#643 - THE REGULARS

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

We've been doing this a long time. Him and I.

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And Red Band coming off a weekend.

He has a new face massager thingy that massages his face. It's great. Smart goggles. Oh yeah, I haven't pre-pulled at all yet. And we have to go all the way across the street tonight.

I'm doing good. There was actually where I was this past weekend. A woman walked into a walk-in freezer a couple years ago at the hotel and froze to death in the walk-in freezer. And they actually, weirdly enough, they had a walk-in freezer experience while I was at the hotel, it was $1,500. They lock you in the walk-in freezer.

Hell yeah, you paid the money for it.

$1,500.

The great Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

It's great to be on tour with you, Tony, and meet all of Cam's cousins.

That's right, those air tags come in handy out there, I get it.

It's somehow been five years. I remember, right when I started doing it, I was thinking I'll be able to make it six months, and now it's five years. Red Band and I hate one another more than ever before. I can't even look at his stupid, fucking fat ass.

Okay, all right, you be nice to Red Band. He's a sweet boy. How could you ever be mean to Red Band? We don't do that.

Isn't it obvious that white people named it Nigeria?

But I don't think they pronounced it like that.

I think they walked up in there and was like, it's a bunch of niggas in here, it's a nigger-ia in this bitch everywhere. Hey, I'm Genevieve. Thank y'all so much.

Hell yeah, absolutely.

Gang violence. Do we have any suspicious Apple Watches? Oh yeah, I'm checking for all y'all, motherfucking shit.

Yeah, Genevieve, I loved your set, but that's actually my Nigeria joke. I've said that one a bunch, I think, you know, that's my joke.

Yeah.

I was a little horrified when I heard it come out of your mouth.

Yeah.

Well, I would've did white people on Niger, but I feel like that's too on the nose, right? And we know how we feel about those kinds of noses.

GeneviEve My cousin, that's right, I had a feeling.

I thought I saw one of her backstage in Jacksonville. Gang violence. Absolutely, Hans Kim.

I love that Nigeria joke.

Genevieve, we love you another great new minute. You've been on this show many times. You did it again, Genevieve, everybody.

We're going to fly through them tonight, folks.

We're going to meet some innocent people. This name kind of looks familiar. Let's see what happens here. New minute from Tony Cruz. Everybody here comes Tony Cruz.

How's everybody doing?

Yes.

Fast and Furious and Marvel Universe agreed to merge in their next film.

Okay, Tony Cruz, you got some laughs. I didn't think anything was funny at all, but this is a very generous audience. I think it's what we're figuring out.

Feels good, man, I love it.

It's amazing how luck goes to people that don't have much talent. Often, the universe has a weird way of balancing it out, like, Hey, let's give this guy another opportunity with half jokes. It's great, though.

I mean, I don't know, man, I figured I was going to be on Kill Tony.

Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear underneath that?

That's just curiosity, guys, I'm just saying I can show you if you want.

That was gay, yeah.

Show us.

I'm kidding, bitch.

William wants to see your toadstool.

I don't have a job, no sir.

You don't have a job.

Comedy.

If we're going to do it, let's fucking do it.

Just trying to do comedy.

Can you jump? Do you know how to jump? I do, Yeah, let's see that.

Wa-ha no.

Do it again, do it again.

Why'd you turn it down?

Can you super jump for us? Come on, try it, don't overthink it, put the mic away, yeah.

Okay, that's what we did before.

Can you shoot an imaginary fireball out of your hands like that? Stop putting the fucking mic away.

Okay, good enough, I like that.

I like that, Okay, can you do a small jump? Let's keep playing Mario games here, small jump.

Why is it all the same?

Okay, I see there is a difference. Wow, interesting, you know how Mario sometimes powers up like that. Can you do that?

On Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto Yeah.

I play as myself.

Oh, yeah, it's you, you're the one that lives at the top in the desert, right?

My character wears overalls and everything.

So yeah, okay guys, what do you think about this piece of absolute trash?

I.

I am just loving the Carhartt.

Thank you, dude, he is.

I can see from here he's Carhartt as a rock right now.

I'm the boss, take your hat off.

Let's see here. That's my wrong, nigga.

That's the wrong guy.

That nigga was bald. Hans Kim, you invented the game Mario for Nintendo.

Yes, it's good to see my intellectual property come to life. This is like the Barbie movie for me.

Yeah man, yeah, sure.

I like that you're trying to be really chill and even-tempered and not go up or down too much. It's an interesting strategy for comedy. You get what you can get, man.

