"Paul Giamatti"

You know, Jason, have you ever ate edamame? Because I've had a dad.

I've never even met your mommy. Oh, see, you did the joke, too. I do, like, you, know what I really like doing with the edamame, especially if I'm sitting across the table. from my my daughters, is I like to take one of those edamame beans, like to fire, like squeeze it, and fire one of those beans right at one of my daughters. That's fun, right?

Hey, remind me to skip sushi next time.

Yeah, you should. Or just wear a helmet.

Welcome to SmartLess.

Smart. Less.

Less.

Smart.

Less. Smart.

What's the purple sex toy over your right shoulder?

There?

In the back.

Keep going. The purple thing. It's just one purple thing.

Right here? Even further back.

Oh, this?

Yeah.

By the way, you know what that is?

Should it be in somebody?

Back roller.

Back roller. That's the inside. That's the inside of like a, like. it's metal, but it's a record. It's like a sound thing.

That's what we're getting at.

Okay. So, but wait, I want to say something about Jason's food, because I FaceTimed with Jay last week and you do eat a lot of stuff. It is kind of a joke, but it's not really because you do. for every, you know, cookie that goes in, it's like 20,000 pounds of nuts and bolts, and twigs and sticks go in. That's right.

It's not constant. It's just discipline. It's one hour a day.

No, I know, but it's a routine, but, and then we talk and then we have, I brought up the porn thing again, because I can't believe you're the only male in the world that doesn't look at porn, but that we already talked about that.

And then, um, have either one of you looked at any porn today? No, no, I don't need the eyebrows. Well, you don't need to like, what a weird question. You know, do you guys look at it daily or weekly, or what's, what's the frequency? again?

I don't know like the frequency of it, but I'm just saying like generally, let's hear.

it. You say you don't know. Let's hear it.

No. Like male guys. Every guy looks at porn. Anyway.

Yeah.

But the other thing was, I want to talk about the headband that you were wearing while you were running on the thing.

Seems kind of horny.

It was. No, I had never seen you in that. I've seen you in that, like others, like hats and stuff, but I've never seen you wear the headband while you're on the treadmill.

I still have that dumb long hair and I don't want it sweating into my eyeballs.

That was astonishing. It was like lover boy, like the eighties band or something.

But it made you think of, uh, of gay porn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I don't know. I just thought I'd never seen you in that headband.

Well, what's your get up for your workout?

Jason never would look at gay porn because he'd be too worried.

Why are my pants crowding?

Yeah. Oh, no. Wait, what were you saying? What's my workout?

Yeah. What's your workout? get up?

So you know what? It's, it's fine. Well, my, my hair is quite short right now, but when, if it's even a little bit longer, I have, it's the worst. If I'm so that I don't sweat and I would never wear it outside, cause I'm embarrassed. It's old school bandana rolled and then kind of up here and then my hair is kind of sticking behind.

That's exactly what Jason was wearing.

It's the worst, but I could never wear it. Like everybody who lives, kids, Alessandra, everybody looks at me like, dude, that is the worst.

I look like such a solid, cause. you don't want to get zits. Isn't that what it is?

Well, you just don't want the hair dripping down his face.

You don't want that. You don't want to sweat, cause then you get zits. If you, if you sweat on your face.

Well, I'm 53.. I, you know, I'm, I'm pretty good on that, but it's more, I just don't want to get the sweat in my face. You know what?

I don't sweat out of my face.

You don't sweat period.

You what? You don't sweat out of your face?

I never sweat from my face. I don't.

You know why? Cause it's hard to sweat while you're chilling.

Boy, I'm getting on that t-shirt so quick. I want to get to our guest, cause I can hear him and I feel, I feel badly for him that he's had to listen to the porn and he's had to listen to the sweat. I don't sweat out of my face.

I don't.

He doesn't deserve it. You know why? Because this is a guy I use, do you like, the term actor's actor?

I do like that.

He's the kind of actor, the way I look at it is he's the kind of actor that all us actors look up to. Yeah. You're like, yeah, this is the guy.

I'm nervous.

Well, the second you say actor's actor, you know, they're friendly.

Yeah. And they're just like, they've just done so much stuff and they've done the dramatic stuff and they've done the comedy and they're good at all of it. And you don't begrudge them, cause you're like, they're so good at it that you're like, yeah, they do. And he, this is a guy who's got, he's got an Academy Award nomination. He's got, he's won two Golden Globes.

