Julia Louis-Dreyfus Returns

And I feel, you know, not much about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I put a tiny pause in there after Hello and welcome, and then the title of the podcast. Just to create drama, dramatic tension, incredible tension. Anything could happen this episode now.

I don't think anybody knew what we were listening to. Anything could happen and anything will. Oh my God, I don't feel safe.

I've triggered you with my silences. How's everybody doing? How are you, Mr. Gorley? I'm doing pretty good.

We haven't seen each other in a while. Because you've been gallivanting and globetrotting. I've been globetrotting, gallivanting out there, doing my thing. Yeah, I've covered a lot of ground, but I'm back. You got sick? Yeah, I got a little sick.

Yeah, that's all right. It's just what happens. When I travel a lot, I always catch a cold when I'm in the plane a lot. And some people say, it's the selfies I love to. I will offer a selfie if someone doesn't even want one.

Oh, no, I'll be like, Hey you, you want a selfie? what don't you want a selfie? I was a late night king.

What, there goes, all the dramatic tension, yeah.

I'm good, I feel like I don't want to say this because it makes me sound really stupid. But I live in Altadena and there's a lot of animals there. And we have friends down the street, these guys, Jeff and Amanda, and they're wonderful. And they always warn us if there's animals. When you say animals, what do you mean?

Bears, peacocks, coyotes. like legit animals.

You know, what, what, you mad at me because I hate it. When you have the answer is that true. Did they escape?

They're escaped peacocks, I don't know if they, I think they are escaped from, yeah, the arboretum, you know, it's funny. We have, because we took our daughter there and it stole her. Grilled cheese well.

Could have been anyone, don't you know, to immediately accuse a peacock, I think, is we saw it happen. Oh, you saw the peacock do it. I have to say L.A. is a very strange place because these animals get loose. There's a whole bunch of parrots that live in our neighborhood that clearly they escaped and they're up in the trees and they all know filthy limericks.

Once was a lady from Nantucket, she really knew how to suck it, you know? And you're like, I'm trying to raise my children, caw, caw, caw, and it's awful.

It's terrible, but yeah, there's very strange animals roaming around L.A. and Altadena. It's a little out there, it's up there, it's up there.

It's an elevation, you live up the mountain, yeah. So our neighbor Jeff texted us and was like, Bobcat headed towards your backyard. I love it, I love it.

I immediately thought he meant the machine and not the animal. Oh, I thought you were going to say Bobcat Goldthwait, so this is why this is stupid, but wait a minute, you thought Bobcat meaning the snowmobile, what?

Like a pool excavator. Wait, what are we talking about? This is so stupid, what? This is why I didn't want to tell this story.

Bobcat is a.

Yeah, I thought that's what he meant. It's just like a snowmobile. I thought someone rented a bobcat or a little mini tractor, yeah.

And then was driving it into our backyard. Oh my God, Sona, it's so stupid, Sona, that's. But then I have to pull this up.

It's very quick and it's very easy because it's so stupid. But this is what I thought he was talking about, I thought he was talking about the machine. I'm just going to search Bobcat, because that's the only when I heard Bobcat, I thought it's the thing that races around on the snow.

Bobcat is that not what Bobcat is? No, you're talking about a bobsled. I'm thinking about the machine, the tractor.

The tractor, that's it. Should we clean this up then? Because my thing might be too confusing? No, we're talking about it. It's nice for people to see your flaws and foibles.

So he tells us that, and then he just went.

Bobcat just went towards your backyard and I go, a real one, you still mean, a real tractor? What if it was a bobcat riding one of those little vehicles?

That would be great. And he looked at you and he winked right at the camera and went, Get it, it was so stupid. So this whole time he's texting me, warning me about this animal, I think he's talking about the machine.

So he goes, No bobcat, golf weight. yes, a bobcat, and I go, why, why? Oh Jesus.

So all this time, you could have been rescuing your twins in the backyard from a murdering wild animal. And instead, you're going back and forth, like Bobcat real one, what do you mean? bobcat, golf, weight, cuckoo?

And meanwhile, in the background, he's like wrapping them up in tortillas. Yeah, yeah, so it just went on, and then he goes, and then I go, why?