Here we are, we're not going to spend a lot more time with you. You were on last week, tell us something that we didn't find out about you last week. That's crazy about you. Or something that you've accomplished or done, or a crime, or something you've gotten away with, or anything at all.

I dropped out of school and got my GED.

No, no, no. We want you to tell us something that we don't know. Perhaps you don't understand the question, something that we wouldn't have guessed about you, something that would surprise us.

I don't know Tony. I do a lot of things, I enjoy comedy, I enjoy talking to people, networking, it's fun.

Yeah, yeah, how about in your life, your entire life, you have to use here? Perhaps an embarrassing sexual experience.

I've had somebody shit on me during sex.

Oh, okay, was it on purpose?

Or was it an accident? It was an accident?

Okay, and what position was he or she in?

She was in missionary, we were performing anal. You have to prepare for that.

Right, right, hell yeah. Missionary anal, missionary anal position that is risky business.

It is.

That's why you have to eat your Kellogg's all brand buds before anal.

That is true. And you have to make sure you have dude wipes right next to the bed, right next to the hood. Keep your dude wipes handy. Why do I feel like you've pooped the bed in missionary position as well?

I have pooped, Yeah, you farted, I've shit myself before. Yeah, absolutely 100%.

I'm a taco bell guy. The overalls are an interesting choice for a guy that poops himself a lot because you have to take off.

Your top? The good thing about these? they conceal the smell so you wouldn't know until I take them off.

Until it falls out of the pant leg immediately. Alright, there he goes. Tony Cruz, everybody, two weeks in a row of Tony Cruz proving that anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Zach Black.

So everybody knows that I like older women and I just went on a date with a 65-year-old woman. I'll admit maybe I went a little too far with that one. But then she asked me if I ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter. Like, now we're talking, right? She takes me back to her place, introduces me to her mother.

Laughter, laughter.

I had never been with a woman that old, I'm going to be honest. I ran out of there straight to my car, got my video camera, went back in.

Laughter.

I hope I can do it too, because I really like her car reminds me of her leather interior.

Laughter.

Alright.

Alright, Zach Blatt, So the whole gist is you fucked an old lady.

Yeah.

And you just went on and on about it.

Yeah.

Again, a very generous audience. I was listening to the laughter, thinking, maybe I missed something.

But again?

I think they're really excited to be here, they're letting everybody kind of glide by mediocrity. 4 o'clock. It is an early show.

She dm'd me on Facebook. Oooh.

That should be part of the thing it should. Yeah, I think so you could tell it's an old lady because she DM'd you on Facebook. That would be the most original part of your entire 60 seconds.

Yeah.

Let's just keep plowing forward here, Zach. So she DM'd you on Facebook and then what happened?

Well, I'm going to be honest, it's all made up. I do like older women, but the whole 65, the mother....

I'm going to be honest, I was asking because I knew you weren't being honest, I could tell throughout.

You ever been with an older woman? I have what's the oldest?

It was old as fuck, it was at a Tony Clifton, it was literally at a Tony Clifton show at the comedy Store. I think it was 2009. I had never been with an older woman before, and I knocked it out all at once.

Who is that?

Nobody, anybody knows. It's not like Mother Teresa or anything like that.

The old nigga you talking about?

Andy Kaufman.

Well, I generally do go for the older women, so I just exaggerated it a little bit.

But when you say you generally go for older women, is that who you hook up with the most?

Yeah, probably, definitely.

The last time you hooked up with a real older woman, how did that go down? In real life? You don't have to.

Make it funny, we dated for six months.

See, that's funny. You're not supposed to date an older woman, you're supposed to fuck them Zach, who's going falling in love with some fucking, did you?

I don't hate her, I don't talk to her very much, but yeah, she's.

Alright, right, exactly. So you're looking for that is what you don't know, probably.

I would say, this guy's disgusting.

You can tell 50, 55, exactly, yeah, fucking gross, bro.

Unbelievable.

You need therapy, though.

Anyone I like, you know, chicks that work out, at least, you know.

Well, Jesus, I hope so, with like, a walker or something like that.

Cam I wish I could.

Do you prefer a dry vagina to a wet one?

Absolutely not. Who would prefer a dry one?

A guy that tracks down 55 year olds.

They get just as wet, right? Older ladies in the crowd, maybe some of them.

But, you know, some of them go through menopause. There's things that happen to women biologically, to where things can kind of slow down down there a little bit. Well, I still only talk to.

The healthy ones that take vitamins and drink enough water. Is that a part of?

Your like first date Do you take vitamins and drink a lot of water?