I love him.

Guys, it's just Mr. Paul Giamatti.

I love Paul Giamatti. Oh, did I do this right? Okay.

Yes. Hello. Yes.

Well done, Will.

I love you. Hello. I love you guys.

I absolutely love you.

Look at you.

Look at me.

Wait a minute. Talk about the background.

Can you hear me? Can you see me? Is this all like okay?

We can hear you. We can, Jason, Paul, Jason's very confused right now because of all the books behind you.

Look at that wallpaper behind you. It looks so textured.

It's all, it's a green screen. It's a green screen.

It's fantastic.

Wait a minute.

That's a, that's a moth trap.

I see that. That's actually a moth trap.

Sure. Very effective. Works like a charm.

Works like a charm. He's got, he's got at least 6,000 books behind him, and you've read all of them all back.

No. Nope. Haven't read. A lot of them. Haven't read.

Jason, name a book. Quick.

Where the sidewalk ends.

So no pornography, no books.

It's pretty dry.

It's just sugar and salt for me. Those are my, those are my vices.

I want to know about the books. Why the books, Paul, behind you?

Ab, I have a kind of manic thing. I, honest to God, I have a kind of collecting mania with, with books. I put all, I put all my manic behavior into, into books.

I get that. And you know what? If you had asked me to describe, say, what would Paul Giamatti's background be? I probably would have said a bookshelf brimming with books. I probably, given a few guesses.

Or, or a bunch of different glasses, frames or a selection of Warby Parker.

Just all back there.

Paul, do you have a favorite bookstore?

In New York? I like going to this.

I'm assuming you're in New York.

Yes, I am. I like going to the Strand bookstore. That's a classic bookstore.

It holds up.

There's a good one out in LA called Iliad Books. That's a great bookstore.

Yeah, Iliad, is very good.

I know that one.

But we, uh, I was just at, I was just at the Strand two weeks ago, and it's really holding up, isn't it? It is. It's still there. They still got it.

Yeah, it's still there, which is nice.

Wait, now who was, so, so what was the film that you were referencing last night that one of our dinner guests was in?

Private Parts with Mary McCormick. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Fantastic.

Wow, that is a deep cut.

And we were talking about, God, I love that movie, Paul. You're so great in that movie.

Thanks, I appreciate it. It's a good movie. It's a really good movie.

Betty Thomas directed that, right? Yeah.

Have you worked with her?

I have not, but I would like to.

Yeah, she's great.

So let me ask you about Private Parts now that we're on it. How did that movie come about? Like, were you a fan or did you listen to Howard leading up to that at all?

Like a little bit, you know, but not much. I wasn't any kind of big, because I didn't, I didn't realize, for instance, that that guy I was playing was a real guy, until about halfway into my little tenure doing the movie, which was a couple of weeks. And they said to me, how'd you nail this guy so well? And I said, this is an actual guy? And they were like, yeah.

I'm like, man, that's hysterical.

And I said, I feel terrible now because I've made this guy look like the biggest asshole on the planet. I thought, this is a real person, his children are going to see this? His wife is going to see this? This is horrible. And it got me a little nervous.

But so...

No, one time I had to do, in promoting something a few years later, you know, they'd be like, I was always the guy, they'd make me do the drive time radio shit. They'd be like, well, you do the promotion on the drive time radio, guys.

And I'd be talking to someone. When did you start saying no to that? Shortly after that.

Only a couple of years ago. But it was always me they made do that, because of private parts. So I was always talking to some fucking guys in Oakland or something like that. And one day they patched him through. They put him on with me.

But you strike me as a fellow who's pretty diligent about researching your parts and whatnot. Are you not?

Erroneous. Erroneous mistake. It depends. Sometimes I am. Sometimes, it depends.

And what is, if you're playing a non-fiction character, you'll do the research and maybe it's a side...

Yeah, it depends. Like I did a boxing picture. Yeah. I did a boxing picture and I was interested.

Yeah, Cinderella Man.

Yeah, so good.

And you were nominated for an Academy Award, which I mentioned.

I was. Which is tremendous. Thank you. Yes, thank you. So good.

Well, Sean, you could have taught him, because you're pretty good at wrapping guys' hands around... Well, around stuff, I guess.

I'll show you. I'll show you later. Okay, great. Wait, Paul. What do you mean?

It's like an N-swell, right?

