Armchair Anonymous: Bartending
2023-11-10 00:44:02
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Doug Piskins, and I'm joined by Flavoris McGooey. Oh, McGooey. McGooey. We have a good episode.
The first one is dicey, but it's not, listen, we've set the bar so disgustingly high. It's not that, it's not disgusting. There's just an injury.
It's not disgusting, yes. It's an injury. There's an injury that gets kind of graphic.
But not in the vagina, as past injuries have been. So you're kind of free. I think it's fine. Just be careful. Just be careful in the first one, but the rest, and then there's one that's so life-affirming, so sexual, between the most unlikely people, it's so great.
These are crazy bartending stories. A job that I regret not ever having.
Yeah, you would have loved it.
I would have. You're right at the epicenter of all the action. Oh, there's everything. People are falling in love.
People are breaking up.
There's fights, there's proposals, there's business deals. You're right. The whole world's happening at a bar.
Oh, God.
That's beautiful.
It really is.
If you can hang at the bar and there's no problem, it's so good. You know, keep doing it. Please enjoy crazy bartending stories.
♪ Hard times, come and go ♪.
♪ Good times, take them slow ♪.
♪. My life, I had them both, ♪ ♪. But for one thing, you gotta know, ♪ ♪. I'ma keep on shining ♪.
Hi, Danielle. Are you a Canadian?
I am, yes. I feel like Kristen Bell right now when he surprised her with the sloth. You guys are my sloth.
Oh, thank you. Where in the great north are you?
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Are you familiar?
Yes, I am. Edmonton Oilers.
That's right.
You got that right. You got that right. Who is your famous oiler? Did Bobby Orr play for the Oilers?
Gretzky.
Oh, that's big time. Even I know Wayne.
That's the biggest of the time. Well, Bobby Orr, he was-.
I don't know him.
Okay, he's the first. But are you a bartender or were you a bartender?
I was, yeah, for about a decade.
Oh, you don't look old enough to have been a bartender for a decade.
Oh, Dax, you don't have to give me compliments. I'm already your biggest fan. I worked in a restaurant for seven years and I'm a mom and I'm married.
So your bartending days are behind you.
They are. You know what? Hey, I'm open to it. I would happily go back.
The one job, well, not the one, but one of the few jobs I really regret I never had was bartender, because to me, it seems so fun. You're constantly at the bar.
You both would be so good at it, because this is it. But it feels hard,
because you're balancing a lot at once as a bar. I feel like it's much harder than it looks.
You think it gets too hectic.
Yeah.
I actually found it easier than serving, because serving, it's like everything is everywhere. And with bartending, it's like, okay, your people are there. Your drinks are here. Everything you need is right there. So if you know how to multitask, you can do it.
You're basically a therapist.
Oh, that's fun. But also I imagine time goes really quick when you're bartending, because it's chaotic. So it's moving fast.
Without drinking, Monica.
There you go.
You don't need wine. The time will go by fast, because it's just that environment if it's a busy place.
Okay, so you have a crazy story?
I think so. So yeah, this takes place in 2009.. I was working full time at a really busy, popular restaurant and bar. And one of the things that made this particular restaurant really popular is that it had an outdoor patio with a full bar.
So I worked out there a lot.
At that point, I'd been there for a while. You had to be pretty fast, because you're doing everything. Like the servers come up for their drinks for the entire patio, and then you've got your wood. That's fancy bar talk for people sitting at the bar. This particular place, it was always packed in the summer.
So this story takes place on a really busy Friday night. We finally got a bit of a lull at about 10.30 at night. I took that opportunity to run into the bar cooler. Also, we're wearing high heels and dresses. Like.
that was the uniform, which obviously very conducive to being on your feet for eight hours.
And sexually harassed by drunk dudes.
Yeah, not ideal, but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do and you get used to it. So I grabbed seven glass beer bottles, because that's what I could efficiently bear hug and then run it back to my patio bar. So it's easy, like there's a sliding door. I don't have to touch anything, so I could hold all these beer bottles. And then, when you go outside, immediately there's two steps.
And since you're outside, things get spilled and people leave them, and it's like, whatever, we'll get to it later. So naturally I step in a puddle and I slip. So I drop all of my beer bottles on the ground and then immediately fall into the broken glass.
Oh, in a skirt?
Yeah, the way I landed, I kind of like landed on my knees. So I wasn't just like legs up or anything like that. So the patio is still full. This is Friday night, like everybody's there, still. Everyone's looking at me, horrified, like, are you okay?
So I just pop up, like that's what you do. You just stand up, I'm fine, everything's fine. But immediately I knew something was wrong, because my hand just hurt so bad. Like you've got so many nerves in it. So immediately I was like, it's just excruciating.
