limiting beliefs, a talk with emma

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a loved one,

and this particular loved one makes music.

They were talking about how easy it is to make ambient music,

music that's just pretty much sounds.

No singing, just sounds,

but cool sounds.

I was like, oh my God,

I wish I knew how to make ambient music.

I can't play instruments,

and it takes a long time to learn how to play instruments.

I wish I at least knew how to make ambient music

because number one, I like listening to it.

Number two, it would be so cool

to put ambient music in my YouTube videos.

I was like, oh my God,

it'd be so fun to make a YouTube video

and then make my own music for the video.

I was like, that would be so cool.

And I was like, but there's just no way.

There's no way I would figure it out.

And the person I was talking to was like,

Emma, it's so easy.

It's so easy.

You can learn how to do it.

I was like, no, no, I don't think I can.

They were like, why?

They were like, I literally Googled it

and then focused on it for like 48 hours,

and then I knew how to do it.

They were like, I taught myself.

You can just teach yourself.

You can totally do it.

And I was like, no, but I can.

They're like, yes, you can.

And it was like this back and forth for a few minutes.

And then I realized, I stopped in my tracks

and I realized I have a problem.

I have a mental block.

For some reason, I don't believe

that I can teach myself something successfully,

especially something that doesn't come naturally to me.

I've never been naturally good at playing instruments.

Actually, that's not necessarily true.

I have good natural rhythm,

which is very helpful when it comes to playing instruments,

but what I don't have is the patience

that it takes to learn how to play an instrument.

So I've never stuck to it and I've always quit early on.

Anyway, I don't feel like I'm musically inclined.

On top of that, I'm not confident in my ability

to teach myself how to do something.

And I had this sort of epiphany.

I was like, I have all of these poisonous thoughts

floating around my head about why I can't teach myself

how to make ambient music.

And I don't even think that these beliefs are true.

I realized that that was a limiting belief.

Now, I've heard about limiting beliefs a lot

and I've explored the topic a little bit,

but I've never really dug into it up until now.

And I think it's a fascinating and important topic.

So that's what we're gonna dig into today, limiting beliefs.

Let's start out with what limiting beliefs are.

I'm not gonna lie, my definitions are not super reputable.

Like I found the best definitions on websites

that are not like scientific journals, okay?

But I thought that these definitions were good.

So just take all of this with a grain of salt, okay?

I'm not pulling these from the top psychologists

in the world as much as I wish I was.

I just, I liked these definitions

that were easy to understand and they feel true to me.

So yeah, take it with a grain of salt.

I got these definitions from betterup.com and pushfar.com,

both self-help websites, okay?

So a limiting belief is a thought or state of mind

that you think is the absolute truth

and stops you from doing certain things.

These beliefs don't always have to be about yourself either.

They could be about how the world works.

They could be about your beliefs, ideas,

and how you interact with people.

Limiting beliefs can change your life,

but not always for the better.

Do you like how I'm reading this?

Is it entertaining?

They create self-awareness that stops you

from chasing after your dreams,

forming healthy relationships with people,

and creating change in any area of your life.

Having primarily negative beliefs

puts boundaries and limitations on things in our lives

and keeps us within our comfort zones.

Limiting beliefs in most cases are unconscious thoughts,

which appear as defense mechanisms

to avoid possible frustrations, failure, and disappointment.

At a time in the past,

you may have suffered from something specific,

and now when you come face-to-face with a similar situation,

your subconscious finds a way to try to block it.

Limiting beliefs keep us in our comfort zone.

They can greatly limit development and achievement

in our goals, both personally and professionally.

It is these thoughts, whether conscious or unconscious,

that we regard as absolute truths.

However, these negative thoughts,

which hinder our journey towards life goals,

can be overcome and replaced with more optimistic messages.

By changing your thinking, you can change everything too.

Wow, thank you so much to betterup.com and pushfar.com

for these incredible explanations

about what limiting beliefs are.

Explained it better than I ever could have.

So I became hyper aware that I have this limiting belief

about my ability to teach myself how to make ambient music.

And this sort of realization caused me to realize

how many limiting beliefs I do have,

because that's not the only one.

I have a lot.

Let me walk you through some of my limiting beliefs.

