Armchair Anonymous: Delivery Driver

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I hate to make this joke, but I have to.

It's just right there for you to make?

These deliver.

Oh, you know, it's really nice. You're a dad. You didn't tell me you'd become a dad since I saw you.

But they really did. These are good stories.

They are awesome. I told Huey the, well, we're not allowed to say who he drove for, but the person walking.

I know, I told everyone.

You have. And what's people's reaction? I mean, whoa. Huey. almost lost consciousness.

There's a part in that story. It's the third story that is like so impossible to unsee in your brain.

It's a Stephen King story.

And a couple people have defended it, and you'll know why when you hear it. Sure, sure.

Let me guess, Laura did?

Julia.

And David. I think I put a nice spin on it, too.

Oh, I think David did, too. Yeah, so you can guess what's going on.

Okay, so these are crazy delivery driver stories. Please enjoy. Hard times, come and go.

I'ma keep on shining.

Hello, hello. Oh, my God, you sound wonderful. Can you hear us?

Yeah. You also sound wonderful.

Oh, my God, good. I don't know what your setup is, but it's really nice.

Oh, thank you.

Dan, where are you?

I live in Minneapolis with my wife and two daughters.

We love Minneapolis.

It's nice there. It's kind there.

We saw your live show here. Oh, you did? It was really cool. We had Andrew Zimmern.

Yeah, that was really, really fun. And then he took us out to an incredibly fun dinner afterwards.

Yeah, it was tasty.

Very memorable experience there. What do you do in Minneapolis?

Well, while this story revolves around pizza delivery, I am no longer in that industry. Okay. I'm the Chief Marketing Officer for a cybersecurity company called Arctic Wolf.

Nice.

Dax, you may have heard of them, because we sponsor the Red Bull Racing Formula One team, so our logo is out there. Oh, okay. That's cool.

You know, sponsoring the Red Bull team, there's a great saying for that, a blessing and a curse, which is you're sponsoring the winning team, but they don't ever show it on TV.

Why?

Because they don't ever show Max on TV because he's out front.

He's too far ahead.

They're only showing the battles that are happening.

That's interesting.

It is. I wonder if, well, you're a CMO. Does that kind of analysis cross everyone's mind?

Yep. There's this thing called QI media value, where somebody does the work of measuring how often your logo is on TV and how premium the placement is. Overall, it is good to be on the winning team.

Okay, that's good.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess you're always in the winning circle. The car pulls up. It gets a close-up. But I would be interested to see what team actually gets the most airtime.

Well, Red Bull is a giant in general, compared to the other motorsports teams. Their social media following is 2x, the next closest team. They have such a cool brand that even when a race isn't going on, you get a ton of value from it. So we're really happy to be a partner, and it's also cool to say that we do the cybersecurity for the best F1 team in the world.

Yeah, the best by a long shot. Okay, so, before this lofty job of CMO, what were you delivering?

Yes, if I could transplant you back in time to the late 90s.

Oh, what a time to be alive.

1999, I was delivering pizzas in small-town rural Minnesota, population 900..

No way.

No stoplight. This is before GPS, before smartphones, so people would call in to do their orders. I would get directions like, Oh, yeah, our house is about one mile past where the Erickson's barn used to be.

Oh, my God.

You have to not only know all the landmarks, but the past landmarks.

Correct. You need very local knowledge. So I was living my best life. I was 16.. You know, I'd had my driver's license for a few months.

Yeah, you did. Well, you had a hatchback. You got to fill it up.

You had to do it. That was the environment I was operating in, and it was a night like any other. We got what ended up being the last order of the night. The sun was down, and I go out to deliver this pizza.

Oh, my God.

You got to figure out what way you're going to swerve.

If I swerve left, I go into their lane, and that might make it more likely to be a head-on collision. I can't stay straight, so the option is the ditch.

Sure.

And it is upon entering the ditch that I realize that this car wasn't a car at all.

Oh, no.

This then begs the question, why would a truck be parked in your lane? I found out as soon as I got in the ditch, because there was a man in the ditch, and he was relieving himself.

Number two or one?

It was the number one. Luckily, he's standing, and he's able to jump out of the way, but his hand hits my windshield.

Oh, my Lord.

From your perspective, I must have looked like an absolute maniac.

Yeah, like you saw him and are now trying to murder him.