And he goes, Maybe Steve Guttenberg was running around, so we're just having two different conversations. It's so stupid. And then it hit me and I go, I thought you meant the machine.

And I was like, someone rented a bobcat and was going to do work in our backyard, and then it hit me and I was like, Fuck a bobcat. Yeah, my children are back there and I just covered them in ham gravy.

As is an old Armenian tradition, when children go out to play alone in the backyard. Yeah, this is serious business. When we moved into our house, we inherited two bunnies and they were killed by a bobcat.

Oh yeah, and then didn't you make a thing for them so they would be saved? Well, this is sad, but the Bobcat took one of them and we thought it was a coyote.

So I coyote-proofed their pen, by the way. The people that gave us this were the people that lived there prior and said, Oh, there's never been an issue. Well, they had three large dogs, so they were keeping that we didn't have those.

And so I coyote-proofed it, and then the next day the other one was gone. Wait, so when you coyote-proof something, it doesn't bobcat-proof it. No, because bobcats are actually small, they're not much bigger than a house cat.

So I made like a mesh fence that a bobcat could still get through. I didn't know there were bobcats in there. I got a call not too long ago that there was a ram in my backyard and I was so excited it was a Dodge Ram.

And it was doing figure eights, it was the realtor.

We could just keep doing this on and on and on. I got a call that there was a segway in my backyard and I said the scooter, and they said, No. Just the transition between speech and our guest today.

My guest today Hold on, there's more. No, there's not. I had the perfect way in.

And you fucked it up.

Speaking of Segways, my guest today played one of the most iconic sitcom characters of all time, Elaine Bennis, on Seinfeld. She also won six consecutive Emmys for her role as Selina Meyer on the HBO series Veep God, that's a funny show. Now she has a new podcast, Wiser Than Me, available wherever you get your podcasts. I'm thrilled, delighted she's here today.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, welcome.

Thank you so much for being here.

Assuming?

If we start talking about something really heavy, I don't know I might wipe it off, so much of it is not going to get lifted.

That's good, this is special.

Pantyhose.

Sona will tell you that I am a serial over-applier. Oh my god. Like, when I put sunblock on or anything on, it's just this angry, like it's an angry kind of Irish Catholic dabbing, yeah.

OK, and I'll say, I just hate myself. And they go, Yeah, you just gotta try and just chill when you brush your teeth. But listen back to me and then-.

I just love having you here, you are adored, you know that.

I could come on as just, you know, a guy who's right on the edge, maybe, but it's a terrific idea, it's really good.

Yeah, Jane Fonda in 5X, yeah. And I was so blown away by the scope of her life and everything that she's done and thought and been. And then I started thinking, Well, we we need. Why are we not hearing from older women?

Right, I mean, for real, why are we not hearing from older women? And so that was really the genesis of this. And and uh, and it's been just pretty mind blowing that I talked to Isabel Allende and ran Lebowitz, please. So fabulous, but lots of, but all walks of life.

And it's been Darlene Love and I'm talking to Carol Burnett tomorrow.

Right? but, uh, yes, my God, my God. Carol Burnett.

Oh, I don't forget it, I don't forget it. I think, especially women need to be heard at this moment and this lipstick is helping me.

This is going to undertake, it's going to undercut. Like, what if I start really talking about how racism is a problem? I really start talking about very serious stuff or genocide in some foreign country? And the video comes out of me with this makeup on, it looks like you just had a fudgesicle.

We go in half-assed and start babbling, and maybe some lipstick is exchanged. But yours was. I felt beautifully put together.

And I'm thinking, especially when you were on Seinfeld, it's probably like, Okay, I was on SNL, now I'm on Seinfeld. Then I got to get into movies and then I become a movie star. Because that has to be the trajectory and what we see now. No one cares, they just care about good work.

I couldn't bear the idea of it. And the irony of all of this is that in the last year and a half, I've made a ton of movies.

And I said, Yeah.

So I met with these guys and I said, You know, I could be, I mean, I could do something, you know, I could punch somebody and, you know, fly around or whatever. Anyway. Cut to-.