So I'm like, okay, I've got a deal. I'm just gonna go inside, go right back to where I came from and go to the first aid kit and get some band-aids, because my hand is cut, obviously. So I walk inside and I'm kind of going as fast as I can and I look. and in the dining room inside, all these people are also looking at me, like they're horrified. Did they see me fall out the window?
Like, there's no way. And I'm holding my hand, I'm like, okay, this is weird. So I just keep going and I go to the first aid kit and one of my friends who was in nursing school and she's normally like really bubbly. She's just white as a ghost. Uh-oh.
She goes into first responder mode. She's like, can I give you first aid? And I'm holding my hand and I'm like, okay. Thinking like, what are you gonna do? I'm just gonna put a band-aid on my hand.
She takes a bunch of clean towels, I don't know where she got them, and she squeezes my leg. It was only at this point that I realized my leg is bleeding. So she goes into rescue mode here and I feel like I'm going to faint because the pressure. So it turns out that when I fell, I actually sliced my leg all the way open. I left like shin and I didn't know because my hand hurt so bad.
You were distracted by your hand.
And I was embarrassed because all these people are staring at me.
Monica would have been crying, but not from the pain, from the embarrassment.
But I felt like I was on stage. So immediately you just get off and you leave and you go to the back and lick your wounds. It was crazy. So some kitchen guy that I didn't know graciously drove me to the closest emergency room, where I waited in my little black dress and high heels for several hours till I got stitched up. So I ended up with 27 stitches.
27?.
So I had a total of 22 in my leg and five in my hand, which is still what hurt the most. It was really awkward because I couldn't really do anything. But when I did go back to work, one of my colleagues told me that he saw me walking through the dining room. and the reason, Monica, plug your ears, you're not going to like this. The reason everyone was staring at me is because, as I was walking, the blood from my leg was going into my shoes and it was like gushing out the sides.
Like a chocolate fountain?
Not very appetizing.
Oh, my God.
Danielle, was any part of you grateful that you got to miss the cleanup, since you had to go to the emergency room?
Very much. And you know, the first thing I thought was I'm going to have to pay for all the beers I smashed.
Oh, my God.
Right, right, right. The owner's thinking like, oh fuck, we're getting sued for $100,000 and you think you got to reimburse them for $23.. I know. How quickly were you back on the job?
Bartending, it was 10 days. I was, three days later, I was doing manager stuff, which I had never done before, but just so that I could do something and not be doing manual labor, basically with the stitches.
Did the owner send you flowers or chocolate or anything to say? Oh.
No, they did tell me I didn't have to wear high heels anymore. I think that lasted a week and then I just decided to wear them again because everyone else gave me a hard time. They're like, oh, you don't have to wear high heels, but everybody else, I'm like, you know what? It's just easier to wear the high heels. It's fine.
Jesus. Oh, wow.
They should have probably made that a policy for everyone. Maybe we don't wear high heels.
Yeah, well, I think now it's actually the law that they can't do that.
Oh, okay, good, good, good.
Did you meet your current husband while bartending?
I did.
Tell us, was he a customer or a coworker?
He was a coworker. He worked in the kitchen. And then he did leave for a bit and I ran into him later. Yeah, so that's why I don't regret anything, because not working there would have changed the whole trajectory of my life. But that's actually very common.
Like several of the girls that I worked with met their husbands that way, either from serving them or working with them.
And did you love the lifestyle? It's a very fast lifestyle and I like that.
At first I did. It's difficult when you have friends who have kind of the nine to five, because it's the opposite. So unless you're really into that bar scene, which, you know, that only lasts for so long. And we start drinking here at 18.. So you kind of get that bar star thing out of your system right away.
So by the time you're in your early 20s, you're like ready to move on, or some of us are.
Either commit fully or back off. That's the inflection point.
Was not ready to have that be my life. So I did like the lifestyle and it was really good for being in school.
And you make good money too, right?
It was really good money.
Like what would you make in a night, like a Saturday night, bartending? A few hundred bucks?
Those Friday night patio shifts. Sometimes I would make like $500..
Wow, that's great. Yes, how else are you gonna do that? You'd have to work 10 hours at $50 an hour. Who's hiring for $50 an hour?
Yeah, so I'd say, on average, you'd probably make about $200.. So it's really hard. You get sucked into that.
It's like stripping. A couple of girls I went to high school with were stripping in Santa Barbara. Yeah, and they were making like $2,000 a night.
For both of those things, you age out. But when are you gonna bring Ted Seegers up here? How do we get our hands on those? Because that wouldn't cut me. It's a can.
That's right. It would be very hard for you. You'd have to fall off of a building for the can to break open. in a way. We're gonna grow as fast as we can, but of course we cannot wait to be in Canada, because it's a Detroit company and we're right across the bridge.
So that is very much an aim. Awesome. Yeah. Danielle, so nice meeting you. I'm glad you survived this rush with death at the hands of seven broken beer bottles.
Thank you so much for telling us that story.
So nice to meet you. Take care, guys.