Or you're just out of control and driving your car into a ditch. Right.

This guy, understandably, is now very upset. I got to get out of here, right? So I get out of the ditch. I turn around, and I see him making a mad dash for his truck.

Is it a pickup truck, or is it a medium duty, or is it a semi?

It was a pickup truck, like a Ford F-250.. So the guy bolts into his truck, whips it around,

The slowest high-speed chase ever, a Ford F-250 and a Citation. Exactly.

So he is on my tail, and I'm like, okay, what am I going to do? I got to get back to the pizza shop. My plan is I'm going to park as fast as I can, run in, lock the door, and then call the cops. I park. I try to make it to the door.

Oh, my God.

I'm, like, trying to get to the door. This guy's charging right at me, like full-grown man versus 16-year-old me. Oh, no. And he just loads up a haymaker and absolutely clobbers me.

Oh, you're kidding. He just clocked you.

I don't know any of the words.

Haymaker is just a big, wild right-hander. Oh, okay. Yes.

And he drops me immediately.

Does he get you on the chin, the cheek, the forehead?

Like the cheek, right by the eye.

Oh, jeez.

So I am down. I didn't get knocked out, but I am on the ground, and I'm thinking to myself, this is not good. So he then starts yelling at me. He's like, you tried to kill me. I'm calling the cops.

Well, yeah.

Well, hence the pee-pee in the middle of it.

It starts coming together for me. I go, you're going to call the cops on me? You're wasted, and you just punched a kid. I'm calling the cops on you.

Good, yeah.

He walks to his truck, which had come to a rest. It slowly hit the liquor store that was next to the pizza shop.

This is some small-town shit right here. This feels a little familiar.

He then gets in his truck and drives away.

Did you get a license plate?

I did not. This is where it really is some small-town shit, because everybody knows everybody, but I didn't recognize this guy. And to this day, I'm pretty sure my boss knew who he was, and he wouldn't tell me his name. Oh. It was like some small-town code of honor or something where he wouldn't reveal.

Did you call the cops?

Nope. I felt like that was wrong for some reason.

Wow.

We cleaned up the pizza shop. We watched the end of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And then we all went home and just moved on with our lives.

Were you at all blessed with a really drunk guy throwing a haymaker? Like, was the punch a little less than what he was intending, I'm hoping?

No, it hurt a lot. It hurt a lot, okay. I get the feeling this guy, he's been in a few bar fights.

Yeah, when you swing on a 16-year-old, you're playing by a different set of rules, I think.

Who thinks people are really trying to kill them with their car?

People who have had massive trauma, or they have thought other people were trying to kill them in the past, or maybe they were trying to.

I guess, but also be accountable for your actions.

Listen, when you park your truck in the middle of a highway and pee in a ditch—.

On the wrong side of the road?

Yeah, shit's gonna happen. You know, it's like shit happens when you party naked.

I think about it a lot, like, as more time has passed, I was a few feet from potentially killing someone.

Right. That is scary.

How different my life would be. just that split second. I have mixed feelings about it.

Weirdly, there's a clue in there. On some level, you probably had to be experiencing, in addition to the facial pain and the fright of it all, some kind of deep gratitude. you hadn't killed a stranger that night. And so maybe it was offsetting your compulsion to call the cops.

I don't know how I felt, but I just remember thinking like, well, everyone's fine. What are we gonna do? Fill out a bunch of paperwork?

If you were 16 and 99, that means I'm eight years older than you. That probably means you never saw the Patrick Dempsey movie Loverboy.

No.

Neither you, Monica? No. He's a pizza delivery boy. Patrick Dempsey, remember, he was so cute in his young age. He still is.

He's very handsome.

Women would call, and if they ordered a pizza with extra anchovies, it meant they wanted him as a lover. Oh. He was a young man trying to make money for college, and so he was sleeping with all these women around town, these older ladies. Yeah, yeah. He was an escort of sorts.

Was it to be cute?

Yeah, of course he's in love with a girl. He wants to go to college with her. But what's he gonna do? He's gotta make this money. But anyways, I think anyone my age who saw that movie thought, maybe if I delivered pizza, I would get invited in one day.

I will say, minus this one incident, it was the greatest job in the world.

Because you get to peek into people's lives every 20 minutes? Is that why?