Guys would get an N-swell, meaning like...

That's like the real thing that they use to smear out a swollen eye or something. It's like a metal square that's got like a little ring on it.

Yes, that's right. And in the old school, because that movie I did set in the 30s, they didn't have those things. They would just have a freezing cold silver dollar, and they'd push it against the guy's face.

Oh, just to take the swelling down. Yeah. Will, you got anything for N-swell?

What is a N-swell?

Well, all's well.

I think that's what it's called.

All's well with an N-swell.

I don't know.

I went to Yale. I went to the Yale School of Drama, yes. That's amazing.

Now, wasn't our friend Laura Linney over there?

She went to the Juilliard, I believe.

Was she Yale as well, maybe? God, I should know that.

No, she was Juilliard.

She was Juilliard.

Yeah. Hey, Jason, you remember, you were in Ozark with her?

Yeah, that's right. What is it? You were in the television's Ozark.

Do you remember that?

I've never been to...

How was that? Did you enjoy that with her?

What's that?

He's completely blanked it.

Yeah. I only can remember just an hour ago. No, she's about the best ever.

She is the best.

So, Paul, so you went to... Yes. You mentioned, so you went to Yale. You're from New Haven. You actually were born there, right?

Yes, I was.

And your dad was a professor there. He was. Ended up being the president of Yale. That's right.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what?

Did your mom teach at Yale too?

No, she taught at a private school in New Haven. Right.

So your mom was a teacher. She taught at a high school. So both of his parents were academics.

Do you have any Yale tattoos? You should have a Yale tattoo.

I should. I should have a big... I don't. I should have a bulldog on my ass.

Or a big Y right on the small ear.

I should always have a bulldog on my ass.

Yes, me too. But wait a minute. What about... Go back, though. In order to get into Yale, it wasn't like your mom and dad were like, come on, I got you.

I did pretty good. Yeah. I was pretty good academically. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you go to high school in New Haven?

No. I went to a high school. I went to a prep school. I didn't board. I went to a boarding school, but I didn't board there.

Willie, you went to a boarding school, didn't you?

Yeah. Did you? Yeah. I did. Up in Canada.

Yeah. Day boys.

Sean, anything? Careful.

Careful, Sean. I mean, this whole episode is...

You're going to get a letter, Will. This is really getting spicy.

This episode is my history.

It's pride month, for Christ's sake. Can you just ease off?

Is the Canadian boarding school, is it as horrendous as the boarding schools that seem to be in England?

Well, no, but back then... Do they cane you there?

Do they give you a good sound, thrashing, if you, you know...

They didn't even bother grabbing the cane. They just went with the hand. I'm not kidding. Did they? I used to get smacked in the back.

Are you serious? You used to get hit? Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got hit in the back of the head a bunch.

Was this like a Catholic school? Was it like Jesuits?

It's an old school. I went to this school. that's like a very old school, sort of British style boarding school. At the time, it's now coed and it's very different and it's all changing. But at the time, it was very much a old English style, all boys boarding school.

Prince of Spain?

He's now the King of Spain, went to my school, yeah.

So you struggled a bunch growing up, did you, Will?

Well, I didn't... It wasn't... I had nothing to do with that. How did you eat?

I was the low man on the totem pole. You were starving all the time. That's crazy.

Did you have a dad?

Low man on the totem pole, yeah.

Did people harass the Prince of Spain? Did you know the Prince of Spain?

No, he had seen... Yeah, I did. Boy, this is a terrible sentence, but he and I were on the same ski team.

That is crazy.

Wow. And I got bussed. I got bussed to a school in downtown Los Angeles, to... Yeah, okay?

Yeah, and I had to walk to school with no food. Yeah.

No food, no shoes. Right, Sean?

Both ways. No shoes.

But anyway, we're back.

So... Let's get back to Yale and...

And then the Prince of Spain. Yeah.

But your dad was... Your dad was a professor and then becoming president of Yale. So that... Right. I think it does help, because I know other people whose parents were professors at colleges.

Yeah, but it only takes you so far. You must have done very well in high school. You were a bright person.

I did pretty good in high school. I was a bright kid. I was not a stupid kid.

SAT score, I'll bet, was pretty good. And your essays and all that?

I think probably they must have been. I don't remember what my essays entailed. I don't remember what they were about.

But they must have been... What were the extracurriculars called?