Yes, and people could fly over me, but I don't see why I can't be part of the it's D.C. But plastic man feels like you. I mean, my, okay, I'm very-.

Why are you making noises? I don't know. I think maybe it'd be like, an extra. Is that mean to say, come on? But I think it's not nice to say.

I'm sorry, but I think that a distracting extra, yeah, but like, Hey, who's that handsome tall drink of water in the background?

Okay, so I'll be the I'll be a guy who is, I'm working, I'm cooking the books in the background.

You're cast.

Oh shit, but I mean, so your kids now?-.

I want to see all this cool stuff.

And there's going to be lots of fancy people in it and so they'll get to meet. If they come, they would get to meet. I don't know, we'll see.

Maybe they'll come.

So, like, you know, my daughter would flip if I could say, Hey, you know, Taylor Swift, do you want to meet her? and that's not happening. Taylor Swift's team has told me. No, I haven't even approached, but she's Taylor.

Yeah, your daughter and have like, a lunch and then my daughter can come in at the end.

That's it, that's how you're going to do it.

That's your marvel name. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I don't have a good pitch for her.

Who are the people that you've met over the years? Because you probably have just had the chance to meet everybody at this point? No, have you met everybody?

Wants to be seen? I think you're reading your own bio. Oh, shit, this is Conan, I'm sorry.

Where's yours? Here? It is, I was going to just ask you, what was it like growing up with freckles?

I was going to compliment you on, you're such a great comedian in every way. But I think one of the hardest things to do is physical comedy. When did you figure out? Oh, I can do physical comedy and I can do it very well? Was that something you figure out when you were a kid?

And I got a huge laugh, but I didn't mean it to get a laugh.

Uh, I would, I would. I would say, I'm in the. uh, I think it's in my bones. I would say, somewhat lapsed, let's put it that way.

Mom, dad, they're not listening. Oh, thanks, not because they're too old, but because they just isn't really. They don't like my stuff. Um, I would say, uh, we raise them to be highly ethical and moral, but start quizzing them on details from the New Testament, and, uh, they will not do.

Well, how about you?

Right, that never happens, right?

Actually in Santa Barbara, by the way, that church on Sandy, or it's actually on Eucalyptus Lane.

What is it?

They're all hyper-catholic. Mark Wahlberg is back for the ninth time in a row. You'll see grammar.

You weren't raised in a strong religion. That would be very different. I can't imagine that.

So I am very proud of that heritage, but I wasn't raised Jewish either.

And she's much more intelligent and much saner than I am, and I think that's a better way to go. And I'm happy that my kids are a blend.

And she would make a motion to cover their ears, but not really, and anyway, the point being that....

Such great comedy, such great performances, one of the great shows. Downright filthy and very descriptive when people are going after each other.

Very descriptive, and the male anatomy comes up a lot. My wife just made the call like, this is really funny and I think our kids should see it and they started watching it. And so now I'm going to go home and tell them, you know that woman that you love.

She just described you as nothing, nothing.

Yeah, and what's her perspective on the show?

I met her actually recently, believe it or not, I'd never met her until like two months ago. And she said, I love. She said to me, I love the show. It's incredible and it's it's really like, it's like real life.

And I said, I know it is, I said, You want me to get you out of here?

But she had a sense of humor about it.

What are they? are they teaching you stuff that's inspiring you?

And she also, she's like, 75, I think. And she was talking about how important it is to keep doing things that frighten you. Which is an interesting thing to consider. And basic things like, really, honestly, staying physically fit, Uh, she didn't say this. This is very much Jane and also Isabel Allende. Staying physically fit and healthy is hugely meaningful.

As you get older, I mean, it's so obvious, but then when you really start to consider it, I think to a certain extent. Uh, you don't think about getting. I mean, you do think about getting older, but it creeps up on you. I mean, uh, how old are you? Do you mind my asking?

On April 18th, I turned 60.

And so everything you're talking about is stuff I've been thinking about. Because there was so much of my career where I was the youngest guy in the room tell me about it. And and people would say, Um, you know, I was in college, like the young guy that ran the magazine, the comedy magazine. Then, you know, when I got a late night show, uh, I was I had just turned 30..