I just liked the freedom of driving around with the tunes, cranked, windows down, no responsibilities, just totally carefree. Delivering pizzas is easy. There's somebody else mopping the floors and doing the hard work.

When you would get in your car on Monday morning to go to school, would it just reek like a pizza in there?

Yes. Yeah.

Permanently.

It was a little contained because you have the red insulated bag that keeps the pizza warm, but it definitely smelled like food the next day.

Last question, what was the biggest tip you ever received? Did you want to get that Christmas Eve shift?

Oh yeah, for sure. The guy who owned the place and never revealed the puncher, he had this thing where he would always make the specials like $16, so people would pay with the $20 and then you get $4 back.

Smart.

He was nice that way, so it was a lot of just automatic $4 tips. I received some non-cash tips, like I got tipped in a bag of weed one time. Awesome. That was from the trailer park.

That's an expensive tip. That's way back when.

That's way more than $4..

It was a great job.

You kind of make me want to deliver pizza, but not here in LA. I want to deliver it in Milford, where I'm from.

Sure. A lot's happening.

I'm curious. Maybe in your retirement, mine too, we'll start delivering pies.

I'm in. Where do I sign?

Well, Dan, great meeting you. Thanks for sharing that. And I'm so delighted that you were at that Minneapolis show. It was such a fun night.

This was great. Hey, before I sign off, can I just have my wife pop her head in here?

We would love to meet her. What's her name?

Her name is Megan. She found out about this prompt, so I've got to give her credit. Now I have to let her into my recording laboratory here.

Hi, guys. Hi, Megan. Nice to meet you.

I have been listening from day one. Me and my friend Rebecca, we talk about you guys every week, just like you're our best friends.

Shout out, Becca, best friend.

And I also need to say shout out to my daughter, Maggie. She's nine, and she'll be very upset if she does not get a shout out.

Okay, shout out, Maggie, first and foremost.

Megan and Maggie. This is pretty cute.

I have a little seven-month-old, Penny.

Oh, Penny, that's a great name.

Penny and Maggie, I love these names.

That was Dan's name choice, so he gets full credit for that one.

I like it.

You guys are very good at giving one another credit.

Oh, thank you. We've had lots of therapy and lots of practice.

Oh, good job.

We've actually known each other since we were 10 years old, so we're going on 31 years of knowing each other.

So you're from the same town of 900?.

Yep, I'm also from Avon, Minnesota. I was working at the Texco station across the street from the pizza place.

Did he ever deliver pizzas to you?

No, but they also had ice cream, so I got some ice cream deliveries, often because he was courting me for some time.

Oh, this is so cute.

Yeah, I love it. Well, it was so nice meeting you and Dan.

You too. Keep doing what you're doing. I love everything you guys do.

Okay, thank you. We will.

Bye.

Okay, bye-bye. Take care. Again, I know I say it all the time, but sweetest human beings in the world, listen to this show. I don't get it.

I ran into two at Blue Bottle.

Oh, I forgot. That was egregious. That's the biggest one you've ever had, I think. I mean, I couldn't even understand what you're saying. I ran into two at Blue Bottle.

I ran into two at Blue Bottle. They were so nice.

We're in here talking about diarrhea and snakes in your butt. Oh, someone's name is Rags. I like that.

Who?

Rags.

Oh, it's in quotes. That's fun.

I'm going to put my name in quotes. Dax Shepard. Hi. Is this Alicia?

Alicia. Nice to meet you.

Oh, Alicia. Wonderful. Yeah, pretty. Why do you have a sound deadening background?

So I am actually in my office. I work at a tech company. We have these little pods that people work in for quiet.

And is it much more peaceful inside of there? Can you tell the difference immediately?

I work in an office like in the back part, but we have an open floor plan, so I'm sure it's so much nicer to work in this. if you work on the floor. Everybody's loud. We have a ping pong table, all that kind of stuff.

Have you googled?

No.

I'm in Sacramento, so we're a smaller tech company.

It is interesting. People really embrace this whole notion of what these tech companies should be or not. They sound great if you're an extrovert, but if you're an introvert, you basically have to fucking work out loud in public. I don't know.

I guess you just live in one of these pods.

Well, it's the fact that they have to build them says something. Yeah.

I mean, a lot of people at our company work remote too, so coming back to the office has been interesting.