All right, bye-bye. Bye.
Hello.
Hi.
I love your hair. It reminds me of the one I used, which was Revlon Outrageous Cherry. What's the color?
Intense red. I wish I had a cooler name.
No, it's an electric name. Okay, so, Maddie, you were a bartender.
Yeah, in Magna, Utah, which is a super small town.
And bars are interesting there, right? Because you only have like three, two beer and you gotta have a membership to drink hard alcohol and all that?
It is three, two beer. Now, when I was serving, it was two, seven.
What does this mean?
Yeah, I might've messed that up.
The alcohol percentage in the beer was only 2.7%. The standard is like three, two. Got it.
Oh, okay. So I said the standard, all right.
Ours was like much lower and they only made it for like Utah and Oklahoma. So Utah liquor laws are really strict. We have the lower percentage beer and we also had, you can't have more than an ounce and a half of the same liquor in front of you at once. Oh, wow.
Really?
So you can't order a double?
No. Wow.
Okay, so you're bartending, but kind of. Are people getting fucked up anyways? They figure out how to, they just drink more, right?
Oh yeah, they just drink more and they bar hop. And that's the thing with Magna. This bar was on a historic main street. There are four bars all within five minutes walking distance of each other. So you just bar, hop and bartenders don't know.
This particular night, I have tons of stories, but this night I had just gotten on shift. It was about six o'clock, cashing in my till. And, like I said, Magna's really small. So I know everybody. So when new people walk in, we're always a little bit leery.
These two guys walk in, never seen them before, very clearly intoxicated, barely walking straight. I just started my shift. I don't want to start fighting with people. So I tell them, hey guys, I'm happy. if you want to hang out.
I'm not going to serve you anything, but I'll make you some coffee. I'll get you some soda, water. I don't want them driving. And they were like, okay, we'll have some water. One of the two guys, he takes his water, chugs it, and is like, hey, I'm ready.
Give me a beer. Okay, he just thought he needed one water and he'd be good to go.
Yeah. I'm like, that's not how it works. I'm not going to serve you at all.
Yeah.
He immediately was pissed. I'm like, really? We're going to go to zero, to a hundred. Cool. All right.
That's fine. You can leave. I don't need you here. They're like kind of yelling, but they willingly get up and leave.
Oh, good.
They walked down the street. And so in my head, I'm like, they're going to go to the next bar. Yeah. So, just to be nice, I text the bartender just down the way a little bit and say, hey, these two guys are probably going to come in. Do not serve them.
Probably about 20 minutes goes by and I get a text back from her saying, oh shit, I served them. And I get why I shouldn't have. I think they're coming back to you.
Oh boy. Now quickly, who's on staff at the bar? you're at?
Just me.
There's no big boys there.
No. At this point, we only have door guys on the weekends. And this was like a Tuesday or Wednesday night. Oh boy. So I'm completely by myself.
And I'm like 27,, 140 pounds. I'm 5'10". So I'm a little intimidating, but not much.
Yeah.
There were quite a few of my motorcycle guys there hanging out. So I felt a little safer. Anyway, they do come back and start demanding alcohol. I'm done. I'm fed up.
So I start screaming at them. I am not going to serve you. Get out. Just go home. I'll call you a cab.
So then they start screaming at me, telling me I'm a bitch and all the words. So at this point, my motorcycle dudes kind of stand up and start looking a little intimidating and pushing them out. Side note, one guy was like six foot, 180 pounds, soaking wet. The other one's six, five, 300 pounds. There we go.
Wait, of the motorcycle. boys or the drunk dudes?
Oh, no, the drunk boys.
Oh, that's not what we want. I wanted the motorcycle guys to be that size.
Okay. They were pretty burly guys, but they weren't anything on this guy. But you know, there were more of them. So they're hurting them out for me and they're still screaming and they're wanting to fight these motorcycle guys. And as they get to the door, the bigger guy looks me dead in the eyes and says, I'm going to get my gun.
You're dead, bitch. No. And I'm just like, like, what do you do? I immediately go call the cops. And my bar, the whole front of the bar, facing the street is windows, floor to ceiling.
So we've got a perfect view of what these guys are doing. We get them out and then they walk across the street to the parking lot. The bigger guy gets in the car and then the little guy tries to get in and can't open any of the doors. And so we're kind of watching like, what's going on?
Turned into a cartoon a little bit, yeah.
And he starts like rolling around his front seat. He can't get out. What? He's locked himself inside of his car. What?
How can that be?
I have no idea, but we're just all laughing at him. You are so stupid and drunk. So I'm telling dispatch, this is what's going on. I'm actually worried. he's gonna drive off at this point and hurt himself or somebody else.
Of course.
So I kind of turned my back to the windows to talk to the patrons, also while I'm on hold with dispatch. And then suddenly we hear a loud bang and the glass right next to me shatters. No. It took me a whole 10 seconds of shock to be like, he just shot at me.