And then what happens is suddenly it. It felt to me like it suddenly flipped. To give us your wisdom, old man. I'm like, What are you talking about? But it happens, it does happen. And now I interview a lot of younger people in comedy and like, Well, I grew up.

I know watching you, I was in diapers as you were hitting 50 and I'm like, Jesus Christ, what happened? But I'm I keep coming back to the same general feeling of of gratitude and just happy to be here. But I will tell you, I've been doing a lot of inventorying.

I do. I've been thinking of it in 20 year cycles. Like, okay, one to 20, you know. Age one to 20 got me to this point in my life. Age 20 to 40 got me to this other part, and then 40 to 60 got me here.

And so that's how long I'm thinking about it. It's got me keeping score, adding it up and for the most part, feeling content about.

Yeah, I'm getting an eye job. SHANE No, the the. The reality of it is, I love. I mean, we started talking about this and I, we addressed it already, but how this technology has changed.

There's a way now that I can be practice my craft, whatever you want to call it, without being highfalutin. Try and get my personality across, which is, in essence, all I've been trying to do since I was a kid. And then when I got into broadcasting, it's just trying to do that on a on a bigger scale. But this podcast has been a real revelation to me that I can. You know, you came on the Late Night Show several times and we had some really great moments, you did some great stuff.

One of my favorites is when Tina Fey came on.

And we did it live.

I adored that and I'm glad that I got to do it. But now, the fact that there's a way that I can talk to you in this way, in this manner.

Yeah, right, and then you needed to do sitcoms, and then you needed to do single camera. You need to do movie work. And then you have to keep trying things that you are challenged by.

Challenged by. And they're not in your muscle memory. So to me, that's the thing is. I just want to keep putting myself out there in different ways. And then be honest about it. If something doesn't work, it didn't work.

Well, first of all, it's a great way to live life, and also I think it's a great way to have longevity, I think, I think.

But these guys are going through big birthdays as well and I don't know if you're doing the same thing. Are you taking? You're going to hit 50? I very much have tried to keep.

Take a new look at physicality and be healthier too. So I feel like I just have a. I have a very new daughter and I feel like I've got to, I've got to be fit.

I've got to be around, I want to be around, I want to feel good. Yeah, yeah.

And Sona had twins, yeah, twin boys, a year and a half ago, a year and a half ago.

Thank you, yeah, yeah. And I turned 40 in October.

It wasn't, it didn't weigh on me too much because I just, you know, I try to just take the joy, just like she did.

And everything.

And he's sitting at his desk. My dad's 94 and we were chatting and I said, Dad, my 60th birthday is coming up.

And he looked at me and he was like, like, you're a kid, yeah, and I thought, Oh, he's right.

Mark Twain Award recipient Yes, yes, and deservedly so. And recently I've been asked to present, help, present.

You know, whatever it's called when you show up for your, when you speak on behalf of someone who's getting a mark Twain.

And I did, and I had a really good time. And then briefly, there was like a big text exchange that everybody was on. All these people that presented and are friends with Adam, who are very famous, are on this huge text chain.

And I'm on it too, and everyone's talking about what a great time they had and things are going back and forth. And then someone mentioned someone who was really old, and I think it was, Adam said, Yeah.

I mean, he's older than Conan.

And I thought, Oh shit, I think all of these guys are younger than me because they were all a little behind me at SNL. And so I got on the chain and I said, Wait a minute. Is the new definition of old in comedy older than Conan?

Is that like?

It hits more when you're younger, but when you're older. When David Spade is asking, Can he help you to the toilet? you know you have a problem.

Take his help.

And I had not been the oldest one, I'd also I'd been the youngest because when I was hired on SNL, I was 20 fucking one, I mean, I was young.

You don't hear that kind of language from a Jane Fonda.

And I'm being so deferential and also in this era where you just want to be very hyper respectful of women's boundaries. Like, I'm always making sure that, like, my hand is maybe sometimes not even, and so my hand was like, not even touching her, you know?

I was behind.