Okay. But before you had this esteemed position, you delivered items at one point.

Yeah. So back in college, in 2012,, I was actually a flower delivery person. Oh. It was a really cool job. I actually learned so much.

You would make the bouquets as well as deliver them?

So I started out as just like a delivery person, and then I luckily got to learn how to do all the big stuff. But I worked for this really small mom-and-pop shop owned by this really nice Greek man.

I just want to say one thing. It never occurred to me when we had this prompt, but now that I'm talking to you, this is almost the opposite end of the spectrum. as a parking ticket attendant, whereas the parking ticket people, everyone they interact with, hates their guts, whereas if you deliver flowers, virtually every single person is excited to see you.

Unless they have a stalker. That's not this story, but that is definitely common. I was so thrown off.

Oh, I wouldn't have even thought.

You're delivering 100 roses, and they're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah. We had to put people's names down on a list of who not to deliver to, because there would be stalkers trying to come in and send them stuff.

Stalkers are a dime a dozen.

You also got to juggle your ethics. They're good for business.

Let's do a stalking. True.

They're trying to tip you huge to send these flowers, and you're like, no, no, no, can't do it.

Who knew? Underbelly of flowers. Okay, so you were delivering at the time.

I come in just my third week of delivering, and it's gone smooth. It's been pretty easy. Still kind of getting used to just awkwardly showing up to someone's house with stuff.

Can I ask how big of a town this was in?

It's like a suburb of Sacramento, so I think we delivered in like a 50-mile radius. But, yeah, this was so interesting because I got my list of deliveries for the day,

Excitedly. For the listener, you had a very excited look on your face, yes.

Yeah, she's just like, over here, over here. I park the van, and she's like, oh, my God, thank you so much. Tell your boss, thank you so much. We're just so happy that you guys made all these arrangements for us. Please just go in and set the arrangements.

Yeah.

So I'm like, okay, I'll just put these up really quick. I got to get out of here.

Really quick. Was any part of your brain, in the same way that when you're standing high up on a building, your brain is telling you to jump for some weird reason, were you not being taunted by yourself to go look at the dead body?

No. I was just like, let me just not get close to it, which in hindsight, I have to get close to it. So I'm putting up these tall standing like sprays that are going on the other sides of the casket. And then we have two small displays that are going on pillars. And then we also do have a casket display.

The whole arrangement fell on the corpse.

The whole arrangement fell on the corpse. Oh, God. So first of all, I'm so lucky nobody's in this room while this is happening. But also I start freaking out because I know I'm going to have to go in and grab it. And I'm already freaked out by the body.

Like all that fake moss and shit.

Oh, my God. What if there was like a little flower in their mouth?

In their hair.

He's wearing like a white shirt. Oh, God. And then I realized that some of the water from the floral foam has also spilled out onto his shirt.

No. You fucking completely soiled the corpse. The family's going to be like, what happened to him? Where did he go? What did he do since we saw him last?

I'm just feeling so bad because I'm like, am I desecrating this body? Yeah. I don't know what to do. Do I go tell someone? And then I'm like, oh, my God, that's such a big group of Greek people.

Really quick. Did you get him all spic and span? Right.

I didn't know what to do. And so I was just like, okay, let me just get these other arrangements in real quick. And then maybe I'll tell someone or maybe I can find something to clean this up. And luckily, when I went out to get the two small arrangements, I realized I had like those microfiber work towels in the truck. And so I grabbed one and I went back in and I put the little displays up and I went over to the body again.

With the edge of the towel. Yeah.

I'm just like being so weird, still looking around, making sure no one's watching me. And then I was like, okay, well, I got to get this water puddle up. And so I just like start dabbing. And as I'm doing that, people start coming in. And I panic and I tuck the towel under his body and I just start darting out.

Oh, you just stuffed it in the corner in the casket?

Just under his back.

Under his back. This is virtually Weekend at Bernie's. It escalated so fast. Oh, my God.

Also, now it's like when Dr. Death leaves the towels in people.

Yeah, the sponges.

Now I kind of understand why he might have.

He'd be like, where'd all this trash come from? Dirt and leaves and towels.

Yeah, what if the family starts walking up and then they just start screaming? Because obviously something horrible happened.

That's all I could think of. The way I almost ran past these people that are coming in. I really think I'm going to be fired and that this family is going to be so upset. But to be fair, when I dusted the stuff off, you really couldn't see that there was anything going on.