Oh, my God.
From his car?
Yeah, just right across the street.
He's out of the car now and he has a gun. Oh my goodness.
Well, I didn't see him have a gun. He was just like huffing and puffing. Devil in his eyes. I don't know where his friend went. Within this 10 seconds of me realizing what's happening and seeing the glass all over the floor, I scream at all my patrons to get back to the back of the bar, get down.
I hurry and lock the door. Luckily, the cops showed up. They were super quick on scene, got him arrested. And then the owner showed up to like go over the surveillance cameras and to see what happened. It turned out.
he picked up a two by four and chucked it out the window.
Oh, my Lord.
They found it. They found like a big nail sticking out of it. So the nail must've just barely hit the window in such a perfect spot, but it sounded exactly like a gun. Yeah.
I'm sure when that glass broke, it was like a gunshot. Oh my God.
And that was a triple pain window. We're used to gunshots in Magna. Oh. So we've got windows to protect us from that stuff. But the owner submitted a lawsuit.
He didn't respond.
Were you asked to go to the police station and identify him or any of that stuff, or come to a trial?
Yeah. So I was asked to come to a trial and I had to give my perspective of what happened, but he didn't respond to the lawsuit from the owners. So one of the owners had experience on Judge Judy. So he just submitted it over to Judge Judy. What?
No.
Wait, what?
He's like, maybe they'll pick up our case. I think, no matter what the show pays out the lawsuit.
Right, yeah.
That's my understanding.
Yeah, so he figured we'll get our money one way or the other, right? Oh, wow. But he still didn't respond to that either. They picked up the case. They're like, let's fly y'all out to LA.
What?
This is crazy.
But I think that was the kick in the pants for him of, oh, I probably need to do something about this, take accountability. Anyway, we did see him in small claims court in Salt Lake. I sat across from him and he wouldn't look me in the eyes. His wife just sat there like rubbing his back, and talked for him basically the whole time.
Oh, boy.
As I start recounting the story of what happened, my experience, he starts sobbing. And afterwards he was just like, I'm so sorry. I have zero memory. I feel like I've never seen you before. I can't believe that I would scare you like that.
Oh, gosh. And at this point, I'm like six months pregnant too.
Oh my God, that's a huge detail.
Piece of the story, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, I guess I was very newly pregnant when this happened. So by the time we got to court, I was like six months pregnant. Oh, God.
Well, that's why he didn't remember you, because now you were pregnant. He's like, you know. Like I knew, there was this one girl,
but I didn't know there was a pregnant girl.
No, I never fucked with any pregnant ladies. I have morals. I only throw two by fours at non-pregnant women.
Oh, wow.
Man, you know, wow, at an end because, well, I hate this guy hearing this story. He scared everybody to death. It's terrifying. Could have killed him. And then another part of me that's read a lot of books about trauma goes like, well, that guy was certainly dealing with some shit clearly.
Well, he was an addict, obviously.
Yeah.
I hope he got some help.
Did he get sentenced to any jail time or no?
No, I think he did spend one night in jail until his wife could bail him, but that was it.
And I bet some folks there in court were going, Z, and this is why we do 2.7.. Imagine what would happen if we were doing three, two beer. Oh my God.
But I wonder what happened to the skinny guy.
He got the fuck out of there. He's like, this guy's loco.
Maybe he went in the car and got locked in the trunk.
Oh, he found his way into the trunk.
They were having all these problems with the car getting in and out.
How much longer did you tend bar there?
About another year and a half.
In a violent little strip of land there where fights common?
Oh yeah, my first night there, I watched somebody just get jumped from behind and beaten to almost death. He was almost dead. People were murdered back there in the vicinity, not in my bar, but I've had knives, guns, all the things pointed at me.
I want to go there now. I really do. I want to go.
Why?
What are you going to do? I don't know what it is.
In your fantasy, what's going to happen?
I just, I remember being around that so much that some part of me goes like, oh yeah, it's where everything's happened. I want to go. I need to see everything. I don't know. I don't know what it is.
Okay. You know, arousal.
They do karaoke every night. Just go, do karaoke and see what happens.
Yeah, just see what goes down.
Well, I'm glad you're safe.
Yes. No kidding. How scary, Maddie.
Yeah, it was. I think about it a lot, but I'm pregnant with my fourth now, so we're good. Oh, what?
Fourth, you're cranking them out.
Was that the first?
It was my second.
Oh, my gosh. Well, congratulations.
Yes. Thank you. Yeah, that's a lot of little ones.
And thanks for sharing.
Well, thank you guys. I appreciate it. My sister made me do it because she loves you guys. She's an addict herself, and your vulnerability helped her through so much.
Oh, what's her name?
Lauren.
Lauren, we love you.
Thanks for listening.
Thank you guys. I appreciate you. All right. Bye.
