Got it? That was the answer to the question. Quadruple amputee.

This quadruple amputee is a badass hero.

Do you have a sidecar for this guy or anything? No, you're just calling him every day, like, dude, had a great time. Another 2,000 miles today. How's bed?

I'm glad I could be here to service that. There you go.

Absolutely look at you, I mean, you look like a guy that's riding a motorcycle across the country to raise money for a quadruple amputee. It is unbelievable. What do we got here? Okay, the work boots.

All American made you look like every member.

Of the fucking village, people mashed together.

Hey, I'm a carpenter and a tree climber.

You're a what?

A carpenter and a tree climber.

Okay, all right, you're a tree climber.

Yeah, rope, saddle, chainsaws hanging from cranes.

Wow.

Have you ever killed anybody?

Who do you think he's chasing with a chainsaw? I love it, I can't say how many.

I bet you killed a lot of people. Were you in the armed services yourself?

No, were you in the hairy armed services? Those are incredible.

It's all here, except for here.

All right, I get it. So, a tree climber, a motorcycle driver.

Mr. Flea, the legend?

Hey Mr. Flea.

I got my sock on, Don't you rock a sock, like Mr. Flea rocks a sock?

Come on.

Everybody knows red hot chili peppers rock the sock in the concert, right?

I thought you said, you have a shotgun. That's what I thought, he said. You heard that, too? All right, here's my cat of the converter.

I'm giving it to you.

I love it, so tell us more about your life. Heath. Terrible 60 seconds, but my guess is you're going to be the interview of the night.

I have lived an amazing life, it's been a lot of fun.

Hold on, let's slow it down a second. You were doing a pre-model.

A remodel? I'm from Guilford, New Hampshire, on Lake Winnipesaukee, so I was trapped in this house alone, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Right, except on meth, he wasn't on meth in the shining.

No, unfortunately, I've been sober for too long to do that again.

Okay, all right, Jesus Christ.

Totally sober, except for the.

Doctor-prescribed Adderall This is natural, believe it or not, when you say you threw yourself into a tree, you were driving a car at the time.

Yes, sir.

Okay, when you hit the tree, did you start climbing it immediately?

Now I want to know about these family courts, you're trying, because I'm all up in that with you destroying the family courts, those dirty bastards.

So my mom, my bike is named after my mom, Madonna Marie.

Wait, you named your motorcycle after your mom.

After my mama, Yeah, that's so sweet.

Okay guys, oh guys, I mean, Michael, Jesus Christ.

Hey, you know, he's?

From the country, right? You all have the accent, is he not? Add Okay, stick with this, show up here.

There's no such thing as nervous energy, right?

Okay, heath, heath, stick with me up here. Yes, sir. You're actually pretty good at this by the way. You're getting better as time goes on. You're very comfortable up here.

In court, I'm a bit of a savage. I've called out the judge. I told her I was going to make her famous along with the lawyers.

What do you wear to court?

So I used to go looking like a lawyer, but I always have to wear my boots.

You're saying all of Roseanne's safe words tonight, I'm telling you.

I like Jews.

Whoa, no one believes you. Hey, I'm part Jew brother. Wait, what?

That's right.

That's right.

He's saying it.

I love her. You want to go for a ride on my bike, Miss Roseanne?

Whoa?

You know, back when I had any kind of womanhood in my body, I would have said yes, but they got me on the testosterone now.

I'm 42, so I can help you, you're 42??

I'll be 43 in November. You're younger than my son. Oh my god, you're only three years older than me. That's fucked up, dude.

You've lived a lot.

What the fuck have you done?

What have you seen?

Where else did you ride your motorcycle to? Well?

So I guess he was all messed up on drugs and shit for a while.

I love cocaine, but it's not real anymore. And that led one thing into the other with the drinking and the drinking. That's just a demon.

You talk a lot, don't you?

Nowadays, yeah, but I used to be a tribalist.

Yeah, I bet you do. You know, you talk a lot when your best friend is a quadruple amputee.

So I never actually got to meet Sergeant Travis Mills. I just came up with the idea to raise money for him to promote my cause of the family court. So I figured if I could do something selfishly unselfish, I would get noticed.