They must have been pleasing. My extracurricular... That's interesting. I worked on the school newspaper. I drew cartoons.

Really?

On the school newspaper. Yes.

Were your parents more interested or excited about you becoming an academic, or were they okay with you becoming an actor?

I think they were okay with me becoming an actor. I think the... Because everybody in my family going back was teachers. It was ridiculous. Everybody's a fucking teacher.

I would... I could see... Couldn't you see Paul in an Alexander Payne film playing a New Yorker cartoonist? And I don't know what the story is yet, but I'm working on it. I'm going to call...

But now, wait. I might embarrass myself here, but didn't... Did you not do Crumb? The Crumb movie? Am I confusing?

I did a movie called American Splendor about a guy, this guy, Harvey Pinker, and Crumb, did the drawings for his thing, because he couldn't draw. He couldn't... Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You're welcome.

So you're close, Will.

I'm very close. Were you able to use some of your talent as a cartoonist whilst doing that film?

Nope. He couldn't draw, so I couldn't. So I had to just...

Because Crumb drew for him. Crumb. Yes.

No, I didn't get to do any of that. I wish... I had wanted to be a cartoonist, like an animator, was what I kind of wanted to do, but that's...

Did you know that guy was real when you were doing that movie?

I did. Yeah, he probably did.

Yes, indeed. I did. Yes. I was... Yeah.

Do you doodle still to this day?

Yeah, not as much. I wish I did. I don't draw as much as I used to. I think when I decided to be an actor, I stopped drawing, and it was just a kind of different part of my life, and I stopped drawing. I still do sometimes.

Yeah. What is your go-to doodle? I think everybody's got one thing that they do know how to draw well.

Yeah. Well, I do. a lot of... It's faces mostly, and it's kind of angry old men, mustachioed old men.

You have portraits of Jason in your house?

Yes, exactly.

My 11-year-old daughter is very, very good at drawing, and I was looking at some of her work the other day, and I said to her, I said, I said, honey, you know, I notice a lot of the faces that you draw, there's a lot of tears coming out of the eyes. Is everything okay? She goes, yeah, Dad. And I go, no, no, I mean, I just, you know, I'm trying to be a good dad here, and I'm just saying that that's a flair for me, and I just want to make, I just want to check in with you. She's like, no, it's just really fun to draw.

That's interesting. Do you think that she was so shocked that you noticed anybody other than yourself?

That I knew my way to her.

Something out of your own that didn't have to do with show business?

Something that wasn't stuck to the front of the television that I noticed? Yeah.

She was pretty shocked. That it wasn't the Dodgers, that it wasn't Dodgers or golf related?

Do you still get a chance to do theater? Do you like doing it? Would you prefer, like, now that you are on this trajectory of 800 movies and TV shows, you're like...

I haven't done a play in a while. I do like it. I do prefer it. You're doing a play right now.

Yeah. Sean, would like for you to take over for him.

What I'm saying is...

You want me to step in?

He's very tired. You know, Paul actually was quite famously in a play with a very good friend of ours and a friend of the podcast, Billy Crudup, in Arcadia years ago.

Oh, no way.

What was it?

Yeah.

I did a couple of plays with Billy. I did three plays with Billy. Oh, wow.

He only just took $15 off me this weekend because his Yankees took two out of three from my Dodgers.

Oh, you're gambling with Billy.

But I only sent him $14.. I kept the dollar back for the damage that Aaron Judge did to our bullpen fence. Did you see any of that footage? He ran right through the wall, taking a scoring fly ball away from us.

Aaron Judge had a very exciting weekend here in Los Angeles. Obviously, this podcast is airing later than that, but, Paul, I don't know if you're a big baseball fan. I know that baseball runs in the family.

It does. I'm not a huge baseball fan, but I occasionally follow it. Things like this...

Well, tell Sean, because I don't know, Sean, you know Paul's involvement with baseball, which is quite... I don't. And we can cut it too, if you don't want to talk about it.

No, no, no, no, no. After being in academia, my father ended up in professional baseball and he ran the National Baseball League, not for very long. And then he was the Commissioner of Baseball, also not for very long.

He was the Commissioner of Baseball?

He was the Commissioner of Major League Baseball for like...

That's like God of baseball.

Basically. Well, yeah, kind of.

That's crazy.

It is crazy. And so he didn't... He did neither one of those things for very long.

Did you go to a lot of games in that time? Was it because it was kind of the family business in a way?