Bye-bye, take care.
Bye, guys.
I just saw your stupid hand start to wave.
It's not a stupid hand, it's a regular hand.
Bye.
Bye, that's good.
We always get so. zany about seven and eight.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, my God, are you in a TV? What are you in?
Pretty much, basically. I live in the Northeast and we don't really have closets, so I've kind of constructed.
Thank you for making that.
I did this contraption with a blanket behind me and over me and back around.
Oh, my God. Well, you sound dynamite.
Exactly, it works.
Yeah, okay, cool.
Where are you in the East Coast?
Right now I'm in Pennsylvania.
Big state, lots of cities. Which one?
Lancaster.
I don't know, Lancaster. You're saying that with- Some hesitation.
Yeah, some shame.
David actually did a flightless bird on it, because this is where all the Amish are.
Oh, wonderful. You see a lot of horse and buggies?
Oh, my God, everywhere.
Wow.
But I've only been here for a year. I moved here from Austin.
Oh my God, that's a radical change. What brought you there, a lover?
No, graduate school.
Graduate school, that makes sense. What are you getting your graduate degree in?
Clinical psychology.
Oh, you're a pervert.
It's actually thanks to you guys. a little bit. Oh, really? I was bartending for forever and managing. And I actually had, like, a really serious injury and I was laid up for a while.
I broke my leg in a bunch of places. Oh no. There's no cool story behind it. And I started listening to you guys and you had so many social scientists and I was thinking of going back to school and was listening to you guys, and it kind of sealed the deal for me. Oh, wow.
Had you gone to UT?
No, I didn't. I actually grew up in New Jersey. I went to school in Rochester, New York, then moved down to Texas. I like moving.
So, were you a bartender in Austin? Yes, I was. And is that where your crazy story takes place?
It is.
I wish it had taken place with the Amish.
Absolutely, like rumspringa story?
Yeah.
But it's okay. All right, let's hear it.
Yeah, so I was working in downtown Austin, Texas at the time. We were like right on the outskirts of the very downtown area. At the time I was managing also. So on Wednesdays, I started to notice that this elderly couple was coming in. They had been coming in for like three months.
at the time. They'd come in and the husband would beeline to the bar. The wife would go and get their table. It was the table directly in front of the entrance. And then, to the right, it was directly in front of the main well of the bar.
So we're employees always making drinks. It was the busiest spot in the bar. So this was like the highest traffic area.
That sounds like the worst table for me. So that'd be uncommon that anyone would want that table.
Absolutely the worst table in the house, yep. But every time they sat there and they would always face the bar, which was kind of weird. And they wouldn't like watch TV or anything. They would just be facing us directly.
Oh, my God.
So the husband would come to the bar. He'd order them the same drinks every time. He'd get them one round. He wasn't friendly and we were super friendly staff. So that was always kind of weird for us.
But he would go sit down. The couple wouldn't talk to each other the whole time. And then at some point the wife would get up and go to the bathroom for a really long time. Like a really long time. The first time it happened, I was like, is she okay?
And kind of went in the bathroom to make sure everything was good. So that was kind of on my radar. They would get another round and then they wouldn't drink their drinks at all. They would just close the tab and leave.
What?
So they come in this one Wednesday. We're uncharacteristically slow. Normally Wednesdays we have like a really good, regular crowd. So that spot in the bar would always be full of people. This one, I feel like it was raining or something was going on in town where nobody was sitting at the bar top.
So, you know, same drill, they came in. So a little bit later, I'm making a drink at the first. well, and I look up and first I see the wife has her eyes closed. She's kind of like leaned back and I was like, is she sleeping? And I look at the husband and I noticed like his arm is just like pumping under the table.
He's stimulating her.
He's DJing.
I still didn't even have to process what was happening, but like, it was really aggressive. Wait, how old are they?
I know you said old, but like, what would you say?
40?. I'm saying 75 to be kind.
Okay.
And he is jack rabbiting that, wow. He still has the strength and the dexterity. She still has the appetite. Wow. What a couple.
Honestly, it's impressive. Like afterwards we talked about it and we were like, that's great for them. Keeping it alive, you know? Yeah, so it takes me a minute to figure out what's going on. And when I do, it clicks.
I'm like, oh my God, my jaw drops. I make direct eye contact with my door guy who's just noticed the same thing. Both of us at the same time are like, oh shit.
Oh, my God.
Mind you, he's only like five feet away from this table too. So I sprinted over to him and I was like, okay, I need you to kick them out, obviously.
Like, are you going to let her finish?
This is the question.
Damage is done, let her finish, and then we'll get them out of here.
Exactly. You know, it's an exhibitionism thing. during that main part. We actually had part of the bar that had couches hidden. They could have done this with nobody seeing them, nobody interrupting.
That wouldn't have gotten her off.
The whole point is for us to see them.
Yes, yes, kinky.
