#617 - ALI SIDDIQ
2023-07-06 01:58:25
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email [email protected] Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV. If you want to check out our Merch, go to Shop Squad Dot TV for Death Squad Merch and tour dates, or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony Merch, including posters and hats, shirts and hoodies, Kill Merch, Merch..com. Tony has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe Calm. He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information.
That's Tony Hinchcliffe, Calm. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the Mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out My Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX Comm for more information.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Yeah.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill.
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Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service. CM. Smokehouse Gel Blaster available in the stores everywhere. And Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which proudly presents the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Everybody. Special guests joining us tonight. The great Tarell Shaheed over there on the horns, that's a badass motherfucker.
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White man Matt Muehling right here on the electric guitar. This is John D's on the keys, the guy to put it all together, John D's comm j-o-n-d-e-a-s, and you'll never believe. But right here, this is D-madness. Everybody right down the barrel. Fresh new haircut.
I believe he did it himself. It is beautiful, absolutely stunning. We are coming off of an absolutely insane show. On Saturday night, we went full pro wrestling. How many of you guys were there, huh?
I feeling I had a feeling. People that bought those wacky tickets would extend their trip for a Monday. You guys know how we do, Mondays are our Saturday, except we did Saturday on Saturday as well. So a lot of fun ahead. You guys know how it goes.
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Tonight we go with one guest and one guest only very, very excited about this. You are, you know, a huge part of this show. I like to fucking. We get to meet a lot of these people out of the bucket, this and that on this show. But another thing that I take great fucking pride in is booking some of the best guests on planet. I'm pretty sure that it was us that introduced a lot of people to Tim Dillon. Shane Gillis five, six years ago.
People like that, this is one of truly the best comedians out there. This is his first time ever as a guest on Kill Tony. Make some noise for one of the greats, Ali Sadiq.
Everybody come on.
Yes, his new special, The Domino Effect, to.
Locks It's on YouTube now. Come on one more time for Ali Sadiq, everybody.
Welcome to the show, Ali. This is insane, it is. it's crazy. This is your first time on. We're pumped to have you. I'm excited to be here.
Absolutely so. Since it's your first time, I'll explain it to you. There is over Jesus. It feels like more than usual yoni.
How many, Christy? How many were there?
You know what, it doesn't matter. Over 200 people signed up for the show. Feels thick in there, girthy, it's almost to the top. Look at that, crazy. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know, their sound is up when you hear the sound of a kitten, that means wrap it up. Then on the else, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, and then I interview them for a few minutes. We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what's interesting about their lives, what makes them different.
The whole thing's improvised, it's all chaos. You guys ready to start tonight show?
Wow, I will reach in the bucket and pre-pull the first name of the night, and that goes off. They go pass them through security, make sure they don't have guns and knives on them, lock up their phones, and they stand in the back waiting. But I think you guys know how we're gonna start tonight's episode.
With one of our regulars, this young man became a regular two years ago. We watched him go through everything living in his van, making out with strippers.
Being wildly successful, doing arenas, getting a cocaine addiction, selling out every weekend on the road and Saturday, he defended his regular ship.
With great ease, ladies and gentlemen, singing if you know the words, this is Hans Kim.
What's up, chicks?
Just got back from Korea, I finally did what all those racists have been telling me to do for years and went back where I came from.
Racists make the best travel agents.
They'll send you everywhere but Mississippi and West Virginia.
It's hard to be nice to people in Korea because everyone looks the same. I'm like, Hey, you look like the guy that cut me off in traffic and the guy that fucked my girlfriend and my girlfriend.
How am I supposed to respect someone that looks like my girlfriend?
Loved Korea, It was great. I think, you know, it's really hard to be back in America. Something that you might not know about Korea is that I got my girlfriend a t-shirt from Korea. And a lot of people might think that she's doing some stolen kimchi because she's wearing a Korea shirt and she's white. But I think she's had enough Korean coming to her for her to be an honorary member.
If you take a DNA sample of her in the right spot, she's a hundred percent Korean.
All right, thank you, Hans Kim. With a great many punchlines, many laughs per minute there. I feel like there's a little fucking fire underneath you nowadays, huh?
Yeah, a little, some reason, I'm afraid for my life. Yeah, all of a sudden.
All of a sudden we got Hans wide awake. It's funny because you were kind of off a week on a week, off a week on a week. But now that you know that you're fighting for your job, it appears as if, though, we have you exactly at the type of work you were doing when we first made you a regular. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, right before the cocaine addiction.