Yeah, I mean, I did. I went to some playoff games. Now I can't even remember what ones I went to. I wish I did. I wish I was paying more attention.

That's why I asked you about extracurricular in high school, like, you know, like sports.

I was on the swimming team. I was on the swimming team.

Swimming team. Oh, okay.

Swimming team. That's about, as... Is it interesting?

It is interesting. It's like, to picture you swimming in high school is kind of interesting.

It is interesting. You know what I mean? I had hair. I had hair. I wore, like, the little Speedo.

So you did have hair.

I did have hair. Yes. I actually had hair. But for swimming, you know, you would shave. You would actually shave your head and stuff like that.

Of course.

Yeah, they would do all that stuff.

You'd probably shave your whole body.

You'd shave your whole body.

Right?

You'd shave your whole body. Yes, sir.

Did you... Paul, you just said I wasn't paying attention. And I was actually thinking about this concept recently, about this idea of, as we get older, and I've been doing a lot more reflecting lately, about this idea of, like, this stuff. I just... I feel like now I'm much more aware or cognizant, and I want to absorb everything much more now than I did when I was a younger man.

Well, but even just saying what I was saying to you, I regret that. I mean, I was in college, and I was kind of checked out. And I was sort of like, eh, not dealing with my dad and stuff like that. And I very much regret it now. Because he passed away very shortly after doing all of that.

How old is your kid?

He's 22.. He just graduated from college.

Oh, wow.

So he's the age I was when my father died. I don't want to bring the whole show down by talking about my father's death. No, this is good. But he's the age my father was. He's the age my father was when my father died.

Yeah. I remember I worked with Marcus, with your brother, on a very, very shitty football movie.

No, I remember that movie very well.

I remember just dorking out with him about your dad and just picking his brain about it.

He's a huge baseball fan. He's like a fanatic.

He's such a good dude.

I really liked my time with him.

He is a good dude. I loved that movie.

What was the movie?

It was called Necessary Roughness. This football movie back in the day with Scott Bakula. Was it Goldie Hawn?

Scott Bakula. Was it Sinbad? Yes, Sinbad.

Kathy, Ireland.

Kathy, Ireland.

Who else was in that?

Yeah, there was a lot of people.

Hector Elizondo.

Hector Elizondo.

That's right. Jay, did you take the moment during Necessary Roughness and really absorb it?

Oh, I sure did absorb it.

Wait, we're talking about two different things now.

What were you absorbing? Well, we shot it in Dallas, Texas. There was a lot of off time. They've got some nice ballet in Dallas.

Absolutely.

We'll be right back.

Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after.

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Call 911.. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they'd look at would be the spouse.

We understand. that's usually the way they do it.

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All right, back to the show.

Paul, since we're kind of going through and I want to, there's so many movies. we could, you know, because behind every movie there's a story about making it and stuff like that. I could talk to you for hours about so many things that I love you in. But is there one, because we're kind of like going through them now, is there one that stands out, that's really, really, really meaningful to you, that you will, speaking of holding on to things and remembering things, that really, really sticks to your soul and you have great memories of?

There's a lot of them. I really remember nicely that way, you know. And it's not necessarily the movie, it's the experience too.

Right, right. Is there one in particular?

There's a movie I did called The Illusionist, which is this sort of, it's about a magician and stuff like that. I really liked making that movie. It was in Eastern Europe, it was in Prague, which was fun to be in. And I enjoyed making that movie.

That wasn't Christopher Nolan, was it?

No, that's The Prestige.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the, at the same time, two magician pictures came out.

Yeah, I remember that.

Simultaneously.

How did you like working in Prague? Man, that is a beautiful town.

Great, I loved it. It was fantastic.

What film do you think, and this will be a very hard thing for you to answer, but which film do you think was the most helpful to you in your career? Because I feel like every single job you've done has been extremely prestigious and really, really like, did Will say you've been nominated only once for an Oscar?

For an Oscar.

Yeah, but I feel like every single part.

Yeah, like 12 Years a Slave, Romeo and Juliet, Saving Mr. Banks, Downton Abbey.

Well, those are all amazing, and 12 Years a Slave was an amazing movie to make. Yeah, all of those were incredible.

But any one of those jobs you would think an actor would go, okay, now my career is made. Right. You know?

I guess so, but I mean, I think something like Private Parts actually was the first time I ever did anything with real.