So he's like, I'm not doing it. I'm not going up and saying that.
Oh God. What a door man.
I know.
So, actually I'd worked with him for a really long time. This is the only time he ever said no. So I was like, man, like, if you say no, he's really not doing it. This is definitely 100% on me now. I was like, all right, do I do it now or do I wait?
Till she lights up her cigarette. Right?
I can't walk up in the middle of this. There's no way I could pull that off. I'm too embarrassed. Like, I just cannot do it. We're going to let her finish.
Is it audible?
It's not actually. They're very quiet. It's more like the facial expressions and the arm movements, but it's still not subtle.
One more question. Is she in a dress or is he down some denim?
I think it was a skirt she was wearing.
Oh, perfect. Okay. 80 year old in a skirt.
80 year old in a skirt. You know, we also realized that this couple have been doing this for three months.
Oh, what? That's what you're putting together. Like. they've been doing this for three months. And no one's noticed.
One of the other regulars was like, oh yeah, like they do that every week. It's like, I've just never seen it, because there's always people sitting here. This has been a weekly thing for three months now.
Oh, my God.
What horn dogs?
At first I was like, all right, good for them. And I was like, all. right, now I'm getting kind of annoyed. They've been doing this. I don't know who's seen this.
Now we're all talking about it. I'm like, nobody look at them. Like. that's what they want.
Also, it now explains why it's empty on this Wednesday. People are like, don't go in there Wednesday. There's old timers.
Also, what is she doing in the bathroom? Like cleaning up?
Yeah, probably sorting out her. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Or finishing herself.
Getting into her purse and pulling out the jackrabbit. I'm sorry. This is so fun. Horny seniors. We just won't.
Like. you know what makes it,
now listen, you know what makes it safe is like they're so old.
No, it's great. I just want to hear more.
Okay.
I tell the bartenders, and now they're telling regulars. So everybody in the bar is involved in this too, which feels like weirdly participatory. now. 20 people are waiting for this woman to come, and it's so awkward. So finally she finishes, and it's also very obvious.
There's no noise, luckily, but the jaw drop and she throws her head back.
Oh, it's a great one.
It's very performative.
Yes, this must be it. And she gets up and she goes to the bathroom, which explains all of that. Like she's cleaning herself up, maybe finishing herself off.
In your sink. Oh, in the sink, ew.
Hand dryer. Ugh.
I feel ageist.
You do? It's like a good side of ageist.
I personally feel ageist because I just think it's grosser. Oh. That it's an older person.
I mean, it is. Well.
To think of her in the bathroom cleaning up.
Well, hold on, no, it's two things. In some ways it's grosser and then in other ways it's more life affirming.
Yeah, that's your positive side. I'm saying I feel ageist, because I don't. I think the bathroom cleanup is.
Is low rank.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, that's fair.
I felt weirdly ageist writing this in, but then I think about. it's like the exhibitionism is really more of the issue than the age thing.
Let's stay focused, yeah.
So I'm like, okay, she's in the bathroom. This is my shot. They hadn't gotten their second round and they hadn't closed out. It's like, okay, great. This is an easy way for me to go over and talk to this guy.
Close this tab. I'm so nervous. Am I pumping myself up? Also, I'm like a four foot 11 girl in Texas. This is an old Texas guy.
I'm not to get yelled at. I'm 100% certain of it. They start walking over like, all right, here we go. Put the tab on the table. And I was like, sir, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm going to have to ask you not to come back to this bar. And he looks at me like shocked. And he's like, why? And I wasn't really expecting that response at all.
Just kind of stared at him for a while. And I was like, please, sir, don't make me say it. Yeah. I can't. He's like, fair enough.
Tipped us 25%. They left and never came back.
Wow. So in the end, he kind of was a gentleman. Is that what we would say?
That's what the wife would say.
Well, truly. I want to know more about her Wednesdays before they go to the bar. Is she titillated all day long that they're going? And follow up, do we think this was a once a week thing, or do you think they had bars all over the city that he was jerking her off in?
My bet is they like would find a home bar and would probably do it as long as they could until they got kicked out. And then they'd move on to another place because they were coming to us every Wednesday for a while. Oh, wow.
Do you think they've been doing this?
since they were 30 or 20? Figuratively and literally.
coming to you. Like, do you think they've been doing this for 70 years together?
It's probably why they're still together. Wow. I'm envious of the whole situation, to be honest.
We all came to that as well.
Yeah.
Yes. And I would say it's almost anti-ageist. If anything, they're benefiting from their age, because if it were a couple in their 20s, it would feel a bit predatorial. You'd be nervous about them. No?
Oh, yeah, probably.
There's something that would just go from kinky to like, I don't know. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. This is like playful. Grandma and Grampy.
But ew. But ew.
No one ever observed him getting service. Now that you found out all these people had seen that many times, it's crazy to me. people had seen it and not told you.