Yes, Tony, my eyes are wide open right now. Wow.
They're not. That is incredible. I believe that's what his choke was, right.
Tagged it with the obvious truth. So let's talk about it. Hans still fresh back from Korea. I love it. What else happened there that we don't know about? I tried to have a threesome with my girlfriend.
And into what else? And a friend of hers and the bed, and she was. I only had sex with my girlfriend that night. Okay, what did the other girl do? She was just sleeping, oh.
Very creepy, very creepy. That's the closest to a Bill Cosby joke you've ever had before.
Incredible Ali, this is your first time seeing Hans, right? what do you think about this guy?
I've been to Korea, I wasn't doing none of that over there.
What's going on with you in your life?
My question, like, how did it? how did the threesome come up with your girl? Are you just sitting there, you say?
It's a great question, how do you pitch a threesome to a girl like that? I was like, Hey, let's just go to my house, let's all crash there. It's like, Oh, but you only have one bed? I'm like, Oh, well, it's not a big deal, I just try not to talk about it.
It's not a big deal.
I thought, if I fucked her good enough, her friend would be like, Oh, what's that?
Did you feel like you were fucking her good enough to wake her up? I did not do as well as I wanted to do. Can you explain to us what you mean when you say you didn't do as good as you wanted to? Was it quick?
Was it short pumps? I was just tired, falling asleep, fingering her, and.
Wait, wait. Is that how it works? When you have an Asian penis, you also have to finger them like.
Throw double guns up, you know what I mean? I like to warm her up a little bit. Oh.
Okay, the motor started, the motor started. Oh yeah, was she sleeping also?
Yeah, sort of.
Incredible. So, of course, the other girl didn't wake up, you were falling asleep.
Some help just to give you some help. How many guys in here have ever thought this? That if I'm knocking one girl down in the room and another girl see it, that she go for it to?
How many guys have thought that in this room?
A lot of people be on your same page, like.
She hear what's going on over here.
Hans, That was a great minute, I'm telling you, it seems as though we've got you in a prime fighting shape once again. So, I mean, I'm gonna send you off to the back and then we'll bring you back out after the next comedian set. Because you're fighting for regular shit again, everybody.
Yeah, for those who do, the weren't there on Saturday.
You might not know, but we're doing a brand new thing with Hans in order to ha, ha ha re-energize his work ethic in his career. Where now, every single week, he has to defend his regular ship against one of the highest qualifying candidates. On Saturday night, I got to give him all the credit in the world. He smashed the unbelievably likable, unbelievably talented five-year golden ticket winner Enrique Chacon with Grady's this week. I think is an even bigger challenge.
Ladies and gentlemen, if he wins, he becomes a regular on kill. Tony. He's from Toronto.
Canada everybody he is.
Very, very special in a great many ways, I believe it's called globally.
Globally challenged. I was using a different word on Saturday during the uncensored stream brought to you by Moment House.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of our favorites of all time Golden Ticket winner fighting to become a regular. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Jared Nathan. Everyone.
Oh my god.
For myself, speech therapy.
Has involved over the years it first started.
With me saying tongue twisters, how much word can a word choc, choc if a word choc and choc would?
Now it evolved to me.
Pussy.
Body and she.
Went down.
Her name?
It's Sandra Monning on P-p-p-p-p-p-b-b-batteries.
You know what they say, one should go stutter to end no other.
Thank you.
Jared Nathan in a historical moment in the show's history.
Ha ha ha.
Jared An incredible, another incredible performance. Not quite as many laughs per minute as Hans, but a couple bigger, like big pops at different points, different p-p-p-p-points. Very fun. Nathan, how do you feel like that went? It went fantastic.
Okay, I think I was on it, you what?
I think, I think it was one of my best sets here at the Mothership.
Okay, I think myself.
All right, yeah.
I disagree with that. Yeah, I think I disagree too. All right, I see what you're trying to do, though, you're trying to get in the voters heads.
Ha ha ha, trying to pull some Joe Biden trickery right now.
Oh, the cost of bananas is down 10 after I raised it 60 two months ago. Oh, you guys are Biden fans. Okay, we lost you there. Oh yeah, there's a lot of people visiting from California today. Everybody. Oh, welcome, dear visitors.
We don't have any fun when you're not here.
Ha ha ha.
Jared.
Look at the look of seriousness on your face. TOny Oh, my goodness, this is a big deal. I love it.
Yeah, it is. So. How do you feel is that true that you've been eating pussy?