Actually, yeah, that's my criteria for pretty much anyone I'm going to hang out with, do you?

Take vitamins. Are you asking me if I?

Take vitamins I know you take vitamins.

Clearly, maybe I don't you do.

Yeah, I mean, who are you asking? Motherfucker? were you asking me? You motherfucking piece of shit?

What do you want, huh? I could recommend some vitamins.

If.

Cool name one.

Uh, D3, that's very important.

He just tried to fuck out of you, he just tried to fuck out of you. I was disrespectful. Did you just fucking?

Try me right now, you piece of shit. I thought you were fucking trying me, and at the very beginning of your set, you're like, Oh, everybody knows I love old bitches. I was thinking, I don't fucking know that dumbass.

Nobody fucking knows you.

Like older women.

And I was wondering, though, how are you doing? are you like hitting from the back? or what are you doing with these bitches, dude? Are the lights on? are the lights off? are there candles going?

Get a little fucking Werther's original, put it in her asshole. that's a good way you toss her fucking old brown lettuce.

Yeah.

You be talking over the life alert, that's what you be doing.

I'm.

Balling and I can't get up.

Hold up, bitch. I got to stay right there, I got to stay right there.

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom with these older ladies? Is there anything that you do? Do you take off their prosthetic legs or something like that?

Stupid bend them over the walker, sometimes in the shower, the old ladies, they got the rails in their bathtub.

Ah, the old double rail.

Absolutely.

The old Railroad.

For this guy, this guy looks like Tony Hawk, bro, waiter.

Alright.

A bro waiter instead of pro skater?

Bro waiter, everybody.

Well done.

I'm not pro Hamas, but I can always go for a little chickpea. No, but seriously, I am stoked on this new war. I'm super excited about it because that Russia versus Ukraine shit was getting boring. No one's talking about it anymore. I think it's because everyone was on the same team.

You could have kept going, but obviously you're allergic to cats or something like that. I really stopped you in your tracks there. Have you been attacked by a kitty cat?

Before.

No, okay, here he is. How about one more time for Michael? Hines everybody and here we go. This is very exciting.

Yeah, I have, absolutely.

Look at you, look at yourself, it's absolutely incredible. you look like the world's youngest pedophile.

Don't you? My age is fine, I've always gone like two years older. They got more money.

Oh, more money, yes, some of that 24 year old money. How old are you? I'm 24..

Right, exactly okay.

So what do you do for work?

I'm on unemployment right now.

Okay, you don't look like the stoner idiot that you are. It's interesting, I'm on unemployment right now, it's interesting.

It does with me, Oh shit, fuck yeah, dude.

Fire hydrant look out, Hell yeah, dude.

My mom told me if I came back on Kill Tony, I couldn't come home for Christmas. I guess that's over.

Give us some back story to that. Why would she say such a thing? She's pretty.

Evangelical in my math, my last minute was about my penis.

It was about my penis, it was about my penis, my last minute, I talked about my penis.

Laughter.

Where are you from? You have such an interesting twang. New Jersey. Oh, New Jersey. I wouldn't have guessed that.

Was a martial arts instructor in high school, so I fought a lot, I got picked.

On a lot, which means you got bullied all the way up until high school. Oh, yeah, I love it. Then one year, you came back and you're like, What'd you say?

Laughter.

So, precautions.

Laughter.

Alright, I actually fought a crackhead the other day.

You fought a crackhead the other day, you did tell us about it.

Me and Ben Williams.

No one knows who that is. Go ahead, nobody knows what you're talking about, dropping fucking open mic names out here.

Wait, the Ben Williams laughter.

We're going to the gas station and a crackhead. I asked to borrow his lighter to light my cigarette and he was cool with it. Then he was like, Yo, can you get me a drink? I was like, Alright, stop, stop.

Stop, God damn it, stop. You asked the crackhead if you could borrow his lighter. Yeah.

Laughter.

He offered and mine wasn't working.

So you're obviously struggling with the lighter out there. Your fucking hair is in your face, you got to flip it back every 10 seconds because that's like, your thing. Yeah, and then he sees you and he's like, Hey, man, you need.

A lighter, Yeah. And I was like, Cool, I'll get you a drink. And then he was like, two drinks, two sandwiches, a pack of cools. So I got one pack of cools. Gave him four cigarettes and he said, You owe me $20..

Laughter And then he's like, Bitch you a faggot. He ran up behind me.

And punched me in the back of the head.

Right, right, and then what?

Happened parried the second punch and hit him in the teeth.

Can you show us some of your martial arts? Just put the mic in the stand and show us what you did? And here we go a little Michael Hines surprise martial art.