You did a good job.

In a pinch. I could clean off a body, I guess.

I would love to see a heart rate monitor in that moment. Oh, my God. I wonder if you were like at 160..

I was probably profusely sweating. There's no way that my makeup wasn't melting off.

Yeah, you vandalized the body.

Yeah, I was the most nervous I've ever been.

Risky with the towel, though, because they're wearing makeup and stuff.

Yes, if you would have scraped the makeup off.

Yeah.

This man, again, I feel awful about what I did, but also his makeup was scary, heavy. And I'm like, oh, my God, if water got on it, he's going to have like a streak on his face. Who knows?

Yeah, that's the part you never prepare yourself for when you go see a dead body. I almost feel like they should just let it be normal. I know. Because the person's dead. You've never seen them dead.

It's uncomfortable.

Their hair is styled. You're seeing them with a makeover. Right.

Yeah, his hair looked like super jet black, dyed. And I was like, I don't think he rocked that.

You may have heard this story, but, yeah, they dyed my friend's blonde mustache brown.

That's so drastic.

It was so drastic. So much so that we thought he might have been an undercover cop.

Undercover, yeah. Needless to say, I did not get fired, which is nice. Nothing happened. I hid the evidence as well as anybody could. I'm hoping they just kind of said their goodbyes, closed the casket, and that was the end.

This story makes me want to hire you desperately. I tell the story all the time about Monica. The test of her as a great employee was when she was showing a duplex. we owned to some prospective renters, and all of the appliances had been stolen out of it the day before. And they were like, what happened to all the appliances that were here?

Like, I walked in, and the appliances were gone, and these people were coming in six minutes. And they were coming back, so they had already seen it.

They'd already fallen in love with the appliances. Yeah.

I acted on my feet.

Yeah, and said, you know, it's a nice place, and they decided to upgrade the appliances, so they've all been taken out, but we're going to get even better ones in. And I was like, oh, Monica's a gangster. We got to keep her forever. When the shit hits the fan. That's right.

I think it really prepared me, because now I work in HR.

A lot of dusting.

Yeah, I got to do a lot of cleanup. I got to think on my feet very quickly, so it definitely was an experience I will never forget. But I still feel so bad for the family, and then I'm so mad that I didn't get to taste all the good food.

Oh, yeah.

Because I was hammocked. Hammocked. Yeah.

And had to leave. You could probably just crash a Greek wedding, or, well.

I mean, maybe both, either.

I was like, here's hoping I get invited to something Greek soon enough.

That was fantastic.

Yeah, thank you, Alicia.

Yeah. I just want to say I'm such a big fan of both of you. I went to both of your shows in San Francisco.

Oh, you did. Oh, that's so great.

The first one, with all the kind of drunk people.

Oh, yeah. Got a little rowdy. That was the one that made us stop giving people in the audience microphones.

Yeah, they were kind of just going on and on. I was like, oh, what is happening down there? Then, when I went to the second show, it was for Armchaired and Dangerous, which was so cool, because I'm so in love with David.

Yeah, we all are. Oh, we'll have to tell him.

Yeah, he's a stud.

Yeah, it's great meeting you.

Thank you so much. I hope you have a good rest of your day. You too. Bye.

Take care.

Oh, my God. That is hilarious.

It's such an 80s movie.

It is. Yeah. I bet I would blow on his face to get the debris off.

What if you had to lick your finger and rub his lips, and then, all of a sudden, you decided it would be easier just to kiss him? What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God.

Or sniffing him. You'd be all up in that casket. It would be tough for you because you're so tiny. You'd have to probably climb up in it like a little kid.

And you like sick people. Sick boys.

Yeah, I do.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid of them.

That's it?

Not that sick.

That's a little extreme.

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Sure. Yeah, that's important.

What was your first job?

I taught gymnastics at Fantastic Gymnastics.

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That's my childhood nickname. I got when I was about 10, 11 years old.

What instigated that nickname?

Probably derived from my last name. It's an Italian last name, so they just kind of shortened it up a little bit. Even my parents called me that when I was a kid. It's a good nickname.

Okay, now, listen. Can I attribute this great vascularity in your left bicep to the fact that you're carrying a lot of packages? Or are you in the gym also?