What I mean is that I kind of had my arm behind her, but I was being like, it's Jane Fonda.

Well, you ought to know now, yeah. And she placed my hand there and what I loved about it was I just was like, God damn, she's sexy and it's all I mean. First, she looks amazing.

Like, if you shake it, it just went away. And I thought, and I think whatever she's doing and there are other people like this, whatever they're doing. I want to be playing that game totally.

I want to be making people touch my lower abdomen against their will. Did I take the wrong thing away from this? My guess would be, Yeah, yeah, okay, all right.

For real, like, what? Well, because she's let go of so much, she's relaxed and her priorities have gotten, shall we say, hyper-focused.

That's nice, yeah, it's really nice.

And I'm driving and he's sitting next to me and I just said, You know, it's a truism that older people tend to drive slower. And I said, now is that because of, you know, changes in the synapses, where you process information a little more slowly, so you go more slowly? And my father said, partially that, and partially.

When you get older, you realize there's no hurry. And I thought, Shit, that's very profound, you have to.

Jesus, I did, he has a name. I still haven't remembered it, but people would say your career is flourishing.

And I said, I love him too.

Career, get over here. Oh God, career, you've got to flush the toilet career. But no, I. But I do think there's stuff that you pick up that has to. It just has to drip into you slowly over time, but you start to understand.

Yeah, now again, there's a lot of older people out there that don't. I've known some very neurotic, impatient, oh for sure, worried older people.

So it's not like all people do it, but if you can figure it out, you do let go of a lot of things that drive you crazy when you're in your teens and 20s and 30s.

Back at you, well, back at you doesn't really count as a compliment. Oh God.

Yeah, fun.

I really do no, don't say back at you.

He is obsessed with talking about. It's a milestone birthday. You bring it up, what's this got to do with me? because you have brought it up on the podcast? Easily, seven times, easily, seven times.

You said, Well, I'm going to be turning 50.

But that means Conan's turning 60. I want to keep this on the down low. Comedy's all about being young, oh God.

And I'm putting it out there that I'm in my late 40s and you. Every single time we get on mic, I'm like, Well, in three more months someone's going to be 60, and then it's just a hop skip and a jump to 70. How are you, big boy? Wow?

This is you left, right and center lately, baby, what is happening? You seem very, you seem upset about it. I don't want to die touchy.

Why? It's the grave? The grave beckons, but it's just a number, man. Oh yeah.

It's a number that you keep bringing up again and again and again. 6-0, yeah, 6-0, yeah. I'll be 60 by the time this thing drops tomorrow.

Oh, right, you're turning 50 in May, that's right. Okay, yeah.

And you just turned 40.

And then Adam's also turned 40 recently. We work in decades here. Yeah, it's crazy.

Eduardo, how old are you? 35 35? Yeah, okay.

Well, you're going to need to age five, get on sync with us, get on sync, yeah, get in phase. We're like women that are all on the same menstrual cycle.

Yeah, we need to sync up, so you are now almost to turn 40, you're almost turning 40. Can I go backwards?

No, okay, fine, no, you can only go forward. You compared it to women being on their same menstrual cycle, like, how do you even know what that is?

I read about it once in Glamour magazine, okay?

I was reading an article called Seven Ways To Keep Your Man Happy, and that was to menstruate with other women. Yeah, men love it, men love it when women sync up.

Yeah, men love it. That was number six on the seven Ways to Keep Your Man happy. Actually. Are you sure you're not 70? I'm 80, okay?

Yes, let's address it. Yeah, I realize I came down on you a little hard, but I will be honest, you've seemed a little obsessed with my birthday. I just want to wish you happy birthday.

I think it's a milestone birthday. Here's two things you're saying, Yeah, you're saying it's just a number, and it's a milestone.

But that's a good thing. Take a side, dude, what? that's a good thing. Which one is it?

This one's exciting, it's a big one. You just want to see me in my grave? Oh well, that's true, and I want to put you there.

Well, you're doing it. Hey buddy, big one coming, big six.-Oh buddy, you started like a year ago.

A year from now, the big six-oh, buddy boy. I mean, it's just interesting that we all turn our decades, it's so interesting it is.