I do like eating pussy, yeah.
Wow.
Oh my goodness, it helps my muscles.
One of the great things about this show is that when people like you are on this show, I get to look directly at the guest's reaction. And this is Ali Sadiq's first time hearing of a Jared Nathan, seeing a Jared Nathan and listening to a Jared Nathan. Ali Sadiq. You can say whatever you want. What do you think about Jared?
Oh my goodness, man.
That was your best set on the mothership.
Second or third, maybe okay. It was exciting.
Like, you come out with the wrestling thing. I think I had a joke, came clear this time, you what?
My joke came clear the other times, it came clear this time for myself, it did.
That is incredible, I can't imagine if this was my first time seeing you. You want to see something, Ali?
What you want to see something, I'm here.
When I whisper, I do not stutter.
When he whispers, he does not stutter.
It's like, I'm doing ASMR.
Wow.
Don't worry, it's not airborne.
You can't catch it.
It's like he threw something on me, yeah.
When I whisper, I don't stutter.
Like the yin-yang twins.
Hey, what am I saying here?
Where do you see my jokes?
Let's get Hans Kim back out here, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh my goodness.
Wow.
I mean, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Hans Kim for two years. And by the way, this thing that we've done tonight and on Saturday with Hans is the only time we've ever done anything like this. It is absolutely incredible. I figure it is an absolute win-win situation.
It goes to show you exactly what the live audience is feeling, because I let you guys decide. So, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have? Jared Nathan winning tonight's regular ship battle? Make some noise for Jared Nathan.
All right.
You've known him for two years, you've seen him over 100 times on the show. How many of you think Hans Kim retains again, huh?
I had a feeling.
The boy is in fighting shape, he's wide awake, stronger than ever. Hans Kim, How do you feel?
I feel great.
That was perfect, perfect.
This feels amazing, Jared.
Jared's still trying to fuck you up.
I tried to hug him. You got any more fat retards for me to beat Tony? Well....
Well, it's funny you mention that because next week you will be challenged again. And your opponent, who has a lot of confidence about the issue, goes by the name of Uncle Laser, everybody.
I never give away what's happening a week away, but we're going to do it.
Uncle Laser, who hasn't been on this show in months, who's been out doing spots running longer sets, started on this show. And he thinks he has you. But I'll tell you this. Jared thought he was going to do it, and I talked to Enrique Chacon before the show on Saturday and he thought he was going to do it.
I think it's an exciting way to fucking kick off a show with a couple comedians. And I think you should be really proud of your work right now. Hans two years into writing a new minute every week.
Thank you guys, it's great to see you reinvigorated.
Take that mic stand, put it back on that pink x, come on guys, make some fucking noise for Jared, Nathan and Hans Kim, everybody, that was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim, all right, your first bucket full of the night. You guys know how this goes. It's definitely, most likely, almost guaranteed, going to be a lower quality comedian than what we've seen so far tonight.
But anything could happen. It could be the person that's going to battle Hans in two weeks. It could be somebody that we never see again. It could be a genius, it could be a completely insane homeless person.
Make some noise for them. We're going to meet them all together for Jake Rutigliano.
That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim.
Come on, everybody, one more time for Jake Rutigliano.
Wow.
This is great, I'm coming from a communist country, so being right here right now, this is crazy. I don't hate being from Canada.
But I didn't know that freedom tasted like barbecue and sunshine. This is fucking unbelievable, yeah.
It's pretty cool being up there, they're pretty progressive, which is kind of nice. It's nice to be able to see Canada's first Black Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. He did blackface so many times that he lost count, that's not something you should lose count of.
He did pitch blackface, he smiled, and it was like the Cheshire cat, and you can just see him like that, with his dumb face just going, Yeah, yeah.
I'm blanking, This is it right now? guys? This is crazy, this is absolutely unbelievable.
Thank you.
Yeah, I can feel it, I can tell, I can see when it happens.
Yeah, yeah.
How about that?
I know what that's like when you fucking lose it. Yeah, incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
This was my second time.
Second time ever adorable. Thank you. When and where was your first time?
In Toronto.
In Toronto. Yeah, yeah, on Kill Tony.
No, no, no.
Oh, okay, right in Toronto, where?
Just at a random basement pub.
A random basement pub. Yeah, I noticed that your hat is way too big for you.
It's too big, yeah.
What's going on there? It's bothering the shit out of me, what's going on? It's your hat, it's your hat.
I know it's not like we put a hat on people before they come out, it's not like something. It's too big for me, I don't know.