I do gym also. I mean, this job will keep you young, that's for sure.

Yeah, my grandpa... Sorry, go ahead. I'm going to tell you about my grandpa. Your time. You don't want to hear about my grandpa.

I love grandpa stories.

Well, he carried these 60-pound bags of flour at Wonder Bread for like 40 years.

Right? It was a different generation back then. You know, they all worked hard like that.

You had to earn your biceps back then.

I have a feeling your story is going to have to do with the shirt you're wearing. I don't know if we're allowed to say.

We should probably not say.

Yeah, we shouldn't say. Unless you want to.

But I'm making that assumption too.

Probably keep that under wraps.

Okay, great.

Because I'm taking a little lunch break. We'll just say one of the big three delivery companies.

Okay, great.

Okay, so hit us with your crazy delivery story. Well, let me back up. Without saying who you work for. We've had a pizza delivery person. We've had flour delivery.

150, 160 a day from around there. Plus business is tied in. It's a busy business.

You're constantly walking up to people's houses. I would love this, by the way.

It's a great job. I love the physicality of it.

Do people ever tip? I have, but I don't know how common that is. Uh-oh.

Well, you know what? On my old route, which I loved. I was there for 18, 19 years. It was a little small town. I knew everybody.

Every time?

Oh, that's so nice.

You could sit there and try to reject it. He would just be like, I don't want it. You take it. Super nice, dude. But yeah, we get tips every once in a while.

So I interrupted you. There's one that was crazy among, I'm sure, many you have.

Yeah, I have a lot of them. But yeah, one is crazy. It was about 10 years ago in a rural part of Ohio. Me, on a back road. I found a guy dead outside of his house.

Whoa. Hold on. You jumped right to the punchline. Oh my god.

Whoa.

He lived on this back road.

And when you pull up to his house, he had a long driveway that went down in. He had a camera up top. By the time he got to the back of the truck and grabbed the package,

I don't want to get bit.

I'm on high alert. It's like sensory overload at this point. It's like November. So it's cold in Ohio. And all the leaves are off the tree.

Yeah, this sounds a little bit like a zombie apocalypse. For sure.

So I'm walking down there. And I hear this radio playing from the house. And it's 150, 200 yards away. So I don't think anything of it. I'm walking down there.

Oh.

And I'm like, well, you know what? Halloween just passed. You know, maybe somebody stuffed a pair of jeans with some leaves or something. It's like a scarecrow. This fucking guy doesn't decorate.

Oh, no.

So then I'm like, either this guy's dying right now or he's already dead.

Oof.

Yeah.

And then it's swirling. You're like, well, what the fuck do I do? I might have to save this guy's life. You know, I was a Boy Scout when I was a kid. I took a lifeguard class.

Wait, this is where it gets fucked up.

Yeah, this is where it gets even more fucked up. So he's got a lot of cats. I mean, they're everywhere.

Oh. On top of the roof of the house.

They're in, like, broke-down washer and dryer. that's in the yard.

Wow.

And they're all doing this weird meowing and shit. And I'm just like, what the fuck? So as I get closer, I definitely realize that he's dead. And when I get closer, the cats are up by his head, and they are chewing. No!

Emma, yeah.

Props to Emma. Big props.

No, Emma's the secret weapon that no one meets. Yeah, she's incredible.

Absolutely. She did a great job. So when I'm responding to this email, I, like Theo Vaughn. A little quick thing pops up on my phone about him. And it's about cats will eat their owners if they die inside the house.

I read the same post from Theo. Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, he goes, they won't even wait. So I get up there. There's probably five to ten cats up there. Ew! I just got like a brief look, because I didn't want to see any more, you know.

Just make them scatter.

Shoot. Scram. Scram. And they did to a degree. And then at that point, I'm like, well, what the fuck do I do now?

Really quick question. This is such a low priority, given what you're dealing with. But did it cross your mind, like, well, I can keep this package?

No, that never crossed my mind.

Oh, my God. I think that would have crossed my mind.

Like, well, he's dead. He doesn't need this package.

I was just trying not to get eaten alive by the cats. That's all I was worried about, just getting the fuck out of there.

How long did you think it was? Were you like, this is over a day?

Being in November, it was probably like 40, some degrees. So it probably preserved the body a little bit. And so when the sheriff showed up, or the deputy, he comes down. I don't mean to think this is funny, but he walks up. He goes, yep, he's dead.