And not said anything, I know. Yes.
I know.
I think everybody enjoyed it a little bit. Like, everybody thought it was funny. And it was like, oh, that's the quirk of this bar. Like, it was a very quirky bar. So I feel like a lot of people were like, okay, cool.
I'd love to see that for sure. What's worse? That I wanted to go to the violent bar town or that I want to see the old timer? Both are bad. Okay, okay.
Both are bad.
But you would pick for me to be a part of this one, because I wouldn't get hurt.
Yeah, I don't want you in an unsafe environment. I guess you're making me choose. Yes, lesser of two.
I'll let you go to this bar. Okay, great. Well, Sabrina, that was a banger of a story. Yeah, just awesome. Thank you.
Yeah, really appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing that. Wow. I'll be thinking about that one for a bit.
Yeah, I'm going to think about that tonight.
Oh God, ew!
So great meeting you guys.
Okay, good luck with grad school.
Bye, thank you.
She's an 80 year old nympho. It's so exciting.
It is very fascinating.
It is. Tom, can you hear us?
Yeah, we can.
Oh, wonderful. You said we. Is there more than one of you there?
I gave myself up already. My fiance's here.
You blew up your spot.
I did.
Are you watching the Beckham documentary?
I haven't seen it yet.
Oh, you need to see it, because your hair is looking very Beckham right now.
And your sweater.
Actually, it's in the Northeast here. It's actually nice today. So we get to wear a T-shirt.
We blew that one. I maintain that your hair does look like Beckham's, currently.
Well, and I'm a soccer player, so that works.
Oh, wonderful. Okay, where are you at in the Northeast?
Boston, just outside the city.
Oh, I got you, I got you. Okay, so you were or are a bartender?
I was, yes.
What year was this?
This was, let's see, 13 years ago. So fast math.
Okay, 10, 2010.. Yeah, that was easy.
Yeah, 2010..
We got lucky.
I'll make it harder for you coming up, okay?
Okay, please do. I like a challenge. And you're bartending in Boston, because that's a rowdy place to bartend, I think.
I have bartended in Boston, but at this point I was bartending in Southern New England. I'm keeping things vague for a reason. Oh, great.
Because there's some legal stuff. Okay, great. Tell us what happened.
A little bit of background. I'm bartending one night a week at this dive bar. The owner had known me for a while. It's a place where there's a bunch of bars, a little beach community, and he wanted me to come and work for him. And eventually I was like, okay, but if I could have Monday night, which is the bartender's Saturday night, I wanted all service industry so that, you know, they tip very well.
It's a fun group.
Smart, okay, that's clever.
Yeah, and this comes into play later as well. So I was able to get that and able to build it up as the service industry place to go on a Monday night. And then one night, it's just regular night, and a couple walks in. She's in her early 20s. She's mid 20s.
They order beers and something just seems off with her.
With her.
Correct. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Not alarming, just off. And then they ordered another round, but then he gets up to go to the bathroom and I go over to her and I'm just like, hey, is everything okay? And she just looks at me, scared and was just like, no, everything's not okay.
I'm on a blind date. I don't know him. And I don't know where I am.
Oh, my God.
Oh fuck. She's been roofing all?
No, she wasn't roofied. I asked her, I was like, where are you from? And she told me she's like an hour away. I was like, so he drove you an hour and didn't tell you where you were going on a blind date? And she was like, yes.
Oh boy.
So she's scared. Yes. Oh boy.
Wow, good Spidey senses.
Yeah, really good job, Tom. Yeah.
Any bartender is going to do the same thing. I have to believe. I hope.
That's very optimistic, but I'll take your word for it.
Most of the bartenders I know would pick up on that. So anyways, I'm like, all right, just stay there. No matter what happens, just stay in your seat. I'm going to confront somebody who comes out of the bathroom. We'll take care of this and we'll make sure that you get home, because you do live very far away.
The bar, again, is full of all service industry people. So we're all going to make sure that she gets home. The guy comes out and I'm like, hey, not a big deal. Just pay your tab and it's time to go. And he's like, oh no, my date's over there.
And I'm like, yeah, so that's the thing. That's over.
That's what this is about, actually, is why you got to leave.
I didn't just randomly pick you out. So then he's like, well, no. And then he starts getting really rough. Like he's ready to fight. And, Dax, I know you're like tall guys.
I'm six foot five.
Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah.
This guy was taller than me and had at least 100 pounds on me.
Oh my God. Would he play for the Patriots? Maybe.
So when he started getting confrontational, I was like, you know what? Don't worry about the tab. Let's just go. At which point, one of my good friends at the time was a bouncer there, just not on duty. So he came over and he had my back and we kind of got him out to his car.
We thought this was going to be it. Worst comes to worst, he didn't pay a tab. Like, not a big deal. Right. And then we get him into the car.