Let's start with the one that we've already discussed.

The fact that I don't believe

that I can teach myself things.

Now, this is hypocritical,

because I always preach that we can teach ourselves anything.

There are so many resources out there.

You can Google shit.

You can go to the library,

even though no one does that anymore.

And you can read a book about it.

If you don't want to go to the library,

open up your iPad, download a book onto your iPad,

ask someone in your life who knows how to do something.

We have endless resources, okay?

We can teach ourselves anything we want to teach ourselves.

All the resources are there.

I'm all about spreading that message

because I believe that it's true.

But yet, I didn't realize until recently

that I had a limiting belief

about my own personal ability to teach myself things.

I believe that the rest of the world

can teach themselves things,

but for some reason, I don't believe

I can teach myself things.

I've been subconsciously telling myself

that it's too hard for me,

because I'm not smart enough,

and I'm not capable enough to figure it out,

and that it's too hard to find adequate resources.

Like, oh, you know, how do I know

that my resources are good?

How do I know that I'm learning something the right way?

Oh, it's too hard.

I subconsciously tell myself

that I don't have enough discipline and motivation.

I'm just not a focused enough person.

No, I'm not.

Also, I'm lazy.

I convince myself that I'm lazy,

because a lot of times with my free time,

I tend to relax.

Like, when I'm not working,

I'm relaxing most of the time,

and I've convinced myself that that's lazy.

So I just think I'm lazy in general,

and lazy people can't teach themselves

how to do new things.

Now, can they?

I've subconsciously told myself

that I don't have enough time,

and not only that, but it's not worth my time.

This sounds so dark,

but if it's not work, and it's challenging,

it's not worth my time.

I've subconsciously convinced myself

that there's no use in challenging myself

outside of my work life,

because what's the point?

Like, it's not paying the bills, you know?

That's terrible.

That's so dark, and it's crazy to me

how different that perspective is

from the message that I spread

to the rest of the world, you know?

It's a weird moment to have

when you realize that your beliefs

about the world are different

than your own beliefs about yourself.

And when I was digging into all my limiting beliefs,

I noticed that that was a recurring theme.

Like, I believe that the world,

and the people in the world,

have endless opportunities,

and anything is possible,

and dreams can come true.

But for some reason, I don't believe that about myself,

because I have so many limiting beliefs about myself.

Another example of a limiting belief that I have

is that I'll never be enough for a man.

Sorry, I know, it's so sad,

but I definitely have that belief subconsciously.

And again, it's hypocritical,

because I will tell everyone,

I'll scream it from the rooftops,

there are so many fish in the fucking sea,

you will find someone.

There's someone out there for everyone.

Like, I genuinely believe that,

except for for myself, for some reason.

To sort of dissect this limiting belief,

like, why do I think that I'll never be enough for a man?

It's because I have the limiting belief

that there's always someone out there who's better than me,

prettier than me, smarter than me,

funnier than me, cooler than me, of course.

I also have the limiting belief

that I'm not attractive enough, feminine enough,

to be satisfactory for a guy.

I also believe, subconsciously,

that guys only like me when they want something from me.

Like, they can gain something from me.

Now, I know that that's not true.

Like, in my conscious mind, I know that that's not true.

I know that I can absolutely be enough for a man.

I know that, I know that.

In my conscious mind, I know that.

I know that it doesn't matter

that there are always gonna be, you know,

girls out there who are better than me.

I know that I'm attractive enough and feminine enough

for a man to like me.

I know that there are guys out there who like me for me

and don't wanna gain anything from me.

But alas, I have those limiting beliefs.

And so even though in my conscious mind, I know the truth,

those subconscious voices are still there.

And it's so confusing.

I also have this about rejection.

I have the limiting belief that I can't handle rejection.

So I shouldn't try anything

that will lead me to being rejected.

This is especially prominent in romantic situations.

I definitely avoid being emotionally vulnerable at times

out of fear of being rejected.

You know, I might wanna be sappy and sweet,

but I'll never be the first one to do it

because I have the limiting belief

that if I get rejected, I won't be able to handle it.

It'll destroy me or something.