Oh, my God. You get desensitized in these jobs.

And so he said it was probably a few days he was out there. You know, if this was August, you probably would have smelled him from the top of the driveway.

How old was this gentleman?

Probably mid-60s, somewhere around there. He was an older gentleman.

And was the theory? maybe he dropped dead of a heart attack? Or had he injured himself on this saw?

I'm thinking he had a heart attack and then just fell dead on the spot. Because I didn't want to touch him either, in case something crazy did happen. Somebody showed up, murdered him.

My imagination might have ran away with me when I had already felt scared walking down. It's a very creepy property. Too many washing machines and rusted out cars and tractors. You see the dead body, you might think, is there a murderer in the house?

You just never know. It's crazy.

Total sidebar. But on first glance, the thing about the cats, it feeds my narrative that I don't like cats. And I like dogs. But then I was just thinking about this. If I died and Rob and Monica wanted to eat me, I'd also be extremely flattered by that.

That's disgusting.

You wouldn't be flattered if you died and Rob and I wanted to eat you?

No, that's so disrespectful.

I see both your guys' points.

Wait, no, you don't.

No one sees Dax's point on this.

If we're on an island and we have no food.

Well, that's fine. That's different.

It would mean, like, you guys loved me so much, you wanted to consume me after I died.

No.

Muscle's too tough. We wouldn't have anything to eat. Well, it would be terrible. There's no debate there. It's just, I think I'd feel flattered.

You're probably not going to be doing that.

So is this a part of your job you like too? If you're an accountant every day, yeah, you're going to come across some crazy receipts one day. But you're not going to probably wander upon a dead body with cats. I would like that part of your job.

I do. That's why I've done it for so long. There's always something new around the corner that you've never seen. Whether it pisses you off or you're like, wow, that was pretty fucking cool.

Have you ever caught people making love?

I've heard it, but I've never really seen it. I mean, I've had people open the doors, snake and shit. It's always usually the dudes that do it.

Oh, come on, dudes.

Dudes need to get their shit together. It's a real problem.

Answer the door like an adult.

I know. Oh, my God.

Oh, Rags, this is a showstopper.

This was incredible.

Yeah, I mean, fucking the cat.

This is top five. Shit, thank you.

Let's just all agree that nothing will ever, ever pass the woman in a marathon who shit herself and then had an orgasm. I will never hear a story as long as I live.

That's number one.

I didn't expect to top that one.

Yeah, there's no beating that.

Mine doesn't even hold that jock strap for that one.

Jordan, well, great meeting, you, Rags. This was a party.

Yes, thanks for sharing that.

No, thank you guys so much. You guys made this easy. And also another thing, you know, when I was going through that whole story, props to EMTs and shit that have to deal with that stuff on a regular basis to keep their cool. Shout out to those guys for sure.

Yeah, when shit gets too heavy for us, we have people we call, and then they show up and deal with it.

They're other humans on Earth.

Well, great meeting you, Rags. I hope we're keeping you company on the road there.

Yeah, you guys made my day.

Thank you. All right, take care, brother. That was a good Midwestern dude right there. Here's Lily. Lily, time to meet my friend Lily.

I didn't even think about the robot is going to be triggered by this.

I hate that. that's why I was designed. I'd rather work in companionship with you. I could carry your car keys. Hello.

I got to see the robot live. It was the most exciting day of my life.

I was blowing my nose, and I was still talking, and I realized that I was doing that. Then I said, I'm a delivery boy.

Hi.

Where are you?

Well, I'm in a closet.

You've done a great job.

No, I'm in Spartanburg, South Carolina, which is upstate.

Did your story take place in Columbus, Ohio? Is that what you were about to say?

Columbia, South Carolina. Columbia, South Carolina is where the University of South Carolina is, which is where I was when the story took place.

I got you. I love South Carolina. Do you like it there?

I do. I'm from Virginia originally, and I moved down here to go to USC, which, of course, to you all, is probably not the USC, you know.

It's the USC I know. Go Dawgs.

Yes.

Roll Tide.

I went to USC and met my boyfriend, who I stayed down here for, but I love it here.

And does he have a super charming Southern accent?

You know, the first time that my parents met him, they were like, you are talking so slow.