I was afraid I was going to kick the drums. I don't want to fall.

Wow, what an amazing martial arts instructor you are. I was afraid I was accidentally going to kick behind me really hard.

And fall over.

God damn it, I feel like anybody up here could beat the shit out of you, dude. I do not believe that you're a martial arts instructor. I would go fucking 10 to 1 on D-Madness. on this, I got fucking....

Well.

Are enhanced, right? That's what D-madness would do with his seeing cane. Is that what it's called a seeing cane? All right?

I think if I ran over the turns, I can get out of there.

You son of a bitch that is such a pussy, way out of the situation yet, that is probably.

The smartest maneuver.

Yeah, that's when shit gets scary, you're running around a corner and D just turns the lights out.

Craziest thing about my life? My dad got arrested when I was like three and the house got stormed for telemarketing stuff. We got swatted when I was like three years old.

For telemarketing stuff isn't that crazy. Can you explain what that means a little bit? Maybe I'm the only one that doesn't get it.

A Fed pretended to be an employee of another company and said he had a list of hot leads and that's illegal to buy. We got swatted and they took all our stuff.

I don't think that's swatted. I think swatted is when somebody sends the police on you for a crime you didn't commit.

Swatted is when they kick in the door and all that, like the SWat team.

Is that the right?

Terminology, I don't think that's exactly what that is. Dumbass, I think it's totally different.

I think your dad got arrested. I think there's a difference. But with a SWAT team, sure, if there's a SWAT team, I don't think that means getting swatted. Swatted is when you send something to somebody that doesn't deserve it.

You know what I mean?

Telemarketing is shit, yeah, cocaine, that's what that was.

Yeah.

Telemarketing That's hilarious. Well, son, I didn't really get in trouble. It was a telemarketing thing and I got swatted. You believe everything your dad tells you, huh?

Only like two years.

Yeah, only two years that didn't affect your childhood at all. I don't even remember, right?

We've been doing four bucket pulls already.

We're on pace to set a record. Are you guys having a good time? Alright, make some noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name.

How y'all doing?

I'm doing alright. I got told recently I look like a more lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, so that's not great. I mean, I get it, I don't look masculine at all.

Adorable Cole Kasui. There he is, everybody. Castle, Hello, How are you?

Pronounce that, yeah.

Oh, that's an L. you have a short L. Yeah, you have a short L. That looks like an undotted lowercase.

That 100 looks like you were trying to do a lowercase I and forgot the dot.

On the top, how does that look to you? That doesn't look like a short L at the end of Castle? You are a dummy hill man, thank you.

That's on me. I thought that'd be fake.

He's like, Yeah, whatever, Tony says.

Okay, Tony.

I think he say something cool there, I don't know.

That's right.

But thank you for taking off of lacrosse practice to be here tonight. You seem like you have the look. I'm not saying you have the words or style, or speak like, but you have the look of a rich kid. Are you a rich kid?

No middle class.

Middle class, that's what rich kids say, though, because there's kids richer than them, so they call themselves middle class. Our good friend Benji, whose family owns basically hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property in Los Angeles, calls himself middle class.

I was definitely a type, I was pretty spoiled, but all my friends were way more spoiled, so I didn't think I was spoiled.

Okay, what does your dad do for a living?

Something with.

Why are you pretending like you don't know? No, it's. Does he work in telemarketing?

He's like the middle man of getting investors and companies that need money, He's like the middle man of that, uh-huh.

So you don't know what his title is? No, you have no idea what your dad does for a living. No, I really don't. If a judge in a courthouse asked you, what does your father do for a living?

No, I actually don't know the title.

Wow, are you close with your dad? Yeah, and you have no idea what he does for a living.

No, we don't really talk about his work, we'll talk about my work, but not his work.

Why do you think that is? Why do you think you don't talk about his work? But meanwhile, he's taking money from some people and giving it to richer people. Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you? Why would you guess that? Your father, who is blatantly, blatantly stealing money from poorer to actual middle-class people and reinvesting it into your own wealth? Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you?

Well, when you put it like that.

You have no brothers and one sister, am I correct?

Two sisters.

Only two sisters.

You know how I knew that?

This is an interesting one. You know how I knew that?

Yeah, I mean classic bowling every now and then, but nothing too crazy.

You're a closet bowler.

Classic bowling.

Oh, classic bowler, I thought you were secret about your bowling, second life bowling. I did a trial for my.

High school bowling team. I made it and then I didn't join, showed them what they wanted and then said, you can't have it. Wow, look at that.