It's aggressive. You signed up for a show that a million plus people are going to see. Yeah, and you're wearing a weird hat, dude. Did you buy that at the Hallmark store?
What kind of hat is that?
Close enough, it was H&M.
No, no, put the hat back on.
Okay, man.
H&m a Canadian H&m, though.
For sure, right?
Yeah, right, right.
I washed it once and it got disheveled and now it's bigger.
You washed it, what? did you wash it in? exactly a car? wash, yeah.
That hat is pointless.
Yeah, a little bit.
That's like something they would dress up like an orangutan with, or something like that. You can keep flipping it any way you want. It's not going to work. I'm trying to make it more comfortable. Did you know that it was too big before tonight?
Did you notice it during the day when you were tying your shoes and it was falling off? It's one of those three stooges clips or something. I mean, the hat is obnoxiously big, it is. when did you notice that the hat was too big?
When I got on the plane.
You got on the plane from Canada. Did you think about buying another one? I didn't. Why didn't you think about that? Do you have extra money?
Not too much.
No.
And then the rest I took out to bring here, and everything is cashless here.
Everything is cashless here.
It's what it feels like.
Ollie.
My thing is this, do you know that it's a thing where you can adjust the hat?
I'm like, what do you think that thing right there do?
I tried, I tried to.
I don't know what this does.
It started like puffing out and going all nosey, Oh my god.
Look at all this.
There's so much room, it is obnoxious. Let's see how many little joke books we can fit in the side of your hat.
It's like a beret.
Here, catch this and I just want you to put it, like, halfway in, sure, there you go.
Alright, there's one.
Oh my god, that's two, just halfway in, halfway in.
You know what, put that one on that side, put it on that side.
Oh my god, alright, here's a big one. try the big one.
It's like Toad from Mario.
There you go.
Alright, one more.
I want you to put this one on the same side as that one. I think it can fit right against it, push it up there.
This is absolutely incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
Oh my god.
You have a phone book in your hat.
Holy shit.
It's tight.
It's tight. Give me the big joke books back, you're not getting one of those.
And then give me three of these small ones, no two, you're going to get to keep that one. I'll let you hold on to it now.
There you go, so let me talk to you a little more. What do you do for work up there in Canada? Jake Rutigliano.
I'm a server and I'm an actor.
Oh yeah, what kind of acting have you done before?
I went to theater school.
Yeah.
So I'm in a Shakespeare play this summer.
Okay, yeah, can you give us like 15 20 seconds of some good acting? can you give us like a little you can?
I know you can.
I can try, yeah.
Sure.
Take the hat off and hang it up on the.
It's making me furious.
Oh my God, for those of you only listening to the show. He just put the hat, hung the hat on a mic stand and it went through. The the hat is so big, like a magic trick.
It went through the mic stand.
This is absolutely incredible. I'm so excited that you will always be known as the hat man. Here he is, with a little Shakespearean Canadian, fully vaccinated. Acting for you This is a few seconds of acting with Jake Rutigliano. Everybody, here we go.
To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles? And, by opposing, end them to die to sleep?
No more.
And by a sleep, to say, we end the heartache that flesh is heir to.
Wow.
I'm not going to lie.
That's the first time I ever heard somebody do Shakespeare in a real voice.
Okay.
He didn't rev it up.
That was very, very impressive. Hats off to you, Jake.
Thank you for signing up.
You got your little joke book. I did. I actually handed, sorry, okay?
I handed you.
What, what?
The name fell out of the bucket at the 10th anniversary, and I handed you the name. I was sitting there, front row.
If you wouldn't have mentioned that, it would have changed my life forever. There he goes. Jake Rutigliano, thank you for picking up the name at the start of the tenure.
Very, very interesting piece of information. These Canadians, they are wacky folks. There he goes, there goes Jake, everybody make some noise for Jake.
All right, your second name out of the bucket? We're going to meet them all together. As you just saw, anything can happen. Make some noise for Brandon Bodie, everybody.
Brandon Bodie.
Here he is, one more time for Brandon Bodie.
What's up, Austin?
How are we doing tonight?
How's it going? Yeah, to riff or not to riff? that is the question. I'm going to do my set.
When I was nine years old, my dad took me to see my first ballet, which is an incredible turn of events. For a Southern gentleman like him. Just a typical guy hunts fishes, married his cousin.
It's actually true. We'll talk about that later, yeah, but the other kids, they weren't so lucky to have a dad like mine. They took them to things like civil war, exposure, therapy, you know, the dads I'm talking about.