Just for my sister, Tracy, Private Parts is the Howard Stern movie about his life.

And where Howard really convincingly and to great acclaim plays himself, which is very unusual.

Yeah, he was really great at it. He was terrific.

Paul, it does occur to me that Private Parts actually was a kind of a kicking off point. Of course, you were a working actor, but that kind of opened you up to a whole, because it was such a big commercial success.

Yeah, I'd only really done theater stuff. up until then. I'd done little bit parts in a lot of stuff, in a lot of TV shows and TV movies and stuff like that. So that was the first time I had anything substantial to do in a movie.

Did that lead to Saving Private Ryan?

I don't remember which one of those came first. Maybe, but Saving Private Ryan was just...

No, Saving Private Ryan was years after Private Parts.

I don't, was it? I don't even, this is what's weird. It's like, and then this is where I feel like my mind, my brain is going.

You're also a guy, I bet every single film would love to have you be a part of that film because of what...

They were a year apart. I just looked it up. Really?

What it says to the community or the industry about what our film is. Like, we have Paul Giamatti in this film. So don't even submit your, you know, this person or that person.

I appreciate that and I like it, but I don't see it. I mean, that's very nice of you to say. I feel the same thing about you, gentlemen. I feel the same way about you.

No, don't even try it.

No, no, I'm not, I'm sincere and honest.

You're keeping it real with your moth protector back there. That's right.

When they say I'm in a movie, they're like, oh great, it's going straight to video. That's good, now we know. It's going straight to video.

I've been in plenty of stuff like that, that's for sure.

But, Paul, you know, what's funny is, and I love, I feel like there have been all these, through the decades that you've been working in film, there have been all these moments, like saving private parts, and then in the 2000s it was sideways, which really, it was so, and I joked that it killed the Merlot business single-handedly.

It did, actually.

But it kind of did, right?

It did, yeah, it actually did, I think, yeah. How so?

I've seen that movie 50 times.

Because of how disparagingly you guys talk about Merlot? Yeah. Sort of like for the Philistines?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude, what, yeah, Paul, you're, even at the mention of Merlot, the look of disgust on your face.

The guy goes crazy, yeah. Which, yeah, I have no idea, yeah. And I knew nothing about wine, I know nothing about wine, I don't, you know. You don't drink it? Not particularly, no.

What's the drink that you like?

What do you like? I like tequila, I like mezcal. Those are the two things that I like a lot.

Paul, is it a problem? Go ahead, will you talk about it? Do you really, do you love it?

At this juncture, I do love it. And at this juncture, it's not a problem. I still am in the loving, I'm still in the love phase. I'm in the honeymoon phase, still with tequila and mezcal. So everything's fine.

I took a sniff out of somebody's, somebody had a beautiful glass of tequila on the rocks yesterday that I took a sniff of. I swear to God, I went into a time machine.

By the way, I watched Jason put his nose in the glass.

I was knee deep into my 20s, I was going pretty fast on a highway, and there were all kinds of things in my pockets.

You had a candle on the dashboard.

Candle on the dashboard.

Paul, Jason used to drive with a lit candle on his dashboard.

Why?

Because he wanted the cops to stop him so bad.

I should have put a Kojak light on my roof.

You should have had the little light to just pop up on the roof. Why did you drive with a lit candle? What was the idea? Just for nighttime, or was it lit all the time?

Paul, it was just because I was blind to my douchiness and I was looking for Atmo, you know?

Jason, when you smelled that tequila thing and it was like a time machine, is there like a desire to drink it? I used to smell it, but I don't have any desire.

Yeah, no, not anymore, because I did it and I was thinking about it. At the time, I was thinking, let's do this until you're sick of it, because you don't want to be doing this when you're in your 40s or 50s.

Oh, that's interesting.

At the level I was doing it.

That's how you thought at the time?

At the time, yeah.

Really? You had that foresight to say, I get it out of the way now?

Yeah, I'm a real black or white guy. Can I be honest with you? That's how I feel about it.

I am too, a little bit too.

Whenever I make a cake, I eat, so, I'm not even kidding, I eat so much of it so that I don't ever want it for a long, long time.

It also makes all the cake go away, so you can't have any more.

Do you, gentlemen, do you drink at all now?

I don't drink anymore.

All three of us don't.

None of you drink anymore?

No, Sean doesn't. No.

Wait a second, Sean, you don't drink? How do I not know that?