Absolutely, has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-grown sea monkey before?

I got the Gorilla patch for a reason.

He's got a patch or a tattoo for everything that I've called him. By the way. You think I'm a sea monkey? That's a sea monkey. I was part of the Sea Monkeys. It was the San Francisco Motorcycle Gang.

My daughter drew the tag.

Okay, all right, there we go. You are every channel on fucking a&e smashed together.

A&e we were legends, man.

What?

I was born in 1980.

Okay, you hang out with other people from 1980 and talk about it.

Yes, we do.

You haven't joined?

The club on Facebook yet, or Instagram, or any of the Twitch, or anything like that.

I have no idea what.

You just said.

Never, never right.

You're super sober.

I'm going to give you one of these small joke books with a nuclear bomb on the back.

It's under staff Sergeant Travis Mills. On GoFundMe, you can find me.

It'll cost you an arm and a leg.

He's got a commercial on Facebook. Follow Travis Mills on Facebook.

TraVIS MILLs There's so many Travis Mills.

Staff Sergeant Travis Mills and Staff Sergeant Travis Mills Foundation.

Whatever, if you can decipher that, then you win. All right, there he goes.

Ain't no fucking way, like y'all know, I bite people for real.

And the only reason I bite people?

Is because I got a little sister and she's not. My little sister is 6'2 280.

You know what I'm saying?

Like when we was little kids, she would always beat the fuck out of me, like every day.

You know what I'm saying? She would always beat me up.

I went home a couple weeks ago and she called me and she was like, Cam, my boyfriend just hit me. I need you to come handle him and I was like, Bitch, call the police.

But that's my little sister.

And I love her. So I went over there, I went to the house and I was like.

There you have it every single week, another brand new minute, another unbelievable set.

They the bestest.

The light-skinned are the bestest. I love it. Yeah, you wanna rock, bitch?

Holy shit.

Cam Patterson taking over by storm, rocking the brand new I see the tag that is the brand new Cam Patterson shirt.

Ever? It was insane, bro. My dad came to the Chicago one and after we like this, some real shit, don't laugh. I'm being a real serious motherfucker right now. My dad came and I started crying, you know what I'm saying, because it was a lot for me. You feel me.

Hell yeah, I love that, I love it.

I've been fucking like.

Crazy.

I've just been fucking.

You know what I'm saying?

Are you? are you? are you taking? are you being careful? you take precautions?

God, my condom baby.

God, your condom.

God, my condom baby David Techner.

God, God intends to repopulate the world, so you might want to be careful. God puts holes in condoms. And we're in Texas, sir.

We'll be fine.

You're going to keep that baby, you cool with that.

Cam has an amazing abortion policy If a girl gets pregnant, he just throws a rock at her.

I'm going to stone that bitch nigga.

Gang violence has been called on the field. That is a 15-yard penalty. Keep it down.

The year is 2023.

Yeah, we're doing it. So Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we should know about your life? Is? Business is booming.

Golf cart nigga.

Right, that is correct, and then you are now a what?

I'm a goddamn star, I'm a kid, Tony Nigga. I'm a star, Nigga. I work at the I'm a. I just do a lot of shit with Nigga in it, you know what I'm saying?

This is beautiful, I'm from the.

Fucking light-skinned bitch. I'm having a good time, yeah.

That's good, yeah.

ROSEANNE BARR You've seen Cam Patterson before, correct?

Well, yeah, you told me, you got to watch this kid, remember who was up there? and well, that was the other joint, and you go, Hey, you got to watch this kid.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. thank you so much.

That means so much to me.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Cam It's pretty wild. You did your first two theaters this past weekend and you did so good in Chicago. That up on the rooftop bar that we were at afterwards, I confirmed that you'll be on this weekend in Charlotte and Atlanta, Georgia. So it goes on and on. He's been added, literally added, even though I already have two openers full time on the road.

Wow, I can't believe I'm here, not because I got picked, I flew spirit, so I can't believe I made it. Spirit does things a little differently. Like the in-flight entertainment is only fans.

Angelo Diona.

It went pretty good, I thought it was gonna go pretty good, it went pretty good, okay?