Civil war dads, you know, just take their kids to the battlefield. You know what I thought I went through? I thought it was confusing to me sexually, based off my wilderness survival training up to that point. But those kids, they just had to go shoot blanks with old people on the front lines. I'm like, I feel like that's worse for your sexual development, am I right?
Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, shout out to not being gay despite the ballet.
Oh shit, all right, Brandon.
Little rocky there.
Bodie, How are you, Brandon?
Doing well, man, doing well.
Okay, glad to be here. Okay, how long you been doing? Stand up?
About a year and a half.
Where at?
Columbia, South Carolina.
Columbia, South Carolina, Wow.
The state that started the civil war.
I once had one of my worst experiences ever there. I swore it off one of the few cities that I've sworn off. At the time, I was with a massive agency called CAA and they didn't. It was on this crazy. This was the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour in 2016, my first ever theater tour. Wow.
And I did a gig in Columbia, South Carolina, and my agent. Normally there's a guarantee and then there's if you do really good, you get a big percentage of the door. But there's always a guarantee to protect you, just in case if you almost like, say, you fill. If you get 80 or more filled, then you get a big percentage, but there's always a little guarantee to protect you. Everybody's gonna make money, everything's good. It was the only gig where I hit like 78 instead of 80, because Columbia, South Carolina, is a bunch of unfunny, fat hillbillies.
And it was the only stop on the tour. In which my agent at one of the biggest agencies in the world, the third biggest comedy agency on planet Earth, forgot to put a guarantee in. So I literally walked with nothing. The venue said, you get nothing, you get nothing at all, even though, yeah, holy shit is right. The dark side of show business.
It's a bleak place.
I fired CAA after that, so luckily now I'm with the biggest comedy agency in the world, UTA, and my agent's sitting. How about a big hand for my agent? Everybody making us all absolutely rich. It's just fucking unbelievable, anyway. I've always wondered what Tim Dillon would be like with brain damage.
I'm excited.
I'm excited that you're here. It is unbelievable to see an unfunny Tim Dillon. It is absolutely crazy, but I bet in Columbia you're just a gunslinger, huh?
No, I'm all right.
I like that, I like the honesty, I'm trying to do my thing. Okay, all right, you say a lot of words.
What do you do for work?
Dude, I have no job right now.
Wow, how are you surviving? Well? I haven't had a job other than off the reserved body fat that you have.
That really helps. The last two months I haven't had a job, but I was in. I got some insurance money a couple months ago and it's been enough to.
Ooh, I love that answer. How did you get insurance money?
I got into two wrecks within four days in the summer of 21.
Wow.
Bad wrecks. Oh my god, what was happening? Rocky Road?
Uber.
Wait, you were driving Uber?
The first wreck, yes.
Okay, the second one, you were in an Uber.
The second wreck, I was driving to my wrecked car in the lot.
Okay, so explain to this. I mean, you look like a guy that loves t-bones, but not those kind.
Explain to us.
How you get into two wrecks in four days.
Yeah, man. So I was driving 70 miles an hour down the interstate with a passenger in the backseat ranting Mazda Miata came off the exit.
That's your car, Mazda Miata.
No, it was coming off in front of me. Oh, I was in a RAv4..
You were in the exit lane as well.
I was driving down the interstate, he was merging into the interstate.
Gotcha, you're in the far right lane.
He cuts across me, spins multiple times on the slick, oiled rain road and I t-boned him. Thankfully, I slowed down.
I was not at fault for either accident, which was nice.
Right, right.
But I wish I was.
Because I fucking hated that guy. How much insurance money did you get?
I got about $20,000 in total.
Okay, and how long have you been surviving off of the $20,000?
About two months, so a lot of it's left, and I had a little bit more before then. So okay, what do you spend?
Most of your money on what's something that you like to splurge on throughout the week? Food? Yeah. Can you be a little more specific?
Because we fucking knew that.
I like hibachi food ah, I like chipotle.
I actually like everything that you're saying.
Yeah, I like, yeah.
I'm a big guy.
A lot of other places suck now, but honestly, I just like to eat.
At random restaurants. Okay, so let's talk about it. How many times a week are you hibachi-ing? Let's be honest?
Probably no, honestly, probably about once a week, I'll get a hibachi meal.
Okay, how many chipotles a week?
Probably about one, yeah.
Okay, what are you eating the rest of the week?
I make food at home, I make lots of steaks, sandwiches, chicken, rice, not a lot of vegetables or fruits.