He closes the door, tries to open it again, yelling profanity, he's ready to fight us. You could tell. So I pinned the door shut with my leg. I was like, just go, just go, just go. So then he starts driving away and about 100 feet up from our bar, he just comes to a screeching halt.
And that's when we knew like, oh no. We're fighting. This is not going to be good. There was two girls that were local bartenders, smoking outside. And as the car is pulling around, I just look at them and I'm like, hey, go, get everybody and call the cops.
So they went inside, got everybody, presumably, but this guy is screeching back towards us. He stops in front of us and he reaches into the back of his car.
Oh, great.
And he pulls out a baseball bat.
Oh.
Okay. Only slightly preferable to a gun. Gun, yeah.
Dax and Monica, I've never been so happy to find out that a guy's pulling a baseball bat.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
I was like, it's not a gun. All right, all right. We can maybe deal with this, but a gun, we can't. Yeah. He starts charging us.
And when he gets close, my focus is on that bat. Like, if I get that bat, my buddy here can take care of the rest. He either holds onto the bat and has one hand, or he lets it go. I can get rid of the bat and he's got two of us. So I'm standing at the bat, standing at the bat, and he hits me in the Adam's apple.
Oh.
Oh, he punched you. Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
Dax, you can please back me up on this. When you get hit normally in a fight, you don't feel it at the time.
Yeah, not at all.
Your adrenaline's pumping. I can tell you, you feel it right away when someone hits you in the Adam's apple.
Good tip. Good to know. Wow, wow, wow. Did you feel like you couldn't breathe right away?
I don't remember that. I just remember it being the only time I've ever been hit, where I actually felt pain right away.
Oh, interesting.
And maybe someone could write in.
We'll have an Adam's apple episode.
Crazy Adam apple story.
So I grabbed the bat and then, when I turned around, I realized my buddy, the bouncer, he ran back inside.
Oh, he left. Uh-oh. Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. He had to take a squirt or he didn't want to be involved with this guy?
I think he saw the bat and just wasn't having it. I don't know. I just knew that this guy could not get back into that girl. But luckily, a lot of guys did run out. The girls did go in and tell them like, hey, go outside, I need help.
And then my roommate at the time, he's the first one to get there to start hitting him, as I'm still holding the bat. So I did get the bat. We'll just jump forward to the point where he wants to get away from us. We get him into the car. He drives away.
The cops get there very quickly, by the way. And one of the cops looked down, saw his shoes, his glasses, which are all broken, and the bat on the ground. And he's just like, man, you guys really fucked this kid up, huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sounds so New England, the story.
It does.
It really does.
It's very Goodwill hunting. It is, it is, it is. It's gonna be a Detroit story too. Yeah, it's good.
I was gonna say, that's gotta be interchangeable.
Yes, yes, I think so. So the cops go, okay, you guys really fucked this guy up. We're not gonna say good job,
Yeah, exactly. So he drove towards the nearest bridge, which was the only way out on that side. The cops got there, they got him.
Oh, wonderful.
So we still have this girl who's at the bar. She has no phone. She has no money. She lives an hour away, and we can't even get a cab to come. get her because no cab services this area.
So finally, the cops get a cab to come out because we're talking 2010 here. There's no Uber or anything. And the whole bar gets together, puts in five, 10 bucks each, and we pay for her whole cab ride. She's off, she's safe.
Good job, boys.
And then I hadn't heard anything for about a month. Then, all of a sudden, late one night, like 2.30, I had sent everyone else home. I hear the door open. So one of the other guys must have left the door open. And I'm like, shit, I have a ton of money here.
Like, what am I gonna do? It's a uniformed police officer. So I'm like, cool. And he's like, oh, are you so-and-so? And he used my full name.
And I was like, yeah, what's going on? And he goes, oh, you're under arrest. So my heart's like going a mile a minute. I'm like ready to get cuffed. And he goes, no, I'm just messing with you, man.
Again, welcome to New England.
Oh, my God, Boston. What the hell?
I was like, that's not funny. That's not funny at all.
It is to him and his buddies.
And he goes, yeah, but I had you. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you did. And he goes, no, but I'm just kidding. You are subpoenaed.
Oh, okay, we can live with that.
So then I end up going to court. I find out that this guy already has assault charges. So he's already on trial from an assault in a different state. I actually didn't have to testify. He took a plea deal for three years.
Oh, no kidding.
I'm guessing his other trial was pretty bad.
Thank God she escaped.
We never did find out what his intentions were.
No, we don't know.
I mean, I gotta imagine they weren't great, but what exactly were they?
Yeah, I don't know. I've thought about that too. He seemed like a nice guy before he flipped.
You know what I mean? Right.
But obviously she was getting not good vibes. So I don't know what happened there. or it was the hour long car ride.
What kind of car was he driving?
It was silver, probably like a Nissan Sentra or something like that. Like a small compact.
Okay, 6'5 and a compact.
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