Because of New Year's Eve two years ago.

Oh, right. When you're playing games.

Sean disappeared. Sean was doing bit, Paul, this is true, we were at our friend's house and we kept pimping Sean out to do various bits. So he's standing up. It's true. And Sean's doing bits and he's dancing and he's doing all these moves and he's doing impressions of people, and we're all sitting at the table like a monkey.

Oh, my God. Yeah, you had Scotty driving to the hospital.

You had palpitations? What happened? Did you have palpitations?

I get AFib brought on by alcohol. Oh, my God. And so I would just deal with it. I wouldn't know when it comes on. It would come on once or twice a year.

Wait a second, wait a second. So you would have it regularly?

Yeah, like once or twice a year. And I could be at the grocery store, I could be at a party, I could be anywhere. I could be at church.

He's got his own entrance at Cedars. He's got a special back door.

It's in the dock. And now Jimmy Kimmel calls me paddles because I would go so many times to the ER and they would, you know, clear, and get my heart back to regular.

Yeah, and then he FaceTimed back to the party. He says, guys, I'm okay. It's just on schedule here.

So you just quietly took yourself off to the hospital?

Yeah, yeah.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, his set was done.

That's very thoughtful of you.

He's been known to, Paul, he's been known to, in the middle of the night, go to the hospital and not even wake his husband, Scotty, up and then come home. And then he'd tell Scotty the next day that he was at the hospital.

Because you've had these heart palpitations.

Atrial fibrillation.

He's a hypochondriac. He likes to be taken care of.

That doesn't sound like, that sounds like a real thing.

No, no, Paul, he had his own podcast called Hypochondriactor. He's a hypochondriac. He loved it.

I understand. I think I used to be one. I'm kind of a recovering one. I'm not as bad as I used to be. Really?

How'd you get over it?

I'm not exactly sure. I think I outgrew it.

Well, what is a hypochondriac? Like, officially? It's somebody who's irrationally afraid of germs?

No, no, no.

Or worried about their health. Concerned with their health.

Yeah, yeah.

And a kind of constant monitoring of your health.

And making sort of these leaps if they have a sort of a, and I fight against, I think everybody has that, to a certain degree. And I've had it before too.

The older you get too, right?

And I had this thing recently where I had, Jay, I was telling you about, I remember I didn't play golf and I had this sort of pain. I was like, and I'm like, you know what, motherfucker? It's just gas and relax and give yourself a break. Oh, yeah.

What was it?

And it went away.

You're joking. Oh, really?

Like, in that moment, it just vanished.

And I just took it easy for a couple days and I was just like, you know what? Just stop giving it so much fucking credence and stop thinking about yourself and do something else.

Yeah, but you also said you had a three minute fart. On the backside of that, you felt great.

That is true.

If I eat hummus, that happens.

You have a terrible gas.

The valve just gets stuck open?

For the longest one, forever.

Yeah.

I would love to go with you to the Mediterranean somewhere and just get you onto a hummus diet and watch it all fall apart.

I would be,

please excuse my friend. I'm so sorry.

That's amazing.

Paul, I was going to, the other thing I wanted to bring up was,

Sir, yes, please.

And going through all, and I don't want to go through all your credits, but one of the things,

God, no.

And I've been such a fan of yours for a long time. And I even, and I'm a fan of yours despite the fact that you're friends with Thoreau. Oh, that's right.

What's the deal with Thoreau?

Well, he's one of our best friends, but we love to throw as much at him as we can. So let's have your best material now.

No, that's interesting.

Throw it at us.

Beautiful shot. No, no, no, I haven't seen him in ages. I haven't seen him in a long time.

You're better off.

Probably. I think I probably am too. He adamantly will not return my calls, my texts, nothing. Does he do this to you guys?

No, you may have a wrong number for him. You think so? He's pretty good. He likes contacting connection. He loves doing text bits.

Not with me.

Loves his bits on the text.

Not with me, not with me.

He gets really mad with text bits, I've noticed.

Well, it's just, I don't want to participate. I mean, I'm happy to observe, but then I'm constantly feeling like, oh God, everyone is contributing and emojying and double click thumbs up, or ha, ha. And if you're done with them, you're... And if I don't, I'm a dick. or...

I feel the same way.

But I put my phone down and so, right? So that they just think I'm not staring, right?

I agree. I agree.

Pauly, any good...

Oh, is it Pauly now?