We know.
Yeah.
But uh.
Yeah, man.
What do you do for fun?
What do I do for fun? I like to fish, I like to fly fish, I like to bass fish, I like to just hang with the boys.
Do you eat the fish that you catch? Sometimes? Yeah, okay, I mean, you say, yeah, like, I should know that.
Oh, yeah, I guess you shouldn't know that. Yeah, I mean, but I do, yeah.
Okay, what else when you're not fishing and hanging with the boys? Anything else? You have any special skills or talents that aren't comedy-related? Yeah, sure.
I sing, I play a little music, really, yeah.
You really sing?
Yeah, I have a black belt in martial arts, all right, let's go back.
To the singing I want to know.
I can't do anything other than that here.
What kind of song do you want to sing you guys want to hear?
Country, rock, pop, whatever. why don't you tell the band an actual song?
This is like, meatloaf only ate meatloaf. This is very exciting, Brandon. You make so much noise into the microphone, it's incredible.
I'll hold it farther.
You've stepped on more fucking punchlines with your fat feet than anybody I've ever fucking had on this show. Do you think you had to tell this band what song into the microphone while facing them? No, all right.
Impulse.
Are we ready? Sure, oh shit.
Oh, okie, dokie, that's a all right. okie, dokie.
So are we going to do a song?
Yeah.
Did you pick a song?
No, I hadn't.
Are you retarded? Maybe any? Pick a fucking song, don't say anything because you're not going to be able to do with.. ..
Brandon.
Let's do Tennessee whiskey, there you go.
Let's just do, Chris hip, you know what fuck it? I'm sick of you, you're gone.
Brandon, Everybody.
There he goes, it happens, Brandon. take one of these, take one of those. There he goes, Brandon.
Ooh, like Tennessee whiskey.
Dang it.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a special treat right now. There is a golden ticket winner that hasn't been on the show in a really long time. This young man won his golden ticket years ago in the Middle of Des Moines, Iowa. This is his first time performing at the Comedy Mothership, his first time on Kill Tony at the Mothership. Make some noise for one of the great Golden Ticket winners of all time.
Make some noise for aloe, mean everybody.
You may recognize him as the man that roasted Donnell Rawlings off of the stage.
Aloe mean everybody.
I'm glad Tony took a while to introduce me to come up here. I was backstage, robbing that last motherfucker, a goofy ass up here, telling him I won $20,000 in a lawsuit. Meanwhile, I'm backstage like, Oh shit, really. This has been an expensive trip anyway.
Texas supports niggas robbing white people. I like that. I might have to move down here for real, man. I've been thinking about it, I don't know.
I mean, I just had a kid, so I'm kind of worried. But if I get maybe two or three more amber alerts, I'm going to come down here. My daughter's expensive bro, and, you know, I'll change her name to fucking Amber, you know, and put her on the corner.
Beep, beep, beep. No more fucking daycare fees for me.
Trafficked, trafficked. I'm not even doing the jokes I was going to do. Hey, I'll tell you this. Hi, my name is Aloe.
My pronouns are niggas with attitude. If that's too dangerous for you, my alternative pronouns are fall out, boy or nirvana. All right, that's my time.
Aloe mean?
That's it.
That's how a Golden Ticket winner does. It came in made jokes off of exactly what was happening right before you. Being present, listening to what's going on, paying attention, being in the moment, using your timing. How do you feel?
I feel great, man, it's good to be here, it's dope, it's a dope fucking club, dope place.
Yep, yeah.
Absolutely, we've missed you. It's been a great time. We haven't seen you since. You, famously Donnell Rawlings, for some reason, took extreme offense to you. He kept making fun of you.
I don't know if you know this. Donnell was once on the show and he made fun of aloe, and Aloe goes, that's one, and then he made fun of aloe again later on in the interview. And he goes, that's two. And Donnell noticed that he was counting, so he got offended.
Like, what are you going to do? And then he made fun of him again, and then Aloe literally basically got him an Uber and just made like he left. He left the show, one of the only walk-offs in the history. Like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
And then he was found later at a firehouse or something like taking photos of fire trucks. We literally found him posting on Instagram, he was walking down the street.
Bam bam, he got mad. You know how he wears the Chappelle chain, right? So he had these Jordans that matched it, so I was like, When did you get those Jordans?
Before or after, Chappelle gave you that chain, and when I said that shit, he clutched the chain and that's what hurt him, I think. And then after that, he pretty much left. After he gave a little speech, he got real emotional.