Upon reflection, I avoid trying new work endeavors sometimes

that I'm not 3000% certain that I'm good at

because I believe I will be rejected

and I believe that I won't be able to handle that rejection.

When in reality, I know I'm capable of handling rejection.

I'm certain I'm capable of it.

I've been rejected before and yeah, it sucked,

but it's always ended up being worth it.

You know, I've never regretted inaction

that led me to being rejected.

It's always taught me something

or it's always allowed me to speak my truth

in one way or another.

Like I've been rejected by guys.

I've been rejected in the workplace, you know,

and I've always handled it just fine.

Like I know I can handle it.

So I don't know why I avoid putting myself in situations

where I'll be rejected

because I know I can fucking handle it.

But it's this subconscious limiting belief

that prevents me from doing these things.

And again, I'm a hypocrite

because I will scream from the rooftops once again

that it's so worth it to put yourself in positions

where you could be rejected

because that means that you're being yourself.

And it means that you're doing your best.

And it means that you're doing what you want to do.

It's always better to try and get rejected

than to not try at all.

I know that, but it's these limiting beliefs.

Last example, I have the limiting belief

that I'm not working hard enough

unless I'm overwhelmed and stressed out.

Okay, I have convinced myself subconsciously

that the sign of good work ethic is misery,

is pain, is agony, is exhaustion.

For some reason,

I believe that having a healthy work-life balance is lazy.

Now again, again, you're probably thinking to yourself,

like Emma, this is insane.

These are all things that you've openly said.

Like it's so crazy how my beliefs towards the world

and other people in the world

are so different than my beliefs towards myself.

Like I treat myself so differently

than I treat the rest of the world.

The advice that I give the rest of the world

is not always aligned with the standard

that I uphold for myself,

the advice that I give myself.

I'm far more toxic with myself.

And it's because of these limiting beliefs.

So those are just a few examples of my limiting beliefs.

I definitely have more.

Like I'm already thinking of more.

Like when I have tried to quit nicotine in the past,

I've been filled with limiting beliefs.

I've told myself, it's gonna be too hard.

I'm not gonna be able to mentally handle it.

I've told myself, I don't have to quit

because it's not showing any negative signs yet

that I'm addicted.

You know, like I've told myself that it's fine

because I don't consume nicotine in the form of cigarettes

and cigarettes are much more unhealthy than a vape

or you know, like, do you get what I mean?

So all of that to say,

I'm very hyper aware of my limiting beliefs right now.

I think that's very clear to all of us, right?

That's very clear to us.

Emma is hyper aware of these.

I'm kind of at a loss about how to get rid of them

because I'm aware that they're there now.

And I also know that they're not true.

Like, as I've mentioned this whole time,

I give advice to my friends, my family,

to you listening to this podcast

that contradicts all of my limiting beliefs.

And I mean that advice when I say it to my core,

but yet these limiting beliefs are still present

and they still impact me

and I've not been able to fully shake them.

Now, when I reflect on my past

before I was super conscious of these beliefs,

I have many memories of me combating these limiting beliefs

without even realizing that I was doing it,

but it wasn't clear to me like it is now.

And I want to get rid of them altogether,

but I don't know how.

So you want to know what I did?

I fucking Googled it.

I Googled it.

And so let's go through the internet's advice,

specifically betterup.com and pushfar.com.

Let's go through the internet's advice for me

on how I should get rid of my limiting beliefs.

And maybe these will be helpful for you too,

because I don't think there's a human on this planet

who doesn't have limiting beliefs.

So first, it's important to learn

where the beliefs came from.

It could have come from your family growing up,

your parents and other family members.

Impact the way that you see the world

before you even are conscious.

You know, these are the first people

that you encounter in the world.

And we're very susceptible to the people around us.

We're very malleable, especially when we're young.

Our core beliefs start with our family,

whether our family intentionally pushes those beliefs

on us or not.

Could be life experience.

Any experience that we have in life

gives us a distinct feeling that we remember.

And vivid experiences cause us to come to conclusions

about the way that life works.

And that impacts what we do in the future.

If we have a good experience doing something,

then we'll do it again.

If we have a bad experience doing something,

we won't do that again.

I mean, sometimes, I mean, it's not like that always,

but you get what I'm saying.