You're hard to pin down.

Yeah.

Right, okay, so how long have you lived in Austin?

Beginning of November.

What do you do for work?

I'm in financial sales, I sell insurance to financial advisors.

Did your dad help you get that job? No, he has helped me get.

Interviews before, but not this job.

He didn't help you get this job at all. No, not at all. I swear the resume that you gave them had nothing about your father.

It'll definitely help with the interview process and maybe a resume a little bit.

Maybe a resume a little bit, so we're backtracking on my original thing that you gave me a hard note.

He didn't find the company and was like, Yo apply for this, I applied on my own, did the interview, that's not what I asked at all. What?

You just answered the question from a minute and a half ago to where you don't think anything on the resume was affected by your father at all. Just don't worry about it. I'm confused. You don't need to know that I won that round. You'll figure it out when you watch the episode.

Single now, so not great.

Why single now? What's different now? That wasn't like this before.

Probably just because I moved here, so I don't really know anyone. Went on one date here, didn't go too great. Then I was like, I'm just going to focus on comedy.

You said one date here didn't go too great. It sounds terrible. Tell us what happened.

It was the first weekend I was here.

This is November of this year. Is that a month ago? a month ago? is the real answer? Here we go.

Went out, picked her up. I think this is where it went wrong. I picked her up. It was my first weekend in Austin, didn't know the downtown parking situation, so just looking for a parking spot was terrible.

Someone didn't have a brother growing up.

Mistake? Then we went to a bar, we had two drinks. Then, she said she felt sick and went home, not even went home.

Did she start holding onto this sick belly while you were struggling to parallel park?

I know this is bullshit, but I was driving her back to her house, She was rolling down the window, burping. I was like, maybe she's either the best actress ever or just actually sick. She acted well.

She was rolling down the window for a burp. That is fucking disgusting.

Where did you find this girl, Henge?

Where did you take her to eat at?

She had to pick the bar because I didn't know anything, She picked the place. It was way too loud for a date spot. I couldn't hear anything.

She was saying, You don't remember the name of the place?

No, I don't. I was just acting like I knew what she was talking about. She'd be like, Yeah, my mom has AIDS. I'm like, Yeah, this is a good song. That was usually the majority of our conversation.

She was sick and you were just saying yes and no to things.

I kept asking, What did you say? After a while, it just got too much.

Wow.

Then I never saw.

Her again, Where'd you come from? Houston? Oh, the long, long distance trip from Houston. I'm from Dallas.

So just working my way around Texas, I can't wait for you.

To go to San Antonio, this is great, hopefully it'll be soon. Anything else for cold gentlemen?

I mean, I think that you, if you're trying to get laid, try not telling people you're middle class, say that you're rich and keep wearing that sweater, okay?

Great advice Hans Kim Sly with the ladies he's had to deal with having that face, so, I mean, imagine.

Don't worry, I'm used to losing dates after I try to parallel park as well.

Any type of parking is parallel parking for Hans Kim.

So she?

Got sick after y'all started drinking.

She says, She did so, you roofied.

The bitch and you forgot or something.

What happened? It was too early on. I usually wait for three or four drinks for that, but we're only on two, so...

The whole band just reacted to that. I knew he wanted niggas, he a Roofie nigga. the band knows the exact drink on which to Roofie a lady at. It's hilarious.

Cole That thing you were describing about when you couldn't really hear the girl and you were just kind of agreeing with what she said. I'll be honest with you, I thought about that during your whole fucking set tonight. I was kind of hearing things going on, but I don't know, I'm just kind of in a rotten mood right now. So sorry, it's not your fault.

Why are you in a rotten mood?

The Kellogg's Auburn Buds ran out.

Earlier, Tony and I couldn't even eat any earlier. Oh my goodness.

So I'm in a real rotten mood. So sorry to take it out on your fucking ass.

But I didn't really hear any of it.

It's okay, it's okay.

You're having a lot of fucking fiber withdrawals right now, huh?

Yeah, wow.

What are you going to do about it?

Probably get her, okay.

All right, there he goes. Cole Kessel, everybody, here's the little joke book, Cole, can you catch this? You didn't have any brothers?

Wow, Cole Kessel.

There he goes, All right, okay, I'm pretty sure everybody's bombed so far tonight. This is exciting.

How many of you like it?

When people do bad on this show.

Great, Well, then you must be fucking thrilled.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Cheyenne Behrens, Everybody, Cheyenne.

Behrens.

Thank you. I used to suck off a guy in a wheelchair. That's right, I'm ada accessible.