You running off black people. I felt bad about that too. I felt real bad about that, too. Because, you know, it's rare that we got to show unity, especially from all these white people. Yeah, otherwise, they love it.
That's what I'm thinking. You ran off your only help, but the nigga no.
What's weird is when you said the first thing about the dude was the $20,000. It's the exact same voice that I would have used if I would describe it.
$20,000.
Why would you say that out loud?
We all know all white people sound alike.
But what's crazy is you think he got it on him? No.
$20,000.
He's like, Oh, shit.
I'll tell you the plan I know.
If I had $20,000, I would have it all in cash on me.
You threaten him hard enough and you tell him that he'll venmo you. Damn, that's a paper trail.
Are you just strong off internet threatening?
Send me your Venmo.
Give me your fucking Venmo.
Hit my Venmo real quick, give me the last four of your phone number, too. That's always an awkward part. When he starts walking away, you have to put him back up against the wall again.
Last four of your phone number.
All of this is traceable.
That is true.
Yeah, it's true, too. That's probably a bad move.
I just watched your special, by the way. it's crazy that you're here right now. Just two days ago, I'm starting to watch your special. It's on some random, you know, it's on YouTube. It's a fucking great special.
It's crushing on YouTube.
It's crushing on YouTube again. You have to see it. The Domino Effect 2 loss. Am I saying that right? Domino Effect 2 loss?
I love it that is hip.
Hip title.
I like to keep things simple. Short words kill Tony.
It's like a wi-Fi password. Domino effect 2 loss. But hell yeah, people are finding it well over a million now and crushing.
It's getting absolutely great reviews. I implore you after this episode to go watch it on YouTube, subscribe to Ali Siddique A-l-i-s-i-d-d-i-q. Also, the spelling of your name is very hard as well.
It's amazing that you have any success in this business that goes to show how great your work is.
Yeah.
Because your name and the names of your specials, it's very hard to find, very hard to spell, very hard to figure out.
I still just randomly say, sometimes Mexican guy on boots, it just comes out.
So al-o-mean, you said that you have a new kid.
Is that true? Yeah, melody. shout out Melody. She's six months.
She'll watch this.
I love it.
We brought you together, fuck y'all.
How long have you been with the baby mama?
We got married eight years ago.
Oh, okay, you were always married, this is your first kid.
Yeah, 40 years old, it's a miracle, it's a McDonald's miracle.
What does that mean?
That's all I changed in life. They told me I couldn't have kids. They said. My sperm count was low for a while. You have a low sperm count, but it's very active. Maybe try in vitro.
That's expensive and it's a risk. It's a roll of dice.
Your people are good at rolling dice sometimes.
Some niggas are bad at it, that's how people get shot.
That's why there's violence sometimes. Let's get back to this. You said they were low sperm count, but active, active, yeah, that's strong.
I was kind of proud of that. It's not a lot of them, but they're moving. Yeah, yeah, Navy seals and shit, they're proud.
They get in there, one's going to keep marching, no matter what's going on, I'm still going.
By the shape of you, you don't seem very active at all.
No, I got active.
Are you sure is your sperm in there?
100. She looks just like me. I'll show you pictures later.
All right, good. Did she come out with an Oakland A's hat on or something? What does your wife do for work?
She's in sales, she's like an optician, she sells glasses and shit.
And you're a truck driver, how's that been going?
It's good, I'm one of America's only still working heroes, because.
This is a consumer country. We're more important than the military. Let us stop shipping shit and y'all be fucking going crazy, killing each other. You're welcome. I'm a hero.
That's right.
I'm stupid, I'm dumb.
That's right, anything else crazy happen since the last time we saw you that we should know about Alomene.
No, man, just try to not make another kid for now. They're expensive.
Tell all those active sperms to fucking chill out.
Yeah, chill out man, I'm gonna have to start eating McDonald's again.
What is McDonald's? I don't understand.
The only change I made in my life was I stopped eating McDonald's. I'll stop telling people that if McDonald's pays me. But for now, that's just the truth.
So you were trying to have a kid the whole time and then you stopped eating McDonald's, and then how soon after was she pregnant?
It was probably like six months, No, it was probably like six months to a year. That's the only change I made, though I just stopped eating McDonald's, I still eat other shit.
I came down here, I was fucking a jack-in-the-box. We don't got those where I'm from.
That is bad.
Yeah, that shit fucked me up. My butthole has been hurting ever since that. Yeah, it's bad.