Could be education.

When it's someone's job to share information with you

and beliefs with you,

you naturally are inclined to absorb them

because there are certain people in our lives,

teachers, mentors, doctors, et cetera, et cetera.

We're sort of trained to trust these types of people.

And so when they tell us something,

we take it as fact a lot of time.

I feel like, especially when we're young,

we look to these authority figures like God, in a way,

and everything that they say is Bible, you know?

Society can also impose standards

that generate limiting beliefs.

Religion can sometimes spread limiting beliefs

because there's always a set of rules with religion.

This is good, this is bad.

And sometimes those things are obvious,

like, yeah, don't go and kill someone.

Obviously that's bad.

But sometimes they're a little bit more opinion-based

and that's where it gets a little bit tricky.

Okay, so the first step, apparently,

is to figure out where the limiting belief came from.

Then you need to go in to your brain

and identify your limiting beliefs.

So I already did that

with at least a good chunk of my limiting beliefs.

The internet recommends that you reflect on your behavior,

figure out when this belief formed and why,

then write everything down on paper.

It's easier to organize your thoughts

when they're outside of your messy brain.

Like, trying to organize things like this

just in your head is so, it's so challenging.

It's just messy, at least for me.

And then make a list of your challenges.

Write down your challenges and look for any patterns.

This will show where your specific problem areas are

and can help you sort of connect the dots

and figure out, okay, what are my limiting beliefs?

Where are they showing up in my life, et cetera?

And then last but not least,

it's time to eradicate the limiting belief.

Get that shit out of your head.

Now, this is where it really gets interesting

because I feel like I personally have done the first two,

but I've yet to fully get rid of them.

So this is where I'm getting excited.

Whoa, I'm on the edge of my frickin' seat.

Ooh, I can't wait.

How am I gonna get these out of my stupid little head?

Start out by realizing and recognizing

that your belief may simply be a belief

founded on falsities.

It's likely to be completely untrue

and just a belief, not a fact.

This is so huge, actually.

It sounds simple, but it's such an important reminder.

I think now that I'm aware of my limiting beliefs,

every time one comes up, I can tell myself,

hey, this is not a belief rooted in reality.

This is a belief rooted in a mini little trauma

or a dumb idea that you picked up a long time ago.

And I think that that will help me, but we'll see.

I'll have to give you guys an update later

after I implement these things.

Another helpful step would be to recognize

that it's just a belief, not a fact,

and then to question it.

Like, let's say you have the limiting belief

that you're lazy.

Question that.

Be like, what does lazy mean to me?

What does it mean to be lazy?

Let's define that in our heads.

Then look at your life and be like, am I really lazy?

Is that actually true?

And you might find that it is true.

Then you can be like, okay, well, why am I lazy?

It's going down a rabbit hole of asking why

and why and why and why.

Next step is to determine the consequences

of holding on to a limiting belief.

I think making yourself aware

of how something is hurting you

can weirdly motivate you more to get it under control.

If you're not aware vividly of how it's harming you,

then you might just let it stick around.

But if you're so aware of how damaging it is,

you're more likely to put a plan together

to really make it stop.

Next, choose something new to believe in,

something that will improve your life.

If you've had a certain belief for a long time,

there's a chance that you have a strong emotional bond

to the belief.

Even if it's negative,

you can still have a strong connection to that belief.

We build a foundation of beliefs that we stand on.

And if you have a limiting belief

that's a huge chunk of your foundation,

taking that out makes you feel uneasy.

But I guess what this piece of advice is saying

is it's helpful to find a new belief

to replace the old one with

so that you don't have this gaping gap in your foundation.

I think that that is really helpful

to not only just get rid of the old belief,

but to also replace it.

That makes a lot of sense to me

because if you don't have anything to replace it with,

then you're so much more likely

to just go back to that limiting belief.

But if you believe I'm unlovable

and then you change that belief to I'm very lovable,

it's kind of an obvious example,

but now every time you say to yourself, I'm unlovable,

you immediately are like, no, actually, that's not true.

I am and I know that because that's my new belief.

Whereas if you just decide,

I don't believe that I'm unlovable anymore,

but you don't have this new belief to cling onto,