That a guy like you would get so old, Oh God, this guy, oh this guy over here, this pistol. Yes, I'm fine with it, as you can tell, yeah.

But I do it's something I think about sometimes, which is, you know, I've been such a foolish physical comic in my life. And then I think I just want someone to tap me on the shoulder. When they say it's looking sad now, you know, well, now you can do pratfalls, but they'll be real.

Well, yeah, but I won't get up. Afterwards, you'll hear a shattering sound and a hip will go rolling into the gutter. Be honest, no, if we had said nothing and just let your birthday go by, you wouldn't have liked that, right?

I would have had something to be bitter about, which, as Sona will tell you, is the greatest gift.

Which is something a little hatred. You know what the best is if he gives you a gift and you never acknowledge it, never say thank you, or you get a gift. And you're just kind of like, I have this already.

And then you just kind of set it aside. Yeah, a good gift would have been to forget my birthday. And then I could have hated you for it. But I also get to hate you for bringing it up that you're 60, yeah.

Okay, there you go one more time. 60 Exactly. Can I say something, though?

You take good care of yourself, I do. You are exactly the same, at least to me, in terms of your physicality and the things that you do. From when I first started working for you, that's why I don't think you'd be upset, because you look good, you sound good. Listen, I'm thinking of having a lot of work done.

Oh, and I know that that's not necessary for a podcast.

I want huge boobs and I also want those butt implants. What I would get done is butt implants because I have no ass. You know that, Sona, you're going to go for a Kardashian body?

I would like, what do they do? How does a butt implant work? What's in there, what do they put in there? I thought they put fat from other parts of your body.

I'm looking around, it's not in that magazine you read, yeah? Seven Ways to Keep your Man happy.

No, I think it was written by a maniac because it said, Sync up your menstrual cycle with other women. Yeah, I think Kardashians are so rich, they just get butt transplants, someone else's butt is given to them.

Or Bitcoin, they get bitcoin put in there. You could donate your butt for his birthday. I need all the butt I can get, too. Yeah, this guy isn't, you know?

Okay, so it says for BBL, which I think is what you're talking about. Brazilian butt lift, correct? It says fat is removed from the hips, lower back, thighs, abdomen and or other areas with liposuction.

You don't have, I don't have, but I don't think I have a lot of fat in other areas of my body. I think if I do, it's in my head, yeah.

It would be really funny if I suddenly had a really skinny head, like a really, really skinny head, and then a giant ass. And I literally had fat from my cheeks put into my bottom, you know, and my big fat Irish paper mache head suddenly became really skinny.

But I had this fat ass I was carting around. But your hair is the same size? Yes, the hair is still a big puff pastry.

So turning 60, I start to do the math in my head of, Well, wait a minute, when was my dad 60 and he's 94 now? Yeah, and still doing well.

Yeah, but you do the math in your head and go, wait a minute. That wasn't that long ago, it doesn't feel that long ago that he was my age, but he seemed older, right?

Yeah, and then you start to realize that you start to hear things. Like people that you thought when you were a kid were really old. When they played that character in a movie, were your age. Oh, yeah, and you think, Oh my god, really.

I did that at 47.

Have you done that? Because Brando played the Godfather at 47? Yes, and that was so great.

But he was playing someone who was older. Yeah, but still well. Also in like, 40, I think norm from Cheers was 40, I think Cliff was 40. Wow.

Homer Simpson is supposed to be around 40.

I mean, I think they make it like, you've given up what? Yeah, like at that age, it's sort of like, all right, well, I'm just going to be like a big fatso and just sit at the bar.

Not that I, no, I don't want to say that about Norm and Cliff, you know what I mean? Yeah, like, they made the character seem older back then, right?

Yeah, right, you're going to probably live a long time. That's a terrible thing to say. Oh, I'm sure you're going to.

That's going to be played. Ironically. I'm sure you'll survive at least the day that'll take. Well, thank you, you know, I'm sorry I jumped down your throat, Gourley.

That's all right. Just try to wish a guy a happy birthday. Which birthday is it? One, two, three, four, five, six decades of human life on this planet? Adam, are you right?