It was 2 o'clock in the morning, though. What are you gonna do?
That's true.
Take risks.
ALOMENe So fun, great to have you, great stuff. thank you so much.
I'll be back.
Golden ticket winner Alomene Ladies and gentlemen, all right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Colin O'Meara, everybody, Colin O'Meara.
Here we go.
There's Colin O'Meara, everyone.
I know I look like I sleep on an air mattress, it's because I do, but I also have sex on an air mattress. If you haven't tried it, give it a shot. You kind of have to do missionary the whole time.
Because otherwise, a toenail's gonna pop the bed or something, you know what? I mean, it's dangerous. I was having sex with this girl the other day from behind because I'm cool.
She was digging her claws into the bed, so I was like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. She turned around and she looked at me and she was like, What are you close?
I'm like, yeah, close to sleeping on the fucking floor, all right, let's pull it back a bit, you know, it's fun. I like having sex on an air mattress, though, because that way I can see women hit rock bottom in real time. You know what I mean?
I'm like, Yeah, I didn't think I was gonna be here either. They text their friends when they go home with me. They're like, Oh, he's the fun guy from the bar, he's a comedian. And then they get bad dick on an air mattress, and they're like, Oh my God, he's a fucking comedian.
All right, this checks out.
All right, thank you guys.
There you go.
Really deflated the air in the room with your air mattress material there. Colin O'Meara You look like you were gonna do good, you look like a professional, you have a good haircut.
You have rings on for some reason, you have an open shirt, you got a chain, you got a little bit of swag to you.
And then you just come out and do that. You've been on the show a few times, right?
Yeah, like a year and a half ago.
And it never really goes that great, does it?
It went pretty decent.
I don't think you are, I don't think you are at all. It's pretty much my call's the one that matters. You thought you did good, you pulled a little.
Jared Nathan I'm not the bad comedian you just saw.
Okay, Colin, let's talk about it. I actually slept on an air mattress when I was coming up in the game in someone's living room. And I paid rent to sleep on an air mattress in somebody's living room. And I once hooked up with a chick way out of my league back then, and I remember this because I actually have a better story than you.
I've never told it on stage or anything, but your story, your shitty story, reminds me of my good story anyway. So I ended up hooking up with this hot fucking one of those beautiful mixed girls with the fucking poofy hair. I mean, just absolutely stunning. And I remember thinking to myself, Why is this girl fucking me?
I'm a 23-year-old door guy at the store, I don't have money, I don't have food. This is crazy. All I have is this fucking air mattress and my job at the comedy store.
Anyway, I wake up the next morning, she's gone already, and I notice that there's an earring on the air mattress and it's right next to my face. And I go, Ah, she left an earring.
And I grab it and it goes...
And it starts right. So this is very early in the morning that this happens and I'm like, Ah, fuck, so I go back to sleep, right?
I'm in the middle of an air mattress now. What you don't know, people with parents that work together and jobs and college diplomas, is that when you sleep on an air mattress. And it's actually slowly deflating, it doesn't evenly go down. Now, the middle where you're at goes down and the rest closes on you like a Venus flytrap of depression. So you end up literally on the hardwood floor, but with a bunch of mattress sticking up like that, and that part doesn't deflate.
That doesn't deflate because there's no pressure on it. You understand what I'm saying, so you end up just enclosed in a fucking hot case. That now the sun's coming up in Los Angeles and now it's 130 degrees.
Anyway.
I like that I'm telling some real career stories here during this episode, really slowing down the comedy part of everything. To share with you some of the unbelievable adventures that I've been on until I was wildly rich and successful. So let's talk about it. Colin, are you really on an air mattress?
I actually just got off recently.
I can see it because you seem well-rested.
Yeah, a little bit.
How's the new mattress treating you?
I'll be honest, pretty good. You don't realize how bad it is sleeping on the air mattress until you get off.
I completely agree. Have you taken a girl back to your new mattress since you're so cool having sex doggy style?
I actually got a girlfriend.
Such a cool guy, you know what I mean? I don't even look at the girl.
I got a girlfriend the same week I got off the air mattress.
Funny how that works out. What does your girlfriend do?
She's a nurse.
What kind of nurse?
An AIDS nurse.
A nurse for people with AIDS.
That's not what she calls it, she works at a sex place where people with AIDs come in, like HIV, they got AIDs there.
Everyone's got AIDS.
That should be the name of the place we've got AIDS.
It's not even a big deal anymore. They come in, we give them something and then they just....
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